Why people can't find love: understanding what you're searching for 

Love is one of the most abundant resources in the universe. So why do so many people struggle to find it? Simple: they don't understand what they're searching for, and they look for it in the wrong places. Most people don't want to love as much as they want the gratification of being loved -- which is why they look for love in other people. I discuss further in this episode. Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@oriontaraban Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-WrXBzQ2HDEQ.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ru-vid.com/show-UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #love #psychology #relationship

One of the greatest lessons of my life is this concept. Loneliness and emptiness is not filled up by BEING loved… but by loving others. The more one loves, the more full one feels….

“Love has nothing to do with getting what you want” as always, great video Orion

This intriguing video serves as a poignant reminder of the heartache I've been enduring since my 7 year relationship came to an end 4 months ago. My cherished partner, the love of my life, made the difficult decision to part ways, leaving me consumed by thoughts of him. Despite my earnest attempts to win him back, I find myself facing frustration and an overwhelming sense of emptiness, unable to envision a life without his presence. Despite my efforts to move on, I'm compelled to confess my lingering feelings and longing for him here.

Doing something for someone you care about, or even a complete stranger, without expecting anything in return is a wonderful feeling.

Emmanuel Kant's argument; 1- it is impossible to know whether a person deserves to be happy or suffer because you never truly know what their aims and intentions were when they acted. 2- Even if you should make others happy, there's no way to precisely know how to make them happy. 3- What constitutes suffering or happiness in most non- extreme situations in not clear. 4- The only way to improve the world is by improving ourselves, because the only thing we can experience is ourselves.

This is the best and most practical teaching about love, you've preached the whole gospel without even trying to

Hey Orion. I really needed this one. My youngest daughter has multiple disabilities and I find myself a full time care giver. I am not after a pity party, but I have found myself of late feeling depressed, resentful, trapped. Never because of her, but the lack of support, the loneliness, the endlessness of some hours. Finding myself in my 30's not staring down caregiving to watch a child blossom, but to care for an adult forever. And all these emotions have been met with the most soul-destroying guilt. Of self loathing. Of hating the grief. But you said it. This is love. This is REAL love. Love is a choice to give when you have nothing left to give. To pour into another at the expense of yourself. Love is a choice to stay. So thank you.

Patrice O'Neal said it best "Once a man loves you, he no longer likes you."

Very nice first sentence!!! 'Most people are searching for love externally via relationships. The correct way to 'get' love is to give it to yourself first!!!'

“Love love is a verb. Love is a doing word...” Massive Attack

I'm a 24/7 caregiver to a totally incapacitated person - your comments really nail it, like you've been there. Excellent content.

Relationships used to be about love, companionship, commitment, etc. Now it has been reduced to exchanging sex for money, lifestyle and material stuff.

I realized that i fell in love with MY courtship of her. Id always reach a point where im like 'wait, why am i courting this woman so hard, shes not even that good.'. Once i stepped back and let her actions and character stand on their own, it made decisions extremely obvious.

"The Value of Others" is the most valuable, insightful, and penetrating book I've ever read in nearly 80 years of reading because it tells the truth about the subject!!

Most people who married probably never found love. Marriage was an economic arrangement that made subsistence agriculture more practical and people didn't want to starve, so they got married. How did they choose a partner? You married the girl you got pregnant as a teenager. I don't think people know just how rare the thing they are looking for probably is.

People often say they want love, but what they really crave is feeling loved. It's like they want someone to make them feel special and cared for, but aren't as ready to put in the same effort for their partner. It's like they want the perks of a relationship without the responsibilities. This might be because they're scared of getting hurt or they just haven't learned how to balance their needs with someone else's.

Well said. The absolute *best* relationship you can have is with yourself -- and that's why I am never married and have no kids at age 52!

Orion, you have very insightful videos, but I think this is your best. Paul’s elucidation on love is one of the greatest contributions to humanity. You find yourself by works of love directed to others. That’s why the wise maintain that love is “earned”, and requires “work”.

It takes a humble person to love. ❤

Doc you touched on something in the book that really put things in perspective for me. “The most desirable people are the ones people want things the most from.” That’s really interesting to me because due to my physical attractiveness I’ve always had women, some of which I’ve loved greatly with a full heart. It insane realizing that I’d probably never have those loving experiences if I wasn’t born with good genetics. I don’t feel like those experiences were superficial, but when I think about it from the other perspective it saddens me a bit knowing most of my experiences would’ve never happened if I was average. This also makes me sad for most guys knowing most of them will never experienced truly being loved, desired and appreciated.

you find love when you stop looking for it, Instead of feeling desperate to get attention and love, have the power to give it. without expecting anything in return.

As a widower who lost his wife to early onset dementia, I completely agree with this. I sacrificed in so many of life's dimensions to care for her to the end. The transition to caring for myself at the end of her life was the time I learned to self love at a deeper level. I feel like a much better person as a result. One topic I would like you to cover in the future. When you are young you want to be gratified, but when you get older you want to give love. why the transition?

“ you don’t need a relationship to experience love and you don’t need love to have a relationship. “ 100 % true.

Again and again, this is why modern "relationships" just keep failing more and more every year; the other person is just seen and used as a means of making us more happy and entertained. When those feelings go away, or, at least, are not to our desired threshold, we're no longer "in love," and, considering the fact that we have access to everyone on the entire planet with an internet connection now, it's very easy to just drop them and push the reset button with a new "relationship." Repeat, over and over and over again.

People in a sexless marriage will be familiar with this line of thinking: You will be accused of never loving them due to fact that you are not okay with never having sex again. Sadly, lots of men will be guilted into staying as a way to demonstrate that they really were sincere in their love. It's a big sacrifice, to what end?

Most people look to be loved, not to love. They often look for a situationship, not a partnership that builds the foundation of a relationship.

When we are looking to be loved, it is called desire not love. It seems to be something we “get.” the second you start giving it instead of looking to get it. is the second you realise you're surrounded by love, and you're now in a state of abundance instead of lack. My whole life has changed when I knew the secret. I was giving love instead of looking for it. Instead of feeling desperate to get attention and love, I know I have the power to give it.

One of my favorite shows growing up was "Angel", and in the fourth season, one of my favorite lines I've ever heard struck me as being so profoundly simple, simply profound... "Love Is Sacrifice."

This revelation about the true nature of love also explains why people can’t remain happy unless they can be happy when alone and not dependent upon someone else’s gratification.

This sums up all why relationships suck and are chaotic ... people dont understand what love is and what they are getting into in the first place

Deep and courageous claims for a shallow world, I hope it gets the views it deserves.

When you find the right one you know why everyone else was/is wrong. Key is chemistry, personal growth, and they are naturally receptive to your advances (especially as a dude, we don't want an uphill battle we want an ascending journey)

'Love is a verb' is a message I shared at my son's wedding. Small acts of love on a daily basis will keep the flame burning.

From start to end.. nailed it.. and for all who may care, another book also shares the same wisdom on love… it’s the Bible .. thanks Dr. Orion !

most uplifting vid to date. most messages of you boil down to "how to psych-hack your way into effortless doinking the bodies of your random dates" but this one has that petersonian warmth to it. thanks!

This is why your relationship with your parents is so important. You look to them for love, but they should teach you to eventually look inward. Most parents don’t do that.

Buddha's proverb : Self love is the best love

This video was so profound, so moving, especially as I’m going through the hardest trial in my relationship so far. Your first point perfectly describes the intangible sensation of love innate within me that I’ve felt unable to satisfy all my life. Thank you for putting such complex concepts so simply and eloquently into words.

This is one of the most beautiful videos you've ever recorded.

The Love that is described I can only feel firstly for my son and then my siblings and their children

Divine love of the heart is the wisdom that permeates and extend into all of reality, the cosmos, everywhere. Having a divine loving relationship requires 2 open-hearted beings to be in the state to send and receive love. It's a very different quality of vibration and oneness from what most consider love to be (the attached, closed hearted push and pull variety). I could probably write a book on the differences. Maybe I should haha

I have been waiting a long time to hear this kind of truth echoed in the modern age. Great big kudos, man. Thank you for posting.

Hmmm... in other words, love is the death of the ego self? Truly profound, Dr.!

"Looking for love in all the wrong places" -Johnny Lee

5:55 "True lovers... can't reasonably expect to be compensated for their service." I disagree with this. If you're going to use a waiter/diner analogy, a healthy loving relationship is both the waiter and the diner taking turns swapping roles. This is the compensation: your turn to be the diner and not the waiter. If you're expressing love to someone and you're being the waiter, you're expressing love and going through those motions with the expectation that you will be treated that way in kind at some point in the future. Issues arise when someone is always the waiter and never the diner. Man or woman does not matter, as both expect and experience different things when they are in both roles. The main feature is that both parties expect to receive the service portion of that experience at some point, once they've taken on the role of being the waiter. I understand that Dr. Orion considers this "business" but I'd consider this "etiquette" or "social awareness". If we follow the logic of this exchange to be considered business, then so is every relationship (including friendships and family) that can ever be conceived. If the other person does not have any desire to reciprocate the "service" portion of love, then only one person in that relationship loves the other and everyone will typically agree that's not a healthy relationship to be in.

Dr.T is the man! Everything he says is gold. Smartest guy ever ☕️

One of your best. Thank you.

Yes. With my kids, love. With my partner, gratification. Exactly.

Thanks. I needed to be reminded of this today. I call it The Cosmic Joke: The World Has Nothing To Give You…That You Aren’t Already. I think that is what Lord Buddha realized under The Bodhi Tree. All the world has to offer are experiences and opportunities to express who you are. Love is a gift given. A decision to care for someone else’s wellbeing as much as your own. The problem is that what most people think of as love is actually Pleasure. So once the interaction stops being fun and stops feeling good? They’re out and back to the chase for those good feelings.

The first sentence verifies how your speech is proper. Agreed with not looking it up in the person. Your world is your life/love. It’s not exactly sample of living if you give control of a machine to a remote machine like in computers. Lovers truly love to express themselves.

For a while I’ve been told to focus on being a source of pleasure, people love pleasure it brings gratification. That’s why the funny guy is loved by everyone, he makes us smile and feel better but what happens when he’s no longer funny? The love fades and there will rarely be anyone around to cheer him on. True love is sacrifice, usually reserved for a family member or “soulmate “. Unfortunately there are too many people just looking for gratification these days

This one ties in really well on your previous about love and how people need to learn to "love" like the sun.

Reason I stopped dating is for love to come out it has to be within you and passes through you first.

Love isn't love until you give it away.(Michael W. Smith)

The worst thing that can happen is that one love a person and that person not love them back, or at least recognise it or bear with it. That's why it's almost always a losing game. Let me say further that what is worse than that is for someone to say they love you only for you to discover they never did, and they know it.

🤔🏆💯 2:17 Love is not fun Love is not romantic Love is a hard transformative, crucible, associated with spiritual development "The Humiliated Self" Exalted Love is changing the bed pan Love is staying with someone when they're down and out Love is sacrifice without the hope of reward ❣️

"Love is not attractive." Yup. It can even be perceived as worthy of despise.

Orion, this is the best, deepest video you have ever made! I absolutely love it and will be sharing it with my daughters. It can be found all the reasons why I am divorced. It clarified a lot of things in my mind; namely that she never actually loved me. If she had she wouldn't have left just because she was unhappy. Thank you so much for all the insight that you gave me!

Good, finally a video about self worth than trying to live for female or male validation

Love is never easy, but that’s what makes it most fulfilling. Fantastic episode!

Love is often hard but can be incredibly beautiful and exilerating as well. But love often leads to pain and hardship, -it is NOT the same as gratification even though it can also be very rewarding. We need both to love and be loved! I always try to actually show appreciation for restaurant servers btw!

Yes well said , I have to agree totally on your analysis. Love is a chosen emotion that needs effort and energy coming from within, to bring out the feeling that’s within you . Many people can’t bring that emotion out and are just skeptical of the action of it expressed by others upon them. Those people are more likely to be transactional in their relationships , they give and expect it back. I think people who can love can also engage in transactional relationships but they sometimes try to bring out love that maybe felt on the other person. Usually that will open up the other persons trust and closeness in that relationship. Sometimes it never does just stays transactional. Love could only be felt by the one who wants to love as we don’t know and can’t gauge the effect on the other . The true test in a transactional relationship that may feel it has entered into a loving one is to stop the transactions and see if it lasts . More than likely it won’t unless the other person has brought out love as you have .

This is your probably your best video yet. I lost my mother and 2 years later my father had a massive stroke that left him incapacitated - both experienced and the repercussions that came after truly shaoed my definition of love. You perfectly summarized it in this video. Thank you, Orion.

Absolutely Brilliant. I haven't gotten to this in your book yet, but looking forward to it.

Love vs limerance vs relationships. Completely different things which are often confused.

Most people don't do well in any relationship because they limit themself by listening to others definition of what a relationship is or what it should be for, instead of where it comes from in themself. You must have true discernment of the self, the concious and unconcious workings. If you are not conciously aware of how the unconcious affects you, it will run your life and you will call it fate.

Very few in your audience will understand this. Great video. 🙏🏽❤ “To the giver comes the fullness of life, To the taker just an empty hand. “ Lao Tzu

Yeah man, seems like we are not really looking for love...

You make some good points but this could also be a description of duty and obligation which I have ZERO interest in. The receiver just abuses it. Sustainable, healthy love is accountable

When love is unconditional, there’s no attachment, expectation, hidden agenda, or bookkeeping of who gives what to whom. Our love is unconditional for whatever we are and whatever they are. It is given without requirements. No strings are attached. We don’t expect anything back when giving. We have surrendered all conscious and unconscious expectations of the other person.

I have always stated that people are in love with the idea of being in love from Hollywood movies.

Bit by bit im getttin the hang of you mr tarabanović…dont live in the citadel!

Orion, this is the most important and the most spot on one of all of your videos. Thank you!

Really needed this video doc, im 21 years old and my gf broke up with me today saying she have commitment issues and cant fulfill my needs :) im hurting but thats fine i want to move on

I want to pour my love into a woman who appreciates it. I want to be deeply known and to know her in a deeper way and really appreciate her heart. That's what I want. I want that awesome soul bond that weathers all the storms of life's ups and downs because you really appreciate the person on a deeper level, and they feel the same about you.

You have very well defined today's definition of "love". I hope the message gets through.

The next world teacher! Wise, clear, and practical!

Gosh, there's a lot of food for thought here! 😮 Amazing video👌 Thank you 🙏

You remind me of something a wise older gentleman told me. He said, " Love is pursuing, pleasing and meeting needs".

Good stuff. Another important side can be added to this picture. Orion wisely ends the video by revealing the benefit unique only to "love," aka selfless giving and loyalty: Taming the giver's ego. However, that effect can be just as beneficial for the receiver. Consider how a child only develops a healthy capacity to trust and, later, give love herself after having received this sort of commitment from his parents. Consider how some with advanced Alzheimer's retain a sweet trusting nature while others descend into paranoia. At the same time, a more nuanced discussion remains around distinguishing what internal conditions within the giver (and/or receiver) make one act of loyalty solely a burden and another act also a step towards transcendence.

Awesome, Orion. Powerful presentation. Thank you!

Love don't love nobody and love don't pay bills.... Learn to love yourself

Def agree people look in the wrong place. 👍 But not as in seeking in other people at all but rather in the *wrong* people. Many people don't love themselves, so they don't know how to recognize it when others love them, and/or they reject it because it doesn't align with their subconscious perspective that they aren't worthy of being loved. Since they can't respect a person they reject, they can't love that person, so they fall for and seek love from those who don't love them instead.

This was a really good episode that explains what's going today in the dating world

You have blown my mind. That's genius 👏

This is a very advanced spiritual teaching you are sharing here

Yes, love is sacrificing for the good of others.

Damn Son! That is the nail on the head. Maybe the deepest experience of love (whether chosen or not), is the experience of a lifetime of caring for a profoundly disabled child. Maybe. Has to be up there and is an example of how few are really looking for love, because no one is looking for that in their life I don't think.

Go back into the past to "little you" who is you but younger. Give them hugs and tell them how much you love them!

Thank you! Very good video! Very helpful and intelligent.

The ultimate act of love is laying one’s life down for another. If you are willing to do that, you love that person. I would have done that for my ex wife when we were married, but not now.

Definitely agree with this message! Love is already inside of us….!

This is one of your most helpful and clarifying videos! And that's saying something because you've got soooo many. But this one... boom. Straight to the heart, and humbles every one of us.

Oh man. I ordered your book a couple of weeks ago but haven't started because there's a few I had ordered before that I was reading. Now with what you just said about love I'm super stoked to read The Value of Others. I've read dozens and dozens of psychology books but I have a feeling yours is going to hit different. Thanks

Another WOW video. Thank you so much! Will be purchasing "The Value of Others" today!

The book is phenomenal. If you enjoy Orion's videos and haven't gotten it yet, go get it! You will be very satisfied.

Orion, you hit the "nail" on the head. Thank you & your book is dense and wonderful so far!

I see that! Self Love is the Best and Most important Love 💝

I love the driving home of the misunderstanding and misrepresentation of love. Harkens back to the earlier talks on this channel. Thanks, Orion. All the best!