DO THIS to stop ruminating about the narcissist 

So true across the planet! Love and light from Holland🇳🇱

Good tip!!

My tip would be jogging and walking. Whenever my memories take over i go for a walk, sometimes as many as 25 km and i feel better after.

Music is a huge coping skill for me too

Miss Carolyn, I Do,,do this! Especially if I find myself doing chores an my mind wonders to my 35yr.marriage with my X that he destroyed. I quickly go to my radio an turn it on....and all of sudden I'm humming/ singing an *Not Thinkin* about what he did to me.

Great advice, thank you for instilling hope; healing happens when we let it and we all adapt differently…I’m 1.5years post D and also ruminating but not remotely as before…❤️‍🩹

❤after 22 years I'm heading on that direction as well. Loving myself for real thus time! Congrats 🎉

So happy for you that you left and found so many other positive things in your life to divert your energy into!

This is excellent advice, and exactly what I intended to do when I ended my 39 year marriage in March 2020 😅. Unfortunately, the global pandemic derailed my original plans, and I spent an awful lot of time on the sofa with my cats, ruminating for hours on end! I agree that trying to keep busy with new activities and challenges, and learning something new is very helpful in redirecting your thoughts. Gradual reduction in rumination is an improvement, and over time, I find that I have felt less distressed and more able to move on with my life.

This is such great advice...thank you!

Yes. Absolutely.

For many years I had thought of it as emotional damage or emotional scars, neither of which go away. Only recently did I realize these are PTSD symptoms.

good one

You're absolutely right. I'm currently in a toxic work situation (it might be strong to call those involved narcissists, but certainly there are some shared traits), and it's so tempting to figure out WHY they do what they do. I have to start getting over any expectation that I'll ever figure it out. I probably won't. I can only know my own reality. But I think as an empathetic person especially, I want to try understanding why someone would say or do certain things. Because that's the type of person they are. Or maybe there is a deeper reason, but honestly, even if there is, that doesn't erase how I feel about it. We can only know our own realities. ETA: Which isn't to say we can't be empathetic. For instance, I do think the people involved are under a lot of stress, and I do understand that and can keep that in mind. But then that's what I need to do, as opposed to ruminating on all of the layers. "They had a bad day and took it out on me." Nice? No. Worth losing sleep over? No.

Thank you, Ellie.❤ You've described what my rumination represents and feels like perfectly, a deep desire to make sense of it.. Congratulations on overcoming this hurdle in healing! 🎉 I hope my ability to do the same comes along one day too.. ❤🦋🕊

I'm doing this too because the discovery is recent. I don't want to keep doing this. It is robbing me of sleep and everything else. The thing is, I don't think it's ever going to make sense. It's like a tornado. The tornado doesn't need a reason or justification: it just does what it does. destroys what it destroys.

Dealing with this dam ruminating 🤦‍♀️ making sense of it all blows my mind, and then the races begin...

I think you are right about this. I took a screenshot of your comment to stick in my journal. Thank you Ellie and thanks Dr. Ramani for all your work.

@Lederius18 Thank you for your comment. I am going on 3 months of NO contact with my N-Mother. I think you explained my frustration well, "I ruminate about trying to make sense of something that will never make sense." There never will be a meeting of the minds with my N-Mother. She will NEVER see my pain, or her role in the demise of our relationship. You are at 8 Months now...I hope everyone in our position feel better, stronger and more enlightened as time goes on and NO Contact stays in place. Thank you again.

or that the narc will find you!

My fear is that they treat their next partner much better, because in their head that partner is wife/husband material. They are beautiful,rich, powerful,smart etc... That is the ideal partner for a narcissist. They treat them with respect and love

@@stardust5278 its always extractive. But yeah, the more effective the codependence the more ideal they will be able to make it look

It’s most definitely is firm of pstd

how do you deal with it?

Hubby does same for me. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Same here. So grateful for my wife and trust me, I tell her so.

My husband too ❤

Good Idea. I never thought of that

I've literally started doing this and it really freeing. I'm loving it!

I do believe I will try this! Thank you for sharing!

Writing it down has the same affect :) just incase you don't want to speak. Sometimes using physical words can be exhausting so writing can work better for some.

Interesting... I've never thought of that before, maybe I will try it out...

I don't think I can do this... it's too hard

Any reaction to PureOCD is like urticaria, skin rash - it gets worse when you scratch it. If you leave it be, it still has itch but it calms and sooths down on its own in its own time. Jung said what you resist, persist. Also, by nitpicking our thoughts we signal our brain that we are faulty, inept, stupid, unworthy, in danger, weak, abnormal - basically we are spiraling down into deep pits of toxic shame and mental instability. Our thoughts are not sick, our thought patterns are not abnormal and no, we are not weak. What we experience is re-traumatization and it is caused by abnormal people, psychopaths who act like normal human beings and introject their illness into our self pathology attempts. Our rumination is totally normal reaction to immensely abnormal, twisted, inept, weak, psychopathic, fake, toxic people around us.

That’s good. I’ll remember this

Good advise

Great idea!

💕

I did the same recently to a friend. She was great at listening to me and supporting me but the next time we’re together it’s going to be all about her.

Thank you. That is really helpful advise to me.

@MissIncognito good luck! You got this :)

Thank you, kindly. I feel like you have touched on something. It fits. It does feel like a suppressing of sorts. I like your suggestion. It feels like then I am giving the deeper emotions acknowledgement... which is possibly what I actually need instead of ruminating.. ❤ So insightful!

@@erinseward Ruminating is often our brain’s way of trying to solve a problem, but this is one that doesn’t need solving, it just needs accepting. And we can learn to accept easier if we work through our emotions. Pete Walker coined the term “left brain dissociation”, referring to how some people like to “think” their way out of their feelings. I’m 100% one of those people! My feelings are often overwhelming so I try to avoid them by intellectualizing and over thinking. That’s what led me to this solution for ruminating!

@@meowmirrr Thank you. I think I do the same thing. This has been helpful...💛 I want to look into more of Peter's work

😔

Ruminating on a narcissist will never clarify or help understand that which is not understandable.

I do understand it is so hard & I thought that actually making the decision & leaving was the hard part...NOT! but we will get there

Chris, it's not you and only you. I know this is what the world wants us to believe about ourselves, but abuse imprints itself onto us in a way that we don't have control of. We can & have to move ourselves through it, but it is absolutely not your fault or your responsibility that you feel like shit. Narcissistic abuse is no joke.

I might be mistaken but I detect a hint of shame in your comment. Like you feel you shouldn't feel the way you do because it's up to you. It's not really up to you. If someone jumps out in front of your car, you will swerve. People affect other people and we can't control every reaction we have. A narcissist is basically poisoning you. Because you're a healthy person, you feel like shit after being poisoned. It's not something you can control. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling bad in response to being poisoned. It takes time to heal.

To feel like them... lol

@@thequietinside3201 I experienced the worst of the ruminating years after the horrific abuse that was physical and emotional by my only sibling, my brother. I kept my mind in a place still trying to excuse his abuse and think of him as the big brother I only wanted him to be. Finally, years later it hit me with the reality of the abuse I had endured. It took years for me to get mad. I held it in because my mother taught me to be quiet about these awful things. I am talking about his abuse of children and his attempt to murder me because I knew about it. Now, I am furious and PTSD with horrible dreams. A human being cannot abuse themselves by taking responsibility for feeling what comes with abuse upon them. We try things to distract in a positive way. For me it is drawing and painting. But, the whole thing should have been stopped years ago. He would have gone to jail, and that is where he should be now.

I can dig it. I enjoy ruminating every so often. I even talk to myself giving myself advice out loud. Telling myself I will feel better soon and I can handle what's happening still having to deal with narcissist daily.

Good for you to get finally rid of all the narcissists in your life. 2023 is going to be my ‘big cleaning’ year too … but it hurts to let go of so many people I loved deeply … and to realize that I’ve lost so many years, not being myself and living my life to its full potential 💔

As an Empath, it hurts so much because we love and feel it all for everyone and everything so much more than most x

I’m not an Expert, but, My Cognitive Brain & My Neurological Psyche, along with my Spiritual -Self… Is Wired to “Take Clues… Puzzle pieces, & DOTS, on the Page of Life… And Figure things out! For Myself: It’s like a “primitive instinct” to Protect from Future Predators that would like to Kill my Spirit! That Primitive Intelligence that wants To: “TAKE CONTROL & BE SAFE!” So with Narcissistic People, that means… Figuring Out All TRUTH, LIES, that I thought were Truths, Manipulations, Gaslighting Events, so that I can Figure things Out. Who Am I? Why did I allow that Stuff to Happen to Me? How can I Prevent this Snare in the Future? Feel Free to use that one for a - BOOK TITLE: “PRIMITIVE INSTINCT!” Subtitle: Navigating RUMINATION w/Toxic People! Much Love, 🙏🏻💛🕊🍃

Oh Connie, so glad I saw your comment...so encouraging to me...I'm 74 yrs old, never thought I could leave, but watching this channel, especially Dr Ramani I realized what he really is, & knew I had to, to save my soul ...took a good year after I knew, to find a way out...out 6mo NC, but have trouble sleeping bc when I wake in the night I start ruminating & often can't get back to sleep...I wish it were different, really thought the hardest part would be me making the decision and actually leaving, little did I know how long the road to healing would be...I hate that I do this, still giving him control and I have so few good memories...I ty so very much for showing me that it is an important part of the healing process, that it has to happen for us to fully heal...ty! We will make it! ❤️❤️❤️

I'm 63 also. I just recognized this evil 5 years ago (a female pastor narc, evil person). As I peeled the layers away I recognized the behavior in most of my family members. And possibly my late husband. That has been difficult to reconcile. I'm working on it. I ruminate to the online narc group. We are family. I've stopped talking about it to close friends. They are weary of my ruminating to them. I journal some and will increase. I kept journals of my husband's behavior. I read some entries and made me apologize. He wanted to appear perfect. Nobody is. I will continue to name the behavior and refuse it.

Very well said.

Thank you! 👍❤️

Good advice. I did something similar and it helped get some of the emotions,anger especially, out of my system. However, my pen nearly tore holes in my notebook 😂. I think it's time for me to do this again, as a matter of fact. Thank you for this reminder.

Love this. I like to handwrite as well. It feels more safe for some reason and it makes me feel more calm. Drawing helps a lot as well ☺️

so true!

Thank you 😊

Me too she saved me from more years of ABUSE !! She made me understand that it was not me

@@JJ-mh4xd yes! I feel the same way.

SAME! Her voice always finds it's way in my head when I'm doing daily reflection while I'm Journaling.

I hear ya. I'm right there with you. To feel a little less alone is incredibly helpful.

Hug

Very good description of why we ruminate. When I understood it, half of the healing was done

Your dreams remind you where you are stuck and where you need to keep working. It can be a chore to decipher some the info/ symbolism though. Keep working at it. Yr improving yrself all the time & it comes in the increments you can build upon & handle at the time. Look at ALL you have accomplished & improved upon already. You are getting better all the time. Thrive, butterfly.

@@jezebelproudfoot4976 Thank you so so much. Your words mean so much to me. ❣️

@@kimmaried.7313 Yes, she heard you and gave a very supportive healthy reply. wishing you the best ~

@@jezebelproudfoot4976 your very wise and have empathy that is what we all need...I love dreams & even if I can't figure out what they mean I trust the mind body spirit is working things out for me in that state of openess ~ such a universal beautiful soul ~ 🪴💗

Totally me too. Between 2-4 and it’s toughest when dark and you know you need sleep. I always say/think I wish a lobotomy was an option, seriously

Thinking of rumination as an addiction is something that never occurred to me, but it makes total sense. I’m ruminating about the many, many lies that are now apparent, and my own humiliation at being so gullible. Finding out about his cheating time and time again with the same woman, but giving him the benefit of the doubt every time and letting him back in. I got the classic empty apologies…..” I don’t know what’s wrong with me”….”I’m working on myself” etc, and stupidly believed him. I have to be honest, I think I chose to believe him because I was scared of being alone and hated the thought of him with someone else - not because I really wanted him. The other woman is also half my age, and I must say that for someone who has always embraced the aging process, this fact has devastated me. I look after myself really well, but I hate the thought that this was not enough - most men still want someone younger. This makes me (wrongly, I know) dislike myself and resent my aging body. This is what I’m mainly ruminating about, to be honest - and I’m addicted to beating myself up about it. Playing victim, I guess.

PS can you recommend any REALLY absorbing audiobooks?

N's train us to assess ourselves negatively. Many of our negative thoughts about our self-worth come straight from the N's, so those thoughts are invalid. Besides stopping the rumination I also worked on self-compassion. It was very hard work, and it took a while, but gradually I replaced every negative self-assessment with my own kind regard. And I sought out kind and caring people who could reinforce my own kind self-regard. Just remember that even when you made/make mistakes, you were/are doing your very best under very difficult circumstances. Yes, there are men who prefer younger women, and there are also lots of men who prefer women their own age. They don't have perfect young bodies either, and they prefer a level playing field so they aren't reminded that they're not young anymore. Yes, they're out there too. And audiobooks, yes, I have a lonnnng list 😁. Book name or series name followed by author. Hopefully you can find something that resonates... 💞 Stoneheart Trilogy - Charlie Fletcher Inheritance Cycle Series - Christopher Paolini Agatha Raisin Mystery Series - M C Beaton Hamish MacBeth Mystery Series - M C Beaton The Shape of Water - Guillermo del Toro The War that Saved My Life - Kimberley Brubaker Bradley The War I Finally Won - Kimberley Brubaker Bradley Vega Jane Series - David Baldacci Will Robie Series - David Baldacci The House of Secrets Series - Chris Columbus The Shoemaker's Wife - Andriana Trigiani Big Stone Gap - Andriana Trigiani The Mysterious Stranger - Mark Twain Joan of Arc - Mark Twain Pandava Series - Roshani Chokshi The Star-Touched Queen Series - Roshani Chokshi Gilded Wolves Series - Roshani Chokshi Flavia de Luce Mystery Series - Alan Bradley The Scandalous Sisterhood of Prickwillow Place - Julie Berry The Passion of Dolssa - Julie Berry Keys to the Kingdom Series - Garth Nix Curiosity House Series - Lauren Oliver H is for Hawk - Helen MacDonald The Chronicles of Brother Cadfael Series - Ellis Peters Game of Thrones Series Harry Potter series The Hobbit The Hunger Games Series The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe Series

@@waywardstitch8604 thank you so much. Your reply could not have come at a better time. I’m trying my absolute best to do what is suggested for recovery but I’m absolutely struggling….just forced myself to go to a Pilates class but could feel the tears welling up constantly. This has been going on for 5 years of a 30 year relationship. My husband has discarded me for the younger woman but still gaslights like you wouldn’t believe, purely so that he can maintain the appearance of a happy family. We are anything but, and this has left me and our three beautiful sons devastated and confused. He has insisted time and time again that the affair is over and I am the absolute idiot who has chosen to believe it. I hate my stupid brain now, as well as my body. I can’t believe I ignored all the signs that were glaringly obvious. All I can see in my mind now is the other woman….half my age and a triathlete. She hung around for long enough, praising him and pandering to his ego, so now she has him round her little finger. I’ve never felt so humiliated in all my life. Basically he’s done the discard but forgot to tell me - partly, I think, because he doesn’t want me to meet anyone else. He kept me around as a safety net while he developed a relationship with her. Thank you so much for the book list….I will study it tonight. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you took the trouble to write back. Thank you again.

@@clairecole1736 My heart goes out to you so much, I had to write again, and thought carefully about what to say. N's are good at slowly dismantling our core selves. But they're also good at convincing us to participate in our own dismantling. It's an insidious and unconscious process where we develop an addiction of gaslighting ourselves. When we finally become aware of the N's games, and become aware of our own participation in self-harm, we're hit with a cascade of various confusing emotions we need to work through. But IMO one of the highest priorities is to start working asap to cease with self-harm, including self-blame, self-criticism, self-hatred, self-abandonment, self-eviction, self-isolation, self-neglect, etc. Just like rumination, self-gaslighting can be very hard to stop. But we must begin anyway, chipping away at all the ways we compulsively harm ourselves. One day I realized that all self-harm was a way of lying to myself, ("I do not deserve my own self-abuse!"). And I set out to find the core truth of myself beneath all the lies I had internalized. Journaling was key to that. For me, in the beginning of turning it around it felt like trying to dig up 10 acres of land with a teaspoon. At first I couldn't fathom that I'd have any success but I just persevered out of sheer stubborness, and because I couldn't come up with an alternative solution. I went to therapy, sometimes 2-3 times a week, journaled until my hands ached, and read every relevant psychology book I could find at my library. Somewhere in that process I remembered, and then reminded myself often, that I'm a decent, kind and caring person at my core. Somehow I had lost sight of that simple truth that I used to take for granted. I also began to rid myself toxic friends, knowing that I needed to replace them with better ones. And I often drove to the park alone, and just sat in my car and sobbed. But I kept going stubbornly back to working on those 10 acres with my teaspoon... journaling, therapy, meditating, and learning to love and trust myself again. Then much later I finally realized my problems were rooted in narcissistic abuse, and I finally feel like I'm on the downhill part healing. There are many types of Ns but your husband sounds like a covert N, harmful in a particulary confusing way. He's still holding onto you, keeping you in confusion, because you are still valuable to him on some level. And while his young triathlete is appealing, she also is very deeply flawed, and lacking in many ways. IOW she is NOTHING compared to a woman who has stuck it out for 30 years. Please don't compare yourself unfavorably to her. You are a ROCK, no kidding. Dr Ramani is indeed very wonderful, but if you don't know him yet, also look up Surviving Narcissism with Dr Les Carter on youtube. All his explanations about Ns are helpful but I found his vids about covert narcissism especially helpful in understanding my N sister's effect on me, how she convinced me to doubt myself, abandon myself, and lie to myself. Dr C has a way of explaining what the covert N is thinking, doing and trying to accomplish in his/her awful treatment of us. Their inner logic is so different from our own that we misread them, which is exactly what they want. Listening to Dr C's explanations of covert N's inner logic helped me even more to understand, and stop blaming myself. Every day I listen to Dr R, Dr C, and a couple of others for at least an hour, because it helps to stop me from slipping back into confusion. Every day I feel stronger, and eventually I expect to be able to hold onto my core truths without them. My specific circumstances are very different from yours. I got out of a toxic 3-year marriage over 40 years ago, but I had to stop working because of debilitating clinical depression. It's certainly not the life I saw for myself when I joined the military as an determined and optimistic 18yo. I come from a big family of various kinds of N's, all spewing out their various types of abuses, pointing accusing fingers, playing the victim, gaslighting, invalidating, discarding, bullying, etc. I'm the only one in therapy. I write all this to let you know that even though our lives are very different, I do know the great difficulty of getting free from the Ns, and free from our own self-abuse, and back to learning to love and trust ourselves again. Hopefully I've offered something here that is helpful. I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey, and FWIW just know that this stranger on the internet has high hopes for your greatest success. 🤗 💞

I have ‘amnesia’ because I am constantly thinking: was this real, did this really happen, did I live with a narcissist? I can not recollect everything. The details are fading. And I am thinking I imagine was has happend….

Yes I'm surprised she didn't mention this. I thought at one point Dr. Ramani would. But yes many therapist aren't even equipped to recognize abusive behavior and call it out. Sad.

Self-talk helps me to redirect my thoughts. But some days I just feel like wallowing in my pain & grief. Maybe that's part of healing, too. Allowing myself to feel the pain.

That lS working, the crunching it up in my fist and chucking it away. Thankyou!❤

One technique that may be helpful is the Empty Chair Talk. In this, you imagine the difficult person to be sitting in an empty chair facing you. If you have a photo of the person that you can stick on the chair back facing you, so much the better. Have the regurgitation or rant at the imaginary person. A variation is to place a photo of yourself on the chair back, and talk to Yourself as you would talk to or confide in a dear friend. This is a big help, if you don't have trusted confidants at hand, or if you want to keep your private life private.

I find writing it down in word then not saving it also helps the not saving it part is so I don't keep that energy around I get it out what happened, then find what emotions are behind the ruminations, then when I feel all good I just close & don't save it helps to let the issue go faster.

I imagined myself having an interview in some kind of fictional family law court. I think ruminating is also there because at some point you believe the things narcissist tells you and your brain's defense mechanism kicks in and says the opposite of what the narcissist accuses you of so that you can retain a little bit of yourself. For example, my narcissist husband would accuse me of being lazy and being a bad mom and I would run through the events of the day and the past week/month and go through all the numerous instances where clearly I was the one doing everything in the household. Then I would come up with an explanation as to why the narcissist would accuse me of that and it would be to control and manipulate me. And the people in the court in my head would be like 'hm yes these things the narcissist accuses you of/does to you has no basis.' I've found rumination to be useful as a form of closure and not letting your story be overshadowed by the lies of the narcissist but when rumination takes itself too far that starts to become a problem.

stop this we know you are a fraud

Good idea 👍

I'm trying to not think of the narcissist as a normal person, it's hard! I keep falling back...

@@kalkhan816 same here, it's very confusing.

@@imperialsaboteur8391 there's just no way of getting clear is there?

@@kalkhan816 it's like she's two separate people in my mind.. no, there's no clarity for me... The only time I get close is when I recall certain things she's said that hurt and I remember how awful she could be.. but I'm still thinking.. well what if she's not a narcissist and just discarded me because I failed somehow.

@@imperialsaboteur8391 hope you overcome it one day, I keep thinking that the narcissist is one day going to change but it won't happen...

Talking to others does help but I was so embarrassed I allowed someone to get away with treating me so bad that I was to embarrassed to be honest to myself and others for so long.

​@@joriebreyer2711 Same. Before breaking up, I actually held back on the devastating financial abuse I was going through, because I thought people would judge ME for not leaving.

@@enraegen561 so when you say financial abuse, I also was dealing with financial issues but it was me going him money and gifts etc. It was me being manipulated and wanting to keep this person in my life. Honestly just so embarrassed and so toxic and when I sat down and wrote it out I was like disgusted with who I was for the last 6 years. We haven't seen each other for over 6 months. So I'm getting better each day. It was me believing if I showed my worth he would be all I ever wanted, the guy I saw on occasions. That potential that was an illusion anyway.

@@enraegen561 I meant giving not going

I understand that because I am doing the exact same thing! I was seriously attacked by him. I had to hide my bruises from my friends and I looked at my arms and said that is ABUSE and you need to leave ! I left a year later!! Should have way sooner!! My friends hounded me to leave,

Absolutely so totally agree Mindfulness and breath work can be so helpful

Yes, Loretta 😊

Thank you, Loretta 🦋💞

you are welcome to talk to me..keep fighting, keep breathing, keep talking...you are not alone...there are a million of us just on dr Ramani's channel who feel just like you and are willing to hear what you're going trough

How are you now?

What a beautiful sentiment.

I have had to go no contact with a family member for the second time. Believe them when they show you who they are the first time! I try not to ruminate after 12 midday and I have recently found some relief by telling myself that they (the toxic person) are not listening so why engage in a one way conversation. In reality my inner dialog will never reach the ears of this person so I tell myself; "Stop, they are not listening so there is nothing to be gained from repeating what you already know to be true". Instead use my Sensate to distract myself, I listen to a podcast or I redesign my home. May we heal and be whole again.

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Happened to me more than once with narcs. I'm a woman who WANTED sex. Basically if you enjoy it they destroy it. Whatever IT is.

This is a spam bot, report it

I've seen this same message before. Definitely a spam bot with the message at the end.

This channel seems to be from the perspective of women mostly , but the struggles and strategies seem to translate pretty well for a man living in constant narcissistic abuse. The relationship ended 10 years ago but our daughter is 13 and that offers her plenty of ways to abuse me by manipulating the custody, and ive faced discrimination as an unmarried father Florida legal system could possibly make things worse. So I just try to armor plate my emotions and withstand every Christmas and birthday as the abuse ramps up leaving me with so much PTSD that I'm dying inside. Her case of NPD is very deeply imbedded malignant type. All stemming from a step father who raped in the 1990's. My only shelter seems to be in reminding myself that she was given this disease by a criminal and part of her survival depends on my humanity and toughness to withstand and persevere. So I live in what feels like a world war 1 trench. Isolated and surviving . Hearing your struggle reminded me that someone is out there, somewhere a woman who also has been abused, misery loves company isn't the right term , your struggle is keeping me from drowning in despair, I'm gonna keep swimming knowing some survivors exist, just none that I can see in Melbourne beach Florida, I'm quite literally a castaway stranded in paradise just me and Wilson. SOS

What kind of therapist were or have you been seeing that helped you? Not many seem to know..

I'm so glad to know things will get better.

Good for you. I ended one today after twice he came back. He promised to treat me like a queen. He swore , anger still....

I'm glad you're doing better. I think Time is the best healer.

I highly recommend DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy - Make certain it is Marsha Linehan certified. It is a phenomenal therapy

@mtdvideos5767 Excellent point, I agree..

That’s what I’ve been doing- a lot of self-reflection.

I think some of the thoughts are pointing me toward places that still need healing and beliefs that don't serve me anymore, but I also think my neural pathways have deep ruts and its just a really bad, compulsive habit. A video diving deeper into how to free ourselves mentally from past trauma would be awesome. There are many, many different strategies shared in the comments. Thank you to Dr R. and everyone who opened up about what is working for them. It may just be a matter of not giving up, and trying different things until something works.

really great point!

I really like that expression you use- "adaptive self reflection". That's what it is sometimes. And what we need to do. I definitely need time to reflect, process, express written, or verbally what I went through, what happened, in orter to move on. Otherwise it feels like a buildup in our system, all the emotions, upset, confusion stay stuck. Then could lead to other problems, or illness later on. I wish more people and professionals. Like therapists too understood this better.

You put it in better words than I did. This is exactly how I came to see it and it helped me a lot

Well said truth...every word!

I perfectly understand you. They prey on your dignity mostly. What’s left is just the shadow of what you were. At the same time, this unbelievable horrifying experience changed me in a way i couldn’t even consider: i started to TRULY love myself…to embrace my vulnerability…to feel worthy of love. Good life my friend 😊

Yes, that is good advice . When interacting with the narcissist, I remind myself that I am dealing with a person, who has a pathological need to control, examine my emotion and look closely at the issue using my own judgement. However for this to work well, a person can not be stressed out, has to be somewhat recovered from narcissistic abuse.

I have done this. It does work.

Ditto!!!!!! ✨

I am struggling with rumination I changed my whole life for this person. Found out years later about the theft of the money and I had no support from my family. His family attacked me his mother called me a liar. I had experienced a stroke and the raging started after so I felt my stroke was the cause of the raging. My feeling of being a burden. I left after several raging episodes where I was beginning to act unlike myself. I have no support system and I actually question whether I am a vulnerable narssasist because it's been soon and I am still struggling with this. I've spoken to trauma counselors and I don't feelany of it helps.

@@talkingsurvivalwithinspiri2090 Maybe you could try to find a specialist? It may help you put gain more clarity! I think a really good therapist can shed more light on the situation

@talkingsurvivalwithinspiri2090 Omg so sorry for you.. Try find a trauma informed and narcissism informed therapist. Ask them about it before you start sessions with them.. have you considered your stroke might have been a result of the relationship? It’s typical of narcissists to target people with no support systems. I wish you lots of healing and the support you deserve.. 🌸🌸💖

Hope you are okay. I am in the same boat.

seriously!

Yes, I ruminate a lot. I’m sure my friends are tired of it. I’m tired of it too. But it’s like a recorded loop that keeps on playing. In this loop I beat myself up over being so gullible to the narcissist and spending a life time working to keep them happy. So frustrating you can’t have a do over. This is something valid they should teach children in schools today in order to avoid narcissistic relationships. It would save them a lifetime of suffering. Teach the children how to treat one another well. I thought my narc was the greatest most empathetic person on earth until I married her. That was her mask. Underneath was an evil reptile.

Even a wound that fully heals leaves a scar. It's difficult to overlook a scar and the uglier the scar, the more we ruminate in an effort to remove it.

Yes! I relate to this so much! The wounds can’t be excised and stay there festering!!!

Re-reading my previous writing helps to validate what I’ve been through & helps keep me no-contact.

I love what you said here. This is so good! Thank you.

@@phonecoladycris5929 That's a very helpful way of grounding yourself in reality. It keeps you in the HERE and NOW, not the fantasy of the narcissist. Keep doing it ❤️

@@thequietinside3201 Thank you ❤️

That's an eye opener for me. Going thru this myself.

Yes, I think the memories will always be there for me as well. What makes it especially hard is my husband and younger child finally moved back to our hometown to specifically be closer geographically to all my siblings. While I have a nice relationship with my two older brothers, both my sisters have now shunned me and my husband and child after several mean spirited texts back and forth and no efforts being made to see us (after being gone for 42 years!) and yes, I made several attempts. It only got worse as time went by. Now I have no contact with either sister.

Why cheesy?

Ditto on narc mom and nac boyfriend who had cancer and recently died. I have guilt over going no contact so continue the relationship with my mother. It's kind of like feel the guilt later or now and later. She's n her mid 80's and I was her helper, golden, flying protector monkey and now truth teller. Our Dr. Romani has been washed with these waters and maybe more. That is why I feel so attentive to her words. I can feel that she knows that of which she speaks. I am 65, intelligent and was a looker in my days. But I never knew what was hitting me with family, dating, relationships...and then a corporate psychologist for the family businees helped me to see the trees behind the bushes. The CEO brother, mother were narcs and he advised me to get away asap. I thought narcissists were people who were in love with themselves and their looks...but they are so much more. These videos are the best thing about modern life... and GPS. Thank you, Dr. RAMANI!

Beautiful comment. Wishing you well.

This is the worst ~ I was always "day dreaming" in school ~ now I know the violence at home was causing my brain injury by disassociating. The result adult complex trauma and PTSD ~ why did our parents have to be so abusive? What bs did they learn in their families as kids? Infinite regress back generations of abusive behavior. Pitiful.