One thing I've learned about myself is that I cannot be physically intimate if there is no emotional intimacy, even if I physically feel ready. If I feel presently hurt, guilty, unloved or even myself being unloving, physical or sexual connection is specifically upsetting to me.
I am literally working through this with my therapist and actually needed this exact advice, I struggle with feeling disliked or unwanted once my relationships whether friendships or romantic get emotionally intimate because they know the "real me" and I often feel like the me that I've created that is going to university, working hard and socialising is "fake". It is a massive struggle, and this video was really helpful today in combination with what I'm doing with my therapist! Thanks Jono & Alicia! (Hope I spelt that correctly)
People often use the phrase "unconditional love" and hold it up as an ideal behavior, but truly unconditional love isn't healthy either. For example, I will never tell anyone that they should keep loving an abuser no matter what they do. It is okay to stop loving someone who hurts you like that. That isn't to say that someone who has been an abuser isn't deserving of any love or isn't capable of eliminating that behavior, just that the person they have abused has no obligation to remain in that situation. Having reasonable boundaries is healthy.
Even if you truly do love them ... that doesn't mean you can't still have boundaries or refuse to keep certain things or people in your life, if they're jeopardizing your life or wellbeing and such. Like, there's a difference between loving someone unconditionally and/or genuinely wanting the best for them, versus allowing someone a place immediately around you or within your life unconditionally &/or prioritizing what's best for someone else over what's best for you regardless of whether they also prioritize what's best for you over themself equally as much as you do for them. If they genuinely love you back, too, matters and is an exceptionally relevant key! (Or, if you're the person being loved, whether or not you are genuinely loving back the person who is genuinely loving toward you.) Love, and relationships, are two-way streets-and fully 3-dimensional things. Something I learned pretty young in life was this concept of "a good host would bend over backward for their guests"-but my own add-on was always, "but a good guest would never ask their host to ever actually do so". And that has stuck with me, forever. Unconditional love is fine, but _blind_ love *isn't* (You have to be aware of who you are loving or not, and mindful of whether or not they are a "good guest" or a "bad" one.) - if love is blind, in my opinion, it's not really love at all. ((If any of that even makes any sense! ^--^ Lolll😁))
@@jaginaiaelectrizs6341 You made sense to me! I've heard the phrase "unconditional love is not unconditional tolerance," and I think that's along the lines of what you're saying. You can love someone and still pull back from (or leave) someone because you can no longer tolerate how they behave, for example. We don't have to stick it out because we feel love for them, and it's also not our job to hurt ourselves or make ourselves miserable so that someone who is hurting us or making us miserable feels comfortable.
Hey the good thing for me than is that I am reeeaaally bad at pretending to be some8ne I am not XD although I was rejected and bullied and definitely saw myself as unlovable and I wanted to pretend to be someone I am not but I never could follow through with it for a longer period of time. It gets so sxhausting soo fast to me so I was like "f%#& it if they don't like me as is I prefer to be alone" and with my now husband he always immediatly saw through when I tried to pretend I was something I wasn't. I really hope I do the same for him n.n Thanks for this very nice and important video! You guys are amazing
I think my biggest challenge is that I don't trust the other person, even if they try to take that step? Words of affirmation, etc, just always strike me a being really fake and insincere for whatever reason and it makes it hard to progress any further than surface level.
Barriers: Self-love and acceptance. Knowing who and how to trust. These videos are very helpful and appreciated. Thank you for your insights and knowledge. You make the idea of dating, loving someone, and being vulnerable less terrifying.
12:21 Hoo boy, if this isn't me to a "T". I overshare all the time because I'm so desperate for intimacy. I didn't ask to be called out like this, Jono! Edit: But for reals, love you guys. Thanks for this video. It's reminded me of something I need to focus on. And to not be selfish when it comes to emotional intimacy.
(Spoiler warning for how to train your dragon, I know the movie came out long ago, but maybe some haven't seen it yet) I really like the river and log analogy of how you take one or two steps towards the other person and then wait for the other person to do so as well. In a way it reminds of the movie how to train your dragon. In particular the scene "forbidden friendship", where Hiccup and Toothless first connect to each other and have their first touch. (I recommend re-watching it). You can see how Hiccup and Toothless take little steps (or take the next log on the river) towards each other and then wait for the other one to so as well. It doesn't just go on forminutes, as Hiccup wants to move faster than Toothless is willing to do. Hiccup waits, Toothless takes the next step. they continue to (literally) approach each other until they have one of the most touching moments in movie history (in my opinion). I'm just so surprised that a Viking boy and a dragon act as if they have watched a couple of Mended Light Videos. No wonder they have such a good friendship.
Every women I ever met was impressed by what I said to them and I am honestly not bragging right now just sharing the truth- When they tell me almost every man today is talking about the size of their penis and about sex too soon. I answer that this is not the kind of guy I am, that I want the heart before I want the body. Working on the emotional connection first is really important to me. The thing is- Sometimes you feel this is the right person and everything for a while goes well, but then one day you are open about something and being criticized for it. The person you gave your heart for just broke that emotional connection. What do you do in such a situation? For me it's extremely hard to show trust and if someone breaks it I cut right away. Cutting is the choice which is right for me but may not be right for someone else. So I ask you guys- Is there a place for a 2nd chance or beyond?
And how to tell your significant others that their action that continues to hurt you isn’t “who he is”? He doesn’t seem to understand why it hurts you even tho you have set a clear boundaries since the beginning? He’ll just say “love me for who I am” while I’m the one having to love him for “who he is” while my feelings get invalidated?
How do you create intimacy with your partner when you've already been together for years and you've either grown into different people and feel off kilter when having discussions where you felt you knew what they would think but don't or if they tell you that what they showed you before wasn't really them but the mask that they thought would please you?
It's very important and useful to have close relationships with significant people with whom we can completely relax and be truly who we are, honest, authentic and to be able to show them our vulnerability without fear of judgement or rejection. And not to just present the best version of ourselves to them with a mask on, because we are afraid to open up to them. Sometimes, even just one person like that is enough. Then, they are our best friend. Others are also important, but not as much because our degree of closeness, sharing and essential connection with them is much lower.
I'm in love with a wonderful man. Our only issue is my willingness to open up. I can chit chat all day but being vulnerable is where I'm failing. This video has been helpful
You don't forgive him in a way that basically permits him to continue hurting you without a care in the world. You can distance yourself from him (if we're talking about grave offences) and then just forgive him in your mind, as in "I will not lose a minute of sleep ruminating over how he could do this and why he didn't apologize, he just can and he just didn't, it has nothing to do with me - it's his baggage, I am free to go on with my life without him".
I found myself to be quite quick at adjusting to anticipated expectations i never explicitly talked about - especially with my significant other! Only recently i've started to pause for a brief moment to reflect on and question my motives when noticing that pattern of mine. Saved me a bunch of hassle already. 🌱 thx for your insights 🙏🏻
@@xLiLlyx98 One example: _if_ an the _very way_ she favours to be approached when i can sense she carries some tension or anxiety, not yet able to put her finger on it hetself. Took me quite some time to realize that without thinking about it i was projecting past experiences with other women on her - ignoring she was different and i had to drop old baggage myself.
