A Crap Guide to Final Fantasy XIV - Healers 

You forgot the #1 reason to go healer: instant queues

Remember: The only point of HP that matters is the last one.

Healers: For when your idea of relaxing is trying to keep several suicidal toddlers from sticking forks in the wall sockets while also accomplishing chores.

"My job is to keep you alive, not heal you." This was my entire cleric motto in DnD. Don't fuck with the healer.

As a tank main, I can confirm healers aren't sweet, innocent individuals who use their powers to help others, they're cruel sadistic bastards who are fully aware that you're entirely dependent on them to survive and would drop you without a moments hesitation

If I had a dollar for every time I had a bad tank in the party while I was healer, I could finally pay their sub

"Healers are supposed to heal!" We call ourselves a "healer" because we heal allies and send enemies to ER

"The minimum number of hit points a party member needs to be at is one" Me, a GNB "THY WILL BE DONE, BROTHER!" *presses Superbolide"

The summary of healers "I decide when you live or die, if this battle is won or lost. That's right, I'm the white mage, AND NO BODY MESSES with the white mage"

DPS: Healer, you suck! Uninstall the game! Healer: So you have chosen death.

"the ability to never run out of mana" *Cries in endwalker*

My "god complex" as a healer is mostly just my soul growing ever more bitter every time I roulette with a tank that doesn't use mitigation and gets mad when they die because I ran out of MP even after popping lucid.

Ah yes, healer DPS, or as I prefer to call it, “preventative medicine.”

" If you're a healer chances are you have a god complex" Me a TF2 medic main: Yes, and your point is.

*"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD LILLY"* ~ when the Khorn Berserker wants to hawe a garden

Once again Jocrap will teach me everything about a game I've never played.

"I Can't Esuna Stupid" - JoCat, 2021. Best quote of the year.

The tank is the star of the party, the healer is the stage manager.

you know sage is kinda unique here as sage doesn't want to let the tank get too low unless all the enemies are almost dead, since sage lacks the tools to burst heal much. However sage toolkit is designed for heavy mititgation WHILE dealing damage that also heals the tank as you deal damage. making it the one healer all about KEEPING tank high HP WHILE dpsing, as one and the same.

"Slapping the b**ch who made the boo boos" "I can't esuna stupid" No matter how many times I hear these I always crack up like a mad man. And I consider myself to be a rather kind healer without the god complex. Unless you make my job hard on purpose. :-D

"I can't Esuna stupid" Having played healers in MMORPGs, I can relate to this so much. T_T

3:30 as a healer main, that fucking aggro ping set off my flight or fight response man jesus xD

Why I main healer: to collect those sweet sweet commendations.

0:18 man I don't know if that part aged really well or really bad with Endwalker

Me watching as a main tank, mentor, and omni crafter: well shit

"Rest in peace, Carby" hits different if you're a Puyo Puyo fan. XD

I watched this video before even playing FFXIV, but I've recently gotten obsessed. The first dungeon where I took the healer role, I want you to know I was singing "DPS the bad guys!" the entire time

"Which is why the healer is the most likely party member to have a god complex right behind Maintanks, Mentors and anybody who is an Omnicrafter" Me being all of it:" I guess im a god"

Everyone says that healers are subs, forgetting that they are the biggest doms of all, choosing who lives and dies. Tanks are the biggest subs, they get hit and slapped and only exist to get hurt and then beg/hope they get healed.

Healer is a lot like clerics. Damage dealers, who heal.

I legit just started this game as a healer yesterday. This has actually helped so much

The panicking tank casting clemency saying "I'm gonna do it" as the white mage shouts "DON'T YOU DARE" is where I cackled the hardest. Because it's true. DON'T YOU DARE.

4:05 *scribbling in notebook* Don't mind me, just saving that one for my raid group later.

Jocat: *Posts another crap guide* Me: *heavy breathing*

"Most likely to have a god complex behind main tanks, mentors and anybody who's an omnicrafter" *hides questioning my mental state as I'm all 4* This is a FANTASTIC FREAKING VIDEO! So many people refuse to believe this is remotely how a healer is. Every bit of this video is so perfect. Only thing I personally point people do on top of everything you pointed out is play a dps first and pay attention to the fights when possible.

As a healer, I can confirm many accuracies you mentioned. A a normal meat-person, I confirm that this was hilarious.

I'd like to thank Jocat for keeping me alive so I could get that 16 Vuln Stack collection. It was hard work but it paid off. We did it, buddy! For those curious, the run was 90% shenanigans and the other healer dared me to do it on the last boss. I, laughing too hard to see all my mitigation from previous nonsense, still said 'You're on.'

That SMN saying healers adjust that looks like larryzaur is so on point

"Like Livestreaming and hoping that everybody will come and watch." Ok Jocat, that hits a little too close

Coming back to these videos has actually really helped me since I finally started playing other classes more often. I was a drg main for the longest time, but after hitting shb content I started branching out into different roles, and these videos have actually been super helpful with dealing with the anxiety of the responsibility of healing and tanking. Especially the comments about how keeping everyone at full health at all times is sorta a waste of time and mana considering that out of combat regen is so powerful you're pretty much guaranteed to be at full when the next fight starts. Also "dpsing is just mitigating future damage" keeps popping in my head all the time. So seriously, thank you for these guides, I cannot express how much fun I've had trying different roles now that I can relax a bit and focus on actually learning the classes.

0:49 just saving this scene for the laughs

Shen's clear and concise explanation of the event was so informative that I might actually start playing ff just to attend.

I love that both this and the Tank Guide are actually not bad guides at all under everything. Keep it up!

As a fresh 🌱 healer I thank you for these words of wisdom

“Feeding them so much it’ll make an inflation artist blush in embarrassment” made me laugh louder than anything else has in months, Jesus chrisy

people: healers are bottoms FFXIV:

I have just played ff14 a few months ago and for the first time I experienced a good healer. They knew I can handle myself with WAR's healing and they just dps. It really made the clear so much faster. Thank you awsome healer from Kujata!

Wish I could hear a full version of that "Drunken Sailor" Parody at 1:16. That's a pretty fun ditty

"I'll be a white mage!" 'To heal the wounds of your allies, and comfort all those in need in your warm embrace?' "No, to melt the heads of the wicked in endless sorrow and despair!"

You know it’s good when he’s even got the reflection in the water during the intro

This actually works as a guide to healing and I love every second of it

Thanks, Jo. I'm new to the game and just started doing raids, and this guide helped me a lot. I even was commended by everyone. Looking forward to the DPS guide

Always remember to thank your healer or else they will secretly plot your downfall in the most overly complex and drawn out way possible. Or just refuse to heal you, either or

4:35 hmmm that bad DPS SMN looks awfully familiar......... 🤔

This was quite helpful! I'm still relatively new to the game and it helps show what our precious healers do.

As a healer main since Realm Reborn, I say thank you for making this xD When I see other healers just doing only that and not DPSing (or when I'm playing an off class) it grates my nerves. Now, I can just send them this video! :D

"If we win it's because of me. If we lose it's everyone else's fault!" - Every support ever Edit: this is meant to be a humourous exaggeration

"Ooh hoo, healers are meant to heal" _laughs in Jester Lavorre_

OMG So worth the wait!! I'm only getting into healing now and it has totally changed my perspective on how I play as Tank and DPS so hopefully i'm not to bad!! So excited for the next crap guide!! ^__^

I love how you managed to make a how-to video on a game I've never played properly entertaining.

*sees the summoner saying for the healers to adjust* "Oh, hi, Larry!"

I'm a simple man. I see JoCat upload, I hit like.

The audio for the actual video starts but the ad for Lunarcon is playing... aw man... And tis fixed! Yeeee! The Biggly Wiggly is synced up!

please make all the videos in the world from now on. This. This is gold.

OMG! YOU’RE CONTINUING THIS SERIES!? Your tanking guid was the reason why I started ffxiv (mostly the outfit) but I still started as a paladin

I just got into this game, and your how to play tank video genuinely kinda helped. Thanks dude

Jumped back into the game a few days ago with a new catboi and picked Conjurer for the first time. Still nervous about getting to my first MSQ dungeons where I'll have to try and actually heal people besides myself, but this video has at least given me some good notes to go off of. Thanks Mr.Quibbles^^!

I really need a full song version of ‘DPS the bad guy’. Please JoCat, I fall upon my nooblie knees and implore you expand on this marvelous melody! ‘Tis like to rival the greatest ballads of the greatest bards! Truly a work of art.

"it's about keeping your party alive" So if I lock them in a cell, miles and miles away from the fight, so that they can't fight, and therefor stay alive, am I a healer?

"the minium amount of HP a party member needs to be at is 1" party: {sweats}

0:18 when you knew the plot to endwalker months before it came out

Counterpoint: If your tank spends most of the first pull hovering around the lower edge of the life bar they aren't going to think "Hey, this healer really knows what they're doing. I can speed this up." They're going to think "Oh wow, this is a shit healer. I better do single pulls for the rest of the dungeon."

"There's gonna be alot of downtime between heals" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you obviously don't get the parties that I get.

"Healers adjust lul" yep thats Larry.

Thank you. Never have I been so happy to watch a healer ff14 video.

I just realized that you can see his eyes through the Chocobo beak lol.

I love that slap on Bahamut. I’m fairly certain it’s a shout out to that “Something about Yoshi’s Island” video. Great stuff

“Feeding them so much it’ll make an inflation artist blush in embarrassment" Welp, time to level WHM

i've watched this approx 20 times and it's still a work of goddamn art

3:47 man, I've watched this a bunch and only just realized the SMN in this bit is Larry. Gdi

As a healer in most games and in real life, I can tell you that we thrive on salt.

All eyes on Shen/Voxer freaking dies XD!

1st i played monhun and you teached me how to play every sword and shie- i mean other weapons which are nothing compared to sword and shield, but now i started playing final fantasy and yet you still managed to teach me new things, thank you JoCat

As an actual WHM main since I got to Heavensward, I feel this in my soul. I really, REALLY need that song at 2:10 for all my friends who are trying to learn healing after me XD Also, I do worry sometimes if I may actually be developing a god complex. XD

I've missed you, JoCat! ❤️ These "Crap Guides To" really helps me understand my boyfriend's favorite games, so thank you very much for making these! Healers are my top favorite 💖

Oh my god, as if I didn't love the tank one already 😭 I love how it's still funny but can teach new players how to play healer to be a part of the team!! This is super great, gonna show this to my sprout friends LOL

As a someone who has played FFXIV since ARR early access, I can attest that this video is the most accurate description of how a healer should play the game cooperatively I have ever seen.

A wise healer once said..."the only HP that matters is the last one."

Finally, someone who gets the real reason I play Healer.

Can we just appreciate that Jocat went through the effort to find an outfit that emulates his monster hunter character?

Annnnnd this is the gem I have been happily waiting to see since finding your tank guide! You just made my birthday! Thank you JoCat! (fellow white mage/scholar/Astro)

Heads up for anyone who's coming back to the video and get the Lunarcon video but crap guide audio: the video gets cached or something if you've seen it before. If you watch it in a private window, it'll work fine

The livestreaming part hurts

As a Scholar, I can confirm every single sentence is in fact a truth.

The carbuncle reveal as being blended for the aether infused Nouliths had me dead XD

This won me over because I’m cracking up and your sass is everything. Subbed

I love playing healer, even when sometimes the responsibilities become overwhelming and I lead the party to an untimely death from having an panic attack.

Thank you Jo for telling healers to dps. You're doing god's work.

0:17 WTF no way that was just a coincidence

I find this guide to be useful for most if not all healer types in multiplayer games. Currently, it stands as an inspiration for how I play Markus Kruber's Mercenary job in Vermintide 2.