Is it a male description? It feels so accurate and i am a female Also, it really shows how much self work he did as an untearted borderline couldnt express himself so precisely because of the confusion and everything he said. I m amazed
I'm sorry you know what it's like. Unfortunately, I think that's shared amongst many more than just us BPD folk. It's hard to not feel broken and alone in a society that's so absurdly alienating while it constantly tells us we're never good enough and will never be good enough.
I am also a male with BPD. This is exactly what I feel like. It feels like you are not part of this wold abs your mood can change within hours. One moment you are happiest person in the world, then you get angry and finally you are so desperate. All with one single day. It is so exhausting
Imagine what it's like to be a woman, and Man with BPD unleashes all 3 of those emotions on you throughout a single day, and you have no idea why he's doing it.. so you blame yourself. It's admittedly Worse to be on This side. . ...
@ree3197 I think that's really unfair. First off, it's not a competition. Secondly, u absolutely NEVER know what someone with bpd is going through. While it may seem like they're upset with u, realistically they're upset with themselves, and in they're head, they're doing it for u. The mindset that it puts u into is undoubtedly one of the worst head spaces on this planet. It's a constant cycle of guilt. The pain ur feeling, is most likely being felt by them too, and they probably blame themselves heavily for it. Again, in there mind, they blame themselves, and deep down are probably feel bad and those "outbursts" are probably just them trying to help u. It doesn't mean they're in the right by any means, u just have to keep an open mind. It's confusing to be in that head space. Either way, it's not a competition, but I'd still say it's definitely worse for the person with bpd based simply off facts. Doesn't mean anyone's pain should be undermined though, everyone experiences emotional pain, and it's not something that should be compared.
@@ree3197 I pushed my ex wife away with my condition. I still love her but I know I can't be around her as it causes to much pain for her. I cause too much pain for all the people in my life so I am alone most of the time.
@@davidmeyerhoff9395I suspect I have this or maybe bipolar. What’s crazy is we naturally alienate bc we know we’re harmful to others. Those closest to us feel it all. And we love them and it hurts so much to see how we affect them.
Bro, me too... what the hell. Time and time again when I remember my condition I try to study about BPD in men and damn.. I felt so related to him that I almost jumped from my chair.
He's so good explaining it. This is my ex, I always thought that. He was misdiagnozed as manic-depressive and committed suicide on those drugs. 😢 He's family, father paticularly was assholes, father propably a narcissist, an abuser. So sad he had given up on himself long before his suicide 😢
The almost constant existential and identity crisis, that hit home for me. Being in a constant state of trying to get objective answers to philosophical questions only results in confusion, pain, and a fear that comes with constantly feeling like the rug is being pulled out from under you. Obtaining any sense of comfort or security within myself or the world feels impossible, so I am stuck in a state of survival.
This answer alone makes me question if BPD and OCD Are related or something 😂 OCD is known as the “what if” disorder and the endless what if and no definite answers sends us into a spiral
@@strawberryxoxo6841 it's tied to the concept of the repitition compulsion!! You can even gleam certain insights in religion, spirituality and philosophy about repletion and cycles
I'm glad it hit home for you. I think (in reflecting on my own experience and what I describe in the video) folks like us engage in a hell of a lot of intellectual "soul searching" because we didn't receive the kind of love and stability growing up that might've given us a stronger sense of self and a more solidified concept of reality and self. So that initial wound we may have been too young to fully understand beyond "why" turns into all these other "whys" - e.g., the "why don't my parents love me or why are they treating me so cruelly / abusively / etc" gets a lot more bigger picture as we develop intellectually and emotionally. It's just a lot more comfortable to zoom out and ask these philosophical questions than it is to deep dive introspect, because it puts us more in an intellectual headspace than an emotional one - especially when that emotional headspace is one of such vacillation - chaos, insecurity, instability, fear.
If you're here and wondering how to get through, just know that I was diagnosed at 19 and I'm now 34. Things can and do get better, I never thought I'd be where I am in life now, but I am, so push through my fellow borderlines. You got this
The concern and healing focus needs to be on the NON-borderlines who BPD’s prey on. Believe me, borderlines have gotten far more than their fair share of time, attention, and concern- for a lifetime.
I can feel the anger, the rage underneath everything he said. Like “My part of my existence is being angry all the time.” I say that because that’s me.
It’s infuriating to hate yourself, and by proxy to be mad at anyone around you for the smallest inconvenience. But only on the inside, can’t let that out, because it’s been pent up so long it’ll be uncontrollable. Do I want to be angry?
You're absolutely right in sensing that in me. Rage, anger, reactivity - these things controlled me back then. I'm sorry you feel similarly - it's an incredible burden to carry, and - if you were like me - probably unjustified. I hope you can find a way to make peace within yourself and find contentment. You deserve it as much as I did.
@@DavidSFox Thank you so much. Really. This is such a compassionate response and I wasn’t sure if you’d see it and I’m even more thankful you took the time to reply to me.
Dude I can relate to everything you say so much, with the killing people thing. You just feel like a pyscho, you think everyone you know thinks your a narcissist, and friends slowly drop off because you can see that you are just pulling them down, so you separate from them then they just feel like you don’t want to know them, then before you know it your alone again, staring at the ceiling planning another suicide attempt the constant questioning every god damn thing down to this idea of ‘certainty’ and ‘truth’
I'm glad you can relate, but also sorry for your version of the hell I had to experience. Sounds all too familiar to me. I find the questioning fun these days, whereas back then it just tortured me and left me more confused. I guess I was finally able to accept that there really are no answers in life, that nobody REALLY knows what they're doing or why they're doing it, and we're all just kinda improvising day to day until we die. Not much else you can do but try to find some enjoyment and fulfillment while you're pushing that boulder up the hill just to watch it roll back down. One must imagine Sisyphus happy, right?
he's just like me. the mannerisms, the random gibberish to hold conversation, his thought processes. its so nice to see him vocalize it too because it's being normalized by someone else with bpd and the one thing i struggled with the most is feeling alone or crazy. but as borderlines i feel we're so scrambled in our emotions we don't know how to trust ourselves and its harder to trust others. thank you david.
An old party “friend” who dropped me suddenly under false pretences is likely a BPD. Trust me the gibberish talk wasn’t cute. She showed up in my life after close to a decade of not talking to tell me about a mutual friend’s passing. I wished that’s all we had met up about. Soon after we started to hang out a couple of times but I always felt like “no one was home”. Then suddenly dropped me for mistakingly assuming my last text was an insult. A completely different person, fkn Jekyll and Hyde. Reminded me a lot of a BPD ex-fiancée. That was the last toxic person I let in my life. My brother is BPD and he made my life hell growing up. That’s why I used to let these fkers into my life because, until 4 years ago, I thought putting up with shitty behaviour was normal. It’s not. They are a hopeless people like the NPDs. Both are fkd in the head, there’s no cure, and even if they went to therapy, it’ll only last until the next trigger comes along. It might be good for them but for fk sakes they don’t get better in relationship with people, only in relationship with themselves. Plus the goldfish memory is their saving grace but not for us 95% of the population who are not developmentally stunted like these POSs.
I’m a woman recovered from BPD (it’s not easy, but it’s possible). A thought that would come up for me (among many others) when I would be triggered is “I’m permanently damaged”. And I heard every ounce of every word you said, with all of my heart. Please never give up on yourself, healing is possible
Thank you for the beautiful sentiment. I would hope all afflicted like I was read and internalize this. While I'm a decade older than when this was filmed I appreciate your message just the same. The body may keep the score but the rest of us can heal and find peace, it just takes a long time and a lot of luck along the way.
ur kinda my hero David. I've watched this a few times. Thank you so much. As a fellow young man with BPD, You really did a fantastic job of encapsulating what it feels like. Big cope much love bro.
Well after being diagnosed last year 2 months from this day, this guy just hits the nail on the head. It’s just confusing but just trying to get by everyday and then some days I feel so manic and everyone likes/loves me and I just switch probably the next few hours wondering why people leave me and asking why no one is ever there. It’s probably the scariest roller coaster I’ve ever been on in my life
Such a kindred spirit. I'm such a cartoon character people just go along with my outbursts the other day I needed fire for catharsis and the neighbours were just happy I chose not to burn a house so left me to drop stuff in the trash can as I started a huge fire they knew I was happy...that's NOT fucking normal in the middle of a housing estate lol
I’m a 39 y/o male, with “quiet” borderline. As if that is “better” somehow than typical borderline. It feels worse, in a way. I guess. Because I tried to cover it for years with overachievement so that my ex would love me. Turns out, I selected a covert narc who took everything I ever cared about, including my kids, and left me with nothing. It’s been 2 years, and I am just starting to feel human again. The suicidal depression is the worst feeling in the world. Not knowing who I am, what I want, and everything changing (emotionally) several times in one day. The splitting, every day, for nearly 4 years, has been terrible. At first I thought I was psychotic. And I did have two psychotic breaks. But I have stabilized. Against most peoples recommendations I have actually tried growing my own magic mushrooms so I could quiet the daily on going constant chatter in my head. Also, I don’t respond well to SSRIs so I figured what the hay, why not. And I am shocked at how actually positive my experience has been. 1. Write down your fears 2. Clean your place of residence 3. Meditate 4. Take a small dose of magic shrooms. 5. Put on ONLY POSITIVE music. 6. Stretch, and curl up with a nice blanket. 7. Enjoy the ride. This is the best I have felt in 20+ years since before I met my abusive narc ex. It isn’t the only answer. But I am learning to manage the co-occurring conditions that make my borderline so much worse. Getting ahead of the symptoms I didn’t know was possible. Now I can. I’m eating better, getting better sleep. And I finally feel the motivation to take better care of myself. I don’t feel as broken as I used to. 🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄
I can attest to your substance of choice there. I dabbled throughout my 20s and I found them vastly therapeutic - helping me detach from this self-concept I'd had for so many years, broadening my horizons in so many ways - spiritually, philosophically, intellectually. Most importantly, they taught me I was not my trauma and my trauma was not me, any more than I was or was not any label like "BPD". Really hoping with some of the pioneering research being done that we'll live to see a day psilocybin is used therapeutically on a much larger scale. Their potential application for depression and PTSD are massive.
@@gregorypeterson9 No, and to be honest, I think I am past that point of needing it to be honest. I did complete some relationship therapy groups which delved into the reasons why I struggled as a kid. But the most healing experiences I have had are listening to Timothy Fletcher on his accounts of Complex PTSD (Childhood trauma).
Not sure how I missed this video before, but this is absolutely gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking to listen to his experience. I truly feel for him, but I honestly cannot imagine what it must be like to feel these feelings (as an internal reality) and think these thoughts. It's no wonder he feels psychotic and broken. Who wouldn't feel like that if that was their inner reality? It's infuriating and discriminatory, IMHO, that insurance companies don't cover treatment of this. Sure, it's a character disorder, but when is the last time you heard someone with NPD or AsPD describe their internal world like this? If people are truly this honest with their therapist, about what is actually going on in their head, how is this ever misdiagnosed as NPD or AsPD? I mean, yes, the wanting to take out a knife and stab everyone is alarming, and certainly violently sociopathic (one male with BPD here on RU-vid joking calls his home "the stabbin' shack" because he feels this way), but when is the last time you heard a narcissist or antisocial individual tell you they don't know who they are and that they feel psychotic and broken. Sure, narcissists feel worthless at their core, but I've never heard one describe their inner reality this chaotically. Ugh, don't get me started on how broken our healthcare system is, and our entire country in the US when it comes to treating people with mental illness, childhood trauma, and even adult PTSD (returning veterans, police officers, all first responders actually, survivors of domestic violence). I don't think I'd be able to walk down the street if I felt this way. It's no wonder 40% of US and UK prisoners, both male and female, get diagnosed with BPD. If this is their internal experience, they're probably out doing a lot of harm to others in the world, and sabotaging their own life while they're at it. This is a freakin' public health crisis.
They don’t cover this disease because there is no chance of recovery. These are developmentally stunted people for life, there’s no cure, and they will always stay a toddler emotionally and have goldfish memory. Do you think a car insurance company would continue to insure a person who’s had multiple DUIs that led to multiple car crashes and a criminal record? No because it’s not a charity, it’s a business. Maybe a charity is what these people need. I mean the have cars for kids, Down syndrome charities, so why not for the BPD? Hmm maybe you’re making sense.
Thank you for empathizing with my experience. Let me just say you're absolutely right. This country is just a Russian doll of broken systems these days, and healthcare is just one of those Russian dolls. I was very lucky and privileged to have not turned out far worse, and I'm sure so many don't have those same privileges. It's appalling and horrific how normalized antisocial behavior has become here, and I couldn't have imagined when this was filmed that I'd live to see mass shootings become an everyday event that fail to even qualify for headlines. I'm glad you can empathize with the experience, as well. While I voiced homicidal thoughts in this video, I had only engaged in self-injury and violence towards inanimate objects to that point. That said, I can completely understand how people brought to a similar level of internal fragmentation and despair might feel they have no other outlet besides violence. In my mind, a large part of why I suffered as I did was because up to that point I had never really felt heard or loved by anyone in my life, and unfortunately I think that is the fate of a great many Westerners on all parts of the mental health spectrum. We could all do a hell of a lot better to create a society where we actually listen and care about each other, but this way of things - this is what our ruling class has decided will be normal.
I'm 35 and seeking treatment for exactly the reasons you just described. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD, but there is something more...and it's exactly what you just said. All of it, for as long as I can remember.
I am a woman who has BPD, and I can 100% relate to what he is saying. Maybe I'm more male in my thinking. He's spot on. This is how we feel all of the time. I'm coming up with some off-road theories 🤪 of how we borderlines could be useful to a sleeping culture in terms of opening all of our 👀 eyes to reality. We borderlines are angry because we see that vast majority are living in fiction. They're playing characters. They have more of a set way of being and that causes those others, that vast majority, to expect that from us. When they see us, they don't understand and they reject us because that's the nature of most humans: to protect themselves from the outsiders. It's perceived as such. Ingrained in most. They fear what they don't understand, get scared, reject us, bully us because we're naive, use us, make fun of us or whatever else. Then, receive all of the disapproval of others, internalize that from a young age, run the patterns of that rejection & abandonment feeling and live it whether it is actual rejection & abandonment or perceived. Most people have no idea that we exist. "Wait? There can't be people who exist without a strong sense of self? No way!! They're just crazy!!!!" AND then, here we are. Casted out.... Then we have to pretend so that we can be here or not here reality but here. Thank God for this channel!!!! Thank God for those of you borderline or not for giving thus content a chance.
I dated a BPD and we were engaged. Suddenly after engagement she disappeared, yet again, and would send random mean emails to me. What a waste of my time, resources. The only good thing about that relationship was the final breakup. I learned later on she married another guy the same year we got engaged. What an indiscriminate pos that has goldfish memory. Good fkn riddance.
any chance we can have a update on David and his brother?......they are just so inspiring......along with all the people working on this site ....I thanks so much for all the help it has given me
Hey there. Just turned 32 this year and doing a whole lot better than I was when I was filmed for this (my brother as well!) I'm very happily married in the most healthy and mutually loving relationship I've ever had, and in the same job for almost three years now with an established career; this is in spite of experiencing even more trauma the last six years. More importantly, I don't hold the same anger and insecurity inside - things that I carried for a long time through my teens and 20s (what you see come out in this video). I see the young man I was in this video and I feel sorrow for what I went through - and I feel much of what I described isn't just specific to the struggles of someone experiencing BPD, but more to that of the human condition. We all seek the same things in this life - a sense of identity, importance, meaning - to feel known, and held by a family, a community. I suppose at the time the label helped me contextualize the effects a traumatic upbringing had had on me, but I've since realized that we're all traumatized in some fashion by this system we live in - and there's much work we can do in being more empathetic and kind to one another. When it comes down to it, we're all trying to make the most of this life, and suffering is universal. What I didn't know then, that I know now - I'm not the only one who feels these things, and feelings them doesn't make you "sick". It just makes you human. Thanks for expressing interest!
I am also a male with BPD. I’m not really sure how to say this, but I’m going to try. I think this video is very damaging to the public perspective of what BPD looks like in a man. I identify with a lot of what he is saying, but the comments about wanting to just kill everybody: I do not identify with this. I tend to think about taking it out on myself. People are already scared enough of us, do we really need them to think that if we have borderline personality disorder we just want to kill everybody when we get mad? Not helpful.
(speaking as the subject of this clip) I appreciate your perspective, but it's also important to remember that psychology is an imperfect science and mental illness is a spectrum. My exact pathology might have been more extreme than the average male who is diagnosed BPD, but I attribute that to growing up in a profoundly traumatizing, chaotic and violent household. Obviously that's not going to be everyone's experience, nor will they all turn out with the kinds of thoughts I did at that age.
100% at this point I've been a cartoon character for 40 years and I'm so outgoing and thankfully the upswing is so positive people just lean into my crazy fucking turns and actions and go yup that's ___.
Holy sh*t. I'm only 20, but I felt this way since I was a kid. I remember trying to stab my heart with scissors at age 11 because I couldn't solve the mathematical tasks that we got as homework. My mum actually sat at the table when that happened. I only remember not being able to get the correct answer, and then I curled up, cried and screamed "I want to die" and just repeatedly "stabbed" myself in the chest with scissors until my mom stopped me. What the fk is wrong with me man
Nothing is "wrong" with you, though I'm entirely sure you feel otherwise. I used to cut words into myself like "ugly", "failure". I get it. And I know how painful it is to feel like your own worst enemy. But you're not. I hope one day you can forgive yourself and find acceptance within. I've struggled my whole life with mental health both before and after this video and it's the only way. At some point you've gotta put the scissors down and realize you don't deserve that kind of pain or hurt and never did, and the world is sure as hell going to find enough ways to hurt you without you bringing it on yourself. Find that love and empathy for that 11 year old and tell him homework doesn't fucking matter and you don't need to prove yourself in any way shape or form to be loved or appreciated for what you are. Simply being you is enough. You are enough.
Straight from my mind to his mouth... I hate BPD, I hate myself, and I feel bad for those around me. It's SO difficult to form meaningful attachments because I KNOW Mr Hyde will come around to ruin any progress Dr Jackyl made. I want to be rid of this curse.
@@BorderlinerNotes yes please, would love to hear from David and how he's doing now. I have BPD myself and he's just so natural and accurate with it. I could never
Hilarious you mention the Jekyll/Hyde comparison. I used to think of myself exactly the same way. First off, and this is easier said than done, but don't hate yourself. I'm almost certain you don't deserve that ire, and you have no need to "fear" this other 'side' of you. The difficulty we have is in seeing ourselves as a comprehensive "whole" rather than a collection of selfs. But the reality of this life is, we're all more or less playing characters, and everyone we come across is going to get a slightly different version of us. Consider that the parts of you that you may consider "evil" are just the parts of you that root the most from unaddressed trauma, and that kind of thing heals with plenty of love, empathy, and forgiveness - not hate. It's rational to fear or even loathe the parts of you that you think are unappealing, but in doing so, ironically, you only feed into the trauma that allowed those parts to be what they are. That person you see in the video? I couldn't stand him. I couldn't stand how chaotic and erratic and insecure I could be. But so much of it came from a desperate longing to love and be loved, to be heard and seen. It wasn't until I had been able to experience that consistently over the course of many years that, in conjunction with healthier habits and treatment, I was able to reach a place where all the parts of the whole are able to simply be what they are - a part of me. You don't have to love every part of yourself, but in accepting and forgiving the parts you don't feel able to control or dislike, you take away their power, and can slowly begin to accept them as part of the whole.
The explanation he gives is definitely it for me. Male dealing with BPD. It's hard to get others to understand and harder to get anyone to stay. But things can get better. Proud to say I'm in therapy and I'm noticing things getting better. Just being more present in moments is rewarding. For other males who are here dealing with it, commit to the therapy, you're not alone and it can get better!
Seeing him smile while he speaks about traumatic experiences and his intrusive thoughts, reminds me a bit of myself. I still don't know how to lose that trait yet Any suggestions?
@@Nothingnothing1111 @Nike_1999 can you guys explain the smile/laugh further? I'm 99% sure a man I met has BPD and, unlike other people, I would LOVE to help him feel included in society and with whatever I can. But, before I put 2 and 2 together (before I suspected BPD, that is), I noticed he laughed at neutral statements or even inappropriately at times when the default emotion was to feel sad. I got scared by feeling he could be a sadistic person and in general because some of his attitudes also correspond to ASPD. Can you explain the smile/laughter, please? Is it sadistic at all? Is it ill-intended towards me, personal, or not at all?
@@adaw332 Can I give you some real advice that no one else will....simply be there and listen when he needs attention give it freely so long as it's not destructive when he needs space do the same. I can't speak for all but despite the best intentions and all the love in the world from people in my life it's literally a never ending well that people just drop love into and its never full.
That's good he shared his experience cause most people would think that he is joking, but I've seen thru others how this could be acted out in the real world in a very bad way.
I'm sure it could've been. In retrospect, I can't even believe some of the stuff I said on camera, but I wasn't embellishing any of it - that really is how chaotic and internally disordered I was back then. I'm just glad I matured in a healthy way and gradually distanced myself from destructive thoughts, habits, and people.
Hey, if I could've read this back when this was filmed I'd be beaming. Thanks so much man. I just came out to that studio to give my unabashed and unfiltered experiences and I'm just really happy people have found some resonance in what I shared.
Lol! I felt that way at a new church today omg! Lol! I’m borderline but sense I’ve been following Jesus it’s gotten way better. I’m feeling like I’m in a much better place now.
Interesting. My partner has BPD and I'm convinced that something dark has been trying to sabotage him. These intrusive thoughts I don't believe they are his. They have improved over the time we have been together ❤
Kudos to him for the courage to openly discuss his internal battles. Everything he said made my hair stand on edge because this is exactly how my ex was/is.
Wow have never seen anything so relatable in my life . Literally everything 😢. All the guys with bpd I love you and everything will be okay . ( things I have to tell myself everyday )
I just got my diagnosis yesterday. I can't stop watching this video. Because it feels like it was scooped right out of my head. Every word sounds like i could have written out for him to say. At least i know what this is now.
That means a lot to me. Believe it or not, I participated in this in the first place hoping others with my condition would find validation and camaraderie. I hope your treatment is going well - you're not alone in this.
@DavidSFox I'm...trusting the process. Others around me tell me they see a difference. I'm still not sure what's me. But. I think I'm learning more what's not me. I'm not sure that makes sense. Lol. But somehow I think you understand.
Not an uncommon feeling these days, unfortunately. I'm thinking about Bo Burnham's "That Funny Feeling" and when he talks about googling derealization and hating what you find.
Bad and good are arbitrary classifications, anyway, they're as much of an illusion as "control" is. Nobody is fully in control of themselves and we're all just trying to figure out this life thing day to day. If there's one thing I've learned since being filmed for this, it's that we're all going to be the villain and the hero at some point in our lives to all the different people we come across. You're not always going to succeed at being unequivocally "good" no matter how hard you try. I've found more peace in simply trying to be "good enough" and forgiving myself for what I cannot control, apologizing when I've been in the wrong, and trying to put others first when I can.
Absolutely. Happy to share my perspective if I can ever be helpful. It's a rough world out there. Strive to be good, and forgive yourself should you fall short. ❤
I'm both happy and sad you can relate. Comments like these are why I participated in this documentary to begin with, hoping others would find resonance in my experience and know they weren't alone. :)
Most times I feel it’s a curse. But a lot of times this thing actually brings out our potential to 200% and that’s the most dangerous part, making us believe we are so so talented and thereby setting our own standards and benchmarks on the top end. Failing to meet those benchmarks in the future makes us fall deep down than we were before. If there wasn’t this issue, our minds would’ve known and learned itself way before that perfection and focusing too much on silly things are a waste of time. That’s why this is one of the worst conditions a person can have which makes our moods oscillate between two extremes.
Oh yes, absolutely. Folks like us are especially prone to addiction for that reason - we get tunnel-vision and manic and completely lose the capability to step back from our emotions - they can be just that intense.
Yep. I still don't take things at face value. There's layers to everything, and that's not strictly in a quasi-psychotic manner. That's just the reality of things. We live and take part in an intricate matrix of interweaving messages - cultural, psychological, emotional, etc. Being hyper aware of such things can be disabling and a bit maddening. But I won't say you're far off the mark, as I did have family with more psychotic pathology.
I relate so much to this man as a person diagnosed with BPD. I feel like everyone who is BPD are in shades of it, and some people mask well to pass as “normal” but we aren’t in a sense where we want to change for the better.
This. We are so similar. It is mindblowing. Shall we create a land for us, pwbpd? I am sure, even if some relationship conflicts could happen in a country exclusively populated by borderlines(😅), We could have so much fun and FINALLY felt understood and LESS ALONE😢 Am I the only one here that can only trust dogs?
wow, I've never seen an interview with a male who has bpd. it's a lot more violent than the female interviews I've seen. I would really like to understand more about how this disorder affects men.
My bro is a BPD and lived like a loser and abuser all his life. He’s 50 now, living in the family basement home, and in complete debt. He ran over his girlfriend with a car, crashed the car dad bought him, lost the house mom bought him, never finished college, has a criminal record, and will put you down any second he can, indiscriminate if whoever it is at the other end of his false and hurtful accusations. Won’t go to therapy, self soothes with alcohol (he’s an alcoholic since 15-16), escapes through video gaming with much younger people on VR chat, is being looked after by our soon to be retired sister who is 13 yrs older than him, he’s never going to change. I’ve done everything I can to help him but his worsening abusive behaviour towards me (which ruined my business, relationships, and reputation amongst family and extended family) has completely annihilated any empathy and compassion I had for him. There’s nothing fascinating about them. Run the Fk away from these monsters.
I was just being extremely frank, maybe not the best thing to do in such a public manner, but I wanted to give the full picture of the illness as I'd experienced it. Mind you, I had only ever been self-injurious to that point. The most unlucky victims of my "violence" were walls and chairs.
On point ... lol ... so much so I only feel somewhat normal when I'm being attentive as that way I can hold onto being someone who dose the right thing .... perfect simple reality
Daniel Hernandez 57 year olds male unofficially diagnosed four years ago but a year before my wife passed away from Covid my wife my 27-year-old marriage to my favorite person gone. She’s gone now and I’m all alone in this house full of ghosts ones in my head ones that are real the ones that aren’t, what time you struck me there you struck me hard when you said I only feel normal when I’m being attentive and she was so sick for so long she took kidney transplants in our marriage, and both of them had massive major life-changing complications, and I was a star I was the best goddamn partner caregiver Defense attorney doctor, crusher nurse chaser. I took such good care of her and I was so good at it and I could get lost in it and I didn’t have to wonder if if giving her the care and anything I didn’t have to wonder if it was the right thing for the wrong thing, and it was gonna be perceived that I was, they look at me like I was a wonderful man and I was for a while for a while, and now I’m just dead inside with no hoping no future and no desire for any of it yet. Can’t suicide my mom still alive her brothers mighty brother sorry, my niece and my nephew but there’s nothing else for me. There’s nothing else for me I’m not I don’t know how I got, honestly I was a psychopath. I am a psychopath kill everything everybody all at once and burn everything down or sit in a corner and solve all day. Sob call cry cry that’s my life. Can you work now and I work for so long can’t even work now and get a job. Can’t hold a job. Don’t want to open up money, I have no money literally probably gonna lose my house. Yeah, this service video of something else but they were to your house. You only felt normal when you were being attentive, and I was such an attentive and good caregiver. I loved it. I hated that she was sick. I hate hospitals and doctors, but I love taking care of her and purpose I had identity I had meaning and I didn’t have to second-guess myself constantly to the point of driving myself. Insane thanks sorry for the long rant.
Hahahahahhah, that's awesome. You just summed up my life in a nutshell. I'm fucking stealing this video as a prolog to anyone who wants to now how the fuck I'm feeling!!!!! Fuck that question
He's me on a manic day its quite similar. The only other emotional state is feeling dead inside with a blank stare constantly. I appreciate him doing this it must not have been easy
It was weird, I'll say that much. I'd never been in a studio or on camera like that before. The novelty of the situation introduced a lot of anxiety, which is probably why I came off especially manic. I know what you're describing, though, the vacillation between those states. I was very much the same way.
Its so true. You feel like the Hero and villain in your own story, at odds looking for the climatic showdown... but you cant. Because youre only one person. Absolutely despiseing yourself for reasons that make no sense later on. A constant flow of feelings and emotions when men are not supposed to feel. So we've let down our gender and family bloodline all by existing. Don't get any of us started on trying to get someone we love to understand, half the time there are so many red flags in our intimate relationships,( our red flags, and theirs that we swear is pink so not red) that it looks like a love induced slaughter house. And we will smile while being tortured inside and from our partners because we will do anything to keep them from leaving... but they always leave. It never matters who it is, or with that old saying, "They can't leave!"... well, they did, now what? Just want to be loved, but feel so wreched and broken that we dont deserve love. Violence will solve it all, but that's so very wrong to even entertain those thoughts or mental images, further showing to yourself that there had to be a recall somewhere sometime. But theres not. You just know youre broken. For those other men engaging these battles along with me, I am proud of you, that you have made it this far, and are going to make the distance! At the end of the day, it seems we get left on the back burner. But to me, youre my kin and you matter! Thank you
It's like your nervous system is on overload all the time. It's like shaking a bottle of pop.... There's an ungodly amount of pressure just sitting there and building up. Genuinely the worst experience on earth.
The wanting to kill everyone is incredibly relatable. Ppl are often deceptive and inconsiderate but will pepper in good moments which confuses us and if you're confusing you're on the chopping block.
His mannerisms are my own . I’m a woman and people tell me I’m masculine or diplomatic or matter of fact . It can come across as “manly” or misdiagnosed as bipolar which hurts sometimes. It’s sad men have this and they get brushed off as being just a dude or angry
I'm sorry that people invalidate you. And yeah, you're right about the last part. Unfortunately America isn't really a place where men are raised to have emotional intelligence or an overabundance of self-awareness, and we're rammed through a hyper-competitive culture that teaches we're only worth our bank account or job title and that the only emotions we're allowed to express is anger or passion. I can count the number of men I've met in my life who were able to be emotionally open - it's not many.
I’m finding out im probably a covert borderline…always full of anger and desire but hardly in measured or healthy doses…but i have found that maybe making and consuming music has been one of the few ways in which i can maintain a sense of self…
Heh, I was too, even with all my "switchblade" talk I was almost entirely self-destructive, not outwardly destructive. Music is a great outlet and I'm glad you have that. Like life for non-BPDs, that's just kind of the secret sauce. Taking everything we feel inside and MAKING something from it. It doesn't have to make sense, because what really does, right?
You're not wrong. Since being a part of this documentary I've had plenty of time to mature and grow and I've realized a lot of what I expressed are more or less more extreme interpolations of the human condition, especially in an alienating society like ours.
I’m glad to learn I’m not alone. Everyday feels like hell. So afraid to tell someone cause you think they’ll run from you or abandon you. It fucking sucks. It’s hard to feel like I’m not alone sometimes.
You're definitely not alone - and that was exactly my intention in participating in this documentary. And you're right, it does fucking suck. That fear you talk about so strongly commanded me back then, and to some degree that's always going to be a constant. But, in developing a healthier sense of self and boundaries, you start to realize that you can only do so much to control how others will perceive and treat you. Finding acceptance and empathy for who and what you are is a radical act in a society that constantly tells us we're never good enough. Be good enough for you, and accept the tenet that if someone runs away or abandons you, then as long as you didn't do anything to hurt them - they simply weren't your people.
I can't say for sure that I have it, but I've been doing loads of research, and I really think this is what I have. I'm getting therapy soon, I had a bad experience with it as a kid, but this problem has become so big in my life that I genuinely feel just dysfunctional. That's been a word I've felt most describes how I feel. I don't know what to feel. All I really want is to make the people around me happy, it's like all I want is for them to be happy with me, not for me to be happy with me. Idk sometimes I just wish someone would tell me exactly how to feel, and what to do, and where to go, and how to talk. My life genuinely just feels like pure chaos. 2 nights ago I contemplated killing myself. Yesterday I spent the whole day deciding that I was a bad person, and i wanted to be a better person. Earlier tonight I decided that all my problems were fixed and i don't need therapy, nor do I need to open up to the people around me. And now I'm just thinking about all of it. That's just been my life for the past few years, and it's just gotten so out of hand I can't do anything. I can't talk to people, I can't do school, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I literally cannot do anything. It's weird because I talk to myself a lot, and sometimes ill just go on a rant to myself about how I feel. And after doing all of this research on bpd, I've heard some of the EXACT sentences I've said to myself about how I'm feeling, but this was coming from professionals. This is one of the few times I've felt pretty sure on something about myself. And yet, for the past couple months, I kid u not, every other day, I'll convince myself that im overreacting, and it's not real. Luckily I'm in one of my states where I can think clearly, which honestly I've been lacking for the past couple weeks. I honestly love and hate this mood where I don't have my brain going all over the place and so emotional. On one hand, I can think clearly, and that brain fog is gone. On the other, I have to sit here and just wait for my mood to drop again. That's one of the worst things about finding out about this lately. Now I'm aware, which means now im just always on edge for when I'm just gonna be set off, and it's gonna be terrible. I genuinely just hate this feeling of just impending doom. But at least I'm doing good right now lol. It's kinda strange how easy it is to notice once my mood goes back to normal. I'll be so stressed and unaware of what's even happening, then literally one day ill wake up and just be like "woah, I feel better". Honestly I'm happy I've realized this now. I've felt this way since forever. I've always just felt like this is normal, and what people just go through. But it's only been within the past couple months that I've realized people don't think like me. Its one of the reasons I'm always feeling so guilty, I'm afraid of making other people feel like me. I've always kinda assumed that people work like me, and will totally go into depressive episodes over someone simply saying they're not in the mood to talk. Idk. This rant has gone on too long lol, just had to put this out here somewhere to clear my head a bit.
Hey man. I'm the guy from the video. You have anyone you can talk to about this? Not just a therapist, I mean anyone who will listen and hear you. You're not crazy, I can almost unequivocally promise you that, it just sounds like you're in one of these desperate, anxious inner spirals like the kinds I used to get into. But in the decade+ since I've filmed this, one of the most important lessons I've learned is that sometimes (especially with BPD / mental illness) you can't trust your inner narrative and you need to get your thoughts and feelings OUT. Talk it out with someone that cares about you, write it all down (like you did).
Listening to this, now I see why BPDers are so likely to commit suicide! or at least attempt it. I can understand it, if their internal world sounds/feels like that!
Absolutely. I actually did attempt it at 18, I believe two years before this was filmed. The inner experience I can describe as being strapped to a chair in a room full of TVs all blaring at you way too loud. You're constantly overwhelmed and can't find any kind of peace... and as a result find yourself desiring nothing at all. And that's a dangerous place to be - when all you want is peace from YOURSELF.
Wow It is FCKNG accurate 😮 i dont have feelings like killing people but i have that urge to destroy everything like today i was fantasizing to break up with my partner who i love and find a sugardaddy who pays me. I dont want to do it and i wont, but thoughts like that... nuts.
FINALLY. someone who GETS me. I really want to get help with BPD but i dont know how. im just so difficult, as a person, i dont think doctors would like me very much >
I'm glad you feel "got"! You aren't alone in this. And it's very difficult to find willing and able therapists, for sure - not to mention the cost of such a thing. I was in therapy at the time of filming, but I haven't consistently been in it for at least 8 years. There are other ways to find more of an inner peace. The gym and physical fitness filled that void for me for a long time, but intellectual and spiritual pursuits have helped far more in feeling more stable and functional.
I'm a borderline man too and i have this very fast and unpredictable hand movements too and i talk very fast😂 I'm also even more unpredictable than him and think the same way especially if i feel someone has hurt me I'll be like kill him kill him 😵💫I have that same fake happy energy to hide my explosive anger and extreme mood swings which some people are terrified of but idk if he's as extremely sensitive as i am and if he completely loses it every time like me😂😂I just found my twin 😂 But if he has the rage and severe meltdowns or hostility i have during bpd episodes then I'm scared of him😂 I'm an extremely angry person but i always smile like him to mask it all although I'm terrible at it and i have very violent thoughts too🙄🙄
@@adaw332 If he's anything like I was, he doesn't feel worthy of being loved, may have never felt loved in his life or know what it is, and when anyone expresses liking him he's probably internally overwhelmed. Distrust and fear (because he may associate love with pain), clinging (because it feels good to be validated and he may associate being loved with loss and abandonment)... Obviously there's no size fits all example, but I think BPDs most of all struggle with such a fragmented sense of self that they struggle to internalize positivity from others and, as a result, react in what appear on the surface to be chaotic or unpredictable ways. If my wife is any example, then being consistent, affirming, patient, curious and loyal is absolutely important - and I'd think these traits are important not just in BPD relationships.
@@DavidSFox I'm glad you have a good wife. I feel sorry for everyone with BPD and really wish there was some kind of magic that could "cure" these feelings so that you could experience calmness and love. In my case, I stopped seeing this guy soon. I will never know if it was his BPD or he didn't really want a serious LTR with me. He never really showed real signs but it did seem that deep inside he needed the closeness - not sure if from me specifically or from whomever. Have you ever rejected someone who deep inside you truly wanted to try a relationship with?
@@adaw332That's a great question. Reflecting back on the last decade, I think a lot of the experiences I had were driven by a desperation for connection and the desire to fill a void - not a great recipe to start. I ended up doing things with lots of people based merely around surface level attraction - something our hookup culture definitely fed into - quickly finding out they didn't have the emotional and intellectual depth I desired, and then shutting down / withdrawing. When I did find someone who matched me on those levels, I typically found myself becoming attached far too quickly and intensely - which led to a lot of heartbreak if it wasn't reciprocated. In longer term relationships I tended to be fearful of commitment and found myself withdrawing and being conflict averse as things worsened - this was true for every relationship except for two, and the second is now my wife. The manifestations of this illness followed me throughout all of it; my desire for connection reaches the levels of desiring enmeshment (but not codependence) with another, and I had trouble when partners weren't able to reach that level of intimacy and connectedness. Ironically enough, the best & healthiest relationships I've had were those with individuals who were also from toxic families and/or with mental health challenges. It's a lot easier when you can speak the same language and understand each other's struggles. To more directly answer your question - I do recall a few occurrences where I did not pursue a relationship with someone despite wanting to. Either I didn't feel a strong enough reciprocation from them, or I was not in a position where I could even logistically entertain the possibility (e.g. long distance).
Wow I feel like an actress to. I was sitting in a meeting today at work and all I could think was “why am I here?” It felt mostly like I was on a stage… do I perform do I not perform? Very annoying
This was my Brother! Diagnosed BPD ( Passed away 9years today) But I'm also realizing this is my ex too undiagnosed ( and half of my female friends) I get so easily manipulated by them. Thanks God for therapy ❤
David seems so sweet . I can totally relate except for the switch blade .. mine would be more selective … have watched some other videos, including the one with his brother. I don’t relate to people saying that he’s scary .. but I have bpd… seems like a sensitive soul who grew up in turmoil . Thank you for sharing and wish you so much healing , David❤
I’m a man with BPD and I relate to a lot of what he said. However I’ve never ever wanted to “kill everybody in sight.” Let’s please not associate that particular thought pattern or behaviour with BPD. That’s completely random and I’ve never heard anybody else with BPD say that ever.
BPD is pretty highly associated with violent tendencies. As far as my own presentation (when this video was filmed) I attribute those subconscious thoughts more to a history of child abuse and growing up in a violent and turbulent home where my mother exposed me to gore / mature content at a young age, and being bullied at school for several years.
@@DavidSFox I’m sorry to hear you experienced all of that. I hope my comment didn’t invalidate your experiences. I’m just on the more quiet/internally damaging side of BPD and one of my biggest challenges stigma-wise is that this disease makes me dangerous to be around.
Been struggling with my mental health again lately to the point I decided it necessary to schedule an appointment with my counselor and prescribing nurse despite my confidence we had figured everything out. Today was especially bad, fiancé brings up the possibility that it could be BPD since it seems to be a common trait on my moms side of the family, and she currently has it if I remember right. Didn’t think much of the thought, didn’t what was going on since nothing in my routine had changed. Decided to look up symptoms and see if it was anything to look into to bring up with my counselor, and boy oh boy was I not ready for the wave of fucking relief that swept over me when I found this video. I know it could have been any video, and I don’t think it was actually the intention, but I wanna say thanks for that feeling of comfort and relief.
I wish i could give a him a big hug. I’m very close to and love someone who thinks they may have some form of BPD. They are the most caring, loving person ever. I wish I could just reach into their head and flip some switch to take all their pain away. I love you all sm ,
That's really lovely of you to say, thank you, and I'm glad people like you exist. I'm happy to say I'm doing better than when this was filmed, and have a wife I love more than anything who truly sees me, and I her. I think you're right that we have that potential - I want to believe all humans do. We are driven to love - we're social animals, after all. But this society we live in doesn't make it easy on anyone in all the bitterness, hatred and distrust it breeds.
@@DavidSFox so happy you’re doing good man. keep your head up, there’s so much love in the world , some of which you’ve already found, and more that will always be there for you. ❤️
I thought was the same for narcs and this is definitely a narc. Today I just saw a middle aged man with BPD attempting on a Facebook live and he's a photographer. He made the attempt very theatrical with music and angles indeed. Still i know many men and women who are attracted to acting and they are just vulnerable narcs. They go there to learn how to mask emotions and play others better
That's a good point. My experience with this documentary made me consider it, but ultimately I find the experience of masking and performing socially exhausting and prefer to be around people who I can be more "myself" with.
