CULTURAL/GENERATIONAL Narcissists: Everything you need to know (Part 1/3) 

I am repeating myself, but idgaf: this woman deserves a bunch of prizes and nominations for her incredible works for the public.

“Just because you understand something doesn’t lift the pain” damn wish I heard that when I was depressed

my parents are immigrants and in their culture abuse is so normalized that it’s normal for teachers to physically abuse students. in their culture you must do everything that your parents say including majoring in what THEY approve of and going to church. people in their culture do not marry or become friends with people who are of a different ethnicity. the men are extremely misogynistic. despite all of this being a cultural norm it is not normal at all. it does not justify my family abusing me for the past 20 years. i’m not becoming a doctor/lawyer, getting into an arranged marriage, and being a personal slave to my male family members to make my family happy. i am my own person not an extension of my parents.

this is also used as a gaslighting technique, my father would say "oh well we were treated badly and we turned out fine" or he would call me uncultured or disconnected from my culture if I introduced a new idea around mutual respect between kids and adults or anything that threatened his authority

I saw so many men immigrating from a culture where men, from early age were treated like kings. They enter the US with such baggage of entitlement, maybe narcissism on top of it ... and, voila: they get a rude awakening trying unsuccessfuly to reclaim their "royal manly" status ... in contrary , women immigrating from the same cultural environment start to strive once in the US ... and, very often, to their own surprise, achieve much more than they ever dreamed of ... I saw marriages go down once a couple gets to US: husband cannot adjust, becomes aggressive toward wife who adjusts better and starts claiming much more rights than previously ... culture is a huge factor ...

Thank you. My parents are from India and crazy. The whole family is nuts. This helps a lot. I am not going to repeat this pattern of generational abuse with my son.

I've been ostracized for validating my kids and respecting their opinions. We were all labeled selfish, spoiled, entitled and evil for being human.

I once asked my Nigerian father-in-law what it was that attracted him to his wife when they met. He said, “Obedience,” with a great big smile. I had already been married about five years to his son and at that moment life made so much sense.

I'm Kenyan here and our community really does raise men to be narcissistic. I always felt like men expected to be pampered, have egos massaged and treated like Kings while women were ignored and devalued. Funny thing is i felt like the more mature a woman gets the more respect she'd get then she'd lord it over the younger women and basically enable the narcissistic males.

I'm so glad that you recognized the patriarchal system. WOMEN all over the world suffer countless forms of abuse as a NORM

Narcissism has been handed down from father to oldest son for at least 3 generations. My brother seems to be breaking the cycle as a very empathetic person. My brother was abused by our father, who was abused by his father, who was abused by his father, so on and so on. I feel bad that my dad went through that, but that doesn’t excuse all of the awful shit he’s done.

I've noticed this in certain cultures like Mexico, Nigeria and in South East Asia. This is mostly from hearing people talk about it, but they tend to be a lot more authoritarian and use corporal punishment frequently in their parenting styles. It's very much the "I am the adult, therefore I am god" way of doing things.

All narcissists have sob stories, even if it isn't the same sob story.

I want to insert doctor Ramani's wisdom, kindness, and lightheartedness into every human on this planet.

The old (and I mean old) caste system. Probably invented by narcissists. That has caused the difficulties in the area of human rights.

Great topic! I am from Taiwan and I believe it is a narcissistic culture especially where the mother-in-law feels entitled to treat their daughter-in-laws disrespectfully and if the daughter-in-law sets boundaries, they will be considered disrespecting mother-in-law. It is unfortunate that narcissism is considered the norm in Taiwan's culture where most people can not recognize what Narcisissists is and makes it even harder for people to have the opportunity to heal. When I was healing myself after the marriage with my ex-narc, I noticed patterns on both sides of my parents where they also had to deal with narcs in their family who hurt them as well. I decided this needs to end at my generation, I will do everything to heal myself so my future kids and grandchildren will not have to deal with this madness. The healing journey is so worth it, I am transformed into a different person, standing in my full power, may everyone who is on their healing journey focus on the light, your life will only get better from here! Looking forward to part2&3.

My family would abuse anybody vulnerable - small, disabled, and unable to speak. My disabled sister got so many beatings for no reason. They thought they had power over children, but their acts of violence are weak and cowardly. It's a reflection of how powerless they felt during that time. And I feel like it's deeply rooted in my family culture to believe abusing your power is okay, and at the end of the day, the children still owe their parents... "Think of how much I sacrificed for you..."

Whenever I told my mom if she could see the kind of emotional havoc she and my father have been wreaking on us throughout our lives and when is she ever going to take responsibility for it, my mom would make this angry and surprised face and ask me "what have we done to you? Did we hit you, did we starve you, did we leave you homeless and unclothed? How did you learn to be so ungrateful?". Emotional neglegence is so heavily normalised in the societal and cultural setting my parents hailed from that for them abuse only happens when it is physical in nature. The emotional side of it is just a figment of imagination. The elders in the family literally touted me as being emotionally unstable and excitable when I expressed my dissent on the normalisation of emotional neglect and I was doing it when I was very young, even before I was a teenager, though back then, I had absolutely no idea that I was speaking up against the narcissistic patterns in my family. I often doubted that may be I am emotionally unstable as they said and learned to keep my mouth shut to fit in. And that led to extreme stuttering during my growing up years. I realised that when I became a working adult and started being more expressive with my views and feelings, that stuttering, surely and steadily went away.

"Just because you can understand the origins of this behavior and the reasons behind it it doesn't make it any easier to deal with." Exactly. The comment about the rich people who feel entitled to treat domestic workers inhumanly hit home very hard. I was raised and used to live and subsequentially lived the majority of my life in a place where rich and upper middle class people live and I've seen this very often. Now the free-spirited person that I am who looks at everything from a humanitarian and philosophical standpoint, it felt suffocating. Luckily I've changed environment (still in the same city but no longer in a chic upper-class area) and I finally feel better. Even my depression has decreased.

"They were able to get it together at work but not to a child" Struck with me Generational narcissism is so alienating with your extended family enabling each other. I don't want to deal with their drama anymore.

Dr Ramani, could you please make a video on internalized misogyny in women? Women who are doormats to men, but HATE other women, they become overly competitive with anyone who seems better than them, in the eyes of their men? Including sisters and daughters? Thank you 🤗

I could tell you were a bit emotional making this video. I love how you equated narcissism to racism. This is what we need more of. Thanks for the education!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Excellent vid. "I was raised in a Victorian home"...said to a child born in the 1970's. No excuses for emotionally invalidating a child.

I’m a whole red flag. I realized I was raised by narcissists and have been behaving, living my life like one. It’s irresponsible and self defeating. I would have never realized this because my family doesn’t believe in therapy. Im told to be more positive and stop thinking badly which doesn’t always work. Thank you for your RU-vid channel. I see my patterns and sickened by the pain I caused. I need to do better

This definitely describes my husband of 35 years. He is a first generation immigrant and grew up very poor. He uses this to explain his behaviour but does not see that the way he treats people is wrong. I am looking forward to learning more about coping with this type of narcissism

My longtime ex-girlfriend was narcissistic and I learned that it stemmed from her parents who raised in her in the yugoslav wars. But understanding didn't solve anything.

My dad grew up black in Apartheid SA where plenty of his family suffered (and died) at the hands of state violence. He definitely developed narcissism to cope with a government that told him that he wasn’t a full human being. Thank you for acknowledging this! I’ve always wondered if the field of psychology has ever compensated for cultural or generational factors when it comes to narcissism. My dad ended up being highly emotionally abusive to me, but I know that it’s an extension of his own trauma/survival mindset.

I lived in Guatemala for 7 years but I'm an American. Guatemala is one of the strictest hierarchical and patriarchal societies in the world. What you are saying is completely accurate to my experience there. Before that I spent 2 years in South Korea which is another one of the strictest hierarchical and patriarchal societies in the world. It's purely coincidence that I lived in both in the same decade. What I lived confirms what you are saying.

Words can't express the gratitude I feel. At 75 finally understanding it's all about them. Impersonal invalidation, wasted efforts, and no way out. Thanks for teaching us to greyrock and disengage.

I live in Israel and I see what you are talking about all the time.

It would be so interesting to look at narcissism in collectivist vs. individualistic cultures. My grandma was ethnically pied-noir (European from colonial Algeria). She and her family suffered a lot during the terrorist attacks in the 60s, and of course so did everyone else. My family fled to mainland France to escape the fighting and developed a super-collectivist mentality where the only thing that mattered was our family’s survival. That’s what I grew up in, and the “good of the family” was always used by my narc grandmother, mother, and aunt to silence me. I found my family’s ethnic minority, collectivist culture to be pretty different from the overarching French individualism. I wonder if one or the other is more prone to producing narcissists, and if they present differently in collectivist vs. individualistic cultures.

I hope everybody is doing their best to stay positive and staying safe in these times. Much love from Los Angeles ❤ N O C O N T A C T ! Don't fold under pressure.

My understanding of this "cultural" aspect gave me much needed "emotional distance" , meaning I was able to detach and observe these behaviors without personal emotional involvement. Thanks again.

I was raised in post-Soviet USSR environment. My parents and grandparents were Soviet and that brainwashed them. I woke up at the age of 25 that I don’t just live with one malignant Narissist, I have been living in a generational narcissism. It’s devastating and I have been robbed deeply. I understand that we are all trauma survivors and I’m the only one who understands it.

Great series. History and sociology fit right in with narcissism. I believe although the empath or codependent should acknowledges this correlation, it is important to realize we all have choices. The narcissist had a choice to withhold empathy and substitute it for their negative behaviors. If an outsider examined my childhood, I was an ideal candidate to become a narcissist. However, I chose to hold on to my humanity, heal and love anyway. Great video!!!

Dr. Ramani, you are such a gift to me during my inner child healing process. This generational trauma was rampant amongst my giant Midwestern Mexican American migrant family. I had no idea what a boundary was until therapy & rehabs in my mid thirties. My grandpa was the second coming of Jesus to all his kids (12 surviving, my mom was 4th eldest). He was racist, misogynistic, homophobic and an incestuous predator. I got as far away as I could but the realization of my extensive trauma didn't become clear until I became a mother. Just after my mom died in 2008, I called out one of my abusers. My entire family thought I had lost my mind. I cut off all but 2 relatives, it's been 14 years. I was the classic lonely child and relentlessly bullied by my brother and ignored and verbally abused by my mom. Thankfully I'm a fierce advocate for my kids as an amends to my little precious Ange. I still struggle but I'm still here with a fight and light in me.

Filial piety is commonly used as a guise for generational narcissism in Chinese culture

Excellent and much needed topic. My parents grew up during the Depression and they were very much suck it up buttercup. My mom would discourage me from crying when I was upset, however, I never listened to her bc it felt good. I listened to my body instead. Same with dad, stop crying or I'll really give you something to cry about. They both grew up in very toxic environments as well. I'm the caboose child in a large combined family. In a nutshell, I was objectified, invalidated, and scapegoated by my parents and the two sibs closest to me in age. I was also my mom's emotional support starting from a very young age. I was able to move away in my early 20's fueled by determination and spite. I stayed close to my parents but loved my sibs from afar. I was in denial about my family and parents dysfunction until about my early 30's. After reading an article in Psychology Today about dysfunctional families and uncaring parents, my issues started making sense and it was painful. Now I'm nearly 60 and I'm ready to deal and heal.

DOCTOR RAMANI!!!!!! You keep just adding to my understanding. The world needs to hear you. Can you therapy the world? lollllll everyone needs you

My maternal great-grandparents immigrated to the U.S. from northern Germany just prior to the first World War. They encountered plenty of Jingoism, xenophobia, and economic hardship. They and my grandparents, along with my parents struggled through the Great Depression. So, in three generations, there was a lot of severe difficulty. My great-grandparents were even-tempered, gentle souls, but my maternal grandfather was a very stern man. This anomaly was probably enhanced by trying to make do during the Dust Bowl drought in South Dakota. This, in turn made my mom's formative years very harsh and traumatic. I always gave her a lot of leeway because of that. My siblings and I had plenty of cultural issues to sort out and eventually let go of. So yes, cultural/generational narcissism is a real bugaboo.

This is such a relevant episode to me. I come from Africa and my parents come from a history of such tough aridity and communal conflicts and all my uncles and aunts and their parents are such narcissists that it is difficult for us to communicate our abuse to anyone because they say that their childhoods were way tougher and we just got to adjust. I really am working hard to break the cycle and educate those who are willing to break out. Thanks Dr.Ramani!!

This was very helpful for me. My uncle is fond of saying that I drew a very short straw with grandparents, especially grandmothers. Neither grandmother was interested in my brother and me, and felt that mom and dad had done their duty by having a couple of kids. End of story. They raised my parents in the same harsh way they themselves were raised -- be seen, not heard, and contribute to the family, so mom and dad didn't have positive and warm role models when it came to raising kids. Just feed and clothe them and keep them alive. As a result, I've never felt that I'm particularly deserving of love. My maternal grandfather adored us, but he died when I was 4 and my brother 6. :-(

I am part of the South Asian community and I have observed some relatives where narcissism has been passed onto all the male members.

I asked my Husband many years ago if his parents ever told him that they loved him or hugged him and he said half humorously and really more seriously said, “No, are you kidding? They didn’t wanna make saps out of us!” God bless him, really. It’s just the world-view that was ingrained in him and he stands by it! Not judging his culpability here, nor am I criticizing; just noticing that maybe this relates to your content here

Indeed, cultural rigidity, strictness and stoicism are not always narcissistic. I believe and from my own experience that it starts being narcissism when it's actually evil, plain evil. It's all about intentions, I grew up in a very traditional society with histories of colonialism and bloody wars, and I have always observed the many patterns of parenting around me, my parents, my grandparents, my friends' parents my cousins's parents. And I noticed that there is indeed that stoicism and lack of understanding of emotions that was pretty common among most people I know, and that was more of a protective measure than a harmful one, BUT it actually does sometimes go beyond those limits in some cases. In my case, (my childhood) it was not about "innocent" "doing what they could" or "high expectations" patterns that were tolerable, it was about a pathological sadism and gratuitous abuse and evil which you can never understand except as vile and disgusting (nauseating) ego-satisfying unnecessary abuse. It starts being narcissism when the intention is rotten, when it's about their ego and never about your well-being, when it's destructive, inconsiderate, and egocentric. And it's not always cultural but it actually gets permitted by culture.

Thank you DoctorRamani. That is the first time I hear somebody describe the ORIGIN of narcissism. I have felt for a long time that it is pretty useless to accuse the "narcissists" and maintain that they act the way they do out of their own will. We habe been living in war societies for many thousand years, where the exaction of violence is/was the best means of surviving. In these societies warriors have been glorified and worshipped and were made leaders, friendly and trustful people on the other hand where looked down upon and made servants. The only way to overcome this will be that the critical mass of people get to a point where they find that cooperative societies are the better solution for the future. The corona virus may teach us exactly that :)

Okay Dr Ramani 👍🏿, tackling the generational traumas of colonialism and oppression in the family unit. Looking forward to hearing more. ✊🏿

I'm from Eastern Europe and I feel like all of my Eastern European friends have narcissistic parents, including me. Here people are surprised if you have compassionate and respectful parents.

I got affected on so many levels. One of them was that because I was a woman I wasn't supported or encouraged to be able to earn money or an efficient amount of it. I was really severely abused this way by my family for my whole life. I wasn't "allowed" to have nice things. It was a brainwashing that started that really affected me. Messages covertly were given. Any job I had or career was ridiculed but yet how dare I ask them for help.

I see a lot of this in my own culture (I am African-American and Jamaican). It has always troubled me and I was bullied mercilessly because I do not fall into that the right.... line. I am autistic, so I am naturally more meek, which often made me look weak to other Black people. It always made me very sad as to why so many people within my community are offended that I am not more like them. It doesn't make me any less Black and it doesn't mean that I am ashamed to be Black. It's just not in my character to be like that.

Finally someone is talking about cultural narcissism. Thank you, Doctor Ramani.

My father pressured me not to take a high paying job in order to stay with the family and take care of my mother. He then left me alone with her and began to berate me for not making as much money as him.

OMG ! You described the Middle East cultures and communities perfectly! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani

What helps me forget and let the pain out from those who abused me is another and very important realization, besides just understanding that parents/abusive partners did what they learned growing up in an abusive environment themselves. This other realization is about me - today I have the needed power, I have the needed freedom, I have a choice to either let someone abuse me or not. Understanding that as an adult - it's 100% up to me to decide whether I let someone else to mistreat me or not. Knowing that I have a personal freedom and power to choose whether I let someone else to manipulate me or not is so liberating! I can create my own boundaries and no-one can stop me from it! This realization is the most healing thing for my mind or anyone. Just remember, noone can manipulate us unless WE let them. And, if by mistake we end up in a toxic relationship, have the power to end it.

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. A great lesson that opens the door for more freedom. I was told by an 85-year-old woman after my divorce from a narc, even gangrene hurts when it's cut off.

Wow. Thanks. This pandemic is giving me insight into my great grandmother, who survived the 1918 pandemic. I also recently learned that she grew up in dire poverty in a family that was hiding being Jewish. She terrified me. Now I understand. ♥️

This applies so well to my culture as well. And it breaks my heart that certain things are seen as "the way things are" and that certain harmful things are "normal." I'm just plain so damn freaking luckier than lucky that my parents are not that way. And I personally know other people who are not that way. Even in the most myogenetic and dysfunctional societies, you can definitely find people who do not subscribe to harmful ways of thinking, regardless of educational background, age, gender, etc. People who come from these types of backgrounds, I hope you can find some type of comfort in knowing that you will come across people who break your negative perceptions and it's the best feeling ever. Please try not to settle for less no matter how tempting some type of temporary security is.

This reminds me most of African cultures as well.

They (the narcissist) even turn our friends & neighbors and even managers against us through smear campains ,slander , character assassaination and maybe even with money . I think my father had an awful childhood growing up and that's how he turned so cold & demented and so entitled .

This has actually been a question I've been asking myself for so long! "how do I retain my sense of grace and compassion while simultaneously setting boundaries regardless of what my parents and grandparents backstories were?" The balancing act of compassion for others and attending to your own rightful anger and hurt is so real. Thanks again Dr. Ramani looking forward to watching more of this series! ❤

She's going for the cultures of the Indian subcontinent and I LOVE IT

I come from a Filipinx family, and this is a word I need to describe how my family and friends excuse their narcissist and abusive behavior, because they had it "bad". And that I don't have any say on putting on standards and expectations on them because I was lucky to live the life they never had, as the first generation kid. It never excuses the abuse

Thank you Dr.Ramani.! My sister has worked as a genealogist for years and we have just started digging into narcissism after my last traumatic breakup I had (discard)..we have been digging into this as we are of Ukrainian/Eastern European descent. This is sad but fascinating...we reconnected with some of our cousins that live in NYC and ALL of them..ALL... have been in physically narcissistic relationships(one is still in one with three children and horrible abuse) (OMG...put your nose to the grindstone was something our father used to say this)....he only softened when he was diagnosed with leukemia..I am crying as God put this here for me doctor..48 years of dating men to get acceptance from my father...that I never got and he passed away. Time to break the cycle...(at almost 50) I am going to Melanie's Summit this week..look forward to seeing you there(I was so excited to see you in the lineup). Hugs and Love sweet lady..you are a true blessing

I TOTALLY experience this. I’m African American. My parents lived through racism and, of course, the 1960s. Obviously, racism is still with us, but here’s the issue. When I look at my mother, who is a covert, malignant narcissist, when it comes to the events of her life, it’s as if she has decided it is a benchmark, where the purpose is actually to continue within a stasis. It’s not that I feel she doesn’t want things to improve. It’s that her mistrust of it doing so is so prevalent, that it almost works to perpetuate things in an encapsulated way to the point where, despite the fact that Obama became president, she cannot recognize it as a stride. It doesn’t mean that, at this point in time, in the stink of what 2020 is becoming, that racism doesn’t stopped and needs to be fought and conquered. This is so, likely more so, than in the 1960s. But, I can see that there’s no recognition of any strides that have been made. I’ve even said to her that, if she woke one day and found there was no racism in the world, she’d be sure it was trickery and wouldn’t know what to do with it. There have been a few twists on this as, I believe many from her generation and older, may have felt that President Obama was supposed to strictly be the President of Civil Rights, instead of the President of the USA. It’s been sadly interesting because, for me, due to her life’s experience and due to the narcissistic bent of competition, there simply isn’t anything horrible enough since the 1960s that can happen to me, that she considers to be bad. She immediately invalidates it. Doesn’t matter if it was the 8 years it actually took for me to climb out of the damage of the recession and, other than the personal threat she may be starting to feel now, with this pandemic and riots going on, due to multiple circumstances, she likely just cannot have it, that it’s worse than the 1960s, in many ways and that it may even become far, far worse. For her, as she owns a business that has to do with the coverage of slavery, because I wasn’t willing to undermine or entirely ditch my livelihood, in exchange for the pay of Worthiness in Her Eyes, she is so steadfast and myopic, whether personally or professionally, that she discarded me for my sister as, my sister is financially desperate, willfully doesn’t understand the entirety of the situation and is, now, happily making out like a bandit, because she feels mom should be in charge of her life so, she is obediently doing whatever she is told. Professionally and personally, she is now the daughter of choice as, she will act as both an extension of my mother’s life and of the struggles of the 1960s, while having little to no independence and growth of her own, under my mother’s iron fist. For my mother, although she’d never admit to it and although she has tried to loosen the screws under my livelihood, as far as she’s concerned, me having my livelihood as priority over her and the family business, means I’m on a total joyride.

Wow ive always had this awareness myself but to hear it articulated by you in this way really amazes me!! Narcissm really permeates and is perpetuated through/by our societal structures.

We cannot change THEM BUT we can CHOOSE NOT to carry those generational patterns forward. I'm working on this within the AfAm family system as well. GIRL!!! Thank you for bringing up the power systems in our society. Being AfAm you described our total history in America and the trauma we have to work through is always ignored or belittled. Narccistic Colonialism still exists in this power structure and has affected our own culturally toxic behaviors within the family system.

In Germany, we have big discourse on the "children of war", who grew up after WWII and it fits very well. To me, it was valuable reading the books and articles about it to better understand the origin of my parents and see that they really tried to be as loving as possible. In some way, it is redemption especially for my dad (my mom is 10 years younger and emotionally healthy). And it helps to say: I empathize with him and still recognize my own pain. And its okay, when both feelings exist at the same time. And although the narcissism bubble often emphasises that you don't have to forgive narcissists- to me it feels like the right path to seek an understanding that allows me to forgive and put certain behaviours in a broader context. World War II shaped my family, our culture and me and I draw responsibility from it to heal these generational wounds the best I can because I don't want my children to have them.

Dr. Ramani, I have been watching your videos regularly. Although I have learned a great deal from you, I have often felt that the cultural component was missing in your analyses. But you nailed it with this one! I grew up in a European country that lived under a fascist dictatorship for nearly fifty years. This stunted not just the country’s economical and cultural development but also the emotional life of many, way too many people, including my own grandparents and parents, who were brought up in extremely harsh conditions of war, poverty and affective starvation. Well into my adult life I moved to Asia and have lived mostly in China and Japan, two countries that have had long tyrannical, totalitarian histories which are compounded by pervasive feudalistic and patriarchal social systems, gender discrimination, racism and many other rigid cultural factors that are still operative today, making them highly authoritarian societies. The pervasive narcissism among certain generations is mind-boggling and extremely difficult to deal with, as many of these individuals are now in top positions in corporations, academia, etc. What shocks me in particular, as a woman, is the pervasive narcissism among women in their 60s, 70s and 80s. Many embraced feminism with passion and, above all, rage and vindictiveness - and they seem to find no contradiction between their rhetoric and the competitive meanness, cruelty even, with which they treat other women... And, as you suggest in the video, these traumas are passed unconsciously from generation to generation, so it's really up to us, younger generations, to become aware and extricate ourselves from these toxic intergenerational patterns. Especially at this historical moment, when authoritarianism is raising it's ugly ahead again around the world...

I'm a retired teacher. The "school structure and culture" gives principals too much power over teachers. I saw many instances of abuse of this power over the years, by both male and female principals. For a year, I was sexually harassed by a male principal. I couldn't just quit, because I signed a contract for that school year - so I just had to put up with it.

My family came from a clan of warriors many generations ago and they didn't intermarry outside the group. You have to be pretty fierce to ruthlessly kill people and the qualities that allow you to maim and kill for land aren't the same qualities that make for kind and loving people. It's why I chose not to have children. I will not pass on that cruelty.

If anyone wants to see an example of this form of narcissism in action (to clear up any confusion or otherwise), the Netflix miniseries "Unorthodox" may help.

I am battling with this. Even on my upcoming podcast I stand up for my grandmother when she has caused so much damage to me. It's so hard to go through the world as an abused child and when you become an adult, it gets tougher.

This runs rampant in African cultures, especially in the Nigerian culture

WOW! Part 1 was fascinating - and it's going to get better?!? For all you Military Brats out there (a closed culture nested within a culture) - if you haven't already, please consider reading Mary Edward Wertsch's "Military Brats: Legacies of Childhood Inside the Fortress". It speaks to our experience, especially those of us who are Cold War era (1960s) Brats. I was forever changed by that book and still refer to it from time to time. Basically, I spent the first 13 years of my life in boot-camp as the oldest child and only daughter of a career military officer. Rigid Ranking Roles!

I notice this is something that happens in the Nigerian family because of the culture. In my case, my mother is the narcissist in my family. When I look back at her mother, she was the same way. Some people say you should look at a woman’s mother to see what she’ll be like when she’s older. I remember my Dad used to say that.

Omg I am loving this video! My family is from the Philippines and I swear the culture has narcissism baked in

Amazing as always. I suggest a discussion on the narcissist based on illness. My mother was always entitled and enjoyed illness even when she has very minor cold she would be dying and had to run to the emergency room. She did that to be the sickest and to get admiration and attention.

Cultural/generational narcissism... I did not see it in the beginning with a partner I was with, but see the cultural narcissism so clearly now. And the patriarchy -- such a generational pattern that is harmful to both genders. Yes... "The awareness means you can notice red flags, and walk away from invalidating relationships."

I’m slowly understanding why my father (Mexico born and raised) is very interrupting in conversations, doesn’t like his authority questioned or methods of operation questioned. Even if I’m right in a situation or conversation he would disregard it or down play it. But I see my grandfather in him. They’re both almost the same in that they can say anything they want even if it’s rude but if anyone says anything against it, they both get upset or angry. But your videos help me understand more and more about these things as I’m trying to break away from all that now that I have two daughters of my own

This helps me so much understand my upbringing with an immigrant parent who was a covert narcissist

I wouldn't say my parents went through big traumas, but they certainly adapted and their education in their country and in those times was definitely very different from mine. I've always thought it explained all of their toxic behaviour. It makes me sad because I feel like they also miss so much by not understanding themselves nor the other side. I don't call them narcissists, but I say "they tend towards narcissism" (especially my mom, though my dad is racist/sexist/other -ists too and makes sure I know it) and it's exactly like you described in your video. I can't wait for parts 2 and 3. Thank you. :)

This is so interesting! The ones who hold power dont turn around help the vulnerable and thus the ones in power cultivate narcissism in themselves and those who are oppressed. Eye opening.

This video was very helpful and I am so glad you are addressing the cultural aspect of Narcissism. My parents are both Narcs and I have always wondered why/how they turned out this way. I knew both sets of my grandparents; they were very kind BUT very stoic. Norwegian/Swedes..very religious....we were always taught that needing therapy was NOT for us b/c "we were tough Scandinavians". Therapy was only for "weak" people. We were taught to NEVER talk about feelings/emotions. If you had a problem it was best not to talk about it...EVER. We had to be perfect. Perfect home, perfect family....always was told, "what will people THINK'. Even though there was a ton of dysfunction: alcoholism, mental illness, passive-aggressive treatment, physical and emotional abuse, etc. I had to walk away from all of them. They will never change. My apologies for rambling. I am so grateful for you and now I can FINALLY see maybe why my parents are such horrible Narcs.

Excellent topic. It can create the 'crybully' mentality-our ancestors were mistreated by yours, so now we have the right to mistreat you. Plus there are subcultures rife with narcissism such as the ghetto and the trailer court where it's the norm. It also seems to be supported by certain sociopolitical movements that generate narcissism in large groups.

Narcissism is a natural and rational outcome when someone at the top of a hierarchy internalizes and personalizes that position.

My best friend growing up was from a very religious family. Her mother would pick out her clothes for high school and when she fell in love with a man outside her religion her father chased her with a knife. Sadly she never learned from the suffering she endured and still uses her religion to put guilt trips on and manipulate her own growing children. Their home is immaculate and they present as the Von Trapp family from the Sound of Music but underneath the facade is a lot of pain and suffering.

I actually notice that generational narcissism in my generation. I was born in the 80’s and my parents was born in the 50’s and Grandparents was born in 20s’. In my grandparents time China and Japan was in a very difficult situation, I mean we were in a war, lack of food, every family have more than 1 kids, not a lot of people get education. so people can survive is already not easy. And that’s where the narcissism comes in. Parents thinks kids has to obey them, if kids don’t, they will get beat up by their parents. Seriously. Physical abuse even today still exist in China and Japan. I just saw one in public during the national holiday. I was really angry and sad. The little girl is just 2-3years old….. and she just didn’t hold the soft drinks cup tight that it fells on her pants. So she cried so loud in the restaurant. Then her mom was lecturing her loudly and slap her on her face that we can hear it far away! No one says a thing! Including me….. but I do know how it affects children, so I’m gonna make a video to advocate people to say No to physical abuse to children. And generational narcissism is in our society, I mean look at our politicians in China and Japan. China have so many narcissistic politicians that you can’t count, while Japan openly discriminated women and their right. It’s just make me so angry! So I’m gonna use my influence, although not much yet, to let people be more aware of these things which I learned from you and myself in my country. People need to understand the harm about it.

The one who's dislike you was narcissistic 😂

This is so true. Once I've read that my generation (I'm almost 40) is still dealing with the traumas of our grandmothers, because of experiencing the second world war. They passed their traumas over to their daughters and they passed them over to my generation. I guess it's the same for our grandfathers and fathers... Both my parents had traumatic childhoods, so did all my grandparents. 4 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD. My mother is described as borderline, but I suspect she is narcistic too... My father is an alcoholic. Abuse runs in our family from generation to generation. There was a lot of emotional abuse when I grew up. I a determined to stop this abuse in my generation, but unfortunately due tot my traumas my daughters are affected by my traumas. But there is so much difference between me and the generations before me and that is there is so much help available and I accept this help. I am looking for answers, instead of acting like there is nothing wrong. Thank you dr. Ramani, for acknowledging the specific problem I'm going through. It means I'm on the right path to protect myself and my daughters for the heavy load that rests on my shoulders, all the traumas of generations before me.

This is an incredibly powerful and educational video that is very niche. You’re one of the very few who has created this specific content. I thank you for that ❤

Dr. Ramani. Thank you for this topic. Now I understand why my parents are the way they are. My parents were Italian immigrants to the USA who experienced WW2 which was an unpleasant experience for both. My father was an Italian born Australian American and my mum was born in Italy and now an American citizen. Since my father died 5 years ago , I have always starting to explore how my parents have impacted my life.., I learned the reason why he treated us . My father grew up very poor in WW2 Italy. His father was an alcoholic and gambled so I was told. I never met my grandparents and I am not missing a thing. My father and a brother left Italy for Australia after WW2 ended for work. Australia at the time had immigration schemes for Europeans to migrate there. Australia needed people to move there and work.. My father had to send money back home to his family. His sisters use the money so they can dress to the nines and get a husband which infuriating me. Then father left Australia for the USA to meet a brother there because he couldn't take the Austrailan tropical and built a new life. Fast forward years later father went back to Italy on holiday and met and married my mum. He brought my mum and me the bun in the oven to the USA. My mum had it hard with her in laws and with dad. She was a stranger in a new country. She knew no one. Her parents resented her leaving Italy and married father because she was the only daughter and expected to be caregiver to the parents. My father was very controlling about money, who we can see or what we can do. He always said to me and brother what you do is a reflection on me and our family. We cannot shame our families in Italy and Australia. He always used the I came to this country and I sacrificed everything and you owe me bull shite. He never appreciated education. He felt very inferior because I have two college degrees. He wanted me to marry and churn out grandchildren for him. I thank God I never marry and had kids. He was never happy about my career choices or when I went to college. When I got a promotion last year, my mum said yeah so what you want me to do dance on top of my bed but she fawns on brother who never visits and take cares of her. I have met some of my other relatives and thanks to this video, I do understand why my parents the way they are and how it has impacted my life to this very day. To this very day my father affected me not in a good way even though he has been gone. My mum who is not in good health now have resentment and bitterness on how dad , his family and her own family treated her. Sadly she is a million naire and scared to spend $$ Sad to say. being a first generation was a huge burden for me.

This sounds oh so familiar. My husband was raised in a different culture and when I bring up his behaviors that upset me he uses that divide to insinuate I’m not capable of understanding the difference in our culture. Some days he truly does try to break the cycle, but now I’m not sure if he’s baiting me or what. There has been change, but it’s so slow it’s hardly worth it. These are my lifeline as I navigate this journey. Unraveling this tangled web is truly exhausting.

Her subscriber count gives me SO MUCH HOPE! It means we are headed into a huge shift. I've been fighting evil since I was a little girl, so this is SUPER EXCITING!

I’m so glad you made this triology, Doc! You gave a bigger picture and deeper understanding of the narcissistic abuse that I and many others in my culture suffer from. It’s not just about this narcissistic individual or these narcissistic people anymore. It’s a whole culture that enables and perpetuates narcissistic abuse and gaslighting.

God this hits hard! some of us with toxic families… ouch 🥺we are already shamed for walking away from the Narc-family member or spouse…(Latina here)please share one on government & government employees as Narc bullying & sexism is a huge issue

Thank you for talking about this! It's something I've noticed about my family for a long time but couldn't articulate. My father came from a highly patriarchal country where narcissism, particularly in men, is just accepted as normal. His own father was the worst kind of malignant narcissist, and even though I know he's tried very hard to not be like that he still exhibits a lot of narcissistic behaviors that have made my and my siblings' relationships with him very difficult. I see the same dynamic played out across my extended family. When the narcissism is so ingrained in the family and the culture, it can seem really hopeless that things will ever change.

I saw this with my ex. He talked so "vulnerably" about how he thought his father had cheated on his mother and come to find out, he was off cheating on me for over half of our relationship (although I believe it was likely the whole time). He was really like two different people. The "wholesome, old fashioned, respectable" one and then the "selfish, out for himself, didn't care who he hurt, user". His family protected him too. Acted like he was too good for anyone and as soon as he started bringing other girls home, suddenly, I was kicked out of their "inner circle" only I didn't know why at the time.

I don’t think I could have understood myself or my family if I hadn’t found this channel. Thank you for all you do ❤️

Oh, this video was soooo needed! THANK YOU! Although I would DEFINITELY call this narcissism. Also, I know it's very popular to see traditional women's role as a role in which there's a space to be emotional, but I don't think that's true. Women's emotions are traditionally seen as madness, hysteria... Emotions in men are seen as a sign of "not being a real man", emotions in women are seen as sign that they are indeed mentally weak by nature. Also, crying and sadness are something a woman can do, but only if it's not really an honest emotion and if it's a part of the game. Otherwise, it's gonna be held against her. Truth is: in these societies no one is supposed to express their honest opinions and emotions.

You always have the best content. I've decided the whole world is loony and I'm staying single.🤷‍♂️