Landmines. Exactly. Eggshells. Tip toeing. I really care for my ex, but I'm spent. He's deactivated 4x. Exhausting. He's ignoring me again, this time I've blocked him. Can't fix anyone. Can't live like this either.
I've been binge watching your videos and based on everything you said, I think I'm a FA. This video in particular made me tear up because it soooo hits the nail on the head. I really, really need safety, consistency, trustworthiness and transparency. Someone asked doesn't everyone want these things, and it's true, but for me these are extremely important. I'm constantly hypervigilant, observing the guy, analyzing every word he says, perceiving every little facial expression, body language, tone of voice, any change in habits, remembering every fact, date, time and number... If the guy is absolutely impeccable, over (a long) time I'm able to calm down, trust him and open up beautifully. And I'm able to go very deep. I'm not scared of intimacy. But if I detect the slightest shadow of a physical or emotional threat, inconsistency, untrustworthiness or secrecy, or any hint of neglect or not caring about me... it sends me into panic mode. Then I get angry and paranoid and completely irrational. I'm really really trying not to be like this... I've already done SO much work and healing on myself, and most of the time, I behave reasonably, but if I get triggered on a day when I'm vulnerable or down for some reason... ouch. My ex left me because I was so mistrusting and overanalyzing everything. I think I'm better off when I'm alone. I love being in a relationship, I love the intimacy and love and all that. I can be such a loving person. But it's also so stressful and painful. I'm much calmer and more stable when there's no man in my life at all.
Thank you for sharing! This explains why he left after he was so loving to me. He nitpicked something harmless to death then said he needed space. He’s ghosted me for a month. I just need to believe when he says he feels better being alone. I miss him but not at the cost of my mental health. I deserve better.
I'm FA, and you nailed it Coach. I guess dealing with us is like walking on eggshells. I don't want to be this way, and it's not fair to my partner to put him through this. I'm sure it gets old.
@J W Hi. I would be willing to change, yes, if I could truly trust that it was possible for me. The thing is that I'm not sure I can. Even though I loved my now ex bf truly (and still do), I didn't know how to stop the slide, when triggered, into the black hole of insecurity and those embarrassing and icky behaviors followed by erecting my emotional barriers of protection. I know I didn't give you a very hopeful answer. I'm sorry. I can only speak for myself, but as a classic FA, I can say that it's very hard to change. FAs need very patient and understanding partners and we bloom...well, until the next triggering. Ha. If you love your girl, and she loves you, if you did the things Coach advised in this video, that would go a long way. But the trauma that caused her to be the way she is will take some time to heal.
@@neilallen529 If I loved my bf and I believed he genuinely regretted breaking up with me and apologized as you did, I would respond (after remaining silent for a little while); in fact, I'd feel very happy that he apologized and wanted to get back together. This is assuming that he was generally a good guy and treated me well. I would, however, feel distrustful and unsafe that I'd been abandoned and anxious about whether it would happen again, and it would take a period of consistent stability and reassuring behavior to get back to feeling secure again with him. Without that, I would probably start to deactivate and pull away or break up with him, feeling like I have to protect myself from being hurt again. I can't say other FAs would feel and react the same, but this is my honest answer speaking for myself only.
It was an exhausting ride. My FA required so much work to feel safe and comfortable, and it felt very natural for me to give it to him. I knew there was past trauma and abandonment fear, but I didn't know about attachment styles. I was consistently gentle with him, even when I felt like he was sabotaging the relationship, always loving and warm. He eventually detached and when I expressed concern over our relationship, he withdrew further. He literally ran away, moved cities and said he was doing so in order to work on himself and salvage a future with me. For months he would text me randomly, wishing me a happy holiday, etc. and although I responded warmly when he did, I never initiated the contact. Four months later (2 weeks after he last texted me on the 2 year anniversary of us meeting) I find out he's dating someone new and hasn't made progress in his self-healing journey. I'm still grieving over this loss, and trying to understand where his love went or if he truly felt any at all.
You are doing great. He’s not your responsibility to fix. My what I think is a FA ex has done the same thing to me. Sat next to me in church even after the breakup. Moved across town. Peace to you .
I'm a FA. I met some of my exes and we talked about our past relationships. They told me i didn't express my thoughts and feelings when i was with them. Looking back i realize i was unable to express myself because i didn't feel safe in any of those relationship. Communication, transparency and consistency are the key words for us FA. And yes, we pick on every change ( attiitude, facial expression, habits....) and start telling stories to ourselves BUT ONLY if we don't feel safe in the relationship. I am able to let my walls down easily if i feel like i can trust the person. Contrarily to the DA who is unable to open up.
@@IamCoachCourt yes that also..it so exhausting everyday..i don't even want to begin any contact with new people..but I'm pushing myself.. sometimes reading the comments about fearful avoidants and it makes me sad
@@IamCoachCourt Yea its exhausting but only when I am dating. Which is why i take super long breaks between trying to date. All my friendships are amazing so I feel really normal when I am not dating.
It is very hard to deal with FA. Its mentally fatiguing and you can't really step back or give yourself time to cool down because then the FA activates. You get used to it but at first it does hurt
I've read accounts across numerous forums of FAs deactivating even with Secures. Unless one is aware and working on themselves, along with their partner, a mutually fulfilling relationship isn't gonna happen, especially with disorganized (FA) attachment. Step one is awareness, but then the real work begins.
Totally agree! I completely destroyed 2 relationships with two secure partners. I started therapy last year and I don't feel starting someone new is going to happen any time soon.
@@MissSarahGM you cannot have healthy relationships with FA’s. It just isn’t possible. You can be friends with benefits, but these people have serious issues and they will never succeed in a relationship until they get serious therapy for years. In fact you may notice that FA’s only hook up with people they dont really care about. This is because FA’s run away from any real intimacy. So they’ll have a lot of casual one night stands and meaningless sex, but they wont get intimate with people they actually love and care for. It’s wild
@@user-kg8uq9es3uHi, Thanks for your input. I agree that this style is challenging to work with. My ex FA, had never had more than 2/3 months fling before me, at age 38. He did have the hope of something real with me, I believe, but the fears kicked in. It is relationship OCD 100%. And past trauma of engulfment by a narcissistic mother. In his case. I believe enmeshment with overbearing parents is often at the root of it.
Whoa ya I asked my partner for all of these things because I am an FA and he found it difficult to show up in this way that I needed. We separated and I’m seeing now the importance of finding love that naturally tends towards these insights. Avoidant partners are highly activating, even when you love them deeply.
Amazing video thank you, I've been in a long term relationship with FA girlfriend for three years now and its been tough but worth it because i love her
I dont undersand that fa s refuse to get some any professional help. They exeactly know they hurt the ones loved them and yet they refuse yo fic themselves. I think they are too selfish to get dome help. Since they dont feel the hurt they dont mind about their partners.
Wow, this is absolutely me ! 😭 We really need all of that cause deactivating can come very quickly, and it hurts even more when we've tried several times and been disappointed again by the same person we (want to) love.. I hope I'll heal someday.
Just find a secure attached person. They are naturally consistent and so over time you can become securely attached because they provide a consistent safe space.
@@suras8984 I totally agree ! I won't be involved in a relationship with an insecurely attached person ever again 😅 if I don't want to lose my mind forever. I think I deserve to feel better and loved, as everyone does 💙
@@suras8984 If only it were that easy.. Secures aren't miracle workers. I've read accounts across numerous forums of FAs deactivating even with Secures. Unless one is aware and working on themselves, along with their partner, a mutually fulfilling relationship isn't gonna happen, especially with disorganized (FA) attachment. Step one is awareness, but then the real work begins.
@@pxskrs What if someone said they'd never date an FA again? Give love a chance wherever you find it. Utilize the tools that come with awareness. What matters is that you're BOTH willing to do the work
That's the thing. They want either space or attention and you need to mind read and navigate through the switches. Good luck. Or save yourself the headaches and wish them good luck and goodbye.
She (fa) breakup whit me 2 weeks ago and we have to meet surely to solve some bussines. It is a good idea to tell her how i realice in this time? Like to validate her feelings and made her aware?
@@IamCoachCourt I was with someone who was a DA and he triggered all of these in me. The mistrust through hiding, which then made me hypervigilant and we'd be talking and I would be analysing his body language, how often he would take his phone out etc and then I would go radio silent for a few days and ignore his texts then blow his phone up in anger etc. The consistent behaviour was another thing, if the rate of texting or seeing eachother went down I would accuse him of things and low and behold I ended it. This time it's been 11 weeks NC and I'm trying my best to work on my issues. Your videos are a tremendous help ❤
Coach. I'm BPD with anxious preoccupied attachment. My mom is dismissive avoidant and sisters are narcissists. Wife is fearful avoidant. Is she a fearful avoidant because of something I might have done or is it definitely from her childhood?
