AVOIDANTS ARE TOO GOOD AT DATING 

One of the attachment theories I’ve heard is that the beginning stage of dating for an avoidant is when they’re able to finally express those repressed desires for romance and intimacy and connection that they’ve been stuffing down while they’ve been single, or during the later stages of their detached relationship with their prior ex etc. They finally get to indulge without those fears interfering…and then eventually the fears creep up again and their unconscious goes back into the cave of solitude and disables that part of their brain when it’s overwhelming. The avoidant you first meet in the early stage is the “real” person inside, uninhibited by the walls constructed by their trauma. It just can’t last without extensive self-work.

They can swim really well in the shallow end, but can’t swim in the deep end of relationships

Speaking as a recovering FA... I think this is a combination of people-pleasing and hypervigilance. And this is compounded by finding someone trustworthy. The dark side of this is when the people-pleasing turns to resentment and passive-aggresiveness, the hypervigilance turns to paranoia, and the mistrust core wound rears its ugly head with fears of betrayal. Which is why it's so important to become self-aware and do the work so as not to ruin a good thing. As Ken says in another short, the best love language is working on one's trauma.

They are called the Lovebomber Specialists.

They look so fresh and smiling. Not affected by life and relationships. There is a reason for it, they haven't invested or felt the everyday relationship. They don't look worn out. We just don't get this fact when we look at them, so we are impressed that someone "could look this happy at this age" (whatever age).

Aw great… “How was the first date?” “Amazing! I had such a wonderful time! He was so sexy and charming, he made me feel so special!” “RED FLAG”

The mirroring certain personalities part is 100% an issue I had with my last situation.

Its just the ability to observe and attune to whatever someone needs to make them happy. Learned from childhood as a way to quickly judge the state of a caregiver and know who they needed to be in order to survive. Anxious do the same. Its the fear of them knowing its not really them, and when you find out, you will leave.

Excellent at reading people and situations. My ex said to me once that my sisters marriage looked rocky n it was almost like a show that was getting put on. Then, about a year later, my sister opened up about her struggles. I was thinking how spot on she was.

So true... they have masks on

Most of these things are true but it's def done subconsciously. When something is ingrained in you from birth, you do it without even knowing you're doing it so while true, it's not malicious, at least not for me.

It really is intoxicating, to be assaulted with fun charm and quick attraction from this impressive and beautiful person. I even slowed things down to begin with which drove her crazy, but she actually loved the anticipation - I think avoidant attachers get exactly what they want, when they want it. Amazing daters, watching my DA ex interact with people was like poetry, almost immediately have the person charmed and allured. It never bothered me, so many people, (especially guys) would pat me on the back and almost congratulate me for being her partner - such a prized and loved person, like some beautiful creature putting everyone under a spell. I would be curious to know if she ever cheated on me, it would have been so easy and I know her life is riddled with men throwing themselves at her and trusted friends making moves🤔 …best not to know.

But is it real!?? Or is it just a performance?

Yep i mean, who else can just pick up a new random person within a few days? 😂

So hard when yor in love with them too, and I have a secure attachment style, which is the only way I think I've survived in this relationship of 18months with all the characteristics of DA, abrupt endings, minuscule intimacy but deep connection. I went no contact 3months, now their back open to therapy. Ken yor booked out, and were in Melbourne....reccomendations pleeeese of therapists who specialise w DA's.

Plus imo, the majority of singles above a certain age that is pretty good looking, have attachment issues. The other lookers are in healthy relationships by 35+. Which is why they get noticed more in the dating pool. But this is not proven science, just personal observation, but kind of logical if you think about it. Good looking people can get away with more for longer. And it is their best feature instead of personality...

yup, I can see this in the last person I dated who seduced me very effectively and then discarded me at the 3 month mark. It was also clear that there were a lot of corpses in her backyard.