Sad that she doesn't address the dramatic reduction of relationships because of the rapid increase of poverty in the west. This is a talk for the old and the elite. No employer is asking the average American about the "quality" of their relationship with their wage slaves. Elites are sociopaths by definition. It never enters an elites mind.
one of those moments when you think that internet is one of the best things happened to you. Pure gold of knowledge poured over here. Total gratitude for Esther and everyone else involved.
It was chilling when she mentioned : “How you treat others tells a lot about yourself” Much of the current society seems self consumed, blame, and poor me mentality. They (in general) talk of gratitude yet hearing a thank you in the course of one’s day is rare.
Esther Perel is the type of person society should glorify, and look up to as we celebrities, for her intellect and emotional intelligence helps solve many of our problems. Can we stop idolising people using useless criteria such as looks and bank account (unless they are an Elon Musk)
with all due respect for most of the time humans have been on earth (some 200, 000 years) we didn't practice monogamy. I'm just curious to know why you think monogamy is the default. If she used the word unnatural, I think a better word would be "uncommon". Of course some people always practiced monogamy but as a species that wasn't as common for us, just like it's not common among bonobos chimpanzees to be monogamous-it's not unnatural, just not common. It wasn't widely practiced for cultural reasons until recently, and even now definitions are muddled. As she says, monogamy when first defined was one person for life and now is defined as "one person at a time." and the definition keeps evolving. And she does say there are differences between men and women but many of those differences are cultural and not biological or hard-wired. Some are biological but many differences that are touted as biological are absolutely socially constructed and passed off as biology. Emotions is one example I can think of. All humans feel the same emotions and in certain circumstances-the same intensity-doesn't matter your gender, but women have been touted as the more "emotional" sex when studies have proven that that's not true but the way emotion is EXPRESSED is moderated by culture. And the reasons why a man or a woman are feeling an emotion can come from different societal pressures and expectations. For example, a woman may feel intense guilt for sleeping with 4 people in one day while a man may feel no guilt at all because of the way culture views so called "promiscuous" women. Furthermore, women are allowed to outwardly express a range of emotions without being stigmatized but men cannot because to be "like a woman" would be the worst thing he can be according to a sexist culture.
@DarthYuYevon But we do know from studying cultures using surveys and observational studies that one partner for life (if that is how we are defining monogamy) is rare among humans. We also know this from studying cultures who have not changed much in 200 000 years like the hunter gather tribes in paupa new guinea. In the book by Lewis Morgan called "Ancient Society" he presented the results of his study of the Iroquois, a Native American hunter-gatherer society in upstate New York. The Iroquois, Morgan observed, lived in large family units based on polyamorous relationships, in which men and women lived in general equality. Yes, all studies have flaws but your opinion does not hold weight against well-designed, years-long longitudinal studies that try to minimize error. Just anecdotally speaking, how many couples in modern society do you know that have stayed with the same person for their whole lives even (in countries like the US that uphold monogamy to highest standard the divorce rate is 50% and second marriage divorce rate is 65%-this is going by public records) I don't know many couples who stay together for life. You say it can't be scientifically proven that we are mostly non-monogamous (which I disagree) but have you or has anyone else scientifically proven that we are? The quote I mentioned is to illustrate how the definition of monogamy keeps changing and evolving with culture. I doubt there was even a word for monogamy thousands of years ago. Where are your monogamy studies? Who are your sources? You citing you and your wife as monogamous and a few others you know does not prove anything either. And how are you defining monogamy? Please point me to the rigorous studies on monogamy that you have read, and I will be happy to read them. As for the example you gave about women not wanting to be like men because of a beard-you've taken one example I gave and then used another example that doesn't apply. If women hold in their emotions they are not looked down upon the way men are if the express theirs fully. Because to be "like a man" in that way is not frowned upon but to be emotional like a woman is. That's culture. Facial hair and other characteristics that are in fact biological have nothing to do with that. But now that we are on the subject, there are some heterosexual women I know who do like having beards because sex, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, and gender expression are all mutually exclusive categories that have different meanings. Sex has turned out to be quite complex as well with multiple combinations of chromosomes such as XO, XXY, XYY and other conditions things aren't so black and white. Anyway, something tells me we might continue to disagree on all of this, but that's okay. That's what discourse is about.
Can't get enough of her beautifully expressed wisdom....a voice of clarity beckoning us to our inner voice amidst the confusion of our irrational chaotic world today....thank you for being a beacon on my path.
Oeff ! Esther is glorious! Her knowledge and wisdom should be spread like gospel. She has tremendous experience with people and her processing and enterpretation of society is fascinating. I love her. ❤❤❤❤
BRILLIANT! And the woman on her device, texting during the talk!!! ILLUSTRATING THE POINT. Pure gold. That sort of behaviour is RUDE. It is so strange how THAT has become the NORM and people now seem unaware that they are being rude.
@@zedtibetan3291 Yes. That's a possibility. And I'm assuming that, because she's there and because Esther Perel is such an extraordinarily good speaker, the woman is probably actually interested in what's being said. It was just rather perfect timing for WHAT was being said in that moment ... and then I've experienced younger people doing this without the least compunction. That there is an entire generation that seems ignorant of the importance of micro expressions, body language and cues, that they don't seem to know how important RESPONSE is; keeping eye contact when one is spoken to, nodding, verbal confirmation/recognition/response ... and sometimes behaving as if not there in the same room with the person speaking. (Since a show of interest in the conversation and respect for the speaker is good manners). It breaks my heart. These are things we learn from our parents. So... this tells me that MY GENERATION abdicated their responsibilities when it came to parenting; that they didn't impart some very basic skills ... and in so doing, have handicapped their children. But perhaps I'm over reacting?
@@nupursingh5037 ... MANNERS: If you are badly brought up, you won't have been taught that when someone is speaking, it is RUDE to spend your time looking away, occupying yourself with something else (this is the behaviour of an insolent teenager). It is polite and a SHOW OF RESPECT to look at the person who is speaking, to give them your attention and respond AS AN AUDIENCE MEMBER, because YOU TOO ARE PARTICIPATING in the lecture. IF YOU DON'T KNOW THIS, then I am very sorry that your education was so lacking.
Don’t judge the woman with the phone. She might be taking notes. She might be jotting down key words, so she remembers the context later. She might be talking to her kid. There might be a perfectly acceptable reason why she is on her phone, yes, even whilst someone else is talking. Stop fucking judging, all of you who are. This has nothing to do with manners.
@@ChocolateJewels The ability to BE PRESENT in the moment, simply with another, without devices, without distractions is leaking out of our society at such a rate ... the way species are disappearing from the planet. It isn't simply manners. There is a whole lot more going on and our inability to even discuss this, or look at it deeply, is disturbing. Perhaps you don't mind living in a world where people don't think that eye contact is important ... but we have a country here (the US) where over half the population is on anti-depressants. That is a lot of suppressed pain. You get up and speak to to an auditorium of people who are too busy looking at their devices to pay attention to what you are saying and see how that feels.
Anyone else appreciate the camera man for pointing at the woman 'stroking her phone' while Esther talks about ambiguous loss and how media multitasking makes others feel as though they don't really matter?
Esther, my namesake... Ur a star as u are aptly named. U rock my world and have shaken me out of my complacency. Shifted my paradigm on how relationships has tons of Grey areas to deal with. I'm born again since hearing u daily. Just love u so much.
She’s amazing in relationship advising. Genuine honest realistic and perfect analysis of changes in relationship patterns n dynamic over the years from one generation to next! I just love her n her work!
*soft skills… that’s a term I haven’t heard in a while. I was just talking to my boss about it, their take “how great technology is” and I kept asking how about soft skills and reaching out to (employees) at a human level? How about building connections?” Love this woman. She’s brilliant!
Ms Perel is probably the wisest person I've ever listened to. She doesn't just communicate academic insights into the psychology of relationships, she has the deep understanding of how modern life has shaped our larger emotional experience.
I've always had a rough relationship with food and my body. The thing that really helped me was Forwago. Now I workout three times a week, and I started to eat much healthier. And the best thing about it is that I don't hate doing it but actually enjoy it.
My neighbors are my friends for half of my life. Each of them has a key to get into my home to take care of it whilst I’m away. That’s the beauty of a country life.
I feel there is a version of 'man up' for women. We are supposed to be strong...to take care of everyone and look after ourselves last and if we get upset or angry, then we are monsters.
That is YOUR perspective. Everybody man and woman have duties, needs, and all deserve respect and love. What you’re describing is a choice a woman makes to be a martyr for her family. Did someone force her to do this? For whatever reason, she chose and decided that her own well-being comes last, she chose to let everyone and her family walk all over her. You need to be both selfless and selfish. Women complain about housework and child care and juggling everything but everyone has issues and struggles! A woman and man are simply partners and both have strengths and weaknesses based on past experience, childhood, personality and culture. A version of “man up” for women? Yes, it is called being mature, responsible and accountable for both genders. Supposed to be strong? Women ARE strong, who says we aren’t? Don’t we juggle absolutely everything? From kids, to house, careers, to finances, to being good wives, good daughters and members of our society? You say we take care of everyone first and ourselves last. Really? Isn’t that what encouraging priorities and compassion and love, for others and ourselves because they need each other. We are not monsters for being angry we are living things. Don’t animals feel anger? How could we be monsters for feeling angry? Angry at what tho? You are being vague about a very real issue which I understand but you’re being general as fuck. There are lots of reasons that make up that specific situation. Your mindset is what gives you the power to change it because you sound completely powerless. Women are not powerless, women are strong and it’s not a bad thing. So you as a woman should re-evaluate your thinking and pessimistic opinion on a very vague issue you have brought up. Be an angry woman with a purpose. Do people like it? No, nobody likes anybody angry around them. If you scare them they will listen to you, so why are you so angry? Have some courage and integrity to stand up for yourself and your needs, opinions and feelings and say them loud and clear because they are what makes you YOU. But also keep in consideration those around you and their own struggles and their own perspectives. A person who willingly gives away control of their emotions and declares themselves “not strong”, who victimizes oneself first instead of trying to resolve the issue while blaming everyone else is the real monster. Self-reflect often lady learn to love yourself because you sound like you need it. Cheers.
Some women just need a break in jail with a simple battery case , if a woman is raised watching her mother do crazy things then she will turn out a hysterical monster also LOL
I am a teacher presently, but watching this incredible woman and her ideas inspire me - I’m realising I’d love to move into her field. Into relationship counselling / therapy… or even better - into the academics of relationships and social dynamics ! Thanks for having an amazing skill for communication, for reminding me that there are alternative ways to help and make a difference to peoples lives. Hope I can figure a way to follow your footsteps 😊🤞🏻
I am Romanian and her point is 100% true. And to add, many try hard to put up this perfect life, that they become miserable, and then they see others just as them and they hate the others because they think they are happy and they wish they could as well....
Esther Perel , Thank you for a great presentation that enlightened us with the core issues of our relationships. You have an amazing insight to the dna of issues and also the broad spectrum of human behaviors. We are able to see through many lenses the dynamics of our relationships in many different stages and forms. Mentors are very essential and I believe every couple must have one from the commencement of their relationships. Every boat sails choppy waters and storms once or more .We need to be better captains and also good swimmers.
@@peterjandros2173the intent is not to remake yourself. The statement is that continuing the status quo will not help either person. Change can be as simple as stating,"I won't accept this from you" to as complex as an internal reassessment of why you tolerate any behaviors outside of your own. Sometimes changing yourself means making the other choose to leave.
Esther, I feel really stimulated by your overnight “rumination”!! I see you as a refined observer of this monumental remake of relationships across the board and across the centuries! Your deep observations act as a mirror where we all of us have the opportunity to see ourselves and acknowledge what we are doing and how we feel about the reaction our behaviors cause around us . . . I also like your cultivated background that informs your worldview! As a deeply reflective therapist I consider myself, I present you here my respect for organizing your knowledge and perception in a reflective and renewed way. THANK YOU 🙏🏻
Beautiful. I am woman but for so long I have kept silent thinking men are right but through life I have learned not all men are right in my reality according to they didnt have a role model nor did those who they are following. So I see everyone has to hear them selves and discern what is to what is not to their reality
I want to work with her on this transmutation and the real pandemic, which is mental/emotional/spiritual health crisis... the journey to know thyself and reconnect is imperative
I was a caregiver to my son and mother, they were both terminally ill from cancer!!! First generation of immigrant parents. It was tough!!! I learned how to manage.
There were many things to pick from this beautiful 😍 lecture but some of the glorious ones that I enjoyed hearing are listed below 👇 1. It's not difficult to be right and alone. So, we have to make a community around good things. 2. There are three fundamental underlying subjects that are hidden in different relationship conflicts: power and control; closeness and care; recognition and respect. 3. Make a distinction between listening 🎧 and agreeing. 4. Thriving relationships are those that straddle contradictory needs; like the need foe security and the need for adventure, the need for relatedness and the need for separatness, the ability to hold on and be grounded in things and also leaps to new territories. 5. In the past societies, you were rarely alone but you were barely free.
Jesus Christ thank you , this woman is the wake up call that everyone should listen to before venturing a relationship of human kind ,through my old bad encounters and now after Listening to this woman and remember the female partner I NOW LOST WHO BRAGS ABOUT THE WORD "iNTIMACY" which I found too lately it meant only for Good Fuck her way or the Highway and now listening to this ANGEL EXPLAINING and basically showing me my bad flaws in choosing life partner ,, and yes I ma wrong as I also thought same.. that is what I meant by Wake up Call.. I wish I traced her 13 years ago as yes I lost 13 years living the fake reality.. yet there is still more time .. Mercy Be on Us Lord .
With so much human evolution. We are still operating in relationships as if we just came to the planet. It is going to take new wisdom, creativity, open mindedess and heart to create a high level standard in which we operate in relationships.
Problem is, I am on the Autism Spectrum. When therapist find out I am near 50 years-old without a relationship they freak out. I wish there guidelines for therapist to understand those on the Autistic Spectrum.
I feel like that's inevitable, they both are well-known and have a lot of range beyond just relationships/gender, although I'm sure they would discuss that as well
25:00 i have to respectfully disagree. i believe women have a "code" as well. i have felt "less than" or "not womanly enough" many times in my life because i do not typically subscribe to what society deems as feminine. i would like to think about/ examine this more in my life. grateful for this talk!!
meow meow I understand exactly what you are trying to say, but I have heard her speak on this more extensively in other talks and I think she is talking less about categorizing differences between external measures of masculinity and femininity and more that men are methodically cut off from the world of emotional intelligence from a very young age. And even as children, they are expected to not process or at the very least not visibly express vulnerable emotions considered "weak". Also, the social resources that exist for hurt, damaged, downtrodden, sad, depressed women are innumerable and ultimately foster our emotional development throughout our lives. We get to intake that and it affirms what we already know to be acceptable, little things like being able to cry in public or to open up about times we've felt vulnerable. Our culture embraces and even to some degree celebrates the dissection of women as victims of various circumstances, despite all the toxic systemic reasons we end up in those circumstances, while also largely ignoring any of those equivalent stories for men. Talk shows are a great example where this is evident. Even socially, we embrace the idea that women come together to lift each other up when they are down. We are encouraged to lean on one another. Men are told to "toughen up", essentially to swallow any experience of feeling sad, depressed, defeated, etc.... and to not share it because they will be viewed not just by women as weak, but especially by other men! I think this has less to do with cultural codes for external measures of femininity and masculinity. She is using "man up" as a way of commenting on what essentially is synonymous with "there is no acceptable place or space for you to feel and experience vulnerable emotions/you are forbidden from expressing these as part of a contract of being a man"... not as a commentary on what men must do externally to prove their masculinity. Women are from a young age almost overburdened with the idea that we have more emotions and are passively conditioned to carry out not only our own emotional labor but also the emotional labor of men, and men are conditioned to do the exact opposite, to do virtually nothing in the realm of emotional development to have virtually zero agentive understanding of their emotional needs, because this threatens the false idea that "men don't experience emotional vulnerability". Sorry for that long-winded reply. ;)
@@Paylala This is a beautiful point of view. I would love to see more men and women carrying these types of conversations with each other and break the preconceived ideas about each other. We do not even need to be romantically involved to become each other's community and support. I have seen way to often men that are gutted by emotional trauma, lack of being understood and no room to express vulnerability and emotion, that as soon as a woman gives them that experience she instantly becomes a romantic interest, rather than consider the idea she might be better off as a friend. It's still so much to be figured out by ourselves and together and redefine the notions regarding marriage, monogamy, community and the support groups necessary for the particular issues of men and women.
Lumy B I agree with that. And you bring up a fantastic peripheral point here in mentioning the men who fall for women who provide them an emotional safe space, when really these are things that exist in many healthy platonic friendships. Part of this, as I see it, is a genderless issue of “saving” someone... or the way the western world romanticizes vulnerability, and how people develop savior complexes as a result of their childhood development and relationship with their parents and friends. It would be nice if we could learn to view emotionally vulnerability as a normal process of any healthily developing friendship. We don’t need to solder belt buckles with the first person who meets our emotional needs, but many men are starved of this ability and so it makes sense, the cases where they latch on to the women who facilitate that release.
