Dismissive Avoidant: How to tell when an avoidant is done for good | Coach Court 

My experience is that because they are completely incapable of any type of healthy communication, they just become meaner and meaner to push you to break up with them

Avoidant’s inability to communicate properly is not my problem. A secure person will tell you to you’re face if they are unhappy or not. Do the work to make yourself secure

For starters, I am NOT contacting her lol! Managing a relationship with a dismissive avoidant was the most emasculating experience of my life.

Find someone more physically and emotionally attractive

Poor communication and then they get upset because you didn’t understand them. Crazy making imo

Give what you get. If they dont want to be bothered give them the space they obviously desire.

They wi;; never take ownership for their wrong doings.They only point out flaws, minor flaws.The glass is always half full.

Absolutly spot on. A Dissmisive Avoidant often tells you things and can't always be obvious as they don't explain very well. It's in hindsight when you look back, they told you what is what and it all falls into place. Awesome video!

Seriously??? You're crazy! 3 months of no contact and you think a dismissive avoidant as checked out and gone for good?? A true dismissive avoidant usually doesn't start to process a break up for at LEAST 6 months, usually longer. If you contact a DA after only 3 months, it's not going to be nice. A DA has had years to learn coping skills and it takes them longer to process their emotions. The very best thing anyone can do when dealing with a DA, is to go about your business and start the process of getting over them. Disappear off social media and let them start to wonder what you are up to, but by all means, don't contact them at 3 months, because they will see this a pressure. A dismissive avoidant leaves because they place more importance on their freedom than relationships. So give them what they want, freedom and let them stew.

I've dated 2 DA. They come back when it's too late. I'm AA. Just broke up with my 3rd DA. I realized I needed to fix my AA style and am doing very hard work.

Those are literally the ones that wait until a few years down the line or until they’re actually ready for something serious to realize damn I had a good person I miss them and come back😂 but by then it’s like you have to be fully over them

My DA warmed back up twice after extended deactivation and separation- both times he said he was done. I would reach out periodically every 2-4 months to check in. Once he responded at the 8 month point and the other time at the 9 month point. (No social media in our case.) Sometimes the DA shut downs aren’t directly related to you and in time and space, they recognize that. They recognize their part in the relationship rupture. Also after months, they have time to feel their feelings for you again and for their feelings to override their fears. It is a VERY slow and long process to reconcile with the DA. It takes an abundance of time and trust building. And the more DA they are, the longer it takes. Six months is no definite indication that the DA is done, especially when you share a strong bond and emotional connection.

0:50 1. It's been 3 months of no contact & you contact but they're still cold & distant. They've moved on & you should move on. 2:30 2. They're in a different relationship & make it public. 4:00 3. They told you what they didn't like about the relationship but you didn't pay attention.

All I can say is wow. From all this he’s definitely gone forever! It’s definitely been hard. Spending 10 years with a dismissive avoidant has done a number. I sure hope it doesn’t take me 2.5-5years to get over him. But honestly I can see how it could 😢

The timing of this couldn’t be more perfect! 🙏🏼

I think avoidants have a small group of trusted friends they value their opinion and some of the actions are rooted in uncertaintiy of the group accepting the person they're dating. The DA's never really there all along, just for some highlights and magic moment but not the long walk...it's like someone watching the NBA playoff and pressing phone all through the game.

Coach, I appreciate your direct style. I think that sometimes, for those who find it difficult to move on after the normal timeframe, is because they were in fact dealing, not with an avoidant, but a narcissist. Oftentimes, this "avoidant", disguised as a narcissist, will breadcrumb their ex, who is likely an anxious attached with low self-esteem and or co-dependant. There isn't direct contact, but they will post on social media containing information that only their ex will understand, the hidden message contained within it, for example. This sounds crazy, but, It's true, and can drive someone to feel crazy. Anyway, thanks again.

I went six months without hearing from him after dating for a year and a half , I reached out and said happy birthday he responded and we got back together , now we are still back together and it's been a year and a half since then so it's three years total not counting that six months of no contact

DAs sometimes say things in the heat of the moment that they don’t mean. Feelings change over time and they do miss you. Give it time.

Just a confirmation I needed from the Holy spirit.. Thank you.

Avoidants are done from day one of a relationship.

Your videos are helping me so much. We blocked eachother off everything, they were DA i am AP. Its a sign for me to move on

Who would even want someone like that in your life ? 😂

Thanks for this video! It's been over four years, since he ended things and I haven't been able to move on. I'm a FA, and I've been kinda stuck, hoping things might work out cause there was never any closure from his side. I tried reaching out once but he seemed indifferent and cold and this led me to ghost him instead. But I have apologised and done my part, now I really wish for both of us to find healing.

This resonates with me so much right now. My ex is an Avoidant and finialy opened up, a few weeks later she decided to leave out of the blue. Her friends have contacted me several times about everything because to all of us it made no sence, they found out she cheated and told me yesterday. Somtimes you need to really walk away and not see things through roast coloured glasses. The only problem I have now, is that I still care for them.

Three months ago I began casually dating a woman I knew as an acquaintance 37 years ago. Since then we had become friends on social media. Recently we met at an event and agreed to get together for dinner. We really clicked and started dating. The relationship was very physical from the get go. Everything seem to be going great until one night when she was at my place, I said something to her that she thought meant I wanted to move forward in the relationship. I told her that she misunderstood what I said, but it didn't matter. The next day she pulled away hard. She said she was confused and needed space. About a week later she said she wanted to get together and talk but she kicked that can down the road for three more weeks. I backed off and gave her space the whole time. Finally she called and said she wanted to get together and talk. So I picked her up and we went to get a bite to eat. She rattled off a few things that I had said that bothered her. One thing was that she said I talked about my ex a lot. I told her I didn't realize that, but she talked about her ex a lot also. On the way home in the car I said "Well, what do you want to do?" and she said "Do you want to start over? We can start over." And I said sure. She grabbed my hand, kissed it and held it all the way home...Since then, she won't take or return my calls and will only respond to my texts. She will rarely initiate contact. But her texts responses are very flirtatious, saying "Can't wait to get together" and "talk soon", calling me baby, honey and sweetheart with lots of hearts and kisses emojis. But these things never happen because she won't commit to meeting up. It's the most extreme breadcrumbing you could imagine. It wasn't until about a week ago that I started finding out about avoidant attachment styles...Now it's all starting to make sense. This experience has been so shocking, painful and confusing but at least now I know it's not all my fault.

I’m a Secure leaning Dismissive - and I approve this message. 💯💯💯💯☑️☑️☑️

You have saved my life.

They never move on in their minds but not usually into a healthy long lasting relationship bc they’re incapable of connecting on an emotional level and it’s this push pull affect that no one is capable of withstanding neither themselves. They need to distance themselves when they’re having feelings bc they cannot go any further bc they’re afraid of being cut off themselves so they pull out of it. It’s a real mind game and is very toxic.

My experience is that the only difference between an Avoidant and a Narcissist - and I have plenty of hands on experience as it seems these are the only creatures I attract - is that the Narc has other situationships going on simultaneously while with you. Tried/lied my best to find some major saving grace (reason to be with the Avoidant), but there aren't any. Crumbs are just that.

No one has ever fucked me up so bad

Thank you Coach Court! Amazing channel. Appreciate you...

Thats why its important to vette them thoroughly. If i would have known she was a DA i would have stayed far away. Not worth the headache or heartbreak. Hindsights always 20 20.

Avoidants do not communicate their feelings and what they need. They gaslight and will tell you they love you and as soon as you tell them you love them, they run and don’t want the relationship.

I'm a healing avoidant and I also predominantly date avoidants. I've been on both sides. I think the shocker comes in when I'm just out...indefinitely. The things I let "roll off my shoulders" actually gets compartmentalized in my head and chances are, I've already broken up with you 15 times already. I'm ready to go. I will bow out gracefully, heartbroken and all. It definitely surprises men because I'm considered "so nice and understanding" but don't play with me. I pick up on everything and there will be no fighting. I'll just be gone.

This video illustrates how much of a total loser I am. Omg. What am I gonna do? Why did I let this happen to meee??? 😭

Don’t be delusional 🥰 such good advice

Mine had a new relationship before he even got fully rid of me sooo I think he’s more than just an avoidant!!

I dated someone for 3 weeks and he’s ended it to heal, go to therapy and try to tackle his DA. I hope I wasn’t a rebound, I don’t know. But I’m proud of him taking the steps to heal. I hope he comes back to me. None of the things in this video apply to my situation with him which makes me hopeful too

I was with this person 9 years. She broke up with me out the blue a year ago and she cut off contact %100 6 months ago by blocking me. I'm doing better but still not over her. Every now and then i randomly break down and cry. I meditate everyday and I've been working out more lately keeping myself busy but I'm still having trouble getting over. I've dated other people and still deep down I'm still in love with her. I don't sit around thinking about her but sometimes I get reminded of her and most of the time I just move passed it but sometimes I get overly emotional. I still miss her as much as I don't want to. I'm dating someone right now and still I can't completely shake her.

This really help. Thank you.

4:24 I almost yelled outloud WHHHYYYY!!???!! Why would I just wake up in the morning and think, "You know what sounds fun? Sending a YT link to my Partner just to nag them!" NOOO! No, DA's we're begging you to wake up before it's too late, deal with the hard stuff NOW so we can move on to the fun stuff! AHHHHHH! 🤯 Coach Court, you are brave Sir I couldn't do it. I'm an FA, no I was an FA until I fell for a DA after years with a DA I'm an AA.

You know I think men and women are confused as to who should be the one pursued. Women like to be pursued but not stalked. Men like to be submitted to but not manipulated.

If they are flaunting the next one, they are frontin with themselves

It took a week of no contact. We had an amazing conversation 😅but then he went silent again. I’m just going to keep working on me and my goals and enjoying the times we do connect and not have any expectations. And if someone else comes along I’ll let him know 😃I’m practicing abstinence so he already knows it isn’t gonna be physical unless he’s serious for a while

I didn’t wait even a week. I told him I have to honor my needs while respecting his needs but I need to walk away because I love myself.

I hope most people here (that still struggle with emotional.pain after dealing with this people) are seeing a therapist. Because there is need for working on yourselves. Dealing with this situation will repeat if you dont take care of the thing that makes you attach to this kind of people.

Hey about they don't deserve a good loving compassionate patient person. Their loss not mine !! The DA that doesn't know their a DA is a heart breaking cycle. How about WE ARE DONE WITH THEIR BS AND BREADCRUMBS

Did a month of no contact to clear my head. He reached out but no resolution. Finally i ended things since he has no plans of changing. Now he's ignoring me and is angry as if it's my fault

Found this video very helpful.

Were they ever checked in in a relationship?

He wrote HB in my timeline 2mos ago... before that a like in my post 3 mos before...saw him at a Legion luncheon...& Decisively ignored him. ..still friends on Facebook but decided NOT to write on his timeline (his birthday today)... feels good we live in a small town I refuse to avoid people places etc...because of him.... I'm no WUSS It's been a year....👍

This hurt to think about especially the last one... but I have to hear it. 😢damn

I'm a DA female. Respect is held in higher regards than love. I keep a mental list of possible signs of betrayal. I'll tell my partner "This happened & I felt uncomfortable". If the list continues to grows, my self-respect & respect for him dwindles. To regain my self respect, I end the relationship. Why is it so easy? I checked out a year before the breakup.

How can they be done when they are part of the issue of and unable to communicate. I'm not the mind reader and when we both went to a therapist, the therapist said what he was asking you sounds like an excuse which why he doesn't want to commit. So no he always keep coming back there has to be compromises made in a relationship from the both party.

December 2023, he broke up with me and returned the engagement ring he never used to pop the question. I instantly shut down bc of the mixed signals. He cried in regret saying sorry but there was something off about his sorry. I tried no contact for three months. He would reach out here and there and i would respond with short responses. In that third month i did start responding with warmer responses. Month four he met a total stranger on a cruise. Six months after (3months after increase of communication) he’s posting up pictures of him and his new rebound. I realized I wasn’t convinced over his sorry bc it wasn’t accountability. He just wanted to stop feeling pain and would have said anything but take accountability. I am crushed.

Not what I wanted to hear…thanks Court 👍

He came back after 10 years. Drove 10 hours to see me. Took me out for lunch. When I wouldn’t kiss him as he kissed me on the forehead and face (because I’m FA and I was trying to move slower and kind of freaking out, though I love him more than anything and wanted to) he ghosted again!😂 What the actual heck😂 I never remarried by choice. Always wanted him. That’s been a tough one though I’ve dated, and tried so hard to move on, but he checks all the boxes (except communication) which is like a fire extinguisher. If he wasn’t such a quitter it would be different. I’m ready to finally dare to find those checked boxes with someone wonderful and stop sabotaging myself.

My avoidant broke up with me and then a month later they got into a relationship and know they are doing all the right thing like communicating and setting boundaries and talking about how the both have flaws and all but when i pointed that that they did nothing in the relationship and apparently it was all my fault and not there's i hate avoidants

Im guilty of 3rd didnt take cues. Said sorry alot he came last time after 8 months now im blocked. Do you think there is any chance coach?

Wait… 3-6 months for every year you’ve been together? That would be like 3-6 years for me since I was in a relationship with my significant other for 13 years :’(

I think the most hardest thing was he ghosted, no closure.. but they'd ignore you, yet they put it so u can't message them yet not block.. I learnt from him a lesson, did he make me happy. After that I started to move past that.

Hello Dear, how long does it take for an avoidant to commit ??

I told mine fu and he had a breakdown. I was upset with him ghosting me mid conversation and informed him gently. I was honestly worried about his safety and he snapped. 😢😊 confusing

Well, my female DA blocked me on everything again, however she keeps tabs on me from her 2nd account. Like, what the hell? I thought we're done for good.

In truth, no contact has worked for me most of the time, but it takes months or even a year or two. Never keep their place on hold though.

My DA has this evil split personality after each time we spend a night together. He broke up over and over before I left out the door. Disgusting. I hate the disorder, but I really love his true person.

How can I tell? When I walk away and drop them in response to their first pull away. No tolerance for these people.

Man! I was dating an avoidant for a couple months. We started talking around this past Christmas. We just recently stopped talking. Red flags all around! My friends warned me about her and her ways. We only communicated on Snapchat ever since we started talking and dating! Never bought up giving out our numbers or any other social media accounts. Everyone was like why!?

I’m secure now that I left a da we have kids I want nothing to do with him because of the toxic being that he is.

I want to reach out at the 3 month mark but even my therapist says not to do it to respect his mental health. I know now what I did wrong and obviously my avoidant ex held back until it bubbled over to a blindsided break up. We were compatible on impossible levels, I don't want to let go...

I came to conclusion that my ex was a DA and I’m AA Ruin my mental health i never been insecure to a relationship before and anxious . I thought i just being crazy. He dumped me because i was too codependent, can’t give what i want. Telling me I’m too good for him he doesn’t deserve me. But thing he left me for 28weeks pregnant and told me like relationship was whirlwind and way too fast. He just can’t handle the pressure of the relationship when i ask for communication he just ignoring it stonewalling. He came back and i feel so anxious again hot & cold

Why would someone be checking for someone who is avoidant is first place😩

my ex DA, no emotional inteligence! drama creator netflix Addict! Will no longer be allowed to shorten my life

Hey coach.. I have a question.. if my DA ex said she thinks our relationship was toxic and held alot of things I did unintentionally to trigger her against me.. until she finally decided to break up.. is that a sign that the relationship is done forever?

What if they are hiding the new relationship from you? Almost like they dont want you to move on??

This make me really sad. We were gonna get married. 💔😔

What if they got into a rebound relationship and you break no contact and they wanna stay as friends?

DA’s have a very hard time moving on IF they had a deep emotional connection and attachment with you. That is uncommon for them and they don’t take commitment lightly. It takes several months for them to face their feelings, but if you had a strong foundation with them, there is a good chance they will come back- however you will need to initiate contact.

I was with my husband for 9yrs. Lived with him for 7 yrs. We separated 2 yrs ago but got back together after 10 months of being separated. It was awesome n we were taking small steps. After 8 months of reconciliation he ghosted me. I tried reaching out and ask him what happened. He said he didnt know what he wanted for the future. Now we're really not talking for 7 months. My marriage means a lot to me so doing work on myself n being patient. I walk with God daily for motivation purposes 🙏

When I reverse engineered I think the nail in the coffin was my talk of wanting to make a fuss for her birthday on Dec 22. She had said "I don't do xmas and don't do birthdays" Two days before her energy changed, there had been a convo on the couch where I said to her "did you not want to know what my plans were gonna be for your birthday". She rolled her eyes and said "I don't need to know"..I didn't piece it together at the time..she was trying to communicate don't be making plans..don't be getting to comfy. Maybe because I was just mr right now or she felt pressure, and a possible obligation to reciprocate at xmas. She did have 3 of her own kids to buy for at xmas. Was only after getting a frosty unavailable text reply a couple days later..then after I gave some her space... "sorry don't think we're compatible" text from her

Please help. He ghosted me after 4+ months of consistent communication (NO fights or friction whatsoever). I was shocked and sent him follow-up texts and a voice note and called him once. He didn't seem phased at all by it and continued to ghost me while also watching all my Whatsapp and Fb stories. It was tormenting me so I had to block him on Fb. It's been almost 1 month of No Contact and I realized that he's now using an old Fb alt account he has. I've never seen him use it before (it has posts from 2021-2022). What does this mean?

I have contacted my avoidant ex after 2.5 months of no contact. He was happy to hear from me (we had a rather nice breakup, no hard feelings), but he said that for now he is good by himself & looking for a non-serious relationship only. Not my cup of tea... When we were together he wanted a serious one...I am confused, how a guy sweeps from one another in such short period of time... It's time to really move on for me.

3-6 months for every year… That means about 6 - 11 years for me. 😅 which wouldn’t surprise me because my ex is neurodivergent with ADHD and has been known to build years long emotional walls. Oh who am I kidding? Of course I would wait for her that long. ❤ besides, according to her she took 10 years to break up with me.

So if they communicated their issues prior to the breakup they won’t be open to reconciling?

He keeps coming back even though he just had a baby

Maybe it is good if the avoidant has moved on. We can at least have clarity now and move on ourselves.

Hurts to hear. But she did move in with a new guy within 5 months of us breaking up. She's an avoidant, I think she's afraid of commitment

Yup yup correct

My DA ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago (he blocked me from Instagram only ) I did reached out to him after 5 weeks of nc I send him an apology text he responded and apologized too but he ghosted me again then week later I send him videos about DA and AP personalities he didn't reply as usual , finally I asked him to block me from everywhere he did I'm in pain like he just broke up with me

I was done with the in and out so I unfollowed him on everything and then he BLOCKED me on everything, Why would he do this?? 😂😂😂😂 I don't understand

“3 to 6 months to heal per year of the relationship…” It’s going to take me 11 YEARS to get over my ex???

Meaning if i spent 8 years on a serious relationship for me to heal 3*8=24 months ! 2 years of healing, lets go , i am at 7 months ! hahahahaha

I disagree to a point. I find an avoidant will take at least 6 months to reach out. They need to have rebounds, ONS, and once a few of them have not worked out, they will test the waters with you. If you are really worried and really want them back, don't fear, just give it time, it only takes 6 to 12 months for any of their relationships to fail. If you meant something, you will always be an option. You're always the phantom ex.

What if they didn't want a no contact and wanted to be friends. And its been a week.

90 days isn't long enough, especially if you are a woman and the avoidant is a man. Maybe if you are the man and the avoidant is a woman, 90 days means she's done probably.

Mine came back after 1yr

please coach I need ur advice and guidance I was with a DA I believe for 3 years I never meet his family or only some of his freinds when I mentioned him about commitment he will always say he's not ready he always say that I'm very emotional he broke up with me twice the first time was for 1 month now it's been 6 months we still see each other and speak and he still keeps our display picture up in his WhatsApp of the two of us I told him to delete it if he feels like we are done 100 percent but he won't I'm so lost confused and hurting please can you advice also he tells me he does not see a future with me but still says that there is still alot of love and attraction I'm helpless frustrated and can't move on the intamacy stopped about a year into our relationship from his side and I always felt like coz I was not good enough he blamed it on stress and the pandemic we was together 3 years please advice please help I have been chasing him like crazy and I'm so tierd

Move onnnnnnnn

Yay, they should never come back to do more damage.