Exactly and don't allow anyone to destroy your peace. . Except in very extreme circumstances, nobody has any power over you or your emotions that you did not give them. It's a matter of learning to take it back. Anyone can recover with the right mindset. It all starts with you deciding that you have had enough of feeling powerless, of feeling helpless. It starts with you deciding - choosing - to create a better life for yourself. It starts with you choosing you. It starts with the power of choice. Once we have accepted our power and understand that we have choices There is no way to have power over another person unless it is given. No adult can be controlled by another adult unless they let themselves be controlled. Not allowing narcissists to destroy your peace can be difficult; these people work overtime to cause problems, upset others and ruin your day. In fact, the whole thing is really about power and who has it. Narcissists want to feel powerful. They want to feel like they are controlling things. This is because they feel very weak and helpless inside. One of the ways they try to exert power and control over others is through emotions. They use guilt, anger and many other emotions to manipulate people. They purposely endeavor to upset, anger and hurt other people. They feel powerful when they can get someone to cry or get them angry or hoover them and get them to return to a relationship when they are being treated badly. They like that feeling of control they get because they don't feel like they have any. That's part of the reason they are so desperate to affect other people and work so hard to do so. They feel that others are controlling them, through their emotional reactions to the things people do and say, so they attempt to do the same thing to other people. They feel no responsibility for their own behavior. They believe that responsibility lies with other people. "Well, if you didn't do that, I wouldn't have to do this!" Aside from the fact that many times what they are accusing you of doing is false or greatly over-exaggerated, it is no one's fault that they reacted the way they did. The reaction is a choice. Narcissists do not seem to be able to understand this, probably because their feelings are so overwhelming and because they gave themselves permission - and were given permission by others - to act that way long ago. Think of someone who hits their spouse. It's always the spouse's fault. You provoked me, you pushed my buttons, you nagged me, you made me. That isn't true. They chose to react that way. Everyone chooses their reaction, in that situation or any other. How you react is always a choice. If you get angry, you can choose to lose your temper and hit someone, you can choose to scream and holler, you can choose to calmly discuss how you feel or you can choose to say nothing at all. It is no one else's fault if someone cannot control themselves or chooses to react the way they do. You might feel someone deserves to get punched in the mouth for something, but it's still your choice to do it or not. It isn't their fault that you chose that. They are to blame for their actions, not yours. You are not to blame for theirs, either. In our society, we often hear people say things like, "You made me so mad!" The truth is, no one is responsible for your feelings but you. Of course, the other person bears responsibility for the actions they took, but they are not responsible for your feelings. You are. Some people don't like to hear that, because they conclude that if we are all responsible for our own feelings, this means no one is responsible for doing hurtful things. This is not true. People are responsible for everything they have done. But that same action might not have resulted in the same reaction from somebody else. What you become enraged over or devastated by, someone else might laugh off. We react to things the way we do for our own reasons, and once we take ownership of that, people can no longer manipulate us using them. For example, let's say a pathologically narcissistic person is threatening suicide because they cannot have what they want. Whether real or contrived, this is manipulation. This is not an uncommon situation, unfortunately. In our example, the person gives in to the manipulation and gives the narcissistic person what they want. The question is, why? Now they might say, "I care about the narcissistic person and I was afraid. I don't want them to be hurt." That's understandable and undoubtedly true, but there are ways to ensure a person's safety that don't involve allowing an irrational person to control the situation using fear. If someone is suicidal, they are in crisis. It's an emergency. Most people would have called the authorities to come help their loved one. Others would have taken the person to the emergency room. The questions that person needs to ask themselves are, "Why did I not do those things? Why did I instead take the responsibility upon myself to control and fix the problem?" This is an extreme example, of course, but by looking at your own real-life situations in this way, you can challenge your thinking to understand what your own motivations are. The reasons behind the reasons, in other words . As another example, let's say a narcissist is raging and throwing accusations left and right because once again, they cannot have something they want. The message is very clear: "If you don't do what I want, you are cruel, hateful and you don't love me." In our example, the person gives in and gives the narcissist what they want. Again, the question is, why? They might say, "I want them to understand that I do love them and I'm not cruel." Again, understandable and true, but again, there are ways to deal with this that don't involve an irrational person calling the shots using fear. If someone believes that they are not loved because they cannot have what they want, they are irrational. If someone throws a tantrum and spews just awful, toxicity all over someone else because they are upset, they are abusive. Most people would not entertain that situation. They would leave or otherwise remove themselves from it. The question this person needs to ask themselves is, "Why did I not do that?" Again, this is a way to challenge your thinking to understand what your own motivations are. Narcissistic people use many tactics designed to force others into giving up the struggle because they know no other way to get their needs met. They are so insecure and dysfunctional that they must control everything or they feel powerless. Most of the tactics they use are manipulation, usually done through guilt, emotional blackmail, emotional strong-arming, suicidal threats, fearmongering, bullying, gaslighting, character assassination, projection, blame-shifting and many others. Though some pathologically narcissistic people may use physical force if necessary, if you'll notice, most of these tactics are emotional. This is actually a good thing. See, it isn't the narcissist themselves that is controlling or manipulating the victim. The narcissist is using the victim's own feelings to control and manipulate them. This is good because the narcissist isn't in control of your feelings. You are. If you can learn to get better control over them, the narcissist's ability to manipulate you disappears. This is how you stop giving your power away to the narcissists in your life. You take away their ability to control you through your emotions. This is not easy and no one is pretending that it is. But it's entirely possible, and once you can do it, you will find that your life is much more peaceful.
The first thing that is necessary to take your power back is to accept the situation as it is. This doesn't just go for dealing with narcissists or relationships, by the way. It goes for everything. A huge amount of the pain and stress that we as human beings experience in our lives is due to not wanting to accept the reality of how things are. We agonize over how we think things should be, or they way we would like them to be. This is understandable but it's pointless. Things are the way that they are. That's not to say we never work for change or to ascend our current circumstances but refusing to accept things the way they are is not how you get there. Stressing over not being able to control other people or situations is not how you get there, either. This is probably one of the biggest things people stress over: not being able to control other people and situations. Acceptance is realizing that you can only do what you can do. You only have control over yourself and your actions. That's all. Other people are going to do what they are going to do and that's all there is to it. They are going to think what they are going to think, they are going to believe what they are going to believe and there's nothing you can do about any of it except live your truth and be responsible for your own behavior. Everything else is out of your control, and it's important to accept that. There is no point in stressing over things you cannot change. This includes the past, it includes the present and it includes the future. oncer you accept the situation for what it is and stop trying to control or fix it, then you can start letting go of the responsibility you feel to do these things. It is not your job to save the world. It is not your job to save other people. It is not your job to right the wrongs of other people, or protect them from themselves. It is not your job. It's not your place, it's not your responsibility, it's not your job. People have to live their own lives. They have to be responsible for their own actions and the consequence of those actions. If the consequences are negative, then they are. That's how humans learn. A person who is not being allowed to face consequences is a person who is not being permitted to learn. This is one of the reasons why spoiling a child is abuse. It's harmful to their development as a whole and functioning person. So if you really want to help, stop helping. This is the key to disarming the narcissist and taking their power over you away. They cannot affect you if you don't let them. This sounds trite, but it is 100% the truth. For example, let's say the narcissist in your life always uses a certain event or subject that you react badly to cause problems. What would happen if you stopped reacting badly to it? What would happen if instead of screaming and hollering or crying or getting defensive you just ignored it? Or simply looked at them and said, "You're entitled to your opinion"? What if no matter how long they fussed and hollered or what they said, you just didn't react? Didn't defend yourself, didn't get emotional, didn't do any of the things they are counting on? How can they cause a problem if you don't play along? This is the key. Every relationship is a two-way street. They can't play the game by themselves. You have to play, too. If you stop playing, there is no game. It's just one person who eventually ends up looking silly. This can be very hard to do at first, but it is so worth it in the end. The drama stops when you stop participating in it. THEY may still be dramatic, but you won't be, and the stress caused by trying to convince this person that they are wrong, and that you're not evil, or that no one is out to get them or whatever other crazy thing is gone. The hardest part is probably to accept that they are not causing this reaction in you. Remember the abusive spouse analogy: it's a choice. You don't have to play along. You don't have to get emotional. Their opinion is their opinion and that's all it is. In reality, it literally means nothing. Sometimes it can be difficult not to react, especially when they are doing things that involve your children or your finances and things like that. In those situations, you can leave the relationship, you can make a record of the incidents with your children and show the judge if you already are divorced, you can lock them out of your bank account if they are stealing from you or separate your finances, you can do whatever you need to do to get the crazy out of your life but letting it ruin your peace is not going to change anything. It's only going to make you more miserable. Nothing you can do is going to make this person something different than what they are. They don't have a choice. But you do. You can choose to take the power back from them. It needs to be said here that people often say if they stop reacting, the narcissist escalates. That's right, many times they do. They are looking for that reaction. If this person is becoming violent, if they are breaking things, if they are out of control, call the police or leave as soon as you can. You could stay with a friend or family, there are shelters, safe houses, there are programs... Putting up with abuse to prevent worse abuse is no way to live. Narcissists are very good at distraction. It's often a large part of their appeal for people - at least initially, until out inability to focus on ourselves becomes too detrimental. Narcissists take our focus off of ourselves and the feelings ad problems we don't want (or dont know how to) deal with, because there is no energy or time to deal with anything but them and their problems.
Then figure out what inside of you creates this belief. Deconstruct it , peel it off just like an onion and question why do you believe and feel like that. For every layer discovered, ask: is this true? Is this really true?
💯 It always annoys me when my ex asks me if I'm happy. I've told him a million times, happiness comes and goes. It's peace and contentment that I aim for.
I had an ex that was insistent on the same issue. He demanded that I took a series of antidepressants, mood stabilizers and anti convulsants after my emotionally abusive parent died. He was angry at my trauma and publicly shamed me. Now I realize that I was experiencing CPTSD and he was most likely in the cluster b spectrum himself and we most likely shared a trauma bond. His brain couldn’t grasp meds don’t make you ‘happy’, they just dull you into a sad submissive state so that you don’t burden others or act out. I may not be ‘happy’, but damn am I thankful that he is an ex in the rear view Morrison and I grew up. 😂 He can spread some of his joy to someone else. 😜
He was inherently selfish - wanted to believe he was making you happy and insecurity told him he wasn't so wanted to force you into outward "happiness" to satisfy his ego. People can't help being like that but need to work on overcoming such 'issues' nonetheless
Any sickness, any disorder, anything that is out there it is your creation, desire, to be happy, loved, sad, broken, all mistakes you see and all gold you see... all that is = is you No person influence you no shit given to you but you, you allow it, you give it attention and program it in you, there is nothing else but you and you equals all... I am thankful to Richard because there is so much gold to replace of all bullshit what WE all carry within us since our childhood...self forgiveness and peace is start point because If you dont have any pain or you are not going through any trauma or being a victim you would not be here...understand your ego and yourself, much love share love
I am a therapist and ALWAYS drive home the idea of purpose. Self love; In The Service of others; and Gratitude are the only roads I know to true contentment and peace. Thank you for this thoughtful and important video.
“And a man sat alone drenched in deep sadness. And all the animals drew near to him and said: We do not like to see you so sad… Ask us for whatever you wish and you shall have it. The man said: I want to have good sight. The vulture replied: You shall have mine. The man said: I want to be strong. The jaguar replied: You shall be strong like me. The man said: I long to learn the secrets of the earth. The serpent replied: I will show them to you. And so it went with all of the animals. And when the man had all the gifts that they could give…..he left. Then the owl said to the other animals: Now the man knows much and is able to do many things….Suddenly I am scared. The deer said: The man has all that he needs now his sadness will stop.. But the owl replied : No….I saw a hole in the man…deep like a hunger he will never fill. It is what makes him sad and what makes him want. He will go on taking and taking…. Until one day the world will say: I am no more and I have nothing left to give.” - Mayan Proverb "I want to be happy" and "I am happy" cannot coexist within the mind of man.
I have used ‘peace’ and ‘purpose’ as markers for most of my life (age15 I became a Christian). After separation (then divorce) from a long marriage, I realized that ‘sanity’ and ‘safety’ are just as important! I like that he has added ‘contentment’, as well. This is good advice!
Happiness is waking up in the morning and being grateful for a new day and for being alive. It is appreciating everything that you have and all who are in and part of your life.
I have a problem with this, as some of us aren't grateful for being alive, alive just happened and I am. Many of us aren't jubilant or feeling content when the new day dawn's and feel it as a burden.
@@Daneiladams555 I don't think you understand, as I said, some of us aren't grateful for the life imposition, it just happened and then we came into existence.
In order not to become entitled or bitter, I remind myself daily that we all live out different Karma and Dharma it’s not my business to envy the blessing of others or rage over the opportunities that I lack. Learning astrology has actually helped explain a lot of my struggles. I have some serious squares and outer planet issues to work through. I think that we agree to certain struggles each incarnation, and if we check out early or refuse to work out our issues they will endlessly return. I’ve also let go of a lot of sentimentality and consumerism. It’s not worth living a debt slave for a bunch of crap that will break within a few years. I work a two low wage jobs, and now I ask myself ‘how many hours of degrading work will it take to pay this off?’ That mental switch stopped my compulsive buying immediately. I also ask myself ‘how many beings were harmed making the item.’? Can I justify the impact to the environment or people’s/childrens’ well being.
To anyone that might be reading this, I wish that whatever is hurting you or whatever you are constantly stressing about gets better. I wanted to give some positivity out to anyone that might need it. May the dark thoughts, the overthinking, the doubt exit your mind right now. May clarity replace confusion. May peace and calmness fill your life... even tho current times are challenging and some of you might go through tough times now I sincerely wish everyone that happiness enters your hearts and let all the stress and sadness vanish out of your life...as you know nothing in life is ever easy, but what's important is that you keep going! you're worthy of love and happiness, never allow anyone to tell you otherwise! It can be extra hard sometimes but stay strong and hang in there, your life matters, no one can replace you, I'm thankful you're born and I'm sure your struggles will pass soon! I wish all of you plenty of health and strength during any current tough times you face. Remember you are strong, you got this! never forget that! sending much love over towards all of you, May god or what ever you might believe in bless you the way you need it to! ♥️🌟
I see happiness in the giggles of a child! I see happiness in appreciation, cumulous clouds on a chilly fall day! Appreciation, gratitude, happiness... True sense vs. false sense. Yes!
I’ve grown to tell myself… When have I always been the happiest 🤔with friends some family sharing a bit of food. Honestly if I have these my surroundings really don’t matter things don’t matter I’ve had a lot in life but I’ve also had absolutely nothing….. how can you want more if your not happy with what you have at the time? But the friends the family the food shared has always brought happiness. You could have it all or nothing but without connection to me it’s all the same . 🤷🏼♀️
You’re knowledge & wise words are helping me wake up from the toxicity I was consuming. I fell again but it’s ok I will dust myself off & keep it pushing. Women know how to manipulate you very good if you let them. Don’t let them know to much & once you see red flags… run
The late great Frank Herbert had a similar view on “freedom.” “Seek freedom and become a captive to your desires. Seek discipline and find your freedom.”
Huh? I'm so confused by this debate. I always thought the pursuit of happiness was like the pursuit of success where it is up to the individual to define for themselves. I always defined happiness as a state of being where I feel whole, free, resilient, fulfilled, connected and useful. And I also think that to get closer to that state, I need to have gratitude. I also agree that trying being in a happy mood all the time or constantly chasing down euphoria is silly. I also feel like happiness requires an ongoing process. It's not just a destination. That's what happiness means to me. I always thought that everyone else also had their own meaning of happiness that they are working towards. I feel like we're splitting hairs.
I’ve been finding myself taking spontaneous meditation 🧘 breaks…. in the middle of the day.. it’s So restorative.. It’s easy to get burnt out in the direct pursuit of happiness and excitement…. but not so much with meditation and gratitude…. More genuine ‘feel goods’ I think.. :)
Yes. I like to practice this when out with my dog first thing in the morning. Alone. No distractions except for the ambient sounds , grateful to be able to hear , smell, walk, move, see, listen to you 🙂. Grateful for my thinking brain and knowing that I keep moving forward and learning. TY for your guidance and knowledge
Perpetual failure by setting the bar to something indefinable... this is the status quo of borderline. Like when life improves and I start to feel uplifted, "happy" then the borderline lack of boundaries starts to fill life with so many more tasks, more goals, more higher goals. The state of being never good enough.
Purpose is everything. A reason to live. Possessions will just drag you down; they will end up owning you (cleaning/maintenance/repair/replacement) and distracts from your purpose.
Taking pleasure in little things. When i was a young mental patient in suicidal depression, happiness seemed out of the question. Over the decades, recognizing the flashback underlying (my) depression, it became possible to take pleasure in little things, "the moment", even when in the jaws of the flashback. Gratitude, paradoxically, developed from tragedy, although sometimes anger eclipses gratitude. Happiness seems like a form of insanity🤣 There's good crazy & bad crazy, we might as well gravitate to the good. I feel sanity was amputated out of me. Then again, i notice some folks who are patently insane. And they think they're fine! I don't have that problem, i know i'm not fine. There's a musical in which the hero, in love with a beautiful bimbo, says "We shall never know happiness", the bimbo replies "We shall have to learn to be happy without it"
I know this! It took me 3 decades and several transformations and over the last 4-5 years practicing being grateful and positive and giving to others my life is about untapped potential and becoming the best person I can make myself.
Lolol! When your laughing, like your diaphragm jumps , that’s happy. Same ironically as sobbing. Just choose where you want to bounce back and forth from. For me now, it’s like 4-6, because I am tired. No need for the 10 if it comes with the 0 swing. When I’m in the peace and sanity zone, I do feel like I’m just kinda restoring so I can go be crazy again. But for now, I’m just truly grateful for my pillow.
Great points. The suffering is created by unfulfilled cravings (basically dopamine driven) but the antidote is gratitude (serotonin driven). that's so obvious in both anxiety and depression even though other factors are involved there.
This is great 👍 excellent topic. Okay so on my death bed I could have number of final thoughts. 1. "I was happy every day regardless of my circumstances or who I hurt or was hurt by. And I don't really care, because I had fun! Not sure what it all meant, but boy what a great ride! 2. I chased after anything I thought could make me happy even a little bit even for just a brief moment even if it lead to decades of misery afterwards but at least I tried to be happy. I hurt a lot of people and I let a lot of other people hurt me in trying to chase my happiness. I never found happiness and now I'm dying. What the hell? Darn that's probably where I'm going now isn't it... 3. I decided that if I couldn't be happy no one else could be either and I enjoyed making others as miserable as I felt and I have no remorse for my actions. 4. I arrived at the conclusion to live my life with purpose and look for a win in every loss I incurred. I was not always happy, and I was not always sad. But I don't measure my life by how happy I was or wasn't. I experienced pain and that gave me insights into the human experience that I would never trade for a million happy days.
It seems to be very very common among narcissistic Personalities in general to ignore things in the hope that they're just going to go away. it also seems to explain a lot about how these personalities generally cope with lifem in a very real sense they don't. Now of course avoiding problems is not something that only narcissists do, but these particular personalities seem to have a lot more trouble just coping with basic daily life than most people realize. Probably because they can be very good at hiding it. Being wrong has very high stakes for them. The very thought that they could be wrong about something seems to trigger an almost frantic need to insist that they're not and to hang on to that no matter what. The toxic shame that they are always battling notwithstanding there doesn't seem to be the psychological flexibility to deviate very easily from a mindset or a course of action and there doesn't seem to be much of an ability to face things head on in any capacity anyway so they often avoid and ignore things as much as possible, even to the point of sabotaging themselves and creating very negative consequences in their own lives. This is true even in situations where the solution to a problem is something very simple such as making a phone call or filling out a form. We could say that narcissists ignore problems because they don't care and obviously in some cases or in all cases on some level that's true. However they often seem to be extremely stressed out about these problems and very concerned about the consequences. There seems to be a deep feeling of powerlessness and a disconnect for these personalities like a child "there's nothing can do about this" "I have no power" "I don't know what to do about this" "this is somebody else's job instead" hey rely on magical thinking and hoping that things will turn out the way they want as well as trying to manipulate others to affect the world on their behalf. This is where their feelings of having power and agency upon the world have to come from, because they don't seem to understand that they have any on their own. If you've ever seen a baby in a high chair deliberately throw something then the mother picks it up and hands it back only for the baby to throw it again and scream for the mother to give it back to them so they can throw it again and make her pick it up again you have an idea of how and why this works. The baby feels Mastery and agency over the world through their ability to induce the mother to do something that they can't do for themselves. Adult narcissists don't seem to operate much differently from that. this childish powerlessness may also help explain why so many seem unable to connect their actions to consequences. They don't seem to believe they have power to affect the world in any real way. It's as if they believe their actions don't count somehow or that they happen in a vacuum affecting no one including themselves. This may be part of the reason why they lash out so extremely/ It's an attempt to affect the world that they inhabit. Similar to a small child who feels no real responsibility for their actions because they see themselves as simple at the mercy of the actions and the decisions of other people. They don't act they react. As much difficulty as they are likely having given these issues, narcissists can be very very good at hiding these things. Chances are you won't see fear or Panic very much regardless of how much of it there might actually be. It's much more common to see anger, arrogance, aggression, entitlement, self-righteousness, indifference. these are "safe" expressions of emotions that do not appear or feel weak. Most narcissists despise and fear what they perceive as weakness, especially in themselves. It's sadly ironic because in their Panic not to seem weak, their weaknesses become obvious. For example someone who can't take even constructive criticism or who will not change course even in the face of total failure has not really come across as strong or confident. Narcissists often appear to care a lot about any unpleasant consequences they might incur but true to form they don't seem to understand or believe their own actions play any part in the situation at all. They Endeavor instead to change the consequences for their behavior instead of the behavior itself. It's as if once again they believe they have no power in this situation, it all belongs to other people. If I change what I'm doing that's not going to fix anything I need to change what other people are doing. If that's not successful they appear to be unable to see how to avoid the consequences they don't want so they simply avoid facing or dealing with them. If it is at all possible we can say that this is because they simply don't want to change their behavior and that would definitely be true in many situations, but in some ways it's too simple of an answer. Many times the situation has grown out of something really small or that's not even important to the narcissist. So why such resistance to doing something different why the almost delusional refusal to believe that their behavior has anything to do with the consequences they're facing in their lives? wh y simply keep creating these self-sabotaging situations over and over again to say that they don't care about that is not really true regard regardless of what they say. They often seem to at least superficially recognize the impact the consequences will have on them or their lives and they care very much, they still do not take action if all of their attempts to alter the consequences or manipulate others to intercede on their behalf fail. Many narcissists fall back onto indifference they just stop caring. it's as if for some of them not caring is an almost desperate defense mechanism against the fear and the confusion created by a fundamental inability to function even. basically as an adult person instead of learning how they simply give up and get through life as best they can which is often not very well at all. the truth is they might not even know why they didn't take care of it these personalities are very disconnected from themselves and the real world in general, Many narcissists simply walk around in large part just reacting to their feelings without very much thought for what they're doing or not doing at all. There are of course some who are super responsible when it comes to the general nuts and bolts type of tasks in life, but in general we find that relying on pathologically narcissistic people to take care of things that are important is a mistake. Even those that are super responsible May ignore and avoid things that they don't want to deal with, regardless of the consequences. if you're going to be in a situation where you have to rely on them it's probably better for you to either do it yourself or find someone else who will. Ironically though this may upset the narcissist because they don't like the idea that you're implying they've done something wrong or they didn't do something and now somebody else has to do it but after their tantrum they're still not going to be any more reliable or responsible, Narcissists simply cannot face emotional issues in any way no matter what and the consequences of facing. Something emotional that they've failed at are bigger for them in the moment than the consequence of not facing it.
I was taught the concept of happiness as a type of alchemy (in the metaphysical sense). You learn to create the energy inside of you and project it outwards. Not the other way around. If you rely on external sources of happiness, you will struggle when life isn't going well. In those times where there is nothing to be thankful for, being able to create that raw energy yourself can be the only thing that keeps you alive.
Giving myself regular healing is my piece of happiness,I no longer chase after things that aren't going to manifest,its best to be realistic and know your limit
I read “Happiness is a Choice” by Barry Neil Kaufman over 20 years ago, and it had a significant effect on me. But then it never occurred to me it should be an everlasting ideal. Sometimes I am happy and sometimes sad. But I always feel joy beneath it all so I know that it is doable.
I changed my reaction to others who may have the power to hurt my feelings. I've grown to have no expectations of anyone but myself. I've pulled away from those who show no concern or sincere interest in me as a person. I'm more grounded because of this. Focusing on "self" all of the time can never make you happy.
To me, happiness is an abstract concept. I always wanted to be happy but never knew what it meant. Mostly, people associate happiness with a state of elation or satisfaction, and this state can be acquired in many ways (natural and artificial). It's all very elusive, depends on too many factors. When I look back at some past events, having verified myself and the people around me in particular situations, I can say: "ok, it was a TRULY happy time, and I was happy then". Otherwise, I never know if I'm not falling prey to some total illusion. So, I've stopped chasing the state of bliss. Gratitude, yes. Being grateful helps appreciate everything and, consequently, brings happiness.
I like Wim Hof's saying that we can be 'healthy, strong and happy' and that is our right as human beings. Being happy is about being loved and loving oneself and being able to love back. That's what happiness flows from - love, not things. It is really hard to be all three and requires a lifelong pursuit of it. Keeping the body healthy and strong requires discipline and then navigating what love is and developing it, is also incredibly hard. To love requires courage - something many of us don't have enough of. It's easier to buy something than love another human being.
i am sensitive to whether i feel a heaviness or not . thats my indicator for something being out of whack or not .the lighter i feel the better i am as a human being . i'm not talking detachment but a clarity and if you were to ask me where i feel a heaviness or lightness it would be behind the eyes or in the stomach area.
Richard, this is one of your best messages. It is full of immediate actions one can take as well as common sense . Love the clarity on Buddhism philosophy. I watch both you and Sam regularly and have much "gratitude" for the insights I receive from both of you. Thank you!
I've heard it said that you can't pursue happiness. You can pursue pleasure, but happiness has to ENSUE. Also I've heard if you're not grateful for what you have, you're not likely to be grateful for what you get. Great video!! Peace!
Ahhh...so glad I surrendered my life to Jesus. I spent 37 years trying to create my own peace and fulfillment but couldn't shake that dark void until I was freed from my sin and oppressive darkness and lies.
To me, being set free from sin through the faith of Christ means being set free from the Spiritual consequences of sin. In other words, we are no longer cut off from a deep connection to God the Father through the Son. Are there consequences to 'sin' while we live NOW, in our sinful flesh, and in the World? Yes, of course, there are. Broken laws, broken relationships, broken hearts. Faith. It's the faithing that is the real test we must grapple with, the "working" of faith, especially after tremendous losses and constant changes happening all around us. My 'sin' is taken care of. All this change, and ludicrous laws happening so quickly, is not good. It breaks people. Good people. 'They' know this. Fulfillment? We are under attack. Fulfillment and peace is a week without headlines, and pretending you still live in the past, playing your favorite music from the 80's and 90's, and dancing, or keeping the yard up pretty. Lol. Or, maybe it means helping the homeless with blankets and coats and clean socks and shoes. I don't know. I'm suffering through unimaginable grief from the sudden death of a close loved one and I'm just trying to find Step 2. Sometimes we are called to Suffer, like many other followers of Christ/disciples have. I just know I never feel better than after I've done something for someone else, a stranger. A "working" of faith and love.
You are happy when you don't have physical pain or mental pain (illness)..and when those you love are pain and illness free... You don't feel happy ...put one size smaller shoes on and walk to town.... Immmiditatly you'll realise how happy you were prior to that.😆 But yes purpose, have a direction, make your life count and be grateful.
I once heard a definition of happiness that I thought was worth striving for. It was "Happiness is a state of love. Whether it is loving yourself, another person or just being alive itself." It resonated with me. To me, real love is a warm, quiet, full feeling. It is very different from the giddy feeling that is evoked by love bombing. I have started to term that giddy, excited feeling" addiction high". And I guess it's the kind of high that also comes with consumerism. But that is not happiness.
On point.🎯 This socially decreed marketing event for mandatory happiness usually only shows you what you are not, what you probably won't achieve unless you can - somehow - buy it. I'd rather take care of myself. At least I know where I'm at. Because I can breathe myself. I can focus myself. I can align me with my goals,myself..
I’ve read other’s comments and it looks like I am alone but I am grateful to find Richard’s channels as I share a very similar life experience with him. We both were on the receiving end of a narcissistic toxic relationship and abuse. I knew that many things were not right only I didn’t know the name of them.
This is absolutely 💯 on point 👌. For a while I'd stopped listening to Richard and doubting him but I'm starting to listen to him again in a totally different light.... A psychotherapist once asked me what do you want out of life? What would make you 'HAPPY'? I said 'inner peace'. Happiness is a social construct. Peace is sanity! Namaste 🙏
To feel contentment: Connect with source/universe/Mother Earth/God … Realise you’re an important part of it all. So you have a purpose to be alive and feel loved by this creation. Give your sadness/ longing to the universe to dissolve it and be replaced by unconditional love. Connect to the universal energy and let it tell you, you are here, worthy and loved because we are part of it and belong. Sounds a bit hippy but in my experience this is the only way I’ve felt contentment through this meditation.
You are so right! Peace and sanity has to come from within, there can still be peace in a battlefield. Learnt this from living with a narc and 2 of his enabling adult children for so many years
The biggest lesson I've learned so far. The craving starts so ridiculously young when you feel like a burden as a child. Finding a clear consistent purpose and learning to appreciate challenges again--this will go a long way with settling my own soul down. Sounds funny and maybe too poetic but restless soul syndrone is a thing at least with me...🙃
How you manifest your dreams/desires, the Journey of what you like and what you don’t like begins with eliminating what you don’t like. If you manipulate others and hold a hidden agenda when you make it to the top of the Proverbial mountain, will find yourself alone empty divorced and toxic. With purpose, collaboration with others, laughter at the foolish oops to right, to look in the eyes of another and see the reflection of their love, appreciation and adoration… check in… what you feel at that moment is pure happiness, and only your mind can talk you out if it. I have found when you make yourself your own best friend can you love yourself. When this self mastery is obtained the fullness of feeling grateful, of inspiration and the availability to move beyond the trap of 3D illusion holding your Sovereignty can you easily enjoy The good the bad the ugly as equal all lower thought forms of greed envy jealousy revenge regret remorse disillusionment despair and a plethora of all lower vibrations disappear as you hold a state of grace or unconditional love or fiveD reality. This in the human evolution is what is required of us at this moment. @Richardgrannon purpose is a great starting point.
This was unbelievably helpful and just what i needed today, ive been upset because my ex left me saying i dont make him happy. But is another person responsible for your happiness? And are we chasing something we cant even define? Okay I didn't make him happy but what is that? I cared for him, cooked and cleaned, was interested and encouraging in his life goals, supported him financially when his business took dips, gave him sex any time he wanted. Listened to him anytime he wanted to speak. He on the other hand wouldnt even ask me how my day was, and was critical of everything i did. I think if he had practised some gratitude, he'd have realised his life was pretty content, and the issues he was creating were the expectations of what he should have and where he should be in life.
Chasing happiness focuses you on the future not in “the now”. Contentment is focused on the now… so is the purpose that you mentioned… because it infers action now towards goals based on core values. I’m settling for contentment in my purpose :-)
Totally. Happiness is not something you find. Happiness is something you create by being open to it and breaking negative thinking patterns. True happiness comes from within, from self-love and self-worth. For a good example of unhappiness we can look at narcissists. They are generally not happy people. It would probably be fair to say that most narcissists don't even know what real happiness is. Now of course, there are many people of all types who don't know what true happiness is, but unlike pathologically narcissistic people, they probably at least have the capacity for happiness, even if they've not tapped into it yet. It is questionable whether narcissists even have the capacity for happiness at all. More than likely, many do not. To the narcissist, "happiness" would probably be described not as the presence of a feeling, but rather as the absence of a feeling. If they are not feeling worthless, then they are feeling happy. If they are not feeling angry, then they are happy. Their understanding of emotion is often very poor, as is their expression of emotion and many times when asked, they cannot describe their feelings beyond basic language: sad, mad, bad. Their interpretation of happiness then could perhaps better be described as "not-mad" or "not-sad" as opposed to being understood as its own separate thing. Narcissistic people believe they must be perfect and anything less than that is a total and epic failure. They chase success but don't find it because their standards are unreasonable, and because any result other than perfection is regarded as an indictment of them as a person. They attach these perceived failures to their own self-worth because they have no real way to regulate or balance that, which of course results in disaster. When you are unable to accept yourself, you will not be happy. You will not even be satisfied. The closest they can come is probably need fulfillment. When their needs have been fulfilled, they may be content - for a time. The problem with this is that there is always another need and therefore it cannot last. Narcissistic people usually have a very low capacity for happiness because they are so overwhelmingly negative. Everything is a hassle and a problem and a bother for them. Everything is a huge issue. It's not just because they are in a bad mood from their own self-abuse and self-hatred, although that's part of it. It's because they won't allow themselves to just be happy. They can't let well enough alone. If something good does happen, they can usually be counted on to ruin it for themselves somehow. Inside, they believe - either consciously or subconsciously - that they don't deserve anything, including to be happy. That's why you see so much self-sabotage and self-defeat with pathologically narcissistic people. they generally have very negative perception. How can you find anything to be grateful for when you're convinced that the whole world is just a pile of crap and so is everybody in it? You will often find that when you try to point out things they could be grateful for, or happy about - or when you mention things you are grateful for or happy about - they will argue that these aren't really good things. For example, if you say they could be grateful to be alive, they will say that living their life is nothing to be grateful for. Some of this is just their contrariness and need to argue and disagree or it may be because they are the type that tries to constantly present themselves as a victim, but part of it is because they really do feel that way. They are miserable people who find no joy in anything and attempts to change that are often seen as hokey, pointless and stupid. It is not uncommon to find that narcissists have a serious dislike for anything positive. They often look down on happy people, believing them to be either fake or dumb. They usually have a hard time believing any positivity can be genuine and they don't trust good things that happen, either disregarding them as a fluke or re-framing them as actually negative. Inside, narcissists generally believe their problems are the worst problems that exist and therefore they can find nothing to be grateful for. Their internal experience is generally extremely negative and this causes their perception and therefore almost all of their external experiences to be negative, too. Gratitude is often about being grateful for things that you had nothing to do with; it's about recognizing that "but for the grace of God go I." In other words, gratitude is about recognizing your good fortune. This is why it helps with being self-centered. It teaches you to look beyond yourself. For example, you may be grateful that you recovered from a very serious illness, or that no one was hurt in a car accident. When someone believes that every single thing that happens is because of them somehow, they can't really look outside themselves. Instead of being grateful that a bad situation was not worse, they will instead often personalize the tragedy, either believing it happened because they are bad or to ruin them. Narcissists do not know how to be grateful because they simply expect to be given whatever they want. They take everything and everyone for granted, the same way that young children do. They have never matured enough to be able to attend to their own needs, manage their own lives, or be responsible for their own feelings. They believe these things - and they themselves - are everyone else's responsibility. If they are unhappy or they need something, somebody else is supposed to do something about that. Narcissists also have a serious problem with magical thinking. Magical thinking is the idea that what you want or believe can cause things to happen in the world. It's often harmless, but with narcissists, it is taken to an extreme degree, the degree we usually only see in young children. This impacts their ability to be grateful because they have no concept or understanding of the negative consequences that could have happened, therefore they cannot be grateful these things did not happen. They simply say, "Of course it went OK. Things like that don't happen to people like me." Things that contradict this magical thinking are ignored or downplayed and things that seem to confirm it are considered proof of their charmed status. There is no room for gratitude-true gratitude-in this personality. It's a very sad irony that narcissists often insist people are not grateful to them, yet they seem to have no actual understanding of what gratitude even is. As with love, respect, consideration, and many other things, they are insisting they be given something they can't recognize even when it's right in front of them. To a narcissist, the relationship is all about what you are or are not doing for them. Gratitude is not something that they should be engaging in. That's for people to give to them. So much of our distress comes from our expectations of what things should be like. There is an old Buddhist teaching which states that the root of all suffering is desire. Look at narcissists. All they know is desire and want, and they are miserable for it. That's one of the reasons relationships with narcissistic people is so painful: the desire and the reality are vastly different. That desire keeps people holding on and trying long after they know they should move on. With true acceptance of the situation and the understanding that this person is not like everyone else and never will be, that desire and the expectations that arise from it can be adjusted so that more realistic things can be put in place and suffering can eventually be eliminated. Once people accept the reality of the situation, they can then decide whether this is something they want in their life or not. It's not really about being positive, so much as it is about training yourself to be realistic rather than negative. Reality is usually not as black and white as we initially perceive it to be. That's the biggest difference between narcissists and non-narcissistic people: you have a choice. You don't have to be miserable and negative and angry, the way so many people are. You can reflect on things you are grateful for every day, and watch it open your mind up to a whole new way of looking at things.
Happiness is cheesecake with blueberries on top for me. Moderation is the key though. Keep peace as much as possible. Don't worry, be happy isn't simple at all. I am content with that. My purpose is to be purposeful by seeking ways to do things and stay in budget. Keeping our budget and still having fun and some cheesecakes is happy, happy, joy, joy. ❤️
I enjoy being miserable sometimes. Apparently our brains only function is to keep us alive. Not happy. I've learned what dosnt make me happy. For me it means letting go of outcomes and taking it day by day. I'm happy when content and have purpose. So refreshing to here you talk thankyou 🙏
🙏🏽😊😇🥰👍💪 makes sense . Now to purge all my old religious programming that made me a sinner and full of repentance for being born a sinner and having to suffer but my ticket to heaven is based on conditions. Be good you go be bad you burn . I woke up to that nonsense so a more philosophical approach is way more sane . Much gratitude for your sane input .
Happiness is a moment a time a place and it’s just right,,,, I don’t even want it all the time, it just comes when it come, the same as the other emotions. I do enjoy it when I am sane,happening more often now😉
Richard, I noticed that a narcissist does not like to lose at his manipulate tactics. Their is one book that the Narcissist uses is the book George Orwell "1984 , but I think someone else wrote the book. It is a pleasure watching your videos.
Happiness is a subjective state of consciousness, linked to your inner self state at any given moment in time. It is not a concrete concept nor is it a state that can be purchased with money. That's what society tells us. What makes one person feel "happy" is not what would make another. Happiness is what you choose it to be for you.
Great advice. I taught my daughters this: Be like the rose. A rose grows in a stationary place. It cannot get up and go get what it needs. What does it need? The obvious things are sunlight, water, nutrition from the soil, etc. A not-so-obvious need is pollination. Pollination is something the rose is incapable of doing for itself. What’s a rose to do in order to be pollinated? In order to be pollinated, a rose must attract something that will bring about pollination. Enter the Honey Bee and the Bumble Bee (which we’re told has no business thinking it can fly - but it does anyway.) By the rose being the best it can be, given the amount of exposure to sunlight, sufficient water and nutrients from the soil, it attracts the bees who pollinate the rose in a symbiotic dance only nature could arrange. We don’t always “know” what we truly need. But if we can be the best we can be, regardless of our circumstances, we may attract what we need. No reason to expend energy chasing what you think you need, especially if you really don’t know what it is, but rather striving to be our best, right where we are, knowing what we need will seek us out. Be like the rose.
One does not pursue happiness. One does not generate. It is a state of mind. I am. Just be. Be happy. It is a choice; a test, like everything. Screw markateers
I am in peace and in joy when I am not identified with my toughts, emotions and trauma....aware of beeing in my body in the present moment. This is the "relationship " with God. Looking fresh on the world like if I never knew anything. Then I experience pure joy and it is so nurturing. This is my meditation and in this state of beeing I am greatfull. Thank you ♥
