Why We Become “Too Nice” When We Like Someone 

Love this. If you treat someone as if they're a star, they'll treat you like a fan.

I am naturally very sweet and kind and considerate & so accommodating… my EX said I was such a pleaser… but sweet people have big egos and we know our self worth, at least I do… and he’s now he’s still trying to process the reality that I walked walk away & shut the door! Don’t take advantage of sweet people, let them be sweet…because sometimes it’s just in their nature to be so giving and selfless

It’s neediness. For whatever reason, you feel like you need to have this person to provide value in your life. So you’ll bend over backwards trying to please this person, even at the expense of yourself.

It is truly fascinating when you already stopped liking someone, you start to see all your efforts and how they were not appreciated.

I was “too nice” while dating an ex who truly didn’t care for me. I did resent them a lot, but also myself. Because I made myself small and always too accommodating while compromising myself. At one point, I thought to myself, “I don’t know who I am in this relationship.” I truly did not recognize the person I was because it felt like an unauthentic version of myself that I knew wasn’t the real me. I was unconsciously compromising myself in order to cater to my ex. I’m still learning to let go, move on, and grow out of being a “too nice” person. But I’m happier I left that relationship behind.

To those who are pleaser or giver types, maybe this helps: Your partner also gains from you being more assertive when it comes to addressing your needs. There is obviously a line between being selfish and simply asking for your fair share. But people who are too nice can make relationships of any sort harder sometimes. There is a reason for the rule in case of an airplane incident that you should put your own oxygen mask on first - you can't help others if you haven't helped yourself. There is a reason to why you should be less nice, but more predictable in traffic - other drivers and pedestrians need guidance, too. Most people aren't givers. Most people also aren't takers, either. Most simply think the world should be in balance. But most people don't expect you to be too nice, because you're not the norm (sadly). Think about discussions with partners about what you want to eat for dinner or if you want to go out and if to where and if it's the cinema what movie to be watched. It can be frustrating to not get to an answer. Sometimes it's nice if someone creates a fact. Isn't it sometimes nice if someone else takes charge? Be that nice person, who takes the responsibility away from your partner. It creates security, a plan, something to look forward to, something to work towards. And sometimes that's exactly what your partner (or anyone else) wants from you. Knowing who you are and what you want is the hardest thing to get to in life - sometimes I feel most people never get there. But once you do, it's not just your life that improves, it's other people's, as well. Life is about trial and error. If you never take the initiative, you'll never get to make the errors and therefore never get to improve - improve your life and that of others. It's a good thing to be a giver, never give that up. It's a good thing to care for others and to try to make the world a tiny little bit better every day. But you're more worth to the rest of us when you are happy.

I needed to hear this. I’ve always been a yes girl or someone who hates conflict so I dance around my relationships. Not anymore… it’s stressful and it drains me to the core.

Take it slow, give yourself time to set boundaries and aim to find a best friend who you're attracted to.

After decades of trying to find love in all the wrong places . I feel I’ve finally got it. There is no soul mate out there. I refuse to put anyone on a pedestal and I put boundaries in with anyone putting me on a pedestal. All humans have faults, end of. “Be who you are , say what you feel , as those that matter don’t mind , and those that mind don’t matter.”

Being with someone super agreeable all the time is draining too. It makes them more dull, you feel you can’t trust them because you know they’re not being their real self. Also, they don’t know their own boundaries, so don’t know how to tell you when you’re unintentionally stepping on their boundaries. They act in a way that’s not genuine, so eventually they’ll get to a point where they’ll feel resentful towards you, or may say that their feelings for you changed. Their feelings for you didn’t change, they just didn’t allow themselves to feel or show those feelings with you, and after not being able to stuff it down anymore, they let it all out in an avalanche move. Also, if you’re an intuitive person, which most women are, you’ll know that something is up but won’t know how to address things, because the other person won’t ever admit to them because they deal with things by laughing things off and acting like nothing is wrong - so eventually you’ll probably burst out too out of frustration. So basically, bottom line is, be authentic. Don’t be a people pleaser. Reveal yourself slowly (always vet good character and good intentions though, especially in this day and age of bad relationship behaviors). While you’re showing yourself and vetting, s/he will show himself for who they are eventually because people can’t keep up a show for too long.

9:42..the goal changes from "I want to find a connection" to "I want to win over *this* person." Oh man, I've done this, argh !

Wait wow the mini bar analogy is so amazing. Instead of just being you, you’re trying to be anything and everything to the person you want

This is where knowing the difference between niceness and kindness.

I stood up for my self and we had an argument, next time I saw him he said he said he had doubts about me…so I left. Thank god it happened now and not later on!

"why, because they won the genetic lottery of symmetry?" Hahahahah.

I’ve definitely done this, even in my thirties (which I still am). I feel I may have somewhat skipped puberty or experience it very late, cause I’ve never had teenage love and now make all of the mistakes most people probably make at a young age.

I've treated someone as a star at first and i was just the fan but then after a couple months i became the star -- i think that's fine and works to your advantage if you do it correctly and you have something to offer

The fear of rejection has always been the key reason why I'm "too nice" or people pleasing. But Audrey's point was great, in that I'm more likely to be rejected for being too nice than for being myself. Another reason too is not revealing too much of myself, it's a protection thing. But it's also linked to a confidence and self esteem thing too.

In the next relationship that I will have, I would rather be with someone that I'm not very attracted to than be with someone that I'm head over heels with. I become submissive and taken advantage of when I like the person so much. This decision is based from my past experiences.

Matthew this is so perfect when you said we over value other people when we should really value ourselves . To try to be what we think this other person wants just to get them to like you alway's fail. Value and worth and standards are the key to being our own self. We don't need another person to make us feel good about ourselves , what we need is to value ourselves for who we are. When you have standards and you keep them no matter how wonderful you think this other person is then you win.

3yrs with my partner & I’m only just learning how to set boundaries & stop being “too nice”. This is great, thank you ❤

@17:27 the Mini Bar effect - my father taught me that, it was the only way I could spend any time with him. We learn that stuff very young, before we have any awareness that it never works, not even with Dad.

This is an excellent topic. I wish I had understood this when I was dating & newly engaged. What many young people don't realize is that there is conflict in all relationships & if there is no healthy foundation for conflict resolution in the relationship, the relationship can go south very quickly. Children get sick, children develop mental illness, people get fired from their jobs, people make bad investments & people develop addictions. If one person is always "nice" & agreable but then an important issue arises that approaches a deal breaking situation, the other person may feel their sense of entitlement attacked. I know a couple that divorced when their teenage son developed mental illness & they couldn't agree on a course of action. I divorced when my husband developed a gambling problem & I started saying "NO" to his distructive behaviors.

I've been listening to Matt for YEARS. He hasn't been wrong yet in my love life. He never stops amazing me. Thank You, Matt for jumping on your calling. You're wonderful 💛

what i am missing in this talk is how it can be a good feeling when you are enjoying yourself and your partner likes you for that

I really like Audrey. She comes across as quite genuine to me. Also as a mental health nurse myself, her views are always very valid

From personal experience, When I started dating my ex girlfriend, I was very laid back and kept myself composed with my emotions. In the first month, Her ex boyfriend was still in the picture because he was persistent towards her about wanting to get back together. She didn't want him This of course made her reach out to me and be vulnerable. I was there for her and reassured her that I was going to be there for her. She appreciated it and even said that I did more for her in the first three weeks of dating than her ex did in their five year relationship. A week later, we went away for the weekend together and it was amazing. We became really close and she didn't want the weekend to end. Neither did I to be honest. After she said that, she cried and opened up to me about stuff. It was that night I put her before myself and I realised how much I cared about her. Over the next few weeks, I kept putting her before myself and did everything for her. I even stopped living my life to help her to show her how I felt about her. Everytime we went out or did something together I always tried to make it adventurous. I lost myself. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I nearly go fired from my job because I would drop work to help her out. (Luckily I still have my job and I apologised to everyone for my actions) I was angry all the time. I wasn't happy. In that time, I lost my self respect and she took advantage of that to the point where she said horrible things about me and she even was physically abusive a couple of times. I was too nice to her because I gave too much too soon. Despite me trying to compose myself at the start. I thought she would change if I gave more and more. What I am trying to say is... I've leart from my mistakes and taken accountability for my role. I know it's hard to not put someone else above your own needs, but trust me... No one is more important than you. Especially in dating. You have needs and a life, too. Look after yourself and keep educating yourself to become a stronger and continue to be that wonderful individual that you are. I believe you all can do it and with Matthew's help, I learnt a lot from him and even though I am better off after the breakup, I still enjoy educating myself from his videos and lessons. Thank you, Matthew for all you do for us. 💯

This was a real eye opener, i’ve been realizing this slowly over the last couple weeks and this video graded it perfectly

this channel has changed my dating life and the way i look at people i’m dating

I do this and they always get the upper hand. It's as if you designed this talk for me, I'm going through this right now. In a previous relationship I could only reveal one mood-- nice. I did not feel like I could be authentically myself, this time around I'm revealing all my sides, even my crappy side. I have to see if he can love all of me, and I need to see if I can love all of him. Thanks for the killer video!

I deeply appreciate this Matthew, we need to get back to our internal truths.

'' They're not more important than you '' THANK YOU!!

This is crazy. Matthew you always post the video that I need!!!

This video session gets to the very kernel of things I have often struggled with in dating throughout life. It’s exactly what I needed to hear- what I was searching for yet didn’t realize. Thank you. You guys are sincerely the best in this space. I have enjoyed many of your other videos as well- although this particular one seems to have been mystically meant for me. My paradigm has shifted. I am now much better off going forward. ❤❤

You see this a lot in online dating forums. People posting screenshots of texts they had with someone they met through an app and they ask others what they should say next or where they went wrong in the conversation, etc. If they were talking to the person who is right for them, they wouldn't need to be asking online forums for opinions on what their next lines should be. It's sad people are so scared to be themselves in fear of rejection.

Well said👍❤ when Matt talked about being agreeable and saying your ok but your not and then 20yrs later you've had enough, decide to have boundaries and the other person acts out... that's my parents. And I am learning how to break that cycle. Thank you for your wisdom crew🤗❤

I love how Mathew addresses the topic of finding love. It makes me think that growing up, I have only come across narratives on how you need to change to fit in to his idea of love or in general sense and I love how Mathew advises otherwise, with such detailed insights and metaphors! It’s important to be and have fun in a relationship, but as they say, First things first baby! 😊

Its important to be yourself from the beginning of a relationship if you want to find someone suitable. Otherwise it is a charade.

Dear lord I NEED this one today, going to listen now

I wish I learned this a long time ago. I wasted so much life hiding my real self.

Outstanding vid! Really gets down to the core of our personalities and true motives as to why we do what we do in relationships. Childhood issues that we had tend to play out in our adult lives. Those "fight, flight, freeze and fawn" tendencies that we learned in childhood that protected us from rejection and abandonment are still in our subconscious, and we will use them in romantic relationships to avoid emotional pain. If people can't love and accept us for who we are, they weren't meant to be in our lives. Too many people are looking for perfection in an imperfect world.

*GASP* This is the piece of my puzzle I've been searching to heal!!! I've been working on my self-worth...I sooo needed this😍🥰🤩 Thank you!!!!!

This is my favorite video you’ve ever done! So many things I’ll take away from this.♥️♥️

Stephen really made some great points in this, especially around the 19 min mark 👍👏

Great video!! Touches on not just one's attraction to others, but how someone can lose sight of how they view themselves (or, god forbid, devalue themselves) when in love relationships. It's funny how the hardest thing to do when trying to find love is "be yourself", because we're trying hard to "win over" someone vs actually being your true self to see whether it's honestly a good love match.

This is one of my favorite ones, so powerful and true ❤

Awesome! Everyone who has experienced narcissistic relational abuse needs to watch this, and especially to take to heart the advice "Stop this nonsense". Best video yet. Thanks, team xx

Teal Swan once said ;D (YES) that if we lean into people pleasing in our behavior, deep down we are afraid of people. I think this point has value in this discussion. Thank you everyone contributing to this channel for making these great and helpful videos!

I love this debate between you , so much of it resonates with me.

Maaaaaaaan you are THE MAN! I love listening to you talk dude. I've been struggling lately with having an anxious attachment style and you're really helping me see value in myself again. Thank You

Yea, it’s so scary when it’s a big chemistry. I nearly get breathless just thinking of it.

This pod cast had so many " wow" moments for me. Thank you Matt for posting !

Great episode! So important for me to be mindful of building others up on pedestals and how that can affect how I relate to them.

This was sooo powerful guys!! My Lordy… lol you’re all brilliant Watsons!!!!

Wonderful video, thank you. Audrey adds such a great energetic balance

Effin nailed it dude. Spot on.

I actually cannot believe you made this video lol. I described this feeling almost verbatim to my therapist last week. I am a yes girl only when it comes to romantic relationships and just haven’t been able to map out how to NOT be. This is one I’ll be listening to on repeat. THANK YOU 💞

Dear Matthew….love you so much ❤ ❤ You are a blessing to all the women in the world….May God bless you with a long,happy and healthy life..

OMG such a powerhouse of wisdom and experience ! Thank you 🙏

So needed to hear this! Have always been a people pleaser, agreeing when i disagreed and it was draining. Also it was not being fair to the person because they didnt see my true self and were likely getting bored with my yes all the time. Thank you for this Matthew

I was recently in a relationship where i was "the nice person". Everytime when i tried to set boundries, he soul get annoyed with me for being dramatic or ruining a good mood. Eventually i felt like my needs or feelings didn't matter to him. I broke up with him, full of resentment.

I love hearing all of his team giving their thoughts n opinions.🔥⭐🧡💜

Love you❤ Matthew for guiding us in a true way. You always speak the truth and fact of relationship. Keep up the good work

This resonates with LD dating… we only get to see the version of that person who they show us when they are ON for the weekend. Most are not like myself in the ideal that I am always authentic- as not to deceive- I think that scares men away with the thought that if THIS is who she is on first encounters, what ELSE will come out when she is comfortable. I don’t play. I am exactly as I am whether first meet or 10 years down the road. Yours Truly, Forever Solo Single.

The title of this should be "authenticity." This perfectly encapsulated why I stepped back from my family of origin: they weren't open to me being my authentic self. If I wasn't what they wanted - being agreeable - they would negate me/disappear. 🙏

Great advices - as always! Thank you 💖💖💖

Explained the way I'm feeling recently and yes all of them are word by word TRUE

always on point! thanks Matt

this is a really good video with tons of good advice.

Loved the comment about : doing X connecting . Thank you 🙏🏻🌹✨🙏🏻

I absolutely needed to hear this 💯

Needed this… have been stuck in a cycle for two years… me bending over backwards to be nice to him… and him constantly rejecting me and never seeing my value

This is very helpful. Thought I was doing things wrong by opening up and finding things out. Glad I'm on the right path. Thank you for your program. Guess when I get rejected I doubt myself if real love exists.

So good. True for live and career. Thank you. ❤️

She was great. She made very clear statements that were easy to understand.

This is just what I needed to hear . Thank You Lord Bless ❤️🇨🇱

I am the too nice kind too. My problem is not how i am, but the fact that i am never choosing partners that reciprocate or even appreciate what i do. I think many women here may have the same situation. I am 42 male from Lisbon. There goes my message in a bottle

I love this conversation. I just recently met someone online and this topic is exactly what happened on meeting the first date. He was exactly everything I was looking for in a man and I choked up and pulled back because I wasn't sure if he was legit or playing a manipulation game. I'm cautious. So conversation was good in some moments, but other times it was me that didn't know what to say and I was being too nice and it got awkward a lot. I'm actually really ashamed of myself for sleeping with him on the first date, (that was awkward too) but I broke my own rule of thumb, and I believe it caused a lack of respect between both of us. Anyways, he did text me the next day but not very much. Then a couple days went by and I never heard from him, and still haven't. Okay to my point, what I do think what happens like in my situation, I choked up because I wasn't sure of his intentions and who he was. I'm a bit reluctant to open up so widely. But I know he was no better than me and I didn't fawn over him too hard cuz I know my self-worth and what I deserve. So in that case, I was really hoping he'd have the patience to let me open up to him and I think things could be different because we had a good connection at moments. So finding someone who is willing to have the patience for someone like me who chokes up around men easily, is something more people need to practice. But that also makes it clear of what his intentions were to begin with. Apologies for the long story I had to get that out.

Outstanding clear and logical analysis

I liked this a lot: 10:30 "You are really impressive AND I need to be able to be myself around you, and I need you to be able to make space for that." "to be able to make space for me" is a really important Quality of other people, just like intellect, openness, kindness, etc. And somehow I tend to take it out from the equation when I estimate how great they are.

Thanks man i needed this!

Best video from you guys I’ve watched so far 😍 this topic is so important, if I had known that in my teenage year they would have been much simplier 😅

As a man, i have to say some of our personalities can come off as "excitable" (in the good way). That is who i am and ive scared off a lot of women or turned them off socially. Another reason why we turn "nice" is because some of us do need to show a little self control when it comes to presenting ourselves to others, and honestly some of the stuff that we think is funny could be absolutely diabolical to someone else.

Thank you for the wealth of wisdom , knowledge and insight… you have help me in a way I can not put in words

Love this! Wish I have heard it 21 years ago

Thank you so much. It is very helpful.

And by the way, thank you so much to all of you for the incredibly insightful content 💙🤘

What a healing video ❤️

Thank you for the thoughts.

Damn that’s some real shit. I wish you were my friend, I love convos like this however I just don’t know anyone I can talk on a deep level with. Very surface round here.

Helpful Thank You.

there's a lot of gold in this video

Wonderful information 💗💗💗

Thank you. That was a good video

I listened to this podcast a while ago, but this came up on my RU-vid at exactly the time I needed it to. I've really been struggling this week, I always say the thing, but it's always hard. I asked for my needs to be met this week, and he just can't at the moment, which is really painful, but the conversation we had was really healthy.

This was so useful for my work in sales 👍

Being ‘too nice’… can be many things… one would be not knowing oneself and acting out a need for approval. If someone is being authentic… functioning from their heart and feelings… then approaching the person would be for connection…. And not to be Fake. Now… the person you approached could be a judgmental, snob , know it all… who could judge you as too nice… It would be a relief if we could just return to the base warm feeling of nice. And have a nice respectful kindness with others. It can be a very strong stance. Not negative.

Love this too nice to the people around you💖💖

oh wow 'won the genetic lottery on symmetry ?? that makes them more important than you...what nonsense....' was some of the best words everrrrr

this video hit home so much. wow.