Dating as an INTJ Male & INTJ Female 

Jon this was so much fun, thanks for having me on, my channel is on their way over to watch :)

Advice to my former self (and to all the younger INTJs): Do not assume other people think like you or have the same thinking process as you do. We typically know that we're the extreme minority very early on, but personally I've never put it together - you're not superior and there's nothing wrong with you, your brain is just wired differently from most other people and from what society expects. Try to avoid judging people for not doing what comes naturally to you and do not write yourself off because you're not good at things you're "supposed" to be good at, that's not a thing. Keep yourself productive with things you're good at and continue developing yourself, learning never stops.

The collaboration has occurred

INTJ woman here: I love uniforms because they are so practical. No need to dress to impress, or waste energy on looking perfect. I wish there was a uniform for all occasions... Work, social events.... 😅

This was so heartwarming. I imagine it's lonely to be an Ni-dom and seeing the camaraderie makes me smile.

I'm often called a clumsy ninja, or something along those lines, because I knock everything over but have the reflexes to grab it. It probably helps that I'm so caffeinated that I can turn anxiety into a superpower.

2 of my favorite INTJ RU-vidrs together? Is it Christmas again? This is so funny to see other INTJs that I can relate too. I’m 27 now and it’s only at 25 that I really considered dating someone, I didn’t see the point before if it was gonna end. I only realized recently that sometimes the beginning and the middle of things can be better than the end results and you learn more out of it. Same with social skills, I dedicated end of 2022 and 2023 especially for learning to be more social. My ESFP friend knows my progress and she always makes fun of me saying: “When I met you, you were living in a cave doing your things alone and now you came to the real world” it is entirely true. For everything related to Se as a woman, the only thing that helped me was doing sports when I was younger. I only realized in my twenties that I had a lot of anxiety and panic attacks about the world and people when I was younger. I didn’t know how to deal with emotions and so the only exit for me was sports and reading. It's crazy to me that I realize that only now. Then it’s only since 2/3 years that I started to learn how to take care of my appearance with clothes etc. Literally had my friends show me how to shop. The only thing I really cannot do is make up and cosmetics, it’s just torture to me. I completely agree with you Lijo, Getting ready is a nightmare for me and I feel like it’s a waste of time so I only do the bare minimum. If I had a wish to make and make my life easier it would be to have everything around hair, etc be perfect all the time. I have curly hair and it’s a nightmare 🥲 it’s the hair type that requires the most care and sometimes I just wanna go bold cause it’s too much for me. I really force myself to do the bare minimum to have decent hair. The benefits of not doing any make up is people are already used to my face and don’t say any comments about it. But I also feel like that in the US, when I hear podcasts etc, woman having make up is a much stronger pressure than here in Spain. Although I would think it’s the same in France. (I only worked in Spain but France is more similar to the US about this) Spain is more chill. I would say for INTJ and style, comfort would always be the most important thing ever. What Lijo said about thinking someone expects something from you is so true. It’s always my first thought when I don’t know the person still to this day. I’m always: “hmm what so they want from me?” “what’s the intent?” And I agree with you Jon, ENFJs blow my mind too but the craziest for me is my ESFP friend. We’re so opposite in term of personality, we both are always: How can a person live like this? To each other and I find it very funny. Lijo, the story about the birds is so true. It’s the story of my life to not be aware of what’s around me until someone points it out. My mind just filters everything and I believe that’s one of the reasons I’m so bad at orientation. I noticed it so much when I’m around my ESFP friend or even INFJ. I can be so clumsy or unaware or things to a degree it’s crazy and it surprises them a lot. One example that happens to me often is when someone asks me to take something in their kitchen and I’m like: I don’t know where it is, I don’t find it. And then it is in front of me but I don’t see it 🤦‍♀. This used to stress me out a lot as a kid with my ESTJ sister going crazy at me for that. Focusing on one thing is so tiring and draining. When I see my ESFP friend cooking and doing everything at the same time under 30mn I’m like, how is that possible?! It would take me 3h just for that. What you say about the flow Jon, I call it planned spontaneity haha. Completely agree with what you said at the end Jon, it's really great to hear that I'm on the right path about this. And Lijo, thanks for your words as well, it's only the past 2/3 years that I realized that. In the end, you find the people who really accept you as who you are. Thank you for the amazing video to both of my favorite INTJs on RU-vid. -Nadia

Idk but some observations here. I like how INTJs dress themselves, male and female. They usually have key pieces that is on rotation on their wardrobe, but usually it is a sleek, good piece. Like a good quality dress or polo that's muted colored. Some pop of color here and there occasionally. But, you will definitely see there's a fav shirt or dress that is usually used.

I agree with the SF dressing part a lot. It’s actually very funny how I’ve done exactly what Jon mentioned and tried to use very colorful makeup, galaxy themed skirts and flats, and looked at my pictures after and realized how ridiculous I looked😭 after seeing that picture, I happily went back to using my plain colored shirts and tennis shoes :)

Great video ! Dear INTJ and other types, no one force you to "date", the other person can be a coworker, a friend, or the friend of a friend, and things can happen naturally. By being authentic to ourselves, we attract the right persons for us. I totally agree with your advice to the younger self : Trust our intuition, only us know what is the best for ourselves. Thank to my Asperger, I am not a typical girl : I never judged others, and never gossip. And I notice the details other people don't notice. Maybe because of my Masculine Se, whereas Lijo has Feminine Se. "Super sensitive to the sensory world, or don't noticing it at all" This is a great insight. I am the one hypersensitive. Like Lindsay, when someone compliment, in my head it's : "What does this person want from me?" Years ago, when 2 Fi dom coworkers compliments my hair & t-shirt, I took it well because they are women. When it's a boy/man, I have to read their energy & body language to know if it's just like that, or if it means something more. Me too during a period, I wore colorful clothes (ESFP ISFP moment) and the day I wore black, a coworker, told me that it fit me well (she herself almost always wore black). Similar as you, my Fi is seen as too sensitive or vulnerable and when Te it's seen as too direct, rude, arrogant. And when Ni I am misunderstood or misinterpreted. What hurt me the most is when they say something about my Fi.

I’ve definitely struggled, and still do a bit, with assuming everyone is acting with intent. So when I have gotten compliments I’m so suspicious of why. As I get older I’m shying away from always leaning into that mindset, even for myself. People are just different and that’s fine (and also scary if I have to admit)

Excellent conversation. It was good to see the other side of the coin. My message to past me would be "embrace who you are".

Oh I'm 100% with Lindsay on this one: if someone approaches me out in the wild I always assume there's intent and a plan. And of course I'm going assume the worst, so they're either out to at least scam me or even kill. This thought is always in the back of the mind even now when I know that it's really unlikely.

Jon, you are an extremely talented interviewer. This was fascinating. Thanks for putting this together.

Great interview - I think that you cover much more topics than just dating. It's great talk from both of you showing that INTJ are just normal people that struggling with some normal things f.e. like wearing - i found that funny, because when I finally could afford for buying some things that i want wear to improve my style, it turned out that some of them aren't comfortable as I thought. Same was for make up: i really like fancy, glittery make ups - but when it come to reality it turn out it takes a huge amount of time. So when phase ended i use 2 pairs of joggers (black and blue, same model) and 3 hoodies. I really appreciate that you say, that you are either controlling or very emotional when it comes to things or people that you care for. I always thought that there is something wrong with me as INTJ if i cannot chill with things that i care, but i see that is something normal for us (till we doesn't hurt anyone of course). Great conversation, I'm not feeling lonely after this.

This was so excellent! Jon and LiJo, you are both awesome! LiJo's story about the blender or carrying something and focusing so intently on not spilling resonated so deeply with me. I'm learning jumps in figure skating and there's so many things happening at once with my body that I can't control it all for trying to focus on one point at a time. In trying to control the chaos of everything happening, I create more chaos in my execution of the jumps. Learning how to let go and just be in the moment is proving a lot more challenging (and singularly unpleasant) than I anticipated.

When someone compliments, I just reply ‘thank you’. And then change topic asap or avoid further conversation depending on the person. Never know how to deal with compliments, they make me feel uncomfortable. Also I find people in the UK just say nice things for the sake of it, hence I don’t take them seriously and a waste of my time and effort

Whenever a random guy approaches me (female INTJ), I am also wondering about motivation and intent. I am extremely suspicious of men. If the man knows absolutely nothing about me, other than my physical appearance, and he tries to initiate a conversation, I'm immediately turned off. I'm also turned off if he is unable to engage me intellectually, or open the conversation with mansplaining or lying.

That part about life being a journey and not a destination hit me really hard. Thank you both for the video.

Dating as an ISFJ male and ESFP female - fixed there for ya.

Yes! so accurate! Navigating the SF is clumsy, but it is needed, at least in my case. I saved time with my make up by tattooing the eyeliner and I am thinking painting my lips too, because it really takes the time to be "presentable" in my work. I took time to polish the style and stick to it. It ia easier and comfortable. And interacting with people... Yeah... We are working on that😂

I always feel like I’m catching up when it comes to certain things

Is it weird that as a female INTJ, I've just never liked studying sure I like to learn about a wide variety of topics but keeping my grades up by consistently studying never excited me.

I learned a lot from the video, treat life as a journey. I was in a relationship, I dated a esfp guy and he wanted something different from me. For me, I prefer us working towards a goal and make plans for self improvement and growth for us and also work on making cosplay props together. I didn’t give him enough of what he wants, and this caused problems. Society expects us women to be more SF like what Lijo said in the video, and we didn’t meet that expectation. The most important thing is to be ourselves and to accept us and other people.

My boyfriend has admitted that he liked discovering this adorkable and corny in a good way side of me when I'm in my Fi-Se, contrary to the impression he tends to get from my Ni-Te side as someone who needed respecting and probably someone intimidating too. It's an interesting thing to realize when you're someone growing up insecure being vulnerable with feelings since they're quite intense, and also having an Se inferior complex. It feels humbling to be around someone who's happy to be that patient.

the clothes thing, omg. With the years I learned to enjoy makeup and nails and stuff (although usually to stay home rather than go out) but the clohes thing OMG

OMG the back of the head comment! I wish I never discovered the back of my head 😂. Was standing in line at the store today and thinking “I forgot to check that this morning”

I’m very much an ENTJ but everything Lindsay is me and my life

My partner and I are both INTJ, we're same in all the right ways but also surprisingly different in others

OMG- I love this; I've been waiting for it!

Thai collaboration is life… also why y’all both so damn attractive👏🏼!

It's so interesting hearing the INTJ's perspective on Se. Since I having Se trickster I can definetly relate with a lot of things you said like being clumsy and not knowing how to dress. The difference is that I'm not hyperaware of it. It's not like I focus too much on one thing and so I don't notice the rest. I just don't focus on it at all XD. But I can kinda get through it by building habits with Si and seeing all the potential consequences with Ne. For example, I learned to confortably walk in my house in the dark, because I basically already bumped into everything. So I know all the safe paths now.

As an INTJ female, I know the importance of dressing up and putting makeup on, but it’s such a chore. 😂

Enjoyed the more contextual examples than abstract ones in this. I recall the first time someone asked, "What's your favorite clothing brand?" ... I couldn't comprehend it. Does he want to know my favorite spatula brand too?

can you please do a video on why intjs need so much space? and what their partners should/not do when giving them space? it's so so tough! I'm an ENFJ and can feel like my needs are not being met during these space moments.

This was a very interesting video and insightful for my own life. I am an INTJ who is 17 and I still don't know how to match colors and outfits. I have watched videos over the science and practicality of it but i still am not able to do it lol. Every time I try a new outfit I have to consult my ESTP gf and see what she thinks before I go into the world. I see my own Se delay every day with how I interact in groups mostly because to my friends I am very innocent and unknowing of all the underlining messenges. it ends up being everyone laughing and I am trying to catch up. I love it when y'all talked about having the same pairs of clothes because I have four of the same pants and almost all my clothes with designs where given to me. This was awesome and I hope we can get some more INTJ banter soon.

So real when she says getting ready can be infuriating!! As an intj female, I work as a hostess at a restaurant, and getting each shift seriously makes me consider quitting bc I have to look put together and presentable. Also, working in customer service as a intj is draining as hell. Some people naturally are good at showing they care and come across as accommodating. But for me I find it very uncomfortable, unnatural, and completely forced. I seriously feel like a fraud under a smiley mask.

Your hair is freaking beautiful😄

This is how i am with my clothes. I wear the same kind for years 5+ and i get my shirts in mens so the fabric wont break down too fast.

I went through a period in my late teens where you might say I dressed more Se-like... colors, and effort. But that only lasted a couple of years. When that moment ended, my SF mother really hated it. She dressed very colorfully and puts lots of effort into her appearance, but I could just not be bothered. And I think also that I didn't want people to be attracted to me physically (I'd freak out if people expressed too much interest). I started dressing much simpler, lots of black, and my mom used to complain incessantly. Why can't you wear more color? So I'd buy clothes to make her happier, but then I wouldn't wear them. When I was about 30, I went through my closet and asked myself would I ever really wear this again? And gave most of it away to charity. When I was done, all I had left was black, except for one white shirt and one blue shirt for doing job interviews.

We are the greatest advocates and the greatest adversaries for ourselves.

This is an esfp female

Infj here. Can I just rant as well. I'm surrounded by soooooo many SFJs everywhere. Them saying you should: -put a make up on -dress up every... -fix your hair -use what I'm using on my skin -what's wrong with your shirt? It has some dye here -your clothes are sometimes uncoordinated -you should drink this to lose weight It's really tiring to hear this over and over. It's hard to have sensitive skin and different fashion taste (I'm an artist and like comfy clothes with crazy hair color), and different body type. I really don't like putting proper preppy look, and often times I have to show up to lots of people on a weekly basis. I want to keep it manageable and stress free but I just can't imagine puting in more than an hour for the look. (Regular occassion). I also don't like that they relate that to your personal problems like -so guys will like you (really?) -so your skin will be clear (am I asking for opinions?) -because you have to (hmm?) -that's why you broke up (wow) Excruciating. But here I am trying to be nice although I'm uncomfortable. So they keep on saying things while I pretend to be engaged then ignore them completely. At least the sfps would respect your choices.

Gratitude for the Wisdom

Side note: LiJo is gorgeous… you’re welcome.

Omg the back of the head fixation!!!!!!

everytime someone gives me a compliment, I always question--even if it's a girl, if they have intent behind their compliment. I know for myself I use the compliment card to subtly flirt and get others to see that I am interested in them, so I think I automatically assume others have an intent too whether that being platonically or romantically lol.

Another INTJ woman thing.... High heels! Hate them because they basically make me handicapped. Cant walk far. Cant run. Cant drive. Get exhausted from wearing them.. I get that men like it and they are pretty to look at. But to me, its not worth it. Tall girl privilege maybe. Love my ballerina flats and trainers.

Discovering the differences in cognitive functions between genders is fascinating. The stereotypical understanding is that women are better at Fe. Is that true? Is it just a stereotype? I would tend to think that it is true based on personal experience. Does gender effect personality type theory in a meaningful way? What measurements lend to better understanding here? I have to add that LiJo's mannerisms, understanding, and concerns relate to mine as a male INTJ. Is the female Fe hocus pocus just that? Do the functions stacked as they may bear down more on personality than the dangle/anti-dangle betwixt the legs? Fascinating stuff.

I relate to the compliment segment. I also would get flustered and not know what to do for the same reason she mentioned. What if I say thank you and there's more to follow, what then? I like to know how the future will unfold from goals to conversations with people. I learn so many skills to be able to handle any and every situation that can come my way, so getting a compliment without knowing intent or what's next was troubling, so I'd just ignore and look autistic. However, it is interesting because I don't compliment people unless I am really impressed and that is EXTREMELY rare. If I compliment someone, it IS a gift (something I consciously developed), but when someone compliments me, I don't seem to give it any weight these days. Of course I'm no longer awkward , I just receive it, say thanks and move on. If one day I meet a person I respect a lot, like Jordan Peterson let's say, and he compliments my brain, I imagine that will be a real compliment that will be very differently received.

I wonder if the late development of Se is environmental/cultural. I had to develop extreme Se senses to observe and assess threat to make sure I always know what is going on around me due to my upbringing in a political family full of enemies, who wanted us dead. I knew what every sound is and what's happening around me at any given time. However, it IS survival and safety based senses. I also have developed senses around making sure I'm conscious and aware of my moves and how the reflect on the world around me because that's the type of a person I want to be, yet I can still miss human and social cues surrounding Se. If I observe and don't assess threat, I can then become oblivious as to what's going on.

All I heard so far is the opening remark and I feel like we live in a simulation and we're a copy paste. Very depressing. lol. I had the exact same realization one day when I paid attention to how every girl had hair and makeup done and wondered, how early do they get up to do all this and why would they do that to themselves?! Didn't seem like a way I'd ever want to spend my mornings. I don't even brush my hair.

I do agree that male xNTJs are more values to their female counterparts. However to generalise as a whole that it's easier as male NT have our live easier is something that couldn't be further from the truth. Female INTPs theoretically have it easier ro serve the group harmony, maintaining the Fe order than us male INTPs where our soft emotions are awkwardly expressed. Women in general are more respected to be agreeable, and us INTPs do wish to preserve that pressure point that men have way harder time coping, now I can't speak for ENTPs but they probably are more socialized and have it easiest to pull their charm and wear their emotions on their sleeve irrespective of gender

John: I feel slow mentally 😂😂😂😂

I’m an INTJ female, but I love dressing up and wearing makeup. I’m the rare type of the rare type 😔. My INTJ fiancé wears all black. He refuses to wear anything else.

Thank you

INTJ guys, like all INTJs, are generally afraid of what other people want from them, growing up if girls approached me it was usually in an awkward way and though typically I didn't feel threatened, more just anxious at the whole scene being made and also being socially awkward myself and not totally knowing what to do with the situation, in terms of compliments, I mean I think we all know we're bad both giving and receiving them, when I was young complements would usually be met with a blank stare and me being like "ok", I guess in my late 20s I would feel suspicious around certain girls who show too much interest in me

I dont think we necessarily dont get the SF values, we just dont care for them. We know what society expects of us, including in terms of the approach to dating. INTJs most valued trait in other people is competency. We also judge other people based on our value system therefore we expect ourselves to be the most competent. What happens when we figure out that we're bad at this SF stuff we're expected to do? We dont wanna practice to get better because we'd rather do something more interesting and we dont want to go into it without practice because we are expected to fail. Result - we just wait. I personally waited until I was about 35. If you're younger - dont worry :D

Definitely also understand that we are chill.. and my students tells me im chill, cool and mysterious, serious.. and the ironic comment i received is im funny 😆 may be because of esfp ego haahhaha

I'm putting way too many comments, but it's interesting. I actually wouldn't say I'm controlling, unless I'm in denial. I just ask the person to move consciously. If you did put a spoon somewhere, what was the logic, why there and not where I put it? If your logic and system is better than mine, I'm fine to adjust. I just move with purpose and every step of the way from small objects to big moves are carefully and consciously thought through, and someone breaking that without a good reason is quite annoying. Ultimately, I learned to just fix things and never nag. Unless the person is a pig, then they will not be in my life. lol.

Thats crazy how people think we are emotionless.. i just dont show emotion to people i don't care about. But i am very romantic if i want to be ..or if the right person brings it out of me.. I dont know how a narcissist escaped my radar ...she did alot of emotional damage in just a short period.. but... i f uped i should have connected the dots sooner..

As a straight INTJ woman - do you have manicures and pretty nails?

Just don't compare yourselve with others..be ok with and in yourselve....😁🤣🤩😉😏🤭🥳

As a girl with curly hair, I had to pay attention to my hair for it to not be a rats nest Edit: nvm I literally go to school with wet hair too cause I dont have time to dry it 😭

One question... Do both of you spend like an hour doing nothing but planning for things in advance? I sometimes do that when I have something going on... Like I usually could be ready with many possible circumstances... And yes, that was meant for dating too. I may not be the best person when it is about dressing up... Mostly I just don't care... But in terms of taking exercise, I prefer to do things that don't really seem to be competitive.. Like jogging or cycling...

33:48 aww man...kind of makes me sad to hear this. Weird that i have definitely been on the receiving end of the dom/aux Te - ness (parent and lovers) but I would never accuse someone being too emotional if they're a Te dom/aux! Thats the part i would fiend for CONSIDERING the fact they are Te/ dom/aux! Sending hugs lol (i know you dont need virtual hugs but that statement hurt my aux Fi lol).

Just hit me that being INTJ might be akin to being neurodivergent. 🤔 Or maybe not always. Who knows, maybe there are INTJs out there who are totally normal, if that's even possible. 😢😂

male and female intj are different due to evolution 😁

um Lindsay what are you talking about

Sis/male Intj... naaaaa bro

Disappointed to see you give this grifter air time.