Enneagram: Type 9 Checklist 

9 here. When you were talking about people going their own way and us being okay with it, something occurred to me. I don’t miss people when they leave and I can go years without talking to someone and still consider them a friend. The problem is that the moment I know someone will leave, I know this will happen and I weep for the loss of the connection before it’s gone. Then without being conscious about it, I start distancing from them until they’re gone. Numbing myself to their existence in my life (while they’re still in it) to keep the pain away. I don’t know if I miss the people, but I do miss the connection.

"What are you killing inside of yourself to get along?" Hit me right there!

It's not my job to 'mediate' through chaos - if other have made the mess, they can clean it up. I'm quite to be in happy to be in my beautiful, peaceful world - something no one but a 9 understands. I just retired from being a teacher; I was CRUELLY dealt with for expressing my opinions, just like at home growing up. I have no interest in dealing with negative people anymore. Just leave me alone to get on with MY life.

Fantastic video. 9 here. What comes to mind is: We tolerate people out of respect for their right to be who they are, make their choices, live their lives. Who are WE to impose our opinions on their lives. Live and let live. I’ve created my comfortable world. I’m self sufficient. Isolated in a controlled environment. I can take care of myself. When I bring people close, my empathy and emptiness inside lead me towards codependency. I look for a leader because I don’t know how to live in a social world that I can’t relate to. Focusing on others excuses me from living my own life. I know I should contribute my gifts but I only react. I don’t know how or where to initiate or jump in to the world. To take up space. Where? What? I’m not creative or inspired Waiting for the next video or book for the aha!moment. My future is completely blank other than working until retirement. Which is another external demand and I thank god I have it. I’d probably be a hermit. I feel I’m fading away as life’s external demands lessen. Raised my family (an external demand) I don’t even feel the voice or value of being a mother any more. Nothing matters to me other than my peace of mind. Argghhhh so empty inside. Waiting for someone to say ‘You’re needed here and to direct/lead me’ I think I need to work with Tom. I want so much more for myself. A rich life. I’m going to be so pissed at myself if I don’t create it

Omg, so epic! “Be a peace maker, not a peace keeper.” As a nine, this needs to be my new mantra. Thank you for being so thoughtful and kind in explaining what nineness is all about. I often don’t see my own strength and let others’ voices overpower my own willingly and yet I hate it. Such a needed reminder that I am stronger than I feel, and I need to get comfortable with discomfort for the greater good. Thank you!!! 😊

“It’s okay for me to be a separate person”… man that hits.

“Be there for others, But never leave yourself behind.”

Ohhh the golfing and boating comments hit me so hard. My deceased husband wanted me to be someone I wasn’t, and to be friends with his golfing buddies’ wives, and I was soooo angry all the time. Knowing your husband would be better off without you is a tough spot to live in. Now that he’s been dead for a year and a half, learning to focus on myself has been a challenge. Being angry has been a way of life. My therapist introduced me to the Enneagram and realizing my life is mine to create, is a scary, yet exciting thing.

The 9s are the expert crap-fitters of the enneagram. Thanks for the tip about recognizing anger, it's when things don't feel right so I start mentally crap-fitting or telling myself stories to see things from another perspective so that it feels okay. I've figured that out on my own before but need the reminder. I used to call what I did mental gymnastics. I can often recognize in the moment when I doing it now. Learning how to express my anger verbally is my growing edge now.

I watched lots of your videos on all of the types. But this one for some reason really made it click in my mind that I am a nine.

Hi Tom, I am 9w8. When you said: This is a really hard sentence.....(at around 17:32+mins). I know this. It is a lifetime of pain all in one place, and it's so shattering to me (we 9's) that if I even open that up to address it one millimeter, I can feel myself fall apart. So I do everything I can to keep it far from my active consciousness, because I can always feel it as background to every second of my life. It's a kind of well of sorrow. I carry it, but don't want to go over it again, nor talk about it with anyone else. What's the point in re-living what has already been lived? (9's KNOW to0 much!!!! We know. We are not stupid. We are extremely, consciously connected to truth. It's deep. It's pain.That's why we are quiet.

Wow, wouldnt it be amazing if there was a class for this during high school!

9"s are not afraid. We are just listening, waiting, watching and "biding our time.....we watch/wait/see/feel/hear. Hard to understand why this is hard to understand. You kinda nailed it. Listen to ALL the senses..."tensions"

Wow, this really hit home. I was taken advantage of so much growing up, especially in junior high and high school. People were always asking to copy off my homework. I even had a “friend” who asked me to write his midterm paper for him, and I did it because I had so few friends and I was afraid to lose the friendship. And even though I felt so bad about myself afterwards, it still took me until the end of the school year to realize how toxic that friendship really was.

This really brought me to tears. Weird. I always thought I was a 2, but everything you say about a 9 rings true for me as a child. This is emotional work.

AND super helpful! You helped me learn to actually "recognize" anger, and how to use it constructively. Also(in a previous vid) you mentioned it's not that 9's are lazy (ie I'm always, always "busy" ) but I realized I do tend to be busy with things that could be lower on the priority list. (Like organizing some obscure closet, while putting off the more important / obvious things.) Anyway. Thank you! ☺️

Thank you… This and all of your 9 videos are so helpful. I’m a 9w1 and I’m benefitting so much from your care, empathy and understanding. At 56, I’m getting deep and practical insights into lifelong patterns that have been difficult for me. I am deeply grateful to you and also to the comments of my fellow 9s (and INFPs). 🙏💕

"9s they wake up and then they say - wait a minute, how did I get here in life? How did I end up here? Why am I doing this job? Why am I in this relationship" spot on..

A great book for 9's is "A million miles in a thousand years" really helps you to wake up and write our own stories🥺

Well I was questioning whether I am truly a nine or not… But after this there is no question I am totally a nine… Thanks for the clarification

One thing I know for sure: I do not do well on the island of solitude. I've been there - for a year in my early teens when I had no friends, when I was in complete isolation during the pandemic, etc. - and it always wrecks me. I recently had to "break up" with some very close friends. They were so close that we were planning on moving across the country together to merge our households and start a business together. But, like Dr. Tom said, they were taking me for granted, making decisions without consulting me and just assuming I'd be okay with them, not responding to my pings to hang out, etc. I stepped back from the relationship. It's been a year and I still miss them terribly. even though I know it was the right decision to step away. This is one of the reasons it's so hard for me to risk causing conflicts that I suspect would make people leave. I *know* I won't be okay, at least in the short-to-medium term. I will be devastated, and I really don't want to go through that again. (But maybe it's something I need to figure out how to accept? I don't even know anymore...)

Our youngest brother is a 9. Everyone's attention was on him growing up but family dynamics came to a point where we started getting with our own lives. Me (eldest and 4) and our sister (middle child and 1) started getting close in our teenage years it seems we have forgotten we have a brother. Maturity then came and we're recently realizing we kinda left him out. We're trying to make up by inviting him whenever we will go out or just regularly checking with him but sometimes, I tend to feel guilty of the lost time. I hope we're able to know him more on a deeper level but I think that would take time and effort.

"Its okay to be a person" is incredibly accurate even though it sounds so strange... Seriously. I'm still working on accepting this truth, but it's very encouraging to hear. Thank you for the video.

What I've learned is that Type 9 should sit down and think about what they want in life. We get so lost in other people's perspectives that we forget our own agenda. Once you go into solitude some things will start coming up again and again. I wish, I wish, I wish...I wish I did this or that. And those are your guiding lights. Since type 9s are all about routines you can also routinise getting in touch with yourself. Set aside some time everyday when you ponder over your life. And maybe even come up with action plans to change!

Woohoo! You know I’ve been waiting for this 😍

I’m so glad you are back making podcast. Love your presentation truth lace with humor 🙏✅

I'm so excited to listen to this! I was typed as a 9 recently and have been going through your content. You're very informative and have the best timing. Thank you! 🙏❤

This is INCREDIBLY helpful! I'll definitely adopt this knowledge in my daily life. Thank you, Dr. LaHue.

It is so amazing how much what you're saying totally resonates; it cracks me up at times. Very fascinating stuff! And in a place in my life that I am FINALLY being my own person, and really, nobody likes it lol I can totally relate to kevin in home alone 🤣 I had a major eye opening awakening that started my journey to myself.

I recently bought this book, and it is fantastic, it has really helped me understand how to become more aware of my 'ego' and also how to challange my views, and believes of myself. Thanks for your thoughts and interpretation of this book!

I am a 9 and all of these things are true for me. I have dirfted thru life, like a zombie and to be honest I don't remember alot of my life. I have had bad friends and bad partners all because I go by what they want and I try to please then and they end up using me and even when I try to think about getting out or away from them, I can't help but think about. How is it going to effect them, will they be okay? It's hard being a 9 almost always being talked over. I always end up apologizing first in fights because I can stand the feeling of someone being upset with me. I have had panic attacks because i would have days where I need to go to go to multiple events that family or friends have set up. And I would try to make every single person's event. I remember once I was so exagusted I really needed to just stay home and rest but it killed me to know that if I didn't go to my friends bday party she would hate me and if I didn't go to my moms dinner she would hate me. And it was torture but my spouse gave me the strength and knowledge that I need to take care of me and I didn't go to one. I love the ennegram because it does help me to know I'm not the only 9 out there.

Even though I’ve never met you, I feel like I’m talking to a friend when I watch your videos.

Wow DR TOM!!! You are such a trusted voice. Thank you for helping me to wake up. Yay God for this enneagram tool!

Finally. I have been waiting..

I’ve been waiting for this!!

I'm a 9, and when you were talking about anger, and how that might look like... "everything is fine" I NEVER thought of it that way. Wow. Making excuses for other people's actions, or trying to rationalize them, or trying to make it okay, is what I do a lot. Your words gave me a completely different perspective on how I internalize my anger. So eye-opening, thank you!!

Great advice! Some of this applied to me as a 2 also. Thank you for sharing!

Love what you say about growth, and how one needs to be super fed up with a situation to be able to move on and grow. So nicely said and explained. (I'm not a 9, but I love watching your videos as they really help me to understand myself and others better.) Excellent video!

Oh so painful, or so true :) Thank you for these videos they are really helpful A few years ago i thought i was never angry. Until i realized that when i got upset/angry instead of getting angry id start crying without knowing why. Now I know its because of my frustration at myself for getting angry and not letting myself express it. These videos help me so much with realizing how i can fall asleep to myself and my anger and also how to recognize my anger and hopefully eventually learn to be okay with discomfort and conflicts

Yes! I need to watch this 9 more times 🤓🙏

So helpful! Also when u said “ this guy that was in our group...well he was kind of in our group” really related to me! I am below 13 and have been introduced to the enneagram and even though I am quite young (but don’t feel like it) your videos really help me thank you :)

Great thoughts on this. Thank you for sharing!

I have several close relationships that are 9’s, and don’t you ever assume that just because they’re amiable that they have no opinion….that would be a huge mistake 😳😳😳

It is released at my birthday. Thank you, it is a nice gift for a 9. :)

I want what you eat for breakfast my friend! Love yah man! "Working really hard to understand stupid" lmao my life story (yes, some anger there for me). So much spot on 9 stuff. 🙏🏻

Amazing, Thanks for sharing!

For some time I thought I was a six, though I never had the paranoia, just the safety first mentality... But listening to this video I just see myself a lot in it. I used to complain and argue a lot but that only caused me trouble, nobody cared about the same things I did. Later on I wanted to make friends but had a hard time connecting with them so I ended up trying to buy their friendship by being useful to them (often at my expense). Definitely a 9 then... Never had the problem of adopting other people agenda at the expense of my own though. But doing other people activities I didn't like because it's the only way to spend some time with them, I did it a lot.

Finally! I now finally understand that I’m a 9. For quite the while, I thought I was a 2 or 4, but throughout this entire video, it really hit home. ❤

My mom is a narcissist; so there is no arguing or standing up for myself with her. When I confront her about my childhood or her crazy and annoying behaviors, she turns into the victim and stops talking to me 😂

99% of what I hear and read about 9s resonates with me. Except the blending thing. I am the opposite: I always feel and felt different and when I accepted it I started being ok with it and, finally, really liking it. I have clear and strong opinions as well: I just keep them to myself (you know: just to avoid conflicts!). In some way I could be a 9 wing 4 :-p

Thanks Dr Tom for your great Insight. Usually none 9’s or INFJs don’t know how we work. But you explained my mind very well. It’s scary 👻!!! I have to make some big decisions in my life. I’m going to start today! I’ve gotten to be a basket case being passive. God Bless You ‼️✝️🎉😎‼️

You explain 9 perfectly well!

All so spot on 💯💯💯

Very healing.

This is definitely me as an ixfp. Always questioning everything but carrying on because I don't want to create disharmony

If you have to tell yourself everything is fine, it’s not fine”

thank you for the great video. Nice gut check for this full on 9. I like to think of myself as a chameleon that always lands on her feet no matter what.

There are always reasons, but never excuses for bad behavior A line that I enjoy and I may nine. So, it doesn’t matter the reason for the behavior, if it’s harmful it’s not OK. Also, there are no bad people. There are bad and evil behaviors, but the soul is never lost and is always good.

I just had a flash of a memory I'd nearly forgotten! When i was a teenager my dad owned a car dealership and i was allowed to drive the used cars around town sort of as an advertisement to come buy the car. So one time i had this really cool car and i was driving with my best friend to the Pizza Hut. And she said, "Whichever of us eats the most pizza gets to drive the car home." Well i already knew that was a hard no, insurance and all and i didn't want to get in trouble with my dad. But instead of just saying no, that isn't happening, i ate like 10 PIECES OF PIZZA just so that i could drive home, rather than just saying no. Now I've hit midlife and i care a lot less what people think of me. Finally.❤ She is still my best friend though.😂

I cry every time

I’m a 9w8 and I’d say I’m not really super “friendly” internally… I am on the exterior unless you’ve crossed my family and I will 8 you into the earth 😅 how can I be a 9?!?

I’m a 9. So much is spot on. But I will say, for me, if someone is just plain ridiculous or acting wrong, I do identify it. For me, it’s more when people are giving different opinions on topics I often feel like I can often see both sides of the issue so it’s hard for me to decide. But sometimes I really do agree with only one side but speaking up my disagreement is uncomfortable. When you mentioned the part about social gatherings and people bringing up politics, masks etc. Oh my gosh I totally agree that we feel like “why do you need to bring that up here and ruin the harmony?” My mother in law does that. I think she’s an 8. We’ll have a party for my kids and my extended family is happy and cracking jokes, light hearted. Then she’ll bring up topics like politics that just ruin the mood. My husband and I always commiserate about it together after she leaves. Her and her sisters are close but always arguing. It’s a normal way of life for them and they enjoy disagreeing conversations I think.

😂 I’m almost half way through this video and have to say that you are so on point! I’m a 9 so I can say that. 😊

Thanks

Oh, I didn´t know that this was suppressing anger. I thought I was just very understanding. I always say things like "Oh, they didn´t mean it like that. They probably had a traumatic childhood and that is why they act that way..."

If me showing up fully as a person damages my relationships, Is it in my best interest to actually be in these relationships?

down to be on isolation island ahhaha

Steve Martin plays the banjo. I wonder what Enneagram type he is? I've heard Robin Williams was a 7. Though accordion for the 5? News to me, LOL. But is it because it's considered a kind of strange/obscure instrument? (BTW- Love the video on the Hundred Acre Wood!)

I have been feeling disconnected from my real self 5+ years now. Because of that i was mistyping to every other Enneagram type, but 1 month ago i have accepted that i am 9. This videos really help me, thank you for that. Take care you are really great human being, everyone can see it in your eyes. (If not everyone i can clearly see it.) and good luck in your life path. INFJ 9w8.

“Sometimes you’re working really hard to understand stupid.”

Still hoping for that dedicated 9w8 video 🤞

Nines, how do you make peace with being the way you are? I’m a 9 and I hate it. Hate always being a background character, hate having to go along with everybody because they have stronger will than I do, hate being afraid to speak up my opinion because others are always smarter/better prepared/more forceful and I just look stupid and awkward when I try to give myself a bit more personality. We nines are often so bland and boring, always tiptoeing around others, scared to upset them. Deep inside I don't even really care that much about other people's feeling, so why am I doing this? I don't want to be vanilla but can't do anything about it.

I'd say it's less "don't be content" and more "be willing to expend energy to make things happen that make you and others happier." And for me, the point of saying, "Well they had a bad life," is to help me see they aren't all bad. There are some totally evil people, but those who yell at cashiers are probably troubled people, not what I call "seeking" evil. - not a 9, I believe

100% 🎯🎯🎯🎯

I have a question about health. Since Enneagram is not considered to be 100% scientifical, I think we can move sideways in the "pseudosceintific" field. I have had liver problems all my life, albeit I consume no alchool, no smoke and the least medicines I could. My liver is big, hurting and slowling its softness. My question is: being the liver associated in oriental/chinese medicine to anger, resentment, frustration, irritability and bitterness, do you think it's possible that all comes from being a 9? Do other 9s experience this kind of liver problems? Thanks

🤣😂🤣😂🤣 my father is a 5 and he plays accordeon!

Literally everyone hears my opinion…. Maybe I’m not a 9😂

Type 9 is the most delusional type of all the Enneagram - even more than 7s.

This is clearly painful

It might not be in your best interest to accommodate other people’s agendas.

Being 9w1w2, this is 💯 true 🥹