A Fearful Avoidant Realizes They Lost You | What Happens?

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In this video, Thais Gibson reveals how the fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style) processes their emotions following a breakup and what happens when the reality of that breakup sinks in. Learn how the fearful avoidant attachment style processes breakups and what to do whether you're the fearful avoidant or find yourself on the other end of the breakup as Thais offers up some guidance and useful tips. For more information check out the course, How to Heal From a Breakup & Transform Grief above on how to transform your pain after a breakup.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:33 - How the Fearful Avoidant Process Their Emotions
00:06:27 - If This Sounds Like You
00:07:49 - If You're On The Other End of A Breakup
00:08:33 - Summary / 7-Day Free Trial: How To Heal From A Breakup
00:09:38 - Conclusion
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3 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 190

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 11 месяцев назад

Does this sound like you? Let us know your experience below

@davidianhowe 11 месяцев назад

What if they wanted to stay friends, and you tried. But they pushed you away after you took some space to process? She says she never felt heard, and I lost my best friend. (I think we're both disorganized; I'm in therapy for it)

@eoKingNoodle 11 месяцев назад

As an FA leaning DA I tend to be good at numbing myself in the beginning and I find I don't as much grieve the loss of the person as I grieve the loss of our "imagined future" . Often I hadn't even been aware that I was imagining a future, I might have felt I was taking it very casual, day by day and then when I get dumped I realise I had like fifteen years ahead planned for us! ;D So I tend to really grieve only when my ex starts building a future with the next one. As long as noone has yet "taken" our future I am doing peachy, I thrive on my own anyway, but as soon as they start building a future with a new one, even if that is way later, that is when I truly shatter :(

@davidianhowe 11 месяцев назад

@@eoKingNoodle That's a really insightful take.

@eoKingNoodle 11 месяцев назад

@@davidianhowe Thank you :)

@komakino0 11 месяцев назад

@@eoKingNoodlethanks for this. Recovering from avoidant initiated break up. Seeing this makes me sad but also a great reality check, l want to be with someone who doesn't need that much time to appreciate me...

@henryzhao4622 10 месяцев назад

It’s so dystopian the thought that some of you just numb, cope, and then discard the person as if the connection never existed… what good is life if emotions can be like cardboard

@Stefaneugen87 9 месяцев назад

So true

@rahbones7020 8 месяцев назад

It’s a trauma response and a coping mechanism

@carissajae2410 7 месяцев назад

I know, this really breaks my heart and scares me. I have also just had this done to me, and I am so puzzled and shocked! (And hurt).

@henryzhao4622 7 месяцев назад

@@carissajae2410 so sorry. I think my revelation is there’s only about 10-15% of people who are both good hearted AND fortunate to have healthy upbringings. So next time around I’ll try to separate whether I simply like someone vs someone I can truly love, which has to be someone good and in a healthy state. We deserve to protect our own hearts too. Good luck

@sadejones6657 5 месяцев назад

I certainly do this I didn't think it was wrong. If a person doesn't what to be with you wants the point of keeping sad feelings around?

@ashleyb.8217 11 месяцев назад

I delay the process of feelings my emotions until I’m in a “Safe” space.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 11 месяцев назад

Thank you for sharing your experience ❤

@spiritwanderer777 4 месяца назад

So you tippy toed your way out of meeting needs of your partner, lost the partner, and now you will carefully indirectly try to see if that partner wants you? and if they don't throw themselves into your arms with "I miss you so much" you will swing right back into your avoidant side? This sounds like such a cowardly way of approaching life, and how does anyone think that this would work is beyond me.

@schylerjohnson9216 2 месяца назад

Damned if you do damned if you don’t 😂

@marekin8024 11 месяцев назад

For myself mainly... The reason why I "numb or minimize" the pain is because i cannot afford to lay and cry in bed all day and everyday. I can't afford to go into a depression. Life goes on, things need to be done. Yes there are times when i feel my emotions come up suddenly and it would hit me like a ton of bricks and I'd need a few hours to cry it out but after that I'm good again for the next few weeks until the pain resurface. Eventually after a few months I barely feel anything. I did this for 9 months with my ex DA. Telling myself he never loved me anyways and that helped me cope until one day he came back telling me he is hurting too. That it wasn't easy for him to let me go, that he still loved me. When he told me these things it's like I tapped into that space again of feeling and wow i cried for days after. Which surprised me because I genuinely thought I was over him.

@RitaP41 11 месяцев назад

When all you ndo is Cope insured of living through it, it all gets stored until next time...and the cycle continues, but stronger.

@droflivelife 7 месяцев назад

I just reached out to my FA after 5 months, she was kind and considerate but no I miss you. I told her how much I still missed her and she said sorry. She said she will probably single forever. I said was I that bad you'd rather be alone forever. I thought what we had was amazing. I can't understand how she can be so cold. How can you just lose all those feelings after planning kids, home, marriage.

@marekin8024 7 месяцев назад

@@droflivelife I'm sorry to hear that😔 FAs can be pretty cold when leaning DA but that's cause usually we're not tapped into our emotions having been out of the relationship for several months. It's like running on autopilot.

@Mygfislazy 6 месяцев назад

@@droflivelifehow long were yall together and why did you guys breakup?

@droflivelife 6 месяцев назад

@@Mygfislazy all together 1 year and best friends for 6 months leading up to that. I went to the UK with her for her sisters child birth in march 23, after that she was talking, marriage, kids, home and then just left.

@mikei6895 11 месяцев назад

The worst is that little period they pretend everything is cool and it's all in your head

@uniquedavenport 10 месяцев назад

Lol it's called gaslighting but often they don't know they do that... yikes😅

@mikei6895 10 месяцев назад

In really toxic cases yes but I think sometimes theres a nice form of denial/gaslighting where they don't even see it .

@roshalllambert 11 месяцев назад

Love the explanation of how they numb out in the beginning and then the feelings come up to the surface! and how childhood events are tied to it!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 11 месяцев назад

Glad you liked that!

@GEOFFAMORTON 5 месяцев назад

There’s a phrase… “still waters run deep”. Sometimes the people that seem the calmest on the surface have torrents raging down below where nobody can see them.

@brain_unlimited 11 месяцев назад

Soooooo true 😅 wake up in the middle of the night years after an event and suddenly cry for an hour about it. 🙋🏻‍♀️

@Mari-lv1rd 9 месяцев назад

The pain is terrible and I cant even describe it. Nothing helps except closing my eyes and pretending I am someone else in somewhere else with different life.

@unionunicorn6776 11 месяцев назад

I definitely recognize this in myself and it also is probably in him too, because it would explain a lot of his behavior, but because he never bothered to tell me I can never know for sure what he was thinking. It’s always painful to think about him now. It’s been almost a whole year with no contact. This relationship was the most heartbreaking relationship I’ve ever had in my whole life, and my own parents don’t want a relationship with me anymore. But somehow his rejection of me hurts the most. I really did love him. It sucks to know that love is not enough. 💔💔💔

@eoKingNoodle 11 месяцев назад

I am so sorry you did not get closure and have to move on without answers, it makes the healing take that much longer :( I just wanted to say that there isn't necessarily anything "wrong" with you at all, he was just looking for something else, looking to get some needs met that he may not even understand himself yet what are. He may never find the person that can fit these needs meaning we'd all be "wrong" for him :) And even if he does, you dodged a bullet, as you deserve to be fully loved, seen and be with someone who puts you at ease

@section9999 10 месяцев назад

@@eoKingNoodle No offense to OP I actually resonate strongly with her story but maybe he dodged a bullet too. Sounds like they both hurt each other and deserve better than what they put up with AND put out there, which was probably not much. Love isn't enough you have to put in work for that love to be expressed in a healthy way. Sorry not trying to be a dick but she said herself he was probably going through the same thing but never expressed himself properly. I can totally resonate with his side of the story too. Just cuz hes a guy doesn't mean he was the only one that had something to learn from the experience. Edit: Maybe neither of them dodged any bullets maybe they were a good fit that didn't actively, well... fit. By which I mean communicating and accommodate each other's needs, etc. Also speaking partly from my own experience as an FA. I've been taken for granted and self-sabotaged it sucks both ways.

@eoKingNoodle 10 месяцев назад

@@section9999 Hi! I can totally see what you're saying, I just feel the way I need to think when I am healing from a break-up is so different from how I'd think if I was still in the process of saving the relationship. I feel when someone dumps you you no longer have responsibility to fully understand and see their side of it etc, at this point your main responsibility is to heal up and take care of yourself, as you won't have the other person in your life anymore anyway. If I was in a failing relationship that maybe could be saved I would of course do my best to see the others side of it, understand my part in it, absolutely be accountable, but I feel when my heart is broken I need to detach and think differently. I'm FA leaning DA, been taken for granted a lot and have made quite the mess self-sabotaging many times so can relate to that as well. Not sure if I answered your question, feel free to add thoughts, I will always respond

@sadiqua7 11 месяцев назад

Yes, please more videos on ex partners of FA navigating breakup. It’s a struggle wanting to share this info but knowing it will push them further away. My ex will not respond to “I miss you, can’t we talk” texts, but he would respond to non emotional texts. Yet he wants to be friends. I thought he would feel less threatened not being in a situationship/relationship and finally having a vulnerable conversation but I was wrong. He did acknowledge that he thinks an ex that cheated messed him up, I thanked him for opening up to me and he said you’re welcome. This was 3 weeks ago. No contact since then. What do I do? I’m sad he’s in pain, but he pushed me away out of nowhere and I’m dealing with my own trust issues, I took the test and it says i’m secure with a large percentage of FA and AA so I can swing depending on who I date. I met someone new and he came on so strong I felt myself going avoidant. I already ended it.😢

@Karll541 6 месяцев назад

Where is this test? That sounds difficult by the way

@Oceansta 11 месяцев назад

They are not strong, they are stubborn.

@brain_unlimited 11 месяцев назад

"Help the parent laying on the floor". Every single video of PDS is so on point

@tinac6114 11 месяцев назад

I'm not sure if he's FA or Narcissist? He just one day out of the blue ghosted & blocked 4 mnths ago. No fight or anything. We hugged & kissed goodbye one morning & 3 days went by with no text so I grew concerned & started texting.. no response. I then tried calling only to him hurrying & blocking me! The wind was knocked out of my sails!

@differentyetsame 11 месяцев назад

I expressed my needs and concerns, he blocked me on a social media platform and i had access to another way of communicating to him.. I brought up my concerns he was hiding me and it was having an impact on me...one month later still no response. He flirted openly with other women online during this time, annoyed I contacted his friend to ask if his friend could take his bag of clothes he left with me, he then ghosted me.. he also ghosted his friend, he made contact with his friend, 9 months later I heard from him, "wanting to chat".. he then told me after a week of being intouch he decided to start dating again after 'our' period of no contact... I asked if this was all he wanted to talk about.. no answer.. I told him at this point of time I only have the energy for people who are communicative, that don't block and ghost people and that he had an impact on my trust and at this point of time I have nothing to say, he then came back saying he completely understood and that he didn't plan on being in touch at all (after asking me how I was) and then wished me all the best.. he them posted indirect, direct posts about God and the analogy of planting wheat with a seed and weeds..he knew I had my concerns about having children, however being with him I wasted precious last years of my biological clock.... I also lost my cat on his birthday last year..he posted a indirect direct message saying "a cat that cares about tomorrow does not eat a pregnant rat"... I'm thinking even if he is dismissive avoidant he sure has narcissistic traits too

@2KChilds 10 месяцев назад

@flojo8097No, true narcissists I highly codependent and have anxious insecurity, so either AP, or FA.

@seeratkk7231 Месяц назад

Not narc but few traits coz they r brought up by narc parent

@TheEtherealgrl 11 месяцев назад

This was so helpful! Figuring out what needs an ex met and then trying to meet them on your own/with other is gold.😊

@TiffanyNicholeCatley 11 месяцев назад

I was very anxious all of a sudden once I realized my marriage was ending. I'd spent years in avoidance and quite detached feeling from my partner. But I still did love him. That lasted about a month, and the gradually I switched to detaching again. Self-soothing and coping mechanisms. Until I started therapy and was able to really release the feelings of rejection and abandonment.

@Kemi116 9 месяцев назад

If you don’t mind me asking, how is your marriage now? I hope everything is okay on your behalf 🙏🏾

@stevensantora2976 11 месяцев назад

Thank you so much. I love the 2 videos today.

@LeeChrissy 11 месяцев назад

For the most part, when I've been done with someone, I was done. If they came back around and there was still feelings then I might try again, but I generally got over everyone without hopes of reconnecting in a romantic way pretty fast. Not so easy with the last two men I dated who I believe are DA's. I had a huge attachment to them...moreso the last one. Now that I'm in PDS and now have such a great supportive community, I am realizing that being healthy is far more important than entering into another cycle with my on and off again DA. He outright refuses to heal and grow and I don't have it in me to work with that. Also, now that we've been separate, I'm starting to heal for myself and not him anymore. I'm aware enough to know it's not good for me or him to go back into this. It sucks. It hurts. But now I can try and solely focus on myself.

@LeeChrissy 11 месяцев назад

@@michaelmich00 I'm in PDS to heal and fix myself so I'm a better version of myself. People who lie aren't trying to heal.

@eoKingNoodle 11 месяцев назад

I'm in the same place, I wish us both the best of healing whether we go back or not. From what I've read in your comments elsewhere I feel you have been in enough on and off cycles with that DA to know the person well enough as to not have to reach out to ask how they're doing after the break-up. At least I would not see that as being a responsibility of yours in this situation

@LeeChrissy 11 месяцев назад

@@michaelmich00 your sentence wasn't clear and didn't correlate between what you said then and what you're asking now so how would I know what you were trying to ask? Lol We've been in 3 cycles and he specifically points out that he cannot hear anything that makes him feel bad or sad or he shuts down and he's never going to change. His words. By bad or sad it will be something like asking him to be more present and give me what I give him. Now to be fair, before PDS I wasn't able to convey this in a non-confusing way to him so where I was trying to speak my mind, he thought it was me telling him he needs to change. I don't fault him for it. But I felt continually misunderstood and he never would ask me to clarify what I meant without assuming I meant the worse. Fyi, you seem salty against FA's by the way you comment.

@LeeChrissy 11 месяцев назад

@@eoKingNoodle thank you. I've known the man for 20 something years. We used to go out for pizza while talking about our past relationships before we started dating and we're always pretty close. I agree. After 3 times of trying to work this out and agreeing we aren't on the same page, I see no need to go back in and ask again so thank you for saying that. 💗 He is also roommates with good friends of mine and one literally told me this morning that he recently said he misses me, but he's not changing for anyone. So there it is!

@cornwallismorgan874 11 месяцев назад

Yeah, you can't be with someone who refuses to grow. It's just not possible, and if you don't have it in you to be around that, then GOOD. I'm glad you've gained the courage to begin your journey!

@alexandersommerbauer 11 месяцев назад

Wow you are spot on. Expert.

@davidianhowe 11 месяцев назад

Damn. This hits hard.

@AG-bx1cc 9 месяцев назад

I'm interested in whether this actually prompts the self-reflection to change or not. There's been no evidence of any willingness on the part of my FA ex thus far.

@blackstripened 11 месяцев назад

Omg this totally sounded like me. I went through a numbing phase for the first 4-5 weeks, feeling absolutely nothing - and then bam, all of the bottled emotions came to the surface and I cried for 2-3 day straight. I felt activated with my feelings & thoughts but never acted on them. After a few days of crying I thought okay, time to move on, and felt so much better.

@blackstripened 11 месяцев назад

Thank you for your constructive feedback, Pablo!

@Vibingwithcats00 11 месяцев назад

Wow. This video came right on time! Literally happened to me today realizing my ex partner moved on. And this is exactly what happened. I didn't wait for a response or an answer nor closure. I blocked them on everything and wished them well. I refuse to blame myself completely. But I acknowledged the part I played in the situation.

@HealingHappyAli 11 месяцев назад

Good job 🎉 that's big for us FA's

@RitaP41 11 месяцев назад

Blocked them...WHY?

@EMJKfunnTim3s 11 месяцев назад

@@RitaP41 idk if op does it for the same reason as me, but I would also block my ex in that situation because otherwise I would be tempted to check up on them more knowing that I have easy access to them and I would also be plagued with the idea or hope that they may reach out to me at some point. As I have a hard time actually putting an end to things, when I go through a breakup I have to purge everything that reminds me of my ex. I have to get rid of any and all known access to them so I can learn to make peace with and eventually feel at ease with the finality of the breakup.

@RitaP41 11 месяцев назад

@@EMJKfunnTim3s thanks for the reply. I see your point and especially relate to the hope. Still think it's fucked up and disrespectful to the other person and your relationship. And unhealthy cuz it's not healing, but suppressing emotions that are obviously still there yearning to be resolved. ❤️

@EMJKfunnTim3s 11 месяцев назад

@@RitaP41 never thought of it that way! I get where youre coming from. The act of blocking someone is generally a defense/coping mechanism. However, I guess that I think it makes the most sense to operate under an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of mindset, especially if you're the type to obsess and constantly re-open old wounds by checking up on them even if only to stalk their feeds lol. At least for a time, it may be a good idea for many or even most to block an ex as the space can be used to Kickstart the healing process! Thanks for sharing your perspective, as well!

@HH-pj5bl 11 месяцев назад

Another great video as always!!! Great share of fa from fa perspective, can you share how they can work on it? Thank you Thais and love you🩷

@lindam7821 11 месяцев назад

Wow the accuracy of how I responded.

@cupcake0480 4 месяца назад

You can’t fool the nervous system. This stuff WILL come back in some way and if you haven’t felt all the feelings properly, it’s more likely that your body will keep the score and disease will come along. We don’t get away with stuffing down or ignoring feelings. They WILL come up in some way.

@coachingwithkim5791 11 месяцев назад

So much of the information out there is when a fearful avoidant breaks up with an anxious preoccupied. However, in my case, I am the anxious preoccupied, who broke up with the fearful avoidant before he could. I need some information on what’s going through his head, and what steps I need to take to get him back.

@WolfxxBite 11 месяцев назад

I am curious about this too, as my Anxious partner cut me off ON MY BIRTHDAY about a month ago, and I (an FA) am wondering how we should both proceed. We both need healing, but I am confused about where her mind is right now, as she is silent and blocked me everywhere except her phone number I think.

@brandycunningham4914 10 месяцев назад

I did this too and now am dealing with massive regret/remorse. 😢

@nateg.4488 8 месяцев назад

Never break up someone unless you mean it. You basically quit your job so you didn’t get fired, and you now want to reapply there as your next job? It’s safe to say you should move on. Once you move on maybe you both will find your ways back to eachother

@krisgi00710 4 месяца назад

Can we get an update on what happened?

@Calicokitty2 11 месяцев назад

In my 6 yr situationship with an FA, we haven't actually broken up but are just not there for each other the same. Rather than it 'ending ugly' as he always said it would, I've been determined it would not and we would become friends. I've done the breakup course twice and worked on my needs and trait variety, both big issues. I've made so much progress, thanks to PDS, but I just can't get my heart to disengage fully. Why?

@user-lx4uk5un7s 11 месяцев назад

Intermittent reinforcement

@kaachsports 11 месяцев назад

Because you are not a robot. No one is. When you break up, eventually time will heal. Eventually. But forget the idea of disengaging fully when you're still with them. We're humans - it won't happen. Not only that, but it's actually not fair for them that you're waitingto disengage fully before you leave.

@RitaP41 11 месяцев назад

@@kaachsports time doesn't really heal. You need to feel/live out your pain in order to let it go, otherwise it just transfers into your next relationship.

@kaachsports 11 месяцев назад

@@RitaP41 Um, yeah I know that. When people say time heals, it just implies that with time you feel the pain less. Which is true. Its not suggesting that you should repress your emotions and time will just make it disappear.

@RitaP41 11 месяцев назад

@@kaachsports well it's Not True. Time Doesn't heal. So if you Know that, choose your words wisely.

@trinaija 6 месяцев назад

Wow. I just may be a fearful avoidant…or have some of these qualities for sure.

@sparky6743 4 дня назад

It sucks cause my FA ex broke up, said she wanted to stay friends, said she still loved me, then said she wanted to move on again (all while showing me absolutely nothing to show she truly loved me). Like, I’ve forgiven her for everything, but in general I really don’t think it’s fair to ask someone to continue to give them those same positive loving things you gave during dating without requiring any actual commitment from your end. It’s either you get all of me, or you get none of me imo

@GEOFFAMORTON 5 месяцев назад

That’s funny. I recently had a friend get in touch after years of only intermittent contact. I’d long had feelings in her direction but had just clamped down on them as I’d had no real outlet for them. I’d been missing her, but there was a comfortable space of not really dealing with it. And then she starts asking if she can call. And hits me with “I miss you so much”. I can tell you, that in that moment I knew if I were to reply to that honestly, and actually mean my response… probably was going to be trouble. And it was! Oh, it very much was.

@kalencorrie8525 23 дня назад

After being separated for three years, he said he missed me. He thought seeing each other once a week would be nice. He has used cheating, and I mean serial cheating, to “stay” in this relationship and it has been torture. I could not put myself in this situation again knowing I was the one who would suffer. And I did. He went back to his last side. Easy fix. Old shoes and no new tricks, where he can play his come-go games safely and without judgement.

@Dabebo-xk2bt 7 месяцев назад

I have lost the "need" for human contact due to the neglect of 17 years of no physical contact more than one would give an uncle. 24 years of marriage and 17 years of that has been completely void of touch 💔. I am 60 and am losing ability now even. I am a leper avoiding all contact vowing to never be touched by anyone again for as long as I live. That seems to be what she wants and so that is what makes her happy.

@mcr1679 11 месяцев назад

I'm a FA, broke up w my best friend nearly 2 months ago. at first I was cryingggg it was so emotional but he stayed present in the convos... then he started acting disrespectful and ratchet... the way that made me switch into my avoidant side... I cut off ppl violently... like I feel embarrassed for the way he acts... I do miss him but I seen his true colours... he's immature and I have some healing to do too... and exactly what u said ...

@NT-qd2rs 10 месяцев назад

Why don't you think you've hurt him? I wonder how fa people are completely unaware of consequences of their own actions

@NT-qd2rs 10 месяцев назад

@muneyjordanisapro yeah, it's a huge conflict inside, my partner told me "I felt so good with you that I decided to break up". Like wtf is wrong with you? Sounds insane

@SnakeSalmon8izback 10 месяцев назад

@@NT-qd2rs If an FA cuts outs you off, there was a very, very compelling reason

@o_The_Hitman 8 месяцев назад

So at no point was he supposed to get upset and return the same energy you’ve been giving him? YIKES! FAs are really in denial. I will applaud you for understanding you need to continue working on yourself. But yeah…… I imagine he started acting that way because you caused him to get insecure. Accountability

@saintultra2737 5 месяцев назад

@@o_The_HitmanThat’s why there are a lot of professionals who say that, the differences between an avoidant and a narcissist are few. They cannot comprehend the consequences of their own actions. They do this because they are broken and cannot function in the moral way others can. They use and abuse people, then discard them and portray themselves as martyrs. I honestly have such a hard time giving a shit about an avoidant’s “trauma” at this point. Congratulations on allowing your past to ruin the lives and happiness of the people around you. You are NOT special, many of us deal with trauma and yet, find a way to manage and heal without hurting our loved ones.

@candyarries 11 месяцев назад

I used to be FA leaning anxious but now secure. My FA ex gave me the run around for 3 years. Never wanting me, but never letting go. I tried damn hard to meet his needs but he didn't really know what those were. And when I spoke about my needs, he'd try for 3 days at a time but it lost consistency because he's inconsistent, even mostly with himself. This is our third break up, I tried talking to him through it. First 2 weeks were fine but the more in control of myself I became after a break up, the more belligerent and unhealthy his behaviour became. Now, I don't want him... not because I don't love him, but his level of control is too much for me and it's becoming more and more unattractive. The less I want from him so that I can pour into myself, the less I want to be near him and the more he wants attention from me. I don't think I ever wanted to be this far and distant from someone I dated just after a break-up ever.

@o_The_Hitman 8 месяцев назад

Sounds rather dismissive maam

@candyarries 8 месяцев назад

@o_The_Hitman at this point, I don't even care to try and figure it out anymore.

@ryanmccarter9859 2 месяца назад

Man, why do they do this? I just blocked mine 2 years after she broke up with me. For those 2 years, she would reach out over and over again, reconnect, we would rediscover that passionate connection, and then a week later she'd ghost and wind up saying some nobody whom she'd dump 4 months later, only to repeat the cycle with me. For two years. She has almost no friends left because she's pushed everyone away. She's such a smart girl. What are they thinking?

@renicantabille 6 месяцев назад

My FA partner cut me off and shut down because he feel overwhelmed, 2 months after that, when i try to reach him out, he's kinda resent me, blame me for our relationship even though not once i've blame him for all the traumas he gave me for left behind irresponsibly.. everything has to be according to his terms whatsoever, including answering text... even though i try my best give my compassion towards him, sooth him that his needs too are important, he reacts by keep pointing out to me over and over again... i think i'm done.. i just want him to treasure our memories together and never once i think bad of him, but i guess its okay too if he only see the bitterness.... hope someday he will see what i see though and heal his own trauma...

@dannycolwell8028 9 месяцев назад

My FA ex recently dumped me, saying she was inconsiderate and not good enough and frustrated and overwhelmed and it’s not me it’s her…. Wtf

@Mygfislazy 6 месяцев назад

Update?

@user-mi2uo9xj5t 11 месяцев назад

Hello Thais, I love your videos and I love the PDS program. I have learned so much and look forward to learning even more. But I can’t help in thinking/feeling that this way that avoidants run away and are afraid of being vulnerable is a very immature way of dealing with things. I get the whole trauma thing and stories we make up and our subconscious mind but we are all human and vulnerability is scary no matter what our attachment style is. I just find it frustrating that a capable adult cannot bring themselves to have an honest, adult conversation to address relationship issues. So immature and it’s aggravating. Sometimes I think maybe my ex and I could work if we both worked together. But this way of the avoidant makes me unsure of that. I know it’s not her fault entirely but I don’t think its fair to get that hot/cold treatment from anybody.

@LeeChrissy 11 месяцев назад

I totally feel this. My ex DA and I, FA, main problem is that we couldn't communicate because whenever I tried, he would take what I said out of context, get defensive and shut down. I constantly felt unheard and misunderstood. We went through 3 cycles and never back tracked to talk about what happened. It definitely can be frustrating. Especially when they recognize this and aren't willing to talk and work on it as a team. On the flip side, I now recognize that I was not always clear supportive when I had an issue. But I agree. We are adults and should be able to work through it. What if it was a job and a boss approached us? We'd have to work through it if we want to keep our job and survive right? It always makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort and that's why I keep leaving. His zero desire to work thru the hard times.

@SoistdasNini 11 месяцев назад

I totally agree with you.

@RitaP41 11 месяцев назад

I agree with you. Time to leave immature people to other immature people and find others who are working on themselves and are Brave enough to Stay and Talk.

@jhsporty 11 месяцев назад

The immature behavior comes from their childhood trauma. Whatever age it happened at, is the age they respond at. Don’t take it personally. Yes easier said then done. It just is.

@jennifermoore4246 11 месяцев назад

What if I don't want to detach. What if I want him to come back? 😥 Does that mean I'm trauma-bonded?

@LeeChrissy 11 месяцев назад

I feel this. I'm a FA with a DA ex and my heart is very much attached no matter how many times I walk away. I feel like I'm more in love with our potential than our reality honestly. It doesn't help that a good friend just told me this morning that he mentioned to him that he misses me. I'm truly trying to heal with PDS and not go back into an unhealed dynamic.

@HealingHappyAli 11 месяцев назад

No, not necessarily a trauma bond, but the more you work towards your Secure Attachment the more clearly you'll be able to access the relationship without the Anxious-Avoidant ebb and flow.

@kathierichardson8361 11 месяцев назад

Yup I feel you!

@chrisschwab7696 11 месяцев назад

Detaching doesn't mean completely letting go. You are detaching from the emotion build ups. From the anger, the loss, you can still have feelings but what ends up happening is you lighten yourself around everything.

@Millenniumb 11 месяцев назад

Write a list with everything bad the person told you/put you through. When the sorrow takes over, look at the list. This is not to make you hate the person, but to remove the perfect picture you are giving, we’re all human, no one is perfect.

@magorzata1563 11 месяцев назад

3 months no contact

@hannaheye 11 месяцев назад

Thais, are the needs a person was meeting different for each style? I'd love to compare which needs each style is naturally good at meeting in others.

@Jb30562 8 месяцев назад

You just described my first love breakup 20 years ago that I am still trying to grieve and process. The relationship was loving and healthy and then I had to move an hour away to finish my degree and it was just like all my feeling was gone so I figured it was over. A year later it was like coming out of a trance I realized he was really gone. Massive regret, shame, confusion plowed me under for years. I feel like I am only truly understating what went on inside of me right now. I can’t help but hate that I was shaped this way. It’s caused me so much pain.

@Thecaptin12345 10 месяцев назад

What to do if you like a Fearful Avoidant, and you are in a breakup phase, hot communicate with him.

@boooootch 10 месяцев назад

Does all this apply to the FA as the "dumper"? The one who ended it (after having a lot of ambivalence)? Because my FA ex did just that... after several months of 'limbo state' (a breakup when she was really mad), she ended it, but still seemed confused and very angry. Now, it's been a couple months of No Contact, and she just wished me a happy birthday and was warm and heartfelt. But no more texts for a couple days. Should I keep the conversation going? Is she afraid? I'm going a little crazy here. I want her back.

@austinroberts1450 11 месяцев назад

Can you do this video for DAs?

@pryda001 8 месяцев назад

I split with my ex last week and I suspect she is a fearful avoidant. She lost her dad when she was 16 and still struggles with the loss. She attempted suicide while she was still a teenager and still cries about him a lot, which I think is the reason she acts the way she does with a relationship. Before the break up she admitted that she has a tendancy to push people away, which is what she was doing with me. She ended the relationship a number of times, but we always managed to resolve issues. This occassion does seem more final though. Since the split we've had some pretty adult conversations and I claimed that she seems completely unaffected by the split, and she again said she's really good at masking her emotions. This video has been helpful and have given me an insight in to trying to understand why things are happening in this way. I'm hopeful we'll be able to resolve things again, but I'll report back once the situation has played out

@pryda001 8 месяцев назад

Quick update: she was cheating

@andie7858 7 месяцев назад

@@pryda001 That´s bad - sorry to hear that

@dukethecolors 7 месяцев назад

@@pryda001oh no how did you find out

@saintultra2737 5 месяцев назад

@@pryda001avoidants are broken. They will bring you nothing but pain into your life. I’d honestly love if these people had some sort of sign above their heads, they are untrustworthy to their core. They hide behind their childhood to extract what they want from others. Make this a lesson. Avoid these impaired freaks.

@sadejones6657 5 месяцев назад

Why I do and did all of this

@olgasampis9745 10 месяцев назад

I am so ready to move out and get divorce form a avoidant disorganized. I am ready to recibe what is normal. I carried a cross for too lo g

@dannycolwell8028 9 месяцев назад

We’ve hung out and been vulnerable and had sex a couple times since breakup. I feel like she wants to try again but is overwhelmed and scared. I want to try one more time

@oolieboolieyeah 11 месяцев назад

Could I have some book recommendations for this topic please? I'm new to this and would like to sink my teeth into some good literature about it.

@MarionFiedlerMusic 2 дня назад

There is a good book by adam lane smith - Check his books about attachment styles. He is mostly writing about FA, helps insecure/anxious folks to become secure. He is the attachment specialist and has 15 years of clinical experience and marriage supportive therapy under his belt.

@Truckguy1970 8 месяцев назад

I have currently been in an off and on LDR with a woman for over a year that seems to be an FA. She's hot and cold with me from afar some days and sometimes she's all loving and caring and we can talk for hours every day. But when I go to visit for a few days she acts like she doesn't want me around, won't go near me and sometimes does cuddle but is afraid of intimacy in person. From afar she sends me nudes and revealing pics and acts all flirty and loving. She claims she's afraid I'll never move near her and that's why she's afraid to be intimate when I come to visit and she also thinks that if I was serious then I would at least gone to some job interviews when I come to see her. Well that works both ways, If she's really not serious like she claims to be when I visit, why am I going to want to waste my time looking for a job down there, risk getting into trouble at my current job that I've had for over 30 years for someone that only might want to be with me if I actually make that move?

@anon_ya 8 месяцев назад

This is spot on. I’m an FA going thru this right now. I broke up w/ my ex DA because he didn’t seem ready for commitment after his divorce. He wanted to work thru it, but I went NC because I was tired of not having my needs met. Fast forward 3mo later I miss him & want to check in. Someone tell me this is a bad idea. I doubt he’s ready or will ever be.

@krissyhall2838 7 месяцев назад

Let him come to you my friend.

@anon_ya 6 месяцев назад

@@krissyhall2838 yup. He already texted me a week ago that he thought of me. I didn’t reply, because he didn’t say anything else or ask me a question. It was a very lazy “test the waters” text.

@frankastisk 11 месяцев назад

I've gone from anxious to avoidant in three weeks. "It never would have worked anyway, but our friendship was good and I miss that." But I've decided that we never had a chance anyway, so the distance feels ok now. Now that I've left the anxious stage and gone avoidant it's my DA/leaning FA'S turn to go from avoidant to anxious. 😂

@RitaP41 11 месяцев назад

You're an FA.

@goldy140 2 месяца назад

Thais same things happening to me from my FA bf, we love eachother so truly for 1 & a half years, but he has all FA signs + some BPD traits :( After he reached out after our 2nd breakup, I showed my love in our own ways , we both wanted to reconnect , but both were afraid to text 1st. Then he jumped into a rebound assuming I have left him for a word I shard, but I didnt leave him even I was broken. Then I explained calmly to him & went NC. So now he is reaching to me indirectly through his best friends (last month) & coming to see me & had eye contacts with me to heal my hurt ( last week). He is afraid to lose me, my love now as he realize I didnt do any wrong ,he was just impulsive. But he still didnt leave the rebound or msg / call me to reconnect . Y is that? Its 3 & half months for that rebound , may b in relief / dating / honeymoon stage :( Is it too hard for FA's turn around immediately when they start a rebound ? Should I continue my NC till he msg or share something about attachment styles /FA or about love on my social media? He likes when I does..

@Marauder-kd8zi 5 месяцев назад

I’m going through a breakup not sure if da or fa breakup was okay weeks later emotions hit me and I had to reach out and try to convince and make sure she’s okay to cause I cared about her as well and it only makes it worse avoiding conflict stonewalling etc when it really never had to be that hard in the first place when all you wanna do is fix things And then being told you still wanna connect and your sorry for blowing there phone up and she tells you to move on even tho you try to stay connected knowing you understand they want space so it’s sad how when it could easily be solved and worked out but they take it as you just care about yourself when in reality that’s not true and then before you know it they go through this whole phase and it may be to late it’s just sad and I’m in no contact hoping for another chance somehow way somehow

@JoeJoe-lo4bk 5 месяцев назад

It’s been 3 months of no contact with an FA, should I reach out or move on?

@manupasta 11 месяцев назад

What about rebound relationships? I left my ex and she didn’t want to work things out after. She got into a new relationship less than 2 months and already on vacation with him!

@johnperhach2534 2 месяца назад

Lol, My fa ex just got into a rebound with another dude with in a week of us officially ending and me moving out.

@clown5957 4 месяца назад

I'm the "on the other hand" side. To be honest, I genuinely think avoidants are childish and disrespectful. My ex GF is an avoidant. I'm not perfect, no one is but I treated her with respect. I usually always give her things such as celebrating special moments, presents, flowers and so on. Towards the end of last year was probably the lowest point of my life. I got laid off and I did not make money for around 4 months. I told her "I just got an amazing job but I will not receive my full salary for the next 1.5 month so I'm sorry if I cannot get you an expensive flower, expensive fine dining for valentine as well as expensive purse, expensive cake and expensive flower again for your birthday since I really need the money as my emergency fund at the moment. But I promise that when I have received my full salary in March, things can go back to normal". Her reply? well "I don't believe that I am dating a guy like you."

@tricky92x 9 месяцев назад

So, ultimately is giving an FA a second chance even worth it if they do reach back out?

@shanegraham7777 6 месяцев назад

If they want to work on themselves and show effort and improve and respect your boundaries why not

@tyboballard2108 11 месяцев назад

Can I get my ex back through helping her heal. Or do I need to simply let go.

@icecoldpool- 10 месяцев назад

it’s different for everybody bro i say try, cuz then at least u can say u tried it u miss 100% of the shots u dont take

@LD71685 3 месяца назад

Fa just broke my heart and blocked me…so…

@doseofdesi926 11 месяцев назад

Im a FA and when my bf and I have a break up I freak out and try to mend the relationship....even if I initiated the break up. So what does that mean. Im in no way indirect...Im direct direct direct

@danieleddie2873 11 месяцев назад

Guys i need advice. I have been dating avoidant for 4 months and after conversation about feelings, relationship etc, we decided to give it time and take it slow, then she started to distance herself, she was still in contact but was avoiding meeting up and was postponing dates for the whole month playing with my time. So I decided to say goodbye in a respectful way, she suggested to meet from time to time, but I said that im not interested in seeing each other once per 1/2 months and that she can reach out to me when she feels like she wants to renew our relation. Now I am in NC for over a week and she has upcoming birthday, should i break NC or just move on?

@danieleddie2873 11 месяцев назад

@@sunbeam9222 Thanks for the reply, well she actually really cares about birthday wishes etc., but yea you are right, I made it pretty clear so I will stick to that

@ml-qc6wb 11 месяцев назад

don't break NC. u made ur point clear. stick to ur boundaries.

@danieleddie2873 11 месяцев назад

@@ml-qc6wb Yea, I will keep NC for a while, but I might check in on her in a few months when I would have some time, thanks.

@shanegraham7777 6 месяцев назад

If you can detach and want to wish her a happy birthday if she responds say you wish her well and hope the best for her leave it at that

@saintultra2737 5 месяцев назад

Move on. Her brain isn’t normal. She will and cannot be good to you. Her programming is self-destructive and wired to punish people for having normal needs.

@duncanmac2195 5 месяцев назад

Most women move on quickly. Most men enjoy the time out. Relationships have become too much work and loyalty is rare.

@missionsoum1904 10 месяцев назад

Ive been 6 months with this girl, I had issues with drinking too much when I’m going out And I ended up beaten up, it Was a saturday night, we were supposed to go out sunday she came at my place and when she saw me, she was shocked (she had a father who was alcoholic and suffered a lot in her childhoood from this) I f**cked up so much… Wrote her à letter to apologize she answered coldy that I would never be thé man she would Share her Life with and no longer have feelings for me.. I am working so much on myself and love her so much.. do I have even a chance..?

@xxmorgsxx_3056 3 месяца назад

Shit dude Ive had a similar story My female ex FA... Haha just learned what you call this now after our recent 3rd breakup... Well I used to before I met her get into fights, didn't bother me happened from time to time, and like you she hated it said I was violent. Mind you, never towards a woman but if a guy started me and talking didn't resolve it I was.... My advice is if you want another chance and your going no contact... Stop drinking if you have a problem. Get an independent life good job, and your own place to live... Working out helped me feel good and look better. But that's just to have another shot, pick your battles when you address relationship problems and if she is a FA or DA learn what their needs are so they don't upset you at least And guide her to work on you both not just herself without smothering her dude

@xxmorgsxx_3056 3 месяца назад

Sorry for my hot take... Either way mate I wish you luck

@ScottH7651 11 месяцев назад

What percent of the population is FA? What percent over 40 and single are FA?

@robw7676 11 месяцев назад

I suspect their relationship history will readily out an un-healed 40+ FA - a string of 1-2 year failed relationships peppered with a few poor choices who hurt them, and few poor souls who loved them & got chewed up and spat out.

@MissSarahGM 11 месяцев назад

My ex, severe FA, 40, had never had real relationship before me, and it didn't last 6 months. Chewed up and spat out is a good description of how I felt used. He reached out several times after a year, but disappeared. It lacked accountability and clear intentions beyond nostalgia. I finally ignored.

@RitaP41 11 месяцев назад

It doesn't matter. There are plenty DAs who are Worse. Heal Yourself and find a person who's also willing to stick through the tough times.

@artix86 10 месяцев назад

Dan Siegel said that around 30% of children now have FA. It is higher now than before, but I do not remember what the figure was.

@user-mo5pz5sv5j 10 месяцев назад

Could this girl possibly speak ANY FASTER?? NO! I try to listen, however, she is barely able to catch her breath when she talks. She is talking so fast it is someone is bleeding out!! Trying to listen to her, makes me feel NERVOUS!!