Dealing with Controlling People 

They are energy vampires, they don't listen. Trying to explain your opinion to them is exhausting and leaves you confused and they enjoy it.

I spent 55 years doing what everyone else "wanted" me to do. I'm done. I'm retired now & I set the rules to live my life as I please. Finally, freedom and also setting strong boundaries.

I like how he articulates himself. It seems to me controlling people often have a personality disorder. So, often, the person trying to change them doesn't realize it's not a choice so they attempt in vain to appeal to their good judgement when in reality you're up against a robot.

"One of the most frustrating things that we have to do in life is to deal with controlling people": you're 100% right. They are unbearable.

Many people waste years of their lives blaming themselves for what a bullying control freak did. I did.

normally a controlling person will say (from experience) is "i'm not controlling, im just trying to help you".

this is why I live alone, my family is very much controlling and manipulative 😝

Controlling people also think they know it all. I can't stand people like that. People who think they know it all never learn since they never listen to anyone else and therefor never really learn anything new. They are the most closed minded people.

Controllers definitely have a problem the best thing we can do is just let it be their problem and not ours

Letting someone manipulate and control you is to give them the place of God in your life.

My friend is very controlling and I didn't pick this up until later on. You can't tell him nothing, tries to order me around, conversations in his favor, always in competition, mostly downplays what I say and just so full of himself. It gets very irritating and I can't stand it. That's why I distance myself from him. He tried to ask me one time if I wanted to be his roommate and I told him HELL NO.

I agree. It is hard to avoid them when you are in a place where you are required to be around them such as the work place or family events

I am a controlling person and I can say we suffer a lot from being too critical/non-accepting. Because in my case, it is all based in fear or my vanity. We need a lot of help to see our mistakes and change. I want to change. And other controlling people should want to change as well.

I had to detach from my sister seven years ago. She has been so controlling and condescending as far back as I remember, and she treated me like a maid, bullied me and was always wanting to use my credit. My family ended up filing bankruptcy because of her mooching, and I haven't spoken to her since. I am so much better off without her in my life. You wouldn't believe the jobs she has been fired from because she wanted to control everyone around her and spent so much time watching what they were doing and micromanaging them she never completed her own work. She will not seek therapy, and she is never wrong in her mind. I can't deal with this anymore.

Aggression and controlling ppl! Go hand and hand!

I work in a boys home and there's a kid in there whose level of control is something I've never seen. This has helped me so much, thank you.

i'm at the edge of a friendship with a VERY controlling person. I am so glad i watched. thank you so much for the advice Dr. Ray Self. I finally know what i've been dealing with all this time and how to solve it.

Remember, if you’re not sure if the person you’re dealing with is controlling, just by you clicking on this video and watching it can actually confirm that who you are dealing with is indeed controlling

Ignoring the controller doesnt help! Allowing them to contiue to talk to you in a condescending manner doesnt help! You need to not enable them. And stay calm and stand up for yourself in a respectful way. The problem wont go away on its own!

You are so right, as soon as someone tells me what i 'should' do I know they are saying it out of fear & I don't feel safe or loved unconditionally and I am very strong about putting in boundaries in straightaway. I don't do people pleasing anymore. When people allow me to be me but lovingly give suggestions, I am much more likely to take them on board. Because at the end of the day, my Higher Power knows whats best for me and that connection is my priority. I only have one life and no one has the right to try control me if I don't let them

Thank you! I believe that my willingness to help others is mistaken as weakness thus I attract controllers who want to control me. What you have said has given me peace and knowledge on how to deal with them. I will pray that they get the help they need too.

Excellent! Christ never forced anyone!

The Number One Reason Of Failed Relationships

Good video, Do NOT put up with any crap from these people Be FIRM and just and fear not.

This is a really good video. I was a part of a ministry in which the director became very controlling. I was verbally and spiritually abused for saying that they were wrong. It was sick. I left, but the worst part is that I see everybody around the director become just like him--controlling.

My mother's saying: "I might not always be right, but I'm never ever wrong" she knows everything...

There's a difference between giving people advice and telling them what they should be doing with their lives. No one should pop into my life and tell me how to live it. Sometimes our lives are put on hault for a specific reason. It doesn't necessarily mean we're being punished. I'm growing emotionally and spiritually. I'm not missing out on a darn thing. I don't need strangers telling me what I should be doing. Walk a mile in my shoes and say it again lol

Just watched this five times because this so spot on. Great insights

Thanks, been dealing for years now with some negative and controlling family members. Really tired of it now.

This is such a great video!!! Thank You!!!! 😊. I worked with a controller and because I’m nice , I guess I would enable them. But then I felt like I was being taken advantage of. Never again! I will stand my ground!!!

Yours are very wise words. Thanks for sharing!

Thanks. I control and need to stop.

Guilt, shame, manipulative. External focus, avoid their pain Self righteuness. Fix another person. SHOULD, OUGHT, NEED! You can not control, the controler! Not enable, comply Allow them to take the consequences of their actions!

How to deal with a controlling - or a more appropriate word is dominating - people is a smaller issue. Just don't give in to their wishes, be firm, be yourself. I know it requires some courage but that's the only way to deal with them. Actually what I find more challenging is how to identify such people during initial interactions with them when usually they try to be nice and their ugly traits do not come out. It could be anyone, say a new guy or girl you are dating or someone you are interviewing for job, or a new neighbor, anyone. I feel dominating traits (and its primary source is the high ego I think) is an integral part of their personality, and more often than not it is very difficult to change. So given a choice I would rather avoid getting close or friendly with such people rather than dealing with them much later when it becomes bit complicated.

I hate when somebody is being pushy with me and try to make me do things I don't want to do!

l have a family member that does this to me. When they think I have wronged them, I get the silent treatment for weeks that turn into months. It has been this way forever, and has demented me to the point of suicide. It is happening now, and with Christmas coming I am very sad and afraid. Over the years it has led me to hate Christmas totally. I feel though it would be hard, I should finally disconnect from them altogether. I know many would say that is not wise with family, but I feel exhausted with nothing left to lose.

Goodness. I have a relative who is so controlling and prone to angry outbursts that I loathe to be around him because he puts me on edge. But, I *LOVE* his children and want so much to be around them; I also feel a lot of sympathy for them and concern for them because of his controlling behavior. Such a pickle to be in. I'm going to try to keep your points in mind.

Wonderfully clear and powerful message.

I do agree with the statement that controlling people do not wish to focus on themselves and/or their failures in life. Instead, they want to occupy their time by telling others "what they should be doing". And yes, you can not control the controller. However, we can opt out not to interact with them.

'im sorry you feel that way,' im going to try this thanks for the encouragement

I find that Controlling people will give the SILENT TREATMENTS BIG TIME. Not because they are Narcissistic, but non-narcissistic people can do this. My partner does the silent treatments when she gets into her anger fits, like a spoiled brat who doesn’t get her way. Then when she comes down off it BEGS AND BEGS LIKE A SAD PUPPY 🐶 DOG. I pray for her. Do I ever pray for her 😇🙏

I had to stop and take breaks ... never heard such spot on truth about controlling people with excellent examples to go with it.

Dear Sir, I just had the realization that I have a friend who is of controlling personality and this video has literally given me the greatest armor to deal with such personality. I should agree that he is going to suffer as a consequence, but I will be getting out of his way and watch him suffer in his own hell. Thank you very much for this video again!!!!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this! I left a career in nursing due to the bullying, (as 56 -66% of new grads do, which is the real cause of the nursing shortage). I then found a job I love working in a homeless shelter. But over half the staff there is made up of very hostile, controlling, manipulative women. So even though I'm casual, and not obligated to take any shifts at all, I dread checking my phone when I wake up, because they are hostile that I have the audacity to sleep. Thanks again!

I see people trying to run my grown my life.

In a nut-shell "Can't seem to control themselves near as well as almost everyone else."

Thank you so much. They shamed me in to thinking what I believed in was wrong. I feel much better now for putting myself first .I fled from the conversation and I felt guilty for it

The best explanation about controlling! THANK YOU !!!

Yes..I like that.. " they have to suffer the consequences of their behavior". It"s a live thing.

This blessed me tremendously

You are so good doc...

So true... however, you cannot get rid of difficult, manipulative controllers when they are a member of your family. You offered good advise: do not enable them, not by going head to head but kindly disagreeing and making them aware of what it is they are doing. You offered lots of jewels on this one

I have forwarded this onto my sister as she is struggling more than myself with this. I have learned to distance myself a few years back and am aware of what is happening within our family. I will no longer be emotionally controlled. Yet I still feel the need for great attention from my partners. Meaning to make me feel like I am a good person, etc. Soooo much more to my story! Just loved this clip and thank you!

Right on. I agree with what you have expressed here. Wonderful job in communicating. Thank you!Controlling kinds of people are searching for a 'mini version' or a 'mini-me' of themselves. I believe that a lot of this kind of behavior is connected to past traumas, of which the person has not yet dealt with. (I have had my share of controlling behaviors come against me in my life). There is little use in trying to negotiate with this kind of behavior. What you can do, however, is change how you respond to this person (who 'acts out in this way), by gradually implementing new boundaries and guidelines that you live by. Controlling-type behaviors are usually linked to harsh and judgmental behaviors. (No surprise here!) (the person, whether consciously or subconsciously, are oftentimes perpetrating upon another, the VERY THING that happened to them at some time). Understanding where this person is coming from is VITAL! Because this will determine YOUR OWN behavior, and will keep you from falling into the same traps & power struggles. Prayer works wonders as well! (as the Good Dr. says). Understanding that 'fear' is what's beneath the controlling person's behavior/tactics, can help you to BEGIN to CHANGE HOW YOU DEAL with this person. Appeasing or resisting...in the long term...will NEVER WORK. Ultimately, it is how.....YOU MUST CHANGE,...if you're to deal with this person EFFECTIVELY! If there is a threat of physical violence, then you may not want to do what I have suggested here. (in which case, I strongly suggest getting some kind of outside help asap). Peace & Prayers to all. Elise aka Godgirl.

This is one of our Supervisors, it can become very stressful! ! I can go through a whole shift of expectations and demands and feel accomplished at the end of the day! then it takes 3 minutes for this guy to put me in a huge bad mood and I find myself so angry on the way home! ! he seriously needs help!

You are so accurate to say that controlling people are living externally. I got married to a man before falling in love and he always steppef on my toes and I kept sacrificing in order to heal him inside and after 6 years I an completely broken and rotten inside that even I can't love my child enough. Just want to get out of this and don't know how?

FINALLY !!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH, For years I have not known how to handle a person who always wants to control people & situations. He is a male friend who wants more than I can give. I did not want to hurt his feelings, his heart is in the right place, but it is too much emotionally & I am so worn out. So much so, I have not talked with him in nearly 3 months & he just lives down the street. He has raised his voice to me way too many times & it scares me. I needed a break.

I think you are simply seeing the obvious problem. Exposing a controlling person normally will get a negative reaction and sometimes even more control as they try to keep their power and manipulation going. There is nothing wrong with speaking the truth just do not have any expectations that can set you up for disappointment.

This is a particularly brilliant video. Dr really hitting the nail on the head about 'enabling'. To allow controllers to suffer their own co sequences really switched on a light in my soul thank you!

It's challenging. Like you said, you can easily fall into the same snares they are in via gossip and reacting. I've noticed a tell tale sign is that these people (which I very much used to be) have a lot of dissension in their lives. Have been delivered I am now having to deal with someone like this in my life. They are not satisfied with calming the waters. They want you to agree with them and get mutually enraged. I feel like the only peace to be found is walking away from this person- who will likely try to turn their pack against me. Thank GOD I am not defined by man but by Jesus and God the father as he is my creator. If you see this, please pray for me. It's been causing me distress. I know this friendship is not right in my life. And I'm praying for Godly friends to enter into my life.

Thank you for your talk. Control freaks are a pest within all levels of society. The Apostle Paul’s advice to Apollos is worth following, ie, "Now concerning Apollos, the brother, I strongly urged him to come to you with the brothers, and it was not at all his desire to come now; but he will come when he has an opportunity." 1 Corinthians 16:12. So, the Great Apostle Paul was gracious enough to allow Apollos the freedom to make up his own mind; at the right time.

THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! I need to learn not to trigger the vampires to run after me even more. I am an aspiring minister, been a song leader for 30+ years and have melded with my fathers and mothers in the faith, and this is my biggest problem.

my dad is like this. even to the smallest detail he forces people. it's almost dinner, then he assumes I'm hungry. Then if I didnt come eat with them, he shouts and says "IT'S DINNER COME EAT! I COOKED THIS, IT'S DELICIOUS!" I said no but he forced me to taste so I tasted it. I said to myself it's not good. But because he cooked it, he assumed everyone should say his dish is delicious.....this person needs to be pleased all the time. Oh my....no wonder all his workmates are yes men.

thank you for sharing this wisdom.....I did find myself trying to fix and control the controller and all I got was affliction and abuse... thank you and God bless for this wise counsel

its just too tiring to play their game. I'm dealing with one right now and dam he is really good at manipulating people.

New subbie this is so good thank you I experience this is my family Father sister aunt man in pass relationships etc. I love them from afar pray for them and leave them alone and enjoy my life. Thank you again God Bless

Thank you for your video I have a control freak in my family I understand where you are coming from have a good day 😤

Very wise information. Thank you. It's just the information I was looking for

this video is helpful for me to identify why i never feel Happy in my 5 years relationship, i was controlled by almost everything in my life,i was told you should,need, ought to do this way, it's a good way ........,Thank you Doctor for this wonderful message!!

My sister is my bully. We are 48 yrs. old. She’s my twin. She was bullied by our older brother. He left to go live with the father at age 11. She has been my bully ever since. Physical till about age 23, mental afterwards. She does this thing called gaslighting; look it up. She seems to do it subconsciously but I think she’s done it semi-deliberately a couple of times. When I point this out to her she goes super crazy and denies it upside down the other and blames me for it. That’s when I knew, oh boy, there is something seriously wrong with her brain. She does not have narcissism nor borderline personality disorder. She’s controlling but she’s also bullying. She has to be right all of the time. She’ll start fights and stick at it all day long and stupid me argues it back in defense. I thought that if I used her own medicine on her she’d get a clue and knock it off but she doesn’t. She’s a fun, intelligent person to hang around with and then, bam, she’s a snake and will bite you. She asks to hear your problems then she’s sick and tired of hearing your problems so you decide not to give her information but then she’ll bring up the thing that she’s so called sick and tired of. Then you respond falling for the trap and then, bam, she attacks you again. You finally decide to hang around her but not give her information about your life but conversation goes so well that you do because it’s natural; then, bam she attacks you when you didn’t do nothing but ask for her to clarify what she is talking about and she yells at you acting like you’re stupid. That was the last straw. I finally figured it out. She likes to stir the shit pot and eat it too. I don’t know the psychology behind it and I may never find out but my analogy is 100% correct. She and her long time disfunctional relationship with a man is the same. They both scored the same on the narcissis scale even though both are not narcissist. They just have some tendencies. They both are controlling. He doesn’t care about her and she has low self esteem. There’s only one way to fix this. Do not socialize with them. You have to cut it off. Sad because she’s a fun person. But not good for my self esteem. It must be a wrong brain wiring from childhood. A competition and trying to be on top. Trying to be the dominator. Trying to get the best gifts. Keeping you low so that she is high. That’s the only thing that I can figure. And since this wiring happened in child hood, she cannot and will not see it and change which makes it seem narcissistic but clearly she is not. So it’s weird. They walk among us, lol! Some people hurt others and they feel better about themselves. That must feel good so much so that they do not want to give it up so therefore they justify it and blame someone or something else for their bad behavior.

I lived with a controlling person for years, the only thing that really helped me break off the relationship was to notice the "I'm always right, you're always wrong" kind of attitude. As soon as my ex told me she's always right, I immediately knew there was something wrong. I prayed when I was in that relationship, it didn't do jack, the only thing that helped me was to put physical distance between me and her as well as emotional distance, also, talking to others about it helped a lot as well. If you tell someone else how you feel when the controlling person says one thing or another, they may be able to see things you cannot see when you're in that relationship. Best wishes everyone.

I'm going to watch this many times over to internalize this message. This will begin to help.

You speak so much sense. You really have helped me. I'm very thankful.

You are so correct they get more frustrated, avoid their own issues and use action discharge mode of functioning due to their lack of insight judgment and a ton of other ego functions. They need to control those around them to see themselves as o.k. or good through the eyes of others. They cannot self validate.

WOW! This was very good for me. I recently re-connected with a man from my past. Re-connecting with him was very revealing to me as to why things didn't work out before. The same reasons the relationship didn't work this time. He was a controlling man when I knew him at 20. As a strong woman, a man cannot control me and will become very frustrated when he tries. This man is even more controlling now. He literally, nearly had a stroke in his efforts to control me.

My roommate is passive aggressive and controlling. She has to have everything in the apartment her way, has to shut the patio door if I have it open, turns the thermostat how she likes it etc. She lied and said she didn't smoke but she does. I didn't know all this when I moved in with her bc she put on an act. She also drinks daily and when she gets drunk and hung over she gets even more controlling, mocks me and gives me the silent treatment. I can't wait til my lease is up but I'm thinking of subleasing my room to get away from her.

I haven't finished watching this video but its already POWERFUL!

But what if your controller is a boss? How do you say no to a boss without him or her doing more controlling things out of frustration?

Thank you. That was needed sense the parent I loved and depended on the most is very controlling. It made me realise that I'm stronger than my parent. Even if it means losing good and bad emotions. I gained knowledge my armour and strength my sword. It's hard to make friends and trust them it's also hard to talk to my parent sometimes. Most of the time I'm wrong. I have no life. Thank you dear mom. I'm going to suffer with cruelty of the real world when it's time for you to go. The cycle goes on...

I dont know how many times i have listened to this. Very helpful. Thank You so much.

Wow praise God. What an on time word! I've never heard such words of truth spoken with such clarity, especially on this subject... May God continue to reveal to you words for the people... Thanks Doc and God Bless.

thank you so much! the external focus was a great key. It's really hard to deal with these people unless you can understand and i have spent so much time trying to figure out what you just said in a few words. very helpful subscribed and thumbs up

I love this.....have watched it so many times....thank you.

My roommate is a controlling type though, the way he goes about it is to attack your ego and then tell you what you should do... I'm pretty sure he's aware of it because when I give him the don't-f*ck-with me look, he'll stop. To deal with toxic people is to understand what they want from you, what they're trying to get you to do. Like my roommates want me to help them get a social life and after realizing they won't get what they want through bullying, they keep themselves in check. They try to be nice, give me my space, in hopes I'll invite them to a party or hook them up with club benefits... If you understand what they want from you, you do have some power. For example my roommates want a social life so I'd state, people like people who make them feel good and nobody feels good when you attack their egos and criticize them, then tell them how they should live their lives. Nobody likes it when you tell them what they're doing wrong, especially when they didn't ask. Now they're both trying to prove that they can be good nature and fun - though I know it's in their nature to be bullies so... I let them have their false hopes, instead of fighting with them - I just play a long like maybe, one day... I'll invite you (I really won't though)

Thank you for expanding my understanding. I think your advice is exellent.

Amen! Its not what you say its how you say it!

So true! Thank you Doc!

Great video! Had a work colleague like this once. As a nice person I was an easy target. One day I decided I had had enough. They sure don't like it when you point it out to them, that's for sure. Told me it was all in my head, and there was something wrong with me. A few years down the track now and this person's life has gone downhill big time , while mine is on an upward slope. Gotta love karma

You have just described my sister who is hyper vigilant, controlling and bites people's heads of projecting her faults onto others and my girlfriend (who is Swiss German...with their Protestant Work Ethic they love trying to control others...there are rules for every facet of life and they love policing and telling off others)....I did 30 years of therapy and now instead of being in a relationship with my mother I am in a relationship with someone like my sister....it could be a scene in a Wooden Allen film. Your insights are excellent thanks a lot for this video.There is a Val Halen song called 'Don't tell me what love can do' on this subject people telling others what they should do. ...check it out til the end even if it a bit hard rock for you brother.

Great sit down!! Thank you Dr. Ray

I love the video and thank u soooo much for sharing that!!! I always found myself around some controlling people, and now I got the right way to deal with it!!!

Your awesome!!! My mother to the tea!!! All I could do was laugh!! Serious eye opener!!! Thank u😄🙏🤙😂

Dr Ray Thanks so much for sharing this. I only wish I had seen it 12 years ago and saved myself a lot of pain from a very difficult mother in law. Praying for her.... I need another video for that!

Controllers lack self control. I'm quite clear and concise when I respond to a controlling person. I immediately let them know they are entitled to their opinion and I also let them know that my choices and options differ from theirs. Simply put, I have zero tolerance for outer control. Coincidentally, I delete those, one size fits all, controlling people from my life. I love and enjoy my freedom of independence.

Great video! Reminds me of what I learned from the book by William Glasser: Choice Theory....changed my life!

Thank you so mich DR RAY!! This video really ministered truth and liberty to my spirit....God Bless you!!!!

Thank you for sharing your wise words, I needed this today :)

Silence can be aggressive. Someone who refuses to acknowledge your existance or ignores you can be one of the harshest behaviours.

Fantastic video, Dr. Ray Self. Thanks for your wise advice.

Great video Doc! I got a lot out of that. You covered that topic really well and it translates to my situation perfectly. God bless you 🙏🏼