CPTSD And the Urge to "Help" Those Who Hurt You 

I love your videos 💗💗💗 you are truly doing God’s will . I have been doing the daily practice every morning it is so healing along with my faith in God each day I am healing ❤️‍🩹. Thank you for all you do and share 😊

One of the signs that I'm healing from CPTSD is that I no longer feel the need to fix/help others. I now assume that as adults they are capable of fixing themselves and also I don't want to waste my energy on other people =neglect myself 😊

Anna I just joined your daily practice. I'm 70 years old and have been trying to get well since 1972. Thank you for speaking the truth clearly.

It's not worth the mental gymnastics to figure out whether he's lying or not. He's not available. Period. Sending you hugs, you are strong and self aware. You have to move on from this guy and you can do it. You deserve happiness

The fact that he ignored your birthday is all you need to know about him. Move on. You deserve more.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

One thing that struck me in this letter was Aimee's projection. She said he could be safe with her, but none of his communication said he felt that way. He was being triggered by it. He was avoiding. She wanted to be a safe space, but one person can't decide if they're safe for someone else. Only the oher person can decide that. We can be supportive and caring, but we don't get to say if someone else feels safe with us.

I've learned if I want a project to fix, I can work on myself. Others, especially if they say they are not available, and ghost to drive the point across, have their own journey. "Fixing" someone else, even if we could, is robbing them of their free will and of their ability to heal themselves. Healing comes from within, not from someone trying to mold them to what you may think they need. Your job is you, with compassion for others, but you first. 💜

I don't think I've ever had the urge to "help" anyone who hurt me - my urge was to avoid them. So I did.

I'm a woman who can relate deeply to the man in this situation. Intimacy and trust is so, so difficult for me. If he says he can't handle a relationship you need to believe him. It's not your place to try to change his mind. This has nothing to do with you because he can't take that step with you, this is his issues with trust and intimacy.

Sunken cost fallacy: the idea that I put a everything into this and I can’t possibly give up now! Just thought I’d do some preemptive objection busting 😊

Your season with that man is up. The what when why doesn’t matter at this point. Move forward and focus on yourself. Do not let someone put your life on hold and waste your time. Life and time is too precious and you deserve someone that is physically and emotionally available to you as you are to them.

This is so sad - i feel like i went through the same story. A broken and unavailable person is probably an accurate description for someone who pulls away like that. I did not have as much patience or self conviction that this person is worth it or fear of losing them as the letter writer… but a year on from when we switched from daily phone calls and great camaraderie to the pulling away, I realise the whole thing hurt and exhausted me so much anyway… I tried to but couldn’t fully protect myself from the pain. I wish everyone who dealt with “friends” like these patience and lighter days

I recently got ghosted and it was painful but it's been a month now and I'm feeling grateful for the learning experience. Now I know what to look for in my future partner and stop avoiding the red flags!

"I know he's not a cheater bc the night B4, he told me that he was talking to someone else but he ended it because he was starting to have feelings for me."😐

A good piece of knowledge that Anna has shared with us, is that if anyone seem to show interest in us, most likely than not, that person is also PTSD or has some issues like that. A good idea, IMO, is to proceed with extreme caution, be observant, ... We must always keep in mind that we have great value and we must always treat ourselves like that. "Never tolerate disrespect, not even from yourself."

Often Anna defines limerance as a fantasy romance. With a limerant partner you only see their good qualities (90% of which you've projected onto them because you don't really know them). I feel that long-term online relationships were the two people have never met is similar to limerance. With purely online relationships you only see them at their best: hand picked photos of them at their best. You don't know how they smell, or any bad habits of theirs so you project them having none while smelling great. Even the conversation is always great because again they are only communicating with you when they feel good unlike an in-person relationship which causes you to see them often even at their worst. When it comes to online dating, quickly moving it offline to in person dates is the best move.

Sounds like he was married. Sorry though you went through that. ❤️❤️ It’s hard sometimes, even in long distance relationships to discern what is real. By that I mean that it’s not uncommon for us to love a person in the way we need love. Then sometimes we wonder why they don’t give us what we need. It’s not easy to understand that very few people love and take care of their partners in the exact same way. And when we go through so much trauma that we don’t know what love looks like we can’t recognize it in others. It’s a viscous cycle. I’m 54 and I never thought anyone ever loved me for the first 50 years of my life. I felt that God had written unlovable on my forehead that every one but me could see. Then I got a puppy. He was the first soul in my life where I could see his love for me. Then I started to be able to recognize love others had towards me. He was the biggest blessing my life ever had. I’m not saying get a dog because some of us can’t. I just wanted you to not be so hard on yourself. Plus don’t feel bad if someone doesn’t mirror how you show love. Maybe Anna can give us a video on things we can do to learn how to recognize love from others. It’s a major turning point in lives like ours. 💖💖💖💖

Thank you for your story. I was 15 when I called child protection services to take my brother and I away. We had been in and out of state custody most of our lives. When it came time to be returned to our father this time I went in front of a judge and begged the judge to never let me go home to him again. It was granted and I aged out of a group home at 18. I had a husband that cheated on me as well and was a narcissist. I didn't realize until I started healing just how bad I was treated. This is not a journey for the faint of heart. We are survivors!! We have powers others do not. I work in mental health and see that daily. Keep swimming 😊

I spent years in therapy uncovering unconscious feelings....so painful but without it I would still be mentally disturbed. It's a tough one but will rescue your life.

I've helped family members who've hurt me horribly. I'm really glad I was in a position to help, because one of them recently died. The family held the funeral at a time I couldn't make it. It was probably better for me that I wasn't there. Even the person I helped earlier this year my husband & I sent 100s of dollars to & couldn't get a thank u. I saw her texting other family members in group text. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel guilty when I know I've done all I can. I think GOD for helping me to move away from those ppl. I won't crap fit myself with them ever again. I still feel like the Little Boy on the movie Home Along. I disappeared my family & I'm free. Being alone really isn't so bad. No one to argue with & clean up after. Life can really be great. Not being anyone's slave means u have time for u & things u want to do. We need to get to know ourselves & what we want out of life!!!

Sometimes you gotta let go of what were your best relationships for your own healing………….

I know how it feel , she actually kind of see her inner child in him the real one she want to be there for and say I got you is actually her younger self she may be doing that uncounscuensly like I will give you what I want and you do that for me . She is a really strong one.

After many years of fighting inside me, I understood so much of what was happening to me, thank you for that! I have been going to therapy for some time and these films help me, especially when it comes to limerence and the desire to help others who have hurt us. For many years I had such a pattern, someone was walking over me, and I wanted to help him even more. All these topics became more and more common. They're coming together now, unfortunately ,it's also sad for me, because I felt ashamed because I just wanted to be loved and liked.

And now I am her caregiver, she has stage four Parkinson's. She says all the things she used to say to me while I was growing up. I am 61 years old. Its really hard, she can be so cruel. Thank you Fairy.

For this reason I have LONG believed there are actualky5 F's. Fight Flight Faun Freeze aNd NOW my favorite: FIX!!!!

Investing himself is beyond his abilities obviously. For him to know this, for him to be honest with you, thats a big deal i reckon. I would want someone to respect those wishes. Im cohabiting with my kids and wife but we have separated. I am no longer invested emotionally in her wellbeing and her behaviour regarding my well-being. This has been a great relief for me and for my healing. And i am healing. Studying to return to work and eventually move out so i can move on. As a self aware man on the cptsd healing journey i can share with you that we need to feel safe, we need to heal and we need that to be the strong man we need to be. Thats just how we men are, strength of character and mind so we can support others is in oir DNA. So if we're broken, let us be. So we can heal ourselves.

I’m grateful that you share stories of others. So sad but makes me feel less alone as so much of this letter resonates with me. I feel I need to talk with a therapist but have had a very difficult time finding someone who understands or even acknowledges CPTSD.

The poor bastd is not available. Leave him alone. Don't force yourself on anyone. If they don't want the contact, respect that ffs.

Relationships have to be healthy and mutual. Read the writing in the wall and don’t waste any more time. You can’t fix him. Give your self more and find someone who nurtures and cares about YOU.

I am only halfway through listening to this woman's story, and my heart is beating fast, and my breath is catching in my throat. I pray that she RUNS as quickly as possible from this man. I ended up in a completely dysfunctional marriage with a narcissist, and our story sounds so much like what she is describing.

I think i am a bit late for the writer of the letter to see this but i want to acknowledge the incredible strength she had getting out of her mother's home when she was so young. One of my major regrets in life is not doing that myself. Also experienced a terrible adolescence because of a mother's boyfriend. & i know so well the pain of the mother denying that. I see your childhood pain so well and i'm so sorry for what you went through (and of course, sorry that the pain is a continued battle today. such an injustice).

Thank you for sharing the knowledge of abandonment melange

Sending her a virtual hug. 🤗🤗🤗

Going thru the early stages of a breakup feeling heartbroken, lost and deceived. This story and feedback was very helpful kind of shifting my own thought process so that I can start healing. Thank you

Your first letter I wanted to tell Her some people God puts people in our lives for awhile and than closes the door

I am a lot like this guy unfortunately... I wish I wasn't like this but the traumas of Childhood Sexual Abuse,Physical Injuries( Including a Traumatic Brain Injury) from an Automobile Accident,and several heartbreaks ( Including having a dear female friend being murdered by her fiance)... Has made me avoid relationships with women... It does make me quite sad and lonely..😢..

You deserve to heal ❤ I think it's hard but he doesn't want what you want, but work on yourself first. Try the daily practice and as hard as it is, accept the place you are in right now (I'm still working on this!) and listen to all the CCF pods/videos. Lots of wisdom and fellowship.

Wow I think we all have this

"you need to feel that someones got you, and that it's okay, that they're not going anywhere. You need that." I have been waiting on this from my mother and i realized a few years ago that her approval of me is always going to be withheld. It isnt a fight worth pouring energy into. I will always be wrong, in her eyes. That grief and anger and panic, its more than most people feel. This is why i stay for so many years. It does feel like a life or death situation. My mom left for basic training as soon as i turned one year old. She has avoidant tendencies; ACOA patterns. Her dad sobered up when she was a preteen but the dry alcoholic attitudes in their home persisted. When she came home from basic training and i was bonded with my father, she felt betrayed by me. She never understood that the parent is responsible for being a safe place for the child. As i grew older, she behaved as if there wasn't a power dynamic and my "rejection" of her (not feeling safe with her) could be reasonably responded to with a rejection to me. She decided to have two more kids, let me "be my dad's" (he had chronic depression, now i do too) and pretended as if i was unsafe for her, when all i ever remember wanting was her approval. Any time there was a hint of safety with my family, i lept for it, and my face hit the concrete over and over. I never stopped jumping in. I did not know why she refused to see my side of every single incident, every single day. I did not understand why i was the problem when i worked so hard to not be, meanwhile no one else seemed to pay half as much attention as i did, and they never got blamed. How was it possible that i was more consciencious, but got in trouble, more frequently? When my siblings and i butted heads and needed conflict resolution modeled for us, i was told that i was older and "should know better." At 12 (legal age in my state to babysit) i was expected to watch them daily after school and was not asked if i was willing, nor was i given basic instructions or guidelines, rules. No method of supervision or check ins; i knew CPR, how to get a hold of my grandparents, and how to call 911. When my parents came home, anything that had gone wrong was my fault. I would be punished for a situation i didnt want, didnt agree to, didnt have a way out of, and was not given the tools to handle. I had a routine where i would immediately go to my grandparent's house to watch Survivor and sneak a glass of pepsi, and do any homework i had left. I would return home after my parents fed my siblings dinner, when i could go directly to bed. Why did i not want to be home? I dont remember when i started going to my grandma's on a daily basis. I remember it was quiet there and i felt better, more relaxed. I could breathe. I wasn't actively at risk for getting in trouble (except for maybe seeing some scary movies sooner than i otherwise would have). Any big feelings were to be dealt with alone in my room. I was reframed as aggressive when i was experiencing despair. Despairing because my mother refused to see that i was also human with my own perspective that is *just as valid* as anyone else's; and she made her opinion the family's opinion. She was the captain of that ship. I resented my siblings for the dynamic where i was punished for their shit, not recognizing how my parents could have avoided that set up with some basic communication. They could have proactively worked to get what they wanted, since i was loyal to a fault, rather than punishing me into compliance. That was mostly my mom, my dad maintained the "i just work here," attitude. Now, 32 years later, since my dad passed, I am not invited to family gatherings even though everyone speaks to me and i live in the family home. When there are family vacations, my ex husband pointed out that everyone (covertly) treats me like Cinderella, assuming i will prepare the ENTIRE rental for checkout. I also cook dinners and clean and maintain camp. (I have since implemented a boundary where i get a ride home the day before check out. I take care of the mess i made, as well as the kitchen, before i leave.) I have run into older women who feel like the shadow side of me; i see enabling. We get along great. 😂 😫 I fall for alcoholic avoidants, who at first put me on a pedestal and make me feel "safe and seen," and then withdraw; my perspective and emotions and truth become a burden that they believed they could punish out of me. I hang on for years trying to "get them to see." Then my life blows up when i leave. Been on the merry go round a few times. Now i have a kiddo. I learned that all of my hangups, anything i had not let go, all of my patterns and neurosis would be imprinted onto my son, by living with and interacting with and raising him. Oh, hell no!! 🙅🏻‍♀️ "Your life ain't gonna be nothing like my life. You're gonna grow and have a good life. I'm gonna do what I've got to do." Became my motivation song. I burst into tears when it plays on the radio. My son and I are starting from scratch. I tell him that soon, i am going to start working again, and we will save up money to buy a place for us to grow a garden, and to store our boat; he wants one with a motor, which is fine with me as long as there is a shade canopy. 😊 There are still a couple people we rely on that are unsafe, and have shown that they are unlikely to become emotionally available. I watch them closely, limit what they know about our day to day life, and I am actively working towards getting out of those situations, hopefully without too many negative adjustments for my son. When you know the type of pain we are subscribing our kids for (by avoiding the inner work), it does motivate to set aside our urgent feeling desires for immediate comfort. It is lonely, and it isn't easy. We are made for connection. It won't be like this forever, that's why we are going through this; for something better. To do better and be better, without stressful and ambivalent relationships.

Wow I sent a letter about a very similar person. “Excited” to hear more. What if they started out committed, mentally stable and wanting the same things as you but that changes and you end it for fear of the future with him ending badly?

Sounds like he is married

I have been learning about cptsd and emotional neglect for years but never heard the term "abandonment mélange" and wow, if only I knew. I have always felt break ups to the next level and couldn't understand why it felt like my world was ending. One time I ended up going to the hospital because of a medical reason thats a little TMI but the nurse asked me if I was going through anything stressful and I said a breakup. She asked how long we were together and I told her a couple months and you could tell by the look on her face she was thinking wtf. My body was handling it in a very bad way.. like that of someone dealing with a divorce or death of a family member.

This wanting to help against their will, to break a clear boundary, is quite a telling sign of unhealthy compassion. This feeling that 'only I can fix this one, nobody else can but I could'. It's from us not helping ourselves, right? And it's not ghosting if it was communicated beforehand. I understand that wish to help very well, and agree with Anna's assessment. He can be all good and well meaning, but he has all the needed tools to ask for support from the letter writer, and he doesn't. And personal therapy is better done alone anyway, before moving on to relationships. It's quite common for people inclined to save and fix others, to want to become therapists. Some actually do, and their saviour wishes will be fulfilled at work enough :) Many others, like me, realize they utterly don't care about problems of people they don't yet know ;) And they learn early on not to fix people against their will.

This guy is not the one. He’s just playing. Keep walking forward with your eyes wide open. 🌹

There's probably more than one in this world, but I definitely dated this guy! Starts a long-distance relationship but doesn't really want to be in one? ✔️ Freaks out before birthdays so he doesn't have to spend a day focused on someone else? ✔️ Knows the right words to say but can't follow through? ✔️ Completely emotionally unbalanced and financially precarious but charming, supportive, and charismatic? ✔️ He's probably not intentionally malicious, but he IS toxic and unkind, and we're both lucky to have him out of our lives! For whatever reason, he's not capable of giving you what you want and need and deserve. I'm so sorry. I wish you all the best in moving on!

I'm a guy, and I'm in that situation. She suddenly said, that it doesn't feel right anymore. That she needs to be alone for a while and broke up. She said I did nothing wrong. On the contrary. My heart is shattered. I want her back.

Yes I've been a fixer too a lot with so called friends

This situation is kind of familiar to my situation. I’m having trouble letting go of this friend I got romantically entangled with. We’ve tried to stay friends but they’re also battling with their own CPTSD symptoms which leads to me not getting what I need, feeling triggered and emotionally drained. They’re unsure they can give me what I need, and even though we still want to try to make our friendship work, I’m starting to feel like we’re both unable to resolve things with our current circumstances. It breaks my heart because we both really do care about each other

He does not care about you or he would follow you to the ends of the earth. He does not deserve you.

Appreciate you Doc. You are gracious. Thank you

Needed this ,Thank you !

this move she did resonated with me - I often thought I was morally good by doing the right thing, being the better person, and modeling what I want. And because those were all morally good things, giving things, it would have to work out in the end. Because the world rewards good deeds, and is just, and so on. Well … nope! Even if the other person - my parent, my romantic interest, even in a way my boss - was as good and blameless as I dreamed them to be, there never came a day when the perfect person was freed by my love and acts and they sprung forth with gratitude and respect to take up a loving mutually satisfying relationship with me. I realized some who loved me were loving me in ways other than what I craved and if I could adjust I could see that love is bigger than what I thought - but also that if I wasn’t getting the love I sought I wasn’t going to get it without leaving the tolerable or even great situation to open the door to find a better fit. Not settling, not crapfitting. Not waiting for ten years, or till retirement, or … just risking failure and loneliness and doing the hard work of seeking out something better.

Thank you

Thanks for your service and love for others. Great info have a blessed day ma'am ❤

Thank you for your heart Anna you are truly amazing with all that you went through and learned, helping other to find their authentic self and heal so they too can see their worth and be grateful for their life to build a for filling life and do great things for themselves their family and off course for the whole world❤️🙏

I enjoy learning about the curse my parents evoked on me, C-PTSD. Kudos Anna! I find that while I can check off the box for many key-factors Anna describes that there are quite a few factors where I am the polar opposite. This confuses me. Abandonment: I was abandoned and dreamt/wished of full abandonment. Majority of C-PTSD sufferers are not successful in careers or life but I am the opposite ... I earned an MBA and retired at 50-years. Yes, I am horrible in a relationship (√), I feel guilty for everything (√), and am constantly depressed (√). My question is: "Why am I not mainstream?"

Really interesting video. It definitely helps shed more light on some of my past non-romantic situations where I've propped up peers and colleagues, giving them the support and attention I was desperate for, but not feeling deserving of.

Her story: He, He, He In spite of Me Me Me

When are you going to have a talk show? Does anyone do that anymore? You would be a great success!

You so get it!

I feel like all my problems start from my crappy childhood. I thought that some parts of my brain and personality are at fault because this is me by default, but it seems that my childhood messed up soo much with my destiny

Anna I have abandonement anxiety. Childhood and then over and over and again. I tried everything. Even enlightened master cannot help. I don't know

So sorry for this 12 year old girl. ✝️🙏🏼🛐

Is it my role in life to help partners through hard transitions, then they no longer appeal to me? It seems so.

Well, I think I understand that my horror of a sister, the only one left alive, has never been able to give or receive authentic love. She is so emotionally messed up, that my life is amazing in comparison. She broke her children's spirits. Her daughter walked away from her and her sons will never marry or give her grandchildren. My horror show sister could have been my ally. She could have been my comfort. She could have not been an abusive, oversexed, drug addicted pig. But she was all those things. And here I sit, with a man who loves me and children who care for me, more healed than I ever expected to be. So I keep the door open. I hope to one day tell her about Jesus and how the Lord opened my eyes and softened my heart. My life of 50+ years is a testimony that this is real and if I can dodge the arrows and see her with more love than she had EVER shown her baby sister, maybe she can get healed, too.

Sound like you read my emotions through someones comment🥺🥺i feel like i will never find soemone who will connect with me on this level and that last question Is it Worth to wait,? Or my trauma is just tricking me?💔

The guy who won't reciprocate. He said they were just friends. It doesn't matter what she wants. Walk away for a year and check in if you like but way too much mothering and projecting to be healthy. She's giving him what she needs instead of what he needs. He needs to be alone and uninvolved. He told her so and that's up to her to believe him give up the one-sided future wishing.dream. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings because who really Wants to hurt other people? If she was his person, he wouldn't let her out of his sight. If he was healthy and she was the one for him, then she would know exactly where she stands. I know this because I have lived it too many times. Learn from me. It's not the time for them, or he's not the guy. But whichever one is true, it's time to take a rain check and keep moving forward with building a happy and productive life alone. It should not be a struggle at the beginning. Struggle means it's not the right time or it's not the right person. The right time and the right person are up ahead and not behind. Stop wasting time. Life is short. The right person will show up when we are ready. They are waiting on us to heal and prepare. Just keep swimming. Things will fall into place as they should.❤

Having tough time finding list handling the above.

That's the thing...when you don't believe a "healthy" person would want you so you attach to people who you can identify with, people more wrecked than you, people you can "fix" rather than rebuilding your own psyche.

Does anyone know how we send letters to her? Do you need to be a member of her website?

Think wanting to help esp someone who hurt you might be control, to change a person's behavior or dynamics to keep the relationship. Grasping this concept made a profound impact in my life. Wish I'd known it much earlier. I truly did not see the flip side of the help coin. I used to offer help, was raised this way, perhaps CPTSD, religion, like it was my obligation to help others, plus, at work, you are supposed to be helpful. Bombarded with help messages. Anyhow ff today, I've pulled way back and I love it, very freeing. I also do fewer niceties, eg., used to make the coffee every morning at work, I stopped. People are more capable than you know lol. Is a great relief; being encouraged to help was a heavy responsibility. The only obligation I have now is to myself.

My girlfriend abandons me so badly that I am left in dangerous places to barely survive life. I have PTSD from her.

Someone who tells you that they were talking to someone else-when there’s absolutely no reason to tell you in my opinion is a sign of premeditated deception. I’ve dealt with narcissists my entire life. They plant seeds to be able to create self doubt if there’s signs of cheating during the relationship. They tell you these things to bring them up when you have evidence of infidelity. They’ll say remember when I met you-I told you about that other person. Being raised by narcissists I’ve come to realize that we attract narcissist. This is from my experience.

how about whole world? then what?

I don't think a person can be a therapist and a love interest in a healthy relationship.

Crappy I am extremely curious how you feel about family constellations xxx

he is an avoidant

❤

10:16

Please go to a therapist. I think you need to get away from this train wreck.

can this happen when the generation of the 50's was so busy making appearances that they had no relationship with the kids? it was all about the lawn, the clothes, having more than the neighbors never talked too

INFJ

If he can't handle a relationship why is he talking to women in ways he has to cut off? There's 2 in this story alone. He had enough whatever to give the last lady a heads up when he started seeing Amay but couldn't respect Amay enough to do the same? He got caught. Had to end it fast. My first thought was Dude is married. The more I hear about it the more questions I have. It does not seem like he's just broken, something else is going on. I had a dream and heard words as I woke up to not trust someone repeated two times in that space between dreaming and awake, and it was the second dream I had about this friend. So I stopped communicating, she called once, and that was it. I thought, I better listen this time. I doubt he had a dream like I did. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing. I went through an even harder time after that. Accepted a living situation against that voice in my head and every bodily sensation telling me no, which I later learned from Anna on a call or video that people who are disregulated fail to heed intuition. I don't get strong signals like that every day and I was really confused as to why I didn't heed it. It was 3 months of bad to worse, and I don't think that person would have understood, she didn't really get what I was going through before that, though she tried to be supportive, which was appreciated. Still there was more condescension than understanding. I hope I did the right thing, hopefully for both of us, but if not at least for me. Which is ok that I do the right thing for myself. But regardless of the reason, its done. Whatever the reason is for this case, hopefully she can rest or get closure in the idea that there was "something" at play that now won't be a part of your life, not just the loss of that individual. Maybe imagine that it was something too much for you to take on if that's helpful. I sometimes wonder what was it that was so untrustworthy? But if it really was, and so much so that I was warned, protected, do I really want to know? I asked. Had another dream that was fairly cryptic, didn't write it down, and have now forgotten. Protected. But I remember the verbal warning spoken loudly and twice quite clearly. Might be best to not know.

Is this limerance? This guy is not available and she can't see that.

Sounds like he is playing her he's probably married.

Ladies, you can't handle mens emotions and how men experience emotions. Stop asking us to explain our emotions to you. If men have an emotional problem, tell them to talk with other men. Women go talk to their girlfriends when stuff happens in life, tell men to do the same. Men are different from women and you need to learn to be ok with that.

❤