Full stop when she said he stopped contributing financially! *That's a NO for me!* You have three kids, if he does not want to support them, he needs to get out! I'm not trying to work things out with a bum! My ex-husband, between jobs, hustled to do handyman work and day jobs to bring money home!
And even after our divorce, he's here every weekend to see our kids and I NEVER have to ask for child support! Marriage does not always work but do not have kids or live with a bum!!
The saddest and scariest day of my life was one year ago this week when I prepared myself to tell my wife of 30 years, “I don’t think this is working. I think we need to be done. I don’t think I am the right person for you.” I intentionally did not offer an ultimatum or tell her that I wanted to be done. She burst into tears, gave me a huge hug and said that I was her world and that there is no perfect person for anyone. All three of her actions were completely inconsistent with our first three decades. One year later I am grateful for my very wife and marriage. I think we have learned to show grace towards each other. I think that helped both of us invest in our relationship. And, I am proud of myself that I had the courage to ask a very scary question and that I had the wisdom to not do it in an attacking, ultimatum manner.
I'm proud of you to. But honestly alot(not all) of wives respond to husband needing them to improve negative behavior. When a wife brings this before a husband he does not usually respond favorably is my experience and what I have seen. It takes a patient humble man to hear his wife.
Why should there even be an ultimatum? I wouldn’t speak anymore, and I would be getting a whole plan, legal, help, and a very good counselor. And when everything’s already he would be served.
My husband refused to go on antidepressants and he was miserable and mean nonstop criticizing.. I told him if he didn’t go and get help after the boys were grown that I would leave. After the boys left the home I stayed and begged him to go to therapy and go on meds. He refused and cursed me out. One night he came home to a delicious steak dinner and after I cleaned the kitchen I went and packed my suitcase and left. I told him that I was not coming home until he took action. He did.
So you let the man act in a way you claim is inappropriate for you kids ENTIRE upbringing before you actually did anything that would make things better? Or give him the choice to at least? Do you dislike your children to such a degree that you believe they deserved to be trapped and brought up by a man like that? For him to Be the example of what an adult is supposed to look like for them? That's horrible lady. You wanna know the one thing you had your kids never had? A choice. You just didn't want to deal with it or be judged or 1000 other pathetic excuses. So you just kept letting him treat you (and most definitely your kids)in a way you now all of a sudden "don't deserve"? "Can't handle"? I sincerely hope you recognize how selfish of a thing you did to those poor kids if your husband was anywhere near as bad as you said in his mental illness. Smh.....
Why not do this when your boys were there? Your boys will probably have many issues now and worse may go repeat these actions and the cycle in their own relationship because they'll believe they have to stay and suffer or their parents has to stay and suffer.
@@alexl.9602 thank you! I wrote something similar pointing out how selfish this woman was and that it could have had life changing consequences on her kids. But I guess someone deleted it, because it sure isn't here now. Weird........
Wow! You two are so cool to sit back in whatever part of the world you are in and attack this lady and second guess what she should have done in her marriage after the fact. So helpful.
@@tracymullane8818 I'm from the USA. And I'm not the one who put my selfish life choices on RU-vid for others to critique. She goes out of her way to mention how horrible her husband was, then immediately followed with "once the kids are gone". So she willing admits that she kept her children in an environment that she herself doesn't want to be in. Probably because it was the easiest way to go at the time. At least I'm making a valid point. More than I can say for yourself "in whatever part of the world you are in "
@RachelDavies-wn7ir Oh shit...I didn't even think about that being the case. If you're correct, then he most definitely will become physically abusive. Not that all men/women who take steroids get physically abusive, but they do all get aggressive, and have trouble controlling their tempers.
I think she needs to put hidden cameras in the house. She is not safe, he could quite literally kill her. She should start the divorce proceedings and if he wants to win his family back, he could try during the process and she could stop the divorce if she really thinks he's changed. She is not safe, neither are the kids
@@cule2160 you are right but the rules still apply now because a lot of things haven’t changed especially men’s opinion on childcare-if as a man you don’t like it then don’t have children
@@cule2160 doesn’t matter, the social rules still apply and based off what she said he was pulling even 49% of the shared burden financially and even less in the homemaker realm-
@@cur244 only so many hours in a day and the children’s needs will always come first. If the husband wants more from his wife personally he shouldn’t let everything else inside the house fall under her responsibility. Being a family is being part of a team. Would you say the same to the husband who stopped being anything and retreated into himself after having children?
Wait. Stop. Did she say he uses the kids to tattle on her? Did i hear that correctly? On top of being berated in locked rooms? Please stay separated, and dont meet your husband in any private spaces. I truly believe you're in an abusive relationship. God will give you all the strength you need to save yourself and your children. Be strong and ask for help as often as you need.
This escalated quickly. 😢 I have so much empathy for her, but she needs to leave before he gets worse, hurts her and their kids, and gives the kids trauma for life (if not already). He seems without a purpose. If he’s not working and doing nothing really, he may feel insecure and jealous over her career and success.
Ohh Marie, sweetheart I'm so so sorry fore all the stress you and your children are going through. Please protect yourself and your children first. I wish fore the bedst fore you and the children. Big hugs from Denmark 🌹💝🥰
Her husband has no clue what a gem of a woman he’s married to. He needs to move out & get professional help. It will take longer then 30 days but this lady can handle it-she already is. God Bless her & her 3 babies. Get him out of your house now.
Abandonment issues, anger outburts and him not remembering the next day? John, the guy is dissociating. This sounds like male BPD to me. My ex had exactly the same and would dissociate during his verbal abuse outbursts and genuinely not remember the next day. It is him being at the border to stress induced psychosis. It can be dangerous.
I think you could well have hit the nail right on the head with that comment, or it could be something very similar that causes disassociation. I guess it's possible that something going on in his life has just pushed him over the edge, and now all these behaviour issues are suddenly becoming very obvious. She 100% needs to get out or get him to leave ASAP, until they find out what's causing this. Blacking out could have some serious repercussions if he has little to no control!
Also, remember that this is a podcast for relationship issues and it represents a specific “market.” Someone who is in a happy and fulfilling partnership is not going to call in for advice.
A lot of these people who call in ignored red flags when they were dating. If you start dating someone and they prove themselves to be a person of good and true character, and they continue to prove that to you time and time again, then I think you can believe them.
this is a HUGE problem. especially coming from the church, people don’t know what qualifies as “abuse”. people in the church don’t know when they’re justified in leaving an abusive relationship because they don’t call it “abuse”.
Sounds like the husband is struggling. He does need help if they are to resurrect their relationship. He has his side of the story, but that level of anger comes from somewhere. If he wont get help, there’s nothing left in the relationship. Sounds like she’d be able and willing to sup[port him, but he has to help himself. Couples therapy isn’t quite what’s right just now. Both should go to individual therapy and then maybe couples therapy.
I’ll never understand why counsellors do not stop therapy if they realize one person is abusive and has power over the other. Couples therapy never works with an abusive partner.
This hit home. I’ve been married for 32 years to a man I love very much. However, he has cheated on me several times and recently I found out he was in an emotional affair with a coworker. We have four amazing children and the last one moves out in August. I’ve been with my husband since I was 19 and don’t know what to do! He is a good provider and is otherwise good to me. It’s just this one thing but it’s the worst thing. I don’t know if I should stay where I’m financially secure, especially in the world we are living in now, or take the leap and end up broke working 3 jobs. It is definitely different when you are in it. He is in counseling and says he wants to be a better person but I know I’ll never trust him again. I just want peace.
her top priority should be to make sure he doesn’t do something to her or her kids, it’s not her job to prevent him from killing himself when he has been so abusive
@@blueseptember2174ultimatum is “IF .. THEN” . If you ask kindly and made a decision based on his response or indifference, then it’s not an ultimatum.
As others have pointed out, that’s an ultimatum. That being said, those are supposed to be used conservatively. Deal-breakers only. I don’t know of anyone who can “lay down the law” in their relationships and have them survive when it’s “wants” they believe are “needs”. I had a friend who “needed” to be in constant contact with whomever she was dating at the time. Every time she issued an ultimatum about that, the guy never fulfilled it (can’t blame him). She overplayed her hand, believing her “needs” were the only important ones in the relationship. I think that’s where women, in particular, get in trouble. This caller is a different deal, SHE has every right to issue an ultimatum bc this is physical and emotional safety, but too often those things get conflated with “I only feel safe if you call me 57 times a day, I NEED IT”, LOL
Dr John, I think you missed something on this call. She is trying to be the leader of the marriage and he believes that he should be the leader, causing the disfunction in their marriage. She wants him to be the leader on her terms only and she won't give up control. She needs a submission man or a man that is very dominant and he needs a woman that will let him lead and reach his potential. Just my thoughts.
There isn't a human on the planet for whom I would try to change who I am. They either love me as I am or they need to go. And, I will never be in a position where my finances are harmed if they do.
@@Ryan-wx1bi Perfection is an idiotic target. I am good enough for someone who finds me good enough. I am not expending effort on someone who might eventually find me worthy. The next one is only a few weeks away.
Don’t care how long I’ve been married if my husband abused me in any way, I’m outta there. I got too much respect for myself. Can’t understand women who make excuses for being abused.
This is affecting your kids too, Marie. I hope you get help and he needs to leave for now. If not, it will affect your kids for a very long time. God bless you and your kids.
When she said he was not contributing money i would be looking at what he spends his money on or with who, also suddenly working out changing appearance, distancing himself from his family sounds like classic midlife crisis and or hes having an affair
He hates his marriage and his wife, but feels stuck and that he will be hurt financially if it ends. An eyeopener for all women in this situation is to offer a divorce with zero alimony, an even split of marital property, ignoring each other's retirement accounts, split child custody with no child support; and see what their response is. The deal must be presented in writing and already signed. If he wants to stay, he is really in it; most are gonna take the out and be much happier.
The entire point of marriage from the woman’s side is to parasitize a man’s hard work and resources, then take as much as they can when it ends. You’re living in a fairy tale world where a woman will be fair and equitable in divorce. It will never happen.
Except it's his kids too and his responsibility too. Also split of marital property and assets is just. It would be legally, but foremost morally, unjust to do otherwise. Why do think he gets to walk out of a _shared_ life as if nothing happened? Especially, if he's the one contributing to the dissolution of marital bond. He's then culpabile for the damages, especially to the kids. Kids have a moral, ethical, right to have a stable father, and he's not that.
@@joane24 And she did not provide the feminine to the household. I don't want him to get out of child support or the children's lives. Read it again. I want him to be an equal parent and have the kids half of the time. Because he is parenting equally, he should owe no child support. Eventually we will get beyond the idea of women acting like men; perhaps then marriage can be fulfilling again. Until that time, I recommend that men only marry women that have reverted by choice. If you cannot find one, DO NOT get married.
@@diggernash1 First, you have no proof she didn't provide the 'feminine' part, whatever that supposed to be in your dictionary. Second, he's still THE FATHER and THE HUSBAND. So he's culpable for his share of responsibility, period. And judging from that call, the wife does whatever she can to contribute and trying to save the marriage, it's he who checked out and isn't really trying to better the situation, in fact he's spiraling down. So if there's a dissolution of the marriage, that would be on him. Other than these facts, sounds like you're projecting something.
@@diggernash1he’s not working or taking care of his kids, he’s not acting masculine…how is she even able to be feminine when all the responsibilities are resting on her shoulders only. You men can’t take accountability for anything
If he's always on his phone and he's just started working out good chances are he's seeing someone else or he's trying to get in shape and he's on the dating sites LOL he's probably acting this way trying to get her to leave him that way he doesn't look like the bad guy if he leaves her with the kids just a thought either way it seems like it's not a good marriage or relationship
I thought that at first but does that make sense for him to stop going to the gym? Women don’t like men who aren’t taking care of themselves physically! It just seems like he’s become disconnected and maybe some trauma has resurfaced now that the kids are getting older!
@flashthecorgi2053 it's not really him going to the gym it's mainly him neglecting his wife and family and the verbal abuse towards her that's the problem
Here’s my guess. He’s jealous and resentful of the attention the kids are getting from her. And checking out is a passive aggressive way of sticking it to her.
I can only imagine how hard this must be for this poor woman, but once she started crying and sniffing and slurring her words through the call I had a really hard time finishing. I'm not trying to imply she reacted inappropriately in any way, it's just hard to listen to it for such a large percentage of the call
@@createone100 I understand that and that's why I specifically said she wasn't doing/saying anything inappropriate. I personally just have a hard time being in the presence of grown adults balling like a baby. Red eyes, snot bubbles popping, the short quick breaths. Something about it just compels me do what ever to make it stop lol But i also understand that if it were me in her moccasins, I might react in the exact same way
@@lindatannock yes. Seriously. Not everyone is comfortable with over the top displays of emotion to total strangers. Oh but I forgot. You come from the age of "believe what I believe or your evil/bad/racist etc!" Right? If you bothered to read the replies you would have seen I repeatedly stated that it was a personal thing, not something she did wrong. But I bet you didn't get that far before you were off and typing out your virtue signal, did you? Keeping it real classy over there I see 😂
I think John is onto something with her ignoring him with her busy schedule. He probably tried to reach out to her on a number of occasions and she shut him down and so like most men in a no win scenerio he withdrew, and now that she's created a situation for detachment she is making him alone responsible for the failure of their marriage so she can divorce him and claim victimhood at the same time. Classic woman playbook.
I stayed for a while because i loved him and i didnt recognize this new Mr Hyde behavior. He was amazing for the first year. Year 2, it started but just a little . It slowly escalates and you look around like where is my sweetheart, my buddy, what happened? You think talking to them is going to work, because this isnt who they really are right? Then you find IT! "It" being a hidden addiction of guilt and shame(drugs, alcohol, texting other women, adultery, chronic p@rn use, gambling etc. AlWAYS one of those). See they were taking that out on you all along leading to the abuse. Then you finally realize, you have to go. But it took a while.
Or lack of money, or fear, or societies expectations, or just being so beaten down psychologically that you think it's normal and you probably deserve it.
*If you need to issue an ultimatum, just leave and save yourself the headaches, issues.* I’d personally prefer someone to leave me abruptly instead of trying to coerce or guilt trip me into doing something I’m not doing on my own accord. It would come off as me being fake or insincere if I’m not naturally do it on my own will. That’s just me though, everyone is different.
Real simple he suspects she did something while she was “so busy at work” and he checked out to avoid conflict and she seems to be flipping on him berating him and he flips out she kept saying he was accusing her constantly there’s a reason he’s pissed because he sniffed something out and she might have stopped it before it was revealed and now he’s going crazy and she’s gaslighting him and it makes him more mad
A lot of there people who call in are under an alias for protection reasons. They normally change name and location on this show just to keep anonymity. 😊
Bro idk about this one. She’s keeping a pretty detailed and admittedly exaggerated list… she’s sounds like she’s already out. That’s fine, but don’t play this game where you pretend your partner is just spiraling in their own accord.
Pretend your partner is spiraling? Exaggerated list? She’s already out? It didn’t seem like that to me at ALL. If anything she’s still holding on to hope that everything will be alright again if only she says the right thing to her husband. Dude, everything about this call screams abuse. This woman might not be safe anymore in her own home.
Male Caller: Hey John, my wife is lazy and unmotivated, she got fat, and she's verbally abusive to me and sometimes the kids. John: Sounds like she's depressed, bro. You need to pay for her therapy, love her more, do more for her, be there for her, and work through this together. Are you having an affair? Female Caller: Hey John, my husband is lazy and unmotivated, he got fat, and he's verbally abusive to me and sometimes the kids. John: What you need RIGHT NOW is a physical separation, your situation sounds very dangerous to me. What a total dirtbag, get out of there. It never fails.
This was WAY more than just he stopped working out. This is he is becoming abusive. Accusing her and cussing her out in front of the kids. This is different. None of this has to do with weight which is why Delony didn’t bring that up! Also, he stopped working out isn’t just a complaint of “he’s getting fat” it is he’s just overall loosing motivation. Because she continued on with he’s no longer contributing financially and is always on his phone so he’s overall disconnected. You’re the one who’s wanting the man to be the victim here when Dr. John is focused on the real issue of the escalating behavior this guy is showing.
probably because spousal murder statistics show 81% of victims are wives murdered by their husbands whereas 17% are husbands murdered by their wives (US family violence Bureau of Justice Statistics)
@@flashthecorgi2053are you even paying attention? He does the exact same thing with lazy, angry, verbally abusive wives. They are always “overwhelmed”, they need a break, and the man isn’t doing enough to help. Every time. Have you ever listened to the show before?
Just what in the hell are these women who call in are looking for. Perfection? Life isnt and never will be a disney movie. Where did all these fairytales come from.
@@ClaireGreen-wd2gm honestly ma'am I don't believe everything a woman says. Majority is probably sensationalism. Maybe he is maybe he isn't. Maybe she should be vetted him better. And it's been 12 years so she must not have had too big a problem with it.
@@Rcp6368 ma'am again this is the real world if you go through life expecting to babied and handled with kid gloves your in for a rude awakening. Hell in this day and age speaking the truth is considered abuse.
@@futurefunk88eddins96 Sir this is 2024. Women make their own money. You can't expect to be man babies and still have her support you. Men make themselves actually worthless.
