Crucial Questions to Ask That Will Align You and Your Partner's Values | Relationship Theory

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Are you and your partner on the same page when it comes to values in your relationship? Do you wonder how you can be more aligned and have a shared ‘mission’ for your life together? On this episode of Relationship Theory, Tom and Lisa Bilyeu sit down to discuss such matters and more as they explore ways you and your partner can get on the same page and have a full understanding of your relationships values and goals. They discuss how to lead by example in a relationship, the power of sharing your values with your partner, why you should write down the reasoning behind your values, and why you need to be aligned with your partner when it comes to values in the first place.
SHOW NOTES:
Leading | Lisa and Tom share how to get your partner to also lead with a growth mindset. [0:21]
Values | Lisa and Tom discuss the importance of being on the same page as your partner. [2:45]
Reasons | Lisa and Tom discuss the power of writing down your values in a relationship. [4:30]
Aligning | Lisa and Tom share how they would align their values to be on the same page. [5:48]
QUOTES:
“We’re not on the same page, but we’re committed to getting on the same page, but we’re going to be really raw, honest, and truthful about how far apart we are right now. Not lie or bullshit, what’s the actual bit of common ground?” [2:17]
“I think so many people take things for granted. They think that it’s just truth…” [3:12]
FOLLOW TOM:
Instagram: bit.ly/2s9lU90
RU-vid: bit.ly/2KWanAC
Podcast: spoti.fi/2xEloFL
FOLLOW LISA:
Instagram: bit.ly/2TIsoKh
RU-vid: bit.ly/2IAbTcH
Podcast: spoti.fi/2IEajGW0

Опубликовано:

29 окт 2020

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Комментарии : 40

@JennaParikka 3 года назад

I'd love for you to have an expert guest talk about relationships where one partner is dealing with anxiety and depression. It's so common these days and a lot of the "ordinary" rules get so twisted when there is mental illness in the picture.

@keshakellogg5995 3 года назад

YES to this! I went through years of depression which was unrecognized between my spouse and I; my behavior was labeled "lazy" and I was unreliable so he lost trust in me. I had low self-esteem and codependent tendencies already which became magnified and led to our divorce. I would love for more relationship experts to talk about identifying depression and supporting a partner through it, in addition to an honest conversation about making the choice to stay or leave the depressed partner.

@JennaParikka 3 года назад

@@keshakellogg5995 I'm in the middle of this with my partner (who's the one with diagnosed anxiety&depression) and it's so frickin hard. I've researched enough to understand that most of what's going on has little to do with me, and it's not him but the "illness speaking". I love him and want to support him, but my feeling of self worth is taking major hits and I feel like trying to maintain a (functioning) relationship is another heavy burden for him to have to try and carry. So 100% yes to having an honest conversation about making the choice to stay or leave!

@natalieb3475 3 года назад

Agreed x

@keshakellogg5995 3 года назад

@@JennaParikka Oooh, Jenna, it sounds like you're going through such a difficult time. You're right, it's not about you, but those hits are real and it can really affect you to remain so close to someone who is currently unable to be an equal adult in your relationship. It sounds like you are trying to make a decision about what to do, and that's a very personal thing for you to assess from a perspective of self-care and self-love. You are the one who knows best if it's time to put on your oxygen mask on first before saving someone else. It doesn't mean you're unloving to do so. ♥️ What are your thoughts on that?

@JennaParikka 3 года назад

@@keshakellogg5995 that is so true, I'm gonna hang onto that oxygen mask parable! 🤩 Thank you so much for the great advice! We actually broke up yesterday, and it was the healthiest breakup I've ever experienced! It was definitely for the best for both of us, and now he can focus on his well-being without having to feel bad about neglecting the relationship. And I get to take all this love and give it to someone who is ready for it. Sometimes a relationship can be really great without it having to last a lifetime 🙏💕😌

@MichelleBStone 2 года назад

Responding to Lisa's comments at the end about being on the same page as parents: My husband and I have been married 26 years and have raised many children. We have often contended about the kids, and I worried we were setting a bad example and potentially harming them. I now realize it is actually exactly how it is supposed to be. Children have two parents for a reason. They need different things from each parent, and that push and pull, while it may feel messy and even possibly contentious at times, is actually a powerful way of making them feel powerfully loved. For example, them seeing Mom's desire to nurture or protect coming up against Dad's desire to challenge or push may be hard in the moment, but it is expressing love for them from both parents in unique ways. They learn, "My mom sees me and understands and cares about my feelings," while at the same time learning, "My Dad thinks I am tough and can take it or accomplish it." There are so many more examples of this. It is often not possible for parents to be on the same page on every issue, and some things are worth engaging and even contending over. But when they each have the child's or children's wellbeing as the core value, it works out beautifully -- even with the inevitable disagreements.

@mashahellhoeflinger 3 года назад

Raising my children by example, i try to treat them the way i would want to be treated when I do something wrong. Just imagine Lisa coming up and spanking you for whatever way you did not behave in accordance with her expectations. I ask myself - how my smaller self (3) would have interpreted the message of spanking. It’s not about resentment towards us as parents. It’s about what you want them to hear on the way. My realization - i as my unaware litte self - would have told myself „i‘m false, with shame, i‘m not good enough“. That is how our parents took away our natural growth mindset. They raised us by shamng us, also through spanking. So in order to keep selflove alive in little unaware peoples souls, we need to learn to treat them in a respectful caring way. Allow them to make a lot of mistakes and be jenerous without punishment. Spanking is just the wrong messenger for what parents really truly deeply want to communicate to their children. Thank you for your content! Very caring two souls 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

@diamondgarcia9409 3 года назад

Just because you didn't take anything from being spanked doesn't mean everyone is the same. Subtle differences you don't realize could also make someone take it differently.

@Mclarex 3 года назад

Also the old cliche of 'well, it didn't do me any harm' when it plainly did do that person harm, in ways they may not be emotionally brave enough to honestly assess - they have chosen to build up a wall around what was done to them as a child, instead of looking at it from a vulnerable and truthful position.

@airflowautoparts3047 3 года назад

Wife stated to me that I'm 6 or 7 months past due to start my pattern again. I knew what she meant and I was letting her know that specific pattern I'm taking care of by breaking it. Not long ago there was tremendous progress made by me about something I read a few times and I made it marinade in my mind. I acknowledged what I had done, what I had been doing and recognized by opening my fucking eyes as to what damage was done. I know exactly what I need, must and have to change and I am doing so and I am severely determined to change for the better and completely have a much different mindset.

@realtalk675 3 года назад

Love this channel

@celiaescalante Год назад

This is awesome!!!

@Lisared023 3 года назад

As always, great insights!! And, superb at articulating the outcome and the process for reaching the outcome!

@Sisco14 3 года назад

How do I find the full episode? It seems like it’s clips of full episodes. Love the content!

@annabelaschmidt5262 8 месяцев назад

Thanks for all your inspirations. At the point of spanking 😳- are you aware that you might be taken as an example? I truely worry about your openly demonstrated positive attitude - with all the clinical research outcomes about it in my back… causing anxiety, lack of self-worth, insecure attachment and inclination towards mental illness out of that… I also feel very sad for you personally 😢 , hearing it had not harmed you…🤔 I wonder, if you have ever had the possibility to safely and honestly look at that inner wound it always creats. Of course, children to not create aversions against their misstreating parent. The mind needs to integrate that experience while still loving them - kids lifes DEPEND on them! Thats a protection mechanism. Thanks a lot for showing how a discussion about that with different view points could work. And showing how to deal with different opinions on that. There are definitely still many people believing it had not themselves, so they might now listen to their partner not thinking so and create effective alternatives, that are needed.

@ShinkaTV 3 года назад

While I support the decision of splitting RT into bite sized chunks, I think you need a "sum up" / "call to action" at the end, as your viewers value how your videos make them FEEL more than what they've learned - when this video ends on a "..." From Tom, it creates the emotional response of "this wasn't interesting" (even though it was) and makes it less likely I'll like, subscribe, watch another one etc.

@anonjohn7571 2 года назад

I disagree

@ShinkaTV 2 года назад

@@anonjohn7571 because?

@anonjohn7571 2 года назад

@@ShinkaTV Your entire premise in that comment

@ShinkaTV 2 года назад

@@anonjohn7571 I didn't ask "with", I asked "because?" (that implies a reason)

@anonjohn7571 2 года назад

@@ShinkaTV If you can't figure out the because from what I've said then you need to go back to school

@MichelleBStone 2 года назад

And as to spanking, it is too complex of topic to see in black and white terms. I have 11 living children, 4 girls and 7 boys. Several of them (including all of the girls interestingly) have never been spanked, and never will be. One daughter who melts into tears at a strong look would be utterly devastated by a spanking. There are far better means to discipline her when needed. Her older brother is a VERY different story. He was born rough, a little mean, and very physical. We had to resort to spanking (always on the behind over pants, but sometimes a swat with a wooden spoon) as a consequence when he hits, pushes, or otherwise hurts his siblings. The most important part of discipline isn't what means you employ; it is the intent and emotion in it. Any consequence done in anger (when parents are stuck in their own emotions or stories instead of being tuned into the child) will be damaging and potentially abusive. All discipline should ideally be done in a calm state of mind with the wellbeing of the child as the central focus. This is easier said than done, but is a worthy goal and is at the heart of excellent parenting. When consequences are understood, predictable, follwed-up with immense love and complete forgiveness (never holding on to resentment or emotionally punishing) children thrive and increase in love and respect for their parents.

@vivekthakur9505 Год назад

Swat with a spoon.? Try shoes on the head, a stick on the bums (especially thin and flexible ones 😂). Oh and to be honest it is the mental fear of the outcome we will face rather than the real outcome that makes us not do bad things.

@josephrostkowski8631 Год назад

Spanking out of love is necessary it takes a village! Spanking out of hate is no good. In my experience with my wife w children there comes a time where they know they can take advantage of the situation, but dad lays the law down in respect for mom and kids know the order of who runs the show!

@campnoutdoors1621 7 месяцев назад

He should have considered these matters before he married her and had children. His odds of success are poor but not impossible

@airflowautoparts3047 3 года назад

Tom I have to disagree with your statement in the beginning. Kids do not ALWAYS complicate things. To me you automatically placed "blame" on those kids or kids in general. I understand that maybe how you didn't mean to say it that way but that's how I interpreted what you said.

@a.m.7286 3 года назад

Omg no for spanking please! 🙏🏻 It traumatizes the child. And actually changes their brain wiring. I grew up with a violent parent and have diagnosed PTSD. Meditation has been instrumental in my recovery but I quit my corporate job because it was affecting my life.

@JoeOh100 3 года назад

maybe for you but not for me... cant brush with such a broad stroke.. it shoud be an individual choice

@a.m.7286 3 года назад

J OH! Hey, don’t care. My view has zero to do with you :)

@JoeOh100 3 года назад

@@a.m.7286 no offense, then why do you put it out there in the world? if it has nothign to do with anyone else? reaffirmation to yourself?

@a.m.7286 3 года назад

J OH! Read: “nothing to do with *you*” It’s perspective to their question, not yours. Dude, why are you bothered? 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Mclarex 3 года назад

Yes and the old cliche of 'well, it didn't do me any harm' when it plainly did do that person harm, in ways they may not be emotionally brave enough to honestly assess - they have chosen to build up a wall around what was done to them as a child, instead of looking at it from a vulnerable and truthful position. The ones who profess it didn't do them any harm are just the most heavily armoured and in denial.

@josephrostkowski8631 Год назад

Kids make you and your partner re learn each other why?????????