Why You Keep Ending Up With Partners Who Make You Feel Ashamed 

This channel has changed my life🥹grateful for you!

Thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom. I love this quote: "You cannot control who you attract, but you can control who you entertain." 💗

Oh Anna, another masterpiece. Thank you so much for all that you give out to us damaged people. I'm 62 and I'm learning so much from you in spite of having done Decades of my own therapy. If I had had these tools decades before I might not be alone right now. Love you love you love you

With the first letter, it’s also telling that he did not respect her ‘no’. He kept pushing & pushing until she folded & that is the opposite of someone who is capable of respecting someone else. Pushing can start to feel flattering bc here is this person who is super persistent but if they are super persistent at the expense of your boundaries, chances are they are not going to respect you once you remove your boundaries at the expense of self-protection. It is so hard & so heartbreaking to come to terms with the fact that it is impossible to be loved in a situation where romance was only fostered through self-abandonment while thinking it was ‘taking a leap of faith.’ The self betrayal can be crippling.

When the stars and planets align right, anyday now, my real love will show up! This is the perspective of traumatized people and it's so sad. I remember how i used to hide under the coffee table and tell my mom I was waiting for my real dad to come. She laughed about it but looking back it was a desperate cry for love from me.

i hate it that she felt like she wasn't "being fair" to "give him a chance" because he was "a nice guy." it's sad that she didn't trust her own feelings of attraction and interest. what a jerk he was.

I feel that if you said no, and he pursued anyway, that's a boundary violation.

I’ve worked in finance my entire career and the number of people who think their money allows them to mistreat people is astounding. They are always shocked when you show them you can’t be bought.

This is a great video but I'm still laughing at the guy being like "I'm a good guy! Ring my boss!" Imagine ringing someone's employer like "_____ was violent during sex and called me names but swears thats not who he is. Does he normally do that to you??" 😂

Dear Anna, i see parts of my previous life in each letter in your videos, it breaks my heart for the writers and gives me hope at the same time. Im getting up in years and have a bit of hope for my future. Thank you so much for all you do!

Anna, this episode was really SO GOOD! I loved how you went through each person's story, and I saw myself in bits and pieces of each one. 2 things you said really struck a chord with me, and I wrote them down: "DATING IS A WAY TO LET INFORMATION COME TO YOU". Yes! I might add that this goes for friend relationships, as well. Observe the person as you are in the beginning stages of getting to know them. Watch carefully and you will gather all the information you need. "WE'RE ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE WHO MATCH WHAT WE FEEL ABOUT OURSELVES". Another resounding Yes! Whenever I look back on abusive relationships, I remember the almost instantaneous attraction I felt when I first met them. When I feel that now, I have to question myself, "What is it that I'm really attracted to here? Am I attracted to admirable and good qualities in them, or does their demeanor remind me of previous abusers"? I am so grateful that I found your channel a while back, Anna! You are helping me to every day let go a little bit more of the trauma bonds I've had with people who CANNOT and WILL NOT love me. It's not about me, it's about THEM and their incapacity for love. And I am learning more and more about the effect my CPTSD has had on my life, and ways to calm my nervous system in healthy ways.

I've just recently discovered you! What a discovery! Finally I don't feel like a weirdo.❤

Anna speaks in a way that makes sense to help people ‘feel’ to make the best decisions, a therapist doesn’t express like this, they tend to talk indirectly expecting the client to tune in and make the correct decision but traumatize people usually can’t read in between the lines.

It’s all about treating someone with dignity and respect, whether you are romantically interested or not.

That guy seems like a narraisst. He doesn't deserve her at all, and also, men are hunters. The right one will find her one day, but for now, she just needs to focus on herself. Put God first he will always provide as well 🙏. Am on this journey 🙏 focusing on me 😊 healing etc

I really have limerance! I find myself in a tragic limerance cycle again. This one is so painful because even though I love him, he wants to be 'friends'. I think he looks at himself as a savior to disadvantaged poorer people. There was a recent church Christmas party and he brought a beautiful younger woman and, again I cried and stressed over it. I can't help but feel how important he is to me. There's always a story from him about how women adore him and his sexual attraction to them. It almost kills me! I find myself just waiting for him to call and my world is so narrow. I recently ignored his calls and went through a PTSD flashback and couldn't calm down. I'm pretty old to keep going through this. I'm so sad because I'm always trying to get him to love me any way I can. Short of sexual involvement with him. I'm trying to get some medicine to help me with painful flashbacks. I do a lot of writing lately as per Anna's teaching . I feel so desperate and vulnerable to acting like a jackass again. I'm still doing no contact but we both go to the same places and I stopped going. I don't know what to do again. very hard

This is such an excellent compilation ty! Looking back can be so embarrassing but i just wanna throw in the comments that as long as we keep truckin, this all does get better... and more *enjoyable* omg this was like going down Memory Lane 😅 I totally agree with the like, just letting pl go thing... for someone thats prone to limerance it's been really hard to keep from over explaining right, if you could just make people see, it'll change them and you for the better! Ugh... thanks again Fairy!!❤

Hey, Soul Sisters! (And brothers and non binary CPTSD 2:28:17 soul family members ! Good job seeking out ways to video and even considering there might be a path toward healing. NICE WORK 🙌🙌

I so wish I could have seen your videos earlier in my life. I had a diagnosed bi- polar mother and a co dependent Father. It wasn't always bad but when it was it was very brutal. I have never known what was wrong with me. Have had so many problems. I just want to say thank you for what you do. It has helped me so much!

God I so needed this. Limerence has been the bain of my existence the last several years but this has been the first year (2023) that I've had it for two different people and finally had to start asking myself what the hell is wrong. The first person I successfully just cut it off and didn't look back because it became obvious they were too toxic for any sort of relationship and they were unavailable anyway. I was SO proud of myself. But almost immediately I fell for another person when I changed jobs despite trying pretty hard not to get romantically involved with anyone for a while. Unfortunately they really seemed to have feelings for me too, yet they were totally unavailable and I kept telling myself that. Now that person is no longer at the job and I've been struggling like crazy this last month to just move on and accept that nothing would have come of it anyway.

This has helped me so much. No contact has helped me, I totally recommend it for anyone going through situations like this. I appreciate your videos.

I appreciate hearing her say: don’t think about them, don’t talk about them when you are trying to move on. Not all people believe this but we do have the ability to change our thinking. I like the practice of having positive/ different/ productive thoughts to use instead when these people do pop up in our minds. It really does work for me!!

Yes Patti, I care how you feel. Obviously, he doesn’t. Two strikes, you don’t need a third. He doesn’t deserve the”time of day” from you. Certainly not any conversation at all if you run into him. He doesn’t deserve any warmth or kindness from you at all no matter what he says. Don’t give him the chance to say anything to you. You have no obligation to say anything at all to him.

Ana, I wanted to ask you to please do a video addressing something related to intuition and instincts that I want to share. It can be with any letter that you think fits the pattern. We talk a lot about not taking bread crumbs and not investing in people that don't invest in us, which i think is very true and very important, but I have a different pattern that I believe is very damaging to me and that for some reason it's not really talked about. I have trouble trying to find someone to address it in a way that can provide some guidance and comfort, to see it clearly, and I would love it so much if you could help people like me out. I am sure a lot of people are in this but they likely feel shame to present it as "a problem," so it may seem less common. The pattern I am talking about is when your intuition tells you that you don't want to be with someone, but then you keep coming back to them because they "treat you nicely" and "are in love with you." I start to feel guilty when I want to walk away, feeling ungrateful, feeling like I am mean for having accepted so much from someone only to discard them, overriding my intuition which screams that I am unhappy, so I grow depressed. and despite telling myself the obvious, to leave again, i keep doubting myself. This in itself can waist years, and I am not talking about a man that I am initially super into and then lose interest once he is interested -- I am talking about not having been that attracted in the first place (or not at ALL) but allowing to get close, thinking I can control distance, only to get attached, fully involved, and have a very hard time pulling away, overcome with self doubt, guilt, and anxiety. I don't think this is avoidant attachment per se. I feel complete depression when I am with the guy, and then total anxiety when trying to leave, punctuated by periods of lucidity when I feel great about my decision. I have been able to leave 3 relationships that fell into this pattern, with much much struggle (the first one took over 8 years with a much older man), never regretting that I left when in retrospect.. But find that I am still many years later falling into this pattern, and right now struggling to leave one that has been on and off for 1.5 years. Fairy-- if you could address this type of pattern, this would be amazing. Your wisdom and clarity in explaining things is very much appreciated.

I love the letter writers.

Patty from the first story with that guy who enjoyed the "cat and mouse " game- YOU ARE A F**KING BOSS FOR GETTING YOUR DIGNITY BACK AND TELLING THAT MAN THE TRUTH!!!!!! It was SO real, well articulated, and the dosage he needed that hopefully will teach him to think twice about being a a**hole. I am so glad you did that for yourself. It sounds like you regained some self-esteem and confidence to me- your effort from therapy definitely did pay off. Be proud girl 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Wow! So much carnage and sacrifice of the already broken. Such a horrible cycle of unhappiness 😢 With my experiences of childhood abuse and trauma, this video is so validating. I have had 20 years of therapy, for a various diagnoses, chronic depression, general anxiety, PTSD and ADHD, from the VA, hence CPTSD, I had an eating disorder and add HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) I was that Sensitive Child. My nickname at home was “woowoo” like boohoo, because I cried all the time. I remember being spanked and thinking, why would someone who says they love me hit me, or when my heartless father, as punishment, would have us stand and put our noses in the corner for a specific period of time. I specifically remember crying, because I wanted my father to love me, but he said, you’re still crying, more time is added, which further exacerbated the hurt of my father enjoying watching me in great distress. I would stand there for hours. He would say, you’re still crying, more time is added. All I wanted was my father to love me and comfort me, while I was in grave distress. I basically wore myself out crying, realizing that I wasn’t going to get what I need from my father. Such a traumatic experience 😥 To this day, I still cry out of frustration, when being treated or judged unfairly or accused of something I didn’t do, and I can’t convince otherwise. I say all that, to say, With all the therapy, forgiving my father, which has disowned and abandoned us, finding acceptance and closure. Self-loving, self-advocating, etc. I found myself still settling for guys that treated me disrespectfully. I was trauma bonding, I realize now. I have finally made the connection, because of you, is to listen to my instincts. There is a reason I left, but went back, that vicious trauma bonding cycle. If I “flight” the first time, that is my mind saying, run! How empowering that is to realize. I finally know how to break that cycle of attracting, settling for less than, and giving then going back. Always learning, always evolving. Thank you for sharing these letters. I heard the repeated cycle, in each story, that I was doing myself, as well as the 90 day no intimacy boundary. 🙏🏻 Thank you for sharing. You’re an amazing woman, and we are blessed to have so much insight, based on your own personal experiences, and gifting forward you knowledge and wisdom 🙏🏻🥰🙏🏻 I will be taking you relationships course, as I also attract friends that are toxic, but is my norm… Thank you 🙏🏻

My relationship life s Sturt's Gibber Desert. Endless sharp rocks and the Inland Taipan (the world's deadliest snake). 48 years since the abuser left. And a mother bereft of maternal instinct. But I'm slowly doing the DP and videos I've got off Anna when my depression gets out of my way Only 6 months of knowing l had this 💩 happen to me.

We teach people how to treat us. Been there

I’ve watched a few times. I have limerence and it’s a real struggle. I like this man and when I learned this last week he is interested in a mother woman I freaked. I don’t want anymore limerent issues. I see him weekly at my 12 step group. I’m worried and unsure how to conduct myself. I’m trying to let go. I just want to be healthy and “normal”.

Thank you Anna for teaching me that wanting the unavailable is in fact a fetish. This was my mother's fetish which she taught to me.

I actually totally understand Angie not being ok with a bb dad who is flakey, toxic, dishonest in relationships, walked away from his first kid, and uses his new gf (who cheated with him on her when her son was small) to parent. He doesn’t sound like he will be a great role model for their son. She definitely chose that though. Not in the beginning, but she knew who he was by the time she ASKED him to get her pregnant. She knew he had just had a baby with someone else and was a serial cheater. If it makes her feel better, I highly doubt he is being faithful to the new gf. So instead of focusing on how they are living “the dream life she should have had” (the dream life only because it doesn’t really exist!) she should see their break-up as a BLESSING. She now gets the chance to heal, which she could never have done in that relationship, and to study, work, move up, get her own HEALTHY relationship and her own place. She gets the chance to become the model parent he may never be. Also, on why they never went to court, I am guessing it is because she wanted to keep control over visitation and he wanted to avoid paying child support, but I agree this volitile situation is not good for their son.

Yes, her childhood patterns reflected on her choices in men. Her mom modeled the same behaviors. Thus, she ended up doing the same things and making similar mistakes. But she asks "why me"?

The guy who would chase the woman in the letter, is there a chance he has an "avoidant" attachment. In a way, fear of intimacy.

And for Lisa, if he has done it with you, he'll do it to you. I could tell you right now, as a former addict myself, he more than likely will not be faithful to you. Addicts have a tendency to linger in relationships that were unattainable at the time we were at our worst. It's hard to explain but we have this tendency to win, if that makes sense, even when we know it's not what we want anymore. I feel for all of you guys, but please don't think that you're something unique or special to him just because he had an affair with you. I'm sorry to say that like that. Hope it all works out.

Trust your intuition!

Sadly, I grew up like this, except my illegitimate sister and I grew up in the same house as the Brown/legitimate kids. My mother is a narcissist, my step dad couldn't show love but was ok to me. My mother hated that he even liked me. I am just now separating from a 20 year off again on again narcissistic relationship. I've done lots of work on myself including watching your invaluable channel. I have Chronic fatigue syndrome from the years of abuse so my S.S. isn't enough to afford to live on my own. I must look for a roommate, which scares me, and try to attract a healthy partner when the time is right. We move to Panama, Central America 2 years ago to escape MAGAts in Southern AZ. I'm so comfortable living here, except for the narcissistic relationship I brought with me. Thank you for helping all of us with CPTSD.

Thanks again for your contribution honesty and great cheering. I really like your considerate compassionate styles I'll be keeping in tune.

Wonderful video, as always. I take exception, though, to your seemingly less than approving attitude to one facet of this woman's story, and I'm puzzled: Why should she/would she be expected to have the slightest 'empathy' or concern for the feelings of her former husband's fiancée?? Or him, for that matter? I know I wouldn't. But then, I wouldn't show up to an ex-husband's-/boyfriend's dad's funeral, or any other event (wedding, etc.) related to him or his family, either. Once it's over, it's dead and buried...zero contact or interest of any sort. One theme I love in several of your videos is that you are a proponent of not staying friends w/ex's. What am I missing in your post-letter anaysis here? Love your videos❤

I needed to watch this video, thank you for giving me vision ❤

You look lovely. Glad you are happy and managed to overcome your obstacles and find love. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.

Red flags. Having CPTSD makes us justify and then ignore the signs due to our low self-worth. Looking for true love doesn't mean we need to lower our standards and be treated as second class. Loving yourself, cliché, is definitely the most important feeling we must nurture.

I think a person with Cptsd is particularly susceptible to the surface good manners of the upper class. The tendency is to compare yourself unfavorably, to even feel unclean, physically and mentally. You may feel uncouth, unsophisticated, uneducated. Never date above your economic class. It can never work. I know this from my own experience, as well as that of others I've known.

I did exactly what she did. He was an average guy who I wasnt attracted to him. I convinced myself I was...and then I got treatment for depression.

This country health care is so messed up that someone would choose to marry someone in order to be eligible for health care….. don’t all citizens deserve health care?

How do you move on from a narcissist who you have children with, who you know is no good for you but have the tendency to want to take him back for the sake of our kids.

I can’t express how much your videos have helped me over the last couple of weeks. ❤❤❤

Sometimes we see possibilities to heal past trauma but just because we see it as a perfect opportunity, we could be wrong. It can make it worse :( But! It can help us at least get closure in a way.

Thank you for what you said about SLAA. I’m learning so much about healthy relationships with others and myself.

No CRAP FIT!!!

"Ain't doodley"😂

You are god sent. Thank you for being a voice of reason and wisdom. Your work is so important and needed. You are amazing. Much love.

Whoa! Well "Pattys'" just hit so many nerves!!! Yikes! Patty thank you so much for writing your letter & Anna your "breakdown" is 🎯💯! Thank you both!

Thank you Anna .. Thank you so much 🙏🏼

Good

Well done to the lady who left 👏 🎉😊

This is one hot and caring lady. Hopefully the right person finds and compliments her.

I don’t think he was autistic. I think he was a sociopath. He knew to respond to certain things and not others. I think he did it on purpose for control. He sounds exactly like my ex whom was diagnosed. He would say he didn’t understand certain things and then smile. It’s to break you. It’s awful.

The last guy sounds like a narcissist. They can sometimes come across as neurodivergent because they purposely don't react to your needs to make you feel dependent on them. The way he "forgot" to hug and kiss her? Ugh

this place really gives me life xoxoxoxo

If it's bumble and if she unmatched, the message will not be seen. it's the same with many dating apps. if you unmatch someone, all the chat disappears from the screen of both parties.

Thank you!!! 🥹

This dude is a narcissist!!!

Definitely listen Patty. She's right. Sorry you got hurt again. Hope things get better.

I found a female Albert😂😅 😢😢

Hey would it be ok if you write down the affirmation prayer that you say at the end of the fears and resentment technique ? X

Boundaries issues?

What’s koda or coda?

🧡

👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

😢

I’m so happy that you identified where she was making errors and misinterpreting the signs. A lot of women blame the guy when they are being clear who they are by their words and actions. I’m a female and I see this all the time with my girlfriends… it’s really frustrating and to be honest, they usually don’t care to hear the truth from their friend so then as the friend I just shut down and want to block the person complaining. If you date and are confused by a guy take that as the earliest sign and save your girlfriends the headache of having to listen to you dissect each and every action, word, and text. Women need to be more accountable and responsible for how they engage and stop painting themselves as the victim that was duped by the big bad guy. Yes, it does happen… but when you trauma dump on your friend and then constantly complain and dump on your friend guy after guy, you are not being a good friend.

17:12 while it may be true that her instincts were good in this specific case, that she wasn't attracted... that, in and of itself, does not mean that he is not a "nice guy." I am a genuinely "nice guy" in search of a person who is nice in return. Nice people are not necessarily "damaged goods." Some consider us unicorns, but we exist in abundance. We might be good people who've repeatedly been hurt very, very badly, yet still hopeful to find that someone who gets us. I take issue with the term "nice guy." You see it as a warning sign, justification to be defensive... a cause to reject a person like me. . Inauthentic narcs might like to mimic us and I get that 99% might be disingenuous. Maybe we pursue the wrong type of person.. the kind of person who would automatically reject a person like me- the kind of person who would wipe your shoes on my hope. Maybe I'm attracted to "damaged goods" but I'm a person, too. And I have feelings that brought me to your channel only to feel rejected once again, as it's been all my life, simply because >>...you...

"This guy i thought was ugly in college isn't intrested in me now that he's a doctor" Hmmmm 🤔

I loved the pandemic. I was already isolating myself, didnt have a job, everyone i talked to was virtual to begin with, i was getting free money & finally gained healthy weight as someone who barely ate before the pandemic. One thing i never understood is why everyone kept thinking a *global pandemic* would be over in a few months. Logistically it makes no sense, i knew itd take at least 2 or 3 + years for everyone to have a chance to come into contact with it before things died down... so where did that assumption come from?