Clinging to an Ex Will Block You From Healing Abandonment Wounds

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Traumatized children often grow up and "merge" with people who are unstable, emotionally unavailable, or not in love with them. If you respond with anger, clinging and bitterness, it only makes matters worse. In this video I respond to a letter from a young mother who is paralyzed with anger that her ex (and the child's father) has moved on with his life, and struggles to move on with her own.
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Опубликовано:

26 май 2022

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Комментарии : 240

@Nico.584 2 года назад

"Neglected as a child, rejected as an adult".. sounds like the title of my autobiography

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Hahaha... let's change that! -Cara@TeamFairy

@marylkap6498 2 года назад

And mine 😢😢😢

@saltyskin_photography1575 Год назад

Same here 🤦🏻‍♀️

@livelearnandgrow5422 Год назад

Kudos for you for writing all your pain down in your autobiography. I hope you get it published.

@user-deesegma Год назад

Neglected as a child abused as an adult too

@sixthsenseamelia4695 2 года назад

"History doesn't repeat itself, but It often rhymes” - Mark Twain.

@johngallagher72 2 года назад

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. ...Einstein

@tleemf6923 2 года назад

Luvvv this

@g.i.3682 2 года назад

@I know Nothing 🤯 zero comparison, zero!

@FionavanDahl 2 года назад

"See it's like poetry, because it rhymes" --George Lucas

@lisacurtis8162 2 года назад

history does repeat itself.

@shinewithinthedark 2 года назад

My biggest wound is around feeling not wanted. I remember saying "he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me..." With tears in my eyes, everytime I'd feel rejected or turned down. Didn't realize it was classic CPTSD thing.

@oneof134 2 года назад

@rturney6376 2 года назад

So sorry 😢 ; we’ll said

@tomtbi 2 года назад

Sadly I'm in the same boat ...

@TV-fu1ec 2 года назад

Yeah..

@dsb1080 2 года назад

Me, only thing is it was true everytime

@angierobinson8282 2 года назад

The rejection is so overwhelming for us. Be kind to yourself.

@ToshaRaeNailed 2 года назад

If I had a dollar for every man who cheated on me and then married the girl he cheated on me with… I know that can hurt and make one feel like, what was wrong with me? But when you really look at him, he wasn’t some fabulous guy and it wasn’t a great relationship.

@jazmineworthy2010 Год назад

Omg I'm so sorry

@MsPingyin 2 года назад

Again, Anna shows her fairy talent to explain a complicated situation with love, understanding, and compassion. It's hard to let go of something, even though it's terrible, because you are used to it. The unknown is even more frightening. I stayed married for years for the same reason. I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself and let it go (the Frozen song is playing in my head now). Change is hard, but it's still better than being stuck at a dead end.

@juanitamayes6329 2 года назад

I grew up in the middle of a "war" between my parents ... All that jealousy was toxic. All of the back and forth made me completely MISERABLE for over a decade. Please stop this drama that is damaging your son.

@zaygroovie3311 2 года назад

Ya I grew with my parenting throwing cups at each other and usually it would be me trying to calm everything down, One leaving at night and the other chasing after and top of being Severely bullied…. 😂😂 My friends, Welp “ Old friends” used to joke around and say that I had Autism but I guess it was and is C-PTSD… Can’t wait to get therapy and Heal, I’m not self diagnosing but hey ig it is what it is lml

@LisaMaryification 2 года назад

My twin sister and I were rejected and severely abused by our family. One of the worst abusers, our brother, once said we were demanding. But, we consistently only received crumbs compared to him. Sadly, my sister spent the rest of her life trying to get their approval and died of cancer in that house with her abusers. I still attract abusive and rejecting people but I am actively trying to stop that. Last year, I was also diagnosed with cancer. I feel like I must heal from letting these horrible emotional fraudsters into my life. It is a morbid urge to self-harm and I truly believe it has caused my cancer. To save my life I must get to the core of this.

@BlackSheepIncorperated 2 года назад

♥️

@dr.bandito60 Год назад

Sending love and hope for you

@soniafaye9919 Год назад

I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 35, and I know it was in large part due to childhood trauma and the crap-fit relationships that followed.

@jazmineworthy2010 Год назад

Omg in so sorry love 💓

@greenthumb8266 11 месяцев назад

Sending you love and calm and strength 🙏

@rascallyrabbit 2 года назад

It seems we do this because we never had friends. Our family was toxic and we never learned good character traits like trust, compassion, honesty, courage, etc. A true moral friend is essential, in my opinion, to being a happy person

@bellaapple2166 2 года назад

Also most importantly we never learned healthy boundaries, listening to our intuition, and that it's ok to walk away if a friend/partner treats us unkind. We are conditioned to submit to turbulence and stay in turmoil. I have really learned so much from my last two therapist combined with RU-vid. Sometimes I don't have all the answers but if something feels wrong about someone I walk away guilt free.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

@Mary_L this can change! -Cara@TeamFairy

@PamAraujo. 5 месяцев назад

The title alone hurts my heart

@ToshaRaeNailed 2 года назад

It doesn’t sound like he’s too much of a prize so, I wouldn’t be jealous.

@ToshaRaeNailed 2 года назад

Why would she want such a bad guy to chase her? He’s probably only with that same girl bc she hasn’t left. I’m sure he isn’t faithful to her either. Even if he didn’t or wasn’t, she’s gonna have to worry about that with him for the rest of their relationship. Be glad you have a chance to find a better partner. Right now, focus on your child and co parenting.

@oneof134 2 года назад

Woow the fact that she just recreated her childhood just like that... Humans are weird

@tomtbi 2 года назад

The most important thing is to create the healthiest environment for the son to grow up in...

@jessasmrcd 2 года назад

I am 32 as well, and have been in failed relationships due to childhood traumas which resulted in codependency, spitefulness, rage towards them, although somehow I made sure to never have sex with any of these guys due to the fear of falling pregnant and giving an innocent life a similar childhood experience to mine. This lovely lady is putting a lot of my feelings and emotions into words. Right now I feel that no one will want me cause I am not longer in my 20’s, but appreciate the reassurance she refers to early stages of life ❤

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

It is NOT too late, not even close :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@jo-annahicks3324 10 месяцев назад

Do you honestly believe that finding love is only for someone in their twenties?...If so, maybe you need to ask yourself..."where did that belief come from?" Age is no barrier to genuine love...which is what I'm assuming you want. I wish you every future happiness.

@amandagarciapastor6475 3 месяца назад

I am 32 as well and I have a child with my now ex. As she says, I made a trauma induced decision that has changed my life forever but I am grateful as I believe that the birth of her (it was a huge trigger for him) brought me the awareness I needed about the dynamic in the relationship and what needs to be healed. You are still very young and we have an amazing opportunity for self discovery ❤ All the best

@thecommonsensecapricorn 2 года назад

Right on time, Anna. I sent you a similar email the other day. But basically, I left my ex when I was 21, him 25 because he wanted to settle down and start a family and I wanted to explore the world and “chase my dreams.” It’s been 4 years, only 2 years since he stopped reaching out to me, and I find out the other day that he’s been in a relationship for a year and a half, they moved away & live together. It was like grieving the loss all over again but 10x worse because now I know he’s happy without me and I’m still single and have had only disappointment in romantic connections since. I always held onto my ex, believing one day we’d get back together and I wouldn’t have to worry about being alone ever again. But that’s not the case. He moved on, as he should’ve. Even when I moved back to our hometown after 2 years of being broken up, I wasn’t trying to get back together with him, I think he recognized that and realized it’s time to move on. I’ve been so full of regret and what ifs the past few days, but I know it’s just because he’s with someone else and that means our chapter is really, fully closed. No comfort in daydreaming that he’ll take away my fear of dying alone “one day” “when I’m ready to commit”. Because he’s not there anymore. It’s just me. Time to take accountability, learn from this, and move on.

@oneof134 2 года назад

Damn this hurt.. my ex hasn't found someone else but I keep having nightmares about him marrying someone and I'm at the wedding, or his bestfriends telling me how extremely happy he is in his new relationship, or my newest dream was that he posted loving pictures with his new girlfriend with the hashtag #threemonths( we broke up 6 months ago) They are horrible nightmares and I wake up crying with my heart beating fast.. I don't know why my brain does this to me and what is the point, I was the one breaking up because of some core differences we had.. it took me 1 year to do it because he is a wonderful sweet kind person and I love so much.. I don't know how to get over this..

@msk7458 2 года назад

You are still really young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Focus on learning about yourself, introspection, healing and prioritising yourself which you have a head start on, the world will open up to you. There are so many great men out there, have a healthy attachment and you’ll be able to weed out the mess and attract him. All the best.

@dearbrave4183 2 года назад

If you left him to explore the world, not because there was something wrong with him, and with hopes that you might be together in the future , wh date other men then? Because I'm sure he had stayed in contact because he held on to you and perhaps expected that once your exploration is over you could resume, but when you dated you made it obvious that it was over and you moved on and he should do the same. And to be honest it wouldn't have been fair for a man like him who wanted to settle down and waited around for two years for you. For you to accept him just because you are afraid to be alone forever. If you ask me, this is a narcissistic trait. I won't have you but no one else should But all in all , I'm glad he made the decision to move on but I'm also glad you realised it was time for you to fully do the same. All the best, in your future!♥️

@leona2222 2 года назад

Syd, Same

@PaigeSquared 2 года назад

People do NOT know what goes on in others' minds, we can only go off of what they tell us and what their behaviors towards us say. He doesn't know your emotions unless you express them crystal clearly. Not that you should do that now, how awkward would that be?! 😅 You told him you were not available for what he needed. It was very mature of him to recognize and ask you if meeting his needs was a possibility; you told him that you could not fulfill that need. He respected that, he believed you, he didn't undermine and live in denial, saying, "oh it's just a phase, she will come to enjoy what I want in my life." He sounds like a great guy, to be honest. Many haven't done their inner work and do not live authentically enough to know what they want and ask for it. That is the goal, by the way, know yourself well and know what you need and learn to ask for it or find a resource to meet it. Human connections are always transactional, but not in a bad sense, in a mutually beneficial relationship sort of way. If needs aren't met, both are miserable. You cannot un-need a core need like that. You said what you needed, you represented your authentic self, and your needs were not aligned with his. It doesn't mean there wasn't love, it just means that it was more of a seasonal relationship. (The only relationship you will have your entire life is the one w yourself!) Why would someone go through years of life in pain, denying their human needs, because someone they separated from had said they were not available to meet the other's needs? You're right to acknowledge, of course he moved on! You should look inside, though, there is more here your subconscious wants to heal from, there is a lingering trigger, associated with the emotions, and it keeps coming up no matter how you try to reframe it. You don't have to answer me, these are for you to answer, for yourself. Let your subconscious point you in the right direction. Why did a part of you expect him to stay on the back burner, when you directly told him he would be unfulfilled in a relationship with you? Is there a similar situation from your past that mirrors this? You were just as unavailable to him, as he was to you. I would venture to guess there is a pattern, maybe originating with a parental figure or caretaker, of being denied unconditional love as a child when you attempted to create boundaries to define your own independence, or own sense of self. That's my guess, you would know what makes the most sense with what you remember, not even specific scenarios but moreso what feelings you remember. Did you feel as if you had to set aside your wants to be accepted by one of your caregivers? When did you first feel abandoned? Was it something that you did, did you blame yourself for the distance, when perhaps there was more going on than you originally perceived? The feeling you get now when you think about it, figure out the name of that feeling, and ask your subconscious to show you, or remind you, of the first time you felt that feeling. When we are toddlers, we start individuating from our primary caregiver (usually mom's). This is something that changes the relationship and freaks out a lot of (unhealed) parents. Last year, I found myself in a repeat of a terrible relationship, that I had recreated in my life multiple times. I'm not sure of the source wound (I have an idea but I don't know the exact details yet!) but I am in my 30s now and even though the men were SO different, each relationship ended the same. I know that until I heal this core wound (or developmental gap), if I get into dating again, the same situation will pop back up. I told my sister, "I don't care if I look like an ass, this donkey is getting OFF the merry go round!!" It hasn't been easy, but I am learning fast. I carried a lot of beliefs that didn't serve my wellbeing. I'm sharing this with you so that you know where I am coming from. Unfortunately, this comes from a place of relating, and I want to help others dodge the painful mistakes I have made. I am some stranger on the internet and you have no context to determine if I'm being rude, or telling you the toughest truth. My son's first years of live were traumatic for both of us. Don't ignore the pain, your subconscious is bringing you into situations where you will re-face these circumstances and have another shot at handling things differently. It is much less painful to deal with it, than to relive it within a relationship over and over and over and let it undermine your dreams and goals and sense of peace. I hope you are aware of the immense strength and ability to heal that you already carry. Viewing the darkest places of our subconscious can be painful; but it is nowhere near as agonizing as recognizing you've dragged your offspring along for the ride, too. Heal and you will become attracted to men who will help you fulfill your future dreams, rather than attracted to the ones who are only too willing to tear open old wounds. Good luck! 🖤

@markusmeyer6391 Год назад

Okay so I have BPD. I fear rejection and abandonement more than death. The irony is that I've been rejected more than anyone I know. I mean everywhere I go. Family, small family, extended family, childhood friends, any group friends, partners, jobs, schools. You name it. I also hear that rejection is part of life. And so I'm aware do experience this also in their lives even if they don't have BPD. But I need to know how often in average does a person get rejected and abandoned. And is it normal for that to happen within family ? The funny thing is I'm always extra nice extra understanding and just always there for the people. I give it my 100 but this always end up hapening. Right now I self isolate. I just can't bear it anymore and I just know its a waste of time to invest any time in any relationship. It takrs time, resources, attention and so much energy. Just for all that effort to just be pooped on and thrown away like garbage. So I self isolate now.

@jo-annahicks3324 10 месяцев назад

If you give 100%....the other person has to give nothing. Sometimes 'overgiving' can feel suffocating, and desperate..which can make people want to reject you...which is the exact opposite of what you want. Try to create space, for them to come to you.

@cintianascimento5963 2 года назад

My ex alienated my daughter against me for two years. Last year we connected again. At least she has her son with her. It’s better to lose a man than losing a child.

@tomtbi 2 года назад

I agree she must find a way to set the best example for her son whether the father is involved in his life or not ..

@soniafaye9919 Год назад

My state of calm listening to this letter speaks to Anna’s ability to be compassionate, because if I’d I just heard this persons story anywhere else, I’d be very triggered and angry. This channel is so incredibly healing- painful, but healing. I’m still learning that I am a walking contradiction- Being an only child of a single parent, I’m usually isolated and at times really worry if I don’t have split personalities: On the one hand, I’ve always known I was very different in that I’d never have children, or get married, or chase money or compete with anyone-- Is that the same person who literally wore rose-colored glasses all around town while in an abusive relationship?

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Год назад

I'm really glad to hear the content is helpful and healing to you. -Cara@TeamFairy

@natnatbat 2 года назад

I guess I'm sort of making it a habit to comment here as a way to keep myself on the right track as well as clear my head. This woman's story was extremely hard to hear for me, almost like I was reliving parts of my OWN story. Especially the part where once finding out about the other woman, she felt she needed to cling onto this trash excuse of a man. I did the EXACT same thing with my ex. He brought another girl into our friend group and around my band, or I thought she was just a friend, a groupie, as he called her. Then after I was broken the news by both of them in a gaslight tag team, I never clung to anyone so hard. Now here I am nearly two years later, trying desperately to navigate my single everyday independent life and continue with the no contact rule. I see hope as far as most areas of my life, but my love life I laugh at the idea of.

@dearbrave4183 2 года назад

You did wel! Once you heal , you can resume your love life. Good luck♥️

@merriem24 Месяц назад

What I’ve learned is that we need to work on ourselves and let our healing pave the way to new experiences, people, and opportunities. She sound a bit like she’s in a damp dark place with no clear path out and she’s focusing on him as if he’s the answer, but he’s just a person, plus he’s moved on.

@Hamless_Kiwi 10 месяцев назад

God that is such a horrible situation. She had everything stolen from her

@valerieconnell2962 Год назад

The ex was never going to give her what she wanted. She created another human being to get back at another woman. The only thing to do is to accept the reality of the situation as it is. Be grateful that the ex’s girlfriend is caring toward the child who is the biggest victim of the whole story. Pull it together and move forward. It takes time but the child’s well-being comes first.

@vivisimonvi 19 часов назад

I'm continually amazed how Anna always has great advice or a great path to seemingly impossible life situations as this.

@nicolameikle3976 2 года назад

How do you let go of the jealousy, bitterness, and rage when they have moved on - yet again - leaving you with ptsd and auto immune conditions that you can barely function to have a life 😢😢😢😢😢

@di3486 2 года назад

You put on your big girl pants, learn to respect yourself and get going. It’s possible, I did it.

@nicolameikle3976 2 года назад

@@di3486 I am glad you did you it 🤗 Sadly I suffer from multiple conditions that leaves me unable to walk and causes inflammation in my brain and stops me breathing… I fight every day however trying to have a life in between all this is pretty much impossible 🙃 Glad you are doing well xx

@di3486 2 года назад

@@nicolameikle3976 Nothing is impossible! You can find a way to channel your own inner value and strength. A hobby, art, writing etc. even just staring at nature will bring you a lot of self -fulfillment. Don’t let your physical limitations dictate your worth!

@zaygroovie3311 2 года назад

@@nicolameikle3976 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 Love, Light and Abundance

@AlitaMee 2 месяца назад

15:30 this line is gem. It took me 10 years and a child's to realize the same You are doing God's work here Anna

@123runsallie 2 года назад

Wow what you said about the parents taking up all the O2 in the room really resonated with me. Jealousy causing me to trauma bond was a light bulb moment. I can see that I have self abandoned on many levels. Thank you for this beautiful insight.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks for sharing!! -Cara@TeamFairy

@mazzmarymaria 2 года назад

Hi Anna, as I was listening to how your son reacted to the break down of the marriage, I realised that when I was at that age I WANTED my parents to get divorced. I found my father to be menacing, permanently on the verge of lashing out and unpredictable. Meanwhile, my mother played the victim card to the extreme. She set herself up as this helpless person while using emotional manipulation to get us on her side. We saw our father from her perspective like an irrational angry man who lashes out first then asks questions later only to realise (too late) that he didn't understand what was happening or misinterpreting. I hated their relationship and I actually prayed to God for them to divorce. What does that say about me and the environment I was raised in? Is it weird that i didnt want them to stay together?

@dearbrave4183 2 года назад

No it's not. Your situation is common. Not all the kids want their parents to stay together

@youngwealthdc5096 2 года назад

No you deserved a healthy dynamic even if that meant a separation

@winxclubstellamusa 2 года назад

Not at all. That’s actually a sign that you were an intelligent child who was able to discern that your situation was deeply unhealthy.

@StarOnTheWater 2 года назад

I was 14 or so when my parents got divorced. I have a sister who's ten years older. When she was at that age she had already been hoping they'd split up. Oftentimes kids see it very clearly, they are just powerless to change the situation and that feeling sticks.

@maritzaozepy1903 9 месяцев назад

It’s not weird. I didn’t want my parents to be together either. It’s rare but we exist. My parents were also super toxic to each other. I didn’t want to live like that. It would have been a nightmare.

@msyahwey4ever 2 года назад

Compelled to say, "Last" as usual. ⚔️🤦🏼‍♀️⚔️

@karazor-el3466 Год назад

The beginning of this video is so sadly accurate. I was the one breaking the cycle realizing exactly that, that we could not heal on an individual level by staying together, only amplifying each others wounds with our insecure attachment styles. It was that cycle of constant back and forth. And with CPTSD it becomes so difficult to see what is love and what isn't. Maybe I can still not see things clearly, but I feel like the tragedy is it was both trauma and love. Sometimes I felt genuine happiness being seen and heard and accepted for who I am, sometimes I felt the opposite. Maybe trauma brought us together but there was a deeper connection and compatibility beyond that as people. Which could have evolved into love if we weren't blinded by our subconsciously internalized wounds. Wounds that drove us to need the other person as a fix, disregarding their own needs and boundaries. I only realized this after many years of both suffering together. But I feel like my partner never did. Maybe he couldn't because I only became a representation of his trauma. But it still hurts that I wasn't able to get him out of denial.

@allwellandgood8547 2 года назад

As someone who had one parent cut off another and taint our feelings about her after she left for another man, Anna you are so right. Do it for your child and stop this pattern repeating. The consequences impact for decades otherwise. Sending you love and healing and a wonderful future 🙏💖

@tomtbi 2 года назад

Sadly broken families like this has kind of led to the tragedies that have happened recently ..

@zaygroovie3311 2 года назад

Sadly, A lot of people choose Self blame, Ofhers inflict pain, torture and havoc on others, I honestly just feel like Mental Health needs to prioritized in School curriculums because shits getting really bad

@TV-fu1ec 2 года назад

That's such an important point, for my understanding about how I've fed into a very destructive relationship. I don't think I could see that I was really traumatized and not available for a real relationship. I just kept chasing the unavailable prize.

@tomtbi 2 года назад

I agree she has to accept the situation in order to improve her situation ...

@ToshaRaeNailed 2 года назад

You broke that letter down so well.

@rahabredeemed1690 Год назад

Its so good to hear the honesty , and painful reflection too. I have 4 children to four different men who I trauma-bonded with. I thought i would absolutely stay away from men forever! when I broke up with my youngest girl's (very broken) drug addicted dad. I had a few years break from anything committed until I met my last boyfriend (in 2019) who was a gentleman in every way..he never pushed for intimacy or sex and was a hard worker who paid for me on every date and was so helpful. I think I screwed up and rushed in , although his boundaries were not solid either. He was quite a shy man - different from the rest of what ive known. But my fears got the better of me. I did make the mistake of letting my children meet him very early on in relationship then we all became bonded to this man who i barely knew, after only a few dates.. We were on again/off again for 4 years because i pushed him away 10 times 😳 as I had (unbeknown to me) bad CPTSD symptoms coupled with PMS problems and i believe that he could see it clear as day and wanted to be there for me but he got frustrated and hurt. He is ten years older than me too and the bottom line is I dont trust any man anyway! Now he says I should move on but he wants to stay in contact at the same time 🤔. I don't think he wants to let me go completely, and I made the decision to avoid sex with him 2 yeas ago. Im now celibate from all men. He wants to hang around to text and call but im respecting myself and my healing , and will go NO CONTACT for as long as i can...maybe forever to see if it was another trauma bond in good disguise. I may meet an even healthier partner in future. And of course..🤦🏼‍♀️ my kids wellbeing I absolutely take seriously and I will no longer include them in relationship woes like I used to! My poor kids .. dragged through shitty experiences because I was so traumatized. Thank God for the good people who looked out for us.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Год назад

You deserve good things in your life! Good for you for working toward that! -Cara@TeamFairy

@roorooadventures4771 2 года назад

This is why I decided to stay single for know. Thanks ann Runkle for the daily practice workshop 😀 👍 😊. Have a great day 👍 🌞 you rock!

@tomtbi 2 года назад

That's why I'm staying single too ..

@donavonwayne1102 2 года назад

You have been instrumental in being leaving a toxic relationship...luckily I learned alot about myself and work I need to do for healthy relationship. You are very good at what your doing Can't say it enough 🤠

@juditszekely1407 2 года назад

Wow, the Fairy is really nailing this one! 😍 Watching the video genuinely felt like being part of some cathartic community healing, probably bc so many of us were affected by similarly unresolved arrangements as children. Feeling reassured and priviliged to be able to hear Anna's reasoning, the principles to follow and the reward to be expected, which is a much calmer life for all involved.

@a.k.3110 2 года назад

Thank you for reaching out ❤️ Single mom here with a six y old son and no family support and no friends. Cptsd and being bullied over years gave me a strong tendency to isolate. I am working on it. Opening up, doing the daily practice. Going out meeting people .... Reregulating. Doing my best to connect with people and i am so happy to learn how to do things more right. Learning these dynamics is that eye opening 🥳. It helps me to understand my own descitions. See them in the context what helps to be kind with myself and brave and do what serves us good. I have never ever been cared for that loving and good like now. Doing what is right with no second guessing or struggling to start for the way i have to go for doing what serves us like now as a single mom. 💪💃 I appreciate the shared wisdom in how to talk about hard stuff with children. Like the questions that kids ask. In my case dad is an active addict now. And i do have single custody and answering the questions of my son why he can't meet his dad anymore... It's disregulating to answer these questions. In my default family culture those questions where not asked/allowed. I want to answer them with not lying to my son, not talking bad or not child appropriate details about his father. That's difficult because hey it's that bad he can't see him 🤷‍♀️, the truth is hurtfull. And my son is nagging. I understand he wants to get a stable why. Why do i have to suffer. He want to hear the reason. So yeah even if it's not our specific case, it helps to have some orientation. Family care told me to tell the truth without blaming the father. My son does this himself, blaming his dad because he once had to witness the agressive behaviour (he attacked me Infront of our son) that leads me to go no contact with his dad and it scares me a bit that my son says he hates and fears his father. Because he is part of his identity.... 😢 Thank you Anna for every piece of wisedom 🥰

@lilyofthevalley1045 2 года назад

Omg... I'm in the saaaame situation!!! My son's 6 too... Separated from the dad due to his aggressive behaviour and alcoholism... Keep your head up girl.... We're going to be ok

@somethinggood9267 Год назад

You are a strong and beautiful person

@SouraviDas-tb7ve 4 месяца назад

@a.k.3110 "Cptsd and being bullied over years gave me a strong tendency to isolate"- I completely resonate with your words. I used to think I am weird, useless and a shame to the world. Now, I know it's not my fault and it's eyeopening for me that I'm not alone in this. I will work towards bettering myself from right now 😊. Sending ❤

@amandagarciapastor6475 3 месяца назад

You are so strong ❤ thanks for sharing your story

@sunnygirl9691 2 года назад

Can you talk about how to recover from this dynamic - having a person as a security blanket to protect you from the world? I cut myself away from this years ago in order to grow but instead I became even more isolated without this sense of security 😟!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

You can write Anna at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy

@acfatemi 2 года назад

This man clearly shows himself not to be up to the standards of being a good father, not even a decent one….. A father who isn’t happy about his child… When this father says he was forced to become a father he is basically telling the mother ”I am a sperm donor” and denounces responsibility. When the child is as small as it is now, a baby-sitter father might be convinient, but over time this relationship will continue to cause much harm. Get out! Get away from him and his girlfriend/girlfriends! Build a stable life for Yourself and Your beloved son. Sometime between the age of seven and twelve You two need to have Your own home. Use the help of Your mother to build Your life. Don’t waste time & energy on co-parenting with someone that will cause You both chaos, confusion & emotional hurt

@Alizardlovesyou 2 года назад

What an awesome responce! Thank you both.

@jamesdiffey207 2 года назад

Wow this video has been very catalytic to my thoughts over the last couple of hours, really helping me to see things more clearly. Thank you so much for what you do and how you do it.

@sydmoore3869 2 года назад

This is my experience almost to a T… I’m 21… learning everything all at once.. I had no idea anyone else could’ve experienced all this too.. gives me hope. Thanks for sharing this one 🙏🏻

@miak6859 2 года назад

Thank you, Anna for the information your channel, and videos are extremely helpful....please have a good Memorial day weekend

@rebeccajones8628 2 года назад

So right. You have to block the toxic person out.

@emmyjean5068 2 года назад

I'm going to binge watch some of your videos now and then I'll be in touch...that's if I dont find the answers I'm looking for😆🙏PS: it's so good that the young lady recognises (some of) her part in this situation, as most just blame the other party 100%. I think she is much stronger than she realises. Also being back at mums will allow her the opportunity to resolve some of those unresolved issues from her own childhood. Sending her, her little one and the family unit so much love💖

@janetrokas8120 6 месяцев назад

Hey CCF I just want to say that I appreciate your level tone and optimism. Good stuff 👍

@mrunixman1579 2 года назад

My Nurse did ask me if I am Cynical. I just did a Cynicism test and scored 85%. I am pretty much more adversed to being in society.

@loriolson8500 Год назад

My Dad didn't want his 4 girls from a previous marriage. He just told me again at age 58. Said he wished that I was raised by someone else. I was a convenient scapegoat for all of them, tho. What would they have done without being able to blame me for all their decisions in life?

@elliea8868 2 года назад

Your channel is amazing! thank you... x

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

You're so welcome. Thank you for watching! - Ashley, Team Fairy

@queenr.480 2 года назад

Thank you for sharing your own personal experience. It helps!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks so much for your feedback! -Cara@TeamFairy

@deemorgan4479 Год назад

Bringing kids into the world to fix an already chaotic situation is ever the answer.

@gloriakurkowski101 2 года назад

Early family, if you need to call it that, was horrific. From your CPTSD videos. I now know why, I a. such a lonely, rejected, depressed and anxious person. Wish parents had a course to take before they decide to have children. it would let them realize all the fighting, neglect and abuse creates inside their children.

@zaygroovie3311 2 года назад

Fr, Shit sucks 🤦🏾‍♂️

@tomtbi 2 года назад

Can she possibly go no contact with the "father"?

@jb-ze1yh 2 года назад

She should go no contact or get a court order that legitimatizes their agreement. In my experience it’s best to limit all contact with these type of people. These kinds of parents make horrible examples to their children and unfortunately the courts don’t care

@annaamaya9149 2 года назад

This is wonderful advice I hope this woman that wrote takes this advice. I want to help people in this way

@KoolT 2 года назад

Burn the OLD PHOTOS. IF THEY TWO TIMED YOU. I threw away all the photos but maybe a couple. Clean ALL OFF YOUR PHONE'S. BLOCK THEM SO YOU CAN BE IN CHARGE OF YOURSELF.

@kaylamburris Год назад

Thank you for this. So so much.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Год назад

Any time! -Cara@TeamFairy

@Yuli08Luna Год назад

I’m not saying that this is specifically true for the personal story shared in this video. I believe that oftentimes, when a woman is/remains so mentally and emotionally attached to a toxic ex partner-even-if/after years of “separation” have passed, and even when that ex partner has entered into a new “committed” relationship… What’s usually keeping a woman stuck in that vicious trauma cycle… Is when they keep a casual and ongoing sexual relationship with her ex partner/baby’s father after the breakup… At that point he’s shown her, with his actions how he truly feels by him deciding to be “committed” to someone else in public; and then behind closed doors they both use casual sex as their manipulative coping strategies to try to control each other’s personal lives and keep each other from fully and happily moving on… Maintaining an intimate casual sexual relationship with your child’s mother/father, after separation or after the end of that relationship won’t allow either one of them to ever heal from that traumatic bond…

@Jaysonbc1234 7 дней назад

“It’s always the bad boys who gives me the flutters” 🥴

@KoolT 2 года назад

Clean and block your phone.

@char-su9vu 2 года назад

Thank you so much for these advice videos thank you

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Glad you like them! -Cara@TeamFairy

@gurdenator85 2 года назад

I keep meaning to write to you anna. Although theres been so many videos on my situation already so i dont know if its worth it. It would be nice to hear your input though. I always get so much from your channel. Thank you so much for all that you do

@KoolT 2 года назад

Move ON, GET CHILD SUPPORT AND MOVE ON.

@youngwealthdc5096 2 года назад

You are soooooo right

@Lil-Be 10 месяцев назад

You're the best, Anna! I binge-watch you every day, journal, take long walks, work out, and it's my most effective CPTSD therapy. I don’t think I will ever go to therapy again, maybe only try EMDR with VERY experienced therapist. It's hard to find a good therapist, especially since I sometimes feel that I know more than they do about CPTSD through all the books I've read, workshops, and courses I've attended. I'm still struggling (though much less), but therapy never helped me.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 10 месяцев назад

Thanks for your comment and glad you're here! Julie@TeamFairy

@Alexandraahlblad 8 месяцев назад

Same!!!❤ glad those things are helping u! We got this 🩷

@Ahavagoldman 2 года назад

Gosh I wish I knew this before I developed a fear of letting go

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Not too late :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@jasonwilson7708 2 года назад

Sometimes people project false narratives onto others. I wasn’t neglected as a child I was overly controlled so I avoided parental figures. I wasn’t rejected by my in-laws as I actively avoided them because they were controlling. I need to take responsibility for these patterns of dis function but outsiders looking in without all the data often times mis interpret the situation.

@rebeccahutchings5536 Месяц назад

Neglec5ed as a child means you don't know the connection of live and warmth, so your energy field naturally has to protect yourself, and what you perceive as rejection is often people being decent towards your genitals. Respectful, and helping you retain dignity.

@echase416 2 года назад

Jealousy in adulthood can be a remnant of childhood . eg preoccupied attachment

@Captain_MonsterFart 2 года назад

Interesting. That could explain my ex.

@ipsitasen9569 2 года назад

I really liked this video of yours Mam😍🤗

@AnaliseFrank 2 года назад

I’ve watched parts of many of your videos. Funny name and you do give good advice if I do say so myself. It’s tough to give advice based on letters but you pick good ones with a lot of info

@AnaliseFrank 2 года назад

Would you mind if I sent you a letter about the story of my last therapist? It’s like reading a novel where there is a clear villain… I have CPTSD just hearing her name. I got over all the other things and am so grateful. Also I have still one conundrum. While I don’t need her in my life, I believe we are BOTH terrified of each other and I do not was either of us to keep onto that trauma bond. I still need to know she isn’t psycho against me, don’t want to go around the rest of my life wondering if she is stalking me and she accused me of defamation of her character, emotional distress, and cyber stalking. She was a mirror of myself and I worked on myself at least 5 hours a day training and reparenting myself. I also don’t want her to have the same feeling looming over her head as it is an event neither of us could ever forget.

@AnaliseFrank 2 года назад

@Celina 谢谢您。

@lv4984 Год назад

My family broke apart and my mother was really in her drama and I'm currently in a relationship that I don't really want because I don't want to hurt the other and fear being alone at the same time.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Год назад

We understand and we're glad you are here seeking support. Have you tried the free course? bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

@charliegreatrick9099 Год назад

Love your videos darling ❤❤

@tomtbi 2 года назад

Definitely not a great father...

@PaigeSquared 2 года назад

Does anyone know of more examples of support systems for situations like this?? Even online?? Please! 🙏 I need to build a support system with healthy thinking people!! I am a single mom, with a PFA against the father. I am once again reliant on my immediate family...who I learned toxic traits from. It feels very much like I am navigating life entirely alone. I'm interested in/open to group therapy as well, but I haven't participated in anything like that before. Money is a barrier. Any free or cheaper programs that would help me meet healthy people, let me know!! Alternatively, where/how did you meet the healthy people in your support network? How do you connect when you're struggling? My capacity to be a good friend while I'm trudging out of this mess feels limited. I don't like feeling so needy, like I'm an easy target. ☹️

@romanastrasheim5226 2 года назад

True that.

@JinJinDoe 2 года назад

Omg I just stopped at the "out of spite I said I also wanted a baby". This is what's wrong with today's society. Having kids like it is somehow a magic fix-it tape stuck on a leaking relationship vat! Without any regard to the future person who is your child. Unwanted, abandoned(physically or emotionally or both) kids that were a means of leverage for their parents tending to grow up into troublesome, mentally and spiritually troubled people. I'm sorry, author of the letter. This sort of thing just makes my blood boil.

@echase416 2 года назад

The other sad comment I hear/read sometimes is ‘my kids are my whole world and I live for them.’ No, in healthy parenting/families the child is the one who needs and deserves the strong stable, high-functioning adult parent. 💔 #parentifiedChild

@bitchenboutique6953 2 года назад

I know someone who had a kid in her 40s, thinking it would fix her marriage, even though she never wanted kids and she STILL DIDN’T… people stupidly told her when she had that baby and held him the first time it would all change and she would love him and it would all just kick in CAN YOU IMAGINE?! Of course it didn’t! All those people were complicit in this unloved kid being brought into the world, and the chaos HE caused in the lives of others as he grew up, so needy and desperate, having sex at a young age and creating more children with parents who weren’t equipped to take care of them… 🤬 And yet here I am childless in my 50s and strangers call me selfish for NOT being a mother. What’s selfish about knowing you don’t want to be a parent so you don’t make any kids?!

@Captain_MonsterFart 2 года назад

@@bitchenboutique6953 I have never understood that "selfish" accusation towards people who don't want kids.

@dearbrave4183 2 года назад

@@bitchenboutique6953 you did well. If it's not in you, don't force it.

@ebbyc1817 2 года назад

And then the child does the same thing, and their child does the same thing, and so on, and so on. And then we wonder why everyone is becoming narcissistic. Children born to parents who were only thinking about themselves, and then they think only about themselves, and then have children who only think about themselves.

@mmommo-hx4dx 2 года назад

Unbelievable....I want to take my son and run.

@LenkaSaratoga 2 года назад

Compelled to say FIRST! 👋💚

@catherine9808 Год назад

my son has suffered so much because of my cptsd, i'm just out of a bad relationship and my son has seen me in pieces and i hate myself for doing it to him. I'm so completely broken and lost and lonely i cannot take the pain i'm in , its hell. My relationship was abusive and yet i feel abandoned by him even though i had to end it because it was destroying me and i felt concerned about having him around my son.

@erikalarsson 8 месяцев назад

I feel you my son have been hurt so much for my pain and now the guilt .Hope we can break the cicel .lonly and broken to but we can begin to heal

@wholeheartedlyjaninarene Год назад

Hi Anna! Thank you so much for this video ❤ I don’t see the link to the positive co-parenting info…did I miss it? Thank you!

@Redchynaa Месяц назад

I have been dealing with abandonment issues for so long. it’s hard to find healing on my own. Hopefully this video helps me ❤

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Месяц назад

You may also like The Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. If you’re interested, you can try it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy

@di3486 2 года назад

What about rejected from ever? Rejection was intense just for being who I am, however, I notice that I still have a relatively high degree of self-respect because I never allowed situations like this to happen at all. I just don’t get how someone can tolerate so much.

@glachloser 2 года назад

Shoutout to ACA, SLAA and 12 steps groups!

@AW-it1gc 2 года назад

Do you have the links to the above mentioned groups? thanks

@lisaeve6426 2 года назад

I am soo tired of down dating. I am 46... it's getting too late. It's so upsetting.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

But you're to make some changes now, it can be different! -Cara@TeamFairy

@lisaeve6426 2 года назад

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy it is the one area of my life that really sucks. I have soo much embarrassment around it. I am not happy being alone, but better alone than with the guys I attract.

@Thelordwalkswithher Год назад

Having the same problem 😕with 2 kids that live with my abuser and his mistress

@OpulentAristocrat 2 года назад

Do you provide one on one counseling?❤️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Anna does not currently offer one-on-one coaching, but there is an opportunity to work with her more closely in her 12-week coaching program. You can learn more here: bit.ly/37rX0Ja - Ashley, Team Fairy

@sweetkiwi728 5 месяцев назад

I wish you lived in my hometown. You are awesome at what you do! I hope I find a counselor here in my city that is near as talented a counselor as you really seem.

@sweetkiwi728 5 месяцев назад

Also, how do we write/email a letter to you like this lady did? Thanks 😊

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 5 месяцев назад

Thank you for your kind words about Anna. And we keep our fingers crossed that you find a good counselor who will help you heal! Nika@TeamFairy

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 5 месяцев назад

If you'd like to share your story and ask Anna a question, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy

@acfatemi 2 года назад

No, Anna, You are wrong: I child needs a stable home and environment. No father is sad and hurtful, but a bad father is a disaster and much more hurtful. I talk from own experience and from the experience of watching others and also talking with friends of my children. To be tossed between two homes just causes lonelyness, alienation and in worst case teaches a child how to manipulate parents and others. Unless the father & mother do it very well in a totally structured way; ”two homes” is a disaster. Although the sorrow of being fatherless never goes away, the mothers that created a stable home and proper intimate family relationship and surrounded themselves with men (church, friends other families) that served as good male role models; these mother managed in the end to have happy, socially well adjusted and mentally stable grown up children

@mmommo-hx4dx 2 года назад

agreed, this is a good and better option

@Nunya22Too 2 года назад

OMG!!

@TN-ow7yd 7 месяцев назад

This was so hard to hear. 💔

@abstract20 2 года назад

Why isn’t being a giant cheater a good enough reason to keep a kid away from their ex? Like, isn’t teaching a child that cheating and sleeping around bad for the child as well? Won’t they grow up thinking it’s ok to lie and cheat? It doesn’t sound like a good way to teach a child how to love. I would think it would be best to keep the child away from that.

@valerieconnell2962 Год назад

Because the cheating ex is still that child’s father. It’s not ideal. But if the child is not being abused in any way, what the ex does with his you-know-what is irrelevant. The child shouldn’t even know anything about it.

@cosmospray Год назад

I know what I am going to say isn’t moral or anything but if it was me the guy don’t get to see his son. I know, i know. With me as a mother, he just can’t . and that’s all it is end of the story. The child get to see his bad father when he’s an adult. I feel being a dad isn’t a right nobody owes h anything and having a terrible father isn’t having a father at all. If he wants to see his son he comes to the law and get me to the court. He’s having a bad moment where he gets to fight for his « rights » and still i am not very obedient to these false rules.

@DKMRFCBrlz 2 месяца назад

"When your family gets broken apart when you're a kid, it can imprint you with a broken picture of what's possible for you in relationships, especially when you form your own relationships with a partner or start your own family." "When parents are too preoccupied with their drama and their pain, they don't perceive the reality of what you needed as a kid, and that emotional emptiness can get so desperate that when you're old enough to have some kind of boyfriend or girlfriend, you merge with the first person that comes along, and this can seriously slow your emotional development" Your intros are so fire

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 месяца назад

Glad you like them! Nika@TeamFairy

@erikalarsson 5 месяцев назад

I am angry and diseponted what happens.

@robertkeable1627 2 года назад

Thank you.

@ktkt1825 2 года назад

It happens to men also. Even after enduring years of personal sacrifice, struggle, and financial hardship in an effort to help her aging parents, and when I couldn't manage the stress anymore, she then shut me out physically and emotionally. Despite much more work and counseling to make myself better able to cope, she then started cheating with every old boyfriend on her list. I stayed even stayed on after this, and when our son left for college she filed for divorce. Lies, cheating, rejection, ingratitude, selfishness of the worst order.