Be careful who you pity. 

Pity is victim enabling. It reinforces victim hood and gives time and energy where it is wasted. Another helpful reminder of an essential boundary to keep the vampires at bay.

Michael Fox said "Pity is a benign form of abuse". Strong words but I agree it's pointless at best and often condescending at worst. Compassion in action. Not pity.

You so right!! Just on the title alone. The one u extended a hand, arm and leg to bc you felt pity, will most likely be that same person who knocks u down and smiles while telling u to get up yourself. While laughing bc u can't.

Reduce empathy for those who lack empathy! If you feel tested...walk away! Pity play by adults is always manipulation. If you feel icky then run as fast as you can. I married a perpetual victim and stayed for 25 years. He was really good at masking it...took me years to figure it out 100%. Once I saw it I couldn't unsee it as much as he tried to get me to unsee it. I always felt a little off but let it go...we all have habits and we can overlook. I won't be over looking ever again. Thanks to you Richard for helping me see the light 4 years ago! Everything you are saying is 100% true. I got ensnared. They will use your kids...they wl try to get you to open a business with them. So then they can annihilate you when you see through the mask! I am very high in trait consciousness! He knew it and took advantage. Self differentiation is how to get out of it and heal!

The funny thing is that empathy-deficient people will definitely notice when you cease feeling empathy towards them, and they will never connect the dots that they now are feeling the way they made you feel all along.

Transactional Analysis, Eric Berne said , Pity is a con. In my life, I remind myself that there is the Deadly sin of Pride, yes, Dante's worse, in over giving. Now I ask myself, if my giving is exploited can I live with this? Watch conscientiousness and AGREEABLENESS, dear people. I trusted a man that took everything. I was so proud of my kindness.

Spot on! The times I've done this ... You think you're being kind, helpful... And then you start to notice you're being exploited... Walk away before you become the victim!!! No, don't walk...RUN!

The phrase “Just don’t hand over your conscientiousness , be guarded” is excellent, it’s a good mantra..doesn’t mean you have to be unkind, just don’t open yourself up completely to be conned. 😁

I feel like this is so relevant right now. I'd go as far as to say some people's arrogance is leading them to shove their kindness and helpfulness down other people's throat. I see it on my local community page all the time. Recently someone jumped on the community page, taking it upon themselves to decide this local guy needed help. I think because he's a little different to the average person and he recently had cancer. Everyone then assumed this guy is unhappy and before you know a go fund page was set up. People raised thousands of dollars for him in a matter of hours. A few weeks later and the comments on the community page are starting to come out. Bagging him out because they haven't heard what he's done with the money. Calling him ungrateful and that he took the communities kindness for granted. It was seriously so fucked up and patronising. This guy was just minding his own business, living his own eccentric life. Didn't ask for anything from anyone. Next min he's got all these people at him because in truth they wanted to use him to feel good about themselves and it didn't go to plan. I feel like there's a lot of people out there who make kindness and helping others all about themselves.

So true. When I was very young, I bought into the sad story of a refugee man who appeared to be so charismatic and convinced me that he was a conscious rebel/fighter against injustice who was persecuted whereas in reality he was a full-blown narcissist. I was unaware of all this back them and took me three years to break the bond and many more years to recover. Beware as Richard said. The devil comes with the best of intentions!

Thanks Richard! I am always weary of people that i barely know telling me their sob story so quickly. To me it feels liike they are tring to set me up to excuse their behaviour.

This I needed to hear at 19. It's so right though and my toxic pity has gotten me into so much trouble and heart ache and attracted bad people to me. Now I've learned and people think I'm hard hearted. I still have impulse to do nice things that no one asked for. Like a lady at work (who started weeks ago) was saying how how she had no insurance and needed glasses and I came so close to saying I'd pay for her exam and glasses but I stopped myself. When I was a child it came from a genuine want to be kind and I had no idea it could be toxic.

Well said. I would add, beware of becoming known for being a good listener. That was something I once liked about myself. Experience has changed my thinking on that.

if people try to get pity from you and you give it to them, they start to use it as a long term manipulation tactic, and they get used to doing this and become very good at it

Also if you pity others you could end up pitying yourself

People actually help each other a lot and all the time without even thinking very much about it and this is why you can't see the trap at first. It is so natural to be human, isn't it🙂

The guilt trip is always the one that gets me. It is suspicious why someone would purposely leave with a last guilting sentence so you don’t abandon them. I realise it’s not my problem.

Falling for a guy like this now. He seems so sad and he's coping poorly through life. He perks up and seems genuinely happy when I'm around him. It's so hard not to fall into a God complex. Exact thing happened with my ex husband I felt bad for him and his terrible youth, and I changed his life and made him a better man so he said. Now I'm Satan because I got sick of being the savior and divorced him. It's so tempting because it appears like you actually are helping them and making their life better but it really is a trojan horse! People can only help themselves

Growing up, I confused pity for love. If I was ill, I would get pity and feel like I was worth my caretaker’s time and attention … several years ago I realized this was part of why I couldn’t maintain relationships. However, today I am horrified to see the actual dynamic on a whiteboard. No wonder life was so shitty the first 35 years of my life. Cheers to whatever I salvage from the carnage of abuse. I’m thankful for the progress and growth I am making, the proof is in the quality of my daily life 🍻

That is the story of my life. I see a bad acting person immediately as a hurt child. There is no re-mothering them. It's futile, but, I feel sorry for him, again and again.

Every scumbag I have dealt with uses claims of death or sickness in their family to get what they want or escape responsibility.

I love how Richard talks about the most overlooked, prevalent yet still very toxic, really important subjects 🔥🔥🔥 can’t wait

So true 100%.. I've been there and I pity lots of people and help them too much but the end of the day they stabbed me at the back until I cant get up by my own. Now they all are happily ever after destroyed my entire life. What a life..

This has been so relatable. When you don't even realize the pity of others has a price to pay. That got me in so much trouble in the past, when I thought that others share the same compassion and blindly believed that they would do no harm as I myself wouldn't.

“Oh but Richard, some Cluster B’s are really nice.” “NO! They’re NOT!”

Hence the term, no kindness goes unpunished. With pity comes resentment. Great advice as usual.

Sob story is also a "Tale of woe" in one if the bronty sisters novel's.

Energy vamps love pity

This is an Incredible teaching for anyone who has been conditioning to “help”/rescue/save/people. I was married to a rescuer and it ultimately ended my marriage. And this is a very tricky concept to be a rescuer because, especially in Christian circles, the person looks like a saint and everyone loves them! But little do they know that your relationship is eroding from the inside out. It’s a total split off in values. And it has the potential and probability of wrecking your finances. Be very careful. Excellent, Richard!!

You have nailed it! Spot on! Who are we to pity other people?! Pity is patronising. We are not God. We need to be alert, discerning and humble. Thank you so much.

People will try to secure your insecurities. Be careful.

Trojan horse is a really great analogy in relation to pity. And the drawing is way better than I coulda done. But then I can barely draw a stick person. 🤣

Absolutely true. My Father always said beware of people who cry poverty too!

It is exhausting to be a saint. So, always must check the intentions behind doing the good. And the degree of selflessness. Also, I recently discovered that setting boundaries helps others too. Both parts respond better to the reality, even with a tough way. Thank you, Mr. Grannon.

Yes. I got played a few times. My head was in a spin.... I should help them conflicted with a gut feeling that they were bad news. They were. Now I have learned to say "Good luck with that" when they give me the sob story and I walk away. Normal people don't want pity.

I got into a very destructive and narcissist relationship through the use of pity, the person demonstrated a vulnerable persona, sad and in an unhappy situation, it drew me in and I tried to make things better - what I got in return was the absolute opposite, I was love bombed, discarded, hoovered, it was a horrible experience that's a few years ago now though I've got the scars still. Yes, be careful whom you pity, it can end very badly!

Conscientiousness leaves holes in boundaries and defences that are easily exploited by Cluster B types. This video is so helpful, thanks Richard

The person I know, wants it. It's like soul hunting, this person wants money. Their soul is hunting you by trying to make you pity them. You end up giving them the money, you immediately see the true nature of the person. There is this smug, satisfied attitude in them. And you feel manipulated, because you were. If this type of person strangely wants to give you money, same thing. The money is a pay off so they don't have to give you a normal relationship. There are places to be kind, if it's right you feel good about it, warm inside. When I give and it's right...it was My idea..with no one hunting me for money.

Absolutely. This is the main reason why people burn themselves over and over again on dysfunctional family members who play victim... My narc father have traumabonded my mother this way.. She's blind to his behavior and enables the abuse by taking pity with him and his sob stories. Pity is the cause of traumabonding . Anyone who is trying to heal from abuse need to understand what you are talking about, because if they don't they will never learn to attract healthy human beings into their lives.

Thank you this is insightful. Recovering from a narcissistic marriage

Yes I've done that too many times. I end up getting done over. I have to step back and distance myself.

Firstly: Richard's face when he said "evil demonic eggs" lmao I think pity is us literally stepping out of our own lane, I have to help those that are in my own responsibility, myself, my children while they are minors, my adult friends and family's problems are not my responsibility outside of things that I can do without taking away from my own life's purpose/work and those I am responsible for (my children).

I’m bankrupt and homeless because my narcissistic drug addict husband (I’ve filed for divorce and I’m looking back in hindsight now) got my pity because I’m a good person. Whew this spoke volumes.

Richard Grannon is definitely one of my favorite people on Earth. He is intelligent and patient and incredibly helpful.

The pity was sneaking in when I saw you struggle to draw a Trojan Horse, but I caught it in its tracks.

Best and most useful insight ever. Wish I had learned this years ago, it would have saved me years of my life wasted. Not to mention a lot of money. Thank you so much

This is such a powerful Antidote! I struggle with auto accommodating. It's how I fawned, to try and not upset the apple cart. As young children in my family, "squeaky wheels" didn't get "greased", they got elbowed in the face. It's frustrating just how deeply ingrained this still is, for me! I'm so grateful for this!

Wondering if this toxic pity lecture will be about those who use pity as a form to manipulate and get out of situations... not be held accountable for their actions......

Guilty. This was brilliantly presented, thank you ♥️

Feel the empathy yes, sure, but exactly as this man says: In a healthy relationship, no matter the circumstances, there's hardly ever any reason to pity anyone. If your child ever pity you as a mother or father you should immediately observe the relationship you have. Also if you feel a need to be pitied, observe yourself. And absolutely take your next step in another direction to avoid anyone in need of your pity. Only if someone is hospitalized we can pity an adult. Who is this man he seems rather wise actually. Glad I stopped by 😃.

Richard, well said and I love your horse drawing!

Having been married to a man with BPD and yip the pity sob story too, I think pity enabled him 😢

I have no idea why i'm so fascinated by this subject as I'm not a narcissist nor am I married to one. But really fascinating how this subject touches upon lots of human conditions. RG is a fascinating bloke. Great stuff as always. I would love to see him branch out slightly and cover other philosophical stuff - if ever he was to run out of ideas, but I know he knows what he's doing. Maybe what I'm saying is it's his style of presentation that's the key. He could probably make the ingredients on a packet of crisps sound fascinating. (BTW I do know other words other than "fascinating", reading that back, honest :)

Richard! I’m a therapist and have a whole therapy about relational styles based around pity. Love to run it by you just to get it out in the world. We seem to OWE pity to people, whereas loving relationship is voluntary. If you’re ever interested, let me know.

Really love this title, I've seen exactly this pattern recently. Cluster b and psychopaths are so professional in mind games, even if you smart and aware about them, but If you are used to empathize with others, you don't even think about these dark plot twist.

This is good info...thank's Rich...🌻 Speaking from a woman's perspective (because I am one) I think we can tend to pity like boys have been told to toughen up...👍 This is good stuff...🙂

A really important lesson. It’s so easy for people to take advantage of others. They’re so sneaky.. hidden motives. Thank you for teaching us and making us wise. ❤

Brilliant lecture. I am learning to keep with my assessment. I am much less “helpful” than I was!

You’re killing it Richard! Your daily shorts, the live videos, the new course and the book! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. It’s helped me tremendously and your videos always give me really good stuff to think and journal about daily.

I needed to hear this when I was 22. All your words hit hard and you're so right.

So Glad u touched this subiect. Pity is the thing that destroied me in many narcisistic relationship. I always tought: " poor thing. No one will love this damaged soul. Maybe i should stay ... Maybe i will change something. "Now im damaged like they are. ..now i can hardly do the everyday stuff for me in my life.. And in the past i cater to them in any way. The irony.. Dont give them your all for healing. They will only damaged u even more.

Whilst I agree with your assessment, I think it negates one fact. Charity arises from feelings of pity, sympathy, compassion and so forth. Most people don't exploit these traits in others, and are quite often in need of help. It's almost as if you're saying to not be compassionate, which is a hyper vigilance that robs one of one's own peace of mind, since you're constantly on the lookout for the enemy. It might be an understandable response to cut off all aid as it were because you've been burnt, but that also causes one to cut off an essential part of being human, and that is being charitable. I think the right response is to look for repeated cycles of behaviour first. If you help someone and your help doesn't seem to affect any change in the one you're helping, then chances are you're being manipulated, or perhaps it's that they need more time to get back on their feet as it were. Either way, it's not always easy to tell who's swinging the lead and who's in genuine need of your help. Repeated assistance is one sign, but not in all cases. As in all things related to human interaction, nuance is key. Personally, although one can get hurt by being compassionate, I'd rather be manipulated or exploited than become hyper vigilantly cynical and thus purge all charity from my soul.

Of all places guard your heart. Remain vigilant and use discernment. Be wise as snake but innocent as dove . Whoa. Massive eye opener tx Richard!

Definitely true. I was caught up in this with a former girlfriend from high school whom I had tracked down after my last contact thirty-five years previously after being urged by another former high school friend with whom I had kept in touch. "Lucy" as I will call her was dependent on a sister who seemed to fit the narcissistic profile. Lucy had been unable to work and had been under the care of psychiatrists for bipolar disorder. The sister has paid for her therapy and the luxury condo in which she lives. For several years I listened to Lucy's long tales of woe, her suicidal impulses, the rages of her sister and her isolation. It was definitely my hubris to think I would not be affected by Lucy's toxic characteristics. As her calls became more frequent, more abusive and entitled, I broke the connection with her. Her demand for pity was as deep as outer space. Even her psychiatrist had told her bluntly that there was nothing more he could do for her. For various reasons I cannot recount here, she seems to have fit the histrionic personality disorder best. She would not even pick up her mail from the lobby without carefully putting on make-up and matching her clothes just right.

Wow so much wisdom in this video.

OMGoodness, Richard! So on point. Thank you. I had woefully succumbed to the feeling of pity for the eventually provened undeserving. I think my earlier experience with hard-core narcissists and subsequent escape helped me to realize and recognize what and how those other sad, little adult sobstories were attempting to suck my soul's resources and finances dry. Thank goodness it didn't take me long to end those little leeching associations. I've learned that I don't need anyone in my life who makes me question my own actions about what I do for them and/or makes me feel bad, troubled or confused. These are my red flag warnings that something is wrong and directing me to immediately walk away.

11:38 gold, "dont jump to an assumed action, just stay with the assessment" 12:36 gold, "dont hand over your consciousness to other people, when facing other problemed people, be guarded. Do not always try to be a savior.

Absolutely true! This is how we get tricked out of our savings accounts! It’s happened to me! Thank you for being straight forward. It makes understanding what seems to be so complicated to me so much easier.

I’m trying so hard to be more guarded with myself. I think I’m doing pretty well but I still try and catch myself sometimes if I notice I’m being sloppy

I read somewhere that a healthy mind doesn't seek pity.

Worked like a charm with me and I came riding on my white horse in shining armour

This is a brilliant video. Far too many times I've felt pity for somebody who is down on their luck, even when they've showed me before they simply take advantage. I do it because I'm a 'nice guy' and becuase of my codependent traits I think I can fix them and/or they will reciprocate my love/help/care/encouragement etc. They don't do they? They simply take advantage all over again & never stop. It's bloody 'hard to be hard' though isn't it? But thats the only way - give up on them, let them go, because it only brings misery, sadness and frustration into your life.

Thank you, just adjusting some story to the side the Goddess of Pita in Greek Mythology is the Goddess of Misery, her husband is the God of Wisdom. It's said they both walk together in the streets of ultimate freedom this for monks now give their bows of poverty in order to gain Wisdom. Also when Pita knocks the doors in the house, asking with pity, no one is to help, nor aid or it would drain you, or you would attract poverty. Another story, a short version, Charon in his ferry says to the newly dead whom have payed the ferry to not pay pity to the lost souls who sink in the river Styx. It has a spiritual value as well.

This is true! I've had to have all that restraint, self discipline and assessment. I have all those traits too... conscientious, empathetic, assessing and self disciplined and I've had to learn not to feel sorry for people's suffering and remain detached so that I don't act according to my own nature. It's hard sometimes bc I am quite fair and generous but I am much more careful now and usually treat people cordially only when dealing with them personally.

Thank you for this video! No one really talks about this but it's SO important. Nothing good ever comes from showing pity & it's how you get yourself & others into trouble. I've learned that lesson & so thankful that I did! Now life is much more manageable.

Richard your a great teacher passionate abt guiding others how to think critically.I learn ow to advocate for self at all levels. This should be taught in schools

This is an amazing nugget of gold that I am sending out to people! It now has clicked in my brain why I always felt anger and disgust at the idea of being pitied, or someone saying they felt sorry for me. Not a pride issue, just didn't want to be like my Sith lord sperm donor.

That’s interesting I’ve never regarded pity as anything other than something I definitely wouldn’t want- When I pity the abuser it’s a sign that they have lost their sense of humanity and all there is left to do is feel pity for them. It’s not a sign that I’ve left the back door open for a robber to sneak into my heart. It’s a sign that that person has lost absolutely every last scrap of self dignity and respect that I had left for them. Perhaps I’m using the word pity incorrectly? I don’t regard pity as feeling sorry for people I regard it as a sign that there is nothing else that one can do other than pity their existence since they themselves have neglected it. The pity of this kind would be a sense of sadness on my part that there is nothing more that can be done, I don’t like to think that people are beyond being able to change because it’s not good to think that. I also reject sympathy as being slimy and two-faced and definitely something that I wouldn’t want. I’m homeless so saying that really isn’t an idol comment. In addition to that empathy is the only one worth a damn and even then anyone who walks around calling themselves a self-proclaimed empath I, tend avoid in the same way that I would avoid someone who walked around proclaiming that they were the pope. What are your thoughts on this Richard?

Pity is dis-empowering & can also be used to keep ppl "beneath" the pity-er. It's one of the biggest currencies used by my dysfunctional family & I've seen it both sides - to gain pity/excuses/avoid accountability etc as well as to dominate / to put people down/ to trick them out of being empowered.

This is fabulous and couldn't have been more timely for me. Thank you kind sir.

love this video...this week I thought i was someomes saviour.. Now im realizing im not....He also has is own part to do....I will not be sorry for everyone anymore as we are all responsible for our own lives..i used to pity some guys...I NOW TAKE BACK MY POWER ;-)

Thank you for this. I could not get through to my aunts who were constantly reading stories on Go fund me website. They don't know these people but they just keep giving money away. It all started with a friend's adult son who died of a drug overdose. I felt bad for the family, but was not ready to open my pockets to someone who made such poor choices. They made me feel like such an jerk for not falling for this sap story and donating to the family. They had a hard life? So have I. Im not ODing on drugs and asking other people to pay my way so I can do drugs to escape my pain. I'm glad I'm not the only one suspicious of people when they are looking for pity.

My dad had a saying, "if you're looking for sympathy you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis".

Brilliant video when I meet people that fit profile, they tell me there sob story, when I give my empathy I always notice and look for the smile, they have a smile that says I've got you.

🌿🏝️ PEACE to you! Your videos are SO needed! 🏖️

I married someone like that from church. He was so damaging in every which way. We are now divorced but the rest he has his entourage still harassing me. His 2nd exwife, exfiance from the same church his married girlfriend, her friends, and the evil neighbor whom I don't even personally know, actualy none of them. I trust no one now. Not even the police.

So much truth in the details of this speech. One of the most precious ones. Thank you sincerely

I had a " friend " that I realized wasn't my friend when I became injured and was dealing with something and she started expressing " pity" to me so obviously and I was aware at that moment ... I was her friend enemy that she was keeping close for selfish reasons. .it felt terrible to be pitied. I distanced myself.

“Oh but they’re really nice!!” No they’re not! 😂😂😂 I’m dying. Fucking straight up tell it like it is full stop !

I get back to this video once in a while to remind myself of the right approach towards people like this. I find myself in this situation at the moment with family members and it is so hard for me to strike the right balance.

Reality is a friend mine💯

Only person on RU-vid who speaks complete sense ... Thank you for your time & effort

My narcissistic farther who was controlling through physical bullying when he was young had to change tactics when he became old. One day be came back from the Dr with a cancer scare. Turned out negative in the end. However, I'll never forget the look of pure pleasure on his face when he first got the news, he was so happy, talk of the town and attention from everyone very disappointed when the results came back negative. So pathetic!

I was taken in with lies, promise. He had a sad story, I fell. I will not mention the behaviors, this NPD has been prevalent my while life (nuclear family) Had I only known this my entire life. I am grateful, although a lot older, to FINALLY understand more this issue. Thanks, Richard!

This is so so so important.

You're Back! 💕💕 Awesome Presentation!

Why they never taught this in schools, ruined all my life cause of one wrong bity act, all career, all degrees, all youth vanished and still stuck.. In Syria they did not teach us this in schools.. I got it in a hard way.

I understand the concept here and I understand the need to protect oneself from toxic people but if your an empath (as I am) you can’t turn your empathy on & off. We are born this way. I have been manipulated many times and I do have trauma from being used and emotionally abused. But no matter how hard I try and tell myself “ this person’s problem is their problem, not mine to fix” I cannot pretend not to care. I don’t have the answers but good topic to ponder on.

My sister once told me that in many ways we are the person we needed as a child. So if what we needed was a loving, caring, protective parent, then we become the perfect target for these sad saps. They play to our weaknesses but we have to understand that they’re like fake roadkill lying in the street waiting for anyone to fall for it. We are not special because it was never personal. I picture the crying souls in the depths of Dante’s Inferno looking for anyone to grab onto.

Thank you, Richard, for keeping the collective enlightened! Blessings