i've learned my lesson. don't talk to your friends (male and female friends) about your love life. whether they have good or bad intentions towards you, just don't talk about it because their opinions will create unnecessary doubt in you and it can potentially destroy your relationship with your partner. it's like susan said, what you tell them creates a black and white picture in their minds and they will lean towards the extreme. susan i love that you covered this topic. I have had this topic in mind for some time now, and I thank you for covering this because now my thoughts have been confirmed by someone that is an expert on dating. thank you susan!
I dont mean to be offtopic but does someone know a trick to get back into an Instagram account? I was dumb lost my login password. I appreciate any assistance you can offer me
Hi Susan, I can’t hit the start button fast enough whenever you post! I’m in my 60s and thought I knew everything there was to know about relationships until I was ghosted by someone recently. It was a very confusing time but what got me through was listening to every single video you have posted, whether they were relevant to my situation or not. I learned something from each one. You and whatever subject you were speaking on calmed me down and got me through the worst, I came to better understand his limitations and frankly, my own. Thank you for that. I’m still dealing with things but feel that I have come out on the other side. Sure wish there was an Internet, RU-vid, and YOU when I was in my 20s! I probably would not have had so many tumultuous relationships and confusion throughout my life. Thanks again!.
Susan you are always so accurate and subtle in your analysis of human behavior. It is a helpful reminder to give the benefit of the doubt before seeing the worse. Men are often confused, they struggle more than women to process their feelings from fears, trauma and emotions. And attachment, love, require patience to form. It is especially difficult to accept the uncertainty and the pace of the other person, when you have dealt with narcissistic people before. The wise position would be this one, at least for a time frame.
Maybe they go hot and cold because they really don't like you but when they have zero going on sometimes you seem better than nothing. Or they want to use you for something.
Notes: black and white, gray and layers to a situation. It is not always conscious what the person is about. When people get scared, they do opposite of what they really want to do.. They have an internal war going on....maybe they fear they will disappoint you, so they are doing the opposite what they want to do? How will you ever know? Think of it in normal terms. They might not be doing it on purpose, they have internal conflict. They are having their own issues. They cannot communicate because they do not know either. Don't try to make sense out of it, they are confused. Try not to make the typical reaction. Don't attack them, they are in precarious situation themselves. A friend, you would say, "hey what's going on!" (good advice..........)
Thank you for the videos. I followed your advice and confessed my feelings to a friend. She told me that her head said one thing and her heart said another (internal confusion) but bottom line not interested. Thank you for giving me the courage and wisdom to confess to her it turned into a very painful goodbye and the end of our relationship all together, but I know where I stand, I’m proud that I took the chance instead of being in what if. I’m free AND I OWE IT TO YOU. Thank you.
I just had to reply and say you are not alone!! I recently learnt the art of speaking my truth in love with compassion. The peace that passes all understanding flows through me now. You will notice, that a lot of the times it isn't reciprocated nor accepted. Which is okay. Many people are startled by that kind of honesty. However, it is the biggest confidence booster to the one speaking in truth. One can now enjoy life fully. Not putting blame or anger towards others. But seeing people in their situation and not condemning them.
resolution equals clarity. it allows us to move forward...other wise you could have remained frozen for years. I'm proud of you. i know it took real courage.
It’s true that sometimes they are confused and don’t understand what they want. However it really becomes a big issue if it’s dragging for too long. Because then you sort of became a hostage. While they are so confused you can’t really start the relationship you want nor you can move on. You really stuck with them while they are taking their time to think. That’s not cool. It’s ok to be confused for some time but when you get stuck in this position it really is a torture. My advice is too set a rule for how long you are willing to wait for a person to make a decision. If they really are too confused it might be a good time to separate and look for someone else. I understand it’s not their fault but they can’t keep me hostage in the situation, I want to enjoy my life and not wait for them for months and months. It’s just unfair and very inconsiderate when people do that.
This kind of behavior seems to be the norm - at least in my experience. Sometimes I wonder what happened to the classic 'Man meets woman' / 'Boy meets girl' and they are immediately attracted. That is what happened to my parents 50 years ago and to many couples after that. But as many relationship experts have mentioned, getting into a committed relationship in this day and age seems to be an uphill battle. Everyone is talking about sex and that isn't supposed to be a taboo anymore, no stigma attached to any sexual behavior ... but there is a stigma attached to being honest, straightforward and willing to commit. While I do have compassion for men who don't want to appear too weak and needy, it just isn't fair to women to have to second-guess everything.
I agree with your statement, however it’s true for men as well. When we do communicate it’s often interpreted as weak and then she starts losing interest and the whole thing falls apart anyway. There are a lot of sensitive and communicative men out there who have been trained by women and dating practices to act a certain way. The best relationships I’ve had were the ones where I didn’t have deep feelings for them. It’s so sad on so many levels.
@@edover50 That is so sad that you felt the relationships were good because there were no profound feelings... I see that time and time again: men seem to prefer 'safe' relationships, without deep emotional investments. I say men, because I don't personally know any woman, who would prefer a 'safe' 'buddies only' no attraction relationship.. The whole point of attraction between men and women is to go deeper into oneself and learn more while learning to appreciate and help the other person as well.
NarnianLady I totally agree with your comments. Perhaps it’s about attracting the wrong person whom it’s easier to be yourself with as opposed to the right person who gives you all the intense emotions that prevent us from being ourselves. It seems logical to just relax and be yourself.... unfortunately the emotional reaction was in some ways overwhelming. Perhaps there is a sweet spot somewhere in between
This video is GOLD. Seriously the best take I’ve ever heard on this...ever. I met a girl and have been talking to her for a few months. She’s a very sweet girl, but she confided in me, one time, that her father left the family at a young age and she suffers from anxiety and depression. And I know she has self-esteem issues from seeing a few of her social media posts from a while back. Anyway, things were great up until a few weeks ago, and then she just went cold and distant for absolutely no reason. I said nothing offensive, and our last message was pure laughter and joking. But she has been hot and cold since then, but I’m just staying patient and light with her, because she’s probably just terrified of me possibly hurting her. She’s starting to come around again, so I know it isn’t me, but like you said, all situations are different. If I would’ve listened to a few other male coaches on here, they just advise to stop talking when this happens and basically don’t look back. Sorry, but I think that’s shitty advise. The girl is obviously sensitive and has some issues, so I don’t think abandoning her and giving her the cold shoulder (like she’s probably expecting me to do, because her Dad did) is the best course of action.
Hi Susan.. Thank you for changing my life.. I was down and feeling so sorry for myself after narcissistic abuse.. Watched hours and hours of videos to try and find answers until I found your channel. I am watching your videos over and over to ensure that I take in every word you say.. Today I am healed, no more self pity and have attracted a wonderful lady that I totally adore. Without your help and guidance this would not have been possible.. Thank you thank you.. May you be blessed, you are a very special person..
Such a great video, we are so quick to pull the trigger on labelling and holding back. I’ve been in a couple of relationships where early on I felt hyper excited and a little confused at juggling the intense feelings. I sat down with my partner and told them how all my emotions and senses are hyper and I just need time with them to let everything settle down to where I feel more like myself. That in itself caused confusion for them....and then the games started. Not sure what the answer is, but I feel that honest/open communication must be maintained...
Ed Over50 I think people are so used to games that even when someone is being genuine they assume its strategic. If only we could all be open, honest, and genuine with each other.
True. And people fear most when they hear something like 'I don't know where this is going'. Common advise would be to do things to get you to commit faster, fall in love deeper, or leave in case you're really just a player. It's like, no one knows how to respond to that... Those who can say, 'yes, that's how I feel too, let's take it a little slower for now' and actually mean it, will not be an issue. But I think people are taught to say that even if that's not what they are thinking. They might be more like, 'but why? I think all this is great, I'm starting to fall in love with you, and now you want out?'... it really triggers them and they go all crazy. It's not easy to deal with that kind of feelings...
That way of communicating sounds a little bit scary to a female frankly. I suggest you don't say it like you are overstimulated and need to spend more time with them to calm down. You might feel that way but imagine how a woman would feel being told that, if you can. I would feel pressured by a nut to put it bluntly to spend time with him or else. It sounds like a roundabout threat.
Thank you Susan for another brilliant video. I think it's soo much easier to play the blame game, try to identify a problem, and then attempt to fix it rather than face any kind of dissapointment, or work on our own self esteem.
I really really LOVE listening to you, Susan! Sad but true, I see myself in so many of these behaviors... and it all comes back to one thing: fear. You always give me a LOT to think about. So thank YOU!
But even someone being confused is a red flag, isn't it? Don't we want someone who's as clear as we are when we meet them? Learning recently to give at least 3 months and if it's not going anywhere, you know what to do
Susan, you are the greatest! Can you please do a video on when to stop hoping someone will change, come back etc? I think we get stuck on idealizing someone and it’s hard to break this thought pattern, even after time has passed, we’ve tried dating others, all of the “right” things you’re supposed to do. Thank you so much 💜
I date a man on the spectrum. High functioning mechanical engineer. However.. we run into issues at times. He does not always understanding my point and I sometimes don't understand him. Its a work in progress. Nothing here is done intentionally to hurt one another. There is a breakdown in communication sometimes. The neuro typical brain is not wired like an autistic brain. He is the most interesting man I've ever met. 💗
and sometimes they will text, but they are really hiding behind those texts (and they might not actually mean what they are texting). Look at how the person acts when you are together. I think that is the most accurate sign of how that person feels about you. If they treat you with respect when you are together and they pull away for awhile I think they are interested, but they just need some time.
This is such a good explanation...Sometimes we can mess things up and make a problem out of assumptions in our head that’s not even there to begin with...Everyone has there own history to figure out and how to deal with...
Oh my god..this made my day...i did screw up a very dear friend of mine...i did put on him a lot of my confusions and he was so mad at me.. But yeah...this video made me understand that i have to get rid of my internal conflicts first...and only then..i will be able to keep people around me happy...thank u for this video mam!!!
I sadly always think in black & white terms. even knowing the gray exists! But thanks for the reminder to look at odd behavior the gray way & ask what's going on. :)
Your so brilliant Susan I love your advice . I’m a 57 year old English guy who’s had a few relationships over the years but you hit the truth , in a very warm caring way . Keep up the good work Susan . X
Susan, you are gold! 💜 That is why I recently stopped talking to my friends about this guy I am dating, because my friends are simply mirroring their own experiences and want to protect me by expecting the worst.
Regarding after the post breakup, i appreciate your approach it’s like don’t stick around don’t wallow in ‘hope’ stop waiting about for someone has moved on already.
I wish my ex-boyfriend knew this. Instead, he communicated his feelings at the last minute with the decision to break-up. He just assumed and took cues, then moved on while still in a relationship with me. We were together for seven years.
"Maybe, a person wants you, but they feel like they will disappoint you." Mmm...That's right on time, Madam. You're like a 2nd Mom with this Wisdom. A Woman I truly Love has more or less spoken about possibly disappointing me in the Future multiple times. I keep reassuring her that it won't happen and that she doesn't understand how much I Love her. She's beginning to accept certain things and understand why I do. She's opened up often about Hurts in her Past.
Hi, Susan Thank you. I got a divorce, he gave me time. Now he's getting a divorce. I need to respect his space and give him time to be settled in his mind.
When the “confusing behavior” is displayed over a long period of time, 6months, a year or years, with open and caring conversations about it occasionally, and the behavior is “explained” and then it eventually crops up again and again. Sorry, this person is selfish, not improving and not equipped to date seriously.
Kisses back at u 😘 you are amazing and such an inspiration. The clarity with which you explain complex behaviour in such simple ways is so helpful. Thank you
If you boyfriend is going through a lot, depression work etc...and you guys have talked and he’s trying to better life/ improve himself but hasn’t been talking to you, I do believe it’s ok to give him some space for some days but what would be the best approach this ? Because of course in a relationship this can’t go on forever and he’s in a tough place to compromise right now so I did want to give him time. I also don’t want to loose him but I need to take into account my feelings too. I do 100% agree with everything you said in this video so I’ve been empathetic and understanding. Just trying to figure where to go from here in the future.
@@julievigneron4661 he ended up getting back with his ex. Moral of the story don’t waste your time for someone who needs to “work on themself” go your way if they come back don’t make it easy for them. If they are willing to loose you they aren’t in love with you. And mostly like they would make it work with someone else.
@@YoursonlyFatima I'm really sorry to hear that 😔 But indeed we have to never forget that someone who loves us will always make the effort to spend time with us no matter what. I don't want to rush things as our relationship is new and the pandemic makes things even more complicated, but I will try to make sure that I'm not wasting my time... I wish you all the best for your love life!!!
I’m not 100 percent sold on this .. yes I think at time confusing behavior can be a multitude of things . An empathetic approach might be what’s called for . However I was in a relationship for 4 years. The confusion landed me at doctors office with migraines .. when I would ask about our future he would say we argue to much.. I said I’m the person your arguing with and I’m the one asking .. we would argue because he would lie about things.. anyway I left him almost a year ago . Confusing behavior for 4 years . I think there’s a time limit on that ..
Hear you loud and clear Susan, but... I think the reason this stuff takes place in 1st place is because there's a lot of bad advice out there. Not only that, but... a lot of times, he/she might get bad advice from their friends, and/or parents. Or, maybe they are relying on their own intuition, which may be a false fear. Anyway, I would love to know what you think of this statement. Do you agree or disagree? ;-)
I agree completely. 'Friends' often destroy relationships by creating irrational fears and reactivity. They mean to help, but offer the worst (most negative) guidance.
I'm going through exactly this right now. First came the friendly texts, then silence, then I reacted angrily, then he continued the silence but always reading my messages. In the end I said hope to catch up with you soon, it will be great to have a conversation.
This helped me so much! Made the mistake of seeing ex again after he dumped me over the holidays. I went indefinite no contact and he contacted me three weeks ago. I have successfully moved forward but stupidly went back to talking to him then we hooked up. All the things you were saying hit home. He doesn’t know what he wants and my fear is I am everything he wants just not in the right colored package...he only wants to be friends so he says but I’m having a hard time my interpreting that as being the token hot black girl he gets to bang...he never tells me nor did he ever tell me how he flees or felt when we dated. Nothing has changed except he wants to do right by me and be friends. I am adamant about not being friends because we never were-we met online. He is confusing and I am trying not to be reactive like I used to be so I’m choosing silence again. Apparently that works for him-I was silent for almost 2 1/2 months...I hate the game he plays, I don’t know how to get out of it. 🥺 I hate that I still love him. I go with my gut but it fails me and then makes me confused too. I just don’t know anymore.
I love your videos and thoughtful approach. However I have to disagree with some points in that people do know what they are doing and are quite conscious of it. Men know how to act to attract you, it wasn’t like the guy was indifferent to you in order to pick you up. The hot and cold may be an internal thing but it is because they are “deciding” or have other factors such as another woman or not wanting a relationship that creates the issues. You can ask them what’s wrong but if they are acting distant or even a bit hostile. It really doesn’t matter why, they didn’t consider you important enough to tell you they needed space or weren’t interested in anything beyond sex. Also you probably won’t get a straight answer anyway.
Hi, Susan, I understand what you are saying but this is all confusing and this is the reason why relationships do not seem to work, I have NO time to figure out somebody else's Rubik's Cube for emotions, it's either you like me or you don't. Subconsciously or unconsciously NOT MY PROBLEM!!! UK
Can you do a video on how and when to express your own deepening feelings of affection and love. When is too early, or too late to tell someone you have feelings? And what does it mean when your partner says things like..." I am failing for you" etc, etc, etc.and you do not reciprocate? It is so hard to figure all this out.
Thank you Susan for this video . I had this happen to me in the past and that would explain why they were confused. I didn't know and I did know what to do Your great Susan that you educate us on it.
Thank you !!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much. Its kinda what i thought and after a really long time i figured for myself.But you just reassured me , and helps me clarify what my strategy should be xoxo
For example, if a guy is interested in you and has inconsistent behaviors. Guess what, he turned to chase other women while playing hot and cold with me, should I give them the benefit of doubt?
Susan Susan ,are you talking to me ?! I needed this to hold on to someone I like a lot and I want to believe his intention are real and honest but his just confuse at the moment and he doesn’t want commitment. I gave him space but I check on him any now and then and he replies back as polite as he is ..
Thank you for your videos! Why is it difficult for someone to identify their emotions? I am dealing with someone who can't be honest with how they feel.
My gf recently started working in a spa, as a massage girl. I never been very jealous, but this is killing me. She is very jealous though.. I cannot talk to other women, I cannot go to massage alone.. if I do ww3 wtf? What can I do? She do the hot and cold all the time now.
I have learned if I get tripped up with asking a question to my man.. I ask the question with the thought of they are a friend instead ...takes the nervousness out of the equation..
