1. Why are you crying? Instead of “Stop crying” 2. That’s okay, get it all out, and then we’ll talk. Instead of “Let me know when you’re done with your tantrum” 3. Let’s take a break so we can both calm down, instead of “Alright, enough! I’m done with this.” 4. You sound angry/hurt/upset. Are you? Instead of “Fix the attitude!” 5. How did this go wrong? Let’s think it through. Instead of “You need to think before you act.” 6. I see you’re angry, is it because … instead of “Go to your room until you can behave/act better.” 7. “Look at me, take a deep breath, let’s count to five together.” Instead of Okay, okay, stop crying so that we can go into the store. 8. Everyone gets nervous, it’s okay, let’s talk about it. Instead of “There’s nothing to be nervous about.” 9. We all have intense emotions, but it’s important that you say it to me in a way that I can hear it instead of “Don’t talk to me with that tone”.
What I really appreciate is that you addressed the perhaps guilt/shame feelings that parents who have been raised in such an environment and unknowingly transfer the same onto their children, have.
As someone who grew up emotionally neglected and parentified, these specific phrases in specific situations are of great help. Thank you so much for this! I'm trying to be a better parent for my child, and to teach him it's ok to FEEL and to manage what he feels. Sometimes I'm stumped, because all I know is "block it away, repress, ignore, shift attention to something else". Actually, more often it's "shift attention to everyone else and solve their problems". So having the right words available in my head helps so much when the situation gets hard or tense or heavy. Thank you again, Dr. Webb!
Its kind of difficult for a parent to remember what the ideal response should be specially when it does not come out naturally. I think what to keep in mind which should be easier to do is to prioritize emotions before behavior
My parents never asked questions, which conveyed we don't care, we're not interested, you're not important, you don't matter, and we don't care how you feel. I once told my mother that I was lonely, and she said quite vehemently, "You are not lonely!' I'm glad that you are talking about CEN because it has been the missing link in all the therapy I've received. There was nothing concrete I could put my finger on to explain the melancholy, low self-esteem, self-hate, and depression that was always there. This is the root cause. Thank you!
Oh my god! You have just cited all the typical statements, reactions, the so called under -statements and messages that my CEN parents inundated me with throughout my childhood... Thank you so much for having finally provided some healthy alternatives!
I never heard a single one of the 'better' ways to parent from my own parents. Although I've known for about 6 years that I've CEN, and have no kids of my own, I have bought and read both of your books. I just bought your reduced price program to continue my 'emotional intelligence'. Thanks for all you've done. And thanks for an inexpensive way to get more EQ training. This last video of yours was very helpful.
Dr. Webb, I love your work and if I may, I disagree with your first point. When a child is crying, they often can't articulate "why" as their cognitive brain is off line. I have found from personal experience that what works better in the moment is repeated naming of what the child may be feeling as in: "you are so sad right now", "you're upset, that's so hard". The child then can correct if I'm wrong and they may say: "no, I'm angry" or if they indeed are sad, they will feel seen. The "what was going on?" question can come later, once the child is calm and connecting with you.
I'd say you're both right. I think it all depends on the age: where an older child can express at least the basics, a younger child might need help and time? Have a nice day! :)
Dr. Webb, I recently discovered your channel and felt healed by your work. But I do find some parent ask why kids are feeling what they’re feeling too much because they want to be like a ideal parent who is rational about feelings.
Wow wow I have watched so many sources, but somehow seeing how a parent should behave hammers home the truth: my parents were never able to give these to me and for 30 years I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling so lonely, sad and ashamed
It's so difficult when you're in a big store and your child has a raging tantrum! Not easy to say, "Get it all out and then we'll talk". My son ran his hand along all the drinks bottles, knocking them all over in the store!
Thank you for this. I’m working to ‘re-parent’ myself (since my parents only used the first statements you mention.) This is so clear. I had already written a list of ‘things my parents should’ve said to me…’ this will make that list so much richer.
Thank you for your videos, They are well made and you are doing an important work. It may however be possible that, before some parents are able to welcome the emotions of their children, they'll have to start by learning to welcome their own ones. It may even be possible that they'll have to work on their own traumas.
Thank you so much. This is so excellent. I wish I had it 40 years ago when my daughter was young. But I think they are good guidelines for any human interaction. I think I might try to memorize them.😂❤
Learn about Childhood Emotional Neglect, how it happens, and how to heal it in my FREE CEN Breakthrough Series: bit.ly/cenbreakthrough15 To find out if you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect, take the free Emotional Neglect Test: bit.ly/entest To learn much more about how to gain the skills you missed, check out my bestselling book, Running on Empty, for just $10: bit.ly/runningonemptybook Find out more about Emotional Neglect at: www.emotionalneglect.com.
I never had children. Both of my parents were alcoholics. I didn't want to screw up my children the way my parents screwed me up. I've been seeing one therapist or another for almost 40 yrs.
It is sooo comforting to know this is a fixable condition. I am married to a CEN husband. It has been an extremely lonely marriage. Thank you for your RU-vid videos. C. Richardson
I'm very grateful to find you. As an actor, parent ( and part-time clinician), I have dedicated much of my work to honoring, validating and diving into the world of emotions. This work is so necessary!
