Let me know below: do you think you've experienced transference? How did it (or is it) impacting your life? Did you recognize any patterns you're playing out in your relationships while watching? Remember to download the guide for tools to help you stop having this painful experience: www.terricole.com/why-we-repeat-painful-relationship-patterns-guide
@@terri_cole Hi Terri, thank you so much for your reply. In answer to your question, yes I do feel that I have experienced transference. My mother was very critical of me and I always tried to please her even as an adult. I have 2 daughters and a son. My middle daughter has similar characteristics to me and we clash a lot. Everything I say she says the opposite this is the same as my mother did to me and I feel that when my daughter is doing this I treat as as I would my mother.
I’ve known about transference and counter transference for 25 years now, and I believe that it is one of the most important things to learn in the management of one’s emotions. Thank you for dedicating a video to the topic. What really impressed me is you explaining the reasons for choosing someone to repeat the pattern with in the hopes of somehow getting it better this time. The way you explained the almost childlike innocence and belief, rather than just a masochistic tendency deeply resonated with me … thank you 🙏
I love this too and I remember how Eckart said this in a different way, that ifthe emotion doesn't just pass through you and sticks onto something it means there's still something inside of you for it just stick onto.
Another great episode Terri - - I dated many emotionally unavailable men and did the long distance relationship for 3 years - - so painful, frustrating and filled me with anger and anxiety. My co-depend bahavior was in full bloom! My Dad was a great provider for my familyand I know he loved me, but not very emotionally available and my Mom was very critical of me. I chased men trying to get the approval I did NOT get at home. And I tried to get my self esteem through a man. NEVER WORKED. now I am setting healthy boundaries and working on my self love and self esteem and self compassion, Breaking old patterns is not easy but I will do it! Thanks for all your help
You are not alone. Im 43 learning to say no to my emotionally unavailable dad who only has conversations beyond the day to day greetings when he wants something. Slowly but surely communicating how things he does makes me feel.
Love the way you always tell us a personal story. It gives such great context to what you’re teaching and describing and makes me really relate to you. You’re the best, Terri.
About 4 months ago, me and my wife and I were in therapy. My wife was talking about alot of concerns with my mom moving in after my dad died. The therapist (who never does this) started making alot of faces, like shock, disgust and somethin happen to me. It felt like I was falling out of an airplane with no parachute. I was not okay for about 3 weeks. And stopped seeing that therapist. But I think I had a transference of him.being my dad. I wish I could understand what happen. But thankful I'm okay now. I'm a little scared of coupkes therapy now. So thank goodness for these books, workbooks, and RU-vid because I want to keep evolving and having awareness. I am so thankful for this information! So thank you!
Ohhhh so true. After being so composed and having my act together I witnessed myself jumping up like a spring to a comment someone made! Definitely transference! I am so thankful for your guidance. This episode does add a lot of value to my personal and professional life.
I can relate, I can relate. I've always had this, with both men and women. I never knew why I had repeating relationships and now I FINNALY understand why I get into relationships with unavailable, ignorant, people. THANK YOU!
I just love you, Terri Cole. You provide such valuable wisdom, and the thing you do is make it so relatable by giving an example of things that occurred in your life and when you do that, it makes it stick instead of some theory in words where I have to figure out, how does that fit for me. when you present your RU-vids it’s like ding, ding, ding, ding ding, and all these moments and epiphanies are going off and then I start journaling. I just love you and thank you so much for showing up for us the way you do.
Thank you Terri . I agree with someone else that your personal examples illustrate the points that you are making so very clearly. I knew about transference and counter transference but I have never really seen quite so clearly the roles that I enact in response to the transference as I do after your example. But I also believe there are grey areas . It is hard to know what a "normal" reaction is when you have strong fawning responses or have been exposed to signficant abuse and neglect as children. It is also possible that we do respond to others energetically with strong preferential responses - and that that is not necessarily transference - that may be because that frequency is either not healthy for us or very healthy for us. Like you say knowing your wounds and the familiarity of the unhealthy energy or behaviour that go with those wounds can help clarify that and if you are clear about them then I suppose the best guide is how "wrong" one feels about oneself after the interaction. And that is dependent on how honest you are with yourself. Much as I would like there to be an easy guidance system my sense is that it is a journey of discovery of what is being co created between people, and getting clear about what is mine, theirs and ours.
I am not disagreeing with you in any way. And/But I strongly believe in paying attention to your intuition. I have met people who LITERALLY made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, or made me feel like THERE IS DANGER HERE. I think this is a thing we SHOULD NOT ignore. The people that I have had a Strong Danger reaction to, which did stay on the fringe of my life, due to them being someone else’s partner, friend, etc, did prove themselves to be dangerous people.
This is everything 🙏 I'm always trying to decide what a normal reaction is or a transference reaction. I had no modelling for normal reactions and how to respond to them and what action to take. Because of this I would always just leave but at one point I realised that I couldn't keep leaving. But then I have stayed too long because I have bypassed. The is most confusing for me. Just turned 50 and I still struggle with this now
❤❤❤ hello Terri Cole, it’s so wonderful seeing your face and hearing your voice, it’s been years, but I do want to reach back and just tell you thank you for helping me get through the most difficult knowledge of my life❤❤❤ I just coming to turns with what was really going on you the first one to turn that light on that I didn’t want to see after finding out who my husband was❤❤. But I had to follow the chain so that I could heal and I did just that but thank you so much Terry for all the work you do on enlightening people the public.❤❤❤
I am so glad my work could make a difference in your life 💕 Thank you for taking the time to let me know. Way to go for doing the difficult work to heal!
I do something you mentioned, I take it extremely personal when someone questions me. I have known that I was reacting to being doubted or questioned and I thought I knew why, but this video has me questioning the reason I do it. I get highly agitated and offended when someone questions something I just said. My instant reaction is to feel that they think I am stupid, I don’t know what I am talking about, and I just need to keep my mouth shut. I thought it was simply when I know I have said something correct I don’t like being made to feel stupid, period end of story. I never thought that it could be transference from a past experience. I am not sure where it could be coming from because I do not remember most of my childhood. The earliest I have deep, consistent memories is around 6th or 7th grade and older. Before that is just a random memory here and there. I do not recall anyone in my family ever telling me I was dumb or I did not know what I was talking about. I do not recall being treated like I was stupid. How can I figure out where my reaction is coming from when I truly cannot remember it happening in my past? I have a topic for my therapist already this week LOL, so I will make a note of this for our next visit. But any ideas would be helpful and I will start journaling about it before I see her again in two weeks. Thanks!
I think this is a great topic to explore with your therapist, who will likely have better ideas based on knowing your history 💕 Journaling about it is good, too. I have a video about defensiveness here, and inside the guide are some questions to figure out if defensiveness comes from the past: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-thPuQxYeWw0.html It's possible this didn't happen in your family of origin, and maybe happened with a teacher or a partner later on, too.
@@terri_cole Defensiveness!! That is the perfect word I was struggling to come up with as I was writing my original comment. Thank you for seeing through my comment to the true feeling/reaction I have. Journaling is one of the best tools that works for me! I try hard not to censor myself while I am writing. Even if I know I have written the same sentence already I still write it if that is where my heart and mind are taking me. I figure it must be important if I come back to the same thought a second time. I appreciate you Terri for being willing to share your gift to help those of us on our journey in life!
Thank you for being a safe maternal figure, although through the interwebs ❤ Could you talk more about not automatically assuming that other people have the same good qualities that we have? You’ve mentioned it in some of your videos and it has stuck with me, and lately I’ve been noticing how much I do that. And then I’m flabbergasted that other people don’t share my values or act like I would, although we share a religion which is such a hard thing to understand. Is this assumption some kind of transference too?
Of course, and thank you for being here ❤️ I'm so sorry you're experiencing that- positive projection can be rough 💕 I have a whole video about projecting here that might help: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE--PRDmXaKoM8.html
What can I do if I don't know the origination on my transference? I am having issues with my boss and I have never had this kind of issue before. He is always nasty to me and I feel really hated and disrespected. Anytime I try talking to him, he is accusing me of things I am not doing because he perceives it that way. I need any advice to move forward on this. Thank you and I love your advise Terri!
I'm having this problem too!! I feel so lost. There is a woman who is transferring towards me and she is getting violent. I've tried to be very kind and respectful but it seems to be making things worse! I have attracted people like this in the past so I know something is going on with me but I'm at a loss. Our kids are close friends and I have to see her at their school. Maybe Teri will see both of our comments 🤞🏼🤞🏼
I'm so sorry to hear that, Sue ❤️ I think I address this in the last bit of the video. It's possible a person is still actually being a jerk and it's not just a transference issue. The only thing you can focus on is your 50% of the interactions you have with your boss. Is it possible at all to try and get on the same page with him? "Hey, I feel like we're often out of step and like I'm not able to do my job as well as I'd like, and I would really appreciate it if we could figure out a way to move forward constructively." You can also gather evidence that you're doing things correctly and try to figure out why he's seeing it differently. (Without more context it's hard to know why he sees it that way.) I would do it very neutrally and even practice in a mirror beforehand. Dynamics with a boss are so tricky to work through, so I'm sending you strength! I would also still encourage you to ask the 3 Qs like I did to uncover that I was relating to my boss as though he was my father, just in case it gives you any insight. But it's normal to be annoyed if your boss is nasty toward you and accusing you of not doing things because he refuses to see it another way. It doesn't sound like you're having an outsized reaction, which is more indicative of a transference. I hope that helps ❤️
I'm trying to figure out why I've attracted this woman in my life who I have to deal with on a regular basis, who has transference towards me. And it's bad, she has even resorted to violence. I've tried to be kind and not set off her triggers. She is very passive aggressive and our kids are close friends. I feel so lost about what to do
I'm so sorry to hear that ❤️ Since you mentioned she's resorted to violence, do you feel feel comfortable leaving your child alone with her? Or is this more of a joint playdate situation? You could try grey rocking, where you stick to facts and don't bring emotions into the conversation. Basically, you communicate in a very professional/businesslike way. It can be very difficult, but the goal is to become as boring as possible in hopes of giving them nothing to react to. As for figuring out why you attracted her into your life, have you tried asking the 3 Qs I mentioned in the video? ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you for responding to me!! That is so kind of you to take the time! I am going to follow your advice and as for the play date thing, I've been strategically avoiding them 😬 I went back through the 3 Qs like you suggested and I've discovered I have a deathly fear of women (mom left, was an addict, etc.) I've decided to get into therapy and uncover what possible abuse I may be suppressing 🙏🏼
Can you say more about what you're asking about? I address the fact that some people may truly be mean at the end of the video at 17:38 in case that helps.
