"CONFIDENCE" is a cult 

This is a fantastic point 💯

LITERALLY

I agree!! I remember I saw a tik tok once comparing how we look at less conventionally attractive ppl for example band kids who are known to be extroverted as annoying and weird while popular kids just as confident and loud but more conventionally attractive are seen as funny and sociable.

say it louder!

@@bootyceps8077 oof that is so true

Which makes it oppressively performative💀

Maybe you should all stop policing people and shut the fuck up

what is your definition of self care?

Well you ever thought maybe we like that aesthetic?

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-r_G0xPVSUEI.html

I think the opposite is true When someone is pretty no one gives a f if you are confident. You already "have it all" When someone is below average looking, people are more likely to cheer them on because they feel bad for them.

@@stephlee4355 I think both are true. People like knocking down other people for their own selfish pleasure

Because toxic people try to shut down other peoples confidence to “win the game in a sense.” As soon as you become confident or act confident other “confident” or not confident people who are incapable of change will shut you down to make you stop being confident. Honestly it had only a small percentage to do with looks.

@@stephlee4355 eh maybe, I think people will cheer those on out of pity would be for people who are disabled, or have something that, in the eye of the masses, puts them at an inherent disadvantage. But if they're just.. not attractive without anything necessarily wrong with them, people are more hesitant to applaud confidence out of the idea of "what did you do to deserve to act like this?"

"you can only be confident if you 'deserve it'"

another person who thinks like me.thank goodness I'm not alone with my thoughts.thank you for sharing your opinion!🙏

omg you're so right my mom told me the same thing, like if you never doubt on yourself you are dumb bc you will never change and will making the same mistakes again and again...

@@princepark1013 mytheory right now is that the hyper-consumerism here turns everything into a lifestyle that can be sold. If confidence is just a feeling in a moment, how could they market products for it? Its weird and sad for sure

I hate how everything is turned into a lifestyle these days. Things like confidence and happiness are emotions, not lifestyles.

That's eye opening. I feel dumb admitting this but I never ever realized that treating confidence as a lifestyle rather than a feeling is not how it's supposed to be

I agree. But I think the root problem is that a woman's respect and dignity is directly linked to her attractiveness and romantic prospects. You can't be too attractive or too sexy, then you're treated as if that's all you are, but if you aren't at all conventionally attractive then you're invisible and useless. it's a maddening balancing act, you need to be beautiful but in a tasteful way. So if women have learned their whole lives that being seen as beautiful is how they will gain respect, and being fat is what's holding you back from that status, it makes sense that body positivity would quickly become about changing the idea that fat women aren't beautiful.

both of these comments oh my god exactly!!

@@emmalee1374 !!!!!!!

Yeah. No one has been ready to embrace their ugly. To not just accept having unattractive traits, but embrace and understand how much your looks don't matter in terms of how you feel, how much love you get, and how you live. Beautiful is a word with various meanings, and truly, everyone is beautiful. But some people will never be widely considered sexually attractive, and that doesn't mean they can't have amazing lives, feelings, and yeah, a great partner.

Wow. Wish I could save this forever. That is the problem exactly.

Love this

ooh that hits deep

This thooo

Fr

That’s what I’ve been told too and it hit me just how much stress I had just because I was like “I should be happier, I should get better, I should be trying harder to fix my self esteem” I somehow never realized that that was also really harmful

Omg so true! Finally someone said it

Yep, thanks for putting my thoughts into words

And that also aligns with the idea that if you don't love yourself, who will ?

This 'confidence' culture also inherently demonizes introverts like myself. Can we stop idolising extroverts as the only kind of people who can be successful?

​@@yannagiraud9610 I don't find the phrase to be toxic, IF you don't take it literally. Sometimes, taking care of others helps you take care of yourself as an effect of your actions. I see it as a parallel to lesrning to love others, but most interpret it as "you're unworthy of love if you aren't in love with yourself" which is untrue.

People always tell me I’m confident and I’m always shocked by this.

You can, if you skip having children and workaholism 😅

I feel this. I had relatives in America and to me everything they had was just nicer and better. Then i moved here and nothing changed. I'd buy my clothes where they did, but they never looked like i thought they were supposed to look. I did my makeup like they did, but it never look right. That only led me to believe that i just couldn't be pretty and have nice things no matter what I did, so i stopped trying. It was then that they told me how cool it was that i could be so comfortable in my own skin and how they wish they could do that too. It's a funny world we live in.

meeee!!!! it's so frustrating seeing the that girl/glowup/self-confidence thing be centered around material things! we can barely afford food how tf am i gonna afford skin care??

We’re all being sold a capitalist lie

isnt capitalism great ? 🤩

being "that girl" doesn't imply 100% confidence and perfection at every given moment. the real meaning sought after in this subculture is self-actualization.

same i see videos about how to become that girl, waking up at 5 am working out every thing is listed noted down like tf why would anyone limit or plan their day i can't process the fact ppl want to be like robots its good to be organised but also know the difference between being organised or self limiting

@@HeavenKeller Except you can’t sell self-actualization so the reality becomes selling perfection

@@riceball2824 organization isnt being a robot tf? How is listing your daily tasks self limitation? What r u talking about

What's interesting and a bit scary is that influencers and whatnot have essentially replaced commercials...these people can sell their _followers_ stuff and they'll buy into it.

I agree, also it's a community with likeminded thoughts that not everything in social media is to be glorified

as much as I agree with this sentiment, unfortunately with a lot of pathways it's not what you know it's who you know. It's why nepotism works so well for people. It's awful and makes things so much more difficult for people from lower class backgrounds trying to get to the career they want. You need "connections"

Hard disagree on this one, in the adulting word, it truly is who you know that can make a difference for your career or whatever ambitions one might have. In the adult world, if someone can vouch for you, the likelier you are to get the opportunity you’re looking for. Networking doesn’t have to be a sleazy game, it’s simply just trying to get to know the people around you and everything else then follows. I’ve had at least two job opportunities come through because I told someone I know personally that I was looking for jobs, then that person told their boss about me and vouched for me. Unfortunately, this view can really serve to hurt vs help bc in the real world, merit only goes so far. Unbelievable and unfair, but oh so true

agree, but it's a necessary part in adult life in a lot of careers. i view it as a sort of necessary evil, and i try to be cordial with people i work with.

Me as well. I never understood that. I don't even know if such a thing existed in my high school and I just started my first job this month so I have no idea if that is a thing in general. I always view everyone as the same, regardless of their position. Behaving maturely is a skill which should be used with everyone, not just those in power. And I never saw the advantages of these people who befriend those in power. Unless you're an actor who needs those connections since that job is very well known for its nepotism, I see no other reason for climbing the ladder that way. It seems RIDICULOUS

Unless you're a giant extrovert, networking sucks ass. But as others said, it is necessary (or at least highly beneficial) in every single industry. I work in public healthcare and you would think they would value experience and education above all else, right? Surely no corporate nepotism going on here, right? Nope. 90% of their hiring is from internal candidates, and the other 10% know somebody in the department they're applying to that put in a good word. Networking doesn't always have to be with people in power or positions of authority; oftentimes a referral from someone the employer works with, respects and trusts is enough to work wonders. Employers are way more likely to hire someone who is a known entity than just a bunch of words on a resume, and that's the sad reality.

Ruined by consumerism 🤮

It's truly the new self help

So true

confidence is already a product, look at the number of paid confidence building coaches on social media and in real life.

I think so, too.

exactly + the very experience of living in precarity is itself dehumanizing and the individual is blamed in our society!

omg I completely agree with this comment!

I want to get this comment tattooed

this this this

You hit the nail

The root cause is how society works.

​@@nashinashi0114yeh but obviously how you're navigating it is personal at some extent

Some of us are just ugly and unlovable though. Having confidence isn't easy or logical when you're actually disgusting.

@@jijitters 😬

Definitely agree with this! I was a super shy kid, I had no friends, was very easily intimidated in crowds and such. I was always told that I need to speak up, take up space because it won't be given to me blah blah. As an adult I realised that if I'm the only woman in a group of 10 guys, they'll still go "girls take up so much space!", and being outspoken and knowing my rights leads to harrassment and managers who hate you, all while knowing full well that if I'd been a man I would've been considered a brave entrepreneur. Blah.

Misogynists things, that sucks a lot ! 🤬

agree!! and it's not just in workplace but anywhere. people think confidence in woman is equivalent for attitude and that sucks

@@emotionaldamage9894 Wtf women are giving out their right and honor gosh my blood boils at these misogynists

True. People with certain social privileges tend to forget that those who are disadvantaged or even oppressed by the same social systems that give them their privileges cannot afford to display the same characteristics or behave the same ways lest they be seen as "uppity" or as you said "having attitude."

The thing is true confidence would mean you wouldn't really care if others thought it was ladylike. I get what you are saying though. I think we all care at least a little about what others think and it's hard to be confident when you get mixed messages on how you should behave.

Maybe the problem is that confidence and assertion is usually interpreted as being loud and aggressive when in fact it's all about being confident in your work and asserting your personal values through tact words and deeds. So far, social media women tend to act super loud and aggressive (even cussing or disrespecting people) to show confidence and assertion, which is the origin of this unladylike thing.

​@TK Raid you're making justifications for sexism based on Nothing real, being lady like has been a misogynistic standard for decades before the internet existed

woman: * is confident and assertive but only in a sexual way carefully curated for the male gaze * people: yasss qween! girl power

@@tkraid2575 The problem is that men can be aggressive and loud but it is not viewed negatively.

Also I’ve seen girls reallyyyyy rep being confident and claiming to want everyone to be confident. And then go on to bully and mock other women. It’s not confidence, that’s privilege and and inflated ego. Egotistical and competitive confidence is not the goal.

Periodd!!

female in stem here who has been an academic mentor, anecdotally it does seem to be confidence.

Yesss! Very much girlboss, gaslight, pull yourself by your bootstraps

I think saying men have confidence and women don't is just such a cop out because there's systemic issues at hand and it just is nearly a lie? There's plenty of women with confidence? Confidence isn't simply asking for a raise, being aggressive, or being the loudest person in the room. Confidence can come in so many different forms and pitting what women do versus what men do is just extremely shallow and does not show anyone's true life experiences

@@SamanthaBartonYAY totally - and i've seen studies that say when women do act more "confidently" by asking for raises and negotiating salary, they're perceived negatively much more than men are for the same behaviors. so it's honestly such a lose-lose when the issues of sexism and gender pay gaps in the workplace are framed as women not being confident enough, when confidence doesn't magically make that sexism disappear.

yes, for god's sake, just let us be ugly in peace.

Yup. I’m surprised that in this video she didn’t talk about how the beauty industry shifted its marketing message around the early 2000s from “wear makeup to impress the boys,” to “wear makeup to feel confident and beautiful.” They are literally brainwashing you into buying their product by convincing you that you can’t feel confident without wearing makeup. People don’t talk about this enough.

Preach! How many have spent all that money and still not been confident??

PREACH THIS !!!! They always set standards for us even when they are trying to abolish standards like huh? Let us live

The sad truth is that our society is so warped that in vast parts of it you only have value as a person (and especially as a woman), based on how you look. A lot of like to say that we it's okay to care so much about our appearance (skin/hair/makeup/fashion) because we're actively choosing it and enjoy it. But the underlying reason for that enjoyment comes from the positive reinforcement that society gives us when we are thinner/prettier/fashionable.

You need to detach yourself from trying to fit into an aesthetic. You’re not just one thing or a box where you checklist if you’re doing x,y or z that style of living is so redundant and difficult bc at the end of the who are you really? You should be thinking of how to genuinely express who you are

The aesthetic is a selling tool. That's it. You want to grow your online presence, become an influencer and make money off of it? You film aesthetic study sessions. You're not into influencing? You do normal study session because what is the point? Treat it more as an inspiration maybe- sometimes pick an outfit you like, or a desk lamp from those videos. But that's not real life and unsustainable

I'm so Sorry for what teenagers must go through today. You seem capa le of navigating reality WITHOUT that shit 😘

@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus Count me in

You can have an amazing personality and lots of hobbies, talents etc but the only thing they’ll describe you as is that you’re “shy” 🙄

people pretend to have their shit together all the times, parents to kids, boss to employees, teachers to students, among peers. They just fucked up and try so bad to be exemplar when they aren't.

Soooo... you were introverted?

Not once after being called shy have I actually felt invited to contribute more. I'm usually busy listening to conversations. Whenever I do try to talk I'm usually cut off by someone else who is trying to get a word in during the gaps. If I talk over people I'm rude, if I cut people off I'm inconsiderate, if I talk abot me I'm concieted and if I ask people about themselves I'm nosy. So why talk when I don't need to?

Oh snap!

Also “main character” aesthetic shit too. Like… it’s annoying.

and also very individualistic, which is necessary to the capitalism

This! Just said this in another thread!

Omg you're right.. 😬

the whole ‘have it or you dont’ thing is so true! i feel like it comes with the obsession with personifying confidence, which is being ‘that girl’. it seems like ‘confident’ has become synonymous with being conventionally attractive appearance wise, moving it from a feeling to the act of playing into what is expected of you. its always been used as an aspirational marketing technique but im not sure if that specific word has always been treated as a lifestyle in which you need to laboriously work to attain the title of ‘confident’ to become idolised by other women. maybe it has, but this feels different from the 90/00s brand

Literally couldn’t say it better myself

Okay

This exactly. Confidence comes from circumstances, and changes moment to moment. But people act like you can just grow it like it's a limb, have it forever, and never question its presence (even when it shouldn't be there).

That's so true. In the end it's a feeling, not a lifestyle.

agree

It's constant policing and just seems manipulative and controlling.

🩷

It's always damn it if you do and damn it if you don't. The only thing left is not listening to the bs and just living but that's much harder than it sounds

This is typical cult-like behavior. You will never attain the ideal, that's how they keep you hooked.

Oh I had that exact talk with a friend who always has to be the center of attention when going out, flirting with any men in a 5 km radius even when she's talking to someone and I'm single and ignoring you in favour of getting praise and attention from others, like you do you but as a kind of more introverted person obviously I'm going to feel like shit next to someone like that. I confronted her with her behaviour and her response was that I had to be more open and enthusiastic and get on her level. Like girl, no i do not. I do not strive for that kind of attention from others, I don't want to change myself to meet new people. Either start behaving like an actual friend and support instead of exclude me or I'm not going out with you again. Glad we both came to the conclusion that we dont have to put on a mask for us to be loveable and worthy of being appreciated.

@Himani Singh I understand what you're saying, but I've spent most of ny life trying to be outgoing, to please other people and put in the effort to talk to people, make new friends, etc., but I'm honestly just exhausted. I'm tired of "playing a part" or putting on a "mask" for other peoples' sake. As an adult, I'm just going to live my life the way I want to. I've wasted too much time being someone I'm not lol 🤷‍♀️

@Himani Singh i thought about being snarky but this could be a teaching moment for you so let's break it down. Being introverted or extraverted are not mindsets, these are personality traits and your brain literally functions differently depending on how your personality is leaning. Check out the big five to get really into it but basically introversion and extraversion are a part of every humans personality, it just differs in levels. You can have high levels of extraversion with low levels of introversion and vice versa. Depending on your levels, your brain reacts vastly different to stimulants. A brain with high levels of extraversion gets stimulated way harder than a brain with high levels of introversion, so you'd have to stimulate it way more to get the same bodily reaction as a person with high levels of introversion would already have. Meaning, introverts get overwhelmed and stimulated by certain situations way more easily than extraverted people. It's not a matter of mindset. If you have to force yourself to be out going, social and what not to a certain degree, you will get overstimulated and uncomfortable in the process, because your brain is overwhelmed. The opposite is also true, if you are a person with high levels of extraversion and "choose to be introvert" like you said, you will be understimulated, bored, not fulfilled and unhappy. You can't train yourself to change your levels. Sure, they can change over time, personalities change, but you will be extremely unhappy and unfulfilled. If someone who seemed to be extremely extraverted has zero problems cutting human contacts to a minimum and being alone most of the time from one day to another, they likely weren't that extraverted to begin with. I hope you understand what I'm saying, it has nothing to do with laziness or the mindset, and extraversion as well as introversion are a part of every human being. One is not better than the other and forcing yourself to go against your and what your brains tells you for the sake of "growing" or "getting further in life" is just not beneficial at all. I hope you let go of these beliefs.

@Himani Singh have you read my comment? It seems like you did not or at least not understood it.

@Himani Singh not really, you're talking like being introverted is a personality flaw that has to be overcome to become a better human, while I give you actual science and research. Please, for your sake, get into the big five or any other personality models and you will see that you are indeed wrong, and will hopefully change your mind about how being introverted= lazy mindset.

especially in liberal feminists #girlboss aesthetic spaces

We love them Contrapoints' quotes

Or about "How to do shit when you don't want to do shit without feeling like you're constantly forcing yourself to do shit because nobody else would do your shit" advice. Or "How to not feel like everyone's watching you like you're a criminal while you're doing a completely normal stuff like shopping or paying bills" advice.

I’ve found a few neurodiverse self care spaces that are all about those kinds of things. It’s honestly been helping my mental health so much, I now have disposable tooth floss picks next to my bed so I can still do something to look after my teeth when I can’t get out of bed. I’ve found little changes like that have done more for my mental and physical health and actual self care than the ones promoted in most spaces. Haven’t mastered the sleep one but audio books help me relax, rest and sometimes sleep.

I have taught myself to include self care in my daily routine which includes basic hygiene and staying healthy by eating all three meals, then taking enough rest both mentally and physically and it actually helped me manage my mental health. The "self care" and "productivity" advise on social media doesn't do anything aside from looking pretty and hard working to others rather than actually feeling pretty and productive.

or going to a spa to get a massage

@@oo8962 I get what you mean, but most* people on social media aren't therapists or qualified on that level to truly be giving that kind of advice. You should seek help yourself and do what's best for you.

tiktok ruins lives fr

Female biologist here, different field, same issue. All the women in stem awareness days, lectures etc. seem so freaking useless to me. We went to a talk about working in academia once, where it just so happened that both presenters were women, quite senior in their field, and someone asked about how they could balance a job in academia with having a family. Basically the answer was that they were "very lucky and had very supportive partners". Obviously, I don't blame them for being honest, but when that's the justification for how women can get far in academia without sacrificing having kids, how is it acceptable to go around organising workshops and awareness days, pretending that what's holding women back is a lack of assertiveness? We don't lack confidence in ourselves, we just lack confidence in society and in its ability to treat us fairly without asking us to sacrifice things that men are just not expected to sacrifice. If society wants women to be more confident, it needs to put in the work and gain our trust, so that we don't have to second-guess every decision we make for fear that it will irreversibly screw up our careers, personal lives, financial security for the next however many decades.

@@teom.4888 As another biologist I can also attest to reaching the same conclusions. I've been trying to do a career pivot since 2019. Sure, I learned some things at networking and sessions for women in STEM, but there was no way that writing positive affirmations to help actualize my next job was doing anything. No one wants to admit that when you get highly specialized with a niche skill set in STEM that you have to just wait until you can apply to a position that is close enough. You cannot network or positively think a job into existing when it doesn't exist at the moment. 'Cause all those when all those women in STEM mentors don't know what to tell you when you've exhausted all of their tricks no one wants to admit that you do not control the job market and you are at its mercy. My confidence is decent enough, I got to my current position through hard work and interviews. Yet, to be told to be even more confident and negotiate that next salary aggressively and find a career coach just sounded like a waste of time and money. I can't believe how many people become career coaches mid-career and their bios are always about how they decided to change a their life focus to give back and took the time to retool (with a sig other covering all the bills and being supportive). Like dude, I'm a single professional female, I only have myself to support myself and I have to cover my bum. I hate having to use the necessary evil, LinkedIn where people click away with their tips to finding jobs, being confident and it is just exhausting . . .

THIS!! As a fellow girl in tech I couldnt have said it better myself. I could never pinpoint why these “women in stem” seminars I go to always seem so vapid, or never really offer new solutions or thoughts, but you worded it PERFECTly.

Forester here. Same thing. If I say something in the meeting, I get sniggered at or I see eyes rolling. But when I choose to say silent - I get the "It's like you don't want to be here" comments. I can never win as a woman in a male-dominated field, even though I am wy more educated than my male counterparts precisely because I'm weaker than an average man and had to rely more on my brain than on my muscles

It’s also a dumb town name in England

1000%!!! and then of course there are the double standards where when you DO speak over a man in a meeting who keeps interrupting you, you're perceived as not collaborative enough or too pushy/"bossy"/"bitchy" because having more confidence doesn't just magically fix all the underlying sexism and misogyny in how men and women are treated in the workplace

Yes. A male teacher, when I was answering questions in class that everyone was too quiet to answer themselves, told me I was”dominating” the room, and I felt so ashamed I struggled not to cry. My passion was silenced so that the men in the room who didn’t give a damn could say their piece. If I had a confidence boost for every moment I was told to shut up in my life I’d be a star, LOL!

@Anna Society is literally telling us that women are to blame for misogynistic assumptions others have about you 😑 I do martial arts and am often criticised for looking too dainty when I kick... nevermind that I broke 3 boards with one kick. I'm still supposed to have a tougher mannerism in order to be perceived as confident and strong, because apparently people can't notice your skills otherwise.

Right! Like what do people like your male manager expect- for you to light yourself in fire to get their attention EVERY time you have something to say or contribute?! I'm on the same boat as you- also a female engineer- constantly dealing with the micro aggressions so causally brought up at meetings and wondering is this worth my energy? Which "battle" do I put my energy to this day?

wow strong comment!

thats a beautiful thought...

stat boost

it is also girl power, girlboss energy when we exploit labour /sarcasm

@@busycrying it's the exploitation of vulnerable women an children for me ✨✨

👏

And using obviously edited pictures to showcase their clothes...

Fast fashion companies really be clowning ppl with some buzzwords and marketing stunts ... Friggin horrible how on the other side of the world ppl are being payed scraps

Yes! Like we know we get punished for it. There’s no point in us speaking up in so many situations because they won’t listen!

Ugh I LOVE you.

Omg I love your videos!!

ratio

Right? And it's never "hey boys, shut up and let her talk" either. Now we can all treat each other poorly. Great. Like, I was reading some study the other day about self-assessed intelligence in teens-- boys consistently rated their intelligence higher than it really was, how unrealistic their assessment was correlated directly to narcissistic traits (which boys scored higher on overall in the big five). Girls consistently underrated themselves and were more anxious and depressed. (The study's actual intelligence assessment found no gender difference, no surprises there.) Anyway this study concluded with "let's encourage girls to be as confident as boys!" Like babe OK but you just found aggrandised self-assessment is directly correlated to narcissistic & low-empathy personality traits. Is that the society we want to live in? Girls get to be narcissists too? Nah.

Talking as an introvert here, I put on a performance like a professional actor (I took drama and acting classes in school so that helps get into character, plus the more interviews you do the more experienced you get at acing them). It depends on what kind of job you're applying for though, as they all look for different types of confidence. I will become self-employed within the next few years though, I've had enough pretending to be someone I'm not for money.

Find an introvert to work for

Hmm.. well, anybody would struggle to work with someone who isn't very friendly. It is natural to feel that. And it would be very difficult to work with someone who's confident. Could you imagine , a confident person in a workforce, and their boss telling them that they made a mistake. The confident person will reply "oh i wouldn't have made a mistake, because I'm so sure of it." It is difficult. But a friendly person in the same situation would smile and say "thanks for pointing it out, I'll make sure to fix that." They aren't acting friendly, and holding grudge in their mind. Because they understand that making that mistake was shameful. And they are just glad that the boss told them directly and privately.

Depends on where you’re looking but at least my experience in the Tech industry (specifically large companies), hell yes they care much more about personality. But it’s not about introvert/extrovert Type A or not. For them it’s they want people that will fit there team and will just straight up be a good coworker to be with 5 days a week. Assuming you have the basic prerequisites of the position, then you can learn whatever else you need on top of that. My other experience working food and service industry though… you’re right but that’s almost the worst of the worst.

Exactly thiss!! I am confident AND a black woman, not a confident black woman. These should be separate, not all black women are confident idk why everyone is so obsessed with this idea.

Actually, I think this is spot on! I can remember crying or showing anxiety or being overwhelmed as a teen and being told that not only was I "being weak and needed to be strong" but I was also "acting like white a woman."

@@CiaraRouege ❤️❤️ All love to you guys. I'm sorry if you probably had to bottle your emotions, experiences, and all those negative moments just for the image of being a strong black woman.

This is why people need to stop making race a personality trait and see it for what it is;a made up concept created by white supremacy in the 1800s. People try to argue that race is important and that you shouldn’t try to get rid of it because your erasing diversity but is race, something you share with a few billion people on the planet even real diversity? If anything it creates tribalism and takes away one’s individually by being grouped in with a bunch of other people and creating a whole bunch of unrealistic stereotypes that end up hurting everyone at large wether bad or “good”. Honestly all race does is put people in the box instead of just letting people be themselves and put pressure on them to act a certain way.

Yeah and then when all your build up frustration is released or you show any kind of emotion, then you are the "angry black woman"

*Sorry I have some grammatical errors 😅

This is so true😢😓

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-28TansXa_WI.html

I agree! Especially with tik tok being apart of everyone’s daily routine now, it feels like everyone is trying to be like everyone else.

@@samarayared7183 ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-28TansXa_WI.html

There’s other types of self care, though! Going to bed at a reasonable hour, getting out of bed, taking your medication, eating three times a day, going outside, seeing other people, brushing your teeth, those are all self care! Just starting with one is fine, you don’t need to, and can’t, just plan out a full daily routine. I'm at a much better place than before and I still don’t do all those things like a checklist every day. All my life planning out routines never worked, medication, therapy, and starting with small steps, they helped. See what’s most wrong, and try to fix that one issue.

The matching sets, the 8 dollar matchas, the 80 dollar yoga class, the 100+ dollars worth of shower/beauty supplies! ITS ALL TO GET YOU TO SPEND YOUR MONEY AND put into the pockets of the rich. But society twist this as a goal of perfection, control, and power when in reality they are being CONTROLLED by the man.

@@Crab_cakey_cake it’s the american dream✨

It’s also all about making you a perfect productive little worker bee!! Its just grind culture packaged as wellness for women. Working 8hrs + exercising + making “whole food” home cooked meals + study 🙄 they want us run off our feet trying to chase this new brand of perfection.

we live in a capitalist society what did you expect?

Everything is. You have to approach new trends and buzzwords with the question "what does this demand of me, and who does it benefit?"

What does it truly mean to be autistic?

@@dianalove539 it’s a mental condition people are born with? What do you mean?

@@dianalove539 I’m sure you’ve heard of google. Please don’t expect disabled people to teach you, it’s draining for us

Worked for me & shit i have that & ptsd

@@cattc6946 PREACH!

Exactly I agree 💯

beautifully said....i agree

I was looking for such a comment! I fully agree. And the road to confidence starts with...being unsure of yourself and questioning who you are ! If you've never questioned yourself, then when somebody else does it (because of an argument or off-handedly) all the shiny confidence you had that was built on nothing will most likely crumble down...

That is true confidence.

Personally I think it’s better that people are doing this rather than following the whole “Omg im so ugly 😣🥺 and I need validation from others” trend. I can’t tell you the amount of times people do that on tik tok, if people have so called “confidence” in themselves and that makes them feel better about themselves; then explain to me why are we creating an issue out of something with no problems. It only becomes an issue when you start to harm yourself or other people, this is one of the least harmful trends I’ve seen. People trying to find confidence in themselves by taking self-care oh wow so terrible.

@@fakefake1305 ngl I agree why are people getting pressed over people taking care of themselves 💀. If you don’t like someone eating healthy, exercising, and trying to help other people lead a healthy lifestyle maybe you’re the problem, people should just ignore it if it bothers them so much.

and internet 'confidence' is always for people who are *already* confident and beautiful; people who don't need confidence as they already have genetic and financial help to achieve their goals...

@@katfujioka212 Part of me wonders how real/true that content is though, especially if they have sponsorships. Public images and personas don't always show everything, only what they want you to see.

I feel like the confidence stuff on tiktok is made up of ppl who either actually have superiority complexes or are confident on screen but actually don’t like themselves irl atleast that’s how it feels on my fyp

Hey girl!!! Love your asmr 😃

I second that!

She hit the mark with representing that people are sensitive to environment, it’s basically impossible to find confidence just within yourself without the help of material objects, validation from other people who promote the idea you want, whether it’s workout clothes, teas, dietary supplements, new skincare. It’s so bad I can’t comprehend it sometimes, it’s infiltrated with white women pushing for feminist agendas, ew. I’m going off here but whatever I can’t I can’t right now I’m like psyching myself out

she absolutely does. i love how sensitive she is towards different groups and identities, and the way it’s put together. these videos are structured in a way that keeps me hooked! i love it

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-r_G0xPVSUEI.html

Yes, I agree. Gaining confidence and self love is a process.. And sometimes we have to accept the shit days. You can't do much to change it. You can't always feel confident, putting it as a personality trait is like saying " Only a few people with this trait are actually confident..And you can't. Insecure is your personality trait. " It genuinely pisses me off

SO TRUE !!!

thank you for this

that's so beautiful. thank you for sharing!

This is spot on to how I understand confidence. I’m disabled and some days are crap health days, but I’m secure in myself that it doesn’t mean I’m worthless and incapable of doing what I want in the long term I just have some limits and that’s okay. I’m still a human that can be a positive impact in the world worthy of love.

@@FifthAveAtFive That’s beautiful! Stay wonderful and positive

@@hollysmith3879 ur so welcome💕!

I know right? it's like they don't see the actual problem why we aren't "confident" like them.

As the entrepreneur of its own self, the neoliberal subject has no capacity for relationships with others that might be free of purpose. Nor do entrepreneurs know what purpose-free friendship would even look like. As a mutant form of capitalism, neoliberalism transforms workers into entrepreneurs. It is not communist revolution that is now abolishing the allo-exploited working class - instead, neoliberalism is in the course of doing so. Today, everyone is an auto-exploiting labourer in his or her own enterprise. People are now master and slave in one. Even class struggle has transformed into an inner struggle against oneself. People who fail in the neoliberal achievement-society see themselves as responsible for their lot and feel shame instead of questioning society or the system. Now, under the neoliberal regime of auto-exploitation, people are turning their aggression against themselves. This auto-aggressivity means that the exploited are not inclined to revolution so much as depression. *_Psychopolitics_* - Byung-Chul Han.

It gets so tiring when rest has to be “productive”. I had a horrible breakdown about this thought just yesterday and went on a walk to try and run away from the feeling. It became so overwhelming I almost collapsed while walking. I’m so tired of “trying to be better”.

Oml, u just put how I’ve been feeling for ages into words. Thank u

Resting in bed can be a form of self neglect though. It's also usually a sign that something is wrong, like depression, which means people should be empathetic but not normalize it. I'm not saying you have to spend all your free time doing yoga or swimming but that other activities that actively help you recover & recharge should be encouraged too. Like doing art, gaming, socializing with people you like, many different hobbies & activities which have a positive impact on peoples health.

What you've just described really genuinely sounds like a cult omg?

I’m so sorry you had to deal with that trauma, Angelica. And then to have that trauma magnified by adults who should’ve been helping you but they did nothing to change the situation. I hope you’re in a better place now. 💝 You deserved help and caring. Your cousin is a disgusting POS.

@C S wow thanks so much for all that fucking empathy

Yeah thats illegal wtf that councilor should go to jail

@C S ma’am… they don’t have to put a trigger warning anyway, your triggers are your triggers, they just wanted to be nice, they don’t have to

I am a teacher. What happened to you is illegal where I live. Teacher and counselor could have gone to jail for their actions. If a student comes to me with a story of abuse, I have to call Child Protective services and the police. A child would removed from the home and taken into protective custody. I know you might have felt like a loser but that teacher and counselor were the real losers.

YES.

This screams first world problems. I’m sorry Americans but being ugly isn’t oppression.

@@user-qv6fg1zr6y Why are you bothered by what she said. People in all countries can agree that not fitting the beauty standard can negatively impact your life.

@starlyn - why? Because it’s fucking annoying. We get it emily you have a long face poor you. Who gives a shit?? That’s not a struggle.

Imo, the whole point of confidence is that you don’t need anyones permission to be confident. Both for privileged and marginalized people, if your confidence is centered on the opinions and acceptance of the people around you then it isn’t confidence. That’s just other people giving you their permission to exist. Although yes, obviously we do live in a society and privilege gives you less oppression to worry about, Confidence is not a feeling someone else has to give you. Think of any and all marginalized groups that exist in our society, LGBT, poor, neurodiverse, POC, etc obviously have countless and millions of confident people within them, despite facing systemic oppression. Also think of the MANY conventionally attractive people who are deeply insecure and constantly validation seeking. Obviously you didn’t say there are NO confident marginalized people or NO insecure privileged people, but honestly I definitely think it’s more complex than privilege = confidence. Only giving yourself the permission to feel confident when systemic oppression disappears or lessens (which could take several lifetimes) seems like the direct opposite of what confidence is.

Especially when people have their biases take over after letting them know you're disabled. The amount of times people underestimate and hesitate to provide basic accommodations is so frustrating.

Trying to tell myself that being targeted at work for my disabilities and losing my job happened for a reason. It’s exhausting and when I’m depressed about my limitations I just get told to change my perspective, but I’m being told this by able bodied people who go on vacations and have large groups of friends and don’t have anxiety.

hi same!! i have horrible asthma and eczema scars and my family jusg tells me to “own it” and “who cares just be confident” it’s easier said than done.

@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus damn, I'm stealing that one

Had a doctor tell me when I was trying to figure out what was wrong (i was 15 or so) that I should feel happy that they couldn't find the cause, most kids come in with headaches and they're dead by Friday, and I was just a pretty young woman (or whatever bullshit creepy old men say) with headaches so I should be grateful. Like bruh I'd be more grateful if I could talk about my pain without someone saying "oh someone has it worse" or "but you don't look sick!"

true!

and a mental state can affect your confidence levels on a day to day basis. they act like that's not allowed

you're right. there are times when i can go out confidently, thinking i look like the best person in the room, but at the same time i'm trembling with anxiety on the inside.

!!!

in my feed to be ‘that girl’ means skinny white and rich

@@allthebutterflies111 from what I've seen of the "that girl" stuff its not really about physical appearance beyond doing what makes you feel better (skin care, healthy eating, exercise). They usually encourage people to read, meditate, get up early, ect. Im about as far removed the the "that girl" as a person can be and still be a female so perhaps thier are nuanced i am not aware of. But from where I stand, it seems like something that has more positives than negatives. The biggest issue seems to be that it idolizes women who are presenting a very curated image of themselves rather than the reality that no one can be "that girl" all the time.

@@undetestable1 Yeah that's also a good point! Being "that girl" is not for me, but it's great if it is for you

Yeah not to mention confidence will not give me better body or grades. They're achieved through hard work and persistence. Gaining anything requires some sort of effort and most of the time it's not smooth or happy.

the idea that things that happen to other people or things that are done to them is up to them is just a harmful mindset in general. like how is it that the people who make the choice of bullying you aren’t to blame but you are? no matter who you are and however you behave (as long as you’re not harming other people), you don’t deserve such treatment. it’s very much victim blaming and i can’t believe people genuinely think that way.

Yeah even in adulthood having confidence or lack thereof can and will be used against you, people will brand it as rightfully taking you down a peg or using it as an excuse to walk all over you, you can't win

My Dad does this, its so annoying.

I have always hated how people blame peoples actions on someone elses inactions. Sometimes people are just terrible (especially children) and it has nothing to do with the person being bullied.

💗💗💗

That and they're usually of high socio-economic status, are able bodied, etc. Essentially, the "confidence" rhetoric is mostly spread by those who are privileged in society, like you can obviously choose to take time to boost your confidence when you're in a position in which you don't have to worry about bills, discrimination, etc. Everyone else, however

Pretty rich women

and if they weren’t conventionally attractive, ppl would say that they should be "humbled" 💀💀

I mentioned feeling uncomfortable in gyms to a conventionally gorgeous blonde girl who replied with "Just don't give an eff about what people think!" I (an average at best person) was only referring to the depressing atmosphere rather than anything about what people thought of me.

I’m also a cancer survivor and I had a similar self-love arc. I try to practice body neutrality these days. Good luck on your health journey!

You are so wise!!

I don't know if anyone has said this to you already but I'm proud of you!

🤍🤍🤍🤍

"I'm now aware on the difference between enjoying beauty and DEPENDING on beauty" wisest shit I've heardg

Oh my god, YES. I always think of law of attractive and “vibrations” thing as a nonsense BS thing. My main issue is when it’s used against serious stuff and made seen as if YOU are the issue if something somehow isn’t clicking…. Like when I opened up about bullying to a *coach* She told me that the reason I get this treatment is how I vibrate to others and allow them to treat me that way or that my confidence levels that speak to others to treat me this way…. It really hurt me and it made it worse for me the whole bullying experience. now I do understand what she meant, sometimes some behaviors makes it easier to have bad people around and how they treat us, such as people pleasing or being too nice, but this doesn’t always apply to us and the way she said it was too cold… As if awful people don’t exist or if they do then somehow you contribute to it or it was your fault, they don’t say it that way but the way they phrase things is exactly that way. like as if I say responsible for shitty individual’s behaviours.

@@marinaSassygUrl88 I am so sorry a "coach" spoke to you that way. It's sad that you were vulnerable enough to open up about your bullying experience, and she basically responded by bullying you yet again. If you applied this same thought process to a r*pe victim, it's SO obviously wrong in that context to say you were "vibrating to allow others to treat you that way". I think even she would agree that line of thinking is so wrong, but why is it then ok in another situation? Especially cause so many kids get bullied just for being - being fat, being black, being an immigrant, being gay, being on the autism spectrum, etc. It's the bigotry of the abuser that's the problem, and you were just trying to process your experience and move on from it, not put yourself further down the rabbit hole of blaming yourself. So from this totally unqualified person, I hope you are able to find healing and closure.

@@CasaDuroTinyHome thank you very much- I can’t thank you enough for your sweetness and kind words you said to me. It’s very rare how few people can understand why this is fucked up, and you just made me happy and validated my feelings about this so thank you 🌺💜💜 The whole situation was very disgusting for me to process. I was on this app that is used for only speaking on video calls- like Skype, but no picture just voice. So you meet different people and just talk- no messaging. I forgot the name of the app, I actually tried to forget the whole experience and everyone there bc there were a lot of douchebags on there anyways. So anyways, I enter this chat room- or let me say speaking room- and I met different people. My main goal was to get more confident, and feel less anxiety, cause I have a terrible social anxiety and I suffer from confidence issues. Well that was a BAD idea cause it only made me feel worse, when some people would dislike something I say or not follow me back or unfollow me after a chat ( you can follow people and have profile and bio but can’t actually message by chatting only by speaking ). So anyways, in this chat room, I met this so called “coach” and, I thought it would be a good idea to share my experience and - I don’t remember why exactly but I am sure she asked us something and then I went ahead and shared that. I wasn’t too happy about my situation so it must’ve been a question I replied to. After that, she started making it all about her self and trying to turn everything I say into “ oh my gosh I used to be just like youuuuuuu I remember I wasn’t able to stand up for myself” or “ it took me so longggg to be confident and i was just like you” and then went on and on about her experiences and lecturing me about how she got where she is now- a confident strong women that she wouldn’t have dreamed of in the past…. to the point where I don’t even remember I had to speak about ME and it almost felt like it was about her. She gave me a pretty self centred person vibe. The thing that made it worse, is that other people were in the chat, and I felt so small when she was making it seem like it had to be all me and if I only was stronger than I could’ve avoided this. I mean I even tried to sympathise with another women that opened up about her bullying experience and that’s when she comes in she interrupts me - in an obvious annoyed voice “ excuse me, there’s a truth to that [referring to me saying that it’s the bully’s fault for doing that] but we can vibrate certain things to let others know how they treat us- it’s our vibrations “ and went on and on about it. Hell I even felt so brainwashed and I was so confused- and actually believed if I had “ vibrated” differently it wouldn’t have happened. Not only that but her tune and attitude were what struck me the most- and I blamed that on myself, I said maybe I am sensitive that’s why I thought she was rude but now that I think about it, no she is actually rude. So yeah, this was an experience that really fucked me up. I was at the most vulnerable place- and I was still hurting from the bullying that wasn’t too long ago- and being on that app and hearing these things made it alllll so much worse and hurt me more than benefit me. I am okay with lessons and learning- but this is a classic victim shaming in a new age. They always try to make it sound like we are stupid if we argue against this- but these people are the problem. And exactly, you wouldn’t say that to a rape victim, why to a bullying victim? What’s the difference? It’s not like I knew these people that bullied me and then I let them do it- they had issues and resorted to me. They were a gang and I couldn’t do shit cause all the classroom is on their side cause I am not really social with anyone, so I can’t do anything. I even reported them but to no use.

It's literally just a secular version of the prosperity gospel, the Protestant thing where if you haven't gotten wealth then you haven't put enough faith and prayer to God, had enough positive thoughts, and *haven't given the church enough money* . God or the universes, prayer or manifestation, faith or mindset. It always ends with you being asked to open your wallet to make it happen. These new manifestation gurus act like they're pulling something new, but it's the oldest business in the books!

fr someone will post smtg like “I used this audio and the next day I got an iPad and $100 more in my allowance!” like at that point it has nothing to do with the audio and everything to do with your rich parents lmao

“Insecurity screams, confidence whispers” is a quote I love and that reminds me to stop feeling gaslit that I’m lesser by noisy, obnoxious people because I don’t babble incessantly. Shouting exhausts me and I’d rather be around people who want to know what I have to say, rather than having to yell to be noticed.

I actually believe the “loud confident people” are the people with the most insecurity feeling the need to be heard, validated, & recognized. Genuinely confident ppl are quiet, they don’t need anyone’s approval or to be liked.

I remember adults would tell me I was shy because I'm quiet and soft spoken and it just made me confused. I didn't feel insecure about approaching people as a kid, if anything having these things pointed out created insecurities. I talked to anyone I wanted I just didn't like talking over people and talking loudly like you. I remember I would walk around my small town just to talk and hang out w my favorite shopkeepers/employees who were like 16 year old girls when I was like 10 lol

Great point!

Never read it put so well before 👍

I agree. It's like "everyone is a winner." It's meant with good intentions, but ultimately means there is something so inherently wrong with not being a winner that that other option must not be mentioned not even acknowledged to exist. There is nothing inherently wrong with not being conventionally attractive, but there is a lot wrong with saying that being not conventionally attractive is itself so wrong that it must be ignored. I used to be 400 pounds, and back then, there was this push toward "every body is healthy" and "there's no such thing as being fat" and it was belittling, really, as it indicated that I couldn't handle the truth because the truth was simply too awful to acknowledge. I think the HAES and "no such thing as fat" movements meant to help, but ultimately sent the message that those things are too wrong to acknowledge, and caused more harm than good. Rather than saying that ugly people and fat people and all kinds of people don't exist, rather than saying "everyone is beautiful" and "everyone is a perfectly healthy size", we should be saying that people come in all shapes and sizes and appearances, and everyone is worthy of basic dignity and respect. Don't erase people and claim it's to make people feel better.

i like to think that beauty is more of a potential, most people have and that its occurrence is a bell shaped curve, with most people being a normal amount of pretty and very few people have significantly more or less of it. I also agree that its not a good or bad thing to be at any point of the curve..

SOMEONE finally said it. Some people just win the genetic lottery for looks. Others in spmarts, humor, kindness, athleticism, etc.

Ik what u mean. I’m half Korean half white and my white dad dragged me to a bunch of white therapists bc of issues I was having w my Korean mom. They didn’t understand anything ab what I was going through or my mom and me’s culture. U gotta have someone that knows ab u and knows what the inside of ur house looks like

love this comment

I’m white, but having a black female therapist was life altering. White therapists have either avoided problems, or just stated that my problems could be solved with a positive attitude.

this comment is really inspiring!

I love this comment so much ❤

right! then it’s “the audacity” not confidence lmao like get outta here with that

Exactly

@@AlexciaWHY ^^^^^^

@Calm Blizzard rich parents? privilege in general? can’t be too many other things about a person that’d give them “substance” in a white supremacist, capitalist, colonized country lol js but I hear you doe

@Calm Blizzard I get that

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-r_G0xPVSUEI.html

it's actually very normal and expected what she did. Companies tell their HR people to try and give as low of a salary as possible so really she was just doing her job. (I dont know why she shared it as though it were something to brag about though) As a potential employee best practice is to always ask the salary range they offer for the position, or just ask way higher than you're hoping to realistically get.

Not a view I personally subscribe to: But it’s not Mercedes’ money, it’s her job to guard the company’s interests. As an applicant, you have to watch out for your own interests- why should private institutions do it for you? It’s not the best system, but this is why people need to have more candid conversations about pay. If we have a better sense of what our peers/contemporaries are paid, we should ask for that. Never lowball yourself. It’s not necessarily confidence, it’s also imperfect information.

what i don't get about this is she could have offered the candidate 100k and everybody would come out fine. like the candidate would have gotten more then they thought and the company would still pay less then they planned. she wouldn't have to go up the full budget

​@@tasto7775 interviews are often recorded, or at least the interviewer has to take notes-so if they were seen offering more than was asked by the candidate they would likely lose their own job. Not a risk most professionals would take :/

I get that myself... especially with the most recent trends for women's bodies. I can't wait for the "booty" stuff to die down a bit so i don't feel so self conscious about being flat and straight (but with a slighly chub belly and big up top). It's been harder to find clothes that suit me bc fashion has changed and i defo get that feeling not good enough. But sometimes I have a good super confident day where I feel amazing and f the beauty standards with bright makeup etc.

Yes I love that scene so much

@@cw9475 Honestly, let's just pray for people to accept all body types, from big booty to small booty

@Fiyinfunoluwa Ojerino yess 🙌 ofc! No one should be a trend. Ans pls can we all accept that natural big big boobs hang/sag? That "trend" has never come and sadly there is no effort to normalise it at all...I've been called saggy since they sprung out when I was 11 and im 25 now, much bigger. Gravity exists? Sigh...

ahhh i felt that. im pretty timid and it makes you feel like something is fundamentally wrong with you?!

THIS EXACTLYYY i blame all my insecurties and i mean all of them within societal/beauty standards it also has challenged me to the poin where i think to myself in order for me to be 'pretty i have to do certain surgeries and facial to obtain that and i hat that because i know my mindset wont change because the system just keeps getting worse and will always profit off our insecurties etc. (hope this wording was good lol)

For real ppl think confidence is acting or looking a certain way while its quite the opposite. Its accepting who u are not trying to change

That was a very good and relatable scene! Wish we got more of something like that, but her storyline was cut! 😅

One of the most relatable scenes.

Confidence can deliver

THIS!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!

i mean, you can virtually gaslight yourself into be all positive, but you become a person with stunt feelings unable to cope with your own rage, unable to differentiate between normal behavior and abuse, and becoming a doormat to other people

so true & so toxic.

@@anyegaleana gaslighting yourself to be positive about what's happening is like... become a good cult member step 1

My sister use to work at Lululemon and she was verbally abused by her coworkers her whole 2 years working there, it’s a gross environment😕

I grew up Mormon and your comment is spot on. Mormonism uses a lot of new age practices. How else could they convince people that heir religion is true? It’s true because you believe it!

this is so sweet, wish you, your bf and your pets the best!

+ i totally feel you on this one, because i'm living with insecurities and paranoia every day but my bf helps me love myself a little more and i love him sm

I'm sorry I will have to disagree a little...I've been this way first hand. It can and does have a huge chance on weighing down your partner. You become co dependent and extremely reliant on the other person to make you better all the time. This can actually be dangerous with the wrong person. My abusive ex bf loved to shove it in My face that I was bulimic and depressed. Even my super nice ex from before exploded on me about how tired he was. Life really does get better in a whole new way when you learn to love yourself without needing validation. What if you decide to have kids with him? Would you be okay with them being so passive about hating themselves? I don't want to shame you... I just really want you to consider some alternatives to filling whatever void you need filled. Try to engage in a hobby away from your SO. You are all you have in the end. You're amazing with or without him. Please know this 🙏

yes!!

I agree. I think this is because they are not confident- but selfish. Selfish people obsess over themselves, whether they hate or love themselves. I’d assume it fluctuates a lot.

@@moniica541 by your comment I guess I can confirm to myself something that I was thinking lately, I’m selfish and self-absorbed I just don’t know what to do with this information if I’m being honest, I just go through intense phases of I love myself to I hate myself( the hate phase is way longer and intense), being ugly/beauty standards is something that I think and talk to much, I try not to comment to my friends anymore cause I feel that my insecurities come from my ego not being well with the knowing that I’m not as pretty as x and I’m not the prettiest, it really comes down to a competitive edge, and how much I think about it, makes me feel like I’m bitch who only cares about herself

@@el972 honestly relate hard, i think we have to tell ourselves we aren't these thoughts, they are external messages that have been absorbed by our brains, just because we think something doesn't mean we are it or believe it, it's just easy for our brains to regurgitate these toxic competition our capitalist society throws at us specially towards women/ Afab ppl.

And?

I’ve also noticed that even in female dominated fields or things that are traditionally more female, men always have the highest position ex: cooking, women traditionally cook but unpaid, domestically while men get the Michelin stars also I see more women as school teachers while men are the principals, deans, or uni professors

Well there are reasons that vary depending on the field. How old were your teachers compared to you? 50 years ago, you'd have been hard pressed to find a woman on the benches of the amphitheater. In about twenty years? I'd wager you will see A LOT of women leading the field. Maybe even too much at one point, if we are to apply the standards of today in a fair way? In pro cooking (becoming a restauranteur): there is quite a lot of differences between household cookery and pro cookery. In one setting you're your own boss and deliver a small quantity, in the other you're facing an old order that was led by soldier-like people (there's a reason a team in michelin-starred restaurants is called a brigade). That air of discipline and authority was for a long time hostile to women while enticing to men. Regarding schools, I dunno, maybe where you live. Where I live, things are pretty on par. Nowadays, there is a slow shift towards more equality. Now an other angle I have noticed leading men to be more present in higher-up positions is social expectations regarding men. Higher positions tend to open up with experience. The very high ones are an end of career thing. Where I live, women tend to retire when they can (as they should, they've given their life to work, they deserve pension), while men are pressured to go on lest they become loosers, but also are never shown or taught the advantages of cooling it from time to time. Thus they forgo pension and hang on in. It's estimated about 50% of men that should be retired are still working in my country, leading to a boatload of issues: aging leadership disconnected from modern challenges, poor health for elderly men, career stagnation for younger people (both men and women). But those that do retire also have a soaring rate of mental health issues rooted in self-worth issues (they're of no use anymore to society, or so they think). That's been true for the last 30 years, and in the last 10 has started to apply to women in some degree as well. (full pension in my country is at age 62, so we can see those trends a bit earlier than in other countries).

Even the makeup, hair and fashion industry, the top designers, artists and stylists are often male. Go figure.

oh my god this is so true

I'm studying design and almost everyone in my degree is female and noticed the same, my professors even said that there's a lot of gender discrimination in our field regarding job opportunities lol (like historically and it's still strong nowadays, not so much thankfully but still pretty relevant)

YES!!!! And also because when women just turn up with like, a realistic and fair amount of confidence it actually backfires most of the time. Like all the things they tell us to do, as for a raise, speak up etc. are proven to be received negatively when a woman does them. Everything you said is so true, the number of delusional men I’ve dealt with is hard to even process

🙏“Dear God, please grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man.” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

There’s lots of middle ground that’s getting ignored between true confidence and a type of non-confident, over inflated ego. I think the perception of “imitating men”, is asking for what you want and knowing how to advocate for yourself. I never thought it was about being an over promising underachiever. But more, not waiting for permission or until you “feel” like you deserve it. Which for women can mean waiting to be overqualified and receive some sort of outside validation before taking the plunge. So yes, have the confidence of a mediocre white man. Also confidence isn’t freedom from consequences, if the powers that be reacted well to confident women, we wouldn’t be having this conversation and this systemic gap wouldn’t exist. Knowing how to navigate the consequences that may come is also part of confidence Imo. Confidence also looks very different than the shallow girl bossing that’s peddled to us. It can be reserved, calm and strategic instead of stereotypically masculine assertiveness. It’s also sold as a permanent state of being instead of the fleeting feeling that it is and a lifelong practice and skill, one’s that messy and non-linear but worth undertaking.

nothing but facts. Thank you for writing this

can't like this comment enough

Love the video btw!

Preach. Our global society is successful enough that we shouldn't be struggling just to eat and have a home.

Sorry, did you actually just say "food grows on its own" as long as it's native to the local area? I honestly don't think I've ever heard anything more ignorant and uninformed. Do you actually think that the amount of food the world needs will just grow on its own in the world as we know it today? I know I sound pretty harsh in this comment, but I can't even comprehend how to approach this comment with a nice tone. Have you ever talked to a farmer? Have you ever left whatever city you live in and actually paid attention to the rural areas who handle your food supply? Have you ever even tried to grow a single food producing plant? If you have tried, like maybe you've grown a little tomato plant, think about how much food (or how little food) it provided. I get it, you're tired. The modern world we live in expects strange things from us. I don't want to be a dick because I get it. But somehow you have people liking a comment that says our food just grows on its own, why do we have to work so hard to get it. Which is honestly dangerously ignorant.

Yes and not to mention I'm pretty sure there is research indicating that women who act within feminine stereotypes get promotions more often or something like that, but don't completely quote me on that because I don't remember where I saw it. At least in my personal life though I have found that to be true, and it's not always bad. I think that gentleness and patience are good for everyone to practice, man or woman. But it is really frustrating when you feel like you have to be feminine and submissive all the time to survive, even when you don't want to be or when it's not fitting to the situation you're in. But you get punished for acting "out of line" regardless.

@@m.e.881 I don’t think she is ignoring the hard work that goes into farming, she is just making the point that everyone has the right to eat. And that capitalism makes it more difficult to access food. There is no doubt in my mind that agriculture is a grueling business, and grossly under appreciated in the modern world. ​I come from a long line of farmers and fishermen on my father’s side. At the same time, you can’t deny the food farmers produce existed on earth before they cultivated it. It did “grow on its own” although in smaller quantities. No need to take offence :)