I think that when someone, who isn't a narcissist, gives me a genuine compliment...I am deeply touched and thankful. Every time, a little bit of me is healed.
Having a narcissistic mother, I can relate to everything you say 💯. It’s life crippling, but am always a work in progress. The damage that people can do…
When the most "important" person in your life treats you that way, it is hard to gain the confidence to receive what was earned and what was inheringtenly yours. Yes, I sabotaged myself over and over again
I am 69 and live alone. It is extremely rare for anyone to offer me a word of praise, recognition, or a compliment. When it finally does occur, I am stunned. After a lifetime of constant blame, criticism, rejection, and total invalidation; it is almost humorous to me when I experience something like that.
@@NarcissismSurvivor hi there I appreciate your channel, it’s been very helpful. I am 55years old. My mother has been talking poorly about me and my siblings for YEARS she makes us all argue against each other with her lies....well you know the drill, but recently I started contact with her after two years of no contact and to my face she ACTS as if her and I are ok but she STILL talks poorly of me with everyone else so what do you suggest when someone feels that if I have no contact with her then I’m not honoring my mother and father like the Bible says, I think to me this is my biggest concern because I don’t want to go against what the Bible says and the weird thing is now when I’m told she is talking bad about me I TRY not to take it to heart AS MUCH as I have in the past. So I’m not sure what advice you can give me but my concern is that one day she will lie enough to get me in trouble with the law cuz she is always accusing people that they stole from her, I mean her bank steals from her, her neighbors do....everyone is a thief in her eyes. I wish I had your email address lol cuz I would LOVE to chat with you about all this but since I don’t I hope I receive your response. Thank you and God bless you.
@@utube0372 i struggle with the same about the bible. there is also scripture that one is not to allow themselves to be abused. the bible is sort of contradictory dependent upon one's situation. where in the bible does it point to what narcissists do to their victims? they violate most all the ten commandments and/or are capable. you're doing a disservice to yourself to remain tied because they derail God's purpose for your life and i'm an guilty. mine has cancer and is at her worst yet i stick around and believe me she holds that over my head at the slightest lashbck i give for her actions. she's destroyed my life and my brothers life yet she's set it up so that i'm the one blamed. it's truly sick what these parents CHOOSE to do to their children...when she's not here, her children now have NO relationship. It's the worst life ever and it's impossible to meet other empaths since we all stay home.
@@AC-ew2xr I am so sorry you're going through all this pain and you're right, they're sick evil people and they act like Satan trying to destroy everyone around them. My mom gets joy to see her adult children have problems with each other and the sad thing is she is the one who creates all the friction. I know how you feel and I know we need to protect our sanity and peace.... But it does get so confusing when you're right, if only the Bible would acknowledge these sick people but maybe it does like the stories of Jezebel... 😭🙏 Stay strong cuz you do matter ❤️
@@utube0372 Thanks for the reply. You matter too....the mere fact we worry about following God's word speaks volumes by comparison and I think there's a lot about it in the Book of Enoch based on what i've heard so I brought a copy. Just haven't gotten around to reading it yet. You hear alot of how the bible applies to this disorder on youtube though because the bible is mostly about narcissism. Jesus went thru it himself.....and he was no doormat. Even saints have a breaking point. Take are of yourself and I pray for peace.
I have sabotaged so many potentially good relationships because of low self esteem. It came from my mother and grandmother disparaging my intentions so that I honestly thought I was up to no good even when I was trying to be nice. It is a horrible feeling to believe you are innately bad and that your motives must be ulterior. My involvement with religion just reinforced that false belief about myself. It takes a lot of courage to own up to our truth which is that we are of value.
WOW, Tom. I have "subscribed" to this channel for years and commented that I missed and worried about your over the last few years and did not get a notification that you were BACK! I just reviewed your new postings and it brought me SO much relief and happiness. I am so overjoyed you are OK. And, yes, my self esteem is beyond a work-in-progress. You translate the authentic experience of (me) and so many of us. Again- THANK YOU. If there is anything I can do for YOU, please let me know. I am forever indebted. I am a random person and unknown to you, but, I want you to know how much you have personally* helped me. I truly care about your well being, Tom. xo
Tom, I hope this msg finds you well. I discovered you in 2013-14 during a pivotal time for me as the only child of an aging borderline with NPD. Shortly after I discovered you I moved(escaped) across the country but was still very much in contact with my mother. This same year I was diagnosed with cancer in my 30s. Well, it took me until 2019 but I FINALLY DID IT! I went no contact and haven't looked back. At first I was terrified that she would do something to get me in serious trouble. Mercifully the money she was giving me to manipulate me was in a joint account so she couldn't get me in legal trouble. She tried by telling everyone I stole from her but by then they could see thru her b.s. I am FREE! I just wanted to thank you and let you know how much you helped this stranger grow her wings and fly. It was scary and I'm often absolutely broke but I'm doing it on my own. I knew I was truly good when I had a life-threatening medical emergency that had me life flighted to Penn State Med Center where I was told I was terminal and to contact my family. I didn't even think about calling her or her flying monkeys although they had been my support thru initial cancer treatments. I felt peace facing death alone. Thankfully my cancer was not back and I'm still hobbling around! Thanks again Tom, I miss your videos and pray you are doing well. Take care and much love and appreciation from a fellow survivor in Central Pennsylvania ❤️.
I have had more “ah-ha moments” from watching your videos than anything I’ve read, seen, or heard in the past several years. Thank you Tom. Please keep these videos coming
So much damage is done when you are very young. I remember my mother washing my face when older golden boy came in mocking me and coming very close. I instinctively punched him in the face and then I got a flurry of punches back and started crying. My mother said "you asked for that". So you learn that he can get away with it and mother will allow it. He was allowed to dominate the family for years and always given in to with deposits found and debts paid. Eventually his family was put above my family. My self esteem meant I paid for my own house and my bills.
Tom I love you, you videos lead me to light. I am Muslim and i pray Allah for your good health and prosperity and your kids and everyone you love. I hope people get educated from these videos. you really don't know what good you're doing to people like us. your free content is worth billions as it is about to rotate our minds 360 for the narcissistic abuse. love you tons bud ❤️ From Pakistan
I was in narcissistic relationship for 12 years, I am currently 19 months no contact. When my daughters cuddle me, sign me or dance, I cry. I am very happy I have managed to get out of trauma bond, I still can not believe I did it. Thank you for making this video!❤
To this day if I receive a compliment it feels so alien to me. I say thank you but inside I feel like I don’t deserve it. Then I think about the knowledge I have acquired through channels like this and I think hell yeah....I deserve it. 😊
Love you Tom thank you so much for your videos they have helped me so much for the last 7 yrs. I always come back to your videos when I start feeling guilt and remember why I’m protecting myself and my child from my narcissist mother and family. Thank you for educating me about narcissism abuse and all your help. I hope you’re doing well. Sending lots of love your way.
Sending you lot's of love. I am 43 yrs old My mother is a narc, I tried hard to accomplish success in all areas of my life , still feeling like a fraud sometimes.
I even feel that way by commenting. I feel this way in meetings, around people. I was conditioned through narcissistic abuse. I remember as a kid just keeping myself out of activities. I remember being thrown into situations and feeling this deep ache around other kids. I remember hanging out with friends in school. Going to their houses after school, and just amazed at what I couldn't name, and then shame around who I had for parents, the conditional "love" in my home. The constant arguing, yelling, door slamming... followed by this indescribable thick, quiet tension. My "mother" and "father" would read my journals, and bust in to my room. They'd knock and open at the same time... so that I couldn't say they didn't knock. I remember getting so angry and something intrinsic in me said NO. Had a doorstop in that room without a lock, til I got out of there when I was 17. When people have complimented over having insight, being funny, at past jobs... I just felt like the spotlight was on me and I then had to either prove (and sometimes, I think, subconsciously disprove), their compliment. I feel it now. I'm 39. My older sister died under the thumbs of their abuse, almost 9 years ago. I am certain they hold the keys to what happened to her. My older brother is a malignant narcissist. I came along 11 years after my brother, 15 years after my sister. I got to experience the loneliness of being... I'm not quite sure what role I had, but it's gone to scapegoat. Even when I know the truth, I know I'm not a bad person-- like, I know that if a friend or anyone came to me and projected on a screen what happened to them, same as me-- I would say, I'm so sorry, you got dealt a sh*t hand, and I'm so proud of you for getting out when you did. They couldn't see you for you, and did the things they did. It was them, not you. " I'd feel it for the other person, but to give it to myself is different. That said I have glimpses of enough-ness. I found your channel in May 2020. It's too long a story to put here -- but both of my "parents" revealed their malignancy to me, and they always had been but this was a really 'big ticket thing.' They wanted me sick, scared, and dead. would have too been a worthy sacrifice to support their false images. When I was a kid I experienced most of the abuse from my mother and also my older brother. I was dehumanized for being gay, mocked, triangulated with God, coerced into conversion therapy. After that, at 14, I was absolutely suicidal. Music and writing. Early to mid-90s alternative music saved me too. Certain singers and songwriters sang lyrics that epitomized what I was feeling. In the days of dial up and AOL 3.0, and internet explorer I met people online, and went to gay pride parade in NYC. Remembering now, at 16, coming home and holding it up (the gay pride flag) blocking my malignant narcissistic mother's face. I hated her. My father too, but he was the idol of everyone except us.... And, now my sister and my aunt (mommie dearest's younger sister), who was more of a mother in the motherly loving way to me in 1 minute, than my actual mother was EVER, died 5 years ago ... those 2 witnesses are gone. My uncle and cousin and others did not want my mother at the funeral. I think she ended up coming anyway and they accepted. She was not giving a eulogy-- my cousin gave a beautiful and accurate one. Unfortunately when my sister died 3 years before my aunt, mommie dearest did give the eulogy. At that time, my aunt andI, sitting next to each other, were mutually befuddled at the inaccurate, odd depiction of my sister. Since this is the anniversary month of that news, that she died, in their apartment-- and the unsettling lack of concern, my psychopathic father saying "they said no foul play!" and "she could never be alone," but *really what it was* was that they wouldn't leave her the f..k alone. Anyway that was long. Thank you for everything you do. Your videos were a few years old when I found you, but after the horrors of my narcissistic parents ...... what they did, and trying to make me think it never happened. ... I was specifically searching for things on psychopathic and narcissistic parents. Still watching, listening, and.. Thanks. I just don't get to talk about this with anyone who gets this. Grateful for 2 years of therapy during this time. She left the organization and ... we had a great goodbye, and I miss her.
I hope you find this. I would like to thank you for your videos , I was a fan since 2015, I had no idea what was going on between my narc mother and I . I remember you were one of the first to ever speak on narcissism. You truly have saved my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
When you’re busy raising your children, working, taking care of a household you don’t have time to notice your low self esteem. You’re too busy, too tired to to let it get to you, and much of your value and confidence comes from your role as a parent. Then when your children grow and become more self sufficient or leave the nest and your life slows down. that’s when you start thinking about things, questioning your value that was taken from you by the narcissist when you were a child.
Ooooh I am astonished with your videos, every single word describes me! I am turning 39 this week. And for the first time in my entire life this came as a flashlight. I am so thankful to your existence, May you benefit countless beings and be free of suffering! Sending much love from Brazil.
I love how you call it collateral damage. That is what I call my injuries to my life. I have called my brother and the kids molested by clergy as collateral damage. All the people victimized by the narcissist family system and the narcissist church system are just seen as collateral damage like innocent civilians are collateral damage in war or crime sprees. I cry because my daughter was turned against me by the narcissists. I never could find a good man. I only attracted abusers. We even get auto-imune diseases like fibromyalgia. I have had low self-esteem because I never got away from narcissists. Such creeps are narcissists. I try and have the courage to go on. Now I have really gone no contact for good. They will find a new scapegoat. It has been five years.
Do you suffer at all from depression/s? That would be a predictable outcome of that type of abuse and if it’s true for you job#1 is to restart your emotional growth. That solves most of your downstream emotional and low-energy problems although there will still be some unwanted behavioural patterns but that’s fine, they can be tackled one by one successfully if you decide to tackle them. At least you’ll now have the energy and be treating yourself respectfully.
I've never really thought about it....I try my hardest not to really think to much about my past.. when I do I just get very angry and upset. Yesterday I started to question why my family. My daughter and her father. Love me so much bc I'm not that great. I do everything I can to take care of them but I'll always feel I don't give enough of myself. When I ask my boyfriend about it he just says I overthink to much and none of it is true. But I can't help but think....why do I deserve what I've got? This is the life I've always wanted. Just a calm life. Just a little family in a little house. I just want peace. No yelling. No thinking's breaking. Not walking on eggshells. But I end up doing it to myself. It's all just internally screaming at myself... That's the only way I can explain it. It's like a screaming that no one can hear except me.
You can't really put the past behind you unless you have figured it out and put a label on it to close the book. You probably did that before and so did not think of the past. Then when you find out more information like narcissism, you reopen it to put more truth to it. Then you will close the book. Then an incident will come up to open it. That is probably why you started thinking of the past again. You will sort it out and the voices will stop. Good luck and blessings.
Thanks again 🙏 So very TRUE. At age 50 I am realizing. Never ever took a positive comment in my life. Never ever gave a positive comment to anyone either. Yes, I feel it silly, and not deserving. At 50 realizing. Just thinking to say one nice thing to all the ones I come across.This is so very hard to do though. If someone gives any positive comment of how I look or clothes etc, it makes me very very very uncomfortable and want to leave. Never ever said thank you to that person.
I used to feel those feelings a lot. As it was pounded in my head to, that I was dumb, stupid, and would never amount to anything, that I was a failure!! I no longer believe those lies, as they were from the devil !!! God's word reads so, that when the devil speaks, he speaks lies, for the truth is not in him!!! He's the father of lies. You are a dear and worth good things Tom. I'm not just commenting that to make you feel better, although I hope you will. God bless you!! Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart!! 💝
Thank you for trying to help the rest of us. My mother deliberately arranged circumstances to humiliate me. I never realized that until I understood what she is. Now, I look back on many of the events in my life and see where she had a hand in it. These were NOT off the cuff incidents. These were carefully arranged revenge schemes, for who knows what offense.
I love those genuine videos with normal backgrounds and no fancy intros with bling or long intros like “make sure you to click and subscribe and….” Just get to the point. So I appreciate your honesty and rawness and not making this unnecessarily fancy like others do.
I'm 64, Tom, and I still feel unworthy of love from my friends, even my best friend. My family, who I went no contact with 18 years ago, has left me feeling so rejected and unworthy. The few unexpected encounters with them has left me enraged by their shaming, denigrating me, disrespecting me, ridiculing me. It never ends. I have moments where I feel like I deserve to breathe, deserve to be here on this planet. Those times, I am alone. I wonder if I will ever believe I deserve love and respect from others.
It is so hard….it doesn’t ever go away. Someone once said “ a broken plate is a broken plate. You can glue it back together but it will always be broken. I’m 60 and feel like I’m 15
Bonnie Forman you are so right. It is a gift to to be aware of these disturbed People but also when the curtains are Pulled back for the first time for you to See what was going on in my family After years of confusion I felt so weird As if their evil shot through my soul And and ripped me apart in my senses. I do agree with you that we are better to know just wish I was a way younger when it happened. I would have ran for my life. Wishing you all the love and respect you deserve in 2022.
It's expressing love and support for others that I struggle with. It feels rehearsed, fake, like I'm an imposter. Who would want support from the likes of me?
I struggle almost every day with low self-esteem. I do work to battle this. CPTSD is a big contributor to this problem. I try to rewrite my inner dialogue each time. My advice would be to keep working towards recognizing when your mind tells you things you would never say to a child. Then work towards stopping those thoughts. Next learn new self-talk. NOT easy but will get easier as you exercise your mind.
Hi Tom, First I'd like to say thank you. Your videos have helped so many, myself included. I'm very glad to see you're here still sharing your journey and fighting the good fight. Self esteem is definitely an issue and I work at it every day. Collateral damage for sure.
Hi Tom, yes its mindblowing how this thing works, i got a stroke in october, and my mom came and even started a fight when i was still in hospital. there s no limit to what they will do, if you want to make a different choice than what they want. I am confident in many things but deep inside its destroyed. And the positive thing about this is less ego and get in contact with many people like same level, with the floor sweeper and the boss and everybody between. use your low self esteem to stay humble and strong the same time. kindness is no weakness, ego is
I read somewhere that you had passed. I cried like a baby, literally as if a family member passed. I was inconsolable. I just checked into your channel and see you are still with us and I will pray a gratitude prayer to Jesus today. Your words have enlightened me and empowered me in boundless ways. God is using you and you are responding to the call. I am grateful. Abundant blessings to you Tom. Thank you for being you.
As someone who grew up with a mother who started most verbal and physical abuse with the phrase, "God and I think___about you", I can say self-esteem will forever be one of my life goals. When someone makes you believe your own creator hates you, it's hard not to crumble. In a life full of recovery from the damage she inflicted on me over and over, I can say I'm on the road to happier, because I at least KNOW what she said and did was based on lies and cruelty. Like you said, the battle is to now feel it too. I can relate to the things you say and they do help me a lot! You and I (and all of the other survivors) are worthy of a peaceful holiday season and any of the love we can get. Thank you for your videos! They're helping me march on this holiday season.🙂🎄🙏
Feeling of not deserving is one thing.. Another area it would come up was feeling that I need to constantly improve and achieve things... Not recognizing why I wanted what I wanted.. Also realized it when a hard time in life would come, I realized I had no tools to deal with them in a healthy way
-YOU'RE GREAT, TOM !!!!!!! and we're SO GLAD you're back, to help us some more !!!!!!! keep goin', Tom !!!!!!! WE LOVE YOU, TOM !!!!!!! you're very courageous to tackle this topic of low self-esteem - it is difficult, no doubt - you're very courageous - you're the best, Tom - YOU'RE THE BEST !!!!!!! ✨✨✨
Same. Totally can understand what you mean. You deserve only the best and so much more. You're a true gem. I try to avoid stress but psychotherapy seems to have no strategy or concept to solve self-confidence issues or at least no clear oerview how to approach it. But it's so important. With so much bad luck in life, we try to make sense of it and internalize it as if the only reason could be that we are bad, but that's a wrong assumption. The reason is, there are too many mean, weak, vile cowards who choose to be bad to others. The injustice is overwhelming. Thank you for your good content.
It was weird to me as a kid that people generally really liked me, especially my teachers. I felt like I was a fraud and that I was wearing a mask to cover up how evil and stupid I was. I had two college professors who didn’t like me and I thought they were just the only ones who could see who I really was. I felt like, at all times, the other shoe could drop and everyone would see the disgusting and vile creature that I really was deep down. I admitted this at the dinner table several months ago and my whole family was shocked. My son especially didn’t understand it because he said that I make friends everywhere I go. I’ve now come to realize that this junk was what my mother put into me. This was her real situation and it was so horrible to her that she pushed it on me. She went around actually wearing a mask. And guess what? She was pretending to be me: a sweet and friendly person who gets along with almost everybody. It was really mind trippy when we figured all this out in therapy. I openly defy this feeling that she put into me now. I force myself to assume that people like me for who I am and then it usually happens that people do like me and it validates my new opinion of myself that I’m building. I can tell you this honestly. You have helped me more than anyone else in seeing that I needed to go no contact and in unraveling some of the abuse that I suffered. You see things really objectively and clearly and you’re so good at putting it into words we can understand. You have a real gift for this. This is a God given gift. This is where God takes the hell you were put through and turns it into so much good for so many people. I pray that you can get your mother’s voice out of your head once and for all. I wish I could hug you and tell you all of this to your face. You’re such a blessing to me and to so many people.
Greater forces are working here Tom . Just the fact that you are now in a place where you can reach out and help so many . I love how you are able to articulate all the abuse of the these malignant humans . It’s so paralyzing in many aspects of your life the profound effects this type of abuse leaves . You put it so well when you described, at the time , you just don’t “ realize “ it . You just always have low lying feelings of not being worthy. Bless you for having the strength to make videos like these and I wish you much “ deservingly “ peace moving forward and to all the rest of your viewers out there .
Oh my Lord. This one affected me in ways I can't explain. I very much identify with it. I'll need to mull this over and come back to it. Thank you for doing what you do, Tom.
Of course many have suffered low self esteem at the hands of a Narcissist or Psychopath. These sick creature do not want their victim to feel good about themselves. of course many can relate to what you are saying.
Know that u've helped me so much & be grateful that u've found something that ur good at & ur helping lots of people you deserve all good things Thanks 4sharing
Yes I identify with the feeling that's why I don't date. The men i like I feel I can't have because of that undeserving feeling. How did I dealt with it? I didn't. I am saving money to get specialized therapy for narcissistic abuse. I really do think, Tom that therapy or trauma relief therapy (I think it's called EMDR) would help with the feeling. You've raised a great person and you have a relationship with him. That's one of the biggest successes in life. Look around you and see how many adult children have been wronged by their parents and have little to no relationship with them. You've done well!
Hi Tom, Definitely identify with this. Sabotaged good relationships and ran after every bad thing and stayed with bad men and threw the good ones away. I think when we are not loved and accepted in our families and mostly by, especially by ‘narcissistic parents” then we are looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. I think I picked narc abusive men because I was looking for a father’s love and attention that I never ever got. These men were like my ‘“father”. It was all I knew. I’m healing now and have really cut almost everyone out of my life except those I choose to be there. Wish I had known this sooner and loved myself more. I sabotaged a really good relationship because I thought if he really saw the real me he would not love me. I still miss him. He moved on. I am still healing and trying to love myself more. I understand the low self esteem. I mean if our “parents “ don’t love us who will, right? So sad. Hard to deal with. I do get this. Thanks for another helpful video. God bless!
I still feel completely worthless as a human being. I was constantly taught that my thoughts, feelings and needs were nothing but a burden to my parents. Even now they do not value or appreciate me in any way unless I am suppressing my self in order to give them supply. I feel like it has made me such a damaged horrible person that it would be better if I didn’t exist. Now I have an auto immune disease (like many of us) so their view of me has become true, I am a burden on my beautiful husband who I don’t deserve. I know this belief about myself isn’t objectively true and I have a lot of good qualities but I struggle to experience any self-worth subjectively.
Like you said, “There are no words that truly describe” the never ending self critic chatter going on in our heads. It never is positive. And We constantly talk about ourselves in this negative manner. Without any thoughts about it, we say terrible things about ourselves yet We do not believe them. So Why? Its the automatic anger/frustration or loss that takes us...Shit I CAN’T Explain either because this experience has such deep wounds, the pain is unexplainable and this man is right? You can’t explain what you can’t understand? Hey when raised to love family, you trust, believe them. When you see the mask off you see Satan & that is hard in itself to cope with. Their Darkness is my Candle. You may think Im nuts for saying that? But, you do not know what these people have done to me.!! I cant believe they are family!! They know my weaknesses & the ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE...is to learn how their sick mind works. I don’t want to even know this shit but If I dont stay playing this will kill me. I know it, I have kids & I dont want to die but thats their goal i guess? I have to have “Tragic-optimism” there you figure it out. Im exhausted its too much to deal with!!
One reframe that helps me is recognizing that those feelings are NOT being caused by the current situation. The current situation is reminding the subconscious mind of past trauma. So the negative feelings are a reaction to the original trauma not what’s happening now. So instead of “I feel undeserving of this promotion” Reframe to “this promotion reminds me of when xyz good thing happened to me as a child and my mom ruined it for me”
I am trying to figure where this feeling of “imposter syndrome” comes from. Your videos are easy to understand and you are a good communicator. God bless you. You are certainly NOT alone. I think in part- maybe its not having anyone to trust and lean on. Not enough positive mirroring, and also being told untrue things about yourself. Our parents are supposed to be our biggest supporters and not just physically but psychologically as well. That can’t happen when someone’s parent is out to lunch mentally. It takes work and finding SAFE people with whom we can do life with. I really enjoyed SAFE PEOPLE by Henry Cloud. You said so many things I could relate to even though it wasn’t my Dad. Hope you are continuing to grow and thrive 👍🏻
Every life matters in the eyes of God. I know how it feels to think I never mattered to my narcissistic mother and how I was often told I would never amount to anything (far from the truth). Maybe you went through terrible things in your childhood so that you could be a source of light and inspiration to others. Your videos are enlightening and thank you for taking the time to make them. I recently prayed to God and to the blessed Mother Mary to intercede and was overcome with peace. I believe we all have a purpose and calling and your videos I’m sure have helped a lot of people including me over the years. You are more than good enough. God is good. God bless you.thank you for sharing.
Tom - I discovered you and your channel today. I’ve already watched video after video. I feel compelled to tell you that I feel SO MUCH love, warmth and compassion for you. I’m sorry for the childhood you had. I’m sorry for the mother that you didn’t have. Like you, my mother is a malignant narcissist. She was violent throughout my childhood. The abuse worsened when I hit puberty and began to show the promise of becoming a lovely young woman, of doing well academically, of being able to go to university, etc. She is extremely cruel and sadistic. She often told me that my birth had ruined her life… and that she was now going to ruin mine. She’s never told me that she loves me. She’s never hugged me. She has triangulated my brother (the golden child) against me. I went no contact with her when I was 27. I had visited for Easter - in a foolish attempt to try and salvage some sort of relationship with her, because she was my mother after all. I had a medical emergency in her house. She tore out the phone cord, closed the curtains, locked the doors… and stood over me, as I lay on the floor in agony… and just silently watched, smirking. It was like she was drinking in my suffering. It was like she wanted to watch me die. I’ve been dealt a lot of violence at her hands, but that was the most sinister thing I’ve ever experienced with her. My sibling, after 40 or so minutes, finally mustered the courage to defy her and call for an ambulance. I haven’t seen her since that day. I’m 37 now. I have a diagnosis of c-PTSD and panic disorder… and one autoimmune disease for good measure! I’m trying to live my life, but it feels like I’m limping through on a broken leg. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be okay again. I feel like I’m writing this message as much for me - because finding you has already brought so much comfort and camaraderie. I feel like you are speaking about my experiences, speaking my thoughts. We’ve fought in the same trenches. 😢 But I’m also writing this message for you. I want you to know - even if you don’t believe - that you are helping so many people and doing so much good. I’ve only recently begun to watch videos on narcissism and personality disorders and no one, including psychologists, articulates it as incisively and to-the-bone as you. I’m going away now to watch all of your videos and will be here again, to support you and learn from you. Thank you, thank you. 🕊 x
Hi Tom I love your channel and I hope I look as good as you when I am your age! You have that that classic sharp look that people strive for these days! 😉
Firstly, thank you Tom. Know your guidence and wisdom is appreciated by both my wife and I..and we both thank you! Okay now here's somthing i just have to share. You guys are gonna love this. My wife has been 'no-contact' with her mom for over 5 years. In that time we moved 3 hours away from her. Just yesterday and 5 years later the narcissist mother-in-law sent a wellness check issued for my wife to our home. The narcissist mother-in-law manipulated her Aunt to request the check. The narc mom lied and told her Aunt that my wife had asked for "help". I think the narc mother-in-law used her Aunt so the illegal lie of telling the authorities my wife asked for help would be on the Aunt, not her. The narcissist got what she wanted. She got police to bang on my door and cause us grief. Pretty crazy huh
This is so familiar! My mother recruited a friend of hers to act as her "work" therapist, to contact a childhood friend of mine - demanding to pass on a message to me that I have to get in contact with my mother as it is "of utmost importance" for my mother´s therapeutic "care circle" that I write to her and explain the reasons why I don´t want to have any contact with her. You can´t make that shit up!! 😄 p.s She was retired at that point
By your taking a step out, to share what happened in your life you have blessed so many others. Many of us were not aware the horrible people in our lives, were of the same type of people that tormented others. Many nights listening to your telling us what happened to you, gave us vindication that it wasn't our fault. You deserve the best this world has to offer, what you have done took a great deal of courage. Most of us if we told someone of the sickness we had experienced, that person we told would find it hard to believe. You put a dark part of your life into the public forum, by doing this you have helped us help others. Once I recognized all the elements of a Narrissisit Parent ,Siblings, And a Mother that allowed this abuse to continue for a man's entire life. This man was 62 years old when He found out what his dad was! You taught me this. I do not give advice about Narrissisit, or seek to do something I'm not qualified to do. The one time I did see what was evident, gave a freedom to another that was priceless. God Bless you as you have Blessed so many people that needed your words.
I understand completely and can relate on all levels. Every time I get ahead and start doing well, I sabotage myself because I believe I don’t deserve peace, happiness or nice things in my life. I feel guilty when things are good and I have so many great things happening for me. I know logically that there’s nothing wrong with that, but as you said, it’s the emotional side that gets in the way sometimes, but I’m learning to push that away and be grateful for everything I have. Your videos are amazing and listening to you speak about your feelings and experiences has helped me more than you can ever know. God bless you ❤
God bless you! And I understand completely, it was projected on us, low self esteem, lack of confidence and eventually learned helplessness. We must snap out of it as it is EVIL conditioning. Confidence is everything and is a very Christian thing ( if you are a Christian) because how can you trust God - who speak to us - if we don’t trust ourselves!!!!! Instead others!!!! Blessings! You deserve great things! Plant the seed of love for yourself, respect, and expect greatness! No more lies!
I didn’t realize how worthy I was until A young chiropractor age 28, 4 years younger than me, offered 2X to pay for all of my books and tuition if I wanted to attend chiropractic college. I didn’t realize it then about narcissistic jealousy. I did the seven plus years of schooling. Believe me the schooling was easier than society. I remember one of my study buddies from college kept telling me to quit being so hard on myself. And now, 20 years later, according to my parents, I have always been very selfish and have become so arrogant and think that I am “So much better than the rest of their kids since I got that piece of paper”. My diploma. They had the money and the time to attend that graduation, but didn’t. What will the rest of the kids think. I am too fucking brat for five years or more and I don’t intend to. They are 85 and 86. And still sitting at their gossip table what’s wrong with everybody else. It’s just a cover for their stupid behavior and dividing their children. Very shameful people. I hold my head higher now without being around them then I ever did!
Good for you! Congrats on the “diploma’. I am proud for you! What an accomplishment! Totally get the narcissistic jealousy! Never did anything right, even when I did good it wasn’t good enough. I get it. God bless you and keep you!
My 89 yr old narc mom and her enabler hubby my dad have both said to me in anger "I wish I knew half as much as you think you know" what does that actually mea?
I just found your channel. I loved your channel it helped me alot..understand more about myself and what you have been going thru...knowing we are not alone. We fight the good faith. May God bless you richly.
Your video hits hard on me. I just can't believe after all these years I've been under narcissistic abuse how other people can see others' suffering and not do anything about it. So many people could've helped me out of my situation, some of them even wanted but they decided to side with my narcissistic mother instead. After seeing so many people choosing the narc's side I fear to even accept anyone's approach as the only thing I can think of is that they'll go with the narc at any given moment. Or they would just watch me being abused. No relationship feels much safer for me, still. Too many deceptions. I don't know if this has to do with fear or feeling undeserving but really, too many people fooled by narcissistic abusers. If I could choose anyone, I'd want that person to be inaccessible by the narcissist. But that didn't happen yet as the last person I met and really liked met my narc mother and in the end happened to like her so much as to even quote her at some of our "conversations". I still feel so deeply hurt by it, I had to share. Thank you Tom for trying to help. I'm still not ready for (vulgarity ahead) anyone who sniffs the pugs fart and follows the smell.
I can definitely relate to low self esteem. My mother is a satanist and serious narc. So is my grandmother. I grew up with mental, spiritual, verbal and emotional abuse. While they did say that I deserved to be happy and be successful, their actions did not confirm what they said. When I got good grades, they weren’t happy. When I messed up or didn’t do whatever they wanted, that automagically meant I don’t deserve a good career, high salary, friends, or a spouse…etc. list goes on. It’s damaged me and I don’t know how to handle compliments and it feels awkward. I keep pushing myself to strive more and achieve more cuz I feel it’s not good enough for me although it probably is had I not been abused. For example, I got 4 college degrees, including two Masters in 2 fields and I feel like it’s not good enough. I feel like I need more. More credentials, more certifications, more more more. Where does it end?! It’s painful.
AMEN, BINGO, or whatever word you prefer Tom, but you hit the nail on the head when it comes to a narcissistic parent. Their secret shame and behavior ruins their child's self-esteem through verbal and emotional sabotage. Unfortunately they bring others down to their level with all their criticism and negativity as a way to deal with their own feelings of inadequacy. Maybe it is subconscious or maybe it is conscious. Whether it is teasing their own child or directly insulting them in a mean way it does it's damage. And unfortunately those tapes play over and over throughout our lifetime. And it is very painful and a huge struggle for many like me. Tom do know sincerely that your videos do make a difference even if it takes 7 tries. I could tell this was a difficult subject for you and I completely understand. Men are never supposed to admit any weakness, especially publicly. But your openness and honest speaks to your character and courage. You are one of the few male victims of narcissism by a parent, especially a mother/female that makes such videos. Rare indeed and an inspiration to many. Obviously you are human after all and we all appreciate your efforts. More valuable than you can imagine. I hope you feel better soon and keep your chin up even if you don't feel like it. We understand what you are experiencing and stand behind you good sir! Peace to you too!!
Thanks, Tom. One does not immediately realize the damage caused by the narc(s) but it is there and it needs attention. Thankfully, we now have education for red flags and such. You do a marvelous job on all of your videos. I am very grateful for you.
I appreciate that you draw from personal experiences when you’re making a point. You’ve more than validated my feelings of confusion (I’m 60) and frustration. I’m still trying to figure out the constant guilt. I’ve gone no contact with my family for my own mental wellness.
Good to see you were back....it is not easy climbing out.....there is only one way you know so much ..... it means you survived your own pure hell. You comfort so, so many people and it means a lot. Thank you
Another collateral damage my husband has that is finally properly identified, is brain seizures from head trauma, physical and emotional abuse from narcissist mother. And stresses in our marriage because of trying to help him and keep my sanity and save us from that horrible woman.
