@@dovestone_ I don’t even see it as boundaries; unless it’s about making sure she didn’t invade the others’ boundaries. Three kids with different interests. Gee maybe I should force them all to have the same interests …
Exactly. My son and daughter have different interests amd react to things VERY differently. Take dicipline as an example. My son needs a firm hand (figuratively speaking) and voice or he'll just laugh you off and do whatever he wants. Time out work great for him. I'll take tv and games away, but in the end that means little to him. Meanwhile my daughter she'll get time puts to cool down, but they don't work for her. Time outs and anything close to a firm voice and she instantly shuts down. Taking away her toys amd telling her she isn't allowed to go outside to play with her friends is far more effective. She is like their dad: very much a social butterfly, while my Son is more like myself and a bit of a recluse without really many friends. So telling him he can't play with his friends doesn't mean anything to him. He's quite content entertaining himself. Meanwhile not seeing her friends for one day sounds the same as capital punishment to my daughter. They also have different interests. Go figure. They're different people. They have overlapping interests but even those they like their own ways. They both love video games, and while they both enjoy minecraft, they have very different games they enjoy.
I don't care if it's sometimes accepted to wear the same color, OP asked her not to do so. It's a very reasonable request. She doesn't want someone else in red in pictures, etc. I hate a bridezilla, but this isn't a big demand.
I also think it makes sense considering it is a sister-in-law, who is likely to be in more photos, more centrally seated, etc. I don’t think it is unreasonable to have some preference and opinion about what family / the wedding party wear.
I don’t really understand why they need to fawn over the kids though. How is dressing, getting ready for school, and making breakfast is too much to expect of a kid? Particularly if they have two siblings to help them? I remember wintertime back when I was seven, I’d get up at six, cook myself porridge, and enjoy the annual Christmas TV stuff with my breakfast before heading off to school, which was only a fifteen minute walk to be fair.
@@Dojan5 because it isn't the kids job to parent the kids. That is the parents job. Like no offense but that sounds like your parents were lazy. One of them should've been up doing their job as a parent. Especially at that age.
@@Insertia_Nameia I didn't have parents, I had a single parent. She also isn't a very good person, she was physically and mentally abusive, so we're not really in contact anymore. So, no offense taken. She's a horrible whore who should've had an abortion rather than keep a child. The whole "making oneself breakfast" and "cooking dinner" was never something I thought of as abusive or so though. It just seems obvious to me that you should teach your children to care for themselves. What age is it appropriate to have kids start cooking? Does this extend to other things? Like do other kids not clean at home? Do laundry? Buy groceries and take out rubbish? To me these are just basic self-care things. Obviously there were times I didn't do it, and that'd be nasty because she'd flip her lid and that's obviously not okay. My problem was never really the chores, but more that it was impossible to do them to her standard. Except cooking. I'm a hella good cook and no one ever really complains about my cooking.
@@Insertia_NameiaI partly agree. Kids making their own breakfast is normal for me. However, parents should be up as well. At least one of them to make sure the kid gets up and doesn't oversleep or need anything special. Extenuating circumstances like single parent on nightshift excluded.
For the second story, I am going to argue that there is a bigger issue. It is clear from what OP wrote that there is a major disconnect in parenting styles and they simply aren't communicating. It might do them some good to have a night away from the kids and talk about how they want to act as a couple. Find places to compromise. Otherwise the resentment is only going to grow and the kids will pick up on that.
I think you are on to something. I don’t think that father is being a bad parent who doesn’t care to spend time and take care of his kids. Maybe he just has a more hands off approach to children because that is what he knows from his family. Or maybe because the wife has specific expectations of how things need to be done, it has developed over the years that he has left a lot of it to her. It is a different situation but I want to give an example: I am a very tidy person and at times want things to be done my way when it comes to household stuff. My partner has a much higher tolerance for disorder and is also a bit scatterbrained. I had to learn (and I am still working on it!) that if I want my partner to do things in the house, I also need to be okay with him doing them his way and cannot expect him to do it how I would do it. If he is loading the dishwasher and I let him feel that he is doing it “wrong” (true life example), it is understandable that he will get frustrated and won’t feel like doing it. Maybe the father in this post is not a morning person and already had several times done his best to get up and give his children cereal, but the wife made him feel like it’s not good enough - just to use one situation mentioned in the post - or maybe he feel inadequate in dealing with the child who has ADHD because the wife has done a lot of the caregiving for many years. Being a parent doesn’t come with a manual and I think it is okay for parents not to know what to do all the time.
Was honestly searching for this comment. While I get that there are some red flags in the way the OP talks about his family, I also get that simetimes we are pushed by unrealistic expectations and dig our own holes - me and my fiance constantly do even before having kids. She will run herself down cleaning, i will run myself down organising even though we just both need to CHILL sometimes. So if there is just poor communication and different parenting styles (maybe the dad would like for the kids to be better at things by themselves) - nobody is an asshole and you both need to talk. Btw, i do think 12/10/8 is a reasonable age to let them get ready themselves at least like. Two days a week? (Also maybe ask the kids?)
Considering the kids' ages, this is long past due. I'm wondering how long his wife has been upset and he wasn't paying attention, considering he's so dismissive of her actions in general. It really sounds like they need counseling. And he needs to be taught about emotional labor.
Glad I went looking before commenting. I agree there is more to this - of course we can't know if OP is really active and engaged or how he defines it, but the default assumption many made is that he was lying. I think 12/10/8 is perfectly reasonable to be doing a lot of getting ready themselves. At 11 and 7, my kids are up dressing themselves and getting themselves breakfast and we are out the door in about 30 minutes. There is a reasonable limit or boundary to be set on his side too - which is that if you feel what the kids are having for breakfast is not good enough, make it yourself. I don't think she gets to set a high expectation OP doesn't agree with and get upset he doesn't meet her expectations. If we reversed this - I think plenty of people would say that the dad should make breakfast himself if he wanted a more nutritious/filling breakfast (in fact, my mom pulled this card when I was a child and my dad began making breakfast daily and it was awful until he learned to cook better and I still won't eat french toast or fried eggs, 30+ years later). Similarly - planning weekend activities. How often? How many? How long? If this is a once a month thing, yeah, OP should be helping more. But it sounds frequent and I have to ask - why? What is her goal for this? Why is she forcing it on the family? Is there a compromise to be reached here with activities twice a month or once a month? They lose their flavor and specialness when they are frequent. There absolutely is a line at which he is not supporting her. But I also think that there is a line at which we would agree if one partner cares particularly about something, then they need to suck it up and do it themselves. And if you get frustrated with constantly doing it, then I think OP is correct that she needs to accept a compromise or suck it up. The question is where that line is and I think there was a huge assumption about the labor Mom is doing and Dad is doing. I think he should be more supportive and I think they are both the asshole a bit. There is a clear communication deficit and parenting style difference at play and that needs to be worked out. He's not backing up her rules, but perhaps her rules are too strict. I don't think it's fair to say she's obviously correct and he's a jerk - I think it's fair to say that they need to come back to the table and determine an agreed on set of rules and division of labor. Maybe 30 minutes is a reasonable time to ensure kids are up and out the door (I can't imagine regularly sleeping through all of morning prep) - and cereal is ok twice a week on Dad's morning prep days. Maybe he agrees to two nights of family game time to help minimize screen time and she agrees that screen time is ok if chores and homework are complete. There is a lot of room for them to negotiate a co-parenting strategy but she will have to concede here too, and he may have to step it up in places.
@@anrychan7019There's definitely a lack of communication and compromise. It sounds like otherwise they're a reasonably healthy family and they're just at a point where they need to check-in and reassess some things, maybe even getting the kids' input. Regarding the kids getting themselves up, that is likely a very individual thing. Maybe two kids are good at getting themselves ready but one still struggles with getting up. Maybe they should be given the opportunity to fail, or maybe they would do better with more structure and encouragement. Either way, if a kid misses the bus, someone still has to get them to school, and is that going to be the dad? Rhetorical question, of course. I just know that for a long time I didn't need help waking up, but I was easily distracted and definitely needed help getting out of bed and staying focused in the morning. Now I'm the adult who gets up at 5am because that's when my cat likes to get up :)
The only thing I did wonder is if C is significantly neurodiverse, though perhaps undiagnosed. Failing to communicate with someone they don't know, needing the phone as a crutch whilst out of comfort zone, very strong emotional reaction to something most people would be mildly annoyed by. It's unlikely, but I wouldn't want to completely rule it out. Or she might just be a very spoiled little princess type.
@@katbairwellI find it hard to imagine that someone could be neurodiverse, and that dysfunctional, at that age without having gotten themselves any help. Just speaking from experience though. But considering that as an option, C should get help now (psychologist, possibly seeking diagnosis). If she doesn't then the brother in law should leave, because C sounds like a risk to live with if she doesn't wanna work on herself... :/
Does the man expect his 12 year old to help the 8 year old get ready? That’s parentification. Idk how you would expect an 8 year old to get themselves totally ready and off to school otherwise…
I was doing my self ready every morning at the age of 8, in realety i started cocking easy meal fore myself when i was around 6. Its not imposible! I can see that i needed to grow up young, but to do every thing for kids is not good neether
Most 8 year olds are perfectly capable of getting themselves ready in the morning, what the hell? They're literally a few years away from going to secondary school in the UK! By secondary school most kids are getting themselves ready and walking to school or going on the bus with their mates. Eight is old enough to start getting ready yourself. Unless the person is from the US where parents baby their children for a lot longer even into teenage years.
@@faithpearlgenied-a5517not just people from the US baby their children. Shabba is literally from the UK and was saying it’s too much to expect a 12 year old to get ready by themselves. I was in agreement with your comment until you threw that stupid, incorrect, generalization in there.
I was a nanny to 3 yr old twins. The grandma heard me asking them if they wanted A or B for lunch. She later bit my head off and told me not to ask them what they wanted to eat because they would become spoiled. Apparently kids can't make their own decisions because obviously that's being spoiled?? We all know that none of us adults make our own decisions.
I saw an AITA about a similar subject and the number of people claiming kids should just be given whatever food the parent or carer feels like giving them and letting them starve if they don't want it was appalling.
If you just asked the kids what they want for lunch and then proceeded to have ice cream every day if they so decided, I would understand the grandma. Choosing from two healthy options isn't spoiling and it is good to have children make some decisions concerning their life. Making decisions is actually an important life skill and it's not fun to learn as adult. The times I've gone hungry, because I can't decide what to eat 😅
@@soundlessbeealso, sometimes we feel like a certain food more than another food. I like pizza and pasta equally, but sometimes I am more in the mood for one over the other so I think it is reasonable to assume kids feel the same.
@@soundlessbee Yep, exactly. Also, it is a proven concept that letting kids pick between things gives them more autonomy and helps them feel like they have a say in ways that helps them be more confident and more satisfied. It also limits choice-paralysis, which kids in particular can struggle with. And it allows the caregiver to still control the food in regards to health and how much effort it takes to make.
For the second one I’m so confused how they got this far in their relationship without talking about these boundaries. These are the kinds of conversations you need to have before you decide to have kids. For me, 6:45 is extremely early because I am chronically ill and need more sleep than the average person (and going to bed super early is not always realistic.) But there’s no way I would ever sign up to such a massive responsibility without informing people of my limitations first. If my partner says “let’s buy an Xbox instead of a dishwasher!”, I don’t say “yay I would love an Xbox!” I say “are you willing to then do most of the dishes because I won’t be capable of splitting it 50/50”, so that we can make an informed decision together.
100% this! Not every relationship needs to be perfectly 50/50 in every regard, it works for some relationships but the human experience is very varied. But it's very obvious they haven't spoken about this if OP's wife is so upset about it- there was no conversation where they established that OP won't (or can't, I lay in bed past initially waking up for a long time because if I get up too quickly I'm very clumsy and uncoordinated, to a dangerous degree) get up at 6:45. A conversation they really should have had.
If the kids are getting home at 3-3:30 and going to bed 8-8:30 that's 5 hours home after school. Take out homework and dinner...2hrs screen time is very reasonable. Cereal can be "substantial enough", but it is not healthy to have every day. The mom sounds totally reasonable even with him trying to make her sound awful. I can't imagine it is even just him not actively helping enough, sounds like he's probably undermining her with the kids.
I agree. He claims he's 'engaged' and 'doing his fair share' but I suspect he's not accounting for a lot of stuff his unfortunate wife is doing that he just conveniently ignores and given that he dismisses so much of what she does as 'unnecessary', I doubt he's that much help. Also, three kids all trying to get up, ready, and out in an hour sounds like Hell on wheels.
He only really mentions being bothered by his wife's standards when she asks him for help or tries to include him. He sounds like it doesn't matter to him who does the work around the home, whether it's his wife or his kids, so long as it's not him.
He also leaves out so much information about what the kids actually want in that situation which implies that he either specifically didn’t mention it to make the wife sound worse or he genuinely doesn’t know because he doesn’t think his kids’ opinions matter in an argument that’s literally about them
@@BlueTressym Think about the amount of emotional labor alone that poor wife is doing. Smh. He sounds like one of those guys that think that doing what they're told and going along with her plans is actually doing things, even though the burden of remembering, planning, and telling him is all on another person. Like a teenager being told what to do by a parent, just all the time. But then thinks he's engaged and actively involved.
Genuine question : how is cereal not healthy enough to have every day..? Perhaps Americans have a different definition of cereals than I do, because my oat flakes with nuts, yogurt and a little bit of fruit are definitely the healthiest breakfast option I've ever had in my life. What else could you possibly eat in the morning, aside from bread with some sort of spread ?
British South Asian here and people absolutely do wear red / their wedding outfits to other people's weddings but I (and my nuclear fam) have ALWAYS found it weird and distasteful. Also like.. if you don't think it's weird, that's fine for YOUR wedding. If a bride is right there like "uhm.. I'm wearing red as the bride though" all you have to do is be like "oh, my bad" and pick something new. Throwing a tantrum about it very strange.
For the friends vacation story... honestly I feel most sorry for "Lizzie's" one year old daughter... if she's trying to control how other people dress to make her look better.... years down the line I fear she'll be telling her dauther the same things.
Even if she doesn't explicitly tell her daughter, I guarantee the kid will pick up on it. My mother never EVER expressed negativity about my body. But I noticed how she saw her own, and naturally compared it to mine. Then she tried to support my efforts to be "healthier" but it only reinforced that "I was right" about myself. Kids learn to value themselves less by how their parents value them and more by how the parents view their own selves.
Thank you! I was thinking about her too. I really hope her mom is gonna learn and evolve to accompany her the best during her life (maybe having a daughter and seeing her pressured by all the social norms is going to be eye opening for her)
@@dishevelleddev This is so utterly true. It is the same in my case. My mom was super positive about me, all the time. Honestly, even when she shouldn't have been. But she was terrible about herself and her body. I have so much internalized self-hatred and bias from that. It's so hard to unlearn. Hope you're doing well with it.
For the second story it's obvious OP is just trying to justify getting out of doing his job as a parent because everything he claims is 'best for the family' just happens to line up with him doing the least amount of work.
Yes, I'm pretty sure that's far from coincidental. Not to mention that many people seem to be missing that Op's wife is almost certainly suffering from severe anxiety over being a 'good parent' and telling her to 'just chill' belongs on r/thanksimcured.
@@BlueTressym Yeah if he was actually worried about the children or his wife his post wouldn't be about how 'her standards are too high' and how 'it's not fair to him'.
Regarding the last AITA: I also found it sad that the inlaws/grandparents only seemed to put the pressure to form a family on the stepmom not on the actual father of ALL kids. I get that in this specific example it was about the moms tradition, but I feel like the inlaws could have "critised" the father too on that regard
It wasn't about the tradition. That's why. They just wanted to hurt her and shove it in her face that it's HER fault the kids don't want to be in her family.
I love it so much when people are like, "You're so selfish for not doing this completely unreasonable thing for me because I'm asking you to do it." Like please you're the one holding other people accountable for managing your emotions and I'm selfish?
About the cereal - if one of the kids has ADHD, it may be that having a different breakfast would help a lot. Some ADHDers find it much easier to manage their symptoms on a breakfast that's higher in protein, for example, which might involve cooking eggs or something. Just a thought 🤷♀
Yes, this was recommended by our psychiatrist. It helps on its own, but it also helps with tolerating the meds and them having a gentler ramp up. My guess is dad has ADHD, too (undiagnosed?), and is prioritizing his needs over understanding just how important routines and support are. I can't see how he can be engaged if one of the kids is diagnosed and is still taking issue with what he's taking issue with.
Oh, and I wouldn't at all be surprised if mom's routines are the reason why the other two aren't diagnosed. Everything she's doing is known to help manage symptoms.
Here’s the thing with the first one, even if I was going to a wedding and the bride was like “oh I’m wearing purple please don’t wear purple” and even if I had my heart set on a purple dress I wouldn’t be mad, disappointed maybe but not angry. It’s a bit of an odd reaction to say that no one can tell you what to wear in this scenario, and seems a bit childish.
Fun fact! In the US (maybe just the south where I'm from?) it's also discouraged for guests to wear red to weddings because it's too eye catching in photos and draws attention away from the couple. Also there's an old school message that the groom's mistress wears red to the wedding lol
I'm from the southern US (FL) and hadn't heard this! That's very interesting, and I can easily believe it runs that far back to the mistress thing lol. That's awful
I've heard about the mistress thing. It was in other cultures too. I believe Marina (and the diamonds) had a song with the bride's first love coming to the wedding with the red dress. The song is called Baby
@@animeartist888 red once bore (and to some people still does bear) the reputation of being a colour worn by women who were 'No better than they should be'.
My mum and my younger brother are the only morning people in the family. And by that, I mean that they are 100% functional and friendly in the morning, while me, my dad and my younger sister are basically zombies. My mum has been waking up the family for her entire life, making us coffee, pointing us towards the right clothes to wear, sending us off to the bus etc. It wasn't just the the practical side of of, I wanted to throw up and cry pretty much every morning when I went to high school and seeing my mum was the only positive think about getting out of bed. Even now (I am an adult and I don't live at home, but I can visit often because I work remotely), she is the only "alarm" that is 100% effective, you just have to ask her the evening before to please make sure you're out of bed by a certain time 😆There will never be enough words to thank her for her upstanding service 🙏 she truly is the hero we need and not always deserve :") All this to say, I cannot imagine a parent thinking their 8 YEAR OLD could manage themselves in the morning, practically and emotionally. It's a weird way to see your kids 🙃
Monday AITA is definitely how I know it’s Monday™️, lol. Just a note, in the first story, OP’s fiancé went “home” with BIL and C, and HE was the one who told Op about the drama. So BIL didn’t overstep? Had to reread it a couple times myself, as it sounded odd, but that’s life I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Omg, if the title of the second story was about my own mother, it would be an instant NTA. . . But it’s not, and damn YTA OP lol.
I had to go back to hear which one was the second story, because I thought the second one was the bikini one and got so confused as to how OP were the AH. Good thing I checked!
The second one, from the start but especially after they said that one of the kids has ADHD, made me think that the mom might have it too. I'm an adult with adhd and a lot of the things said make a lot of sense to me. It's the kind of anxious behaviour and the overwhelming feeling that I've always had. But yeah it doesn't change the fact that op Is TA
Kids shows also often are pretty impulse intense. I have ADHD and ASD and anything busy makes my head feel like a storm, including busy classrooms. When I was 9, it never stopped, so I can get where the screen time rule comes from. It could also be the dad btw. Doing a little as possible to not struggle himself. That's surely what my dad did, and I've got it from him (my diagnosis led to his).
@@ammalyrical5646I just got tested for adhd recently(I haven’t gotten my results yet) I have been “okay” in school(when you can retake all the tests when no one it in the room and it’s quiet it’s pretty easy to get good grades. Except now I’m in college I don’t have that ability and I am tearing myself up about it. I finally asked my mom about testing her response was “yep that makes sense we have thought you had it since you were young” 😂 my moms family also all had adhd except it presents differently. My dad on the other hand told me I need to focus more and stop making careless mistakes on tests and just focus more because I can’t get a job like this. So theirs that. Although I wonder if that’s because he has adhd definitely has time blindness, built himself and office during covid, likes having many projects going etc. he learned to manage it so he thinks it’s normal. Idk maybe I just try to see two sides to every story
I would put my money on dad having it, though we also tend to find each other. Mom is less obvious to me because everything she is doing is known to help manage symptoms. Dealing with potentially 3 kids with ADHD in the am with no help will definitely stress you out. Dad on the other hand is clueless on how engaged he is and is prioritizing cutting corners without any mitigating factors to explain the behaviour.
@@majken643 those don't manage symptoms, they just make you more stressed. And he's just being lazy and is mad that she wants him to actually act like the parent that he is.
I'm Indian and we really don't care about someone else wearing red to a wedding, I wore red to my cousins wedding (my aunt picked the outfit lol) I think it's because wedding lehengas are so extravagant that you can't overshadow them even if you try, also with the amount of people that come to the wedding, it's inevitable that someone's gonna end up in red
But she was asked not to do so. Bride doesn't want someone else in red in the family pictures and such. It's a simple request, and c lost her darn mind
@@nixhixxthat’s the important thing. If the person doesn’t know, that’s something else but in this case C specifically asked her not to wear red. I also think that close family is different, maybe, because C being a sister in law might be more center stage, in more photos, etc versus just a random guest .
I mean yeah but usually close family tends to avoid red because the main family always wears more gorgeous clothing than the other guests. It isn't weird for regular guests to wear red, but it _is_ a little weird for the main family
I don't think there's enough information in the dad story to make a judgement. They sound kind of like my parents, especially with the weekend stuff. My dad worked a more physically demanding job and wanted to spend his weekend resting and watching tv, where as my mom would take me to do girl scout stuff most weekends. I wish they had found a better balance, because I regret not spending more time with my dad as a kid, and my biggest fights with my mom were becasue I was tired and didn't want to do another activity that week. The biggest thing missing from that post is what the kids think of all this. Do they think they can get themselves ready in the morning with less or even no help? How often do each of them want to do stuff on the weekends? The parents are guides through life, but the kids still have their own opinion on their lives.
This is last post for today, promise! As an adult who was late diagnosed with ADHD, I am brutally aware that both time awareness, and executive dysfunction, are super big challenges. I also hated school, and had my parents stayed in bed, there is no way I would have been on that bus. I am middle-aged so maybe parents staying in bed and letting kids get themselves up and ready is a common thing, but to me it sounds deeply wrong to leave 3 kids of those ages to just parent themselves in the morning. I cannot imagine feeling very cared about, if that was my every weekday morning, and I doubt Dad would suddenly be up and about at weekends either. Ergh, so often once AITAs involve kids, I just want to grab the parents by the collar and scream at them.
Tbh it sounds like something that would have happened 50 years ago, definitely not something common in 2023. If anything we coddle them too much usually. But this guy is being weird and way too lazy. There's no way three kids, one with ADHD, can actually get ready in the morning.
I would add as a fellow ADHDer that the whole early start, school, homework, being told I had to spend what little downtime I had playing with toys or going outside, and then trips every weekend would have absolutely destroyed me. Like, give the poor kid a couple days to not have to meet constant demands please and thank. And I didn't forget about the option of reading, I'm saying it wouldn't have been an option as there's no way I'd have had the focus for it after homework - and that's as someone who has generally tended to hyperfocus on reading. Not to mention, where are the endless books gonna come from if e-books aren't an option because screentime limits and you spend the library opening hours in school or on family outings?
@@katharineeavan9705 I hear you 100% on all of this!! Reading was what got me into adulthood, that and being able to decide how I spent most of my downtime. That said, home computers were still fairly rare, and it was solely TV time that some parents clutched pearls about (it's something for every generation, always a new reason why working class Mums were "failing" their kids) I suspect Dad was over egging the pudding, but also that Mum is perhaps trying too hard to be "perfect" - maybe trying to make up for Dad's lack of interest. Argh! I've done it again, it's so easy to read more into these than is actually there!!! Appreciate your comment so much!!
I’m trying to remember what age I (Gen Z) was when I started taking care of my before-school routines by myself; as far as I can remember, it would have been around 8th-9th grade, so 14-15 years old. I was definitely getting myself home by 4th grade, because that’s when I had to take the school bus home for the first time, and my parent wouldn’t have been waiting at the bus stop for me. Grades 5 and 6 my school was close enough to easily walk home.
@@Munchkin.Of.Pern09 Thank you for giving ages, I get so confused with different systems. It's changed many times in the UK since I was at school (reasonable, it was about 1100 years ago), and we don't have human children, so I'm easily confused! Your parents must have been very grateful you were responsible to take care of yourself, I'd not have been at that age!!
Wife with high standards post: I agree that the time frame that OP’s wife has for the morning routine isn’t at all unreasonable. Everything the kids need to do in less than an hour time frame like using the bathroom, getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, hair brushing, and gathering everything for school. This can get more hectic if there’s a single bathroom for all three kids. So props to mom for getting them out the door in less than an hour. Side note depending on the time frame between breakfast and lunch it can be a bit of time between meals say 7:20 am to 1:00 pm so ~6 hrs. A lot of schools don’t allow for snacks, and cereal isn’t really great when it comes to keeping kids full for long. So I completely understand why OP’s wife insists on giving the kids a more sustainable meal. If OP feels so strongly about how his wife is doing things he should step up and assist. Such as making make ahead breakfast meals for the kids the night before think breakfast sandwiches, egg bites, or overnight oats. Gathering the kids’ things the night before so they are quick to grab the next morning. For the outings, HE can make the plans and assist with dealing with the grouchy youngest kid at the end of the outing.
Idk, I'm with you on the first part, but while in principle weekly family trips sound great, it sounds utterly exhausting for everyone involved to do it EVERY week. No wonder the youngest one gets grouchy. Maybe OP and the youngest one should just sit them out sometimes and his contribution should be that 1 on 1 time with the youngest. I don't see why he should have to plan trips he doesn't agree with and wrangle a grouchy child who is only grouchy because of the exact reasons he didn't want to do the trips in the first place.
@@katharineeavan9705 This sounds like a good compromise to me! My family did something similar when we went to theme parks- I, the youngest, did not like rollercoasters. My older brother did. My mother would take him on the big thrill rides while my dad and I played the games or rode the little rides like the spinning teacups. That way, nobody was forced to do things they didn't like, but also nobody had to miss out on the things they wanted to do. And we still had family bonding time in the car and during meal breaks. I would also say maybe just making the outings a little shorter might fix the problems anyways. Less to plan for, and the youngest is less likely to be grouchy if he's home in time for a nap or some chill game playing or the like.
It's reasonable IF they NEED that much time. That varies significantly by family - my 7 and 11 yo ND kids need 20 minutes because we do a lot of prep work the night before to pack bags and check supplies and make sure clothes are ready. We do no-cook breakfasts that get eaten on the way to school. There is plenty of room for compromise and he can and should step up - but he's not wrong that she needs to unbend as well and accept that compromise is acceptable. He shouldn't have to cook breakfast if cereal is ok (which it is, but maybe not everyday). When it comes to screen time - they need to agree to a compromise and she should consider his thoughts too - and once reached, he needs to back her up so she's not the constant bad cop. And I'm sorry - making memories is fun but weekly weekend events sounds horrifying and exhausting and I think she is piling a ton of stress on herself to make IG family memories that at least 2/5 of the family are not enjoying, and it may well be she's not enjoying either - are the older kids? @itssteph you said that if OP feels strongly about how his wife is doing things, he should step up - but isn't that exactly what he said to her and is getting called TA for saying it? She's the one who wants cooked breakfasts and insists the kids need help and they need an hour. She's the one wanting these weekend excursions. She's the one insisting on a 2 hour limit. But he's TA because her insistence on this level of parenting/activity is causing her stress.
@@easjerknowing what I do about ADHD, and from what he said, I do not for a second believe his opinion is rooted in reality. There's no "when I took over mornings, we did x instead of y and it was fine."
The whole 'loads of women wearing their wedding dress' makes me think of older English communities where you only had one 'best' outfit and that was what you wore to every wedding including your own. Is it possible it's a class or wealth related tradition?
I am not Asian but I have several close friends who are, one what they told me is that it is because it doesn’t make sense to spend so much money on an outfit one will only wear once, but also because most Asian weddings are multiple day affairs so it is acceptable to wear red on one of the days that is not the actually wedding day when the bride traditionally wears red. From what I understand from Shaaba it will maybe also depend on the culture; the friends who explained the above are Pakistani but maybe in Indian cultures - or other Asian cultures too - there are different customs and expectations.
You only had the "best" outfit because that's usually all you could afford. There was the everyday dress and the "best" dress. That was it. If you were a bit wealthier you might have 3 or 4. Maybe even 5 o 6! But most women only hade 1 or 2.
@@ilanarhian before her, it was traditional for middle class and higher women to wear dresses that were brightly colored and maybe even had lots of patterns on them. Like a big straw hat covered in flowers to top it off, vibrant. If they could afford it, poor women would get a bright colored dress as well, but back then it was rare for someone below middle class to own more than maybe 3 dresses. They had their everyday dress, and if they were lucky a 2nd one, and then their best dress. Which wasnt a formal dress. The least worn one. And when their old everyday dress was sp far gone past mending, the "best" dress often became the everyday dress and when they could afford it, they may get a new one to replace it or if they needed one again for a special occasion.
Idk I think the "low standards" dad should have a discussion with mom about having both their parenting styles in harmony. I personally had both as a kid: going out and doing enriching activities and having potato days! Kids should go and explore and learn about the world they live in, but at those ages they should also be allowed to pursue their own interests (being online for hours and learning about their favorite animals or practicing hobbies). A lil sugary cereal has its place in a balanced diet. Both of them should realize that neither is wrong, they're both right, and mom maybe does need to loosen the reins twice a week
My parents had five children with undiagnosed adhd. If mom or dad hadn’t stayed on top of our schedule we would have all drifted into our different distractions and never made it to school. Thank heavens they persevered.
My 8 year old dresses and fixes his own breakfast in the morning. My 5 year old has followed suit (which has created very amusing outfits). We intentionally raised them to be more independent because they are boys and the worst thing i want for them is for me to do everything for them and them growing up to be men that can't do anything for themselves 😅 I wake up at 7 with the baby and pack their lunches and see them off at 7.30. I'm also more relaxed on screen time with supervision of course. My mother gave me a very valuable piece of advice when i became a mother and that is to pick my battles wisely. It has helped me tremendously with stress and the overwhelming feelings of raising children. I think this has made me a better parent. I'm more engadged with my kids and their feeling rather than being worried about every little thing that might go wrong.
That's fair but I feel hubby is exacerbating the problem by acting the way he is. If his wife is hugely anxious, just telling her to chill will have about as much beneficial effect as telling the person you just pissed off to 'Calm down' usually does.
I hope as the step kids grow up they might feel more comfortable with their step mother. It sounds like she is really respectful of their wishes which sounds really promising.
I agree. I raised 3 kids (now 27f (step), 20f, and 18m) and made my mistakes, but learned from them and always tried to advocate for the kids all equally having autonomy.
@@WelcomeApathy But they've been quite young. And sometime that sort of understanding that this other woman isn't trying to replace mum and isn't trying to put a wedge between you and your parents comes later on in life.
I'm Indian and literally every one of my friends and cousins who has gotten married has worn their own wedding dress at other weddings. The logic for Indian women to wear their own wedding dresses to other weddings is that they have spent a lot money on it so they might as well wear it. Usually Indian brides wear lehengas (super elaborate embellished skirts is the best way I can explain it) with short blouses (which also would be embroidered and embedded with rhinestones and the like). After their own wedding most Indian brides would wear their lehenga to a super close friend or relative's wedding with a simpler blouse. The norm in India is you dress up more for the people you're closer to. Only recently have dress codes become a thing in weddings in India and people don't adhere to them very strictly.
@@thecolorjune definitely. Breaking a TV is definitely not frugality 😂 Even in India, a soon to be SIL would just listen to the bride in these things, rather than throw tantrums like this. OP is NTA
I completely understand the concept of wearing again an outfit one has spent a lot of money on (I am getting married next year and am actually thinking of wearing a dress that is not white so that I can easily wear it again 😉). But it also sounds like women will not wear the full bridal outfit again but rather dress it down a bit to make it less bride-like and not overshadow the bride. But even if it is something done in the culture, if the bride that is also a (soon to be) family member asks to please wear another colour, it would be a normal thing to be accommodating and just wear one of the many other colours that exist. She isn’t even reusing an outfit she already has, she is buying a brand new one.
I'd honestly be worried about the brother in law in the first one. If she breaks a t.v over a dress, what could she possibly be doing over every day things. With the second thing, I honestly think the mum does try and cram too much if they're going out every weekend. Plus if you go on adventures all the time it's not special anymore. But I kind of understand trying to give the kids more independence at breakfast time. Idk though. I was cooking by the age of 10 because I'd be left alone most weekends so might be biased. Even just having an input is a step towards independence. Not saying a 12 yr old should be cooking though For the last one I'm just imagining someone saying that the social situation has got toxic and just jumping off the boat and swimming to shore.
I agree on both points. While getting up so you're there when your kids leave is a pretty standard parenting thing, expecting kids to get up super early, go to school, do homework, do weekend trips EVERY weekend, and then limiting what little downtime they have by saying they have to spend almost all of it doing "approved" activities like reading, going outside or playing with toys ... I dunno about the neurotypical kids (if they actually are neurotypical) but the ADHD kid must be knackered and in desperate need of a few days at home doing nothing. No wonder the youngest gets grouchy when they go out on trips. Also, most 10 and 12 year olds are fast getting to the point where they don't really play with toys so much anymore, and even kids who love reading often don't enjoy it much while in school, a problem that increases with every extra 10 mins of homework that gets piled on as they get older - their brains are too fried for it and it just starts to feel like more homework. Expecting them to spend most of their time doing these things that often require more energy than older kids have left after a long day of school and homework instead of talking to or playing with their friends online is a very outdated way of thinking. Is it ideal that screens play such a central role in the lives of teens and older children? No. But that doesn't change the reality, especially post-lockdown.
You were left alone on weekend by age 10?! That's terrible. While I can understand a few hours or something, I mean, I was babysitting by 11, multiple days is way too much for that age. I'm sorry you went through that.
My 13 year old brother can’t get up in the morning and make breakfast without both my parents getting up… Edit: I can do most things by myself at that age buts that’s because I have two younger brothers so…. I was always just let off because theirs always someone with more needs than me…
As someone who grew up in Germany, this makes me feel right at home. We have so many sayings that involve sausages, for some reason. Like "Don't be such a huffy liver sausage!", Or "Now this one's for the sausage!" (Meaning now we're competing for the big prize) Or "That's sausage to me." (Meaning I don't care)
I'm definitely one of those people who take forever to really wake up after the alarm. I'm clumsy and grumpy all morning and can't imagine getting three small humans ready in less than an hour, congrats to that mum. Also, Happy Anniversary! 🎉
About the last story: Am I the only one who feels like the in-laws are negatively influencing the two stepkids? OP and the husband have been together for 11 years. With the stepkids being 16&15yo it's really weird to me that they don't feel like a part of OPs family. Also aren't the in-laws grandparents to all 3 kids? And yet they clearly think differently of OP and the youngest child..
@@rywes9894 yes? That doesnt change the fact that the ILs are the grandparents of all 3 kids. You know since all 3 are the husbands kids. And yet they clearly care more about what the older kids want.
I wanna talk about the swimsuit one. I totally agree with you, but I wanna share my perspective. So, I actually can’t wear one piece swimsuits. I have a long waist and they usually hurt my back. When I was younger I would wear "Tankinis" which were two pieces with a belly flap. I finally got my first bikini a couple years ago. I haven’t worn it often, but I do feel somewhat self conscious in it. Why? Well, people, especially my family members, often make comments about my body that don’t sound negative, but often make me feel self conscious anyway. I’m extremely thin and people will make comments about how skinny I am or how they wish I had my body. So, if someone asked me to cover up like that, I would probably feel bad about myself because of some misplaced guilt. I don’t like being the person that other people compare themselves to. It makes me feel some kind of misplaced guilt, like I’ve done something wrong. But, also, it builds up this idea in my head that I need to stay thin, so I worry about the day that my metabolism gives out and how that might affect my body self image if I start gaining weight more easily. I weighed myself at the doctors the other day and got worried about a 5 pound weight gain despite the fact that I’m still a perfectly healthy weight. (I also wanna not that I don’t have any kind of eating disorder, I’m just naturally very thin and I’ve hovered around the same weight for years) Point is, I can sympathise with the other woman for sure, but I don’t think people really realize how jealousy and comparisons really just hurt everyone involved. This kind of thing is going to keep perpetuating dangerous ideals for women. If having a friend who looks good in a swimsuit is really that hard of a line for you then you need to change your plans for the day, you don’t put it on that friend or make her feel bad if she doesn’t want to comply. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask or even tell your friend how you’re feeling, but that’s not what she was doing. She was feeling self conscious and she decided to blame her friend rather than deal with her own feelings. I’m not saying that everyone has a perfect reaction all the time, but that was a toxic response to that situation.
The swimsuit one really surprised me with the direction it went. Sadly a lot of people (myself included) aren't comfortable with the way their bodies look, and I was prepared to empathise with Lizzy. If she had told OP how she was feeling and just asked if OP had another suit she wouldn't mind wearing that would be a bit more covered up, I think that could have been fine. Lizzie doesn't have a right to dictate what anyone else wears of course, but asking nicely (and being willing to accept the answer if it was a no) doesn't seem unreasonable to me. I still don't think OP would have been the a**hole for not covering up even if asked nicely though
nobody should ask someone else to 'cover up' their body because THEY feel uncomforably about their OWN body . it has nothing to do with the other person. if her friend is covered up she'll just find some other stranger who she also thinks is prettier than her, etc ... she oging to go around asking strangers to cover up next? its just unreasonable and ridiculous. she needs to get control on her own jealous feelings which stem from her OWN insecurity.
@@ariannasantina I completely agree with the original commenter. If your friend asks something, it's very different from a stranger asking the same thing. Friends are generally people you care about, so why wouldn't you do some small thing to make them feel more comfortable, if it's convenient for you? Asking the OP to buy something was unreasonable, but if she had already had a one piece she liked as much as the bikini, then they could have both been comfortable. Of course people should work on their insecurities and not ask other people to change for them, but it is difficult and doesn't happen over night. There shouldn't be shame in asking for friends to help out a bit.
Yeah, if a friend just shared that insecurity with me and stopped there, I might of my own accord decide to throw on a sarong or a tee shirt when lounging around (Because, yes, that's her issue to work through, but that's gonna take time. It'd be like maybe not telling your friend whose mom just died a bunch of stories about hanging out with your own family, or not being super PDA with your partner around the friend who's insecure about not having a date in a year). It's the DEMANDS - to buy stuff, even! - and the yelling from Lizzie that make this really not OK!
If they're friends I think it was okay for Lizzie to share how she feels and ask OP to wear something else. I think OP might have even been TA if she was completely unsympathetic. But obviously swearing and calling OP selfish crosses a line.
@@essiggurke7276 If an over jealous boyfriend realised it was an issue and was genuinely working on it, I wouldn't mind occasionally giving him a break, by compromising on my outfit. I think it's very easy to judge on these AITA posts, because we don't know the people or care about them. If your friend had been struggling with her body confidence for a while and it was a huge step to even go to the beach and wear any kind of swim wear, would you really think it was more important to look your best and wear your skimpiest bikini or wear something more modest to be supportive and not draw the attention of other people?
3) NTA, wise words from one of my favorite therapists: "Changing you behavior because you don't like how you feel is healthy. Changing _others_ behavior because you don't like how you feel is not."
Not so long ago, in the UK, there used to be quite a long list of what you "shouldn't" wear to someone's wedding: the "no white" obviously mostly still stands, but it included no red, no green, I think no blue either IIRC. I'm not sure exactly what guests were supposed to show up in, seems so weird to me. We went out of our way to encourage people to wear what they would be comfortable, primarily because we wanted people to just enjoy themselves, and also because it was only about 6 weeks from deciding to actually have a wedding, and the day, so we didn't want people feeling they had to rush out and buy something either. I regret to applying the same rules to myself, as I am not a skirt/dresses wearer, nor one for heels - but forced myself into both. Ah well, it was a lovely day, it gave us some lovely memories of people who are no longer with us, so it was worth it.
At a guess, it was a leftover from Victorian nonsense. My great-aunt used to tell my grandma that she shouldn't wear anything colourful at all after she turned 40 and should only wear black, grey, brown and other duller colours. Wouldn't be surprised if the two standards came from shared roots.
@@katharineeavan9705 That sounds about right to me, and now you mention it, I absolutely remember the no bright clothing over 40 (thankfully I'm an old goth, so that has never been a problem!) Also weirdness about long hair once it had turned grey? I'm sorry, I am totally having long hair (at least the middle bit, the rest is shaved - old goth strikes again!) Man, I grew up with so much left over Victorian bullshit, I'm glad it's one thing my generation didn't pass down to younger folx, just the ruined economic system, the environmental collapse, and the slow decent into fascism. But we saved you from the Victorian clothing attitudes, you're welcome!
@@katbairwell I'm longing for my hair to all turn grey so I can dye it mad colours without the hassle of bleaching it first. Also, my hair is to my waist because BF loves it long and while it's a bit of a hassle, it's not enough for one for me to be unwilling to do it for him. Considering how darn long it took to get it that long, it's staying!
2nd story: This is definitely an issue of differing parenting styles, and I feel like an equilibrium could be reached if the parents sat down and talked about it. Getting up with the kids in case they need something is reasonable, and they can just start scaling back on how involved they are in the getting-ready process as each kid grows. Two hours is a fine amount of screen time for that age range, so long as things like family movie night and homework don't count towards the limit (and provided there are plenty of other things for them to do, but if they mostly socialize with their friends through online chatting or games, I'd increase at least a little). The thing about having big outings every weekend, though? Ma'am, your kids need down time and so do you. Having days to just chill is good for kids and adults alike, so activity weekends could be culled down to every other week or once a month -- still plenty of opportunities for fun events, but also plenty of opportunities for hanging around the house or just going to the local playground. You're gonna need to scale back anyway as the kids get into middle and then high school and have less free time/energy.
It definitely sounds like both parents need to sit down and agree on some principles of parenting. One of the children in 12 years old, the youngest is 8, how had this not been discussed before? I also think we are missing a context. Maybe the father works late or has a health issue where getting up early is difficult. How severe is the child’s ADHD and how much support does he/she need in the morning? Is the father doing other things with / for the children (like one person does the morning and another after school) or maybe a large portion of other households chores? Is this an issue mainly related to the children or also for other household chores?
Yes! Hard agree - there is a disconnect in parenting styles and provided she is willing to accept that he does some things differently, it should be achievable to find a middle road. He will likely need to step up more on his end to support her limits too. But if she wants a break, maybe she needs to be ok with cereal a couple of times a week. And he needs to back her up on mutually agreed on boundaries so she's not constantly the bad guy.
My thoughts exactly. The dad isn't wrong in that she IS causing the stress herself, but he is wrong for putting all the blame on her instead of actually trying to help her come up with a better solution that doesn't make her feel like she isn't doing enough/failing/whatever else she might feel if she scales back.
As a farm kid my sister and I were waking up super early to milk a cow, make our own breakfasts (unless dad made pancakes or waffles on the weekend) and ride our bikes to the nearest house that the bus stopped at (about a mile.. maybe 2? i dont know exactly) starting at 11-12, and THEN when I was 15 getting my drivers license we ALSO had to wake our dad up so he could sit in the passenger seat while i drove us to school. My mom was at work but she always stopped to tell us goodbye. THAT DAD NEEDS TO HANG OUT WITH HIS KIDS. Leaving all that work to mom means (beyond just him being TA) that those kids are not gonna feel as close to him as their mom. Part of being a parent is taking on some of the work and getting up JUST SOME mornings shouldn't be a huge deal.
you know what? good on the husband in the last story for standing up for his wife. She has done all that she can to balance a delicate family dynamic and to invite her step-kids to be involved with her family/traditions while also respecting their feelings and decisions. SOunds like the in-laws just don't -want- to be happy with her, even a decade into this relationship.
So this is like the 3rd or fourth time I've heard the "my wife does too much" story and one thing sticks out to me every single time - Does the wife insist they do something together as a family EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND?! My parents never insisted on that sort of thing. Weekends were usually for staying home and doing chores. Helping us kids with our homework if we had any. *MAYBE* going to the library though usually we went to the library with mom after school, not with her and dad on the weekend. There might be the occasional movie. There's something off to me about parents, especially the moms, who insist on an activity every single weekend. It's like they're trying to emulate reality tv "moms" or "family" vloggers. Neither of which portray REAL parenting situations.
I suspect massive anxiety around being a 'good parent', probably exacerbated by social media and judgemental peers and/or family members. However, just telling her to chill isn't going to help. If she's suffering that kind of anxiety, she CAN'T just chill; that's not how anxiety works.
With the fourth story, I feel a bit curious about whether the in-laws might resent the co-parenting situation and/or prefer the stepchildren's mum to the stepmum. Might be me just overthinking it obviously but I can't help wondering whether it's part of what's going on.
'im an active and engaged parent' he says, whilst refusing to wake up early to make them breakfast and help them, and by the sounds of it refusing to plan outings and activities on the weekend? (I do agree the occasional weekend off would be good, kids need downtime, but we're only hearing his side so i wonder if it really is both days every single week, or if they do have chillout days at home)
The only issue that I might have with the cooking tradition, is that it was offered to Dex at the age of 6. OP was dating the dad when her step kids were really young, so did they offer them to participate in the cooking when they were 6, or did they wait until Dex was 6 and the step kids were teens to ask them if they wanted to join ? Though tbh maybe when the relationship was more fresh and they were all adapting to the new dynamic, it wasn’t the best time to offer « family tradition ».
The second one. Dad wants to just have the kids get themselves up and ready every day? I don't know what world he is living in, but it's not the same one as his wife and kids. I'm wondering if he ever helps her handle the kids or if she just does everything herself. Maybe mom is high strung and controlling, but it sounds more to me like she has a good idea of what their kids need and just wants a hand making it happen. Mom could probably afford to loosen up, but dad needs to step up big time. I do push my family into more activities and have higher standards than my husband like when it comes to meal planning for the kids, but he doesn't just sit there while I do the work. Dads should be equal partners in raising kids.
when it comes to the step mom thing, the most she should do is to remind the step kids that it is open and possible to join. i can see what both sides are saying because sometimes the kids forget they are welcome and just grow salty.
Second story, completely agree, Shaaba. I have depression, insomnia, and likely autism, and I need a whole hour just to be able to get up usually. It can be very hard for those with mental disorders to get up on time, even with planning, and even when you're an adult. Being a kid that young with it makes the issue even worse. And an eight year old is NOT old enough to reach counters and get themselves cereal and milk without likely spilling it everywhere, let alone a ten year old. Twelve year old may be fine, but applying those rules to all ages isn't good. Yeah, the screen time is a bit odd, but as long as she increases it as they get older and thus more responsible, I can see where it could do good. Giving them time for other interests is a GREAT way to prevent phone/tablet/computer addiction, and especially at their age is quite good. But staying at home all the time can be quite bad. Sure, doing things all the time can harm, but having downtime and be a good parent like it sounds is very healthy. Also, OP's thing of not wanting to help her when she's stressed is extremely toxic. Partners are supposed to be there for eachother during stressful times, and yes sometimes to snap the other partner out of stupid shit. But OP doesn't want to; it seems he never fully committed and his blaming his wife for his own issues.
Eight is absolutely old enough to make yourself a bowl of cereal with milk, something that includes no cooking and just grabbing a bowl and pouring something in. I know plenty of children who were already cooking or baking at that age. The only issue may be reaching things, but that can easily be fixed by putting things the children need at a level they can reach or by having a small stepstool in the kitchen.
@@s.a.4358 You highly overestimate an eight year old's reflexes and overall development. They don't have the physical or mental development at that age to properly coordinate the proper amounts of cereal and milk, so could end up either barely having any cereal or barely any milk, or even too much milk or too much cereal. It genuinely doesn't sound like you understand child development at all. Just because some, keyword *SOME*, appear able to do it, typically it's a trauma response because they need to do it themselves
@@lovelysakurapetalsyt My ND kids (7 and 11) are perfectly capable of getting their own non-cooked breakfasts and dressing themselves in the morning. I do agree that a parent should be up to supervise and assist on school days when you are on a time limit, but I'm with Dad here. If she wants him to help, she needs to accept that he does things differently than she does. It doesn't mean Dad doesn't need to step up and support Mom - he should be supporting her and sleeping through kids getting to school is not it. But there should be room here for a compromise. Does it really take an hour for the kids to be ready? It might! My kids only need 20 minutes. Find a reasonable time and agree cereal - or other non-cooked food, which exists! - is perfectly appropriate a couple of days a week. It doesn't need to be all her - but part of the compromise may mean lowering her standards. If this were flipped and Mom was telling Dad to get up and cook breakfast if he cares so much, I feel like we would be applauding her setting boundaries.
@@easjer Can you not read? Just because some can doesn't mean all can! 11 is one thing, you should be able to then, but frankly, letting a 7 year old do that is concerning
@@lovelysakurapetalsyt letting a 7 year old get his own breakfast is concerning? Uh. I could not disagree more. Clearly. He's not cooking, he's not using sharp cutlery unsupervised. He doesn't like milk, so he eats dry cereal or pre-washed/pre-cut fruit or yogurt or another no-cooking-needed item like muffins. I was perfectly capable of pouring my own cereal and milk at that age, and if a kiddo isn't, there are other options that can be made available. FFS.
The dress: it should not matter what the SIL wants. It's not her wedding. If she really really had her heart set on wearing red, she should have been an adult and had a conversation about it. Otherwise it just seems like a petty jab and reason to throw a fit. Unfair parenting: As a household you need to agree on raising the kids and managing the household. I agree that the time is crunched and honestly they could do a meal prep of individual breakfast sandwiches or something to help ease the morning routine. If OP is just not an early bird, I understand. But they need to find ways to support their spouse in other ways then. Vacation from heck: You can feel however you like, but that does not include trying to forced others to do what you want. Family drama: The in laws just need to mind their business. They can offer the treats to everyone, but forcing kids to take part in a tradition that's not theirs is uncomfy, and withholding tradition from another is ridiculous. You never know when a parent or child could die or become ill. Let them make cake and have happy memories.
honestly I agree with Shaaba, I wish more people were open and honest about their emotions; and I say that as someone who has had the kneejerk reaction of saying "I'm fine" when I clearly wasn't. I've only recently started to open up more myself and letting people know when I'm not okay; because I have friends with anxiety. If I pull off that kneejerk reaction of "I'm fine" with them when I'm not, they'll worry that it's something /they/ did; which is never the case, it's always some third factor that I feel some kind of way about. Plus pro tip for my own silly brain: getting the help you want does unfortunately mean you have to say there's a problem you need help with in the first place
It kind of felt nice hearing you say "no, Lizzy, you don't need to feel that way!" because even though you're referring to a different person, that is my name 😂
Doesn't sound like the husband is "engaged" as much as he says he is. Besides don't they have jobs or something ? Why isn't he just up already . He doesn't say he helps with homework, house stuff, kids, fun trips, breakfast , not even with helping keep boundaries set
The last one was very interesting & I agree that OP is NTA. I'm an only kid but my parents and I grew up with some fun traditions, one of my favorites being smashing our moldy carved pumpkins after Halloween. Traditions can be personal, trying to force your kid to participate would be terrible!
Just... giving the benefit of the doubt to Cs BIL - maybe he told her in a more panicked sense? Like he didn't know what to do? Maybe I missed something?
Yeah, that kind of violence is concerning and a potential safety issue. Like I would certainly want that information to make informed choices going forward.
Yeah, I usually agree with Shaaba/get what she means, but I was so surprised on the accusation of BIL gossiping? Like, I read that as him being really afraid because his partner was being violent
i think with the one with the waking up with the kids, i think it is more ESH than YTA. I do think he's wrong to be like "either wife wakes up or nobody wakes up" but i can see him being like, on days im in charge i set my own routine, which might involve more autonomy for the kids, but ill still be up for 30 mins or so for last minute things and making sure they are out the door on time. So i agree he is the asshole for the morning routine, to do absolutely zero things. But for the screentimes and weekend routines? i do think those are rest times for the family. and if rest times are causing stress to one member of the family, and the other people need to be badgered to do them, then it isn't restful. Not every weekend needs an outing -- plan outings if it brings you joy. somedays it is just ok to veg out and decompress on the screen at any age. The parents just need to both communicate more and be on the same page, and part of it might be let's make a chiller routine.
My siblings and I used to get up by ourselves and go to school on our own. However that's cause we had a single mom who worked 2 jobs. We got up at 5, bus came at 6:30. As for cereal it completely depends on what cereal. Here in the US people are only just realizing that cereal companies have been using the whole "breakfast is healthy" line despite their products being just sugared stuff. Like why do people think marshmallows in their cereal is "part of a balanced breakfast"? Idk. Honestly? That couple probably just needs a decent shedule. She doesn't really need to baby them that much every morning. Like 1 hour? How is she helping them get ready and make breakfast in that same hour? I think maybe they could both get up every other day and make breakfast together and the other days the kids can just eat cereal or something and getting them ready will be much easier those days without the cooking. He could get up earlier and she doesn't need to cook every single morning. Kids don't care either way, your life as a kid overlooks all that stuff lmao.
They should just buy healthy cereal like porridge or granola or oatbran. I'd definitely not be making a cooked breakfast every morning. I'm with him on that at least.
Hope you and Jamie did something nice on your anniversary! My husband's and my first anniversary was yesterday and we went out to a nice dinner at a place with really good food that also happens to have been the place where we went to our engagement dinner with both his and my parents. :)
Nothing like getting home from shitty day and having a Shaaba video waiting ❤ Reactions: Story 1: Nope, not the asshole. C might need some anger management though... Story 2: Yep. You're the asshole. Your wife is trying to parent. Simple as that Story 3: Not the asshole. I think Lizzie might need some help though. (Also the husband thing-?) Story 4: Not the asshole. Kids don't want to, they shouldn't have to. The other kid still can
I’m sorry I fell off the fence and I can’t climb back up 💩 He says he’s happy to help and then goes on to literally list all the things she does, interesting that.
For the Dad with the high standard wife i would give this an ESH. Because clearly both parents have different ideas a out how to parent and they are not communicating, coming up with a compromise and supporting each other.
13:02 - I kind of agree with the mom on the cereal bit now that I've become attuned to advertising and stuff. They've always said that "cereal is *part* or your balanced breakfast" because it's always like pop-tarts or like chocolate frosted sugar bombs 😆😆 with almost 0 nutritional value. but even if it were like Weetabix or something that's just fibre. you need the other stuff.
The OP who isn't on the same page as wife with regards to getting up, even 12 is a bit young to assume they can effectively get themselves up and out for school. I'm picturing a person who was "parentified" as a child and maybe getting up in the morning causes some internal stress about those memories. But, yes, an hour is not enough time for ONE person to get 3 kids effectively ready for school and Mom just wants you to step up. It's not "helping" when it's your own kids and house and family. Get rid of that mentality and step up and then maybe mom can not be so tense.
I get up 2 hours before I leave for work and that’s when my son isn’t at home to require assistance. 😂 I just like to be up early and work myself into the day.
Story 1: BIL sounds like he's not in a happy relationship :( OP is NTA Story 2: he's not willing to wake up early just one day a week? For his wife? Just compromise, dude, it's a relationship "I'm an active parent and do my fair share, except doing work every single weekday morning and doing anything on the weekend"
agree with you onthe second part, is in normal for US schools not to have a longer than usual "snack" break sometime in the morning ? Just my own experience, growing up most people I knew had cereal or even no breakfast at home and would bring /buy a snack for the break around 9:30am and then be satisfied until lunch around 1pm
@miridroge6043 my brother did his HS in the US and he told me almost no one would have a snack before lunch at 1pm I did all my school years in France and past elementary school no one had snacks either
Listening to the last story about a family cookbook made me think about the family cookbook that my great aunt made back in the day with a collection of various family members recipes that she included, only it was much funnier/more light hearted than traditional recipes because it included my dads version of making dinner at the time, which was to call the local house of pizza and order takeout, and hilariously enough it even included the phone number for the place in the book 😂😂😂.
In North America, the cereal isle is about 5% GOOD choice, 10% OK choices, and the whole 85% left is sugary cereal. And the “good/healthy” choices are usually 1-5$ MORE per box. Most households only have the sugary kinds, maybe have a box of “ok” ones. Here (canada) the usual cereal for breakfast is not healthy.
17:00 I absolutely adore how OP is like "Can you believe MY WIFE is PARENTING and ENJOYS TIME WITH OUR KIDS!? MAKES FAMILY ACTIVITIES!?!?!? I'm an engaged an active parent tho" like hun????
1:40 honestly I wouldn't think about not wearing Black either 😂 Last wedding I went to, I was wearing mostly black, and so were other guest (buuut the groom was a former goth sooo that was ok 🤣🤣🤣)
I will say, on the point of screen time in that one post about the OP wanting his wife to lower her standards: If you are going to limit your kid's screen time, you should take some responsibility in finding something else for them to do. You can't just limit one of the things your kids do for entertainment and leave it at that. Take your kids to the library to find books to read, look into extracurricular activities that your kids might enjoy, take them to the movies or something, whatever. Don't just say "try to play outside," actually engage with your kids. If the parents in that story(or really just the mom because OP seems like he isn't doing much)are putting in that effort, then good on them, but if they aren't or if their efforts just aren't working with the kids(for example pushing activities the kids don't like), maybe letting up on the limit would be a better idea, at least giving them more time.
Oh I totally want to know if someone who was coming to my wedding was so much of a psycho they'd break a TV over a dress so I could uninvite them for my safety and others. C clearly has severe issues and can't play well with others. I wouldn't have put up with as much as OP had already dealt with. I'd ask 'did you not hear me or are you actually ignoring me?' I'm the sort of person that avoids toxic ppl so I wouldn't attend things where that person was or even consider inviting them to my wedding, even before that crazy violent TV breaking.
I am one of those people who need at least 15 minutes in bed after the alarm goes off. I am lucky enough that my mom understood it so she used to wake me up leaving me time to “buffer” but when she wasn’t home my dad always woke me up late, I had to do everything in a hurry and then I was grumpy for a few hours… Every kid has different needs and parents should understand it
For the second story - I'll play devil's advocate just for the sake of it. At 12 I was walking myself up and preparing for school, because parents were already at work. Doable, I was dressed, Fed and on time. Kids can at least start to be a little bit independent, let's say mom wakes up 15 minutes later at first and checks how it's going (for the older ones, but they can help the 8 year old). Check if everything is packed the night before, make sure the clothes are ready and there is some food In the fridge. 12 year old can make a sandwich. Heck, 8 y.o. can do that. Screen time - I have no opinion, it wasn't a thing back then and I don't have kids. Weekends - let's understand it as "we have to plan things to do every weekend, wife is running out of places to visit, likes to have everything lined up and gets frustrated when we go of script". That would be exhausting, kids need to be bored from time to time, they need down time, staying home one weekend a month is not a bad thing. I ready it as relaxed (and maybe a bit lazy) dad who wants kids to be more independent and stresses mom who wants to give them the best childchood by organizing (and maybe controlling) everything. There is a middle ground. But maybe OP is just checked out and his wife is tired of the mental workload.
As someone with two working parents, I do not find it unreasonable to expect children to get themselves ready independently. As a parent I’d still want to be awake to say good morning and have a little chat about the upcoming day, make sure everything is going well, and so on, but I don’t think an 8 year old necessarily needs help to get dressed and grab a bowl of cereal. Of course it depends on the children and they mentioned one has ADHD so that is a factor. Or even things like a child needing help with their hair (or just liking the parent to fix it nicely), if they are morning people or likely to sleep through the alarm, if there are also pets in the house that need attention, etc. No two families are the same.
2 hours a day on screens does not seem strict at all to me! I used to be allowed 30 minutes from the second the tv turned on. However I would also say that more than 2 hours isnt necessarily bad either
I mean, I feel like this is something that is very different between even people within the same generation. For those who were children during lockdown, 2 hours is absolutely very strict imo. Kids' social lives already heavily revolved around online gaming and social media and internet culture even _before_ they went through nearly two years of social distancing.
That seems really strict to me! I grew up in a house that didn't have cable or satellite or any form of TV channels beyond the 5 or so we got just natively. Still, so long as my homework and chores were done, there was no limit if I wanted to play video games or watch one of those channels or even do a marathon of movies. I loved reading, and I still do. I feel like my parents putting a limit on the amount of time I was allowed with the TV (or later, the computer) would've actually made it MORE important to me, not less. Instead of finishing the book I was on, I would've been scrambling to make sure I got that allotted time in before bed.
@@katharineeavan9705 I was a child during lockdown and boy some limits on tech would've saved me from a mental breakdown and disordered eating but that is very individual. I don't think I worded my original comment very well. I meant that it doesn't seem strict because of the amount that I got not that it isn't actually strict if that makes more sense? Also I do think lockdown is different to just regular life. 2 hours on a school day seems fine to me but again I wouldn't say that giving them more than that is bad either
10:56 where I am from in India, it's not really a rule not wear red to a wedding the way it is in western countries. Red and other similar colours are usually worn by the bride and her close female relatives like mums and aunts. Because weddings in India are very season specific, like there are only certain days in a year where having a marriage is considered auspicious so sometimes there might be multiple marriages in a family within the span of a couple days or weeks. In that case some brides will even where their own wedding dresses to other weddings.
In my experience (as a South Asian), it's common for people to wear red and even their own wedding outfits (if it is simpler) to someone else's wedding. This was the whole reason why I chose a wine color for my dress at my wedding. :D
I just wanted to point out that the grandparents/Inlaws from the last story sound like they are the type of people that would say something along the lines of "Well I played sports, so all of my kids have to play sports too!" or "Well I never cooked anything, so why should I allow my children to cook things?" They sound like the type of people who want all three children to be carbon copies of each other instead of individuals with their own interests and desires. Also, for the second story with the 'overwhelmed' wife/mom of 3 kids. The dad/husband (OP) kept saying that he "Does his fair share" but never specified what that was. He didn't seem to help with breakfast, or getting the kids ready for school, isn't helping plan or execute the weekend plans, doesn't seem like he really does anything at all when caring for the kids. He didn't mention anything about helping out at dinnertime or bedtime, or picking up the kids from school. So I highly doubt that he is even doing the 'bare minimum' of what a dad/husband should do, let alone his 'fair share' of parenting.
"Defrost period" 😂 I'm calling it that from now on. I have to get up 2 hours before I have to be out the door because I am so slow when I first wake up. It takes me probably half an hour before I officially leave my room and start getting ready. Defrost time, thats so perfect 😂
With the swimsuit one, so for context I'm a musician and a flautist at that so it's like The Most Competitive thing, and one of my best friends is a super super good flautist. My mental health hasn't been as great regarding my flute playing the last year and I was really jealous at her! I didn't tell her because I didn't want to but I told our friends and was fairly open that I was feeling like that and that I didn't like it and that it's nothing to do with that person, it's to do with me. That's how that friend should have been because yes you're allowed to feel feelings that suck and tell people about it but as soon as you start hurting people over it, that's just not OK!
