5 conversation skills that enhance your rational brain | Irshad Manji

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Here’s how to end an angry conflict in 8 minutes, with @IrshadManjiTV.
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Educator Irshad Manji emphasizes that diversity is a fact of life, and it should be harnessed to unite society rather than divide it. Recognizing that humans tend to react defensively to opposing views, she offers five key skills to promote constructive conversations.
These include 1) taking deep breaths to facilitate rational thinking, 2) intentionally establishing common ground, 3) genuinely inquiring about the other person's perspective, 4) actively listening to learn rather than to win, and 5) encouraging further dialogue by asking "Tell me more."
Adopting these skills can lead to healthier outcomes in contentious conversations and foster collaboration. Ultimately, an individual's ability to engage in productive discussions depends on their motivation. It is essential to reflect on one's intentions, choosing between a genuine desire to solve problems or a need to assert moral superiority. Only by making the right choice can we hope to harness the power of diversity for the greater good.
0:00 Our defensive brains
1:52 How ‘slam dunking’ backfires
3:05 The 5-part toolkit
3:27 Skill #1: Breathe deeply (give your brain oxygen)
4:06 Skill #2: Create common ground
4:40 Skill #3: Ask a sincere question
5:16 Skill #4: Listen to learn
6:15 Skill #5: “Tell me more”
7:31 The most uncomfortable question
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About Irshad Manji:
In Arabic, Irshad means “guidance.” My mission: to teach a critical mass of people the skills of moral courage - doing the right thing in the face of our fears.
This mission has been a life-long journey. Growing up in a violent household, I made a commitment to use my education for good. That meant thinking for myself.
At my Islamic school, I challenged dogma and got expelled at age 14. Later, studying Islam on my own, I made a truly surprising discovery: It’s possible to reconcile faith with freedom. That discovery led me to write two internationally best-selling books about reforming Islam.
I recently launched my latest book, Don’t Label Me, about how to heal the Us-versus-Them divisions that are ripping apart America and much of the world.
In all that I am and all that I do, I stand for the responsibility to ask questions - and the right to do so, free from fear.
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15 май 2024

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Комментарии : 380

@bigthink Год назад

Do you think we can learn to have more productive conversations?

@rjung_ch Год назад

After these five steps it will be possible.

@dextro2090 Год назад

Yes!, but not with this disparity of forces in which we live in... You cannot trade when there is an algorithm created to make you angry. Unlocking your phone means immersing yourself in a vortex of emotions created to keep you glued to it. But especially we can not negotiate, if the defense of a point of view, is the only thing that separates us from starving in the street!

@weishenmejames Год назад

Absolutely

@andrewchrist437 Год назад

not sure I know what a productive conversation is. I have lots of ideas about thinking and learning though.

@NathanRennard Год назад

Entering a conversation with the intent to learn, point 4 "Listen to Learn", is probably the most essential part of healthy and productive conversatioins.

@DonaldAMisc Год назад

"A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." 🙌

@Outlier-db8sq Год назад

I dont understand

@jordanfranck Год назад

@@Outlier-db8sq i.e. If you try to force someone to change their mind it will only reinforce their beliefs even further

@Outlier-db8sq Год назад

@@jordanfranck ah so the solution is to enter the argument with the willingness to have ur mind changed by the other person.

@killjacket12 Год назад

EXACTLY. Neither the person you argue with OR yourself always have it by the right end. Be open for change and you might change people’s minds, or take on a new stance on the matter.

@Wild4lon Год назад

But a woman isn't.

@gamingmuscle6715 Год назад

"Seek first to understand, then to be Understood" - Dr. Stephen Covey. Sweet Dr. Covey, may he rest in peace, I think he'd be deeply saddened to see how many millions of people never got his message. We need minds like his more than ever before. People like Prof. Manji and this channel give me hope.

@camelliacity53 Год назад

I think the prayer of St. Francis said this a few hundred years ago. The thought is firmly rooted ❤

@ncedwards1234 Год назад

*billions

@DonaldAMisc Год назад

"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" is one of my all-time favorite books! I wish more people these days knew about it! 😅

@BibekTamang-zu2ij Год назад

I got the message tq

@j3ffn4v4rr0 11 месяцев назад

That was always my favorite of the "7 Habits"......it's very similar to Jordan Peterson's "Assume the other person knows something you don't" from his 12 Rules for Life.

@Mr.PeabodyTheSkeptic Год назад

I'm liberal. My best friend is a conservative and works for the US Border Patrol. We talk politics at times. The CBP was in the news with a viral picture of what appeared to be agents 'roping' immigrants. My friend was upset that ALL liberals think CBP agents were Nazis. I said, ' You have known me since we were toddlers. I'm a liberal. Do you believe I think you're a nazi?' Completely disarmed him. We had a cordial conversation the rest of the phone call.

@hungrymusicwolf Год назад

Then I'd like to know why the majority of left leaning outlets stay in business while painting CBP agents as Nazis? If the majority don't think they are, then I'd assume they'd be shocked and outraged enough at such a despicable claim people are Nazis that aren't to not support those outlets any longer. Yet they seem to only get extremer, so why?

@axMf3qTI Год назад

Yeah they are fascists, cops are. ACAB

@fyrusgrey5153 Год назад

@vancepham1743 You know this how? Have you ever met one? Let alone multiple?

@erenyeeagah204 Год назад

this 2 party system makes people way to tribal

@johnnyearp52 Год назад

I am generally a liberal but I would never call myself a progressive.

@anaxagoras23 Год назад

The video begin here: 3:27 Skill #1: Breathe deeply (give your brain oxygen) 4:06 Skill #2: Create common ground 4:40 Skill #3: Ask a sincere question 5:16 Skill #4: Listen to learn 6:15 Skill #5: “Tell me more”

@geomarketingpartner 2 месяца назад

@SearchOfSelf Год назад

My dad is constantly on alert and ready to protect himself, even in situations that don't call for it. Trying to have a conversation with someone like that can be almost impossible😿

@syedamominayahya2481 Год назад

Going through the same thing!!

@SearchOfSelf Год назад

@@syedamominayahya2481 I'm sorry to hear that. It can be really tough to deal with. I hope you find a way to make things a bit easier. This won't help much but just let me say that you're not alone in this ♥

@syedamominayahya2481 Год назад

@@SearchOfSelf so good to hear that:) you seem to be a kind person. May Allah guide you

@SearchOfSelf Год назад

@@hellothere98765 Thank you for your kind words. It's been hard, but I'm hopeful that things will get better. I'm doing my best to help him find ways to cope and have a better quality of life for all of us.

@tuhinasarkar9957 Год назад

Yes. I can relate to you. My mother is the same. She will never listen even,no matter how much skill you apply or how calmly you speak. She always defends herself and says she is always right. There are people in this world,to whom no amount of skill really work,no amount of understanding really make them to listen others. I tried many times to have sincere conversation with her,but I failed more badly and so I have left talking to her even. I can feel your side an struggles with your dad,as I have struggling a lot too in this same situation since a huge time. I know how it feels at times,but I hope you will change your approach someday. What i feel now days that there's a line between coping up and leaving someone in their way ,so you have to decide which part is actually more applicable. The problem is we always want to see people through our eyes,but sometimes we need to see them as they are.

@test40323 Год назад

"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." Mark Twain.

@ReynaSingh Год назад

The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them.- Thomas Crum

@Novastar.SaberCombat Год назад

Sadly, I can't think of one person I've met over the past 30+ years who has ever been able to handle conflict in a constructive, logical manner. Instead, they scream, yell, lie, gaslight, and go absolutely BONKERS until finally... they force themselves to rage quit. Unfortunately, those kinds of narcissists usually cause as much collateral damage as they can during their self-destruction. It's that "if I can't win, then EVERYONE will suffer" mentality. Also, these people are even *rewarded* for such behavior. 💪😎✌️ It is what it is.

@limi. Год назад

@@Novastar.SaberCombat You can't even put yourself in the list ? 😂 The fact that you haven't met a single individual like that is concerning or you never try to meet new people.

@A93ken Год назад

Love your content

@techiguy4188 11 месяцев назад

Absolutely 💯 all people have problems in their lives but some are good at solving their problems while others keep complaining about problems all the time and never solve them.

@Bat_Boy 10 месяцев назад

*Quick Verbage Reference* Counter successfully 1) Avoid direct advice with “Have you considered…” 2) “I understand you see it that way, however, I see it differently.” 3) Sandwich the bad. “I love you, however, you’re breath smells bad. I just care about you so much, I had to tell you.” Reflecting skills / active listening 1) “That’s interesting, why would you say that? Feel that? Think that?” 2) “So what you are saying is…” 3) Clearly identify the emotion the speaker is attempting to convey (if there is one). Empathize. Validate, if possible.

@kirandeepchakraborty7921 Год назад

It is because of people like you that I become optimistic about the future of our society. This video should reach far and wide.

@eccreedon Год назад

Love this. Unbelievably insightful and probing of our own motivations. Love the anecdote of her past persona + growth. Thank you Irshad!

@destructoooo 8 месяцев назад

Very brave to put those clips in the video.

@davidk7529 5 месяцев назад

She's always been amazing, but to hear her lay her own shortcomings out in the open like that is a more powerful basis for her message than anything else could have been. Imagine what would happen to the world if we all switched over to this mindset and started really growing and talking to each other normally.

@pamfan221 Год назад

Proud to see positive growth in you, Irshad. May everyone watching this be kind to themselves for getting things wrong, and eager to improve to do things right.

@dmcentYT Год назад

Came to this realization years ago and I think it follows under tolerance. I’ve always had an overly empathetic way and ability to gain perspectives but I would set hard lines about who I’ll never agree with which there still are some but I always try to gain those perspectives now. I realize people are easily manipulated, I think tiktok has brought a lot of people together and I’ve seen total opposites come to the realization we are a lot more alike than different and should be coming together.

@micha4014 Год назад

I would like to know more about what you say about Tiktok, since I have a rather negative view of that platform and never thought about it the way you put it. So to use point nr. 5: Tell me more!😊

@bigthink Год назад

@@micha4014 We would also genuinely love to know more about this!

@kickingleaves5122 Год назад

I am also genuinely curious!

@dmcentYT Год назад

@@bigthink Hey guys, it happens during livestreams which go on a lot on TT. The algorithm is so efficient it’ll show you what you’re interested in with some variety. So what I’ve come across after hitting a few political things in there is when someone has a livestream and it’s an open invite to opposing views that once the people start to have a conversation they realize they have a lot of the same views. That’s what makes TT different and why Gov hates it… it brings people together real time unlike twitter which is completely toxic and divisive at all times… same with Facebook. The entire live conversation changes the game for social media. The reach is outstanding too. So the feel of it is more like sitting around a table having a conversation live rather than a non personal comment after comment platform where it’s easier to be rude and non flexible.

@bigthink Год назад

Good point! Maybe live streams are a better way to get into these issues overall; do you find that, or does TikTok specifically have good ones?

Год назад

Very impressive to have made such a formidable transformation and now sharing that wisdom. Well done Irshad.

@Phoboss32 Год назад

I’m simply baffled 😮 This lesson is so well explained and so effective. It has to be taught everyone starting with little kids. Thank you so much, BigThink, for delivering highly needed skills to everyone with Internet access for free!!!!

@isthiswhatyouwanted9175 Год назад

My life forever changed the day I realized this concept. It took years of struggle and being radically hard on myself to get to where it is now… simply a part of me.

@wendylewis4591 Год назад

Irshad Manji is a brilliant woman! So glad to see her on this big platform - she is a worthy voice that deserves to be heard at an international level💪🧠 💪

@Frankya92 Год назад

I work in a high conflict job. I’ll try applying these steps

@bigthink Год назад

Good luck! What field?

@lijmoo Год назад

These are all great. I wish more people on every side of every spectrum would try and learn them. I'm so tired of "I'm right, your wrong" points of view or people looking to poke flaws instead of just actually listening for listening's sake. I'm exhausted.

@TeslasSecret Год назад

This was fantastic. Both deep and actually practical to apply to our daily conflicts.

@alexnewman564 10 месяцев назад

Subtle art of winning friends and influencing people talks so much about this. Timeless piece that’s more than relevant for friendships, relationships, and political environments today

@kirandeepchakraborty7921 Год назад

Eye opening...... Especially for the extremely polarized times that we live in.

@MasAlaMode Год назад

The main skill she’s talking about is empathy or being able to put yourself in others places. One exercise that help me was that I would try to understand people I disliked the most until I could put myself in the same mental state they were in

@nonadaze Год назад

Conflict resolution is such an important skill. This is the type of content I love.

@teckhui7478 Год назад

🔥🔥🔥 happy for her transformation and taking the time to share it with us

@Don_Thomas_ Год назад

This mindset is so valuable if we all took the time to implement these techniques

@hwway4488 Год назад

My human brain is definitely scanning for threats 5 times a second, that makes complete sense

@miriamzajfman4305 Год назад

Golden skill helping in understanding and resolving any problems 👍

@craiggunnell7105 Год назад

Love this! It’s been on my mind a lot lately. I think most people are coming from a place of good. Letting there be room for nuance and understanding I think would lead to a lot more peace on controversial topics.

@willowdaisies7402 Год назад

admitting that your opponent's opinions is valid too is a skill, great talk Irshad

@mghry 8 месяцев назад

This is a fascinating concept to apply. Thanks a lot

@LinaAqui Год назад

It brings me tears in a mixed emotions ways. Can we have more of these videos, specially when we debate or have grupal discussions? thanks

@toanrtgamin9698 Год назад

Choose wisely!!!! Gosh. She goosebumps me.

@ti3mpo618 11 месяцев назад

I like this one. Hearing it from someone who was able to change their perspective is very enlightening

@jsolargo 8 месяцев назад

Captivating speaker and perfect wrap up question.

@jonathanm9436 Год назад

Thank you. These methods are really useful to me. I already use some, but this talk gave me a more nuanced understanding of them and taught the value of a couple of new ones.

@dao.808 7 месяцев назад

very good! thank you, irshad!

@3.6_Sara Год назад

We are stronger together ❤‍🔥

@alienrobotcommando Год назад

Loved it! Thank you 🙏

@MichelleCarithersAuthor Год назад

love this and how she evolved herself and the conversations!!!!!

@rogersnick17 Год назад

I love the choice of title for this video. Soooo many people need to watch this.

@heavyvideo445 Год назад

Absolutely crucial for today's world

@mwmentor Год назад

Indeed, motivation, at the heart of all conversations, is a key part of determining what the outcome to any human interaction is going to be. Interesting ideas to try when meeting with others in conversation... 👍🙂

@cl114c0777498d Год назад

I really like this one. Practical, insightful and well presented.

@mussa3889 11 месяцев назад

It is epic that you have changed in such a manner, Irshad. I'm happy for you.

@mouniamobtil9143 Год назад

A very inspirational and strong woman, it takes courage to reach that kinda of growth and maturity and admit you were doing things wrong , props to her

@thesimplicitylifestyle Год назад

Well done! This video is so useful these days, thank you!

@grayautumnday Год назад

My personal shortcut internal question is - when I’m doing well enough to ask myself at the start of my emotions escalating - what do I want right now? Do I want to feel heard? Or do I want to feel “right”? Because those two goals are mutually exclusive.

@LL-lb7ur Год назад

Thank you. This is exactly the problem I am having. And these are great advices

@mattstephentabamocosmic Год назад

I know all the videos of Big Think are very helpful to each one of us, in my case this is one of the though provoking and very enlightening one. Happy Universe 🌌

@itsmekarishma_____128 Год назад

Wonderful it is to watch this and learn to be a listener. It is really important to be a listener to actually develop good communication skills.

@isthiswhatyouwanted9175 Год назад

Thank you for sharing

@aditya-the918blog Год назад

Such a gripping start 😮 amazing

@billo123456788 Год назад

Great video. Thank you, Irshad

@miles2127 10 месяцев назад

So many people need to hear this. Best youtube channel in the world!

@lucaspoblador1009 Год назад

One of the best video of this wonderful channel, congratulations

@eemoogee160 Год назад

Not letting labels and especially political party teams divide us is key.

@TheNaiveMonk Год назад

Thanks for sharing.

@heidivaliev3706 Год назад

Thank you for such a wonderful and very insightful video. You made it easy for me to "choose wisely".

@eloiguri 10 месяцев назад

Political extremists are a minority and yet they rule all conflicts. I wish those people could follow the advice on this wonderful video.

@roei_hayun Год назад

Wow, great content as always!!

@meyerlein 10 месяцев назад

Thanks for sharing this video.

@carolinaomar4589 Год назад

Excellent video, I definitely loved it!

@PeaceofMindEnterprises 10 месяцев назад

In the documentary video series, The United Silent American Scream we do just that your suggestion to say tell me more is great we like to use the word elaborate. Yes, diversity of the people of America is what makes America great to make a America Greater we need to view these as our strengths. It is good to see that you have made a commitment to changing your own techniques to be a voice of unity rather than divisiveness. Thank you very much for the report. Keep up the good work you are a beautiful person. Peace

@Wolfflybynature Год назад

Listening to learn is so important in such a argumentative world people listen to answer back never to gain knowledge or get a better understanding on the topic or situation

@user-qy6yn4kl8d 8 месяцев назад

One hopes those who most need this advice are proportionally receptive

@PrashayaShrestha 7 дней назад

this video is absolute value.

@karmicbreath Год назад

I agree with everything here. But I just want to say I think it's mostly the receiving side of discussion. These strategies turn us into curious and empathetic people. But what if the other side is not curious or empathetic? Can we incite empathy where it doesn't exist? I think so. If someone is challenging me on one of my positions and they're asking me a "gotcha" question, I always ask them, "what do you think my answer is based on my perspective?" I push for the person to say my answer instead of me saying it. It forces them to verbally acknowledge my points. Otherwise if I am the one who says them, they can talk past me with more fish galloping without acknowledgement.

@somyuh7402 11 месяцев назад

That's so helpful!

@nancye7520 Год назад

I learned a ton from this and passed it on to a friend.

@jakhongir_isomiddinov Год назад

editting is top-notch the team did great job - props to them

@fernandabermejo Год назад

Thank you.

@MichaelStanwyck Год назад

One of the problems is that not every conversation has an even compromise available. Sometimes, someone is right. Climate change is a good example. Either we are headed towards collapse, or we are not. If on one hand, we are, there is no compromise. If, on the other hand, we are not, why would someone be willing to give up a necessity for no reason in order to appease someone who is just making a mistake? Sometimes it’s actually important to win.

@ossibombe6973 Год назад

big chills!! best Big Think video so far! Thanks heeps

@ElCapitanDeLaNoche Год назад

At the end, you pointed out the first, and the most essential, key: A mission check. WHY are you doing something. To what end result? Once that determination is successfully accomplished, the rest just kind of falls into place naturally.

@faus585 Год назад

so good and a desperately needed mindset today

@dannyb7166 10 месяцев назад

The intro statement is beautiful

@weishenmejames Год назад

Powerful learning in this video.

@user-in7ci1fh6e Год назад

Really Great advice in this video. Excellent.

@Lorena-vf4bi 5 месяцев назад

Why this video doesn't have millions of views? , as others of this channel... We people urgently need applying these tools in these times of high polarization. Tell me more...

@pmhwong Год назад

Good wisdom. Thanks. I understood this about communicating early on in life. The difficult part is to make it a habit so that it kicks in auto-pilot.

@sasha_nivar Год назад

ive been doing this most of my life and some of my friends have looked at my approach to contentious conversations as weak and simply accepting and giving a thumbs up to the things people say and when I have tried to explain that what I want most is love respect and harmony and the way I do it is literally outlined in this video they tilt their heads saying I'm to patient or I'm not "holding people accountable" as tho that is what will bring peace love and respect I have a few of this conversations documented and wonder if I should release them to the world and show how a real live conversation of two people with opposing view can leave if not as friends then definitely no longer foes

@the_feisty_vegan_llc Год назад

Brilliant! Great video...

@craigmerkey8518 Год назад

Fantastic!

@mariacamillapetroni3553 10 месяцев назад

Thank you very interesting. Lots of things to learn I got two principles to work on thank you. Good day. Working on my humility. Thank you. MC

@zainabparveen6355 11 месяцев назад

one of the best videos of Big Think

@dvdmon Год назад

Even for centrists like myself, who want to have rational conversations with nuance that takes all sides concerns into effect, it can still be difficult to let go of an attachment to wanting to be "right" as if that even is possible in most situations. The thing is that there are so many complicating factors that make many if not most issues not have a simple single "right" solution, it all depends on your perspective. Of course many people on all sides of the political spectrum tend to be captured by "talking points" of their favorite news sources. But many people simply base their decisions on cultural context and personal psychology that makes total rational sense to them. There are of course some topics which are genuinely hard to debate a right vs. wrong, but these are usually not the issues we fight so bitterly about today. Even outside of politics, I find that my desire to be "right" about any given thing is very "sticky." I think it stems from not being taken seriously growing up, not feeling respected, lacking self confidence, etc. I can only imagine similar aspects may play out for others.

@nerd26373 Год назад

God bless everyone. Have a good day.

@eloisaanguiano 6 месяцев назад

Thank you for this!! And to this simple human exercise related to politics. Right now is crucial to learn to keep cool.

@vonsassy Год назад

Powerful.

@kasugasawa839 6 месяцев назад

"Tell me more" is also recommended in a harvard video i watched some days ago, but on the topic of "Small Talk", specifically when you don't have anything to say in response of what the other parties' were saying