Enneagram: The High/Low Side of Type 9 

I know a 9 who "leaks" his anger onto his pets. Nines NEED people that they can open up to. They do not do well on their own; they need to be loved and appreciated, and they will be generous beyond measure and have a heart of gold toward those who love them.

I think Nines can fall into a dangerous vicious circle. They don’t want to stand out and so they are not explicitly praised or valued. This creates further anger that is expressed by isolation and passivity. Naturally, this makes them stand out even less and the spiral goes downward really fast until the fear of an unhealthy Six jolts them into action. Things can get really bad when the fear of anxiety or failure is the only thing that will get them to come out of that passivity.

It's like the "good kids" of the family who just do what their parents want, even in their adulthood.

I don´t want to fuse my agenda with others because at the end of the day, when I'm alone, I end up feeling nothing. Yesterday I felt like that, I was not happy or sad, I just didn't feel anything. And yes, I don't know what I want in life yet.

I raised a 9. I tapped into understanding personality as he entered highschool. It made our relationship amazing. It was so much easier to walk those last few years with him still being my child. I took what I learned of his personality and applied it. I understood his "laziness" so much better, his distractedness, his seemingly lack of care so much better. I brought him into projects in our home as a team mate, and my pal. We had a great relationship. He is the eldest of my 8 children. And was a gem of a kid. He is now married, a Christian man, and a great friend to all who know him. Very proud of him. But yes...... lol. All you say of the 9s. So so true.

I just spent the last 30 minutes getting roasted… but after thinking about it and reading these comments I realize that I’m not alone haha. Being a 9 sucks at times because it’s incredibly hard to step out of our comfort zones and search ourselves. We have trouble finding out who we are and what we want in life because we are so Caught up in what makes others happy and how we need to act to fit in and be liked. We’ve gotten so good at avoiding conflict with others that we’ve become certified professionals when it comes to avoiding the conflict we feel within.

The last part where he talks about not really wanting others to set the agenda for you actually brought me to tears. I know I don’t want that for myself, but it’s hard to break out of that. I really don’t want that for myself though.

As a 9 I feel acceptance with life and not necessarily a fusing with other people’s ideas or agendas. When I ask myself what I want out of life, it’s very difficult to answer. It’s not there. There is no overwhelming goal or desire. This is not distressing. I mostly want friends and for my kids to thrive. It’s hard to pinpoint goals. I’m not a striver and I don’t need accolades or admiration- never have -and I see that accolades are temporary. They feed the ego. I do not need that, however I do wish I knew of something I wanted, or would like to achieve.

I’m a 9w1 who was raised by a narcissistic parent. I learned that going into sloth mode was the most effective way to survive abuse. I was hurt the most when I had attention. While this may have given me a feeling of security growing up, as an adult, I think that muting my thoughts, feelings, and desires is my own extension of that abuse.

FIND A 4!!!! EXACTLY! I actually initially tested as a 4 because I was already moving through this growth process of self-discovery. Entirely embracing the journey of 4 from low to high seemed to be an important step to growing as a 9.

I’m a 4 and my little girl is a 9. I help her own her voice and she helps me learn to compromise. It’s funny how different we are, but it’s awesome!

I think I get stuck in my outhouse because I actually don't mind being in it. I think sometimes I actually forget I'm in it. "Oh yeah, I forgot I'm sitting on top of crap." Things have to get REALLY bad before I start moving.

“you need to go to your outhouse that’s where you get relief” oh my goodness

Ive recently just got into Enneagrams and realized Im a 9 and after watching this I never felt so understood as I do now. Now I know what I need to do to get out of my rut, thank you! Im in literal tears from this

I’m a 9 and ever since I was little in middle school, long before looking into any of this for sure, I’ve always called myself a chameleon, pretty cool you used the same analogy!

You nailed this, I am a 9w1...and couldn’t agree more. I am a dormant volcano as you said, and people are always shocked when I get fed up, since it takes me forever to get upset. But when I do I scorch the earth around me with no regrets.

I just recently found out about enneagrams. Im still trying to learn about 9's because i took an enneagram test that said I was a 9. So far from your video I am a 9. Im passive, and I can become passive agressive. I've never really been able to express anger towards my friends. I'm usually the one who avoids conflict, who doesn't voice an opinion at the thought of arousing conflict and the easy going type that just goes with the crowd. And i think thats why im finding it a little hard to really figure out who I am, because for the longest time I've just been going with the crowd. I mean still have a lot of learning to do about 9 and myself. But thank you for your video, it's helped. 😊 P.S. I like this video because you weren't only informative but you were also human. As if you were actually talking to a close relative or a loved one hahhahaha

Thank you, Dr.LaHue! I will be 60 on May 1, and I’m a 9 who really want’s to live MY life and not merge. I’ve been married 36 years, my three children are grown adults, and I’m an only child. I’ve been merging all my life making sure I’m not disconnected. Well, I’m moving into a new decade of my life and I want to live MY life. The one that God has planned for me! It’s time to go pick some apples! 🍎 Thanks again.

The last bit about 4 s be helpful to a 9 is so true. My husband is a 4 and I’m a 9 and he has really helped me to wake up to the things I’m interested in and do my own soul searching. 9s go find yourself a 4!

As a 9. I can agree about the traits of an unhealthy 9. There was one time that I felt unappreciated and taken advantage of at work and I just lost it. I became full of anxiety until it went to full depression and failed to show up at work for 2 weeks. Literally AWOL. I didn't realize I held everyone up because I was just always the follower. I didn't actually think that what I did actually mattered. When I finally went back, then that is when I realized I messed up the whole process.

Thank you for saying 9s think people are stupid. Too often we are portrayed as loving everyone and very zen. If I don't like you, I just avoid you. Seems obvious for conflict avoidance, but not often discussed.

As a 9, going along with what others want has led to me losing my identity over time. My life can be all about my husband and kids lives and not my own interests and joys. Figuring out how to find myself and express what I prefer is important for personal development in relationships.

When you basically said we need to deal with our anger or it will leak out...whoa! I always prided myself on "keeping a cool head" and not getting angry. I have felt ashamed when I notice it leaking out. Even though it's hard to hear, thank you so much for these insights. They are so eye-opening!

I'm a 9w1. Most of the time I'm fairly stable and within the average to healthy side of a 9. But with all this craziness surrounding COVID-19, social distancing, and everything else that's going on, I feel like I've been bouncing back and forth between the high/low of 9 on a nearly daily/every other day basis. There will be a days where I'm very productive, getting work done (within 48 hours of the shutdown in California I figured out how to teach my Sunday School class online), and engaged with life and then there will be a days where it takes nearly all my effort to get up and eat and I have now idea if I should scream at or hide from life. But then something happens, usually a conversation with a friend, and then I'm out of that rut, until the cycle decides to repeat itself again after a few days. Your comment about finding a 4 is quite true as the conversations I've had with a friend of that personality type have been extremely helping in me to understand who I am.

Thanks for helping me understand my type 9 teenage daughter!

The "putting a lid on it" and "sloth" analogies were spot on. As many have commented, some of the advice may sound harsh or like a tough dad, but it's what I needed to hear today. - a procrastinating 9

This is the most helpful instruction I've heard on my nineness, and I've listened to alot.

Wow. Thank you. Been sleeping for 41 years going along with what’s happening. Haven’t really stopped to ask the hard questions of what I want for myself and life. Now going through things and have to figure it out. Wasn’t until recent that I discovered my type and why. Now I need to move forward. You nailed me to a t and that was good. Thank you. Got some searching to do now.

The whole bit about needing to feel anger was Definitely worth the video and exactly what I needed to hear.

Thank you so much for this video! I realised so many things and today was no longer scared to show my anger to two persons who were disrespectful to me. It was a great feeling finally not to be afraid of a conflict. Bless you!

This is so interesting. I’ve only just begun to look in to Enniagrams. I’m a 9w1 and my husband is a 4w3, it’s been a real eye opener in terms of understanding our relationship and our roles within it. I most certainly have been casually water skiing behind his powerboat, he’s a hugely brave and creative person who makes me want to be my best self. I have also been very happy to be the facilitator and home maker whilst he’s achieving great things. I never thought about how I had never really known ‘me’ and what I like until I started counselling a year ago. There are times when I’m exhausted by his lust for life just want to go to sleep to the energy and ‘mess’ that he invites (my favourite word is comfort) but I’m so grateful for my 4, who’s really taught me so much. Thank you for your insights 😊

I think a good response to the question of “why can’t I live this way if I want?” Is because it’s coming from a place of fear. And operating from a fully fearful place isn’t what we want for the people in our lives. Of course people can still make whatever decisions they want but ultimately if I see people in my life who are mostly making decisions due to fear, I’m going to wish more for them because that’s what love and care looks like. If the people in my life are okay with me being in my negative 4 place all the time and operating in that fear/shame, then I’d question how much they really care. When you love people you want them to be free of their own chains.

Can't thank you enough. Spot on 👌 One of the best videos on enneagrams!

I have mistyped myself as a 2 for years but did not at all relate to the wanting to be needed aspect of a 2. This video gave me such a good perspective on what a 9 is instead of being lazy, undriven and easy going. The way you showed how a 9 can reach up to a 3 and dip down to a 6 .... just made it so clear to me.

Im such a 9 and just realized theres more people out there like me starting to understand myself

Get in the game !! Very good reminder I feel like I've stuck or maybe asleep in the out house for ages .

Seriously, one of the best 9 videos right here. Thank you!

Thanks, again for speaking truth from your heart! My partner in life is a 9, I'm a 4 and I think I have helped him achieve his goals, and also figure out what he wants in life. In exchange, he has helped me stay calm in times of chaos. The palm tree analogy resonates ;)

So spot on. Therapy is helping me not to let life pass me by.

Really enjoyed this. You are very knowledgeable, and your energy is sincere and caring.

This was SO helpful and so well delivered. Heard the message loud and clear. Thank you!!

Thank you for the video. This video has shown me how much I have accomplished as a 9. More than I ever give myself credit for. I'm finally a healthy 9 and reach into the 3 a lot. A planner has changed my life. I check off what needs to be done.

You're getting pretty good at understanding the different types. When you said, quoting a nine, "if I want to be a spectator and fuse my will with someone else, then why is that a problem," I was taken aback by how much you understood what that means. I know that's not the way you see the world but you're taking another's perception really seriously. Most people don't stop and think about how another's perception can be debilitating. It's easy to say "I'm not experiencing that pain so I don't understand what your problem is." I don't make sense.

I’m a 9w1 and married myself a 4w5! We’ve both been so so happy together! I chuckled when you said us 9’s need to find a 4! I’m so glad I found my 4! Also, I find that I’m so much more sluggish when I’m physically in pain. When I’m hurting, I don’t sleep well (I need lots of sleep...) and I just hurt all day and mentally exhausted. I’m really working to physically get well so I can be totally healthy as a 9!

Best video on 9's that I've seen yet. Thanks for your insight and personal take!

Having been adopted and having struggled with reactive attachment disorder this really hits the nail on the head for me. There were times i felt like I was wrestling between being a creative artist and being a dutiful soldier. Recently in the last few years I've done a good job of balancing the swings between my feelings as well as verbally communicate with those around me how I'm feeling. There were years after I graduated college that I spent time in my "outhouse" and in depression. I was frozen in time. But thankfully with the help of family, friends, and God I have been able to get the ball rolling. Right now I'm working 2 jobs, working on becoming a professional golf instructor and hopefully some time next year becoming a golf club professional, which I'm super excited about! All that to say, to all my fellow 9's you got this! You are seen and heard! You're doing great! And you will do great things! Let me add a quote my therapist told me a long time ago and I think he was quoting something else when he said it but it was "a ship is safe at harbor but that's not what ships are for". Also also Mr lahue, it's very cool you went to Grace for your mdiv, I went there for my undergrad and was there for a year and a half working on a masters in counseling! Small world!

Great information! So glad I found your channel! Lots to think about.

"just playing it safe is not safe" great words and great video. thank you.

You have described my husband in detail. I have lived with my type 9 husband for 10 years. Whatever the absolute opposite of a 9 is that is me. I never understood why people call this type the peace making type because I never feel like issues are resolved. He wants no conflict ever. How can you experience peace unless you resolve issues? That's not peace making; that's peace faking. A degree of conflict is necessary to achieve peace.

wow the nines get the message that they need to take on the values of the dominant people but deep down they never do and it creates resentment and conflict in my experience

Thank you Dr. Tom to learn more about myself. Sometimes I have to push myself or more often have to be thrown into a situation where I have to do a project. It is scary, but once I have actually finished the project and I feel so wonderfully alive! Now I understand why and maybe how to move myself towards that 3...sometimes. Overall, I do like being a nine because that is how I feel most comfortable. I'm going to watch your video "Help for Type 9's" to see if you have advice on how to learn to make my own decisions and how to know what it is that I want.

Oh my goodness when you started talking about how nine's feel about other people, that we think they can be ignorant but you just better find a way to work around it. DANG. I felt so called out. Honestly, this whole video has been a real eye-opener to both my passive-aggressive nature and my tendency to bury my needs until they explode. It's not healthy! Thank you for these videos, and thank you for your work in the world.

You are like a therapist for me. Thank you!

THANK YOU DR. TOM!!!!!! You nailed it!!!! 9s either don't know the damage they can do to other people or they are very Insidious. LOL Masterpiece video.

Thank you for your wonderful videos! I have to say, my mom and I (both for sure 9's) just watched your video and we cracked up at the end when you asked us to say that out loud about wanting to follow what others want! We both truly feel like that's exactly where we want to be in life-I know that may be hard to believe, but so true! :) I do wish occasionally I had the drive of some of my "3" friends, but being a stay at home mom and being there for my husband, kids, parents, friends and tons of other people is exactly where I want to be, and it stresses me out to think about a job "taking me away" and causing me to lose connection with others (and my job being an "inconvenience" to others who depend on me). :( But one day I do hope to be in a place where I can say it's my time, but at the same time, even writing that makes me a little sick lol! Maybe a part-time not so stressful position would be ideal for most 9's. :) Thanks again for your wonderful videos, my family watches them all and they have been such a blessing to us!

i am a 9 and i’ve just discovered this about myself in the lowest low point of my outhouse. i cried throughout this entire 32 minutes video because i have never felt so understood. it all makes sense but i still feel so deep into the unhealthy version of 9 that any thoughts of getting better seem daunting and impossible

This is GOLD. Thank you very much

It feels very good to see this video ! Glad that someone could really and actually understand me ‘ everything that you said is very trueeeeeee ! Thank you so much

So, so good! This helps me understand 9s so much better. Thank you so much!

Thank you, this was the video i needed to hear. This gave me so much insight

My sister shared this video with me as I just discovered that I was a 9 yesterday. It's as if I'm being described here perfectly. I lost my wife last year to a long struggle with Lupus and I've been trying to get my life back together. I actually thought I was a six at first until I took a test. The description of being in the outhouse of a 6 and struggling to be more of a 3 is totally a perfect message for me and is giving me some much needed hope and understanding. Thank you for sharing this with so much depth.

That's me ! Thank you for the advice.

Many of my closest friends are 9's. I am a type 4. I love them dearly - especially because they totally accept me and my uniqueness. Now I know how to help them, too. Thanks!

Making people late from time to time is the smallest of all the problems of the world, Dr Lahue! 9’s are precious gems! They balance the world’s madness. We are so lucky to have them! 🙏❤️🌸

This is such truth. Now I am super aware that I am a type 9, I see myself in this so much. I am classically easy going and also can really get stuck in the mud and lose myself. Thank you for this wisdom.

Wow, thank you. As a wife and step mother (and teacher) to 9s this is very illuminating and helpful to me. In the “defense” of 9s I can see how my spouse is like a 6 in terms of being action oriented in that being driven by fear - however - how it is “performed” is by being responsible performing the important tasks of responsibilities. “What do we need to be secure? How can we be prepared for this disaster? What could go wrong? What aren’t we being told by authorities? (Skeptic) and getting the ducks in a row to avoid disaster. As an aspiring Enneagram coach, this helps me discern the difference between fear based action of 9 versus the get the time so list done 1. Very helpful. Your articulation of neighbors and moving to the out house and apple orchard are wonderful metaphors which aid in clearer understanding in a fun way. 😎 You’re a wonderful teacher. Being your student is eye opening in a fun and profoundly helpful way. Yay.

Trippy!! i just had a 4 kick me into being able to make a big decision i’ve been struggling to make forever

Incredibly helpful - thank you for this video.

Dr. Tom, I'm so happy to have found your channel. You've helped me see I am a SP4w5 and now I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is a SP9w1. Thanks so much.

I just stumbled upon this video out of curiosity, as I’ve taken the Enneagram test four times. Funnily enough I got 9 twice, then a 6, and then 1. This video kind of knocked my socks off, so to speak. What an excellent video, and it hit so close to home. 👍🏻.

What amazes me is that a 7 has the patience to study other personality types!!! How come u are not out there looking for the next pleasure? A new toy?... a new body? Brilliant analysis of the 9. Many thanks. 9w8 :)

9w8 The most cost effective rebellion is witholding compliance. A broken cog gets replaced, a faulty one gets oiled.

Man what is happening is this magic or something? Why am I uncontrollably laughing and sobbing at the same time??

I am E4. My husband E9. I love all you talked about E4 and now I am loving what you says for E9. I shared this video to my loved husband. I hope this helps him. Thank you very much to share a very complete information with love, fun and respect. Love your channel.

I love your personality. Thank you for the information it was super helpful!

100% accurate! I laughed when you said “go find a Four”; I’m married to one 😄

Oh my gosh, this is me to a T. Thank you so much for helping me understand myself a bit better

I love it in the inner sanctum. I can move toward motivation and achieving but not to the point that it requires excessive interaction with people.

Thank you so much for this video. I’ve been in the outhouse for a while and I’m ready to start taking those steps towards 3. I’m excited to try again gosh thank you so much

I laugh so much watching these videos. Resonating SO much! I appreciate the content!

I came across this video randomly, but I am a 9 and this was really powerful. Thank you, and I know how strange this will sound to anyone who isn’t a 9, but thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to be me and that that’s really what my friends and loved ones want from and for me.

Thank you for helping us unterstand the “program“ and activate the true self

As a 9, I would be the last one to get ready because I let everyone else use the bathroom before me, and not prioritizing my needs or valuing my own time. Then I would rush out the door bc I didn't want to keep everyone waiting. And it would hurt my feelings if someone yelled at me because the last thing a 9 wants is to be the source of conflict.

Oh my gosh!!! I contacted my closest 4 friends earlier today while thinking over some earlier videos!! 😂 I asked them that EXACT thing! Oh my word!

this was very helpful, thank you so much!

This was very insightful!

Thank you so much! Love your teachings

Silently fume! Agreeing to something with no intention of actually doing it! Being last in the car because I just had to do something last minute, this is so accurate when I’ve been working too hard, or too many late nights, I just can’t push forward with my energy, and other people are making me do things when I need to recharge. You’re also accurate when I’m too low for too long, my energy kicks back in to move me.

I’ve witnessed the health of my spouse 9 as an accomplished accompanist in performance art. Merging with great musicians to kick the virtuosity and expression of a performing group up sky high. For example improvising alongside a poet, as a jazz musician aiding the soloist here and being the soloist there within the groups artistry. What I would say he wants is the thrill of being a contributing and valuable artist within a group experience. That’s what he wants - I think - To merge with an ensemble as a co creator or a sublime experience, and to be cherished for being part of that circle of friends, artists, family of creators. It also gives him A sky for his wings and stage for his voice. What I love about 9 performers is that they merge with the art and give themselves to the art. In performance it’s about the art not them. 9s make great artists within ensembles. I’ve witnessed 9s in family be excellent by creating more harmonious families because they want to be a cherished member in the family and cherish their family and because they WANT a family and want to enjoy being lived and valued in it.

Very helpful video! Both informative and encouraging! First time looking into this and doing the enneagram test and I'm a type 9 (98% match). And this video is amazing! It's like he knows me! lol

Love your videos! Thank you!!!

As a 9 I lack motivation I do want more. thank you for helping me realize that I can excel.

Thank you, working on understanding my type 9 husband.

2 months ago someone told me about Enneagrams an I have been reading an watching teachings I took one of those quick test to see where I fit actually I took it three times I was kind confused. I stumbled some would say but I think God directed me to your teachings on you tube , they were so very helpful you were some good at explaining I had to laugh at some of your examples cause it was so right on . I wanted to thank you!! I now I know I am a 9 I thought for a while I was a 2 or a one but kept going back to the nine you made it so clear. It was really helpful to watch your teaching on coaching a 9w1 . Thank you very much keep up the great work very much appreciated!

Dr. Tom it is like you know me personally... This is seriously top notch content and deep insight into type nine. You are amazing!! Could you also please make a video or let us know a few concrete steps pertaining to daily lives that we can do to reach our Cabins from out House and later even go uphill. That'll be so helpful.. Thank you and I totally respect your knowledge.

“What you nines really need is to find a four”….(long sigh). Social 4 here: and basically, all the closest relationships I have? Are with 9s… It has been…really hard. I know why we have the connection we do, and for us, it’s that 9s are willing to hear our perspective and not make us feel judged. A 4 needs a person who can really hear them out and not make them feel shame for all the terribly painful things they feel but often hold back from others because they fear opening up too much will land them dismissed, or judged. 9s free us in that way. In return, we’re good at helping 9s put into words what they can’t find the words to express, while holding them accountable to themselves, and what THEY want, not just telling us what we want to hear. A good 4 will hold you accountable to yourself as a 9: But the sinister side of 9s is that they lack all accountability. 9: “i SAID sorry! i didn’t MEAN to/I didn’t KNOW better”. See, 4s can see through that. First of all, you guys like to pursue your own agenda, even when you KNOW better, because you can always lean on the façade of naïveté later. You’d rather say “sorry” than ask permission. Then you play innocent or play “dumb” when you get caught. “I didn’t know better, I didn’t realize”. It could be spelled out directly to you, and sometimes, you just choose to disregard it, hurt people in the process, and think “i’ll just do this to make up for it later”. This causes damage that you refuse to avoid causing. You sabotage the relationships in your life by putting your own fantasy or agenda above a person’s actual feelings, and its dehumanizing when you aren’t actually listening to what a person is putting time and energy into, for you, to try to make the relationship work. A lot of the time, you’re not really listening, you’ve got your defense lined up and ready, and it doesn’t matter what the person says for the next 3 sentences- you are just waiting to pursue YOUR agenda and make your excuse or justification, which always fails to acknowledge that INTENT is meaningless compared to the IMPACT your senseless impulsivity had on another person who dared to be courageous enough to open their heart and love you. You make people feel insane when you try to act like “why would I ever sabotage myself on purpose, I hate conflict”. You “hate” conflict but you use “forgetfulness” and “i didnt know better” type behaviors to try to gaslight people into thinking they are wrong for getting upset with you when you poked the hornets nest again and again, gently, until someone finally erupts, and then you can act shocked. You act innocent, but then cause commotion and chaos, until the OTHER person finally gets upset enough for you to meet them with the anger that was YOURS all along- you just create a scenario where THEY are the one who “initiates” the conflict (when really they are just reacting to something you did to sabotage a situation/create conflict), because you want them to “start” the conflict, so that you can have the grounds you so desperately want to unleash your anger and express desires you’ve subverted until this moment. I have often had my 9 friends say “9s sometimes have to learn the hard lesson, unfortunately. We do it to ourselves”. But you do it to OTHERS too. If someone dares to love you, to trust you, to do the work it takes to patiently help you find yourself, please don’t continue to act like “i just didn’t know better”. It’s painstaking to realize you were just someone, who could have been ANYONE in this 9s life: they just were seeking an outlet for their agenda, and would take on the interests of any person who is willing to just be there. The painstaking feeling of being in a relationship with a 9 is the constant feeling of “you care more about keeping me in your life at any cost, than you ever cared about me thriving, or finding any modicum of happiness that I could derive from outside of what you could provide”. If you have a 4 you care about, surprise them sometimes. Take them somewhere they’ve never gone before. Be sincere in your apologies and your praise. And let them know that you care about their happiness enough to let them go when they need it, because you love them, and their happiness means more to you than your need to possess or smother them. Don’t keep making empty promises to change or be better. And if this person does a lot for you, the best thing you can do for them? Is understand that providing comfort and convenience is nice- but enriching their life, encouraging them to thrive, taking an active role in making them better outside of comfort or convenience, really makes a difference. Don’t reduce our relationship to “help me figure myself out”, when 4s need that just as bad. And most importantly: don’t fall in love with the idea of US, and don’t make US fall in love with the idea of you. The second you don’t live up to the fantasy cosplay you’ve projected yourself to be- its incredibly painful to realize, sometimes years later, that that person you thought you loved, does not exist. But that they were happy to be loved as an “idea”, despite how you wanted to not be loved for the idealized version of yourself, but rather who you really are, flaws and all. Don’t project an idealized image of your own desire onto us, and don’t project an idealized false version of yourself onto us. We don’t want to fall in love with a person who does not exist. Role playing is not fun for us. It’s painstaking.

I have also witnessed the disintegrated 9 picking up the bad habits of 3. They will make decisions out of urgency and have this anxiety (the 6) that they have not achieved the external things of 'success'. So to 'get their lives in order' they come to believe they need a new job title, more money, new car, gotta buy a house 'cause everyone else has, etc. all the while overlooking what is missing within--that they have become a shell. Lots of talk about needing to 'achieve' shallow things, but very little follow through. Absolutely agree they need to sit down with a 4, but a disintegrated 9 cannot accept that they're not liked by everyone (as it is their very behaviour that is putting people off to begin with). When like this, they completely define themselves according to others and others' standards. There is no 'there' there anymore. In that sense they are the opposite of a 4, where 4s withdraw to gain their identity and sense of self but 9s need others to define what their roles are. Disintegrated 9s are quite opinionated, always right and filled with a lot of resentment and anger that they refuse to admit is there. Life becomes a series of surface level exchanges and pleasures.

Thank u. I find this Fascinating! I know now where I need to improve. God used u to help 🙏

Great video! I really am enjoying your videos I have watched! One question for you, you mention looking at our own desires as a type 9. I have constantly struggled with just going along with everyone else (which is not always a terrible thing.) but how do you recommend starting to know what our own desires/goals are? I know what my interests are, but how do you turn those into actual goals? In another video you mentioned a TV type 9 is Jerry from parks and rec... 100% true. I don’t really have career goals, but when he retires you see his true passion is his family. That’s kinda how I feel.

Thank you so much for this video ❤️