HOW PARENTIFIED CHILDREN LEARN TO FAWN | DR. KIM SAGE 

You just described my childhood. I had to be a slave growing up in my toxic family. I finally had to go no contact to save my mental and physical health. I could never be enough or do enough. I am done!

It took me well into my 30’s to even begin to recognise that I’m allowed to have needs of my own and that doesn’t make me selfish. I was conditioned to have no needs. I finally accepted that I needed to start prioritising my own needs when I ended up in hospital with viral meningitis last year. It was the final wake up call for me.

Only just realised I’ve been doing this my entire 40 years since childhood. Wasted so many years being a people pleaser but I’m too scared of my parents even now to say no because they make me feel so guilty. I’m grieving a life lost.

I used to think my Freeze response was bad. But I've done a lot of emotional work and realized that I'm Freeze/Fawn type. My mom used to parentify and neglect me (which she denies), and still to this day I'll catch myself going "It's ok, I can wait. Let's just fix this other person's problem first."

So many of the skills I learned while being parentified are useful. My challenge is being aware of how and for who I use these skills. My motivation as a child was to defuse my mother's rage and to get some affection from my father, combined with the fantasy that one day they would acknowledge my efforts and return the favor. Of course, that NEVER happened, and in many of my relationships as an adult, I never got a return on my investment. What I'm learning today is that when I do these behaviors with healthy people, they return the favor, and I don't have to work so hard.

You have no idea how much this is me, I’m actually shocked to hear my life explained to me like this. I feel like I’m the poster child for this. Crazy 😳

I remember knowing that I was the "parent " at age 5. I played all the roles. Now my Mom has been gone for 5 years and I'm still struggling trying to truly find myself and not be everything for those around me. I miss my Mom all the time and sadly the security of knowing my role. I want to be a giving person but not at the expense of my physical and emotional health and finding that line is a struggle for me. These videos help and I appreciate you.

This video made me cry. It describes me 100%. I am going on 39 years old & just this past January, I started to see a therapist because I had a mental breakdown right near my birthday in November last year. I honestly felt like I went crazy. I grew up with an alcoholic/abusive father & my mother leaned on me for everything at a young age after they separated & her mom passed away. At the age of 19, I started to work as a CNA helping others. I never had any desire to work in the medical field so I see where the connection is. I have always put everyone's needs & feelings before my own. I people please & never say no like an idiot, which got me in situations I absolutely regret & wish I could undo. Once I started therapy, my therapist has opened my eyes to stuff I had no idea was even related to how I was feeling with anxiety & depression. I hope in time I will get better but honestly right now it's been a roller-coaster of emotions & some days I'm just hanging on.

5:34 you literally explained me, due to fawning from the age of 8. Now as a 19 year old I don't know what my values are the only thing I know is to not ask what I want and say I'm Ok.

I find myself getting angry when I do everything for everyone! Grrrr, now I know why. Thank you

I ended up being pressured into becoming an LPN, even though I never wanted to. Ugh. It's like you have a window into my psyche!!!! I even moved in with my parents at the ends of their lives to be their full-time caretaker. And, I'm beginning to learn who I am (at almost 54)!

My parents used me as their confidante and counsellor since i was 12. My Mother had me stand guard outside their marital bedroom same age as she feared marital rape with violence which transpired as i shook with fear not knowing what to do or how to rescue She even showed me the injuries the next day What horrific parental abuse of a 12 year old She turned up in my adult life sabotaging important appointments with a telegram saying she was desperate and desolate at the hands of my psychopath father It is hard not to chastise myself for falling for the gaslighting and abuse

I still find it a struggle to take care of myself. It is last thing to come to mind. I was a practical nurse most of my working life. I can't say I really wanted this, but the role was familiar, and I was good at it. I had no dreams for myself.

These are all so true! I have it so bad I really dread being around other people, it's exhausting and never fun for me. I have no sense of self.

I am currently having the experience of understanding who I am and what I want, getting to know myself after all of it . I went through therapy in winter and finally understood these aspects emotionally within myself. So now I am creating myself beyond the trauma, and discovering who I am

Thank you so much for this. I really needed these reminders. When my abusive parents divorced, they both married abusive people so essential I had to try and please 4 abusive parents. I'm still trying to figure out who I am.

Hearing this makes we want to dissociate. It is very overwhelming 😢 to hear all that I went through

Children of single parents may be at greater risk of fawning. As a single parent with a daughter, I'm conscious of the risk when she is involved in family decisions and really wants to be emotionally supportive and nurturing. I see that she does have a sense of identity and a lot of space to be a child, but she is more compassionate than a lot of other kids and accepting of her peers' mistreatment, which I have to coach her through. She spends a lot of time with the school therapist, pushing for solutions to all the social conflicts on the playground. She is more of an adult than other kids her age in terms of the conversations she can hold and leadership capacity. I think it's a combination of personality and environment. I think I'm doing alright because I want her to be healthy, am educated about the risks, and do my best.

I didn't realise until I was a hell of a lot older that we were like slaves as children and I have always said that my life ended when I was abused as a child your so right it's like you wasn't allowed to be a child and I didn't get food or drink if I said or done anything wrong or it was the other way round they tried to make me look like I was uncontrollable and that wasn't me I was so quiet as a kid was only allowed to speak when you was spoken to I didn't want my kids growing up with all the fights and arguments that I had so I treated them like adults but I done all the house work and made sure they had clean clothes and food and drink I was so desperate for them to grow up and be happy something that I wasn't as a kid

100% my life. I have no idea what I feel often. I’m mostly in touch with sadness and depression but numbed so much I have a hard time feeling joy or happiness. I also have felt like everyone else’s punching bag and now I have no clue sometimes on how to even begin to identify my own needs.

Thank you... finally someone understands and articulates all the feelings, emotions and fears into words that are powerful.. 🙏💜

My older sister was the closest thing I had to a parent until she started high school and stopped having much time, After which I had to parent myself. My sister still bends over backwards to 'help' my mum, tries to be everything to everyone, fails to look after herself properly, still has poor boundary skills and her life is turning into a minefield that will one day blow up and collapse around her. Her oldest is turning into a bit of a toxic manipulator because of this. The sad thing is, its so clear and obvious to me but she is still in denial and its her own kids who are been impacted because of her failure to recognize and deal with her problems appropriately. I can only hope her kids will one day be able to recognize and heal the same way I have.

This was definitely my childhood and fawning or fighting to protect my more vulnerable twin from my raging malignant narcissistic guardian. I think this explains why I seem to attract female friends who just want me to give empathy and listen and then dump all their baggage on me. I love caring and listening, but I think I hide my needs and avoid conflict, which shows them I don't need anything from the relationship. Then, my current friend goes off and hangs out with other people and gives them all of the positive aspects of the relationship, and im left forgotten about and drained. It definitely feels like a parent role. They want my love and empathy, but they don't give back. It's like perpetuating my caretaking role from childhood with friends. I wind up feeling so used. I'm trying to draw boundaries now with these relationships and be assertive.

It's a hard balance to find. Children need to embrace childhood and everything that comes with it. It's also the time to gradually learn how to be an adult.

This is literally my life. I was like husband to my mother while my father acted like child. It's like being middle child who gets ignored while we do everything. Didn't got respect the way my elder & useless sister got. All money my mother earn is spent on my sister and father. And when I even ask for minor thing she fights with me. So I kept my needs minimal. But now I'm sick of doing this roll and rebeling against my parents , they pushed every blame on me. So now I'm a black sheep of family. And can't wait to get away from them. But this fawn/freeze mentality will take some time to go but hopefully it happens soon.

English is not my first language and so.. i keep forgetting what this term means, but i know it apply to me. that's all i remember. but i keep forgetting. it sounds like a character from Narnia 😄 I remember trying to play my parents marriage therapist at the age of 10. My mother always manipulated my feelings to make her nr 1. my feelings didn't matter. it was always her feelings - but then when i would try to help she'd tell me that was not my responsibility and scold me. but she had been the one reeling me in and telling me all her troubles. and always being sad. she always gaslighted me and manipulated me and totally dismissed how i felt. even neglected my mental and physical health. she knew how much i was allergic to a food, but she would feed it to me all childhood. she saw me being in a mental hell, but didn't take me to the doctor or try to get me help. it was just my issue... she then later tell me she is so proud how i took my health in my own hands and sorry for neglecting me or not seeing it. but then would go on for another decade neglecting me 👌🙄

Very well broken down. So many people feeling pain and some able to feel validated as you read many comments . It depends on where each of us are on our healing journey to love ourselves , be kind to ourselves, and recognize that we count too. We deserve to live our lives that were stolen by parental abusive grooming and our parents creating a home of fear. I’m 70. I hope you have videos to reassure those still frozen in cellular pain that there is hope to nurture the people we were meant to be. We are warriors transcending whatever our story is or was. Our shield is practicing self love until we embrace it as our reality. Our self kindness is forgiving ourselves from the guilt and blame we kept in our beat me up song. Forget about forgiving the perpetrators. That beat me up song is the perpetrators theme song not ours. WE ARE MORE THAN SURVIVORS. WE ARE WARRIORS THAT WILL NEVER LET ANYONE ELSE HURT US AS WE WERE HURT AS CHILDREN THROUGHOUT ADULTHOOD. PEACE, LOVE, FREE OF FEAR TO ALL OF US. ❤❤❤

fawning since age 3

Sometimes I would slip back in to being a child again. Then I would apologize for that.

Wow, I could cry. This video is the story of my life. Everything you mentioned has been my experience. I’m a licensed therapist myself (the irony) and always thought my “super power” was being able yo empathize and help others. What I’m now realizing is that was birthed out of a place of trauma. I’m currently on a journey of recovery.

My childhood! I ignored my own needs until I became physically disabled. I was deeply enmeshed with my mother. My mother has been dead for more than 10 years but I’m still dealing with the fallout.

As an adult I had panic attacks and depression. It’s a hard way to learn who am I? One year therapy and now I am angry … I hope this will be better!

…nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me…🎼🎹 became my motto to live by…

Definitely both physically and emotionally parentified

My mother simply cancelled my childhood by the time she enrolled me in school. Born mid year, I could have gone to school a year earlier. When somebody asked her why send me to school late, so I ended up the oldest child in class? "So that she had one more year of childhood, because from now one its only duties". I could never accept that I was the only child in school, who was no longer a child. For sure I wasn't.

Please tell me how to break this pattern of pleasing. My mom would get extreemly angry or jealous. To make her happy with me as a child even I would willingly give up to her my things to avoid her verbal and emotional abuse. Here is the problem, in friendships and romantic relationships , every time that person is emotional upset I give them my things. When someone is an abusive person like my mom was I do it even more. I have given things away I did not want to give but felt compeled to. In romantic breakups I do this also. I know this is to please them and to get them to like me.

I appreciate your videos so much. This one really hits home for me!

My mother always said that I did such a good job taking care of my younger siblings and should be a nurse. RN here, and I've been on the inside of my mothers private life and a helper to everyone.

People pleasing

Goodness. This hits home. 🥺

my mother is a people pleaser and was never available to be my mother because of it. she would throw indulgent things at me but never able to see my needs or emotions or do anything about them. it’s sucks to be a people pleaser with no boundaries but it also sucks to be the child of one. she’s drawn by whatever or whenever she thinks she needs to be there for and because she prentified me telling me all about her abuse and problems for my earliest moment while completely unavailable to provide any emotional support to me.

Narcissist made me scapegoat. I experienced enmeshment and instrumental parentification by 10 caring for children up under me. I’m an empath and seen as sensitive. I tend to fawn for the narcissist. As soon as whatever or whoever makes narcissist mad I try to fix so she stops screaming and I’m ok. I would want to address an issue and avoided it because I knew it would make her mad and she wouldn’t acknowledge or apologize. There was time that I thought this close connection to the narcissist wasn’t healthy and was hindering/hurting me and my identity, it seemed I didn’t know what to do without her. I believe because I was emotionally neglected I was wanting affection and attention. Additionally, it’s seems she intentionally broke me because she wanted me to want her, I favored my father and it seems it made her feel funny this is the earliest sign of why she would treat me the way I was treated. She always showed favoritism for my sibling since she was favored by them. When my dad didn’t do stuff it made me so sad and she’d say that she admires the way my sibling wasn’t bothered by it, I was about 9/10 so they were about 4/5. I remember her saying stuff that made me feel funny and feel she favored my sibling more on multiple occasions, it stood out strongly but I shoot it off. Everything I experienced messed me up mentally. I feel for others and am unable to feel for myself. Who I was is what I’m not, it’s as if I lost identity and that traumatized me. I’ve lived my life for everybody except myself. I trusted the individual I’m suppose to then she intentionally did damage inside out. No contact for me means no family. Everything I’ve experienced is hard to handle. My breakdown made me seem stuff as it is and still seem to wonder what if I’m exaggerating the experience. She’s one way with me and another with everybody else and they act alike therefore they can’t see the stuff I see. This is stuff she was suppose to teach me and it’s what is tormenting me mentally. So many of the questions that you asked starting at 7:17 my answer is idk, it’s as if my mind is so shutdown.

Thank you Dr. Kim. I now realise how parentificatipn led me to fawning my whole life since childhood! ❤️🌼

Even in her 80s, my mom would tell me that I was like her parent.

I remember feeling somehow responsible for my parents happiness when I was a kid. After they divorced, I learned that my dad had a gambling problem and my mom was his codependent enabler. Then I realized my dad was abused himself growing up and developed narcissistic tendencies. Sad how this gets passed down from one generation to another.

I’ve always thought of myself as Saffy from Absolutely Fabulous 😢

Thank you… that was so enlightening!

Immensely helpful. Thank you!

Thank you!!

thank you so much Dr. Kim 🙏 have a great weekend!

This was helpful, thank you ❤

Your videos are unbelievable!

Made me cry.

Yep I just mirror what they wanted .. and now I need total space from them it's messy as shit

Thank you so much❤ Beautiful lady inside and out! 🙏❤

This explains EVERYTHING!😔

Excellent video

Thanks very much 🙏 Best wishes and regards.

Thank you for the videos and resources, very helpful

Thank you

Brilliant insights x

I didn't realize! I even went by the nickname Fawn :-O

Thank you for your videos, I am learning a lot from them, as well as your free course which I have completed.

Thank you for this video. It was very helpful and enlightening into my upbringing and as a child, I see a lot of myself in the video.

Thank you, you're so right about everything. Its so true. I had to do everything since I was ten by feeding my younger brother and sisters and taking care of them. when my mother was pregnant with her number five child. I had to take care of them all the time to I was in my twenties to they were old enough to do it on there own. My dad worked 2 jobs . My mother relies on everyone to always take care of her. She is lazy .

Ouch, thank you

🥰 exactly on point

Ahhhhhhhh!!!! How did you get into my head???

Oh I haven't experienced that

Dr Sage, how does a child who was actually used as a spouse sexually find themselves again? I am seventy years old, have had dozens of professionals try to fix me, read books, attended groups and still I fawn when threatened and expect to be used again. Thank you for the common sense you speak!

it's so sad

Never heard of it ?

Could stimming include the need to feel the resistance of textures against dry skin? Eg. chapped lips and wool or dry cuticles and even broken nails rubbed on some resistant textured material?

🙏🏾

❤❤❤

How can a child pay the bills?

❤🙏

You've hit bull's eye for me 🥲🥲🤌🏻