Heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences a person can pass through -- but why might this be the case? After all, anything that actually transpired in the relationship is secure in the past and can't ever be taken from you. What makes a breakup painful is the death of a dream: the loss of a preferred future. This is why you always break your own heart, and why you must always put it back together again. Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@oriontaraban Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-WrXBzQ2HDEQ.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ru-vid.com/show-UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #love #heartbroken
Like your other videos, however I disagree with this one. The words "s/he broke my heart" is an expression, not to be taken literally. It all happens in neurochemistry. Pair-bonding is instinctual. So something built-into us gets broken, for want of a more precise explanation. A dream (personal ambition) is quite different.
That goes well beyond relationships. If you lose your job, a family member or suffer a serious accident you have to let go of a version of you that is no more.
Currently going through these motions with my career. This happens with your view/outlook of the world as well. There are alot of people that walk this planet with ideals that are immersed in falsehoods, and if/when they learn the reality of their beliefs, there will be multiple aspects of yourself that you have to deal with, as they are associated with multiple/all aspects of your character/identity. Extreme case, but these are ones who have "deletion" thoughts.
@Savvynomad225 the self that doesn't exist is the true nature. The self that is comprised of bits.of identity(I.e. what he commonly think.of as the self) is the ego. And it very much exists.
This is why I deeply regret being faithful in my multi-year committed relationships. I wished I would have cheated every chance I got. Passed up opportunities to get with young primo chix and make sweet memories, & I'll never get those back.
Which is grieving another what else "might of been" during that time, dream; it's the loss of two potentials. (If you meant that the way I think you did.) Yep, been there.
@@chipstevethat’s something I feel and a lot I think on. I can’t share that with anyone. Few that I don’t know could comprehend me. But I know what you mean. I hope we ever catch up
Yeah let's forget lying, deception, putting up a front etc. The a-users just use good-intentioned people and tell them it's completely their fault for getting hurt. "Your black eye is your fault because you let me punch you all of the sudden."
@@edheldude I think you are just misunderstanding a bit. He is simply saying you break your own heart after a relationship by thinking “this is the end” but no it’s not the end, you still have the future. A future of hope. He is not talking about an abusive relationship. He is talking about the way we wire our own brain into investing into this person and then thinking they broke our heart because we invested in them. We CHOSE to invest in them and have great expectations.
@@tatyana_samone Yes we chose it _but_ there's deception because there is no _justice_ or consequences for deceiving people in that arena of life anymore. You can rawdog other people any way you like and just move on. I've know several sociopaths in my life. That's why men are avoiding marriage because women openly flaunt how well they betrayed men and got their money. In some countries there's severe punishments for certain behaviors. Not because they want e.g. stone people, but they want to set the highest taboo for socially disruptive behaviors like stealing and adultery. If there's no consequences, the thieves and adulterers can rule because most people don't want to be like that. The lack of consequences will create a very low trust society that cannot cooperate.
"You are never destroyed by anyone except yourself." - Friedrich Nietzsche. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. The 5 stages of grief (1. denial, 2. anger, 3. bargaining, 4. depression and then finally 5. acceptance). Time is a great healer for our emotional wounds. On a different note, the value of others book is a masterpiece.
As i gain hours for my psych degree, I’ve learned that the 5 stages of grief aren’t a real thing but can be a map for people. The truth is grief can come up anytime, anywhere, triggered by anything 😢
@@mickey912 plus, even if they were fully accurate, the mere fact they exist is a clue we just don't "move on" like nothing happened. Wallowing in self-pity is of course dumb and counterproductive but no, we can't just turn it off like robots, not should we strive to.
Worse thing u can do is live in imagination. As a man it takes real discipline to not imagine the future with someone u truly into. Seems like it happens in your mind without your permission
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." -Carl Jung You just need to take notice when it starts happening. I've noticed changes in my own thinking since starting a new relationship 7 months ago, I've started imagining us travelling together and getting married and having kids, and my awareness of my own tendency towards willing self-deception and overvaluing relationships with girls leads me to ask myself sobering questions like "if I wasn't attracted to her, would I still like her?" and "is she treating me the way I want to be treated?" and "how much does it really matter if she's upset in this moment?" This awareness has prevented me from repeating past mistakes.
@ManBearPiglet Exactly. That's the same way I go about evaluating the situation. I ask myself "If this chick was butt ugly, would u tolerate or even be into her based off the way she acts"? Gotta be discipline enough to not overlook those red flags just because u attracted to her looks
Although that definitely happens, it's not always that you're imagining a future per se, they just become a subconscious or conscious "given" as someone you think of each day &/or look forward to/enjoy as a part of your life in some way that day. Your last sentence reminded me of the song lyrics: " I turned around Before I could run I found you already settled down In the back of my mind "
The second half reminds me of how some people leave a relationship in their head before actually leaving a relationship and how that person moved on quickly and how the person blindsided often goes through a villain arch.
Literally most women’s playbook… he has covered this in previous episodes.. it’s called monkey branching… a monkey doesn’t let go of a branch when swinging without a firm hold of the other branch…. I’ve read a lot of women in comments and seen podcasts where they state they leave the relationship mentally months before they do physically.
This is especially tough when you've been with someone emotionally unavailable or otherwise distant. The human tendency is to "fill in the blanks" with what you HOPE to be true. Though the fantasy soon crumbles, the pain you feel is quite real.
Of course, the pain you feel is real. However, despite constantly attributing our feelings to our experiences, what we feel is never caused by what we experience (we're just sooo good in constantly confusing correlation and causation); what we experience triggers what we feel though. With this in mind, my question then would be, what's your part in the equation? I.e., where does the urge to fill in blanks come from? Why are you attracted to someone emotionally unavailable in the first place? What's the very first experience in your life you can think of where you felt exactly the same feeling? Once you've got the answer to particularly that latter one, you're getting closer to where this pain really comes from...
"Killing your own heart is worse than anything the other person can do to you" really struck home with me. Protecting my heart from further damage and pain has helped me to prosper and take better care of myself. But it has also cost me loneliness, distrusting others, and lack of companionship. The sweet, loving woman I once was is now more cautious and leery. My younger self wouldn't recognize her.
Sadly this happens to a lot of us. Loneliness, distrust, and lack of companionship are all being noted as epidemics these days. It is not helpful for society. I hope you find what you are looking for in life.
That's why we had a system where male relatives protected young women from their own choices by helping them pick a mate. To me it seems women became jaded and unable to bond with trauma.
@@edheldude Yes because the system before was flawless and only when they started picking their spouses without family's help did they get hurt and damaged... Rolls eyes.
@@AlyssaIrvine I didn't say that. Impossible to have a conversation if you have malicious intent. It was developed through cultural natural selection. It was the best surviving system there was. Now we see from the population development and the state of mental health how this current one works.
Orion makes it clear that he's never been married. I didn't lose a "dream" or a "potential outcome." I lost my house, half my time with my kid, my lifestyle, my in-law family, etc. You know, "real" stuff.
Nothing in the future is guaranteed; it was all only imagined. Maybe in some other universe, you stay with your now ex-spouse but lose everything fiscally (house, lifestyle, etc.). Alternatively, you may gain something real by losing the imagined future with your ex-spouse, like meeting your soulmate.
@Alexxx492 When a person builds future (which includes house, kids, etc) and the other person leaves the relationship, then you might understand the pain that goes through the heart and breaks it into pieces.
Man that sucks. In retrospect, do you wish you had been more vicious in the divorce proceedings? If she "went low", do you wish you had went lower? Would you do it differently?
Exactly what I was thinking watching the video. This vid is really is for relationships when they're all lovey-dovey in our 20s, love with no shared possessions and responsibilities etc. My ex deffo took a lot away from me, including my offspring.
The loss is the third person. That is the personality that you are when you are with the other person. This can't be easily replaced. Even if much of the relationship was difficult or painful, it can only exist with the person that you are in a relationship with. Its a long adaptation to find another, better, person that fulfills this need for interaction. If your wondering what this is; imagine that after a relationship ends, people will talk to themselves either verbally or as part of an internal monologue
You are absolutely right in that you lose not only the relationship but who you are, in the relationship with that particular person. Very percptive comment.
This is so fucking accurate. I dreamt of kids, an open yard on green grass, raising my sons to be honorable, strong, and stoic men. All gone within a few hours.
Hey, the same thing just happened to me. I completely relate. I never dreamed of kids and the house and the big yard before, only with this woman. Same thing as you, thought of raising strong men. And same as you, all gone within a few hours.
Beautiful and profound. Summarised as... don't destroy the light of who you are when you let something go. Even if what you let go betrayed or burned you in some manner. Maybe you messed up in some way too - maybe you were innocent or naive or clueless... and while you must grow from this experience and learn from it, do not allow it to callus over and make you callous or deaden your soul. You can experience joy again. You will experience happiness again. It's ok to get excited and be optimistic again. Learn the lessons, but never at the cost of losing the best parts of who you are. Sometimes you will be tempted to burn these parts away as you believe that in some way they were responsible for what went wrong. But this would be a greater error. Instead allow yourself to retrieve those beautiful parts, and reintegrate them. Become stronger through balance, not sacrifice. In losing my last relationship a few years ago I killed a part of me. And this is now having an affect on my new marriage. This is unfair on my wife who deserves the parts of me that were lost.
This is a great video, but I disagree with the idea that you cannot lose your past. Gaining wisdom in the present can fundamentally alter how you perceive your past. When someone betrays you, it's not just your present and future that are affected; your past can be changed as well. The knowledge of betrayal can reshape your memories, making you see past events in a new light. Your past is part of who you are now, so when you uncover the truth and shed ignorance, your past experiences can be taken from you and redefined in an instant - before you even have the opportunity to decathect. Certainly, it is still you breaking your own heart - for you are at fault for your own ignorance; and fortunately, you can still choose to decathect from that past, even after it all came crushing down - and that takes a lot of the pain away.
I had exactly this thought as well. And one more: a denied hoped-for future is hardly an ephemeral loss when the relationship has produced children and assets. Divorce does not merely deny you a hoped for future, it delivers a very much unwanted one in its place, with consequences you will have to endure for the remainder of your life.
Jordan Peterson said this “if you betray me, then I have to see you differently” You have your expectations of the world, and you have the real world. If there is a mismatch, you may have to retool your perceptions. And if you interacted with the person in an intimate relationship, and there turns out to be a big mismatch, you may have to retool your memories of your past with the person. effectively rewriting it. Be good to each other.
I think he gets that it's just that he meant that what happened happened and can't be changed, therefore the past is what it is and it's lost. And that is liberating certainly.
Yes absolutely what I understood too. The past memories are altered but the happenings/events/occurances of the past can't be changed. What happened happened. What changes is the perspective of your experience and the memories associated with it and yes that's a big change and can ruin the past memories but still whatever happened can't be changed. @@juandavidtabares9446
Completely agree. The past is a perception and it changes once you shed new light on it. So, it's not so accurate to say that the past stays with you when it is not static.
Sounds good but try telling a man who lost his house and is now sleeping in the streets after a divorce “it was only a dream”. In this case life is a dream, nothing has value, become the dalaï lama
Bro got played and sold his house (through marriage) for a dream. She wanted resources, he wanted sexual opportunity (long term), she got what she wanted, hes broke and no sex anymore. (bad chess player)
I've got a counter argument. The thing lost is hope, and while hope isn't a physical thing, it is the most real thing. Hope is the belief that there is a desirable future, without any proof. It is the only reason to act in a way that benefits the future. Hope is the reason we set our alarm clocks for the morning, even though we might die in our sleep. Now, it may be true that the perceived loss is far greater than the reality. But that's a hard thing to prove, since losing hope is a self fulfilling condition. So it may seem from the outside that the person who has lost hope has everything they they had before. But internally, that person no longer has the reason to do the things that make a desirable future likely to arrive. Having lost the reason to act, he has in fact lost everything. Hope is the engine that drives everything.
That's one of the best comments I've ever read on the Internet (and I've been surfing the web since 1998). The fact that most people have lost hope in the future is one of the reasons why our current society is completely messed up. People nowadays have lost hope in relationships. People have lost hope in politics, in the economy, in God, in culture, etc... We're indeed living in a hopeless world. And as the poster above stated: it's always been hope in a better future which drives humans in building something and leaving a legacy for the future. And the reason (IMO) why heartbreaks are so tragic it's that they literally destroy a person's hope in healthy or happy relationships. Sure, one can survive the collapse of a relationship (wether it's a marriage, friendship, etc) but regardless of our best intentions and efforts we'll not enter a new relationship with the same hope and purity as the first one. We will be more mature, yes. But - at the same time - we'll also be more suspicious, more alert and more selfish. And the fact that there are literally thousands of RU-vid channels (like Taraban's) exploring relationship problems only proves that there is a severe "emotional crisis" in the 21st century. And there's no way a society cam hold itself together when people no longer have the ability to create emotional bonds with each other. If we survive a terrible car crash we'll inevitably learn something new from the experience (and in a sense it may make us "stronger"). But at the same time we may also risk carry injuries and scars for the rest of our life. It would be far, far better if one never had to suffer a car crash in their entire lifetime. Again...thanks for your comment, ChristnThms
You don't want to loose Hope, it's where you place that Hope that matters. Don't put all the hope of your heart in a person & let it die with the relationship -- in their cold closed heart that candle goes out. That's part of what Orion is talking about: take *your* Hope back. That Hope is meant for a candle in your own heart & for the untrodden path *forward* .
@@IfSemper that's literally circular logic. If a man already followed that advice, he's alone and in no need of that advice. If a man is in need of that advice it means he's already lost hope, in which case "go get your hope back" is a circle... if he could, he wouldn't need the advice.
@@ChristnThms He can, though, that's why he needs the advice. Its only dead & "lost" if one leaves it in that other person/circumstance. It is in reality *yours* to take back. If you don't believe that, it's up to you, but that's my reply on the subject of Hope.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really loved him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I learned the "just let it go" lesson from the TV series Kung Fu. The monkey reaches into the narrow necked jar to get the apple. The monkey, grabbing the apple, can not remove it from the jar. Only by releasing the apple and dumping the jar did he get the apple. True in life.
Dr. Taraban is right. Even though my marriage to my first wife ended on amicable terms 21 years ago, I still think of the very good parts of the marriage. Her leaving didn’t change the past. Now when I get disappointed that moving toward a dream isn’t happening quick enough for me, I stop myself and ask what is driving me. Most of the time I can get what I need met in my current situation after doing this analysis.
So, if I build my career and make my fortune, a women cannot take anything away from me in a divorce. She cannot falsely sue me and take any of my property, She cannot accuse me falsely and ruin my career. Thank you doc, for pointing this out. I am greatly relieved to hear it. Salom.
Great vid as always. Shows how important it is to separate our best bits from our dreams. We cant afford to lose the dream and ourselves if/when it goes wrong
Once I accepted this with my ex-husband it was easy to move on. We hope and expectation in a person and the relationship that you blame them because you invested in something that they didn’t see hope like you did. So it’s just you letting yourself down, stop seeking hope and validation in others and better yourself in hope for a better you. Blessings 💜
I like your thoughts here. However, what is the purpose of an intimate relationship if we do not seek hope? Maybe its just me. I think seeking hope is a critical part of why we invest in others and sometime its ok if we feel disappointed in the end
Deeply heartfelt! I love how you logically explained a process that, while suffering, feels impossible to achieve because we are so blinded by pain and negative emotions. Taking control of reality without losing the best parts of ourselves. Our dreams are still alive within us. We just may need to find someone else to share them. If we feel like it 😉❤️
A glass half full… the remaining half is available to be filled with new possibilities. When a relationship ends/completes, you have opportunity for a new one. Take the best of you, wiser, & find a new relationship. Be optimistic.
I really appreciate this. I was thinking more about the person that was with me was what brought happiness - the ywo of us together - the partnership. Now that she’s no longer with me… “I am hurt and my life is ruined” is what I was thinking. But the reality is, it was the dream that was hurt. Learn from that experience and move forward. Don’t let the heart become hardened. Don’t let the dream die! This was a really awesome hack. Thank you!
This might sound odd, but this video helped me understand why I’m still struggling with losing my startup job in June. I was deeply emotionally invested in the people, the vision, and my role in it all. At 52, juggling ADD, sleep apnea, a director role, full-time development, and parenting a 3-year-old with limited daycare support proved too much. My health suffered, and things unraveled from there. Thanks for the insight, Orion!
It depends on what it is. Some changes are associated with multiple aspects of your life. You've spent alot of time building upon it so much that it is entrenched in multiple aspects of your life, which could mean adjustments to several entities, not just 1. Your entire lifestyle can be affected in some situations.
It's amazing how listening to an idea that you disagree with from the get-go can have such a eye opening and enlightening effect if you just hear it the rest of the way out.
This a powerful video. It brought tears to my eyes. You are doing important work here that could help a lot of people, Orion. Let me express my gratitude and say that I hope it continues and that we can incorporate these lessons into our lives.
Your book is truly incredible. I have recommend it to family and friends. And you were right, you do speak on so many other topics that are not discussed on your channel. Thank you.
Great message. Great channel. You've helped a lot of people in a lot of different ways. If that's not making the world a better place, then I don't know what is.
3 years ago, I left the corporate world and started my own business. I put my all into it; my time, effort, finances, energy, and emotions. Anddddd it ended up failing pretty hard financially. This process is describing a lot of things I’m going through as well, even though it’s not a romantic breakup. Hugely insightful on why it’s felt the way it has, and helps give me some hope back. Thanks Dr. Orion! 🙌
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I just purchased your book. I am very grateful for your service and hope you know how much good you’re doing to guide people in a tangible way through some of the ugliness of humanity. Helping to shine light in a productive and practical way; helping others to hone their aperture of the mind into focusing on worthwhile pursuits. Thank you
I told many that I wasn’t grieving the loss of the man I was grieving the “happily ever after”. What really broke my heart was how I was treated, or the lack thereof. Lots of traumas but to be treated as if I was his wife much less a friend in the last couple years(perhaps longer) was the worst.
A breakup is painful in the short term, but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me in the long term. It leads to significant personal development and offers me the opportunity to rediscover myself.
The idea that heartbreak is a function of the love and/or attraction you put in is powerful. I always looked at a dream as a shared thing in my marriage. I can see now that its impossible to completely share the same dream. Each one of us started with different levels of love and/or attraction to begin with. My pain is based on my input and my healing will be based on my letting go. I like the idea of killing the dream without killing your heart as well. This also explains why some people move on faster than others. Thank you.
This is such a great video Thank You. You are helping so many people in the world with this knowledge and insights. The Audiobook is AMAZING!!! A Modern Classic.
This video is fantastic, truly. Your factual analysis is explained in a way I completely understand, and it's honestly refreshing to have your "Ok, let's cut the crap" spin on several click-bait topics like relationships, dating, absence/ no contact, etc. I'm SO so happy I stumbled upon your channel in the RU-vid rabbit hole!
This highest and best use of this advice is to use it looking forward. Use it to explain the past but not to dwell in the past. When you cross the road look at the cars that can hit you not the cars that have already driven past. Keep your eye on the ball - list all of the places you are investing hope right now and evaluate the situation rationally.
The past is not necessarily locked safely away. If you learn that your past was based on lies, it can be shattered and essentially stolen. I think this is something you should seriously consider, doc...
In my humble opinion sir...your Best Video Yet!..holding back your own power/heart, is a mandatory survival tactic, in the fact that it may keep you from having to cross "the River of Pain" if the relationship train wrecks...which in this insane world, is an even greater possibility...
Reducing performative expectations for other people, especially those one shares intimacy with, can preemptively alleviate, or atleast cushion the trauma that inevitably comes at the end of ALL relationships.. NEVER invest more of yourself into ANYTHING or ANYONE than you're willing to lose.. because loss is 100% guaranteed..sooner or later..
And to add ....... false expectations in relationships come from a lack of consideration that the other person is a human being with their own free will who may not want what you want for very legitimate reasons.
To add one more thing to my last post......the relationship ends because the person with the false expectations refuses to let go of said expectations to such an extent that the other person would be miserable trying to meet them. Eventually, the delusional person with the false expectations drives the other person off by directing unrelenting anger towards the reasonable person, and the delusional person is blindsided by this having their heart broken in the process because they simply can't let go of the dream. To break one's own heart is to refuse to let go of the dream.
This helped me out immensely. I was just in the middle of being myself up over thoughts of an ex, but your video pulled me out of it Thank you for the explanation!
Define indulging in grief. And why would that advice apply to single men who are not looking to get into a relationship? There is a reason being single gives more liberty to be more selfish.
right now this is the experience that i feel. the futur dreams i carried with my ex were the most painful lost i had lately. when you are both young and she got diagnosed with a brain tumor it crushed a lot of our dreams. i invested so much to hope there will be a 2nd chance for us that when she started recovering, it was devastating to realize we will never be able to stay together and live a life as a couple.... but as much painful as it was for me i am glad i did what i did. i believe the hopes and love i gave her is the reason she found strenght and recovered. wont say much details but passing from a mother that is telling you your time almost over to me which gave her hopes to hold on. there was a huge difference and it did show in the timeline of her scans and abilities to recover. all that to say yes, crushed dreams crushed you. way more than just the fact of not beeing with someone anymore. the pain is really from ourself and our mind. i believe it is there for you to think and grow from within. btw she was 26 and i was 27 when it happened. she is alive and still recovering from the damage it caused her. she is getting stronger now and is able to enjoy life again from the news i have from her and her dad
I get what you mean, but you still technically trusted someone with your heart, and they broke it by unilaterally ending the relationship. Perhaps you can say that YOU invested all of that in the wrong person and gave your heart to the wrong person. That helps you learn from your choices, but ultimately, they chose to break your heart. You gave it to them after all. It's ok to allow yourself to feel the pain of it for a bit. Gotta feel it to heal it, right? Then, keep moving forward.
