D*mn, You're Ugly: A Witcher Armor Tier List 

YES!! Please! Because it is undeniably the most wonderfully under-sexualized armor out there, but it is also so... wrong!

Yes, please! The evaluations are wonderful! I'm especially interested in the "armor back rather breastplate" theory. As many said, she's a warrior queen! Why isn't her armor better/ best!

Immediately, my first thought was “she’s gonna get stabbed in the arm pit”… so with that what you will!! 😊😊

I think what you're sensing on the queen's armor is that the breastplate articulation is fake. the lines for the separate panels appear to be molded into the armor, not actual separate segments.

can we also get a short "removes the helmet -> gets shot in the eye" commentary?)

Maybe they don't know what "rag tag" means.

I mean yeah it even LOOKS like plastic

I also don't get how they managed to fail at ragtag. Seriously. You want "ragtag but alien" - just look at Lord of the Rings. The moria orcs in the first film fit that description perfectly.

And thus, the ballsack brigade came to be.

nothing says 'ragtag thrown together look' like 'sir, I don't even know what this is supposed to be made of in-universe, or how they're supposed to have made them'

more specifically, if you want ragtag, your troops should NOT look like each other, but SHOULD look like SOMETHING that SOMEBODY else might be wearing.

Or go to any medieval-based LARP or battlegame such as Dagorhir, Darkon, or Belegarth. There is ragtag as far as they eye can see.

But no, apparently their costume designer thought “ragtag” meant “extremely unique and elaborate!” 😂

"Rag-tag" is such a weird design philosophy to even state (they clearly didn't actually follow it) for Nilfgaard. The Nilfgaardian Empire is essentially fascist, and the designs of their army should reflect that. I.e. All of their soldiers in the same mass produced armour. I'm also pretty sure that the design brief for Season 1 was "do not make anything look like it does in the games" because the license was for adapting the books, not the games. This got relaxed in Season 2 after they made some cross-promotional deals with CD Projekt, which is why the Season 2 Nilfgaard armour looks MUCH closer to the design in the games, as well as additional little easter eggs like the wolf medallion from the games being one of the ones hanging on the tree in Kaer Morhen.

I have to agree entirely. Ragtag implies lack of uniformity, not dressing everyone in identical black vein-covered xenomorph stormtrooper gear. The vine/vein-like details make them look creepy and weird, not haphazard.

They also look pretty phallic, with how the waves look like veins and the helmets look like...well I don't really have to say it now do I?

@@theheavenlyfb4071 It reminded me of the DBZ abridged joke when Bulma washes Vegata's armour!

The armor worn in the Turkish show "Destan" looks more like something the Nilfgaardians would wear.

I assumed it was because it looks really dirty.

It also doesn't look like metal, weirdly enough. It looks like bronze paint airbrushed on plastic. It's also staired down on the chest piece despite being just one piece. People did that because they had multiple pieces, not because it "looked cool" so it comes off as a 3D printed Halloween costume rather than armor.

For me it looks like the torso is supposed to look segmented but it realistically looks like one piece with fake segment folds.

Lack of proper weight distribution? Like, it flares out at the very bottom, but that's below the hips, and above that is a metal rectangle with all of the weight hanging off the shoulders.

any self respecting cheese enthusiast plays the witcher 3

@@Voondubah Indeed, given the "Of Dairy and Darkness" quest.

@@k.jespersen6145 Trial of the cheeses? Wonder what Vesemir would say about this?

@@Voondubah witcher 3 actually had a side quest involving cheese

@@Voondubah XD Probably he'd bring up Geralt's hunt for the zeugl in the Tretogorian trash heap, again.

Honestly, when they want Geralt to have abs and pecs, they just say "Henry, take your shirt off." I don't know why they bothered with this.

On one hand yes, on the other hand it felt to me like it was the first thing he found. He doesn't really care how it looks at all, so fake muscles works if it protects him. Still defo could have gotten that across without the muscles tho.

Yeah, most of the time in the books he didn't wear any armour at all.

@@Lurklen Yeah, he just wears a jerkin and Hope's he's within riding distance of Nenneke

I hated that armor and laughed at it for exactly that reason. That's the kind of crap Geralt should have been complaining about as he was forced into it. Geralt would have been utterly unwilling to wear something like that in the game and I'm sad they forced Cavill into it without giving Geralt a throwaway line about looking like an idiot out of one of Jaskier's heroic ballads.

“I lived after getting hit there so obviously that doesn’t need armor”

Yes! You probably know this, but this is how militaries decide how to armor airplanes. They look at where the bullet holes are on the planes that return. If a particular spot never has bullet holes, it means hits to that spot are probably fatal (ie, planes that get hit there don't return)

The breastplate also looks kinda like it was vacuformed rather than beaten out of a piece of steel. The soft edges of the not segmentation especially. I'm not sold on the serrated bottom edge of the breast plate either. A bolted on strip of detailed leather or cloth or even lace would have worked better I think. As it is it makes me think of poorly trimmed flashing from the vacuforming process.

Also, those puldronds, totally far wider than required and didn't cover enough of her upper arms

@@chrthiel This was my thought as well. It looks like she bought the Khol's brand armor instead of having an armorer make their warrior queen look large and intimidating. It doesn't look like it was made for her.

I think that the sleeves are meant to be gambeson, though the costume department likely didn't make them to an armor standard. That might be the issue with the sleeves. As to fit, it's possible that it's meant to fit a little wrong... She is a warrior in a fantasy setting where women aren't warriors. It's likely, even as queen, she had "men's" armor altered to fit her better instead of made custom. Perhaps her husband's old armor, or the first set she borrowed while learning to fight. But I don't think any of that is supported by text

I agree and think that part of it is because the most of the breastplate doesn't look like it was made of steel. It looks weaker than that to me.

THIS!!

I'm glad I'm not the only one to have realized this. Like each and every single ridge would have to be especially made and on top of that you want to mass produce them for troops on the battlefield!? There's no way that's gonna happen. Either you run out of money trying or take like a couple decades just building up a supply to use for a single army.

YES! Thank you!

Yeh. If they wanted a cheap, rag-tag look, they should have gone for a wide selection of textile armour. Like, you could absolutely take a load of different-looking gambesons, dye them black and attach a patch with the Nilfgaardian sun symbol somewhere and you would have the general concept.

RIGHT?! Not to mention it would have taken MORE leather to create such a look than just MAKING NORMAL ARMOR. If they're supposed to be ragtag conscripts they should be scrimping leather strip armor, similar to the metal strip armor that was used to conquer Britain and Ireland. That sort of armor is easily repaired, and easy to put together. Make it out of black leather and it's EVEN CHEAPER.

Hah! I didn't think anyone else would think that!

@@AndrewD8Red Clearly, Sir. You have taste!

My favourite Eddie Izzard bit is, of course, “Welcome to the Church of England, CAKE OR DEATH?” but this reference fit better 😁

@@JillBearup "A little wine with that, you Nazi shit-head?!" It's always good to meet fellow Eddie fans :D

Maybe a tad inaccurate for a sword channel, but the quote "guns don't kill people, people kill people, and so do monkeys, if they have a gun" could be easily adapted to swords.

Except horseback riding = mandatory heel. It can be a small heel, but mandatory nonetheless.

@@kimbelinag I've been an equestrienne, and while I will say that a heel is needed, Ciri's heels in Witcher 3 are inappropriate fashion heels, not riding heels. Like, even Jill's comparison to cowboy boots is actually kind of off, as those heels are too narrow and pointy for that. Cowboy boots tend to have relatively square-ish heels, with only a little narrowing, and they're not anywhere near that long if they're for practical use; my cowboy boots I used for show riding had maybe an inch of very blocky heel, and I honestly rode casually in riding sneakers, which had considerably less.

@@Mokiefraggle I can't comment on Ciri's heels directly, but would agree 3 inches is extreme. I just flashed back to one riding instructor who told us if we showed up in sneakers that we'd be sent home. I've ridden western with no heels, but probably wouldn't ride english without at least a bit of a heel.

@@kimbelinag The ones I had were like if you mixed an 80s hi-top sneaker with a paddock boot, and had a heel about on par with your average English-style riding boot. Not a literal, flat-soled sneaker. I loved them, in part because I have a god-awful time finding boots to fit me (I have small but very wide, and very flat feet), and these fit me comfortably. Plus, they were a terrific shade of turquoise that was just kind of my jam back then. My sneakers went with my horse's halter and lead, and even with his bridle...it was a theme. Admittedly, I was mostly inclined to ride Western, as the few times I'd tried an English saddle, I had all kinds of issues. Couldn't maintain "heels down, toes in" position, kept falling forward no matter how deep I sat...I was a mess the times my instructors got me to try English seat. I was much more interested in doing things like reining and barrel racing.😅

The first thing we see Ciri do in the game is take a hard fall in the woods. I think it’s supposed to be because she wasn’t looking where she was going while running, but I say it’s because those heels are totally unsuited for the terrain.

I had the same thought, she looks like she'd belong in the Pike and Shot era rather than a vaguely medieval setting.

The witcher is based on the 16th century though

Came here to say this. Looks 17th or even early 18th century to me

Was wondering if anyone had thought the same thing, agreed, it looks maybe too modern. Kinda feels she ought to have a saber and a musket with her honestly.

@@robinrehlinghaus1944 That keeps being said, but there are feudal monarchies, there are religious orders, and a whole lot of other things that connect the witcher setting more to medieval than early modern times.

So much good (and hilariously hideous) armor in that game. The Cleanrot armor set is my favorite by far.

@@TheTutch Only some Skyrim armour is that bad. Unfortunately most of the bad stuff is the female armour.

@@isaachepworth7860 To be fair, while it exists, not a lot of Skyrim armor is as bad as, say, TERA armor... Female Skyrim heavy armor usually at least covers as much as the male versions.

@@Valandar2 This is true, but I've not played TERA, and while you're mostly right about heavy armour, and the same is mostly true for light the really bad stuff is the Ancient Nord Armour. The Royal Vampire armour also has problems for the female version.

@@Valandar2 Complaining about the armor in Tera is just fucking stupid, it's clearly not intended to be '' realistic ''. There also is plenty of full armor for female characters and revealing armor for male characters, people just look at a few screenshots then judge it. But regardless of that it honestly just makes people sound like idiots when they unironically act like games like Tera are intended to be realistic, there's no rule in fantasy that makes it mandatory to aim for realism. And Eastern fantasy in particular usually aims to distort reality and make things unrealistic on purpose.

Not just weapons, rain and mud too, it would be an absolute bastard to keep clean.

No boob space.

Yeah but…no wedge heels or boob plates 😁😁😁 it is absolutely the ugliest thing though.

I always thought the wrinkles was trying to give a nod to the flame. Not very successfully mind you, but, they tried?

@@Aefweard It feels more like someone was trying to make organic armor in the vein of "looks like it was grown like a plant" to me. Like, that could be vines, or roots growing throughout and over the armor, but I don't know if I get anything that says "flame" to me. Just tentacle-y weirdness. It might make sense if it were made with magic (like, if Fringilla were working on some kind of special, organic, magical armor for Nilfgaard), but...not so much for if the aim was "thrown together, grab-it-and-go hodgepodge."

they looked like shit aesthetically. plus they were an empire, they should at least look liked pimped knights or something

😂😂 "nerf guard" 🤣🤣

Confession: I watch nearly all non-musical RU-vid videos on at least 1.5x :D

Actually, yes! I thought it looks too fragile, but couldnt pin it.

That and lack of coverage to armpits and upper arms.

it has that sheer metal look from stamp cut metal sheets.

Yep, looks like it was cut out of verrrry thin tin, and then just stamped with those flutes. It's like bargain-basement $20 armour, buy on get one free in our amazing weekend deal armour.

To me that looks like plastic and not metal

Yep it’s tipical gothic backplate

I just googled "backplate armor" and one of the top image results is eerily similar.

😂😂😂 amazing

Well it was early, it was dark, she put it on in a hurry. Who hasn't put something on inside out or back-to-front at some point?

@@patuccaneven8027 you just gave me a mental image of boobplate on her back now......I hate you.

I like your positivity! 😁

It looks like someone was much too influenced by the still-suits from Dune. Which had a purpose for the pipes _and weren't armour_

Indeed! It would totally fit in one of the Stargate series!

@@daanwilmer It certainly has the cheap syfy channel budget feel.

It's almost as if the "alien" aspect of the brief for the armor overtook all other considerations. I agree, it wouldn't look out of place in a movie where the army is demonstrably from a different planet or dimension, but that needs an additional indication other than just the very uniform and not ragtag armour of the army.

I came to write this, but you beat me to it. Those multiple plate designs are there to allow flexibility at the waist without sacrificing the protection of plate at the stomach area. However the fluting is at a diagonal to where the plates join, removing the ability to twist at the hip and also the ability to bend at the hip without changing up the alignment of the fluting. The armor forces her body into a position where the shoulders can not move independently from the hips thus robbing the wearer of the ability to generate power for a sword swing.

I think it was meant to look like several pieces but for (probably ease of production) reasons minimized the actual number of pieces involved, the upper portions on the "dirty" armor MAY be actual separate pieces, but near the hips seems more like ribbing to give the impression of articulation as opposed to actually being separate segments. And even then the upper portions also look more like a one piece construction trying to look like multiple plates joined together. The "clean" (and also more silver looking?) armor has far more convincing articulation, at least in stills. And yes, I'm differentiating them because for continuity reasons the "dirty" and "clean" appearances of the armor are almost certainly two entirely separate suits

You mean 17th century armor? Like her officers look straight up like French cuirassirs from the 30 years war

Wouldn't being naturally stronger and durable just cause escalation to the point you do need armor and helmet? If I was strong and durable enough to fight a bear naked and withstand a crocodile's bite to my skull, I would not be picking fights with bears and crocodiles. I'd be going against claws and teeth that make these animals look like kittens. And against those I would want extra layers of protection.

@@Iowa2006 The problem is that witchers tend to work alone and everyone hates them, so any armor they have, they have to be able to put on and take off themselves. They also need to be able to move fast and travel light, so they would favor lighter armors.

@@Iowa2006 They are made this way to be able to have an easier time with the monsters they do hunt. To go after things that makes "them look like kittens" would be challenging fate and a Witchers goal isn't a glorious death. On the contrary they seem to have quite the survivalist philosophy.

I think it's the lighting in the first photo of the armor that makes it look dished inward; assuming it's the same design with the second (battlefield) photo with only a color change, it's slightly concave all the way, though definitely lesser in curvature compared to other breastplates you're thinking of.

I actually feel like the breastplate is "a little tight across the chest." (hawhaw Gimli) There's no outward bevel to the breastplate and that instantly makes me think it would be difficult to move and breathe in. It seems _too_ flat, like they wanted to absolutely make sure there was no accusation of boob armor and it failed in the other direction. The spaulders are also too flat, like upside down dishware just sitting on her shoulders. I would have liked to see more metal plates running down the arm, and formed to fit and better protect. The spaulders in the series may stop a direct downward strike but nothing else. Her underarm is right there for the stabbing. A gorget of some kind would be fantastic as well (though I am seeing _something_ protective around her neck on horseback). I could forgive the breastplate more easily if there was more general arm coverage.

@@RoronoaEmi Yeah, it just does seem super flat, like more flat than I would expect from male plate, not just "not boobies." If it just had a simple teardrop bowing, a bit like a ship's hull seen from below, to it then it might look better.

@@RoronoaEmi That's exactly what I was thinking. Like they overcorrected to avoid boob armor and instead didn't take her chest into account at all, nor the practicality of a more pointed breastplate you see in most plate armor. There's a practical purpose for that, from being able to, you know... expand your lungs and breathe, to deflecting blows. If you've got breasts, a little extra room in the chest is also probably nice. It also looks really... sleek. But not in a good way. In the way I worry about her getting hurt just wearing her armor for lack of any padding. Add to that the sense there's something not quite perfect in the fitting, and man. I hope the actress didn't end up bruised.

To add to the general design issue, the helmet doesn't fit in. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad helmet, but it's super anachronistic. Most of the witcher seems to be set in the high medieval, maybe the early 15th century, but her helmet seems to be based on a Zischägge, which is a design that only shows up in the 17th century.

WHY, CIRI, WHY.

@@JillBearup annnnnnnnd don't even get me started on alternative Tris! That outfit is NOT suitable for walking around filthy Novigrad streets.

@@alangarde2928 When you need to smuggle mage refugees out of the city at six, but you have a fancy gala at eight.

@@alangarde2928 I can accept mages doing and wearing things that would be incredibly imprqctical for muggles. Style, poise, etc are quite often important elements of mages so them investing effort into it makes sense. They also don't need to worry about many practicalities that can be overcome with magic.

@@88porpoise I'd still worry about someone stepping on that trail! Maybe she has pixies keeping people away from it.

I once read that when you're going for camouflage you should never go for anything totally black, even if you're trying to hide in the dark. Or any completely uniform color, if I recall correctly, but black especially because it is not a color often found in nature. It makes for a distinct silhouette, which both animal and human brains are built to pick out at a glance. In the dark a person won't be able to make out the rotten-potato texture, but with any sliver of light they'll be able to make out a human shape darker than anything they might be trying to hide against - unless they find a wall as dark as the armor or try to hide in a tar pit. That's why modern camouflage is various tones in splotches. The color is so you don't stand out in the environment, but the pattern is also important to break the clean silhouette - it tricks the brain so at a glance it won't parse out the person's shape.

@@RuteL You are correct with everything you said, for the most part, but those are general rules that have some strong exceptions. You don't want to wear solid black because it doesn't exist in nature and true black will stand out amongst softer blacks, especially when observed from a short distance. However, the armor in question is not black, it is a dark grey. Additionally, soft blacks and greys are used in camouflage in streaks or stripe-like patterns to disrupt the other colors in the camouflage, which serves different purposes depending on distance - at long range it masks your numbers, as it makes it difficult to separate the shapes of camouflaged creatures that are moving as a group, at mid-range it makes it harder to separate a camouflaged creature from the similarly colored environment around them, and at close range the black stripes/streaks help it blend with shadows. A mix of colors is preferred for camouflage so that you can blend in with the colors of the environment, but if you are in an environment that doesn't have much color, or are performing operations in very low-light environments, then textured dark solids can be a better option, as long as they aren't darker than the shadows. Likewise, if you are changing environments frequently, a dark-colored outfit could be a more universally useful option over a color-patterned outfit. A murky swamp, for example, could be a great environment for this type of armor to camouflage in. There isn't a lot of color, just a lot of drab browns and some greens, while the texture of the armor causes mud and environmental debris to cling to it. If they then move into a brightly colored jungle environment, they can still cover the armor with mud and let it pick up debris from the jungle plants, creating a natural camouflage effect.

I think the issue there is that if you're going for camouflage, you'd make like the rangers of LotR. Light armour under tough fabric, that sort of thing. The Nilfgardians are still an army of conquest and frontal assaults, from what I've seen in the show.

With the plastic texture and wrinkly black look, it would be effective camouflage if one were to dive into a pile of trash bags. I guess the only reference point they had for "rag-tag" was the modern hobo?

@@blokey8 I was thinking of LotR, too! Only of the elven cloaks. Even without elvish magic, a greyish dark greenish cloak & hood could be made at a fraction of those weird folds in the uniforms.

Yes, exactly, it looks like the costume department picked it up from Spirit Halloween and covered it with metallic-finish spray paint, then tried to pass it off as steel plate mail.

very meta

Make sure to have a version that’s on like a tube top. Just to increase your vunerability to stabbing by 20%

Well I'd say it fall more into the "not actually armor" category

I agree. I look at it and blows to the upper torso are going to be deflected straight into the neck.

Are there no neck corsets or gorgets in the Witcher universe? I feel like at least a few people could use one.

@@thejasminedragonmerchant6843 some people have them.

I agree. It's far too light and shaped ever so slightly wrong all at once. It's like the armor from a Knight's Tale, where it just doesn't look like it will do the job, but they don't take the time to defend the lightness and efficacy of the alloy. And the proportions of the breastplate to the rest of the offering are not correct either.

Right? Honestly I like the s2 shoulders better and I think the trousers are different (and nicer) but the breastplate is just…eh.

if that leather sixpack was supposed to make up for the lack of bath tub scenes just stab me now lol

Rivets serve as a way to connect metal braces underneath to black cloth covering them on top? Like actual brigantine? That was mistaken in the first place for said "studded leather" that makes you faint? And that is done for the same reason we coat infantry soldier equipment nowadays - to prevent light deflection to alert the enemy and to protect it from corrosion?

@@TheArklyte But he was talking about season 2? Where he isn't wearing a brigandine? And is wearing studded leather? Making the mistake yours? And your added explanation of the function of armor in a conversation of people who clearly already know a bit about the subject especially superfluous?

True, but the neck and armpits of plate armor are known weak spots for precisely that reason

it actually gaps too little. it will limit her mobility too much to swing a sword without getting hurt by her own armor.

XD The cringe-inducing gratuitous nudity was unfortunately completely in the spirit of the books. If you ever do choose to read the series, gird your loins!

Recommend you read the books. Even better than the series, and they're not long books. Surprisingly short for a fantasy novel.

@@markkringle9144 Next on the reading list...

I wonder where Cavill's witcher would go on my personal Groot Scale: most meaning with least vocalization ... (Haven't yet watched more than the first episode. Currently watching Korra and finishing X-Files. And yes: all seasons of it!)

Maybe compare the Dredd armour to the Judge Dredd armour, to keep it a little more interesting? Although I’m perfectly happy to just get a short video highlighting that the Dredd costumes are perfect in every way.

I'd happily just watch 10 minutes of Jill talking about Dredd with Karl Urban growling "yeah" after every point.

What's the point of wearing body armor if it can't even stop pistol caliber bullets? I can understand Dredd getting shot with a judge's gun (with armor piercing ammo), but Anderson's completely failing in the same spot from a mundane pistol?

That's just not true, though? As a kid she wears a white shirt with a brown jacket, grey pants, and yellow boots.

... or why it's too short, but no where near too snug. Unless Ciri was on the chubby side as a kid? Now there's a cute image 🤩

And after having read and watched other reactions, yes, that ill-fitting breastplate is most definitely actually a backplate, which is something so utterly baffling, the possibility ne'er even crossed my mind.

"very form fitting for plate" No it isn't lol. The historical norm for plate armor was to have as form fitting as possible, also gambesons weren't really a thing worn under plate.

Have you really… 😁😁😁

@@JillBearup Yep and imma watch it again. Because it was just that damn good.