Emotional Neglect: 4 Subtle but Painful Things You May Have Missed Growing Up | Dr. Jonice Webb 

I was emotionally neglected. My mum would say ‘there’s something to cry for’ and smack me. If I said I was bored I was told only boring people get bored. We had everything we needed as in clothes and food. Dad died last year and mum now has dementia and is in a care home, I am doing everything I can to help her, visiting, making sure she has all she needs. Mostly I just feel sad that I didn’t know a mothers love. I am 60 tomorrow and I have always just felt sad.

I grew up in the 70s, and I feel like this was just how parents were at that time. I'm sure there are some exceptions, but for the most part, people didn't talk about emotions. They didn't acknowledge trauma, and the prevailing "wisdom" was to "get over it".

I’m 83. I grew up barely seen and never heard. Told I was never wanted and do not bother me. Crippling thing for a child. I sought affection and what I thought was love and this left such scars. Finally found peace at 63.

1) Not asked many questions about their emotions 2) Family not use many words describing emotion 3) Not having freedom to talk about things that involve feeling 4) Not have ability to see self reflected in parent’s eyes

I am 64 years old and just learning about how hurt and invalidated I felt during my childhood. My mother always told me I cried too much. My parents never asked how I was feeling and feelings were really something that was taboo in my family. I was emotionally neglected and learning this now helps me be a better person today.

I’m 51 years old and finally feel like I have found the answer to why I am the way I am. Things make so much sense to me now that I know I am a highly sensitive person who grew up emotionally neglected. This is all new to me and I’m feeling like I’m mourning what I didn’t get. But hopefully soon I will get past that and work on trying to improve my future. Thank you for putting this information out there. I think it will help me tremendously.

I can relate to all 4 of these things. I was never asked about things, more so just told what I would do and there was no discussion. There was very little discussion about anything. I learned to fend for myself and never ask for help. Looking back I excelled in many things throughout high school, college, and life, yet I was never celebrated, congratulated, or encouraged. I am just now at 64 beginning to ask myself, "what do I want?", "what do I feel?" Learning to observe myself instead of just living to do what everyone else thinks I should do.

So much love to everyone who was emotionally neglected as children ❤🥲❤

We were neglected by our emotionally immature parents. Ours was a “loveless” family. Emotions were avoided except for anger, and hatred which caused chaos. The middle girl became the parent and was abusive. As a result, I never know what to say to anyone. Im awkward socially, and I’ve lived 70 years like this.

I'm 70 years old and just now learn that I was gaslighted my entire life. I heard that I was neurotic and too sensitive. My mother was emotionally vacant and blamed me for a lot of things. I know that I am a warm, loving and giving person and I tell myself that daily now. I chose a career as a massage therapist and don't think that was an accident. I experienced no touch as a child. She's in a rehab center now after two falls over the past year. All of the emotional neglect is coming up in me and I struggle with her neediness but am trying to take the high ground. Thank you for this video.

I’m realizing each generation of my family suffered from emotional neglect and the cycle just continued unnoticed. No one in my family knows how to celebrate each other and we don’t say I love you to each other. It caused major problems when my uncle passed away because my grandmother refuses to believe the issues that followed stems from her lack of affection. I always wished I had the mother-daughter relationships I see others have and I’m working hard to make sure I pour into my daughter and break the cycle

I’m the oldest of five girls. We were never asked our opinions, we were expected to “salute and ask how high to jump!” Our mother was sweet but sort of helpless…and our father ruled the house. No outward display of affection , either, or positive affirmations for any accomplishments, etc. My sisters and I raised our children so differently, thank goodness.

I think my parents were so unhappy married to each other and focused on their own unhappiness that they neglected asking if we kids were okay-emotionally. At 66, Ive been having flashbacks of my awful experiences in Catholic school -and Im realizing why I feel so anxious in many situations. Im that little girl being bullied and mortified by the nuns and then feeling not good enough. I never talked about my tough times in school with my parents because I didnt think they would think it was important.

Thank you very much. Growing up in the seventies I don't remember anyone, my parents, relatives, neighbors, teachers talking about emotions let alone asking children questions about it. This is very helpful!

in my fundamentalist Christian Scientist family we were not allowed to talk about death, loss, grief ..... all of that was considered an 'error' in thinking. When my playmate from across the street lost her entire family in a car accident, the whole topic was shut down, I wasn't allowed to see her. It's only recently that I have realized how incredibly damaging this was to my whole being.

Wow…I have been a child with a tiger mom and commander dad. As an empath, I was told that I am too sensitive my whole life. I have recently begun healing and forgiveness, but realised I have abandoned myself my entire life to fit in

Very insightful. I'm 62, had a alcoholic dad and a mom depressed. She died when I was 12. We were left to ourselves not even relatives helped. Left home at 13. Never went back. A lot more to the story and I've always have known I'm emotionally stunned. Was there for my wonderful kids. But to this day can't tell someone what I want. No favorite color ect... so different from other people. Have never had counseling except from the Lord who has helped me a lot.

Usually, the parents experienced emotional neglect when they were growing up. I know my Dad was treated horribly by his parents & my mother never got many warm fuzzies. Puzzling though, is that when my sister & I had children we made a point to be very nurturing to our children. Giving them what we didn't get.

I appreciate this so much. I'm 47 and grew up in the 80's and 90's. I think a lot of families were like mine; parents stressed about money, overwhelmed by work and the demands of life left my parents always depleted, with little interest in their kids. Yes, we had food, clothes and shelter but children also need love and attention. There wasn't much in the way of positive feedback, interest or affection. When you grow up feeling like you don't matter, it impacts every area of your life as an adult. I'm still trying to heal.

This was my childhood. I was the only child of two alcoholic parents who went through the Great Depression, Dust Bowl and WW2. They had absolutely no idea how to relate to a child. I think after they had me they realized that having kids was a terrible mistake. Their motto was “ Children should be seen and not heard.” I was not spoken to unless they were issuing a direct order to do something. I was sent off to sit by myself in another room whenever they had anything to discuss. Because they never talked with me, I never learned who they were as people. There were no family rules, only explosive screaming if I accidentally did something they didn’t like. They did everything they could to avoid me, and finally threw me out of the house at age 19 when they disapproved of my college housing arrangement. They are long gone, but I still wonder what made them so hateful and intolerant.

When my Counsellor suggested that my parents may have failed me, I felt angry. I thought, "here we go, the usual parent-blame which Counsellors go in for." I truly believed my parents were as fine as possible and that I had an exceptionally good childhood, and in certain ways, this was true. But coming across this video and, for the first time, the concept of emotional neglect, I can now see where I was not served as a child. I hold my late parents in the highest regard for what they did give me, but at the same time I see things more clearly now. Thank you for this video.

My father paid little attention to me but my mother was very kind, praising and attentive. I think that emotional neglect from just one parent still leaves a void. My fathers neglect on me has left me feeling insecure and always wondering who likes me and who doesn’t in this world. A lack of assurance from my father has had a profound effect on me and yet my mother’s assurances gave me the skill to be loving, attentive to my own children.

So many of these comments are my story... I always felt NOBODY else experienced those things & felt like I did. It’s the reason I chose to never have children, although I love them... I knew I never wanted to help them feel like I was feeling but didn’t know how to rectify it. I’m 61 now... just learning about all of it for the past 5 years.

What’s Interesting in this emotional neglect topic is that we grow up, become parents and no one has shown us how to teach these skills to our own children! Our heart and desire to do so is in there but we cannot teach what we do not know ourselves so the unhealthy cycle continues unless you can identify the gaps, do the emotional work and healing with a qualified, super aware, progressive counselor!

I didn't have any of this growing up and actually thought people who gave this to their kids were coddling them and they were bad parents. Somehow, I knew I had to raise my children differently. My husband, who grew up neglected and abused, and I did better raising our children, but could have done better. The problem was we knew what NOT to do, but not what to do. We could be factual, but no emotions (You lost the game, but you made a great play.) I am realizing the elusive missing piece- emotions. I was that kid who couldn't have any problems because my parents were together, lived in a nice house, had all needs met, went on vacations, yet I always felt like an outsider and didn't have a clue about who I was or what I wanted. When I was a teenager and skipping school, experiment with drugs and alcohol I was told "At least you don't have real problems like other kids."

My parents only spoke to me to criticise. I had zero social skills. Now that I am almost 60 and have sorted it all out, I am going through basically a redo of my young years. I love working with young people, helping them to succeed, and seeing the ones who are lucky enough to be well adjusted. I don't try to be young, I just like to be around them and see them doing all the things I was never able to, it gives me hope for the world. So many of us messed up people.

Hugging was never done in my household, I can’t remember my parents ever cuddling me, feelings were never discussed, but I was a sensitive child, I loved animals so cuddled them instead. I myself am afraid of rejection from even my own adult children.

My great-grandmother sat on the cottage doorstep, as a young child, waiting for her mother. Her older four siblings had gone to a funeral and she had stayed home with her younger sister who was too young to go. No-one had thought to tell them that their mother wouldn't be coming back. Days later, she realised that it had been her mother's funeral.

I am 78, and was brought up by my grand-parents who really didnt want me, as they already had 5 kids, including my father, who was an alcoholic, and left my mother who ended up with mental health problems. Always was told I was crazy like my mother. Got married young to leave home. Had alot of problems running around with men and my husband travelled alot and was also unfaithful. But we managed to still be together, raised 3 good children, and have 6 grandchildren. Having our 60th anniversary this Dec. I was always a care giver and wanted to be liked. Anyway, had a lot of heart ache but lots of good times too. But mostly felt empty and that something was missing in me.

Wow, well I can certainly relate to all 4 of those things. I was born late 1950’s. My parents were 35 & I had a brother age 8. It became apparent that I was “unplanned”. My mother was the boss but there was little engagement from either parent. I was fed & clothed adequately but emotionally there was zero. No talking, unless I was being shouted at for something, if I cried (which I learned not to do mostly) I would be told to stop crying or I’d be given something to cry about which meant a smack. Never asked why I was crying or upset. The background was children should be seen & not heard & they certainly shouldn’t question anything or express feelings or thoughts. There were no hugs & kisses, so much so that I’ve never been comfortable with that as an adult. It just feels alien to me. I decided not to have children because I’m almost ashamed to say I am a lot like my mother & I don’t know if I could’ve given a child what I never had. I’m 64 & don’t regret my decision but it’s sad to think about what I missed out on as a child.

I'm 50 with 2 grown sons that I probably overcompensated in this area. They tell me I went overboard asking them things or over expressing things. It takes me 3000 miles a roadmap and a passport to go 5 steps . So when I heard you describing these things. It was like you were explaining my life to someone, I just always thought I wasn't any good and was a waste of a life , really, and I was so unbelievably in awe that I had children being such a lost cause, that I wanted to try to avoid things that really destroyed me. I know things have been so hard on my boys and because of me. I really appreciate you making this video. I've been trying to find a way to heal or at least learn to accept myself before I die, for about 5-10 yrs . And I never seem to get out of the water before I start drowning again. But I know that today, I felt like I had my foot steady and stopped falling. I can't tell you how huge that is. I don't know if it makes sense. But thank you for placing a real step for me to safely stop. That's a very needed thing in this world. 😞😓💕

I had quite severe neglect and my father died when I was 7 and even prior to that he was barely around as he had severe MS. My mother has very little emotional intelligence and simply was barely around from a very young age. My brother was very angry and hated and resented me and is now very I’ll with MS as well. I have ADHD and ASD likely in part made worse by all this. I struggle with social relationships - find people patronising and don’t have any. I have had psychotherapy some 20 years ago. It wasn’t really useful. I have turned to alternative therapy to seek support at times. I am currently trying to work more on self forgiveness and letting go of some of it. I appreciate there is a lot of damage and can only work to try to reduce this as I gain insight. What is most difficult socially is the impulsive part of the ADHD which is what massively messes things up socially and I blurt out things I regret and people don’t want to talk to me. I have tried medication but can’t tolerate it. I am not convinced getting further therapy at this stage will help me do anything that I can’t learn somehow myself. I am not depressed but emotionally exhausted really.

I think I learned at a young age that any display of feelings was "inconvenient" to my parents. For example - when a death in the close family happened - expressing any emotion about the loss was not allowed as I was "to young to understand", "I couldn't know what love is" or I was "putting on a show" of sadness for attention. The expectation was that I should be quiet, keep out the way and be emotionless Its been quite challenging as an adult to feel worth of showing love, care and connection

No wants, no needs, no feelings. I learned very early in life . The End Peace

All of the above, couldn’t talk, express yourself, ask questions, say how you feeling, and never asked. Specific example: our mom had terminal cancer for 3 years. We were 5 kids ages 9-19 when she died. We knew we couldn’t ask questions when she was sick, and we weren’t told. She was in her room with nurses 24/7, syringes in the trash, was jaundiced and skeletal. We rarely went in her room. One day my father said “You’re not going to school today. Your mother died last night.” End of story. She never said goodbye or that she loved us. Literally it was never talked about again by anyone in our family. Never asked how we were doing, how we felt, given any support. Example 2: I became pregnant when I was 16. I miscarried by myself. It was traumatic. I couldn’t tell anyone. My father only found out because there were complications a week later and I was hospitalized. talked about, like it didn’t happen. I’m 71 and still haunted by it.

Thank you I did get a lot out of this😊 I am 55 I am a gen-xer and I just don't think that feelings were talked about in our generation. I remember being bullied by other children coming home,and wanting some comfort, and my mom saying just remember sticks and stones will break your bones ,but names will never hurt you. I'm so happy that things are getting better in this generation😊❤

I am a "baby boomer" from the 50's. We were told how to think and feel. Communication was a vague understanding of what you heard or saw from mom or dad. We were expected to know how to act without simple love or guidance. Even now I'm having trouble putting this into words that make sense. You're insight have reinforced so of what I have been able to grasp over the years. I distinctly remember one of my younger siblings being in his crib in a room by himself where he would rock back and forth hitting his head and thus moving the crib. Sounds so horrible but it was normal part of our childhood.

Only very recently realized, that though my mother Idolized me, and my father was kind & caring, but somewhat distant (I was an only child), that there WERE 'things' I totally missed out on because I thought I was brought up 'normal'. When I was 14 my father had to put my mother, temporarily, in a mental institution. We both knew for many years that "Mom" was a little 'crazy', but it wasn't till my Dad was confronted by angry neighbors and landlord that we finally had to get her evaluated. She was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Before that happened we moved around a lot, just one step ahead of being evicted or charged because of my mother's unusual behavior. This was from the early 50s to the mid 60s, when she was institutionalized, and the mentally ill in families were 'hidden' and dealt with only within the family. I grew up feeling always defensive and worried if someone found out, but I also had a subconscious anger that we had to move so often, with little chance to make friends or find supportive neighbors. Also had no support from other family members. My mother 'loved' me, but now I realize as only an 'adjunct' to herself, as if I was her 'baby doll', and not a real person, with my own personality, likes & dislikes, etc. My father didn't either have the 'heart' or knowledge to get help for my mother, until it was too obvious to ignore. She came back to live with us because I was still a minor and someone had to take care of me while he was at work. But afterwards I felt even more my "mother's keeper", and life resumed being lived on 'pins & needles.' It is a damnable thing to admit to, but I actually sighed in relief when my mother eventually died in a rehab hospital from heart and lung issues, in 1998, at 79. Up to now I've 'buried' my smoldering hatred for my mother and what she did to my father and I, and also just now coming to terms with my heretofore unacknowledged resentment towards my father for not being "The Parent" to help and shield me. Nobody asked questions of me, as mentioned above. Neither parents, teachers, etc. I only now am asking myself these questions, and the answers and feelings shock me.😞 P.S. My apologies for 'dumping' on this audience, but I feel somewhat 'lightened' from burdens carried over 65 years.

My mother had schizophrenia. I didn’t know there was a name for it until I was 16. Long story. But, though my mother loved us and took care of our physical needs, took us where we needed to go, and was even affectionate and funny at times, I lost out on some things that some other people seemed to take for granted. Since there was a “vow of silence” around this in the family no emotional issues were ever talked about, especially not how hard this was for us kids. No one noticed I was smart except my grandmother. No one talked about college with me - a girl growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. No one wanted wanted to hear how frightened I was when Mom melted down with my friends there. I have worked hard on myself in order to be my best. But I sure wish that little girl had had someone listen to her. Thank you for your video.

My mother's sister told her son - who told me - that my parents had 2 children. They weren't crazy about children, and after having a boy and a girl, they both thought they were done. But that was before birth control, so I came along. Not being asked questions (other than `are your chores done') was my childhood, too. And the 'shit runs downhill' saying. I'll practice asking myself as you recommend and thanks. Am in my 60's and am still haunted by those years of feeling in the way.

I remember whilst at my fathers funeral my mother turned to my brother and said abruptly, ( I thought I told you not to cry) just about says it all.😢

I'm 72. Something happened last year that sent me to a therapist. A repeat of childhood neglect of my emotions was the root cause for last year. I really appreciate you telling us how to bring health to ourselves. Thank you.

Now that I am grown and have children, I am constantly telling them that I love them, "good night love you" "good bye love you" and it dawned on me and I later confirmed with other siblings we never heard that as a child it's like hugging and all that was akwardly avoided.

I think my mom was an emotionally neglected child so she didn't have skills to use in raising her daughters. (I also suspect, given what I have learned about their life stories, that both my mother's mother and my dad's mother didn't get much emotional nurturing I've been dealing with this all my life. I now get the full picture.

I’m 57 and almost 5 years into my healing journey. All 4 points of emotional neglect were true for me growing up, plus emotional (mostly verbal) abuse. I was criticised, blamed, ostracised and bullied at home for showing my feelings. I grew up thinking I was weird for what I felt, all while not understanding what those feelings were, nor how to regulate myself. All I had learned was that emoting and, by inference, even feeling, was somehow wrong. I’m highly sensitive, highly gifted, and was very recently diagnosed with ADHD. I’m glad to know what’s been “wrong” and take meds, and have gained access to a deeper layer of trauma to process. I’ve been made to feel guilty all my life for being (perceived as) weird, lazy, unmotivated, and not living up to anyone’s standards. I now know I was not to blame and am learning to be more understanding of myself.

Reading the comments remind me of my childhood and it makes me angry. Praying for everyone listening and sharing their story. Sending Love, air hugs, and healing prayers. God bless you ❤

Really appreciate this video.. I was about 36 years old when someone - someone i just started dating after my marriage broke up - asked me how my day was. Parents and family never asked me, husband never asked me. I realized then how important that was to be asked that, and how much I'd missed out on something so basic.

We were never asked how was your day, how do you feel, or anything of that nature. The only emotions in our home was anger and fear. Now as an adult, when I get my feelings hurt, it turns into instant anger. So if the person didn’t mean to, they are absolutely confused as to why I am rage screaming at them. When my grandfather, grandmother, brother, and aunt passed away, I didn’t cry. I felt a tinge of sadness, but I would always push it away and go buy me something. But when my dog passed away in 2020, I bawled my eyes out for 6 straight days and was SAD for months. I’m 52 and I’ve been on a quest to unravel this and feel the love that my family gives me. Honestly, the only emotions I know is anger and instant gratification. Being aware of this would seem like I should be on my way to healthy emotions, but I’m not, I don’t know how to be any other way. I just want to be happy and helpful to people, not this angry old woman who refuses to leave her home accept for once a week to take her son to town on Fridays. Thanks for listening.

I recently elected to seek counseling after a doctors visit and was asked as part of my routine visit “ do you feel depressed ?” After seeing a wonderful counselor several times, she diagnosed me as having Dysthymia. She said that I’m a true survivor as I’ve not reverted to drugs or alcohol to squelch my inner pain. I’m almost 59 years old and my parents were not emotionally equipped to be functioning parents. I had 3 other sisters and my mother played favorites with two of my sisters and my one other sister was my fathers favorite. I was the youngest and definitely was not spoiled. I pretty much raised myself and suffered abuse from my sisters also. Especially my directly older sister who still to this day has a violent temper. Each day has a baseline of depression, whatever the day brings can sway my emotional scale by the end of the day. My parents were both emotionally neglectful with all four of us but I was especially singled out. My children are adults now with the exception of my teenage son. I made it a point NOT to do to my children what my parents did to me. They are my life raft, they are the only persons who have saved me from sinking.

I was in an emotionally neglectful family. My mum and dad knew no different as they too had been brought up in an emotionally negectful family. I had children and though l tried to raise my 3 children differently I hadn't the tools or rescources to completely turn this around for the next generaton. I recognise this and take full responsility for the damage that I have done to them. Indeed with my eldest, who struggled with the fact that she was emotionally neglected by me, have spent a few years in coming to a new understanding with each other. I knew that if I wished to be connected to her in a deep way I had to apologise and and show her my failings - a bit like when apartheid South Africa had the Truth and reconcilliation. It's moved us on trmendously. I'm not so interested in the what was done to me but what I am or have done to others. Living like this allows me to live with myself. "I am human and I have failed"

Sadly, I grew up emotionally neglected, but I didn’t realize it until recently, and even more sadly, because I never learned any of these things in my family of origin, I never taught them to my own children. I never asked them about how they were felling, etc.. I think these are learned things, and having never learned them, I could never teach them. I grew up always feeling bad about myself, and I still do. The negative self-talk never goes away. Thankfully, I have a husband who loves me for who I am. But other relationships are very difficult for me. So much going on inside my head. Trying hard to figure out who I am and what I like.

Agree to all. Sounds like me at 63. As well as being the scapegoat which is continuing. Trying to rise above it. We are THRIVERS❤️ our parents from that generation we’re highly stunted emotionally I believe , and it’s generational. I was dismissed and discounted and never asked what I wanted. My parents did the best they could but are emotionally stunted themselves and seeing them T mid 80s is deeply saddening to me. I’m the only emotional one in the family and talked behind my back as the crazy one. Scapegoating discounting and disrespect continues with siblings. I’ve been a great THRIVER.

I am 66 years old and based on what you describe in this video, I was severely emotionally neglected. I was never allowed to have my own opinions or likes and dislikes. My parents never cared what I thought about anything and they would ridicule me at every turn if I wasn’t just a carbon copy of them. I hated them from a very young age and wished I were an orphan. I’m not sure why my parents had children. They were verbally and emotionally abusive and my mother who is still alive and now 100, is still messing with me. She is a selfish narcissist and continues to play her head games with me in a passive aggressive way. Fortunately, at this point her mind is going and so it’s gotten a little better. But my brother who is her caregiver has taken her place. Every day I wish these people were out of my life for good. The only reason I have anything do with them at all is for my father’s family inheritance. If it weren’t for that I would have kicked them all to the curb 40 years ago.

Oh crikey! All of the above! It’s impossible to imagine my parents asking me what I’m thinking or feeling or talking with me about difficult things. That vocab was never around.

I was the youngest of my parents' children . They were older, and I was told often that I was their midlife mistake. There were no emotional words used. I was never asked how I felt. I am 67 and have tried to break that neglect. I talk to my own kids about their feelings.

Yes, I experienced childhood emotional neglect. As a very young child I was very aware that I was supposed to toughen up and that my parents had little patience for emotions. When my family was plunged into the full effects of my mother’s alcoholism, our feelings were again nul and void as all the focus (attention ) was on her and keeping the family secret. That part, I still have issues with my parents about, but the earlier stuff, I now think they didn’t have the skills to do better being the products of their own “children will be seen and not heard” childhoods. I believe I did better with my own children although, I certainly didn’t have the tools, and I certainly wasn’t perfect at it, I instinctively knew I had to do better with my own kids. Perhaps that was my rebellious act - setting out to be very different from my parents. I’m watching my kids parent now, and thankfully the legacy of emotional neglect is a thing of the past. When you know better, you do better.

Ive always known. My mom is absolutely self centered. This hits it on the nail. She wasn’t abusive. But she always ONLY thought of herself. Now, I have the joy of taking care of her in her old age. I’m an only child. She STILL does, everything is about her. If I could afford it, it’d kick her to curb in a hot second. She checked out when I was 14. I guess I was old enough to take care of myself. And my dad. Poor man. He worked himself to the bone for her. I did his laundry, and fed him dinner. She was busy with school. For years. Which she did absoLUTY did nothing with, btw. She couldn’t even be bothered to sit by him when he was on his deathbed. What a hassle! He LITERALLY checked into the hospital in his work clothes. And they were still there when he died. That’s how short it was. She was there, (I guess) that’s what she SAID, but who knows. and this is a quote of my husband, who took shifts with me and her (grudgingly) well, this might take a while! But, *** (me) just INSISTS on somebody being with him! My husband said said that she is is the coldest person he has ever met. And he’s not sensitive.

Questions were frowned on, my father was authoritarian, we were to be seen, not heard. We were not asked basic things, like do you like this item, would you like to go to the park, nothing. Mom had 6 kids, not sure why they had even 1. Feelings were not discussed. Problems were not talked about. School was not talked about...we were all pretty invisible.

This video was incredible. I am 67 and have struggled my whole life with … a variety of things. As you’re talking about emotional neglect, though, I have to say that for me, it was being told that I didn’t really feel the way that I felt. So not only was I told i didn’t know what I felt, I was programmed to not trust what I felt. This was by a narcissistic mother. So if I ever got close to the point of thinking that I knew how I was feeling about some thing, she literally let me know that “that’s not how you feel, this is how you feel.” I have spent my entire life trying to overcome this programming. .

My mother was very scarred by childhood hardships and the effects of the depression cemented those scars into her psyche. I believe her parenting techniques were formed by those scars to encourage detachment and self reliance. This resulted in me being a risk taker and not always in a good way. I withhold emotions seeing it as weakness. My sister (14 years older in age) and I have talked about this as each others therapist. She knows better than anyone how I feel. At 70 yo, I know this has served to make me financially successful but lonely and devoid of true love or friendships.

We were allowed to be angry but not sad. They ignored our tears when we were hurting. I think it’s because they couldn’t handle their own sadness. I still have a hard time crying in front of others - except my husband. One of the reasons I loved him so much was because he was very good at comforting and cuddling me when I needed to sob my heart out, and he would murmur sweet words of love with his arms around me. He healed me emotionally. But I still have remnants of thinking I “shouldn’t” be telling people about my difficult feelings, or asking others (even close friends) for emotional support and help.

TV shows like Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and friendships outside the family saved me in childhood.

This " emotional neglect " causes various attachment disorders in adulthood. Shalom

My parents never mentioned my emotions unless it was to punish me as I was not allowed to be Angy, I had a father who delighted in making his kids cry...what you are describing, I can only imagine happpening

This is my first video of yours and I appreciate it. What I like is that you're able to talk about family dynamics in which the parents were not totally neglectful or cruel, but still missed the mark in a lot of ways. It's important to talk about that, both for ourselves and our descendants.

My husband once told me that he felt like he grew up in a daycare center. He said he was always, fed, clothed, and clean but no one ever held him or rocked him or told him he was loved.

Something like one of the first things you mentioned was a phrase that came to me when I was doing some art therapy out of a book I got: "What I want matters." Growing up, I was the oldest and I was told I had to put my feelings aside because there were four other kids besides me. My best friend moved away after first grade and I don't ever remember anyone recognized how sad I was. I've known I've always had trouble with loss and didn't realize it until I did a lot of self-discovery through this artwork. These are only a couple things. Thank you.

I can soooooo relate yo this. Worse, I’m a HSP and my parents were narcissistic. Yikes, really bad. After 20 years of emotional work (I’m turning 61 in a few weeks) and it’s the best work that anyone can do, so liberating. It’s also helped my friends very much, with some loving probing , to help them to open up as well. Today I had a privilege and a honor to ask children questions and give them a voice and helping them to connect with themselves. I get to do it often and I love it.

Yep! My siblings and I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I don’t know if she was truly a diagnosable narcissist, but she had LOTS of the characteristics! Sadly, it is my children have taught me so much! Kindly pointing out when I am overly sensitive, and things like that. One time I said to our teenaged daughter how sorry I was she didn’t have grandparents like I did. She stopped in her tracks, turned to me and said, “Mom, I would MUCH rather have wonderful parents like I do than wonderful grandparents like you did.” INSTANT TEARS!

It’s not forgettable or unnoticeable, it’s continuous and painful and stays with you forever. You just learn to deal with it and ensure your children don’t have this problem whilst growing up.

Hi Dr Webb. Thanks for sharing this video. I'm a young 61years old woman. I experienced emotional neglect as a child from both parent's, and other abuses. Brought up in an environment where children should be seen but not heard. It was painful to feel I wasn't loved and as a result have had difficulties building friendships, relationships because of a lack of trust. Fearful of making connections, worried I would get hurt, rejected or, attracting the wrong people to me. Those that may have been genuine I denied myself maybe because it was unfamiliar to me. Resulting in a lifelong merry go round of trauma. Now I see more clearly but still have a fear of connecting. I would dearly love to meet someone special. But because I got battered so much emotionally it's difficult to let go of fear, shame and periods of feeling inadequate. How do I connect with people personally in respect of what to talk about when mostly all I've had is trauma, upsets. I fear I may be judged or seen as a damaged person not worth troubling with.

I have been emotionally neglect as a child, and it has been very difficult in my adulthood 😢

Wow, I am getting goosebumps while listening to this great video. I feel all ist true. But I can't understand this. I love my parents and I thought that I had a very good childhood. But something isn't good. Something that I can't even remember. But I can't bear when somebody doesn't listen to me, when somebody tells me that he isn't interested in what I want to tell. I am nearly crying if someone treats me like this. And I can't make decisions. Every decision I feel that it is wrong. But it is possible that the key to this problems are in being emotional neglected? But I nearly can't ask this question. Cause I would tell my parents that they did something wrong in my childhood. I feel guilty by telling this, even if I tell it only inside my heart.

As a Gen X child who had an alcoholic mom, I felt this! Our generation literally had to remind our parents,by PSAs on tv, that they even had kids.😢

#1 is so important. If you combine it with a form of the Worf hypothesis, it says that, e.g., if you never learned the words for sadness, not only can you not express your sadness, you can't even conceive of the idea of sadness. You simply won't understand what it is if you see it or feel it. Probably you'd think it's some kind of physical symptom like headache or nausea. This doesn't seem that outlandish of a possibility to me. I think I didn't understand what anger in myself was for a long time (although I did know the word and could identify it in others, I conceived of it as a brain malfunction that thankfully I was not susceptible to)

Emotion sharing and being authentic to feelings were an extremely dangerous event in my home growing up. I remember getting a scalding hot pizza slice dropped on my bare leg tasty side down and starting to cry from the surprise and pain. This seemed like a normal response to this event. However, my poor Mom who was so terrified of her husband and my narcissistic pyscho "dad", she shut my crying down and said don't you dare cry. Anytime we got hurt on her watch we had to endure a torturous session or sessions of questioning from the pyscho. You better have your story together about a bruise or scratch or anything else. He would "inspect" our bodies when we were little. He would question you over and over to make sure he was getting a consistent response. I grew up thinking this was normal because it was normalized. I thought every kid had an A hole father that always took things too far. So, my ability to lie convincingly started at a very young age, it was self-preservation. My lies saved me from many unnecessary punishments and was done largely to keep the lid on the pyscho as it flipped so easily.

Beautiful explanation. I experienced this - but it wasn't till my late 30s and early 40s after years of suffering did I start to join the dots. This 'lack of identity' went to the extreme for me - unknowingly, I suffered from borderline personality disorder most of my life, it was missed by a host of professionals until 41. (I'm now in remission.). This endless terrifying untethered feeling, zero sense of who you are, inability to see or feel agency in your own future, the gnawing shame, sense of deep defectiveness... all of it comes from neglect. The lack of asking questions / checking in by my parents also led to zero sense of continuity in life, for me. And issues with object permanence. I'm working hard to build what I wasn't given. It's a rebirth, really.

Thank you. I'm 65 and learning to take notice of myself. My parents ignored me most of the time. My mother told me on many occasions that i was a mistake. Thanks, mum! She died 20 years ago, after becoming an alcoholic. My dad was emotionally blank. I had two older brothers who were academically gifted and could do no wrong, and my older sister was wanted because she was a girl and oh so pretty. It's hard to remember what didn't happen: all the loving things that were never there.

So glad I found this video. I have defiantly been emotionally neglected growing up. My Mom's biggest complaint about me was "You're too sensitive." If my Dad ever asked about how I was regarding emotions, there would be a chance that he would react violently. If my Dad asked me any of those questions, I would be terrified to answer them.

I’m 62 widow, 2d of 4 girls. I remember everything bad in my life, very few nice/spectacular happenings. At 6 I remember my dad blaming me for not watching my 3 year old sister when she got hit by a car. My older sister was quite a handful and loud and dramatic so I remember just not wanting to cause my mom any problems because between my dad, older sister, the injured 3 yr old and the baby, I decided just to not cause trouble. I think my mom was just very stressed, then she left him, got back together then divorced him. I never had a relationship with him as he was just there, the only good thing about me that impressed him was that I was blonde like him. I have always struggled with how I feel about things, I get triggered then upset when I’m criticized, but I’m extremely patient with others when they are cranky as though I have to stay calm, I probably come off as non-caring but literally just don’t want to get upset. I can get upset with my own family but they probably don’t see the significance of me feeling safe with my kids. I struggle with feeling lonely, unloved by most in my life and that no one gets me. Just figured out this year I have adhd and given my childhood have masked most of my life to get people to like me. Didn’t really work. Now I just don’t want to be around people and therapy is just too damn expensive, so I’m going back to shrinking so that I don’t bother anyone. Vicious circle!

Wow! I just found you this Saturday morning, August 19, 2023, and all of that you covered is exactly what I experienced as a child. And why I didn’t go for the healthier of relationships in dating. And with many friendships. I just didn’t know what I didn’t know. Thank you so much for sharing g this vital information! I subscribed immediately! And I’m sharing the video!

Thank you Dr. Jonice as you helped me to understand why I am the way I am. I grew up in a large family(10 siblings) with much chaos with a mentally ill father. My dear mother had all she could do to keep us all fed and well cared for. But we all suffered silently. Two of my siblings committed suicide. I always felt unnoticed...the words I used, being from an Italian family...were I felt: "Lost in the sauce". You have given me the compassion I need and tools to move forward. God bless you and thank you again for being here for us who suffer from CEN. 🥰

This is me exactly...my parents were both narcissistic and now dead...I have a hard time forgiving them...I was the only Christian in my family...

This is so good! I sent the link to all of my kids because I was their; unhealed emotionally abused little girl trying to be a whole mother, and without ever having these tools. I’m 52 and therapy is something I needed way too early in life but didn’t get until my early 40’s. They get to see a better version of me now, but I know it’s never going to be perfect because we simply can’t undo all the damage that was done to us, however, it’s never too late to take a baby step towards healing and learning to forgive ourselves for not being able to give what we didn’t possess at the time. ❤

I was the youngest out of 9 children. Didn't even realize how emotional neglect affected me until now. I am 60. Wow I love watching your videos.

Very thought provoking! I’m 69 and was not given encouragement that I would be anyone important or do anything important. I’ve struggled all my life.

This is a deeply important topic to last youngest neglected siblings. Its important to validate what is unvalidated. To become whole and complete daily.

This was very helpful. Thank you! I am 61 now and have been struggling with knowing what i want. I developed a habit of tuning out by watching t.v. I like writing and painting and i have been avoiding these things. I moved across the country to get away from my family. I use to say that i could say anything i wanted as long as it was what my parents wanted to hear. There is a gift somewhere in my situation and my job is to find it and move forward.

Dr. you just framed all the things that I used to feel perplexed about. I see people talk about what they love, they talk about their emotions, they firmly assert who they're but if anyone asks me this I really don't have answers about who am I, what's my self-image. I'm more worried about what I "should" like than actually pondering upon what makes me happy. Well, the first thing ever come to my mind about what I want is genuine love & connection but I struggle a lot lot in actually forming a bond. :'!

i’m 62. narcissist mother.left home age 16, she’s literally destroyed my mind my anxiety is crippling me. my son recently died, we found messages she sent . she contributed to his death 100% in grey rock now.dipped in over the years but she constantly triggered me. i’m only now learning about narcissists. i had no idea.

Pretty much all of them. No one ever asked me how I was feeling, or noticed. Or told me that any of that mattered. Working on that now. It’s hard, and really scary. I always cry when I’m trying to acknowledge my feelings, whether alone or with someone. I’m terrified I’ll be shamed, like my dad did to me. We skirted all issues, especially important ones. Reflection of me too. All of them. I’m going to do that exercise at the end. Read your book too. Thanks

I grew up in the fifties and don't recall anybody talking about feelings, ever. My grandfather lost his father when he was only eight years old. His first wife died young, 49, of cancer. My grandmother was one of six children, but only three of them lived to be ten years old. My Mother-in-law's brother was killed on Okinawa during WWII. He was 21. Her first husband died at 61, she remarried a widower whose first wife also died at 61. It wasn't that long ago that loss was part of life, everybody's life, and all anybody could do was get on with it. They grieved, and they pushed on, and buried their emotions along with the dead. Many people experienced the loss of siblings, parents and grandparents while they were still very young themselves. Everybody was feeling sad, but after the funeral, they didn't talk about it. I think everybody was emotionally neglected.

Thank you for this. I was raised by abusive and neglectful parents. Every day, I work on myself and look for answers.

My parents were young & had 4 kids. We were all neglected to a degree and some bad things did happen. Yet I don’t Blame my parents. I see they did the best they could and appreciate we had it better then they did as children. It’s sad how so many people seem to blame everything in their life on their parents as though they had all their own needs met and just CHOSE to neglect them. They didn’t have time, money or resources. Few books, no Google, few counselors, no RU-vid. I Thank God for my parents. Wish things had been easier but honor them for trying their best with little tools and resources. Glad we have resources today to help heal so abundantly all around us for those who care to take responsibility for their life today. The part we can control.

I'm 64 and this is the first time I have been able to really hear this information and process that all these things were missing from my childhood! Thank you for breaking it down into manageable bits of education. It's a lot to take in and it also explains a lot. I have subscribed to your channel and look forward to more videos.

Wow! Boy this me to a tee. My parents were very closed off, especially my mother. I was never asked anything about my feelings. I was lucky if she even acknowledged me each day. Very little physical contact. Can’t even remember a time that she hugged me as a child or adult. When she came down with Alzheimer’s it was really hard to feel any empathy for her because I had no connection with her. My dad was the complete opposite but was an alcoholic, a good one though who always hugged me and told me he loved me. I grew up in the 70’s and I could of got into so much trouble but I refused to give my mother any reason to dislike me more. I’m glad I promised myself when I had children that I would be the complete opposite of how I was raised. I think I did a pretty good job along with my husband who was from a home of very little physical contact but always had wonderful discussions about life, ask his opinions etc. at the dinner table. Our kids have grown up knowing we love them, that their feelings matter, they can express their opinions, even if we don’t agree and even now in their 30’s mom calls them to see if I can come by because I need a hug. Their wives were a little weirded out at first but now when I get there they are the first one in line!

One of the important aspects of therapy is being able to name your emotions. If your emotions are just angry, depressed, sad, neutral, or safe, you don't know what you are feeling a lot of the time. It took me a long time to learn that shame and depression were the same thing for me. It took me a while to understand that when I used the word "thing" that was about shame or sometimes guilt. "Things felt bad," meant I felt shame over something. Yes, we were quite closed down as little ones and young adults. TY for the video. PS For men, part of the reason we have fewer names for our emotions aside from hormones is that the culture limits them and what we call them. Grief is not appreciated and is likely to be disparaged in men. A lot of therapy for me has involved being able to grieve.

I found your book Running on Empty some years ago. Absolutely brilliant, it helped me and is now helping me to help my clients. Thank you

I come from a difficult background. Alcoholic father and a depressed mother. I could identify with all that you said. Thank you

I grew up in a very emotionally neglectful family. My father was a truck driver and wasn't home much and my mother was not a warm or caring person. She was very physically abusive to my 2 brothers and very verbally abusive to them and to me, as I was the oldest girl (I'm in my 70s and have an older brother). Her favorite communication with all but one of her children were to tell us we were "dumb, just like your idiot father", "you're never going to amount to anything", just to name a few of her favorite phrases. I was caring for my infant siblings when I was only 8 because I was told I had to help care for them (my thought was that I am a child and I don't know how, but I had to learn). I was made to hang laundry on the clothesline in winter and take them down and was told I would get beaten if I let the sheets touch the ground (I was all of 6 years old and had to stand on a chair in order to reach the clothesline). Some of the abuse stopped when my father came home unexpectedly from a trip and found me struggling to take down the clothes. Many years ago I came to realize that my mother had some very serious mental problems that came to the surface when I was about 19 and was left in charge of my 3 siblings who were still at home. She argued constantly with my father and whenever I begged her to quit fighting with my daddy she was very dismissive, so I developed stomach issues. I appreciate the information you share with us and think it has helped me realize I really do have some value. Thank you!