Childhood Neglect and the Attraction to People Who Don't Care About You 

Needed to hear this and it helped immensely to process a situation that came up recently without getting in a cycle of dysregulation and destructive behaviour. After following this channel for about a year listening to one of your video's became a great tool to regulate as well.

I’m in the same boat, where I don’t feel people care or ask about me. Where I think they want me to be agreeable instead of a whole person. When dating now, I keep finding people who do not hold space for me. It’s annoying, and I’m learning not to dismiss those feelings

Who feels anxious right now?

I have gotten to a place where if someone does care it’s a bonus in my life. I’ve had to learn to care for myself. Then I learned I’m the only one who CAN care for me the way I need. And I’ve been doing it so long that the thought of letting someone care for me distresses me.

It is so difficult to move past abandonment issues. They creep back up years after you think they’ve been resolved

Feelings of “no one cares” is very real and I am 73 now. And in lots of cases it’s true. When I’m at my lowest my it haunts me eventhough I have two family members who care. Perhaps out of obligation or whatever is their reason. And believe me, many many seniors feel abandoned because they really are. Or they do not want to be a burden. So yes, early traumas that have been worked thru previously can return and haunting when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable since childhood. May the Force Be With You All.

I'm definitely not attracted to people who do not care about me anymore. My boundaries are strong. It is largely why I presently have no people: In the last several years I have let those with whom relationships were one-sided go, and surprise! No one is left. I know there are people in the world who will care, and will show up, I'm just not sure how to meet them. Each time I have met someone with whom I've felt there could be friendship, ultimately there have been stumblings and little hurts needing repair or more information, but that's when others stop showing up or they think it can be sorted via text, where tone and texture are often lost, and things actually worsen as a result. I want to do relationship with folks who check _in_ to meet difficulty, not out, and it has been so, so hard to co-create.

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams What has helped me is to determine what each friend is: a giver or a taker. With most people you know right away. Avoid takers in your life.

James you ain't alone brother!

"Nobody cares about you"....Mommy Dearest ......she still wants her daughter to be greatfull and shames her for complaining

I feel nothing from people and I feel nothing for people completely dead feeling on the inside.

I think it is really hard to outgrow friends. For me, it’s not only not wanting to be alone (but realizing that I feel alone with them anyway), it’s also that I’m still learning how to accept, feel, and process my feelings. And, by extension, the sadness I feel at the loss of friendship. You have to grieve when your body needs it. Grieving feels hard and scary alone and I end up avoiding it. I’m slowly but surely picking away at it as I get stronger, and the thoughts and feelings of “they weren’t the right people for me” get louder.

This is the first time I have heard someone share the same experience about having a breakdown in the first year of college. My breakdown was so severe, I had to quit college and it lasted for many years. (Depression and severe panic attacks) I am so grateful to be on the other side of all of the pain, though a lifetime of acute trauma has taken a toll. One day at a time there is freedom!

Sometimes I feel like the person who doesn’t care about me, actually needs the care the most.

I started my new job and the trauma came flooding in i use to work in the morning cry every night had so much anxiety till i quit and worked in my healing i am 24 . Your trauma will catch you in the worst possible times

Once again. I can really relate. I’m 67 and it’s still causing pain and grief. At this point, I’ve tried so much. I just don’t think it can be fixed. I am happier now accepting my fate.

Thank you for this. I see more clearly how my parents worked hard to normalize their neglect of my brother and I. I just found a new counselor to replace the one who retired, and this one's well-versed in romantic limerence, my biggest challenge right now. The on-and-off-again attention is just what I grew up with. I healed a lot with my late beloved 2nd husband, but I still have this bread-crumb hunting reflex. It's the dopamine fix from withheld attention suddenly being piled on. Crazy-making.

Once after a surgery, a friend told me don't think people don't care. But I was hoping they would visit me, it should be normal things but some took their time. It's also important to be near people who are available, especially when you have a difficult moment. Ultimately people say they are too busy. But it's a question of priority. Now I try not to expect too much and think that people will be there if they want to be.

Yes, indeed. This struggle is very relatable. The sensation others really don't care is such a hurtful one. In addition comes the lack of trust that when others actually do reach out, they really mean it and will stick around. Healing takes time but getting there. Hoping the best for James and others here, too.

James, you are definitely not alone. You can finish school. Stay focused. You will make new friends in the next chapter of your life. Keep healing. I have the same wounds. Work on yourself, especially when seeking a significant other. Look to have some fun and find people that reciprocate. Hang in there. Sending love and hugs.

Wow, I feel for this guy. I feel like I'm in the same boat with a very similar childhood, but at 45.

Its not a feeling that no one cares, its a fact.

It finally dawned on me that I’ve been the Ping with my parents this whole time. It’s my turn to be Pong, but I cant hold my breath so I Ping again, because i’m afraid the longer I wait for them to Pong, the more dysregulated I get. But when I do, I become resentful; It’s as if I never enter their mind.

I have friends whom I reunited with from 40 years ago and I know they care. We are family now. I was the family scape goat and was abandoned by them. Much happier now.

I definitely have experience with this. That feeling of no one caring crept up a lot in work situations for me where it WAS clear that people don't care because everyone is just trying to get through the day and get a paycheck. That got harder and harder in toxic work environments where stress and expectations were constantly building. I often ended up saying the 'wrong thing' (meaning the truth) to managers when they would put excessive stress on the staff to get things done. I'd end up berating them about not giving a shit about how the work gets done as long as it gets done and they'd try to pretend to care after that. They never did though.

There's a reason for (pre-natal) PTSD/cPTSD that can result in inexplicable abandonment issues later in life: Losing your twin in your mother's womb. It's called "Vanishing Twin Syndrome". It's real, and it hurts, but it's worth looking into it.

I became "the clown." At least I got some attention with my jokes and wit, before fading into complete obscurity once again. 😢 It's like I never existed in people's minds. They literally didn't see me - and still don't. I felt so unwanted as a child and still do. Edit: I know I'm only posting this because I want attention! 😂

This man expresses the situation very well. It's hard to come face-to-face with this, but he's done it.

That was so spot on with the friends that don’t want to see someone change and view those who do as getting above themselves. This seems to bleed into the class structure of the Anglo sphere and other cultures too, generally. Fear is such a controlling aspect of life like a straitjacket nobody wants to see anyone naked of their fear. Too many metaphors perhaps.Maybe that’s why we have celebrities to hand our hopes on so we don’t have to be our best selves, ourselves. Thanks for the thought provoking info.

Every time I listen to a healing video I fall asleep--how is that for brain regeneration?!

How is it that my dysfunctional deceased mother hurt me the most, but was also the one who loved me the most? Im lost without her....but i see how she damaged me so very badly. Survived now struggling to survive.

I don't feel anyone cares because actually no one does. No one does. No one. And there's plenty of women like me.

It's not the same, James, and I'm much further along. I have been there and done that with people who don't care. Furthermore, I've been there with people who pretended to care but were much more interested in my wallet than me. I reached the point where it was simply easier to go it alone. That's not because I want it that way; it's self-defense.

I'm scared of making friends before quite a few have passed away, I find it really hard to make friends😢

I hear you and I know. I fear abandonment from friends and if I'm enough.

How do you stay healed when people bring up your past who don't know you, who throw it out on the internet like confetti? Malicious people who only want you to hurt yourself?

I am in a similar transition and sometimes it feels very lonely. The inner critic sends attacks of self-doubt but, as Anna says, I know it's temporary. Don't give up on healing, it's worth it!

Oh, that's more than just a FEELING that nobody cares. It's a terrible certainty, confirmed by long years of research.

This was a really well Written letter. James I wish you all the best and there are many of us out here who are behind you.

I suffer from this very profoundly, but i can't pinpoint any neglect from my parents. Things became chaotic during my adolescence, but my childhood was peaceful. Yet, i was disconnected from others since very early on. We weren't socially integrated, though, as my parents were foreigners in the country I was raised in.

It took me a long time to find caring friends. In fact I got most joy out of being in a helping profession not expecting anything in return. Even now, retired, I have moments when I feel unloved even by my husband and adult son and I freak out. (They do love me. ) this sounds crazy but twice in my life I’ve had surgery. Friends came forward then. I was astounded to realize that people care for me.

Sometimes seeing a friend healing inspires one to work on their own healing. And if they don't stick around then it makes room for the right friends, I think. A dog can be a good friend in the meantime and they always care about their person.😊 🐶

I can totally relate to this James. I’m right there with you.

This has been my life story, and is literally insane this popped up in my timeline just at the right time. Thank you 😢

Thank you for this information

This is the video that I've felt the most out of all your videos. I'm 36 and am going through another transition in my life, but this time I'm finding that my authentic self is good enough that I dont need to hide it. It's just practice now to let it out more regularly to more people in my life & learning to accept the loney middle periods.

This person’s experience is like mine. Trauma from early neglect. Went to uni and it all came to fruition. Made lots of friends who only suited a certain purpose in a certain part of life. Now I’m getting only I am asking myself what friends I need in my life. I have one friend who is great and we have lots of amazing time together and very similar interests but he is extremely competitive and when I do or say anything it’s like he thinks I’m saying it because im competing, whereas I’m merely saying it because I’ve experienced something etc or have an ambition to do something. I just want friends in my life who take a vested interest in what I say and are engaged in what I say rather than just roll their eyes if i talk too much.

I believe people do not care for me because I have had so much trauma. It is very for anyone to deal with the black hole of abandonment issues. Im almost 60, and my circle has been reduced to one friend and one niece that I've only developed a relationship with in the past year. Her Mom is my half sister- I was estranged from her during her childhood because it was difficult for me to be around their dysfunction. She has eluded to childhood SA trauma, abuse, and neglect. I am just now working through my traumas, and it is difficult to be around anyone, honestly.

Hard stuff - attachment disorder component, neglect component, developmental trauma/ response (internal) … blah blah blah. Ugh.

Oh, I've been there & getting out of some group of negative friends, I fell right into more toxic ones who faked helping me..finally, I know I need to believe in myself and act as my friend before letting people in + have boundaries. Two of my previous friends are in contact, happily enough, with boundaries. You get the right ones back 😊

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in but never really a part of.

Hi Anna! I am getting CLOSER to joining your courses ❤❤❤ TY for the work you are doing!

Have I been needing this, for a long time. Grateful to find this.

We love all the booing and jeering caught on tape. Our gift to posterity.

James I’m so sorry this happened to you. I was ignored and unwanted by my own family, so I get how hard it can be. You can get through this. Give yourself credit for reaching out. Deep down, you know you have enough worth to seek healing. And you can heal! I wish you the best in your healing journey and I know you can succeed.

I was introduced to this person by my brother who bailed after. I tried to get away from him so many times, due to so much corruption in one county.

I've realized that people who just care about themselves, their own good time, having fun, taking what they can... are often some of the most miserable people ever. And, well, maybe they are like this because they should be. It makes sense in that scenario. I don't hate them. And that despite the difficulties I have, I am NOT like that and can take comfort in that. Choosing to have genuine care for others adds depth and peace to my life. It's okay to focus on others. The point is not to do it in a self-abandoning way.

I'm so thankful for you.

And having a Traumatic Brain Injury-(TBI) makes things worse because people don't understand my daily struggles.. sad😢..

I'm going through that now. Sometimes, you just got to clean house.

Thanks

I relate with nearly everyone in the comments and the person in the story. Basically had my abuse bingo card blacked out during childhood, only connected with a single cousin and she's got a selfish husband and a son now so she's too busy to even send a text back once every 3 months. Tried to have friends many times, but eventually id either be discarded cause i didnt conform or id only forge toxic trauma bonds and get used as their emotional validation blanket. So i got pets and do lots of hobbies and things by myself now. People are hella dissapointing and the more i try the more despondant i become when it just keeps failing and i can't seem to find anyone who actually wants to spend time together and not just use me to fufill some hidden agenda.

I feel this a lot...sad...😢

How can a lifetime of feeling like a mistake be explained so articulately by a stranger? Thank you for this. I was neglected and abused since birth. The day I was brought home from the hospital, my mother put me on the porch and forgot about me. I was burned over my entire body. That was the beginning of living in survival mode. I was self-harming by 5 years old, banging my head against the wall until I fell on my bed semi-concious. The craziest part is that I didn't even know I was being mistreated until I was in my 40s. (I'm almost 50). I was made to feel so small that I never learned how to stand up for myself, or feel like I deserved respect. My dad loved me, but he was a busy physician, giving his heart and soul to patients. My mother tolerated me, and didn't give birth to a child as much as her own pain. She has blamed me for everything from being a difficult pregnancy to keeping her from grad school. As I got older, she would accuse me of having "your father's brain" which felt like an insult, but it was really her jealousy. She kept achievement scores from me to stop be from being haughty. I can't tell you how much I could have used a boost to my self esteem back then. At 10 years old, I had stomach ulcers. I was never taken to the pediatrician. Ever. Dad brought home antibiotics when I was sick and that was that. I married a terribly abusive man who is a textbook psychopath. He continued the abuse that I escaped from. The person who wrote the letter makes me so sad. The only happy time in my life was college. The time in between my parents and my husband. When I was in labor with my first child, I was sure a monster was going to come from my defective body. My children are the best things I have ever done. I left my husband and he abandoned the kids and moved away to start his third family. I had done such a stellar job of covering for him, my mother's loyalty was with him during the divorce. When my sister overdosed only weeks after my dad passed from Parkinsons, I finally said no. I wouldn't help her cover up my sister's struggle. A struggle so similar to my own. I was quickly legally disinherited and written out of the family Trust. The manipulation tactics she uses are so painful. She uses my sensitive son as a middleman, and has now declared that she will be just fine without me for the rest of her life. I don't know what the solution is. I stumbled upon great support in AA. They get it. But I still reel from any kind of rejection and I feel like everything that happens is my fault. Last week, I was telling my therapist how much I was struggling with the upcoming anniversary of my sister's death. I stopped talking and realized he had fallen asleep. Today, I told him I don't want to continue meeting. But in the silence, I feel like I bored him into sleep.

Wow this hit home

Anyone else notice the alone in a crowd situation? I feel this at work. We have a lot of young women that believe that all the guys at work want to sleep with them. It might be true. The women keep to themselves. They dont seem to care, which is how they protect themselves. I like a lot of them, but i would just prefer we talk and put the whole sex dynamic to the side. I notice they are pretty, but I don't want them to think I need to sleep with them. Strange and sad dynamics for young women.

I facilitate a support group for survivors and people effected by Traumatic Brain Injury-(TBI)... It helps to connect to others that have similar struggles that I have..

It is so horrible! I have a handful of family & believe in God with all my heart! The reason I walked away from my horrible dysfunctional family! Forever to be there scapegoat of there sins! A unit of harden unbelievable criminals! That would put the pro under the table criminals to shame!

🏆

And then you marry one. For 37 years.

Story of my life and I'm too old

Not in the least. I never reached out to them a single time and look what transpires. How's all the retirees, Big Tech? APB?

Seems like so much dysfunction comes from how we deal with our economic circumstances. I sound like Captain Obvious here.

I live in Australia, I am interested in details about the course you have. I have CPTSD myself and have been considering studying in this area so that I can assist my clients as I work with people with disabilities to help them gain employment in the open employment market. I am finding that more and more of my clients have CPTSD either diagnosed or undiagnosed.

Empathy for others. It would be nice if everyone would treat others the way that they want to be treated. Everyone is having to deal with some type of life challenge. I think that God allows us to go through hard times so that we can help others. Thank you so much, Ms Anna. You are helping so many people, especially those that feel that no one understands what they have been through and are going through. God bless you!

Super curious how this interacts with neurodivergence. I’m a hodgepodge of both.

Hi Anna I was wondering how do we know if our letters to askthefairy will be read? I mean you have thoudsands of followers so I can't imagine how many letters you get, I know you can't answer all of them. But in case that it will be read in one of your videos, do your team answers saying hey a video will come out about this? I gave my authorization at the end of my latter so I do want to get that chance. But like how do I know if it has been read already? I don't really have time to watch all the videos

Can you make a video on why we second guess ourself when setting boundaries or remove ourselves from relationships and situations that might not be good for us? I always second guess myself, when I feel something is not right, or if I gets highly disregulated. I want to remove myself, but keep asking myself «am I over reacting?» and I feel guilt for wanting to look after my own needs. I dont think people always try to be mean, but people have theie own issues, and that make them not healthy for me to stick around with. Could be their personality, their way of being without it being toxic or a red flag, just a bad fit. Yet I still feel I should fit myself to them, so I am not The one leaving. I stay, way to long, and I end up hurt in The end. Can you make a video on that, ? If you already did, I’ll check it out.

Sorry can follow. This is to close to my experience

This sounds very normal actually. Kind of the human condition as it is.

I want to disappear from this world. 🥀

Lmao why you always in my businesssssss 😅 huh okay okay fairy mother my ears are open 🫣

James, Jesus loves you. I hope you can find your way to a relationship with him. ❤

I detest most people 😢 ❤️‍🩹

💎💎