"'Since I'm gonna fail, I might as well not try. At least I'll protect myself from the disappointment of hope.' That's what really happens in learned helplessness. Because you learn that hope and failing is painful. So we shoot for neutral, for numbness." - Dr. K. OUCH. That described how I was living my life for the last 11 years.
If you're in a dark room but you refuse to accept that it's dark, you will also refuse to turn on a light, because you "don't have to." Acceptance leads to change because it allows you to RESPOND to the situation rather than REACT to your feelings.
@@vivvy_0 wouldn’t that be the learned helplessness discussed in the video? Cause there’s an action you can take that’s in your power but your brain is like “yea it’s dark but the light switch is so far, so why bother” hopefully that’s the right thing from the video, but in the end I think it’s worth to turn on the light switch for the sake of the action
@@kahlilwashington8936 Moreover, you can accept the dark and so what are you going to do about it, if you like it then it's fine but if you want to see things you have to put on a light.
I have pretty bad learned helplessness. I can't see myself ever in a successful position in life. I can't see myself ever accomplishing anything in life and it's almost cringe to picture myself doing so. I have really bad self-esteem and no sense of agency. I have no confidence in myself to do anything, even simple tasks. I gave up on life and have apathy towards everything. My life is going terribly but I can't seem to care about what's happening to me. I don't take care of myself at all. If I do manage to accomplish anything, it doesn't make me feel better about myself. I have lots of self-loathing and I have suicidal thoughts just about every day.
Sounds like hell. I’ve been in my own mind’s version of hell at one point as well and, from human to human, I hope you find your way out. You deserve peace.
I cannot express to you how much I agree. I'm so sick of positivity culture saying 'give it time' and all those kind of buttery but ultimately shallow phrases. I know myself and I know that the ratio of failures when compared to my successes in my life is so astronimcailly imbalenced that you can literally make an evidence-based conclusion that i am an overwhelming fuck up and i should not be trusted ever. i have intense feelings of shame and i am struggling with sucidal ideation because i know life is just heading towards another string of painful, avoidable fuck ups. and you know what? i'm going to be right. i have mountains of evidence.
I've heard this exact thing from Dr. K dozens of times in dozens of videos and I still need to be reminded every time >__> (I do have success for a time but then I forget that nugget of wisdom and have to be reminded it's about doing the action for the sake of doing the action)
Bro I feel the same way I have to be reminded of all his sayings even though I’ve heard it all a million times but every single time it is helpful in whatever situation I am in
so just give it your all. start small. your thoughts will beat you up. but you will need to push thru if you can. take back control. AM I GETTING THIS RIGHT?
Samesies... it takes constant reminding. It's so easy to fall back into negative, habitual thought patterns unless I watch/ listen to stuff like this literally every day
I felt the same way, hang in there and remind yourself that - for these ideas to become your actions - your mind needs to experience putting them into play. It starts, like you said, with having to remind yourself many times and that’s ok :) The more you physically go through the action of putting the ideas into practice the more they get molded into your behavior. Soon you won’t even need to remind yourself with videos at all
I've done all three (1) maladaptive daydreaming, (2) thinking about the hopeless future, and (3) contrafactual thinking. Basically wasted 15 years doing nothing because of the trifecta of avoidance of the present combined with learned helplenessness. But never had the language to understand what was happening until I saw this video. It explains a lot.
I believe the self-helpnesses combined with the lack of any real intimacy/support from whether it be a mate, family, friend. And the fact that we try to form connections with others so we don't feel alone. Yet they don't really care or it doesn't go anywhere. It develops this hatred and coldness, the want to not feel. To feel neutral/numb by using substances as well as self isolation. This makes us addicted to the things that make us feel 'ok'. And to not want to interact with others due to the fear of failure or merely because you know it won't really go anywhere. It causes us to miss opportunities and much more. Its really a vicious cycle... This doesn't apply to everyone but its something I've been noticing overtime..
Yup! You nailed it dude. I feel like I really am progressing, but that's been me for the last decade or so... I am improving, but it's daunting and tedious. You explained that feeling very well. All the best to you.
this is me rn. that self isolation then leads to worse consequences/actions and / feelings idk. I guess one way to rise above that is to take small steps that will actually better my health and self. be it gym, or walking early in the morning where there's less people (to help with the anxiety) as you mentioned. When youre in an invalidating environment, when youre living with people that don't support you. You do feel an urge to set an incredible goal. But when you set that high goal, the day comes then you feel it's impossible to do or you struggle thru that goal, which then leads to more self doubt. (I mean I guess that's for me, people who do have mental illness struggles) As Dr K said, the aim should be the present. Take a small step today to better yourself today. yes that noise is going to come in like, shit , no im missing out, im missing out on what it means to be alive, im missing out on all the great shit I want to do and can do , but actually cant lmfao. But you Got to set that aside. Give yourself something to do today (be it walking or eating healthy).. tho the urge in me to change my life is strong, so I might move to an accom place, as the learned helplessness fades away when I feel like I am responsible for my life (usually when parents aren't with me) idk. lol. even I am so darn confused. confused on what to do. ughhhhhhhhhh the urge to get to my dreams is just really strong. its a strong ass desire and urge, which makes me forget all the little shmuzzle n stuff to do rn. what I can do to accelerate it tho is to perhaps to move to a shelter lol.. ? or do that to at least feel that what I am doing, even if it's small, is leading to making a change in my life / or getting to my goal in some way?? idk. oh you see my mind is overthinking again. :(
As someone with severe obssessive thoughts, I learned with theraphy that you can't trust your own mind and you can create feelings just thinking of them too much. That's very counterintuitive, but I benefited a lot gaining a degree of dissociation. When I can recognize that a thought is recurrent and has no reason to exist other than to stress me, I classify it as obssessive and do my best to ignore it. It's interesting because I've been a victim of gaslight in my early adolescence so I had to "trust my gut" I needed to believe my thoughts as they were all I had, so it was very hard to look for proof "in the real concrete world". The mind is something amazingly complicated. Thanks for your videos!
@@adelsahib3149 In the beggining it was super hard to tell which were obssessive thoughts and which were, you know, me. I mean, it's stuff happening in your mind, how is it not you? But obssessive thoughts are things that ususally freak me out but the nest day they are gone. Real life example: sometimes I can't sleep thinking that the building I live is gonna crash on me and I'm gonna die without saying goodbye to my family. It's so bad I sometimes cry myself to sleep, but the next day... I'm good. That's how I know it's not me, because it only happens on specific moments and I can't rationalize it, there's no origin or cause. If you feel something and the feeling doesn't go away the next day, if it has cause, if someone is making you feel like that, in my experience that is genuine, so you should not ignore it, becase that's how you feel.
Dissociation is not a bad thing. Think of it as an emotional fuse: when an electric current gets too strong, the fuse stops it by interrupting the circuit, and you can restart the current by replacing the fuse and solving the problem that caused to fuse to fire. When you dissociate, your brain is stopping your emotions from frying it.
" 'If I'm hopeless about the future it gives me a free pass from the present and I don't have to do anything right now.' You ever think about that?" 😅 You got me
For me at least, I tried to accept my negative emotion, specifically this feeling of powerlessness/hopelessness that I kept dealing with, to meditate and focus on it. But this immense feeling of powerlessness and helplessness was way too powerful, and it DID NOT go away just by focusing on it. It was no illusion. I fell back into coping for a few days. It turns out that it was all related to trauma back when I was 6 years old. Once I integrated that, all of the issues related to it melted away. The powerlessness/hopelessness relating to being unlikable and undesirable around people came from real experiences of being rejected, made fun of, and looked down on by peers at a very young age. It was so bad that literally being around any stranger in public made me feel lesser-than, barring a few exceptions like at work or online. These feelings tormented me for over 20 years and kept me from being able to talk to people casually or naturally when there is no obligation. I had an identity of being below other people (barring a few specific circumstances), and that I was hopeless and powerless for anyone to want to be friends with me. But I think I was eventually able to get to resolving that trauma because I tried to accept the emotion and face those feelings, and it eventually revealed what it really was (and then I integrated that part of me). Now I can be around people without feeling like my 6-year-old self. There are still issues, and I still have a lot of trauma, so it's not like life is perfect and all of my issues are magically cured, but it is definitely way better than it was before as that issue tormented me SO badly. So facing and accepting the negative emotions is ultimately a path to healing imo, but I wouldn't say all negative emotions are all illusions or an oasis in a desert. Because those experiences were real things that happened to me, and I had no other way of dealing with it at the time, and to say that those are just empty, rootless emotions is a disservice to my younger self who had no capacity to process such a difficult situation.
NOTES Learned helplessness = we lose belief in our own agency. We learn over time that there’s no way to win. We learn to give up very easily. If something doesn’t work right away, we learn to give up. Normally - when we face challenges, it is the natural human response to rise up to the challenge and learn how to beat it. But some people learn, over time, that there’s no way to win. Acceptance - if we accept what happens in life instead of trying to change it, how does that help? ACT = Acceptance and Commitment Theory Acceptance philosophy can lead to good clinical outcomes. It’s our attempts to resist the addiction that cause most problems. If we accept the addiction, paradoxically, that is what gives us the power to change it.
I think what makes acceptance difficult for many (also for me) is the notion of fatality - that something or some things they regret in the past have permanently deprived them of something they value so much that without it there is no meaning. Acceptance becomes the acceptance of lack of which they value to death. No sane person would accept that.
You are explaining ego death and it is actually very beneficial! Yes “you”, what you value, your concept of you-ness can DIE and it actually creates a lot of bliss. But! Be warned, as they say - to practice is zen is to walk a razor’s edge. So it’s a good idea to study such techniques in person with an experienced teacher rather than try it by yourself. Basically, a lot of people think monks who meditate all the time and accept everything must be sad and bored. But they are actually some of the happiest, engaged, most secure people I’ve ever met.
This is going to sound odd, but every time I feel helpless I go to your channel and by watching 10 minutes of any video I get a giant motivation boost which is super useful especially in weeks as such when I have tons of tests.
Acceptance allows reset, and reset is the solution for every problem. Accept the past, understand the present, and then try to turn off and on yourself to keep moving ahead with your life. :)
28:00 to the end of the video had me in tears Dr.K. I am typing through the tears haha. But Dr.K ... thank you man. I am going through the darkest time of my life where I feel devoid of all positive emotions. I'm struggling with learned helplessness. But, you gave me some encouragement I needed, and throughout this whole video; I knew what you said was true, I could just never articulate it myself.
It is interesting how others can relate with rewatching Dr. K’s videos tons of times and having to rewatch constantly due to forgetting. Recently been really burned out with the constant video watching though, as helpful as it is… managed to actually watch this one though. Dr. K always helps relieve my anxiety a bit.
something that helped me deal with this is by applying the little bit of information i remembered from the videos and "rediscovering" what dr k talks about through experience. For example: going to social gatherings for my friends because i remembered dr.k saying something about let go of expectation and experience life. When i hung out with my friends at public events, i slowly became more comfortable with myself and others, and understood what dr.k was trying to explain. Sometimes its better to apply the little information u know, rather than to bulk up on a lot of good information u don't end up using later anyways. unsolicited preaching is sometimes annoying so i apologize for that hope my bulk of words helps a little.
Really glad I found this video right now. I graduated with my bachelor’s in December and finding gap-year work has been frustrating and failure-mindset-inducing.
I dont have time to watch the full video, but could you elaborate on what dr k was saying here? Or perhaps link a timestamp? Would gladly appreciate it!
I used those exact words, today, relaying my helplessness to a friend...futile, what's the point, etc. I told him I was at a point on the fence I could fall on either side...give up and let things fall apart - or DO something about it. Intellectually, I understand this lecture, but the doing is hard. CPTSD really is taxing. Your AA analogy had me go into thoughts about church, and religion. Because isn't the gathering of people at church, and their teachings about how fallible we all are as humans kind of the same principle? We are sinners who make mistakes. But they teach to be accepting and to gain acceptance (through whatever deity). I'm not church-going but I'm now starting to understand some of the appeal. I used to think "hypocrites" about people who try to be 'holy' but I see they really aren't And that's ultimately how I view myself. I'm not redeemable. So it turns out I (we all) need that acceptance. I read that church is full not because they are holy. One doesn't go to the doctor unless they are sick. This analogy is also why Jordan Peterson has been fascinating to listen to as well. It's so interesting to ponder human behavior even in a theological sense and fascinating that it has been kind of a foundation to acceptance of life. And all the bad that can happen. There's still a lot of work ahead to change habits and that feels so difficult.
The thing that's really messing me up lately is more, 'idk what else I could possibly try.' I was willing to try so many things and I got thrown on my ass after each and every one, so now I'm just out of ideas.
That kind of sounds similar to my situation. But I think what's going on for me is that I'm using therapy as avoidance. I know me personally I'll go to all these different therapies, try what they say to do and then if it doesn't work right away I give up because the helplessness kicks in and I think "Why try if it might not work?" "am I going to suffer forever?" "Why is this happening to me?" and I would be really scared to try it again because I was afraid of wasting my time because I am suffering and want to get better right now. I think the goal for me now personally is to accept that I'm not going to get better right away and that the things I'm trying may not work for me and that it's ok for me to fail and try something else. I've got to give myself a chance to heal. If I don't I'll just keep on jumping from therapy to therapy until there's no where else to go. It seems that acceptance is key and trying to catch your avoidance behaviors and be aware when you are avoiding is one of the hardest parts. I know I will forget and then realize after the fact that I got caught in my self loathing thought loops, and then it's a battle of not beating myself up about making the mistake of falling for your minds traps. It's very difficult to be aware but I think when you start catching it and replacing it with "I accept that ..." or "I will catch myself next time" kinds of thoughts it helps change your thought patterns. They call that cognitive reframing. I'm still in the beginning fazes of this but I was able to do it for a little bit before and it helped a lot. It can be very difficult to be consistent but I would try to be as forgiving as you can be to yourself when you slip back to old thoughts because it is very difficult to decondition this helplessness loop. Good luck to anyone reading this who is struggling with these kinds of issues. You are much stronger than you realize and just the fact that you are on Dr. K's videos and reading comments trying to find ways to solve these problems shows your intelligence.
Dr. K, could you do a video on forgiving those who have manipulated you in the past or at least how to let go of the anger towards them? I've heard the saying that I'm only poisoning myself, but I know that already and I still struggle to let it go.
@@adamofblastworks1517 You're fine. There's a lot to it though. I'm not convinced that there's nothing I can do, and I feel like I'd be betraying myself if I just brushed it under the rug. Plus I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently in the past. I know Dr. K talked about that in the video, but there's value in going over your past mistakes so you can do better. Yes, there's sometimes emotional suffering that comes with that, but there's a part of me that really doesn't care. It wants revenge, no matter what. My problem is probably too deep for a youtube comment. Oh well.
Key takeaways: - you are not your thoughts, but your actions. You don't have to act according to them. 'me' really wanting to eat pizza vs my body wanting fast calories vs my mind/addictiln craving it are all different things. - to distance yourself from thoughts: notice them, accept them as they are, but realize you can choose to act differently - dwelling on the past, 'if only' -mentality takes lots of mental capacity. Mindset shift --> accept past and act better now - don't put introduce concept of time to changin your lifestyle. You can only not eat pizza now. It's not possible to quit it for a day, nor a month. Don't let the devil know in advance - accepting your addiction lets you gain control. Addiction can't fool you anymorr, because you realize because addiction can fool you and you can't control it in any way
As someone who cannot afford professional therapy, but desperately wants to continue what I started in therapy, I DEEPLY appreciate these videos. I'll watch them at work, at home. It feels like therapy homework, in the best way. Definitely hoping to get back into professional therapy, but this channel is a tremendous help in the mean time.
A co worker and I were joking around on the assembly line at work, seeing if we could make ourselves cry... lmao. She thought of an up coming anniversary of a lost relative, but for me nothing was working, which I thought was a little fucked up. I kept laughing and smiling, so I wondered why I was doing that and realized instead of feeling any sort of sadness what I was doing was before I got close I'd begin picturing the scenario of me trying to cry at work and the comedy behind that. Which then made me realize that this pattern has completely taken over my way of life. I imagine everything and base my actions off my interpretation of my emotional response to the imagination v.s. doing the thing, and experiencing the action. An example would be hanging out with a friend, I'll impulsively imagine how that would be in, using gas, car might break down, they'll be selfish, I'd be more comfortable at home... or getting my car fixed, they're going to over charge me, they won't listen, etc.. and then I never do it. Working out, I'll feel uncomfortable and probably won't make gains, etcetera. And this jaded vicious cycle has almost put me into a choke hold for years under the disguise of light hearted mindfulness, which it once was... I think.. lol. Anyway it worked and I almost burst out on the line before my co worker was like, 😬, no no no!!! Lol, then this video came out, keen to watch and explore this.
14:08 that was my question drk thank you for answering it , I literally started crying after your hamburger example, it felt for a second that I'm actually normal, I hope you would talk about this topic more in the future
"Life is not a solo player game." This motivates me to ask for help when I feel helpless. I need to give people to opportunity to reject my request, to find the ones that accept. Thank you, Dr. K.🖤
Your videos are so refreshingly good. So many of them have landed for me and this video was just so spot on. Instead of giving cheap, lame 4 steps to overcome learned helplessness your videos actually help. Thank you
i also highly recommend journaling. when you write it down, thoughts transfer to words and it gives a sense of control and awareness to you. it makes you acknowledge the position you are currently in. in the end you will reach this moment of "ok. i get it. this is me. now what should i do?". the rest will come soon, friend.
I've followed online therapy last year based on ACT and mindfulness and it was extremely useful to me. The first 1,5 month I was still skeptical and that changed slowly after I noticed some differences in myself. Just after the therapy stopped, my relationship broke up and I needed to find a better paying job asap. It has been a very stressful period and yet I've done better these past months then I did the 2,5 year before that. I truly think the therapy helped tremendously with this. I like that I've still got the documentation from the online course that accompanied the therapy and my answers that I can still look at. They recommend to regularly repeat parts so you keep training and working with the skills you learned. It's so practical. I love the parts about how to detach from our thoughts.
Bro I’m 23 years old and I can resonate this video so much. The reason why I resonate this so much is I dwell on past choices. Dwelling on past mistakes causes prolific worry and anxiety of my future because I believe the wrong decisions I’ve made in the past messed up my future. I feel utterly hopeless about my future
I feel like you often describe the problems pretty well but I’m still always left feeling confused about how to solve them. You talk about acceptance but how? I can’t accept anything. I hate myself, I hate society, I hate that I have to get up every day and do things I don’t want to do. I hate reality, period. I’ve watched this video twice now over the last week and I still have no idea how to accept anything. Right now I feel like if this is how life is, I just don’t even want to live. Everything is so hard. Everything is pain. I’m 28 and it seems like I haven’t matured a day past 15. I feel like I never signed up for all this and it just seems so unfair. I look at “responsible” adults and I’m absolutely dumbfounded. I can’t fathom how anyone could get up and go to work 5 days a week for the rest of their lives. It’s so wrong and immoral to ever ask someone to do that. Yet, every single person in our society is expected to just sit at a desk (or whatever) and WASTE away the vast majority of their lives enriching some CEO, all for the PRIVILEGE of a roof over their heads. By the time the weekend rolls around most people are too tired to do anything anyway. I’m feeling particularly depressed today but I’ve always felt this way as long as I can remember. How can I accept anything when I hate everything about the world we live in? And now I’m completely stuck. I’ve got a mortgage, 20k in student loans for a degree I didn’t finish, credit card debt… not to mention I’ve been a polysubstance addict since I was 15 because the only way I can feel comfortable in my own skin is if I’m on a bunch of drugs. I have a million things I need to do to get my life on track and every single one of them seems impossibly difficult and I just hate it. I hate that my entire existence has been mostly pain since the day I was born. I’m still not sure how accepting any of this is going to help me or the first step to even try. Sorry I’m having a really bad day today. Thanks to anyone who cared enough to read it.
Acceptance and hatred aren't mutually exclusive, as far as I understand. As in, you can accept the fact that you hate something. If you refuse to accept this fact, then it might have just been a fleeting thought or feeling that did not truly mean much to you. If you do accept it, then you can use it to fuel action, either in actively working against the thing you hate or by trying to feel less hate towards that thing. In the case of self-hatred, it's often easier to do the former (self-sabotage, passivity, addictions, unhealthy distractions, etc). In the case of hating the place or whole system in which you're employed, it's easier to simply express that hatred outwardly (as is the case of your comment) rather than take action to improve the system or, at the least, your current work environment. I should be clear that I mean no offense to you or your situation. I also have been struggling to understand what acceptance means or feels like to people who are able to both truly mean it and use it to drive actions with positive outcomes rather than negative ones. It seems to me that it is being conscious about your every decision in the present moment. How do you put that into action when it feels monumentally difficult to even take first step: accepting the situation? I suppose you just have to keep trying. And failing. But sometimes you don't fail. And then comes what people call a "good habit" which is making the first step not a conscious decision anymore, but a subconscious one. So even if you begin by lying to yourself saying you accept yourself and your situation, if it ends up developing a good habit where you no longer have to think about making the conscious effort, then you forget that you were lying to yourself in the first place. So maybe you do need to fake it until you make it, at least to get your foot in the door. I can say that this method has worked for me so far, but when things get in the way of the habit (emergencies, injuries, moving places, 'life happening'), having to return to the conscious decision to start again becomes arguably more difficult. This is, again, just my understanding so far.
Omfg this video is amazing, bro was spitting facts all over the place, is hard for someone with this problems to recognize all this stuff and resume it this way, this really gave me chills and sense of betterment thank you for this dr k I love you I hope I can apply what I have just learned further in my life
For the last sentence, life is not a solo player game, what if I am really really really good at soloing? what if I have less hardships and obstacles alone? what if I actually am improving and getting my life together, advancing in my career and just generally feeling good like this? I always feel like im wrong for liking being alone. (not lonely, I do see family and have 1 great friend which is the best, I just love minimal drama and upkeep/maintenance im bad at having many friends)
If I use social media, it triggers all kinds of unwanted thoughts. But that’s my only place for social connection so far, being disabled & stuck at home. Even using support groups on FB is like a huge competition with strangers. It’s structured like middle school for adults with certain sick people getting all the interactions. I feel sick that this is my only “community” option. It used to be simple and happy on Facebook when it was just a few friends. Now it’s about having a massive audience & thousands of followers and magazine worthy photo spreads. I feel like a failure now and every time I login. I stopped using it and now have zero communication with friends. I would have to chase them all down separately and I’m currently sick with chronic illness, severely. I feel better without it because I have to pretend my life is amazing and act fake or inspirational, or broadcasting sensationalist details of my life to have any interaction on social media. I have to chase people almost daily keeping up with their minutiae, to keep friends or get likes back. The whole system has me depressed out of my mind being homebound.
social media sucks, if you can make connections on there and slowly take them out of there (like 1-1 messaging, WhatsApp, texting, video call) that might be the best thing for you to do. I don't know if you've seen Doctor K's recent video with RU-vidr called ironmouse but she's also homebound, and she found a way to make connections through streaming. really empathise with you and I hope you can find a way around this.
I know how you feel. I quit social media (with the sole exception of youtube, I guess) probably about a decade ago, and I definitely feel much better. As you also noted, noticing how much desire it fuels to compete through social peacocking was an eye-opener. That's a good decision. My only advice for avoiding loneliness is actually to get to a place where you're ok with being by yourself, and even enjoying it again. I remember what it was like as a kid just playing with my toys in my room, wholly content to be with my imagination, and I try to use that feeling as a guide, and try to bring a certain level of playfulness to anything I do. This helps in learning to just enjoy the moment again. Personally, this has been exceedingly difficult because I have ADHD/anxiety and OCD, so unwanted thoughts mess with my vibe a lot, but that makes it all the more imperative to learn to enjoy my weird fucked up mind again, as that's also a source of my creativity. Also, not to be rude or harsh, but do you know your FB friends in real life, or are they exclusively online? Cause I just text or talk with my IRL friends on discord if we can't meet in person. If they are IRL friends, ask them to come hang out. Even if they don't, you'll find out who your real friends are either way. It can be hard, but part of healing is also cutting off the dead weight, and I've had to move on from people that were holding me back or that I sunk a lot of time and effort into with no reciprocity. Last suggestion, if you're so inclined (aren't easily addicted) and can afford it is...try an MMO? From my experience, people in games with good communities are extremely welcoming, and they share a lot of naturally overlapping interests. I even made a few friends I would talk to outside of game, though we've since drifted apart since we live in different places, which is the danger of relying on this. And that brings me back to being content with yourself is priority #1. Sorry for the essay, and full disclaimer, I may or may not respond if you do. This is also not medical advice, yada-yada lol. Cheers, good luck and all the best!
I completely feel you. I quit fb a long time ago and quit IG about 6 months ago because it just makes me hate myself. I feel better, but my social circle has shrunk to just a few close friends. We text and call to keep in touch rather than liking each other's posts. That said, I am a member of a private forum for people with my mental health condition. It's part of a paid support group/recovery program. It's been a GREAT way for me to make connections with people online that doesn't feel comparative or performative. Highly recommend if you can find something similar.
thank you all. so many great ideas and unexpected replies. I’ve been so sick and made myself sicker from crying getting to this point, I realize I might be in a medical crisis over it bc I can’t eat or sleep feeling so hated online as no one will speak to me anymore. maybe I will get a like. I usually don’t want to use groups to speak to strangers / although this is heartwarming here. RU-vid comments are not something I’ve done much. I just felt so alone & fights kept starting on my last active FB group after so much trolling & harassment in other groups. I am so grateful for these ideas. I can’t reply more individually now but it helps me see I’m not alone. If I express this on those platforms I of course only get zombie likes and no conversation. It’s probably weird I voice my struggle with FB/IG on those sites anyway to other die hard users. A paid site is a great idea if I can find one. And enjoying solitude is a must! I do! I’m so afraid for my future bc I’m at my sickest right now facing major surgeries - craniotomy and more horrible stuff - no support at all anymore online or IRL except for paid or volunteer caregiver types. It’s my worst nightmare but people just stop speaking to you and other sick people are also sick so they can’t take up the slack left by fake friends and unsupportive family. I’m grateful for your unexpected and wonderful ideas and responses. Now I’m crying with gratitude!
I might just be spewing nonsense here at 3 AM, but forget about facebook, get on discord. Search for some servers that might be of interest, and connect to a more open community with less toxicity and no ads.
I used to misunderstand acceptance. I thought it meant doing nothing but deluding yourself to be happy about it. What I understand now is acceptance has nothing to do with being happy about anything. It means no more and no less than akknowledging that something is true.
Acceptance is what helped me grow up from some shitty moments in my life and in all type of situation, were it not pushing an exam, or even having confessed to someone I loved, getting rejected and still keeping them as friends, that's one of the things that changed my life, accepting that they didnt like me back but still staying allowed me to be more honest with them and not expect anything that I wouldnt get. Acceptance was also knowing that a certain place was bad for me and I had to leave, and when I finally decided to do so it was A reset and then I became a new, free person with a new catalogue to choose from what I wanted to do with my life and my time, it was accepting that maybe a certain carreer wasnt my thing or maybe I wasnt ready for that, but that maybe in the future I Will feel ready for another carreer or even rethink about what that one I left really meant and how I may be more ready. Life is not the bad choices or the mistakes we made, there's more to experience beyond those. And now I just realized that you mentioned exactly this situation of staying with someone even after rejection cuz it was mutual it was the reassurement of knowing we were loved by each other even if it wasnt in a romanticway cuz we accepted each other with the good and bad things, even with our anxiety, and we were each other's first person to come to when we needed quality company and I cannot describe how good it is to have a friend of such kind, cuz you grow up together, you learn together when things like this happen
I'm programming on some private project while listening to you. While you were talking about helplessness, I lost the hope, that what I'm doing will lead anywhere, so I now have an excuse to play video games. :P
I wish I had someone like y0u to learn from when I was so much younger Dr K. Now in late 30s with so many issues to work through, it feels never ending (I am working on it though!). Thank you so much for your brilliant explanations, and helping me change my life.
I feel helpless because it seems like my big problems are completely out of my control. it's not my behaviors, it's my circumstances that are causing my misery and I'm powerless to fix it.
20:00 I'm a law student here in the Philippines and this advice is kinda helpful since my grades are usually low and I'm kinda bothered by it. I wanted to be a good lawyer but my grades aren't that high which gives me the notion that I might turn out to be another lawyer stuck at the bottom and has nothing to be proud of. Hearing this advice gives me another Idea on how I should tackle the next school year's challenges.
Excatlly what i needed , i was avoiding my emotions , but i was aware that i am not felling my emotions , and with this clip , i finally feel , i feel like these clips comes straight for me , like they are made for the problem i am dealing with. It feels good that Dr.K talks about this topic.
nihilism isn't really giving up. it's the acceptance that true meaning doesn't exist. that meaning is subjective, yet still possible. stoicism and nihilism both accept a truth. simply different truths with different paths to "enlightenment"
From my experience, Learned Helplessness can evolve into Acceptance. Sometimes, if you can't get something despite how much you try, you were just not meant to have it, at least not as you are now. See it as a way of God (or fate, or whatever you believe in) lowkey telling you to pursue another path, usually off the beaten path.
That path was the only thing I've found interest in for a career starting point. I don't mean a specific job, I mean that "anything involving any of these various skills or concepts that I find at least some enjoyment and success in." All other broad "paths" have not seemed to be worthwhile, for the long term. Maybe I'm *supposed* to work at a call center for the rest of my life.
Helplessness- There is no hope because I fricked up in the past. What's the point of doing it again Acceptance- I fricked up in the past, there is a chance I may frick up again, but I am going to do it anyways. Besides, I accepted that there is hope that I will succeed
Hi! I love the content, but I have one criticism. I feel like sometimes the titles of the videos are a bit vague and could be more nuanced. I think being a little more specific would make it somewhat easier to navigate the videos according to need. I watch almost all your stuff, so personally it doesn't affect me as much, I just thought it might be a helpful improvement for people looking for solutions to specific issues. Thanks for your consideration, keep up the great work
I come from an abusive family and have CPTSD. All the stuff he said was spot on. Feeling hopeless about the future that even if I try my hardest probably won't be good enough and still fail. Interesting that all my family would tell me I just have to do this or that to undo a lifetime of abuse, neglect, and trauma, because none of them would ever admit or accept that maybe they weren't always in absolute control of their own lives. They refuse to accept that certain parts of their lives are beyond their control, and in doing so, never do anything about it.
This is basically the essence of Stoic principle that Epictetus teaches in Enchiridion. The problem is, as Dr.K says, its incredibly difficult to commit yourself to it consistently
I sort of have two perspectives. in one way, my brain is saying take the big risks, because you get to see what youre capable of etc. but in dr k point view, yes because those big goals are there, you then feel discouraged to take the small ones, well for me the desire of those big goals are so huge that what im doing rn feels nothing in comparison to that, or is nothing aligned with my goal which is moving and living in the city (or feels that way). I can take small steps, but for me the FOMO, fear of not living my life is huge, which then creates an urge for me to go for my desires. But with that, I do have social anxiety and bpd, being aware of that... im not sure if getting the big goals, will actually work out or not. Last time I went, I felt ok'ish but in the end felt crap. Then that created more self doubt for me and made me think , "I am incapable of anything, I cant do this" which then leads to more frustration, n going psycho lol (undesirable consequences, like self harm , breaking things). maybe I should really tell myself to do small things, but the brain in my head is freaking out and is like wtf, what about living your life?!?! that desire is so strong that im like I have to get it. lol. in way, it feels like doing the small stuff, is not really me living the kind of life I want. btw, I also live with toxic parents, so that makes sense why, regardless. I notice that when theyre gone I even feel better doing the small things. idkkkkkk :S
I’m starting to understand my problems and addictions through this ‘learned helplessness’ that DR. K mentioned. This is becoming extra clear; and some of that I felt as a called out from my peers are starting to make sense, yet I am able to accept them and gave them a benefit of the doubt while being present in my problems for experimentations. The issues for the things that I can work on that is within my control; while also understanding that thinking about the grand scheme of things often times gets sneaky and makes working on my problems extra hard and potentially makes me want to give up early. Understanding this is a game changer in making the small steps for change. Also very helpful that my understanding towards ‘detachment’ starting to be reframed! Especially understanding the word in the yogic sense, and now being aware of the ‘learned helplessness’, and I was seeing myself into an apathetic for a very long time in the past which I am feeling sad about it now. After several reminders and practices, now I understand ‘detachment’ better that, “detachment is not that I don’t own nothing, but detachment is that nothing owns me”, Knowing that forms an understanding for me around ‘detachment’ which makes me aware of how powerful ‘detachment’ actually is; that in ‘detachment’ to the memoirs of the past, and the fruition of the future; the ‘act’ for the sake of ‘action’ is already a present on its own.
Okayy I guess I have to accept "I am powerless in the face of my obsessive thoughts" I don't really know how that is going to help me because thoughts are in you head, it's not like alcohol, and I still think that If I figure it out the right way I'll find new information that will stop the anxiety. Like watching this video for example. This is really tricky isn't it?
You videos helped me so much throught my journey, thank you very much for sharing these precious pieces of information and for helping the people in need.
The way I'd word the difference between acceptance and learned hopelessness: Acceptance is about understanding your shortcomings, and thus letting go of insecurites related to those shortcomings. Learned hopelessness on the other hand is about giving in to those insecurites.
Notes: counterfactual thinking: going back in time to rewrite history-thinking about a past that did not happen. Mind focused on the past and hypothesizing a different set of outcomes when struggling in the present: "if only I had studied more." This obviously hits pretty close to home; I feel like I'm consistently thinking in this fashion. Instead of figuring out a plan, the brain devotes cognitive and problem-solving energy goes into rewriting the past, which is obviously impossible. Acceptance takes issues from the past and lets it go-accept where you are now. Sit in the present and look forward to the future positively; learned helplessness makes assumptions about the future that makes you not act today. This highlights the differences. Accepting problems and the present allows you to ask "where do I go from here? What can I do now? What is the first step I can take?" Learned Helplessness is a strategy to avoid pain through avoiding effort: since I'm going to fail, I might as well not try to protect myself from the disappointment of hope. "Shooting for numbness." Difference between apathy and detachment: apathy is a learned helplessness; I don't care, there's no point in trying. Detachment isn't not caring, it's accepting that things are out of your control. > "Detachment isn't about not enjoying life or being numb, it's about letting go of the outcomes of your actions and actually fully devoting yourself to the action itself." Rationalizing isn't being in the present; emotion is fueling rationalization that minimizes the emotion. Being in the present sits with uncomfortable emotions. Avoidance/rationalizing. Maladaptive daydreaming - excessive daydreaming that interferes with the present. Giving up on the future is a pass to avoid bothering with the present. Your mind, then, is able to be totally fine in the present. Learned Helplessness buys you total absolution from all responsibilities today. If you can do something, maybe the situation is your fault. And if you can do something, maybe you need to work your ass off, but you don't want that or for it to be your fault, so you can lean into helplessness and then play video games all day with your addictive mind. Thinking of big, difficult tasks invites "time" into consideration, which your brain identifies as hard and unlikely. You could eat healthy today, no problem. Thinking about dieting for ten months is hard, and if you can't do that, why bother eating healthy today? If you imagine the outcome-a fit physique-that is difficult, that is a large task, which opens up your mind to thoughts like "that's too hard. Don't bother." When the dimension of time enters, you are screwed.
I think I've mastered trying to archieve things with the little energy and motivation that comes from helpelesness. I don't expect anything and still manage to function. Am I miserable? Yes. But at least I'm getting shit done
"When you give someone the opportunity to reject you, you also give them the opportunity to accept you"... except there's only so many times someone gets rejected until they don't want to try anymore.
You know, I've wanted to write several books and I've always been like omg nobody is going to like it, it's not going to get published, I'm not a good writer, I'm not J.K. Rowling or George R. R. Martin, etc. (Sorry this part is a bit of ramble. Excuse my errors I just woke up LOL.) My inner circle of friends and co workers have always said i should be a writer and that I write good shit but I've always repeated the above. Recently when taking a creative writing class there were a few assignments that you do a writers workshop, basically forcing you to put your work out there (just a few pages!) for others to read and critique. And in mine one person commented and compared it to Terry Brooks (specifically the Shannara Chronicles) and it was like something snapped in my head, I was able to detach. Now I have a new struggle of just sitting down and continuing to write lol but now when those thoughts come into my head I just tell myself that's not important, someone somewhere is going to like it, and it's what I want to do and what I like to do so I'm going to do it. Being able to detach from the negative thoughts I mentioned above has been extremely freeing.
Intellectually I understand what you are saying about acceptance and learned helplessness. But how do I actually detach from those thoughts? When those thoughts actually come I often don't even notice until afterwards, they're just so natural and normal they've been around for so long that it just feels like part of who I am, that there is nothing I can do in any situation so why bother. An overwhelming blanket of apathy to the point that it's even like why bother fighting those thoughts even, ill never be able to overcome them anyway.
But .... you are doing something! (°-°) You're noticing them afterwards. There you go. You've walked the first step! You don't even need to notice every time. You can start every 3rd time. And you're on the way. From there, the next step is to slowly increase your ability to notice when they come and what they are. JUST that!! This is important. Don't hurt yourself by adding on expectations that noticing equals intervention. :'D No, no! You learn to notice first. And that's actually gonna do a great deal already. When you're there, I suggest you come in to ask your next question about your next step. As Dr. K said, the result is not what you aim for. You aim for the next step in the process. Imagine forest all around. The "result" is not "that trail of smoke faaaaaaaaaaaaar away all over on that other mountain top". The result equals a star (constellation). That is, because you need them for orientation to determine what direction to walk towards and to reduce your "walking in cycles". And let's not pretend that you can't go all the way up to the stars. Cause people are doing it. Personally, or via telescope observation or video games etc. etc.. People have already found ways to do it! many many ways! Why should you not manage something this normal? :3 Pick your star constellation, figure out it's location relative to the sun, if you walk during the day. Walk your forest. If you manage your daily energy, your steps, your water supplies, then your chances of "never arriving anywhere" are almost 0. ;D That's why the walking is your job, not the arriving. Cause how are you to know what destination is actually the best for you (in conparison to what you thought may be "good to aim at"). What do you know about the usability of those intrusive thoughts? Did you ever give it a thought, that there's something about them that leads you somewhere? Even slowly moving yourself past the stage of "being them" is you, aquiring skills that you may need to have for your own future. Wishing you good navigation. Do not exhaust yourself walking. If you notice a "thought storm", take shelter and allow yourself to wait it out. If there's damage to your cargo, allow yourself to attent to it before you move on. Allow yourself to have the time to pick up the trash your produce on the way, simply you're bound to produce some, as you, too, exist in the human condition. Your walk is not supposed to look like "survival". You wanna make it as much about thriving as possible, cause it could be a long walk (or maybe you walk for 10 days to find that surprisingly, you've already walked much further than you were able to assume, from where you stood before).
You said that you could be detached from going on a date and said that there are other fish in the sea or that you can see friends. I don’t have the social skills to find other people to date and I don’t have any friends to hang out with. I have mental health issues so for me I just detach myself by saying that I feel very hurt and that I feel like I can’t connect to people and that I feel like I will never find the support I need. I let myself feel those emotions while detached and after those emotions pass, I’m usually able to work out what I can do next to help myself. I have become a lot more detatched recently so now I cry all the time and it feels good. I feel like I am finally living my life. Like yeah, I have detatched but that doesn’t change the fact that I have almost no one to connect with causing me to feel very sad often. Ever since I have become detached, I have been so much more happy. I have cried myself to sleep because of how lonely I am but also feel a sense of bliss in it. It’s like how you are really happy but feel miserable but just the other way around. I’m not fully detached but I have been slowly becoming more and more detached so my life has slowly become more and more blissful. I find it so confusing that I can feel good while crying myself to sleep. That’s what detachment is like though
