I had a best friend who was a borderline and I ended up feeling like I was her guardian angel and my divine purpose was to help her. We were not even dating. It was crazy. That feeling of ""anything is possible" is so addictive.
I had the exact same experience. The pull is really an insane thing I've never experienced. We are both married and thankfully never cheated on our spouses. Watching a ton of videos about it gives me great comfort about going no contact with her.
...this lecture is of a poetry, beautifully retold narrative about luring a man and his strength to leave a magical woman since the time great Gilgamesh rejected Ishtar, and so on through history. But I've never heard someone described this psychological aspect of woman from a man's perspective in so extraordinary and nostalgic way ... I enjoyed listening.
" ...You never know whats coming. You don't want to know what's coming. The only thing you can be sure of is that something is coming ..." Love this description.
As a borderline that was entangled with a narcissist for several years, I can confirm. The breaking point for me was not the cheating and compulsive confabulation but the verbal abuse that shattered my idealizations. Had he been able to keep that under control I’d probably still be pining for him. I was becoming suicidal. Looking back I realize it was on purpose to drive me away, it’s so obvious now.
@@amykyns15 it is very confusing because the verbal abuse says they hate you and you have no value to them but the short lived love bombing activates the bonding and HOPE.
@@xrotarebil it's actually a perfect system to raise consciousness and grow through trauma. Your soul knows what is doing, please don't judge the experience lest you judge yourself right out of the beauty&appreciation of the lesson.
@@xrotarebil Your points would surely benefit from tempering your reaction. I can see why you bounce right off the surface. You just emphatically stated there is never an excuse for abuse, right after you told me to "piss off" in a hostile, verbally abusive manner. Thanks for giving me a good laugh! Being unable to detect your own hypocrisy plus your hostile rxn leads me to encourage you to get back to your dbt. Start your day with it! :-)
My mother and two female friends have BPD. When I watch them enchant men, it is not because they are so wonderful. It is because they are extremely sexual, crossing a boundary, or saying things that makes someone uncomfortable so they don't say what they really feel and they just go along with the BPD to get through the moment, crossing more boundaries. The BPD crosses boundaries continuously and the average person freezes and just lets it happen. The BPD gets away with whatever they want to because the average person isn't used to continuously defending themselves for basic boundaries. Just like a pedophile or abusive partner, the BPD becomes familiar and it gets easier to not notice the boundaries being crossed. The BPD makes us feel so uncomfortable that our survival of the species brain tries to balance back to normal by finding happiness in the BPD crap and finding a middle ground in all of the chaos. It becomes okay and happy for the normal person because there is so much non-stop boundary crossing that the survival of the species brain cannot accept. It's a gentle push into Stockholm syndrome. They cross boundaries, and are shocking. That's how they enchant.
Hope im not the only borderline who's actually asymptomatic and having a successful marriage.. 51 now been married to my wife for 16years.. i worked on myself religiously. Happily married.. stable.. I wish this for everyone suffering from BPD..you can do it..if youre in treatment your prognosis is good..dont fall into the trap of thinking its as bad as most people think..not so! Stay the course guys and gals:)
I am not the OP but cbt ofc. You go weekly in talk therapy and analyse your behaviour patterns and you change them little by little by little. It's very difficult but its doable. Some people can't even stop a little habit like drinking coffee or smoking. Imagine changing your thinking/ acting behaviours! Like climbing mount Everest...
Thank you for sharing. What made you want to change? And how did you become self aware or have you always been? My gf has pbd but I can't see her doing this. What can I say to her to make her want to do this herself?
@@cstrindlund Nothing really my friend. You should do talk therapy yourself to learn boundaries and ways to act with her to protect yourself. Then she must understand on her own that she has a problem. Else you can't convince anyone to go to therapy. Most probably if you bring it up , she might get defensive.
I went in healthy and came out of this relationship mental ill. You have described my situation in my relationship and my ex to a tee as if I sat with you and described every single aspect. I don't understand how or why I was made victim but I got caught up in a web of insanity. I'm in therapy after this just so I never ever let my guard down ever again. Wow are these borderline personality people like cookie cutter aspects? How can you be describing my exact situation and the exact personality of this person??
I I promise the BPD were family scapegoats! When they meet someone that person becomes their family and they cling because they don't want to be abandoned as their narcasist family members have always emotionally abandoned them. I really think it goes back to this. I had the awakening when I saw the video on the narcasist and bod duality! I think the abusive part comes when they feel (which they will because that's what they expect from being the sh) the abandonment coming then their narcasist survival defense mechanisms kick in out of habit from being the family scapegoat. I love this stuff! "Connect the dots"
He’s the car, she’s the drunk suicidal driver. The narcissistic/borderline couple is basically 2 people standing knee deep in gasoline, holding their own lit matches. Constantly threatening the other to drop their match and set the whole thing ablaze. Behind every narcissist stands a borderline. Looming over, like the reaper. What a glorious dynamic
My goodness. I was never so hurt in n my life! I never thought someone was capable of saying and doing so much horrible things. My husband is borderline and I pray God protects me from him and my mental health sane
Just had my first romantic encounter with a BPD and the only phrase I can keep muttering is "holy shit." Fortunately it didn't take because I have experience with an NPD parent and recognized the shift in behavior quickly, but it's still scary to see it and experience it even when you're aware of what's happening.
@@yasminabelkacemi7938I’ve also experienced both and I’d say (covert in my case) npd was way more charming and adult-like in the day to day, managing to fool everyone around them they were super capable. They had this idealized image of me which they also managed to slowly turn me into, of someone who was way more joking and “cool” than I usually am. However, they were super depressive deep down and not at all exciting to live with. The bpd needed me more like a child needing a parent, and was always sharing their inner world with me, to the extent that I stopped existing after a while as it was all about them. They weren’t as depressive and fun to be around, but much more reactive and explosive out of nowhere.
My ex was BP. Maybe it's different if they are male. The sex was "off" from the start. I felt it. No intimacy, just sex. He asked where was the "make up sex" cheated on me, pornography always wanting me to "chase" him. That's something unknown to me. He would ask, "why don't you xyz? It all felt off. Criticize someones sexuality, it's over. I pulled away. He turned to porn and LOTS of it. He admitted his exwife said the same thing, "no intimacy" as we were going into marriage counseling. I felt emotionally unsafe with him. So now, the demise of our marriage. 11 years and not even "good sex" lol. The rollercoaster ride is over.
Shoshannim (Hebrew ששנים, 'lilies') is mentioned in Psalm 45 and Psalm 69. Its meaning in these Psalms is uncertain. Some believe it to be a kind of lily-shaped straight trumpet,[1] a six-stringed instrument,[2] a word commencing a song[3] or the melody to which these psalms were to be sung.[4] The Hebrew root word used is Psalm 45 and 69 according to Strong's Exhaustive Concordance[5] is Strong's #7799 defined as "probably any lily-like flower".
Sad women with no self asteem from childhood trauma , who have to have muliple partners to enforce their external validation..They litearally have no sense of self..
So true, every night he would walk in the door with a huge drama, nothing ordinary, big big drama king. I would sit with dread awaiting the next catastrophe and he never disappointed. Exhausting. His anger was demonic. It was very much a push/pull situation. I hate you, don't leave me. I finally walked and never looked back, was afraid I would turn to stone.
It absolutely was the sex. Once I was hooked then the threats of stopping the sex and intimacy started. I’m so lucky because I caught on quickly and put down boundaries saying I wouldn’t tolerate those threats…and boom. I was blocked on everything instantly.
I saw an interview with a homeless addict and they asked what her triggers were that made her want to get high, and the first thing she said was boredom.
This is a really great video, well thought out and well put together. I have observed relationships with people who are (maybe I should not diagnose) potential boderlines, narcissist and perhaps psychopaths. What I have seen, inasmuch as these relationships are destructive to the individual, there is always an element of willing participation on the part of the person on the receiving end, and in a way, encouragement of the destructive behavior on part of the boderlines and narcissists. People seem to want the exciting aspect of the cluster b personality without the abusive aspect. What they don't realize is that one does not exist without the other and so they stay for the excitement in the hope that the abuse will go away, inadvertently encouraging the very patterns that they find are harmful for their mental health. The very abuse that they complain about is the same abuse that they are addicted to.
I wonder what makes it so difficult for people to just be balanced. So, in this case, be exciting and healthy at the same time. It's really not rocket science. I guess a big part is that people don't believe they have the ability to choose how or who to be and/or think it's too much work to do so.
Everything you described is the first time I've ever heard ANYONE describe me accurately , god we are scary , when all we want is too be safe loved and at peace.
No one captures the essence of the borderline experience better than Dr. Vaknin. If given the opportunity, I would do it all over again. There's nothing like experiencing the extreme highs and bottomless lows of loving a borderline. When it's good its good! When it's bad it's better. Especially if you are somewhat disordered yourself.
@@SuperDodoe Has to be😄 I think a healthy well adjusted person wouldn't ignore the red flags. They might however use the pwBPD for one night stands and be smart about it, and end it there. The pwBPD is very intuitive, and will instinctively be drawn to the disordered or other deviants. Who else would be willing to ride the roller-coaster and appreciate it🙄🙄
@@aalves9453 I gave my ex covert narc almost a heart attack during our breakup phase LoL 😆😆 he got severe panic attack and later praises his mother's love for him (he chose his mother over me ) he discarded me and marries his ex partner who was a normal human being with codependency (not dependent personality disorder, just codependency factor) she was more stable and no chaotic compared to me BPD with psychopathic traits with avoidant personality disorder , now I'm more stable in nature than before or you can say I become more manipulative than chaotic . I remembered during our initial dating phase how he told me that his mother is a drama queen and always victimized herself 🙄🙄🙄 but after panic attack his mother became motherly savior Queen 👑 .
@@pierreduy8838 hes talking in the context of NPD individual with a borderline. NPD individual seeks their own masochistic destruction by sadistically harming their intimate partner in a bid to get them to react aggressively. Its about an attempt by NPD to individuate from mother, by devaluing and discarding the intimate partner. Thats why.
I’ve been cultivating a relationship with a BPD woman for 15 months and I wear that like a badge of honor. Obviously I have major issues with just said. I’ve been mesmerized… it’s like a beautiful train wreck ❤️
Update: The train wreck has occurred and I think I've become so numb to this, I just smiled, nodded my head in agreement and kept it moving. I could write a book about this shit... what an epic ride :/
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns my gut tells me she'll show up at my door in about a month of no contact. For the first time (because this has happened many times already) I don't want her back. I hope she has discarded me and I feel so much weight lifted from my life... she drained me! I was weak... she's so god damn beautiful and the sex was ridiculous but that recently stopped about 2 months ago. I knew at that moment, I was dead man walking 🤣
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns Thanks for sharing John and thank you for the compliment! Born in Boston and raised in New England now reside in Palm Beach FL. My Father was a South Boston cop for 20 years. It's not an official diagnosis but I'm sure he would've been labeled a very high functioning narcissist. My mother is extremely difficult. My siblings and I all agree that she is your grandiose narc half the time and a victim the other. Why am I telling you this? To relate with you because I can understand how you feel. I questioned if I was someone with NPD a few times but there's one saving grace that negates that question. I have a self, a core being that has never changed. That I-ness you feel when referring to yourself saved me at a very young age. I begin tapping back into that and it's been very healing. I feel actual self love for the first time since I was a very young child. I've been searching for it and it's been there this whole time. It's super subtle but it's there and the more you focus on it, the greater that feeling of knowing becomes. Sorry to get woo woo on you.
That’s it…the fact you keep going back says you have issues to and you clearly enjoy it TOO. So when these men claim I’m crazy I’m this I’m that yet keep coming back..knowing full well I’m boderline..SAYS A LOT MORE ABOUT THEM 😂
Sounds like a legitimate behaviour to me, if she doesn’t want to be turned into a furniture by a Narcissist. My relationship with a male Borderline could have destroyed my life - but you haven’t lived if you never experienced it.
My father was hollowed out by my borderline mother. I miss them both: The father I'd once had & had hoped to grow alongside, and the promise of the mother who was not the woman who ostensibly 'raised' & 'loved' me.
I love your videos and the colourful language and imagery. They are very helpful and a therapy in themselves. "Fourth wave tsunami" didn't go unnoticed!
This video is brilliant in terms of clearly describing BPD. This was my last relationship. I’m now questioning what got me so hooked despite intellectually knowing she was BPD but still I could not resist.
As a self aware borderline the only other personality type I’ve ever been able to date was either a borderline or narcissist. Narcissists are impossible to date & borderlines give me the emotional depth & security I need. Triggering each other though can be a problem so they also have to be self aware.
A special actor. Very true. She told me after our first kiss that she broke up with someone previously for not kissing good. She said I did all the things right when I began talking to her and compared me to other men who'd hit on her. It made me feel like I had been walking through a maze that I didn't know I'd been in. She also said she'd been observing me at work (we worked together). It was like I was groomed for the position and every interaction did feel like she controlled it even if she gave me the illusion that I did.
Also, not all borderlines cheat. I threatened a lot though. It did create a fear driven relationship with my ex narcissist, so - hey fellow borderlines, don’t do that. Lesson learned.
Prof.!!! Thank you for sharing this valuable narrative about BPD. So hard to pinpoint and explain, but you do it so well. Healing is possible, I feel. One must first learn what their behaviors are, where they are stemming from and why, before the pathway to healing can be revealed. It's a long hard road, but it's possible. WIth people like you, who are willing to speak the truth in a clear and understandable way, making it accessible to the masses, It is getting easier to find the reality in this crazy world. Thanks again. Cheers! Mysti in Oregon. USA
Thank you… truth hurts…this one pierced the heart… accurately describing my experience with various woman since my first supposed borderline at 16… god I miss the last relationship… so addictive… what I thought was the deepest love was merely desire, madness, various forms of self deception, illusion, hope and despair… thanks again for these insights…
@@dijagnozayt663 42, looking back, been with 4 woman that probably have borderline ( im not a diagnostic expert, but they have all had the tendencies and idiosyncrasies Vaknin describes )
@@dijagnozayt663 yeah they are deadly attractive… well if one can handle the pleasure, fear and suffering from these encounters. Sounds like it might be time to understand these desires ? Good luck
My ex has had around 8 ex boyfriends Claims "only" had sex with 4 of them. And I actually believed her. Last time she gave me the final split. She told me "She loved me soooo much because she let me know her familiy" her boyfriend never knew her family. Sure. Her last boyfriend. BUT Some of her other boyfriends did knew her family. Man, I feel so duped and stupid. This is what bothers me the most.
Dr Prof.. I have been caught up in the drama spiral of a borderline and I am being sucked dry of energy and sanity. Is there any advice on how to exit this spiral with minimal damage possible.
She is not my partner. Her drama and confabulations have impacted my life severely. I cant stand her but she is partnered with my BIL.. We are barely allowed to speak to him without her permission or presence
@@GaenorBgood Ignore her its the only way. Don't give her any fuel at all. Avoid, ignore, walk away do whatever it takes to stay out of her orbit. Everything else will be futile.
These videos help me so much. I am year 6 in a marriage with U/BDP and the increased devaluation and loss of respect has me ruminating (ROCD) and losing my mind a bit. This video reminds me how we got started, and how I'm not crazy beyond the crazy-making that she creates. I got lulled into a false sense of security that we may have actually cured it together through sheer determination, love, and our shared Faith. Being faced with a sudden split, threats of divorce, and seeing the writings on the wall for an upcoming smear campaign like she had against her ex, I freaked out. Now we are in the eye of the storm and I've given her the ultimatum that either she goes back to trusting me to lead following Biblical principals or we are done. I believe it may be the only way. Stay tuned..
My ‘ex’ has BPD-- but, she didn’t ‘like sex’. She had sexual trauma as a youth. We had a lot of sex before we married. Then afterwards…. Got less and less. We were married for 24 months when I discovered she had BPD. THANK YOU-- your videos helped me tremendously.
@@alesyagrabko That was all so relatable to me so that I almost found it scary to be honest. You are so right. Our integrity sells for nothing if it makes us feel good in the moment...
I do not get people who romanticize this behavior. It happened to me the second time now and thank god I caught it early. Last time it ruined me for a year post breakup and that’s with lots of therapy. I’m never ever giving my self up for someone else’s enjoyment without being respected and supported-you know they don’t actually love you, right?
Youre in a bubble like two children, holding hands in a dark and dangerous frightening forest.... Like Hansel and Gretel. There literally is a fairy tale version of everything in reality.
Ended my borderline marriage earlier this year, and managed to get sucked into a short relationship with another (very likely) borderline. I'm ending it today, seeing her one last time to get back some of my belongings. It always hurts going through this sort of thing, but it's absolutely necessary for one's long term health
No one can beat the accuracy of portraying borderline's cast like Professor Vaknin does . I want to hear about the rest 92 tactics by which narcs and codependents got themselves enslaved and mummified 😆😆
WoW once again, you’ve explained everything like a textbook would. I totally get normalcy/stability doesn’t keep a narcissists (is this apply to covert also)
I wish you kept going with examples, this is my mother and a few other family members. Never ending drama and carpet pulling. They wonder why I left the family so long ago.
I had similar traits to a Borderline, but I have PMDD, and luckily it is being controlled now. I have always been in relationships with narcissists in my life and have decided to be single now. Professor would you be able to do a video on PMDD, it’s not so much a personality disorder but a hormonal disorder but does mimic bipolar and borderline disorders. Thank you for your wonderful videos Professor.
I want too engulf the chosen one but then I'm insecure and I turn on them ,I've become very violent,but I still want them to stay ? I've never been suicidal, I've been with a bpd male who pushed me away ,he fits some of this too x
Part of the lyrics from Tove Lo song Habits; Pick up daddies at the playground How I spend my daytime Loosen up the frown, make them feel alive I make it fast and greasy I'm numb and way too easy
I am in an affair situation, of sorts. there has been some intimacy so far, not total, but i am inured. My god, she is a goddess. I fear my soul is lost, and i want i want that. I am on a third push pull, cycle.. avoidance in a 6 week Period. Its killing me, but i just cannot stop, the promise death of self, and no redemption. bring it. Such Is the pull. Its hard to be coherent.
What if everything matches but she is utterly egoistic and sees her partner as a sub human, often criticizing his character although he is totally loyal in the relationship!!!
The second way a borderline makes you addict with them is so true. I just have a doubt that when these people have used to derive energy and every emotuon and care out of you then how come do they forget you?
