Yes, after 49 years of a living hell I finally have the peace I very much earned, however I cannot take the risk and let anyone in again Tom as I know I don't attract healthy people so I am resigned to a lonely old age but I am happy with that decision and have found the peace internally without searching outwardly and leaving myself open again.
Please don't withhold yourself from a gracious, loving woman (if you're straight) with whom you could share a good life. Help is available. You can find many narcissistic abuse trauma counselors here. You can meditate and change your views completely. Please never give up on yourself. Your presence in the world is a gift to us all. Every single person, even narcissistic parents and siblings, perform a unique part of the plan of life. -I would never have started the journey to loving myself and beginning to establish healthy interpersonal boundaries had it not been for a solid lifetime of abuse. *Many people reading your comments believe in you, whether they comment or not. Please shine your light into the world. It's not the same world without Every person's interaction. Love yourself, start today ☀!
You're right and even your accomplishments are devalued so you can't feel proud of them.. I went and got a college degree years ago and my mom always brings up the one class out of many that I had trouble with it's like they don't want you to have any pride in yourself at all.. they want you to think that you're a failure
Yes, Tom. Welcome to the club. This is common to all of us scapegoats. I was constantly subjected to a steady diet of rejection, absolute disgust, and total disapproval. This persisted throughout my entire childhood. My father's favorite saying for me was that "I was a worthless good for nothing." The resultant collateral damage is Cluster C...Avoidance Personality Disorder. I only had one girlfriend in my entire life. I mistakenly married her. Following the divorce, I never dated again. I never had sex or intimacy with anyone ever again. Just lived alone in total isolation.
@@louisem3969 HA!..... No way! I turn 70 in August. Fantasies regarding love are long gone. I've been a loner and a bachelor for way too long. I adjusted the best I could and am now quite content to finish out my life as is. Thank you for your concern! Best wishes....
@@kazbah1217 I wish I had all of life's wisdom and knowledge to pass along to you. A few years ago, in my late 60s, I finally recognized that my family was the major source of misery in my life. There was just constant drama. And no actual love or caring. I finally got the strength to permanently go no contact with virtually all of them. While I am still basically isolated and alone, I am at peace. I do have a couple of friends that offer some socialization.... No contact is tough. Very tough to walk away from family. But, it may very well be your best option if the negatives (by far) outweigh the positives. Hope this helps a little...Best of luck!!
My mother was outwardly perfect. It helped me a lot when a therapist pointed out that the subtle abuse is in a way more difficult because we are never quite sure that it is happening or if the problem is with ourselves. It sounds like you may have experienced that, too, Kathleen. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping me feel less alone. 💜
Tom, I have had severe anxiety for years. Did not understand what it was. I was always afraid. Been afraid my whole life. Afraid of rejection. Afraid something bad was going to happen. It consumed my life for years. I take meds as well as I need them and they help. But I know it will come again. Keep them close by. I have anxiety even at church or in crowds. Don't like crowds at all. Feel like I'm always being looked at or criticized. I am better since educating myself on narcissistic abuse but still have problems. I think it is a lifetime journey. Unbelievable what these Narcissists do to us. So much time lost.I Like you have health issues. It has been so hard my whole life. At the hands of narc "mom" and enabler "narc father". I no longer use these terms as I feel no mom or dad would ever do this to children they love. God bless you for validating us as well. We love you!
Hello Tom, I used to have fear of rejection for years -- but now that I'm in my 50s, that fear is gone. After going through the crucible with my own narcissistic family for decades, I went no-contact with them 8 years ago. I now don't have this fear, because I grew out of it. Those fears belonged to my narcissistic family, which they projected onto me.
Yeah. I totally recognize it. My mom was always telling me I was making so many mistakes. Every single day she kept telling me what I did wrong, which was basically everything :'-) Always looking down on me. When she didn't tell me with words, I could see and feel it in her body language and the way she looked at me. Always so condescending. Have you tried EMDR? It has helped me a great deal with also this! I wish you peace Tom. Just also wanted to tell you, you've helped me so much troughout the years with your video's.
Me too.Mt mother decided to ignore me even after 20 years of no contact on a family weekendShe is the sickest person i know...I am 54 years old but i am still her property...Glas to be away from her!! Really!!
"You'll never amount to anything." ♥ Thank you so much for your honesty. Please forgive your mother, she had to have been abused in some way herself for her to behave that way towards a small child. I loved my mother so much, I was deeply attached to her. *You can see your negative childhood conditioning as a gift, for you have been given the opportunity to rise above it. You already have, for you are a leader helping others here on RU-vid. That is amazing. I'd love to see you back soon. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
Thank you for sharing this, Tom. This is probably my toughest challenge and makes me afraid even of reaching out to my adult children who have been supportive, for fear that they will turn on me if I make a mistake and I will lose them along with the many others who are no longer in my life. The holidays are especially difficult, so I appreciate you helping me to not feel alone in this. I wish you all good things, with gratitude. 🙏
I have sever anxiety to, and need medication for it, if it becomes to much for me. I had daddy issues when I was growing up. I forgive everyone who hurt me. But now I've learned to keep healthy boundries. I think it's a life long process of healing. Like the layers of an onion. Glad to know we are not alone in this. Thank you Tom for another good video. God bless you!! 🙏💙
I’m still learning about this, but I do fear making a mistake. I think it stems from my childhood! And the very abusive relationship I was in as an adult! It takes time to figure this out!
Wow, its been a long time since watching your viedos opened my eyes to the truth of what I was dealing with. It took ten years to get divorced, each failed attempt was due to my nark wanting everything I had, everything I could possibly earn. She acquired a Narrissisit lawyer that I had to pay parking lot people to make sure she did not park beside me. They went back after the divorce was final and demanded my life insurance policy make her the beneficiary Thank you Tom, You will never know how many people you have helped, by sharing your own experiences. No one truly understands the depth of evil they have encountered, unless the play book is written by a survivor of this torment. I noticed a lot of people popping up on RU-vid who were trying to give council to others. All I can say is, unless you have experienced this abuse your just a arm chair quarterback. I hope you are Blessed in all you do, and can keep sharing about these creatures. People need to know about malignant Narrissisit, because they are dangerous.
-Tom, I know this may sound cliche, but... you HAVE to get this... when she was callin' you a r*****, s***, l***** b******, over and over again - those were demons speaking through her, to you - she had demons living inside her - and... SATAN'S A LIAR - again, I know this may sound cliche, but when you get that memory, just remind yourself, out loud, "Satan's A LIAR" - and repeat it, if it helps
Omg this is me!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t even take constructive criticism 😞. I’m newly married and feel afraid of being rejected DAILY! How do I trust my new husband when I’m not healed ?????
Their damage to us can be overcome. Remember it was their insecurities and our greatness that made them attack us our whole lives. We are more powerful than we realize! Start by telling yourself daily, in the mirror, how important you are. It's hard at first, it takes about 2 weeks to say it to ourselves and finally believe it. A very good counselor told me to do this years ago, best advice I got!
Thanks, Tom! The thing I notice is that what the self-absorbed narcissistic person says is a flaw or wrong is typically not correct and most typically made up. The self-absorbed narcissistic person typically indulges in the deal-breakers and then blames the person that they are targeting with their shenanigans. The rest of us sit down and talk things over. We are shocked and hurt when the self-absorbed narcissistic person will not.
Yes,yes,yes!!! It isn't an easy thing to get over our raising completely,if we can manage to at all. The Old Testament ( Holy Bible)says train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. When the people we should be able to feel and be safe with aren't, and they keep hurting us, they're making g unseen scars. Scars don't always heal. We can pray to our Heavenly Father who is over all. Nothing is impossible with God. But in the mean times we have to protect our selves,and guard our hearts!!!
Yes totally understand and like you said I hold it in my awareness so it can't sneak u on me and do damage. In this way I can manage it. Thanks for being here x
Yes, I was always called worthless, never did anything right, and yet, I got good grades, did the laundry, cooked, anything she decided needed to be done, while my golden child brother got to go play baseball. Years later, my brother cut me out of his life and wouldn't tell me why. My NM kept verbally attacking me, so I tried to limit my conversations. My dad wanted to know what it would take for me to let this go. I said, I'd like her to respect me. 3 days later, my mom wrote me an email: " I can't believe that I have done something so terrible to you, that I deserve to be shunned, stepped on, and destroyed. Ex-Mom" Talk about rejection. I decided to never to go back, I was done. I've used this time to educate myself about narcissism and your channel has been a tremendous help. It has been 3 years ago today, since I received the email and been no contact with my NM. Never going back.
Yes, I am in complete agreement with all you have said. My Narc Mom just passed away in April. My Siblings, Uncles, Cousins and others in my small family iced me out and have moved from flying monkeys to full Narcs.
Yes, I used to walk in places, stores, whatever, go to school or sports events and feel like everyone was judging me. It gave me severe anxiety to go anywhere. And I had a terrible fear of making mistakes. To the point that even small mistakes, I’d not even realize it but blame others so no heat would be on me. I have done a lot of healing, and am no contact, and I don’t struggle with this nearly as much. Very little. I can go places and be ok being around others. I am ok with who I am now, all my hope is in Jesus and not people…and I know who my people are. Not everyone is “your people” and it’s ok. I used to desperately want to belong in groups that I didn’t fit into, it doesn’t matter now. They are not my people and that’s ok. It used to be so bad I couldn’t go to the gas station in less than full makeup and perfect hair and dressed up without a panic attack. Now I go to my kids games in my sweats and my hair pulled back, I no longer wear makeup, it’s ok. Not judging anyone who does that but I have realized I was living a very fake existence for other people who didn’t matter anyhow, and no longer cared to do that. My children woke me up when they were small. I wanted them to have better than I did. Seeing these things and knowing what you want to change is huge. Seek professional help but if you don’t get what you need, move on. Sadly there are therapists who are less than understanding. And some are stellar. Prayer and fasting works wonders. Read the Bible. It brings great peace that you will never find anywhere else. Just saying that to give people hope. I am almost 50, I spent the first nearly 40 years of my life living in a way that makes me sad to look back on. Shalom, God’s peace to you all. ❤️ I hope you all have a happy holidays.
Wishing you and your son the merriest of Christmases Tom. Thank you for all the wonderful content you have uploaded over the years. God Bless you my friend. 🎄✨💙✨🎄.
While my mother never called me worthless persay... It was always her actions and constant lectures that made me feel like I was never good enough. My feelings were always invalidated ... I always kept everything bottled in and I lived that way for years... Always bottling up emotions and stuff, never really being able to truly express myself. It's taken a toll on my psyche, that's for damn sure. I do have trust issues and I am afraid of getting rejected. I was rejected by my father as a kid, he was hardly ever around despite living in the same goddamned town. Our relationship has gotten better but there was a time a couple years ago, I had to go no contact. I'm still afraid of emotionally opening up to him and anybody for that matter
Does anyone else feel intense anxiety around giving gifts, when they are "expected"? Christmas or Birthdays? I am no contact with my family, but still, with other people in my life I spend absolute hours of uncertainty agonizing that the gift will be wrong, and that person will feel all these emotions toward me, and it might end everything? I'm not usually walking around totally insecure with these people, they are my friends...but I always got so slammed by gifts to my family, it was straight up trauma.
AMEN. I just spent half a day trying to pick a gift out for someone. Second guessing myself. Not sure anything was the “perfect gift”. Afraid of making a mistake I suppose! I have done this my whole life. Everything had to be perfect. Since learning of this type of abuse I am giving myself more grace to make mistakes. It’s a great feeling to know it’s ok to not be perfect and it’s ok to make mistakes. It’s normal!
I'm passed rejection. Now I just want to be savage. I don't want to sugarcoat anything. Now I just look mean. Sometimes it's warranted others not. I'm still awful at expressing myself. I didn't grow up learning social skills because I was neglected and bullied by everyone around me. (Shout out to my high school friends still by my side an understand me) I even F up commenting on posts, I still look like an asshat and I didn't use a voice or body language. I guess theres a balance on the proper way to respond. Out of everything the narc mother did, this one effected me the most. I was always that kid that said what everyone was thinking but didn't have the balls to actually say it. Now that I'm older it's still there. With PTSD for the majority of my life this year has been a huge eye opener. I want to continue to evaluate my behavior. I recognized that when I'm going to say things I cant take back just to shut my mouth and cool off. Sometimes I just become mute even at the grocery store (funny story) bc it's better then making a scene. Sometimes I cant help but let it rip. I look at my life and behavior bc I don't want to be her, and gawd I look just like her. Even with dyed hair and no eyebrows and piercings, I sometimes see the villain of my childhood staring back at me. I've debated plastic surgery. I think I'm prettier than her and that's why she hated me so much. Sometimes I still have the negative thoughts she drilled into my head all my life, "you're not good enough, that dress makes you look fat, your skin is ugly, that and this and that aren't perfect, no one will love you". I think some of my friends dealing with stuff see me and wish they could look like me and it's weird. I'm a sh** show through and through lol I guess I have to see myself as i am and hold value to myself and the person I want to be.
ME. I AM ALWAYS AFRAID OF MAKING MISTAKES BECAUSE OF FEAR OF REJECTION. Was always made fun of when making mistakes. Was also made to feel awful whenever I asked for help. Now I know that it is because of narcissistic abuse.
Collateral damage: distancing yourself from extended family you like because of fear they are “flying monkeys” or they might tell the narc family member about your personal matters. Can u do a video on this?…I feel like it’s all or nothing if you like someone who is still friends with the narc who you’ve been “no contact” with for a few years.
After a narcissistic relationship that I was in for a large part of my life, it has been very hard to realise I am “good enough”, no..better than enough. The narcissist doesn’t even come up to my ankle. Many years of counselling and no contact have been a big help.
I look back and realize that I have told different women in my romantic life that I loved them to guilt them into telling me that they loved me. Fear of rejection! Have done that with my adult children too. I’m the youngest of six children. Four of us kids and two bully parents.
I was rejected by my parents . I even learnt my mother used to use my name as an insult behind my back. I tried too hard understanding why as the rejection process was just a projection of my parents'inner issues. I was very apprehensive as a young adult. Extremely unhappy. Then, after some therapy, I decided not to let parents and narcs pollute my life. It took a lot of time. If someone rejects you with no reason, it's their problem, but they're dangerous. You'll eventually believe you're worth nothing. They can brainwash you very quickly. Stay away ! Life is too short. It takes a lot of inner strendth to " not let them give you a social disease ". " Won't let a stranger give me a social disease. " ( Madonna. Track : Nobody knows me ).
Yep! I could get 85% on an exam and catch shit because i failed on the 15%! My dad always pointed out what was wrong with me! He did not love his kids and made it known all the time we were not wanted!
Self sabotage is one but also being a high acheiver. Not really collateral damage as it's an unusual positive out of an awful situation. I remember thinking I am going to prove you so wrong when I get older. And I did!! But now I suffer with Imposter Syndrome terribly.
I struggle every day to see the reality of the love my partner has for me. I’m 21 and I got out of my situation with my mother when I met my partner and ended up living with him very quickly due to being kicked out once again at 20 after living out of my car for a year and reconnecting so I could survive. He loves me unconditionally and has proven it over and over again. But if everything isn’t perfect in life I’m internally going over and over different ways I can fix it. Bc inevitably it’s my fault right lol. That’s the narrative anyways. He is very patient and sees me doing this and pulls me out of it almost every day. I feel extremely guilty for the weight this puts on him. I’m not sure if it’s bc it’s wrong or bc my brain is screaming that the debt I owe will be to much. And it will kill me. Even though he would never. It’s still a very real fear of mine. My demons haunt me every day, I broke out of physical hell but mentally I’m still locked up getting burned. I can’t sleep unless I’m so exhausted I can’t stay awake anymore due to the monsters my mother created. I just keep trying to remember it’s a war not a battle. And I’m not the only soldier fighting anymore.
Yeswe made believe that we can't have a choice and we are not allowed to say no. Getting your power back is a key here. With narcissistic mothers we made belive that we have no rights at all for anything, when you are down you are cursed as well as double cursed when you are up and loved. You get hate and guilt what ever you do.
Rejection is definitely from narcissist abuse. I learned a lot from watching Surviving Narcissism with Dr Les Carter and Dr Ramani. Both of there youtube video channels have helped me put pieces together of what I went through with narcissists for my healing journey.
Ok so every partner I've had has been a narc with devastating results. I'm 51 now and refuse to let another human in. I got nothing left in the tank for another hit. I'm jaded. My outlook to all possible romantic relationships are "nah, why bother because I know exactly how it's going to end". So is this self sabotage or self protection? Please comment.
