Enneagram: Coaching The 9w1 

The biggest contradiction I've found in myself as a 9w1 is that I understand others' perspectives except for their inability to understand other perspectives. Put another way, I judge people for judging.

The part where he kept shouting "make a decision! Make a decision! Make a decision!" made me so anxious like i just wanted to run away.

Why, oh why did I not understand this in my 20s?! Maybe my 50s wouldn't feel like such an insurmountable crisis if I had. Better late than never, I suppose.

Being a 9 as a woman means that people praise me when I stay quiet and agreeable but insult me as “aggressive” “bitchy” and “stubborn” when I set my boundary or assert my ideas, needs, and expectations.

9 is imo, the most special. And im saying this as a 4 LOL

I might have to watch this everyday for the foreseeable future. I can almost count the number of times I've said 'no' when asked to do something. I don't like upsetting other people and then I end up in situations I don't want to be in. Wow. Thanks so much for making this video!!!

I’ve listened to a LOT of content on nines. This video is spot on and extremely helpful. Thank you!!

Mr LaHue, you are a genius! Every single word of this made so much sense to me. I have been struggling so hard with ambivalence. I never felt like someone “got” me, sir you do!

I just found out I'm a 9w1sx and this spoke to my soul I feel so lost in life in general and listen to this made me feel understood (which varely happens)

Dr. Tom, your videos have helped me more than you could possibly know. It was extra helpful to be reminded that the initial discomfort in saying “no” is validation that I am growing and learning what I actually want to say “yes” to, and not an indication that I am failing. Thank you so much for sharing your time and wisdom so generously.

As a newly discovered 9w1 this also explains why I fall in love with 8’s and 3’s ... they help define me so I could cruise and become the “supporter” and “get across the prairie!!” Thank you!

FANTASTIC!!! Thank you so much for making this video. Things I liked the best as a sexual 9w1: 1. Start listening to the 8 and build up self integrity by saying NO 2. Don’t listen to the 1 and 6 who want you to conform and not make waves 3. Becoming stronger (with help of the 8wing) allows room for the goals and ambitions of the inner 3 to EMERGE and FLOWER THANK YOU FOR THIS LIFESAVING ADVICE!!!

No one has ever understood my struggle so well. Thank you for this encouraging and helpful video. What great advice - I needed to hear this

People were always insisting that I, a 9, weigh in on their argument.....till one day I told someone STOP IT. "I have been put in the middle my whole life, and I won't be there anymore. I quit."

I love the idea of saying no to everything to awaken my yes!! Thank you 🙏🏽

True, sometimes when I've said no, people called me selfish and I hate that word, it makes me feel mean and I don't want to be mean

Whoa. I’m a 9 wing 1 and a recent widow. I’m working so hard to figure out who I am, and what I truly want in my life. This is so helpful.

I have found for myself that it is easy to say no when you practice self-love. Especially when anxiety shows up, remember to be kind to yourself. Practice taking care of yourself. Treat yourself well. And i think it becomes easier to say no when you love who you are. Respect yourself. Respect your boundaries. Take care of yourself. When I become unhealthy as 9 I became lazy with taking self care. Because I think in the way that I am not important, my needs don't matter. It doesn't matter what I want. And you project outwards what you feel inwards. So if you are saying those things to yourself. Many people can notice that. And people will make use of that. People will make use of you if you don't stand up for yourself. But I noticed that when I started showing up for myself other people somehow started respecting my boundaries. Because I think I projected that self love outwards. 9s please don't ignore yourself. Take care. Show up to yourself first.

Such good advice. I wish my 9w1 husband would watch this. There is one thing I would caution. Because 9s are slothful and sort of lazy (unhealthy), if they start saying, NO to everything, they will not do anything, My husband would say NO to everything and never leave the house or do a darn thing. So, it's good to practice saying NO to it all at first, but then at some point they need to learn to discern choosing when to say NO and when not to, so that they learn to say YES to things they love. I hope this makes sense.

Thank you very much for your insights. The video reminds of a quote I heard once a long time ago: "The space for what you really want is filled with what you settled for instead."

This video was SO insightful! I am a 9 who has been waking up these past two years! I finally saw the toxicity in my marriage and said enough and filed for divorce. I am now in the process of re-discovering myself (actually, more like discovering for the first time) and as hard as it is, it is a beautiful time in my life. I believe it is because I have finally found a way to tap into my 8 wing and stand up for myself. I praise God for the freedom I am discovering and pray that I can use my new-found boldness to bring peace and harmony to the world around me as you mentioned in your "Hundred Acre Wood" video

Thank you Tom, I've been working a lot on myself as a 9w1 and this was a HUGE message directly for someone like me. Setting healthy boundaries has been my journey lately and using "no" like you said is the best advice. Thank you so much!

As a 9w1, I find it hard to say no because for years I’ve always done exactly what everyone else wants to do. So now, whenever I say no to someone they act so shocked and even offended sometimes, because they’re so used to me being their go-to person. And that makes it hard because my anti-conflict tendency kicks in, and I back down and do what they want so that they aren’t upset. Inside, I feel upset, but I pretend I’m not. Then, I wonder how that other person can’t perceive that I’m unhappy. Does that make sense? I end up feeling so much anger build up, but it’s almost like I feel like I’m not allowed to show anger, because again, everyone is shocked whenever I show that side of myself. Ughhh growing is hard. I’m not giving up though. I have to let my 8 wing shine more. Haha

THANK YOU!!!!!! I've always thought I was a weak person, not knowing who I am or what I want, saying "yes"(sure, uh-huh) about everything and then being consumed with anxiety from the 6!!! I'm so relieved that I am not alone in this, there's not something wrong with me, I just need to grow an 8 backbone and say no!!! I'm so excited and scared but I'm ready to take charge and find my true YES!!!!

This is my life in a nutshell. Lol. Thank you for a relief option! Practice is on my menu!!!

It was extremely encouraging to hear a different reason for saying NO than "you'll be angry and resent it later". Of course that is true, but for a 9 (who isn't in touch with their anger) it's not very motiviating. My highly-developed-nineness just says "You have no idea how adept I am at detaching from my anger/resentment. It doesn't work to threaten me with more of it." It's like threatening an introvert that if they don't go out and engage with people more, they'll find themselves alone. 🤨 Its far more helpful to me to hear you give the positive reason for saying NO. It can help me find what I want to say YES to. As difficult as it is for me to say NO, it is possible. What is far more bewildering to me is to understand how the rest of the world says YES. How does everyone know so immediately and clearly what they want/like/desire? It's the one thing about everone else that I don't empathize with. You've proposed something of real value to me by proposing that "leading with NO" is an active tactic that is effective in "discovering YES." Thanks, Tom, for giving us 9s a motivation that speaks to us.

Thank you so much Dr. Tom! I’m a 9w1 and you have helped me immensely. I will learn to start saying “no” more, which is definitely unnatural for me. Your videos have been huge blessings. Thanks for all you do and God bless!

I feel so understood, it's lovely. You went straight to the core.

This is pure gold. I’ve been an unhealthy, withdrawn 9 for most of my life. I feel like I’m being set free (or waking up) by this knowledge. Thank you for sharing! May God bless you, your children, and your children’s children.

You are so on point with this video! This video is so helpful to me who is a 9w1 who has listened to 1 and 6 all my life. My husband is an 8 who tells me exactly what you’ve spoken of here. I’m in the process of emotional healing and your coaching in this video is giving me direction to listen to more 8 and definitely engage 3 for the healthy balance I need. 8 always frightened me and 3 seemed impossible. but through your videos I’ve learned how awesome an 8 and 3 are. I need to listen to your 3 videos again. The dreamer part of me gave way to ambivalence for the majority of my life. My inner child resonates with this message. 😁😊🤗

I’m a 9w1 and laughing out loud as I watch this, feeling very grateful for my life after lots of painful growth. Grateful because I have a 3 father and an 8 mother, which was actually very painful as a younger person, but finally seeing the gift of this as I find the balance for myself in my life. Thank you for your video!

I've learned as a 9w1 that boundaries are so important, but I can't have boundaries the same way that my 8 husband does. I try to assert them in the kindest way possible, so that others don't feel rejected by them and understand that they are there for my own health and happiness.

Hi Dr. Tom, just wanted to say thank you heaps for making this video. "INFJ 9w1" that just made a big transition back into University to study and become a Psychologist (after being in the Graphic Design industry for a few years). A lot of what you have said as really resonated and have had some kickback about going back into University, the statement about leaning on the 8 when 6 comes out feels nice to hear! Thank you for your help. :)

Wow! That’s why I find it easier to find what I want in life by process of elimination. This advise is golden and powerful - wake up my wing eight to deal with my 6.

As a 9w1 I do know what I want and can make decisions but I don’t want to have my decisions challenged. If I tell people my opinions or preferences it opens the floor for them to dispute them so that’s why I don’t want to articulate them, it’s not because I have no preferences.

Oh my!!! Oh my!!! I see now that I have “collected” so many boyfriends over the years that continued to pursue me because I could “see” wonderful things in them, but not enough to marry them! So they hung on to hope. I have been criticized for it and I get it now. I couldn’t hurt them! I can get this thinking OUT of my head now and see it as a THING I DO out of indecision!! Wow! So helpful!!

Now my goal is proving to myself that saying no is less painful than living in the anxiety of 6. Thank you! Put the energy where I want it to be, rather than what takes my energy. Any thoughts on self rejection and autoimmune diseases? Seems like it could be a metaphysical correlation. The brain and belief systems are strong.

Thank you SO much for this video. I felt an understanding to my core with this. The quiet anxiety and almost panic laying in bed at night wondering why I don't know what I want but I do know time is slipping away. I physically can't be around clocks with a ticking second hand and I think that may be why lol This video made me laugh and really helped point me in a direction to start building my fence!

Coaching for 8w9 please! I'm an 8w9 and my wife is a 9w1 and she said you NAILED this, and hoping for this video again but for the 8w9 because I have a hard time reconciling the 8 and 9 which seem to be opposites. Thank you so much for all your videos!

I have never felt so seen in my life. One of your other videos helped me understand that I was not an Enneagram 5. This helped me understand I am indeed a 9 but not a wing 8 but a wing 1.

Man I wish I would have seen this 15 years ago. I let too many people get into my head and interrupt who I wanted to become.

A real eye opener for a type 9 wing 1. Thank you so much.

This completely accurate, thank you so much your videos are such a blessing. I never put it together before, it is a Godsend

Thanks for this, and other E9 and E1 insights. After listening to several of your talks, I think I am 9w1 and in growth (I hope) connected more than ever with my 1w. Life events big and small, like: surviving an affair and divorce, reading the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, applying Marie Kondo principals to my collections, discovering the Enneagram, and a plethora of people, circumstances and factors (that happened to me) seem to have pushed me in to growth, slowly but steadily. Parenting 3 children (via adoption and stepfamily) creates unique challenges to my personality as well. Looking back helps me look forward, with quiet hope and confidence (on good days).

Thank you so much , this is So helpful , I truly appreciate it . I have the 8 showing up in my life lately , am dealing with a lot of resentment and anger after letting people decide everything for me from the shoes I wear to the man I marry . Am tired of explaining my perspective , the 8 is helping me say this is what it is , period , I am saying NO more often . Mr. 3 is awaking too , I just realized that I have dreams of my own, it's a beautiful feeling . The hard part is throwing people garbage in my life . It's garbage , but it still feels so rude to throw it . I feel like I owe people something , I feel like I have to be their garbage keeper . I don't know if I am going to the wrong direction since 9 are suppose to care about people , making peace , and bringing people together but I am sick of all of that . I have being the listener , problem solver , helper all my entire life . I missed my life , I missed me , I just want to help myself , listen to my self , take care of myself , work on my own things . Is this healthy ?! I wonder , I feel bad that I am not the same person I was , my whole identity was the helper , and I stopped helping . I feel relieved like a burden lifted up my shoulders , I hate being in conflict , I hate constent drama , I don't want to be a coach , a counselor , this was a dream I followed long time , I liked a counselor that helped me once , I want to be like her , but now I really don't , I can't deal with problems every day .

9w1 and INFP-T here. I really appreciate your videos and am equally enthused and overwhelmed. I hope I can harness all of this and find a positive purpose. Thanks for your videos!

I'm not even finished listening to this first video from you yet, and yet, I'm so encouraged! Thank you!!

I’m brand new to all this “Enneagram” content. But I was drawn to this video, and it makes so much sense to me!! I’m understanding more now what it means to be a 9w1!

As an infp 9w1 i have a strong set of morals (from being an infp) that allows me to make decisions easier for those things I “feel” are wrong.

Dude!! I’m 1/2 way through the video and almost in tears. You’ve just read my mail!! That is so me!

Thanks Doc!!! I’m a 9w1 and I am married to a 4w5. Great combo. So I told her to expect more NO out of me and she said “Good!” But it does feel like aggression so it takes practice and patience. I have a pretty cool “yard” though and an amazing and diverse circle of friends. Thanks for your approach and helpful training!!

Wow, that example of the two wings (1 & 8) as voices creating the 9's withdrawn position totally resonated with me. I do think I should start listening to that 8 voice a little more, thanks for explaining it better!

For the first time I feel like I’m about to start living my life as the real me! This will be a long journey… But after watching you, I feel understood by my own self and full of hope for the future! A million thanks!

Thank you. I’ve been unsure about 9w1 since I’m INTP and INTP is predominantly 5w4. You’ve accurately described my biggest challenge, and this solution worth experimenting with - and is something I’ve started learning on my own a little without thinking about it in enneagram terms. 31:00 I was hoping you’d get to three. You talked so much about eight that I thought you wouldn’t get to three.

it's specially hard that this work needs to be done everyday untill it is really settled. I feel like I've built that fence and then all the people that used to put trash on my yard just got upset with me, cause they couldn't do it anymore and that pressure made me remove my fence, so that they could do whatever they want again and not be upset with me anymore. And this has happened so many times in my life, I put the fence, then I remove it, put it back in and remove it again it's exhausting. And I wasn't even fully aware that I was doing that, that I was removing the fence that I built with so much effort. Thank you for this video, it was very helpful. I'll try to stick this fence on the ground for good this time.

Funny story, I actually had a situation a while ago where I let my neighbor park their caravan in my yard because they had to make space to put in theirs. I said yeah sure because I thought it would only be a couple of days and I wanted to be a good neighbor. My boyfriend immediately said it was a bad idea and that they would take advantage of the situation, and I was like, no way, they would never... long story short, they ended up putting in a gate between our properties ( which I said "yes" to ) and the caravan stayed longer than I thought, and they even started making repairs to it on my yard! Eventually, after some time, they moved it to their yard on their own, but I was too scared to say anything, so it just became awkward, and inside I was screaming no while saying yes....So when I listened to your video, it all clicked! Thank you so much for making this, it has clarified so much for me, and I will start working on my NO!

This is so accurate for me - I've talked about SO MUCH of this with my therapist, even down to the yard and the fence, I almost want to send her this video, especially since she introduced me to the enneagram. Amazing to hear this message so clearly.

This was so good and right on. It is scary sometimes to go to 8, especially as a Christian. But, I know that when I have, it has worked out better for all involved, not just myself. Thanks. Looking forward to listening to part 2.

As a 9 with both 1 and 8 wing elements to her personality (probably a 5 in her tritype, sp/so), I think the way that I see it is like... I'm minding my own business walking up the street. I just really, really want to get to my own comfortable house on the top of the hill, where I won't be bothered by anyone. This or that house, it's all fine. I don't really care; I'm not paying attention; I'm just focused on trying to make it to my own house. As I make my way up, I have people coming up to me, complaining about this or that other house or person on the street. I'm saying what I "should" say, making small talk, and being cordial so that they'll leave me alone and I can continue my trek up the hill. But when the other person comes out and the two people start fighting, blocking my path, and they ask me what my opinion is, I give them my honest opinion (usually some variation of 9 where I explain their perspectives to each other). And when they finally break up, I breathe a sigh of relief and continue my trek up to my house. But when I'm at my house, I get people constantly ringing on my doorbell, asking me why my porch is this color or that color, trying to sell me things, trying to get something from my house for their porch, or even nice neighbors trying to be helpful. Sometimes I give them what they ask for. Sometimes I politely tell them no and send them on their merry way. I might give them some cookies to "soften the blow" and make it so that they're not angry and won't come back or try to pick a fight with me. Usually I'm weighing the cost. Conceding, being conciliatory and cordial versus arguing, putting distance, or calling the authorities: the ultimate goal is for you to not get in my way in the future. In my house, I have my own yard where I pursue my own interests and desires. Everything is comfortable, peaceful, tranquil, and routine. This is my baseline. I think that growth for me is actually maybe moreso in the realm of being more willing to venture out of my house, to invest in the community and other people, being more altruistic and willing to take leadership positions, being more willing to accept losses to my personal comforts and space for the greater good or even just to learn how to play better with others.

Very, very helpful, I'm new to the enneagram stuff but having someone else not only be able to name the problems I've run into but helpful next steps to move forward is really helpful and hopeful. Thank you.

Congratulations man, your way of talking (not only in this video, but in all the videos I've seen) helped me a lot. Since I started studying the Enneagram, I had a big doubt if I was 4 or 9 (sometimes this doubt became sure, on both sides... lol), and some of your videos helped me find it out. I am a 9 wing 1 (self preservation). I did a very beautiful and powerful process yesterday in a shamanic ritual and some verses came to me about exactly the paths of evolution that you talked about in this video, I will share it (in Portuguese it sounds better, with some rhymes - I'm from Brazil): I'm not Mr. Perfect (1), I'm not Mr. Afraid (6). I am The man (3)! I am a steamroller (8), full of love (9). Again, congratulations on your great content, thanks for that. I wish you prosperity and health in all fields.

Absolute fantastic video. Super helpful video thank you.

the house analogy is Absolutely spot on! I don't think I'd ever be able to articulate it that well to anyone hahaha - actually, it's kind of weird thinking that other people don't see it like that? which may seem counterintuitive but I don't really understand how you can not see other people's perspectives (and unfortunately I do have the downside to the superpower too jddjdfhd) ... edit: although I would want to go to arby's and watch tv with my friends so not as much that part edit 2: I think I'm getting better at saying what I do want (and figuring it out sometimes) but my brain is still really resisting the whole say no to everything thing. even though I hear that it's growth, I still want to allow people space in my yard if they want/need it.. sigh jdfjjd but part of me doesn't even necessarily view it as a negative thing edit 3: I would also say that if I actually want to do something then I will say yes, but if I'm not sure it's more like an 'umm, sure' or 'yeah, ok' or something along the lines of the it's fine thing. I try to be enthusiastic about things I do want to do! people can often sense when you're not hugely into something, but actually if I really don't want to do it then I'll try to indicate without necessarily having to say the word no, unless it really really gets down to it (but usually I cycle through a number of indicators hahhaha)

Do you have stuff for 9w8? One of my best friends is a 9w1 and I am a 9w8. We are similar but definitely different. Love her bunches!

I even married someone tho “NO” was screaming inside of me!! 😭

This was so very helpful! Saying no has always been difficult for me. The other issue I run into is my superpower apparently, which is both comforting and discouraging😅. I can reason myself in circles all day, especially when judging the character of myself and others. In the video when the 9 let the 8 in, then the 3 showed up... That is so encouraging to know! The way to 3 is 8. Thank you thank you for this video! Blessings!

I act like 8 when I am alone. I love being alone. Anxiety goes away when I am alone. When I am with others 6 anxiety kicks in. If I act like 8 with others then others would leave me. So I stay alone more because people would hate me eventually anyway. Why push myself to be with them. It's lost cause /waisted energy.

Thank you so much, Tom. Your Videos make me realize, what I really want in life. Would be very interested in how you got into all the enneagram Stuff and what kept you going. Lots of love from a Sexual 9w1

Amazing! Thanks a lot! This is great help, very motivating

Oh wow, that was that!! I’ve always been feeling myself as a living volcano 🌋, always raging inside, sometimes ending on sending a very short, intense, shot of vapor geyser to the outside. In fact that was it : inside there’s the lava from my 8 side meeting with the iced water of my 1 side resulting on me, a 9w1, tired of all this internal noise and ambivalence ending in no move at all 🙃 Hahaha but thanks to your soooo helpful insights, this is changing now. Merci beaucoup Mr Lahue!

Great information! Thank you for sharing. I think this was one of your best videos on the enneagram.

I have never felt so understood in my life. Thank you for making this video.

Thank you Tom. Time for action and "NOs"!

Thank you for this!

Tom! I'm LOVING your videos. These are some of the most tangible descriptions of the enneagram I've found, giving me so much clarity. I need your help to figure out if I'm a 7 wing 6 or a 9 wing 1. I know they sound like opposites, but I really can relate to both. THANK YOU so much for these videos.

Dr LaHue - my family hates my superpower because they feel that I should be on their side. and I collapse when I am forced to make decisions even simple ones!

When I don’t know my preference I just pick what I think other people would like most and now I never even know what I like anymore

I love watching your videos. You're so good at explaining these things. **Warning, incredibly long rant detected** I like your analogy of the houses. I can really relate to that. I have that problem with Christian churches. I was brought up Mormon but left eventually because of overwhelming evidence of corruption and false claims (sorry to Mormons who read this). I now drift from church to church, not really knowing how to settle on one. It's very tribal, but as with your analogy of the painted houses, I can understand where each one is coming from. First I went to the main branches of Protestantism: Anabaptist, Calvinists, Lutheranism and Anglicanism. I was drawn to one Anglican priest named N. T. Wright who is a New Testament scholar. I like his idea of heaven being a different space; God's space, which is slowly invading our space and humanity is able to participate in the bringing of God's kingdom. Wright's theology is in contrast to the idea of the rapture, touted mostly by American evangelism and Calvinist offshoots. Speaking of Calvinists, I also love attending those churches. Calvinists make sense from descriptions in Paul's first and second letters to the Thessalonians and in Mathew Ch. 2. which seem to affirm their beliefs. I also think John Calvin was a brilliant man inspired by God. What about Arminianism? An offshoot from the Baptists but still technically Calvinism, divided by the issues of works based vs faith based, both of which use valid biblical sources. Each contradictory denomination has produced scholars that I find inspiring, even though they disagree. Greg Boyd, from the Anabaptists; James White, from the Calvinist Branch; N. T. Wright, from the Anglican Branch. None of them agree with one another. Maybe all that matters is that a guy two thousand years ago arose from the dead. Although if that was the case these denominations wouldn't display contempt for one another at a systemic level. Maybe I just shouldn't go to church because it's a pain in the ass. Why can't "being a Christian" mean recognizing Jesus as their King, and that humans are messed up. That should be what Christian means. Not righteous. Humans aren't righteous. People should recognize a Christian as a person who's so messed up, that God himself had to be slaughtered for them, and that Jesus is the only thing that person has going for them.

Wow, this is a really great analogy! It's so interesting, I'm 99% sure I'm a 4w5 (self pres), but I still relate to this a lot (and to type 9 in general). I'm wondering why that is. I don't like conflict, so I usually say yes to things (although I CAN say no), don't take sides and try to see everybody's perspective. I don't have strong opinions and am easily convinced of things - because I can always see the point! (I like to say that there is more than one truth - it just depends on the way you look at things!) I get overwhelmed whenever I have to make choices, because I'm afraid to make the "wrong" choice and regret it later on. (I can't count the times that I've said "I don't know." or "I'm not sure.") Maybe it's due to my self preservation instinct..?

Just got typed this week. 9. Oh my. Slothtastic!

Whoever thumbs down this video, simply doesn't get it. The nugget that's to be taken is getting overlooked. Pointing out that 9's also have an impulse says to me that the person isn't looking at this from the intended perspective and is missing the point. Nines want to find unity and wholeness, to create harmony in their environment, to feel spacious and at ease, to emphasize the positive, to avoid conflicts and tension, to resist change and preserve things as they are, and to ignore whatever would upset or disturb them. Nines do not want to have conflicts with loved ones, to feel cut off or separated from others, to be angry, to be upset or disturbed, to have their habits or routines interrupted, to arouse themselves or to be emotionally uncomfortable, or to be forced to face unpleasant realities. This is a coaching video. It has a specific target in mind. Its goal is to let the 9 know that it's ok to assert a choice for themselves. That it's ok to make a decision regardless of what another picks as their choice. To feel that they're allowed to make a choice without feeling bad about it and accept that they can't make everyone happy. In their attempt to make others happy, more importantly the 9 is forgetting to make themselves happy.

The blue house one was great😂😂😭

Thank you for all the videos. I would love to watch you going into "Relationship with a type 9". ❤️

I tend to seek every option. One of the last examples was a coworker who put some music if the boss was not around. She ask me what do I think? I said that I saw the benefits of radio in work (because creates a good environment) and that I understand why the boss didn't want that because it can be a distraction. My really opinion was that I liked some radio because for me it have more benefits than down side, but I find myself defending both arguments, not really giving MY opinion. It was like this all my life, I saw my father perspective (the most conflicting one) and go along with that....

I've been practicing this and didn't have any concrete way to explain it. I've been trying to pursue different dreams (tapping into 3) and 6 is definitely rearing its ugly head. I need to strengthen my 8!! I literally have gone back and forth on staying in this current career field (IT) or moving on to what I want!

THANK YOU! This is such a helpful illustration.

DUDE!!! The idea of saying NO to awaken your YES is freaking bind blowing and makes perfect sense. I have a new motto - WW8D (What would 8 do!) It is very freeing but also kind of scary at times to put up the fence. Thank you for explaining it so well. This video is GOLD!

All the 9’s are cringing like “really?? It’s ok???” Then we take the Superman pose, shoulders up and arms on the hips... “hold my Diet Coke!”

Honestly, this video is the most illuminating video on 9w1 I have found. Wow, it was almost crazy how accurate this was, it was like looking in a proverbial mirror! My favorite mantra I lived by for most all of my life has been “whatever [you] want, I have no preference” (when a friend finally somewhat called me out on it)… I learned SO much, thank you!!! I have honestly never considered that there are 3 voices involved in my making decisions. I will admit I have even lately, due to having a very strong 8 father, been trying to eradicate any 8ness tendencies I might have to my type 9w1 personality, I definitely have been struggling with it a lot lately especially, and have felt rather threatened by it just because it feels so foreign, massively aggressive oftentimes (but then usually find out later still was so NOT aggressive at all). I never thought of how solid and dependable an 8 is, and how it can help lead into putting up healthy boundaries. I can’t say enough on how enlightening this was on the whole!

i actually started to feel stressed listening to the analogy haha - v spot on!

(from Madeleine not Nigel) Dear Dr Tom. Wow you are describing me exactly! For the last 4 years I've been unable to decide what style to decorate my living room, as I like beach style and country cottage style - then I went to Paris last year and loved the opulence and decided I wanted gold and velvet and antiques. I haven't actually made a decision yet! My partner is also a 9 so you can imagine our procrastination levels are off the scale! For a long time I thought I was a 6 (because I get anxious) , or a 4 ( because I have identity problems and I write songs!) or maybe even a 5 (because I research a lot) or a 2 (I like helping people - sometimes!) but your youtubes have narrowed me down to a 1/9 or 9/1. I do exactly fit the sexual 9 in your description (with a close second the 1 or self pres 6). Anyways thank you so much, I've been watching you every night during lockdown. Your 7 energy is just great! Kind regards Madeleine Longhurst (this was my hubby's youtube account until he passed away 6 years ago and I haven't figured out how to change it - typical 9 I guess!

Thank you Dr. Tom! This was exactly what I needed right now. So timely.

This was amazing... I'm 69 and still learning to say "no". It's better, but your video stated things in such a relatable way. I'm a medical assistant who is still working (all thru covid), with a needy 90 y/o, healthy mom (who is a "one" to the core) and, thank God, an understanding husband, (altho is an anxious 6, with Aspergers ). I've done my inner work and I'm in a much healthier place than, say, 10 yrs ago, but I still need to be reminded of my natural tendencies that rear their heads before I become aware of what I'm doing!

It is like you are inside my brain! What are people so pissed off about everything? get over it! Life is too short!

I’m blown away by how you totally understand the 9! This is soooo me

I am a 9 w 1. Over the years I’ve learned how to express my boundaries and love to say “No” if that’s what feels right in the moment. Others will respect you for it. I have also learned how to make decisions for myself. it hasn’t always been easy but Just to let others know, we can Definitely change this behavior and remember to be kind and patient with yourself as you practice figuring out your perspective and speaking up for yourself. It’s nice that we are flexible and also able to see others’ points of view.

Wow. Anyone else get angry listening to this? I’m lucky to have been surrounded by many 8s in my life who tell me to stand up for myself and what I want. Thank you Dr. LaHue for this content. It’s like a shortcut for understanding why I do what I do.

Thank you so much for making this video, it has helped me immensly! I always try to do things "right" even if I'm not sure because I think "ok, it' s not a big sacrifice for me, but it means a lot to THEM" and I end up frustrated without really knowing why... now I know, and I know what to do to try and fix it for the future.. It's gonna be hard, but I'm sure worth it.. Thank you again so so much!!

Hi there. Thanks a lot for speaking out for my soul. Recently I have problem on confusing if I'm really a 9w1. (Maybe due to I'm going through major life changing stage which make me reconsider myself if I'm 1,2,6? also I'm very out of touch for 8-ish through my life.) Listening to this make me cried out so hard as I've felt that I'm really being seen through. This is the answer I've been sought for past months. You helped me realized that I let those rigid 1 critic and skeptic 6 committee numb out my 8 hero all the time. Thanks for encouraging me to build my own fence. I would design my own house together with my 8 and 3 friends!

Wow! This is great. I've been seeing a therapist for a few years and she's helping me through this without the enneagram... but it's so cool to see your description of it through the lens of the enneagram. The enneagram feels like hope to me because no matter how healthy I am I can see myself somewhere in it, and I can see the descriptions of a healthier version of me.