Biblical Baby Mamas 

If you're offended by this video, it's because you choose to be. Your mockery, angry comments, downthumbs, etc, mean nothing to me. You'll always be free here to express your opinions, and I wish you all well even if you don't wish the same for me. If I can take it, without want or need of revenge, then why can't "God"?

Religion lost to science the moment churches had lightning conductors put on them...

This is basically the only reason I passed the Genesis bible study quiz

I don't even want to know what Christians think about this lmfao

"i've accidentally boinked her"

"I'll give Leah's baby cannon an extended magazine" XD

Those dislikes are all from people who accidentally showed this to their children thinking it was a family friendly bible story. Edit in 2022: there are no dislikes anymore.

"It is I, father, Esau, your first born son. Ahhhhhhhhhhh" fkin ded

The combination of the "thees" and "thines" along with modern slang is the best part of this. Awwesome!

before you kicketh the bucket XD

It's ironic how in the biblical days God spoke out to these people, but today won't do the same thing to prove to his other creations he exist. I understand that Jews were his favorite people, but goddamn don't all of humanity deserve to know the truth instead of some ancient book?

Just remember: lying and deceiving are okay. It's all there in the Bible... (along with murder, rape, slavery, etc.)

39,625 atheists found this funny....... and 11,061 theists thought this was offensive and ranted for an hour in the comments.

Actually, Laban's excuse for giving Jacob Leah instead of Rachel was that Leah was the older sister and the custom among his people was that the eldest child should be married first...which is something he neglected to tell Jacob when he first started working for Laban. I guess deceit is something that runs in the family.

Did you know that Esau gave Jacob his birthright all cause Jacob made stew and Esau wanted some. Esau sold his birthright for stew.

Jacob now has 11 babies.

Thank you Darkmatter you helped me a lot to realize how stupid religion is.

These are the morals of the Bible... I wonder why they don't teach this at church...

You know, I dated a girl with schizophrenia once. She let me read her diary. The similarity between that nonsense and the Bible were remarkable. That's when I became an athiest: when I realized that the Bible has all the logic of a schizophrenic's diary.

"Sausage wallet." Ive never heard that before and its going straight into the memory files

5:05: Jeffery: "This has to be the stupidest being who ever lived." Oh, he's finally outdone your boss?

TBH,Esau should have never been angry in the first place.He gave his title as first born to Jacob in exchange for a meal. (PS,I'm not Bible thumper.This piece of the story is actually in the Bible.....)

I don't get the dislikes. All this video is doing is retelling the story, but cutting out all the filler. This is literally what happens according to the source material

[insert sound of newborn babies smacking against people's faces]

That baby-birthing competition scene is priceless.

Is that shit about sticks fucking true? 10/10 -IGN

Why does Jacob look like Taylor Laughtner LOL

"That shit shalt never work mother" when I heard that I died😂😂😂

Twilight all over again Jacob VS. That Other Guy

Sausage wallet😂😂😂😂

I find it odd how women are supportive of this, and women are clearly traded like objects in this Lol.

Mary: [drake hates] - Telling your husband you cheated on him [drake loves] - Creating an entire religion so you dont have to tell your husband you cheated on him

The Bible has never been so fun.

As someone who is no stranger to DM2525's videos, I was surprised to see this video in the suggested videos section of a CollegeHumor video. It wasn't even recommended to me specifically.

dem baby cannons

It's amazing to me that anyone takes the Bible seriously

WHY CAN'T CHURCH BE LIKE THIS?!?!

All of these totally banged up things happened when God was in DIRECT charge of the world, and yet Christians dismiss these stories because they're in the old testament.

You forgot about how esau sold his birthright for some lentil stew

Christians when Atheists read their book: 😡😡😡

I love being atheist.

These videos expose how completely ridiculous stories from the Bible really are. The fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm are more convincing, and more moral, than these turdful tales.

The best way to learn the bible

These chapters were read out at a Morning Prayer service I was at. It was all I could do not to piss myself laughing. The reader did an admirable job of keeping her shit together. The NRSV translation is funny on its own. The bit with the mandrakes is funnier in the original "In the days of the wheat harvest Reuben went and found mandrakes in a field and brought them to his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah 'Please give me some of your son's mandrakes.' But she said to her 'Is it enough that you have taken away my husband? Would you take away my son's mandrakes also?' Rachel said, 'Then he may lie with you tonight for your son's mandrakes' When Jacob came from the field in the evening Leah went out to meet him and said 'You must come in to me for I have hired you with my sons mandrakes.' So he lay with her that night. Gen 30:14-16 NRSV

I love the idea of god pranking everybody

is that a marijuana leaf on his crouch

Esau really needs to visit a 5 star waxing salon.

I had no idea the Bible took place in Alabama

That shit shall never worketh, mother.

I'm Catholic, and this was hilarious. XD

If Bible is a troll book then mission accomplished

The babies getting launched had me dying along with having modern and old language mixed up. Lmao

I am 31 Years old and this is the first time I heard my name in English lol. Sucks how it sounds.

CREATIONISM SHOULD BE MANDATORY IN SCHOOLS! - so long as it's taught through DarkMatter videos. ^^ - We *really* need to educate children on how much bs it is....

“Sausage wallet” (0:21) I’m dead

Clearly, anyone who believes the Bible is true has never actually read it.

I'm showing this to my church members. I hope they keep going after seeing them. They enjoy it and I can almost hear their brain cells being to work, maybe for the first time.

THE SCREAMING WHILE THE BABIES HIT THEIR FACES GOT ME OFF GUARD I'M WHEEZING

is that jacyln glenn

I'm not an atheist but damn son.. this shit is funny ! sad but funny ! 😂 this darkmatter guy should do movies.

Rachel looks just like Jennifer Aniston

Isaac is really Blake Griffin? haha loved the Chewbacca !

So....Jacob fathered 11 children between 4 different women? That explains the Jerry Springer crowd sound effects. 😂 Also why did gOD pick Jacob over Esau? Maybe because the "original" first two children had a murderer as the first born? Making sense of the Bible is like a screen door on the space shuttle.

Seriously, this is the most hilarious thing I ever saw!!! Every second of this video was brilliant! ... "You have given me the wrong daughter and I have accidentaly boinked her" OMFG!!!!

So basically they was having a competition of who can have more baby's? I need to read the bible more

I believe in God but even I thought it was funny. I personally don't feel it mocks God. Let's face it. God has a sense of humor. At least he does in my life.

Honestly if I was God I'd totally give him the blessing just for the laughs.

Every time the hairy dude makes wookie sounds i can't help but laugh my ass off.

Like it how the angel has marijuana leaf on his crotch.

This was in the bible, gross. What's with all the ancient stories and stuff about disgusting sexual acts?

1:15 The Xbox made me laugh more than i should 😂

rewatching it the Maury crowd sound effects are just way to funny.

Here is how messed up the Torah is, bear in mind the Torah is the first 5 books of the bible. Adam and Eve were the first two Jews. While people claim they were the first two people that is not the literal interpretation. The bible leaves out the spontaneous appearance of Humanity until Cain kill Able. Now understanding that Cain murdered Able (as provoked by God playing favorites between the two,, what a nice father figure) there is a problem in that Jews can only be born of Jewish women. Soooooooooooo.... Cain winds up having children of his own (of a woman who is not Jewish) while living as a pariah. That whole Mark Of Cain thing.... so that begs the question that if Adam and Eve had other children after the fact the bible NEVER mentions that Cain bred among any of them. Now we move on to Noah and his Ark. All of humanity is wiped out save Noah and his family. So now all of humanity is compressed into a singular family line that could only propagate through inbreeding and incest. Time passes and then comes Sodom and Gomorrah. All of Judea is now again compressed right back to a singular family line and with the extermination of humanity again (as inferred by the story) it is down to Lot and his two daughters to give birth to the whole of Judea again. At least the last two passes there were Jewish women to give birth to more Jews. So this means that all of Judea is the result of a lot and I mean a LOT of incest as this story also tells us since marrying cousins is still inbreeding. Does this explain why all of humanity is so screwed up or is it just the Jews? The bible is one perverse story book to say the least! And to think, the Greeks have nothing on the Jews with Oedipus Rex. At least that one was a cautionary tale of the traditions that promote royal lines. But damn if I cannot see at least two references that Judea only survived because of incest.

I'm not sure people are getting the point of this video... they seem to care more about how the characters are portrayed than the fact that logic is being completely violated and that the people of that time thought that breeding goats in front of certain bushes would give them certain traits.

I can't believe people thumbs this down he uses comedy to show how the bible itself is quite a ridiculous book when put into simple terms of course it's not completely accurate but the validity of his points are justifiable me being a Christian I still appreciate the diversity of opinion on the subject matter and it's worth taking seriously as a scholar being disrespectful towards him proves your ignorance to science and facts. It makes me mad when I see the lack of respect for someone who can think for themselves and have a critical thought process which dark matter has, this has become a commodity during my life as few people can think and question the things they know simply because they fail to have the brain power capable of questions it seems. My apologies if my point seemed all over the place I was just irritated and has to get it out. Thank you Dark Matter for your channel which I regularly watch it has been an inspiration for me to see things in a different light than rather what the bible says.

Esau the wookie is hillarious

How does anyone believe in the bible😂??

Dude, the baby fighting scene was awesome! I was laughing the whole time.

“That shit shall never work mother.” I’m dead lol!

Missed the part where Esau sold his birth right to Jacob for a bowl of lentils

I seriously thought this was all just a made up parody so I went and looked at the exact verses he was posting, I thought I knew just how over the top absurd the Bible was until I I just read the actual lines, faith in humanity, completely LOST.

I always point out this story when christians complain about marriage stuff. It was a contract, not any of the crap they think it is.

Fun fact: This story gave some inspiration for "A Handmaiden's Tale"

Who needs reality shows and porn when you've got it all in the bible.

Does anyone notice Jacob is supposed to look like Jacob from the Twilight series (Taylor Lautner), Rachel from Friends (Jennifer Aniston) and then...Princess Leia...sorry if it was obvious for everyone else, lol, but I just caught on xD

We're supposed believe that man didn't evolve but a woman gave birth to chewbacca?

"That shit shalt never work, mother" Poetry

That religion is a manmade fairy tale. Lord of the rings is much better than bible tho

I'm religious, but this is hilarious!

I will pay money just to see all of Genesis done like this. If it was the whole bible, it would be immeasurably awesome.

"sausage wallet" LMFAO

update: my stepmom kicked me out because of this video i am now apparently a witch

Felt kind of guilty for laughing at this since i am somewhat of a christian myself but meh it was pretty funny.

The Bible is essentially just one massive episode of Jeremy Kyle. . Except episodes of Jeremy Kyle actually happened.

Surprisingly accurate, as far as I can tell. Except for the God part, that is.

How Jesus floats on water ? shit floats on water

God: Let's fuck with him. Me: X___X

Church would be 1000x more interesting if this was shown XD

Poor Esau he was cursed and doomed at the start to begin with ...

"Lord, though I have boinked my wife copiously....." Damn, the video starts with a bang lol