A. Zipper Hoodies SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. B. Flaky friends - true story: walked away from a 6+-year friendship in January, after traveling to AZ, only to find that this person could not even clean off the couch, or the bed where I was supposed to sleep, and when I said I was going to stay at a hotel (in the most compassionate manner I could say it) insisted on getting me a room at an Extended Stay facility. The room was fine, but after listening to her stories of travel and adventure and staycations at resorts, it just displayed how much less she thought of me. I actually take that very brief visit as a blessing because it taught me that I matter enough to speak up for myself, instead of spending three days in squalor, doing absolutely nothing. It gave me the time I needed to be completely alone (no husband, no pets, no work) and actually focus on ME. What I realized is that I am worth way more than to put up with bullshit and crumbs. I'm a very solitary person by nature, so I'm good with one less "friend."
I needed Caroline's take on the flaky friend and their lack of care and communication so much! My best friend and I "broke up" because of this. And I actually got shamed for having too high expectations in friendships and being to needy, which might be true in some parts, but I think a friend should still be respectful of your time, which this friend wasn't. :) I feel validated again, thanks. :)
I like the idea of activism being more joyful. I am thinking of what that would look like for the Animal Rights movement, for example. I am a vegan and I find it hard to imagine creating a colourful party atmosphere when I feel such horror and sadness for animals being exploited all over the world. It is something to think about, though. People will look away when seeing shocking images, but will be happy for animals being freed from a circus or sea world, for example. Sharing positive news and changes might be a good way to make people more aware of the fact that animals want to be happy, just like us.
Not vegan, but have reduced my intake of non-plant foods substantially after seeing “My Octopus Teacher”. Educating people about the intelligence of a variety of animals is very helpful.
The first whattado really hit. I've been mourning the loss of a close friendship for two years as we have both drifted apart, new relationships, jobs, cities, etc. it hurts! I super struggle with needing to define the reduced "status" from BFFs to.....?? It's weird and hard. I love that you both always compare friendships and romantic relationships, and challenge the norm of what we expect from these types of relationships. 😘
I don’t understand the friend question. Invite her to things, and if she shows, enjoy her. If she doesn’t show, don’t sweat it. Believe the signs she’s exhibiting about who she is, and don’t take it personally.
The flaky friend - I can relate to this person's sentiment so heavily, in relation to so many 'friends'. I feel people I care about so much (over the years) just don't make effort or time for me.
Oh man. Ive been the flaky friend which lead to two friendships dissolving. I can say, as I look back my faults were lack of communication, and not standing up for myself. I let a lot of hurtful comments and situations slide in hopes to keep the peace. Spoiler it did not! It made things worse. I’d pretend everything was fine but be pulling back. I thought it was being “gentle”. But I honestly was putting so little confidence in the friendship and myself to work it out. That eventually, I looked to be disinterested, lazy ect. So when I was called out I got defensive because no, I was the one who was hurt. You were mean to me! I was being nice trying to spare your feelings. Older me now sees though that’s what I thought I was doing. I was really being passive when I should have actively communicated that comments hurt me as soon as I could. If the friendship ended at that, ok. But I should have allowed for a conversation to clarify my boundaries and their perspective. My friends did say/do hurtful things I can’t negate that. But it’s so important to speak up to talk about it soon. Out of really respect for myself. I flaked because I was hurt by certain friends. But it would have been more empathetic and empowering to myself, to lay my boundaries down, and be vulnerable. Then see where the cards lay. DONT BE A YOUNG ME! Give people a chance to work it out or say no. You won’t perish either way. But you might get labeled a flake out loud at a house party if you don’t 😂🎉 ***sorry for the novel but love this topic*** ❤
Friendships require both to take responsibility. When we realized one is and the other isn't it falls apart. I don't see my own patterns of behaviour, and realize too late that I'm the one who didn't work at the relationship, and I wonder, was it conscious or unconscious? I've lost some really great people in my life due to laziness or self absorption, and to my horror, my own neediness. UGH! How not to be needy!! And in my opinion, the older I get the needier I become. How to live life without my ego taking over! How to be small in ego but big in friendship. Even writing this comment, is my intention to get validation, or am I just sharing an opinion? Please, don't validate this comment! I"ve got to get my ego in check. My mantra this past year has been "To have a friend, be a friend". I am aiming for this.
I'd like to add a thought quickly. Maybe the "flaky friend" is suicidal. And maybe the "pen pal friend in your own city" doesn't have the capacity to visit or even phone and maybe just a little chat of 5 minutes or single message would show them they're valued, loved and not forgotten. Not everything is always as it seems or might appear/look to you. Please try to keep that in mind. ❤
Oh my gosh. Great advice on the flaky friends. Thanks guys. I would love advice on how you guys picked your pychologists/therapists etc.. Recently got health insurance and finding good mental health practitioners has been tricky. I'd also love to hear, ( if you guys feel comfortable,) how you guys stay in therapy when it gets to a painful point. I recognize that perseverance and discipline are necessary for change, I just wondered if you guys had any tips and tricks.
I agree with the flaky friend solution but friends staying over had me thinking is this what anxiety is like? The overthinking of this is what is making a situation bigger than it needs to be. Honestly let them know what’s on offer what they can do and let them decide what they want to get involved in and let them have space to utilise the kitchen as and when they need. End of story. You don’t need to plan everyday.
"You have to work really hard to maintain community in American culture" BRUH, this is the one thing I wish I could change about our culture. It sucks. The nuclear family/suburb thing is so isolating. And it's even harder now in the age of technology where people aren't even looking at each other anymore. We're all on our phones, and it's becoming more stigmatizing to just approach people in public.
2:59 I can personally say that any “blue pills” I have consumed have been the result of joyful representations from whatever cause or community. Aggression is not a way to sell a cause. Humor and light (and data depending on the issue) are the way to bring people over.
WHATADO: I really want to submit a WHATADO about friendship from an angle I don't think you tuched yet on podcats but I accidentally blocked my way of sending you an instagram dm by missclicking and sending you some random message xd. I don't feel good about writing it in an public coment 😅
