she let them rob the house 😳 r/AITA 

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For the second story, the sister should have told OP "look, I cannot be watching this house all on my own. I'm going to move in with my boyfriend and lock up." The sister bailing on the house and not telling anyone is irresponsible and something even a 17 year old should understand to be wrong. OP is definitely putting the robbery blame on the sister, which is wrong. Robbers could have busted in while she was there just as easily as they could have when she was gone. But the sister not communicating that she was changing the plan is uncool.

First OP is definitely the drama. I agree with Shaaba-he’s trying to dance around the core of the matter, which is punishing Bee for not taking on his surname. This isn’t about her being “too independent” or “feminist” and therefore rejecting his generosity. He says he’s all about “sharing surnames” but he’s not taking on her surname and it doesn’t sound like his son is either. Shaaba’s point about “would he keep paying for his own daughter if she chooses to take on her partner’s surname in the future?” If he actually respects her choices, this wouldn’t be a problem to be posted about.

OP #1 doesn't have to pay for anyone's vacation. But if you pay for everyone else in the family and single out one person, be prepared to damage your relationship with that person and quite likely with her spouse as well.

Hi so I found the original post for the robbery one and wanted to add some extra context. He states that Stacey's father had actually told her she could move in with a "female friend" if she wasn't comfortable waiting the 3 weeks and what they are "most mad" about is that she chose to stay with her boyfriend when she's knows that is "NOT okay or appropriate". (So apparently she's not mature enough to make her own decisions about who to be with cus God forbid she has sex but leaving her alone for 3 weeks would have been fine??) Also there is now a guardian in place for her. Her birthday was the week prior to the post. The stepfather couldn't come back because it would mess up the retirement or something (OP seems a little unsure). Also only half the family is speaking to OP which seems very telling imo.

Names are a cultural tradition and not one with good implications for women. Given the fact that FIL is sniffy about a simpler wedding, he seems to be implying that money gives control over other people.

Good grief the father in law in that first one 😃🤦🏻‍♀️ he's such a control freak. Literally punishing her for having her own mind and doing things differently to what he'd do. If that was my father in law I wouldn't even want to go on any holiday or anywhere EVER with him. Jesus christ.

Unfortuately with the GI bill, it is not up to the professors whether he can miss a day. His attendance will be noted and sent to whatever department pays out to our veterans and THEY decide if he can be paid for the day or not. So ultimately talking to the professors will do nothing. He'd have to go through VA services which can take forever and may actually put him well past the time you are due for induction. Love good ol US red tape.

Why in 2024 is it still the assumed thing in a heterosexual relationship that the woman should take the man’s name? I know a few women who’ve not taken their husband’s name because their degrees (these are nurses etc) are in their maiden name Also don’t get me started on the fact that we still use the term maiden name

In Spain women don't change their surnames when they marry. Like at all. You have two surnames, the first from your dad, the second from your mum. I always thought that was kinda unfair. Every couple should be able to discuss which surname will go first for their kids (which I think you can do now, but it usually doesn't happen). But the idea of changing MY name, officially, as a working ADULT, with all the paperwork and problems that can cause, all of it FOR A MAN, it horrifies me :/ The fact that someone would be OFFENDED because I just want to keep MY name is annoying af. As if I have to change my identity to prove my love for someone(????) Why. I simply don't get it.

#1: Totally YTD. The one time you decide on a luxury trip you decide to cut off your DIL. Claiming "if you want to be independent, we won't pay for you." Stomping your foot over something that is not your decision to make.

For the second story, I'm actually gonna say ESH. The step sister shouldn't have blocked OP and ice her out cause while it's crappy she was put in the position to care for the house, by blocking OP, she had no way of knowing if everything was okay in an emergency. OP is getting mad at the wrong person about the robbery though, and definitely shouldn't have posted online. They both made mistakes but ultimately the biggest ahole was the mom for leaving them in this position.

For the last story, is the mother's behavior due to thinly-veiled homophobia, I wonder? The line about it being a "sin against G-d" if she doesn't marry, stood out to me as almost Victorian in value judgement. "The woman without heterosexual desire, or a domestic space shared with a husband and children, was stigmatised as ‘abnormal, perverted, unnatural’." ... a quote from the book: Odd women?: Spinsters, lesbians and widows in British women's fiction, 1850s-1930s by Emma Liggins, 2014 (a very interesting read!)

Story 4 reminded me the first time I heard “I’m proud of you” from my parents was my wedding day (age 32) - I did not love that. I immediately recognised that my value to them was very much linked to following a very traditional path.

31:00 I feel like the husband is not asking for three reasons: 1. He's in the military and used to just accepting every rule as non-negotiable, particularly when tied to income. Even if the professor said they wouldn't accept it, I imagine there are people at the university or with the military who would take umbrage with a professor that doesn't allow this exception 2. He's a little scared of helping with the birth, so may be avoidant 3. Toxic masculinity is preventing him from asking his professors for help & potentially also contributing to his feeling that he can just leave the birth to his wife

#3: Ask the teachers. You can get some a-holes as professors, but there's a chance. Also, check the school's policies. Sometimes they have a policy for medical issues and first days.

Oof that last one hit close to home. I'm AFAB and had to have an emergency hysterectomy in my twenties due to really bad uterine fibroids. My parents and a handful of my extended family guilted me about that decision, even though I've been saying I didn't want kids since I was in my teens. I'm still a little traumatized by them, like I should've remained fertile and risked my own health just for the off chance I'd change my mind on having kids and getting married.

It looks like Shaaba and the OP of the second story have different ideas about why the robbery happened. It's clear from the way OP talks that they think the robbery only happened because the house was left unattended, whereas Shaaba thinks it would've happened anyways. That's the reason OP blames their sister: they think people noticed the house was unattended and decided to take the opportunity to break in. I wonder if the term "robbery" is really accurate here, with the way OP talks about it.

I disagree with you slightly on the second one Shaaba, while I agree that OP is in the wrong for blaming the sister, i would say this is an ESH. The sister was not wrong to leave the house, where she did go wrong was not communicating that with OP and then blocking all contact. The key in this really tricky situation is OPEN COMMUNICATION, OP could have been clearer about what sister needed to do in those 3 weeks, but also sister should have communicated with OP if she wanted to stay with her bf, and leave the house unattended, and then arrangements could have been made to keep them lights on, check in every now and then or whatever to ensure everyone was safe and hopefully prevent the robbery. yes 17 is quite young, but definitely still old enough to be sensible and make mature decisions, you're almost an adult at that point. I do totally acknowledge that the OP was in the wrong for putting so much blame on the sister as she is still young and it is the mum's fault, but i think the sister needs to take at least a little blame for totally avoiding communication with OP altogether. This was a spicy one! I never really feel the need to comment on these but this one game me lots of thoughts!!

I think everyone sucks in the robbery one. It's understandable because they are kids and are put under stress. Yes the OP is in college but unless they started college late they're prolly barely not a teenager. It was a shitty situation and there was likely poor communication with regards to emotions and dealing with stuff. It didn't seem like any option would've been good. Like if a 19 year old person was in the house, would that have made any real difference? Turning 18 doesn't stop you from being young and unprepared for a lot. It'd be different if the situation involved someone in their mid 20s sure, but like this just looks like two kids who don't know how to deal with a traumatic situation and one is blaming the other because they can't do anything about the people who hurt them.

Would you have the same opinion if the sister was 18 instead of 17? That's basically the same age. There's no switch that goes off at midnight of your 18th birthday transforming you into a responsible adult. It's not as simple as "she's a child she can't handle that" or "she's almost an adult she should have been able to handle it" your late teens are an awkward middle stage when you're neither. We need to stop treating the ages of 17 and 18 like they're totally different and there's a huge gap between them.

stories like that last one make me very grateful that when I told my mom i'm aro ace and would probably never get married, she was just quiet for a few minutes then said "that kind of sucks for tax reasons, but okay!"

#2 if someone was watching the house to see if noone was home, then if she had stayed, they will have watched and seen it was only a 17 year old girl leaving there and it could have been so much worse. Things can be replaced, people cannot

The second one really comes down to communication. The little sister needed support and security and she did what she needed to do, 100% on board. BUT, she should have at least texted big sister and been like "hey, I can't be alone in that house anymore, sorry" and they then could have come up with a different plan like a neighbor checking on it or even a house sitting service.

For the last one: im nearly 34. Ive never had a proper date, never had a partner of any kind. It used to stress me out because i thought thats what everyone was meant to do, get a partner, get married. But then i just...stopped caring? I realised that looking for someone was making me miserable. That i was actually pretty happy alone (also i have chronic illnesses that mean I'm exhausted all the time, so outside of work, im basically useless anyway). So im pretty much resigned to being alone. If someone comes along, great. If not, im ok with that. At first my mum was worried because she wanted me to find someone to settle down with (i think shes mainly worried about me being alone after she and my dad are gone, and not being able to fully care for myself), but she just accepts now that im not that bothered. Ive never wanted kids, so thats not a factor either. Im lucky that my parents are so understanding and listen to me

Lots of questions on the second one… Did the younger sister agree to watch the house or was she told she had to watch the house? Staying in a house all alone during this kind of life shattering situation sounds awful!! I wouldn’t want to be alone in her place and I’m an adult! Did they ask her if she would be alright all alone? They should have asked if there was anyone that could stay there with her (her BF or a friend). Why did she block her sister?! This seems really dangerous, if she was in fact living alone. How would OP reach her in an emergency? Sure, she could have blocked her because she is being a bratty teenager and not thinking things through, but it could also be because she didn’t want the responsibility of watching the house and wasn’t being listened to. Lastly, and what I find the most suspicious. If a primary guardian of a minor is arrested, why was a social worker not brought in to make sure the child had somewhere to go? IMO there isn’t anywhere near enough information to determine who is being the drama here… I’m not even willing to concede that the mother is the drama as I don’t know the details of her case. People get put away for absurd lengths of time for bullshit reasons every day in this country. Also cash bail needs to be abolished!

Among many other frustrations… For the first story, as Shaaba pointed out, this view likely wouldn’t extend to OP’s daughter if she were to take on her spouse’s last name someday, she wouldn’t be considered a separate entity from the family who has to be independent. And OP going like “she’s idealistic and wants to retain independence” while obviously making this decision based off a difference in world views… He acts like he’s being mature and showing her the consequences of her actions, but it reads like a kid telling his younger cousin “you called me dumb so I’m not sharing my ice cream money, nah nah nah.” He’s being incredibly immature, and sure, not covering their part for vacation is his choice, but the reasons he gives are childish, and will have repercussions of their own which I doubt he’s willing to own up to, by the sound of things. I hate when people in positions of relative power call out others for being privileged, then exercise their resources to “teach lessons” and pretend that’s just the way of things. It sounds like he can’t stand things not going his way and he feels the need to put his daughter-in-law “in her place” to feel like he’s still in control.

For the OP who doesn't want to get married... I cant see why she should change her mind! Many women don't want to get married and seem to live long happy lives!! She can even decide to have children and remain unmarried or unattached!!! It's nobody's business but her own and Mom needs to get over her unreasonable expectations and silly dreams!!!

The second story awoken a memory within me 🤣 my parents and I were on holidays for 2 nights in the city 1 HR away, with my 20s ish sister minding the house and working. Someone tried to put their hand in the letterbox to open the door from the inside, which can be done if it's not locked (thankfully she did lock it). Our cat heard this and started meowing and waking her up and she managed to scare them off with the lights and shouting, but she looked out the window and saw a van at the corner of the estate with figures at others doors. She called the police but they showed up about 30 minutes later since she wasn't in immediate danger, so they drove off and nothing really happened even though they could have been caught 😅 But thank you simba the cat for saving the day ❤️ hes still praised to this day for his bravery

There is not a single professor that would not let you leave if your wife is in labor. It feels like he just doesn't want to be there during labor.

#2: ETD. if the sister announced her move on social media, or among friends, she could be partly responsible. If she didn't leave a light on, she made it clear the house was empty. More to the point, what was the sister told about her responsibilities for those 3 weeks? If she knew what was expected ane especially if she agreed to it, it is her responsibility for leaving the house unattended. She could have dropped by once in a while and made it look lived in. If after all the stress OP is going through, to walk in on a robbed house could definitely be the last straw. Her sister blocking her (not wanting to deal with it) would be for me.

Oh that last one boiled my blood as an aromantic

Second story is technically a burglary because nobody was there. Had Stacy been there, it would have been a robbery

I'm used to hearing men telling women they won't be happy if they don't marry. It's kinda sad the mom got the same idea for her daughter.

My sister and brother in law have discussed this and they were fine with double barrelling, but my sister wanted to drop our surname and take his. She's still a major feminist, it's just a personal preference. If that's what the daughter in law wants and the son agrees, then the OP should probably butt out of it.

the first story is wild. there shouldn't be any conditions when you join a family and that's essentially what's happening

Id say that in the second one everybody sucks at some level. OP for the reasons stated by you, and her sister because she didnt tell anyone about moving out and leaving the house unattended after she agreed to stay there. Though i must say that they are both in a really difficult situation which would somewhat excuse them imo

Okay second story. Everyone sucks. A point I feel isn't being considered is the fact op said how they knew where her sister was(staying with her boyfriend) was because of social media. That means the sister definitely put something online that would indicate the house was being left unattended, and while her being there certainly wouldnt guarantee the theft wouldn't have happened, her actions might have contributed to why the house was seen as an easy mark.

As a note on induction - I was induced with a high risk pregnancy for my oldest. I was told I was not favorable for induction (no dilation, no effacement, baby still up high, etc) but there was no choice given my sustained very high blood pressure. In fact, when it was decided it was a Monday afternoon and I'd been in the hospital over the weekend, and my OB said if she had been in town, I'd already have had a baby. So they kept telling me this was going to be a very, very long induction. They were going to go very, very slowly to give us the best chance of avoiding c-section. They said Wednesday or Thursday delivery. We had an elaborate plan for how I was allowed to eat Tuesday (solid food during labor wasn't allowed). All our decisions were based on this anticipated long, long induction. She was born within 12 hours of pitocin starting on the lowest, slowest possible dose and I was high as a flipping kite because I took All The Drugs because they kept re-iterating how much I needed to rest to have strength for this very long induction. They had to call my husband at 3 am and tell him to come to the hospital because I sent him home for the night to take care of the pets and get a good night's sleep - I was passed out from fentanyl + epidural and didn't realize I was in full active labor until they woke me up to push. My sister, on the other hand, had a 4 day long induction that ended in c-section due to infection setting in - baby had the cord wrapped around every limb and was so tight there was no way for him to come out vaginally. You just never know in advance how it's going to go.

For the gi bill thing, as long as you pass the classes they don't care if you miss classes. Even failed classes, as long as you don't miss a certain percentage of the classes doesn't affect the payments. I've also never heard of the school dropping people from classes just for missing one.

so... in the first story... OPs the drama, but also like i just have a question OP is saying Bee decided that her fiance (the son) wouldn't be having a mother-son dance with his mother, right? or did the son decide not to have the dance? what were the son's feelings on having or not having the dance? I'm hung up on the mention of this dance lol.

Second story if OP was aware that they might end up in a caretaking position for step sister.. why tf weren't they checking in on her. She sounds like she didn't realize she was blocked until she discovered the robbery (3 weeks later!) when she got home! Like.. you weren't calling her daily to make sure she was ok? 3 weeks?! Without a home cooked meal, or a hug, or a goodnight sweetie!? OF COURSE she left!!!! As an aside Shaaba, pretty sure with military deployment you only get to come back if it's like.. a death/deathbed situation and even then you have to get approval from your commanding officer (if not more) and cover your own travel expenses. I've heard lots of stories of people who missed saying goodbye to parents/grandparents because they were deployed. So.. it makes total sense that step dad couldn't be there. That said.. he still has a phone.. why tf was he not calling 17 y/o every day! I hope 17 y/o's bf family treats her like a princess and shows her what unconditional love looks like and I hope she never goes back.

In the second one, I feel like there is context that we are missing. Specifically because of the step-sister blocking OP when it is unclear whether she even knows about the robbery or not. I feel like there's very possibly a reason for that that OP may not be sharing with us. Maybe it is to do with the house situation, maybe the step sister has been arguing over having this responsibility thrust on her (notice OP never really says that she agreed to this responsibility, it could have been something OP and mom decided for her, and then didn't listen to her protests, which might give context to her then immediately leaving for her boyfriend's house). Maybe it's not, and maybe the two siblings were fighting over something else unrelated, but it could explain why she went to her boyfriend's house to go no-contact with OP. I just feel like there's probably a lot that we don't know about the situation and the people who assumed that she had blocked OP's number because she was guilty about letting the robbery happen are jumping to conclusions.

The 17 yo sister is NOT responsible for the robbery unless - as Shaaba mentioned- she was careless in things she said or ‘invited’ the robbery. That was a lot of responsibility for a 17 yo. She might have been frightened being alone at the house. The sister is NOT the a-hole. Perhaps the mother is, but barring that, NSH.

My dad keeps saying he wants me to find someone, get married and have kids. I have always told him no, and even if I did find someone I don't want kids as I want to focus on having a career and ensuring I am financially stable (which has been a big issue in my life). He gave me the same speech about me being ungrateful for everything he has done for me, and I just told him that I did not choose to be born. I have also pointed out to my dad that he does already have grandchildren, and have pointed to my cats too. He has brought it up again since then, but I always shut him down. He knows I dislike kids. We have arguments over it because he is always saying I should become a teacher with my history degree, but I point out to him that being a teacher is very demanding, and if you hate those kids, then you won't survive in that career. I can handle kids for a very short amount of time, but due to childhood traumas I get very overwhelmed and exhausted when I have to deal with them for any longer than that. He might always bring it up, but I am not changing in my view point. I know, potentially, I might feel different about having a kid in the future if I find someone I feel like I can completely trust, and I have my own financial security but, right now, my view point is not moving. Especially when I am already content with my cats.

Was there no grandparent or aunt/ uncle or literally any other adult who could have come in for Stacy? The parents had a responsibility to make sure there was someone looking out for the 17 year old. She may not be a child, but she's not an adult either.

I can't remember now where I read it but I know I read years ago while sitting in a doctor's office that if a woman married below her station (think a duchess marrying an earl) HE was supposed to take HER last name. So really, the whole "women taking their husband's last name" thing should only apply if he makes more money than her. If she makes more money than him he has to take her last name.

For number 2: everyone sucks. 17 is old enough to look after a house, you can move out at 16 after all. She knew the situation and left, her boyfriend could have came to stay with her knowing she was requested to stay there until her sister came. However, op is clearly stressed and her sister is the easiest to blame in the moment, she IS to blame but only on the smallest degree: on the list, she's at the end of it. They need to talk, but if she's blocked I'd honestly wonder why? Was her sister running away? Blocking the only person who was coming home to help the situation and going somewhere else without telling her screams that, imo. [Also I'm tired so this is probs badly written;;]

I would have been scared out of my pants at 17y when I was left alone in the house especially for 3 weeks. For the vet - disability might be from trauma and he might not feel able to be there (and not feel able to communicate it.)

#1 The discussion on what to do should be up to the people getting married. OP definitely does have a problem with it. Why does it matter what someone else does? I hate the idea that it has to be the woman that takes on the surname of the man in a het marriage. If a man wants to, he should be allowed to take on the name of the woman too. In fact, he should do that as an ultimate FU to OP

1- FIL is the drama and a misogynist. 2- Mom and (probably) Dad are the drama. I find it hard to believe that the father couldn't get leave to deal with the situation if he wanted to. Leaving a 17 yo alone for 3 weeks is reasonable under certain circumstances, but this isn't one. True, she should have been keeping family updated. OP is basically a child too, except in the legal sense. Her anger is misplaced, but the circumstances are arguably even more stressful for her given that she's been forced to leave school so it's not surprising she isn't making perfect choices. 3- OP is not the drama. Yes, school is important, but there's no way that the birth of his child isn't an excused absence. Would he be telling OP to call her mom or deal with it alone if she went into labor while he was in class? My guess is that he doesn't want to be there and is using it as an excuse. 4- NTD. No explanation needed.

Very petty father in law in the 1st story, Shame on him. The last story, as a parent you raise your kids to live their lives and do what makes them happy, they sound like horrible people.

I gladly took my husband's name because I wanted to be rid of my father's name. If I'd stayed single, I probably would have legally changed to my mother's name, which my sister actually did do. I was already using it unofficially. People love to say you should never share your mother's maiden name because the DMV asks for it but like, she's a well known teacher in my home community and she switched back to it while my sister and I were still kids? And the name is in my email address. It's not exactly a mystery.

Just curious how do you think a pair of people who both have double barrelled names should handle getting married. A) adopt all four names as in Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore B) Adopt one name from each side to make a new double barrelled name, though that raises the question whose side you choose, the mothers surname, the fathers? Is that Drama I hear. C) choose only one last name (and again whose?) D) something else

The second one feels like a ESH (everybody sucks here) but in a NAH (no assholes here) sort of way. They are both a bit at fault but with everything they are going through they can't be expected to be thinking with a level head. I think they just need a heart to heart and someone or something that can just help them get through everything that is going on. I wish them both well.

I was left to look after myself for 4 weeks, a few months after moving in with my dad. I don't blame the teenager for going to stay with her boyfriend. I found it very difficult to live by myself for 4 weeks and go to college. We lived in a rough area, and there had been break ins around my area before, so I would become extremely anxious at night. I also wonder if he even called his stepsister during the time she was alone to make sure she was okay. It sounds like he discussed all these plans with his mother, not really checking on his stepsister. That could have easily been a reason why she blocked him.

Thank god my mother doesn’t feel like the mother in the last story, I’ll be 32 in August and never been in a relationship, no interest in getting in one either

Wait? Are you an "adult" at 17 in the UK?! It's 18 in the US so, yeah she absolutely was still a child Nevermind the fact that science has proven your brain isn't even done developing until 24 AT THE EARLIEST so efffff that, tryna say this poor girl should just buck up and be ready for a whole house alone ugh Also also, this level of expectation from OP really smacks of parentification, and potentially points to the kind of expectations that were probably placed on her at a similar age

I had a friend who was at home when their house was robbed once, they were only in their mid teens, and their family were mad at them for not doing something about it. People really do just misplace that very understandable anger. In this case it seems like two very young adults who have been let down and are facing an inordinate amount of pressure, who couldn't deal with it. 17 year old could've been scared being htere, there could be a lot more going on behind the scenes that OP doesn't mention wrt family dynamics. I'm more on the ESH route, but with a much stronger onus on the op than the sister.

oh that last one REALLY gets me heated because i feel what OP was feeling. My mom has been telling me since I was 5 YEARS OLD that I would give her a grandchild. It's been FRUSTRATING! She even had my aunt corner me in church (where I couldn't tell her to go f herself) and DEMAND an answer to why I wouldn't provide my mom and grandchild and how selfish it was to deprive her of that honor. It. Is. Frustrating.

Wait… why is the first OP so mad at his son’s fiancé and not his SON? I think he sees her as a harpy who is controlling his sainted son. Ridiculous.

I remember reading the first one when it was new and it really steamed me up. Dude straight up invented a stance to connect to something he didn't like about a person so he could pretend to be "respecting her wishes"

Re: the mom demanding marriage out of OP. Yeah, I can COMPLETELY relate. We had The Talk a good 30 years ago now, about me being gay, and so forth. And it was stunning to get the confirmation I was actually entirely dreading: that I was supposed to be straight, so I could get married, and give her grandchildren. All my life she has treated me MUCH more like a literal slave (with physical, mental and emotional abuse to back it up), and that whatever I do reflects exclusively on her. (To the point where during The Talk, she asked "What am I supposed to tell the neighbors?!") My father made the decision at least 40 years ago now that reality must take a back seat to her religiously crazed "reality". I say that because they were fighting nearly every day for a long time. To the point where things were thrown. They went to what the Church called "Marriage Encounter" where he was instructed that keeping the marriage together was FAR more important than happiness. Because it's what God required. So, ever since then, he has done a spectacular job playing around in her incredibly warped view of reality, and defending/enabling her in it. Quite often to my detriment (I'm an only child.) If that particular issue is what finally permits OP to wash their hands of mom until her attitude changes, then I'd take that as a godsend, and just be done with it. Keep the boundary set, and accept no reconciliation that tries to either allow mom to pretend that she's changed when nothing has, nor that because there's a reconciliation that **all** is forgiven, when it isn't. Both of those are just the kinds of games I've become immune to from them being done to me, so definitely keep your eyes open for either or both of them.

Found the original post for the baby one and she was deemed the ass hole. There's also an update, her husband was able to get the day excused (so he made it an issue for no reason), it took a couple days but she gave birth on valentines day, there was some complications at the end but everything is fine now and they are happy :) Edit: Also on the account there's another post from a few days prior that was removed for being too long but the title is "AITA for not wanting to have any sort of relationship with my husbands side of the family" now whilst there's no additional context it definitely could help explain why she seemed against his mother being there.

honestly i slightly disagree with you on the 2nd story, i would say NAH because everyone is clearly acting out of emotion and stress (and rightfully so). i completely understand the frustration of the older sister, a 17 year old is not an adult but it is someone you expect to be able to rely on at least to some extent in case of emergency. it feels like everything happened so suddenly and OP was juggling so many things and just wanted her sister to do her part in trying to keep the family afloat and i don’t blame her for getting mad once she found out she was doing that all by herself. at the same time, i definitely don’t blame the younger sister for reacting the way she did, when everything she probably wanted at that time was a bit of comfort and security, and OFC she didn’t expect the house would be robbed. both are going through a lot and are trying to deal with their emotions, but i don’t believe anyone’s at fault except for the mother (and partially the dad who should’ve stepped tf up)

9:02 🤢🤢🤢🤮 That's the reason I cut ties with my male parent. He is a narcissistic manipulative person trying to control people with gifts, money and guilt. If I was his nice, obedient, submissive daughter he would pay everything for me, give me expensive gifts, voyages, job connections... (never took more than a little gift here and there, and he still tried to make me feel obliged). This gaslighting lead to me having a real problem excepting compliments, gifts or even friends offering to treat me to a meal at a restaurant! I can not bear to owe anyone anything! Which is really fucked up, because I love giving gifts to loved ones, treating them to a nice meal or showering them in compliments. My friends and loved ones have a hard time showing me affaction the same way because I can't shake the feeling that there are always strings attached.

The induction one is complicated for a few reasons and I do agree to overall the answer is he needs to discuss it with his professors to check whether this could be an exception. But one thing I want to make clear is the GI bill isn't just a scholarship. Yes it helps pay for tuition, but my understanding is you also get like a monthly stipend. In that seems to be supported by the wording of the post as she considers it part of their income. So I'd say this is more similar to a situation where a person could potentially get in trouble at work and lose their job. Just something to consider.

Okay, there is a weird thing about the break in story that I am just not getting: did the family NOT have insurance? OP is blaming her sister for needing to replace all her valuables and such and I am just like, "dude, file a police report and call insurance." They'll ask for a detailed list of what was stolen, which should be in police report anyway, and, boom, they cut you a check and problem solved.

Alas for both the 2nd and 3rd stories, the US Government, the Military especially, is just like any other corporation. No extenuating circumstances, no excuses, you are a resource, not a person. You only matter to them so long as you function in your role and don't stir the pot. You're disposable. Soldiers get arrested for desertion (violation of contract) just for sneaking out to visit their newborns. So unfortunately, the stepfather in story 2 and the husband in story 3 had both already signed away their lives to government.

The second story - It's the sister's fault, to a degree. I'm not saying she set the place up to be robbed but she decided to leave the house empty. Didn't get anyone to look after it at all, didn't let anyone know she had gone anywhere (the older sibling said they only knew where she had gone because of social media) and that opened it up to be easy pickins for robbers to get in, get all they wanted, and get out without fear that someone come along and find them. She didn't have to stay there but she should have told her dad, her sibling, someone "I'm not comfortable doing that. I don't want to be alone. I'm going to this place, find someone to watch the house" and then it maybe it wouldn't have been robbed, they would have known where is and that she's safe. I don't think the older sibling is the drama for blaming the sister. They aren't blaming her for the robbery, they're blaming her for running away from the one thing she has to do while everyone else in the family has so much more to deal with externally. Yes the mother started all of this and yes they should be angry at her, but, like you said "Just because it's not your problem doesn't mean you don't have to deal with it"

I have a double last name, because my parents weren't married when they had me. My dad insisted that we have a double last name to show that we are both of their children. When they got married when I was 3 my mom took my dad's last name fully, which my dad was actually very sad about. He wanted to double barrel, but went with my mom's wants as he always wants her to be happy, but they kept my name the same. They ended up having 2 more kids after getting married, but kept the double last name so all children have the same name even if it doesn't match theirs anymore. Now I love my last name, but run into the problem of what to do when I get married 😂 having a triple last name just seems crazy, but I also don't want to give up my name. My sister went the route of changing my mom's last name part of our name to her partner's name since mom no longer has that name anyway, but I hate that idea for myself. Happily though, no one in my or my partner's family is trying to pressure me with either direction.

In that second to last story, it sounds like he just hasn't even bothered to ask the professors. I tell my partner all the time to ask his manager at work about certain things (time off, appointments, etc) and he just makes some excuse like he already knows what they're gonna say so why bother asking...avoiding any sort of confrontation at all costs when it would probably just be solved with a simple conversation 🙃

The last one is a classic toxic family system centered around the mothers needs not the child, and the father is wrapped up in defending the family system as her codependent. OP needs to understand she has two nonfunctional parents through no fault of her own, and live life accordingly. She owes them nothing.

First story, OP is definitely TD. You can't say you respect somebody's choices and then go on to treat them completely differently because of those choices.

For context, in my experience the GI bill is funky and is based almost entirely on attendance. I was using it at one point, while I was taking a go at your own pace class, and I ended up taking and passing the final three weeks early. My teacher would have gladly let me miss the remaining classes, but even with permission, it would mess up whether I would get my funds. So, I had to show up just for attendance, which as it was a four hour class, there was attendance at the beginning of each hour, leading me to sit at the back of the room on RU-vid for three hours because I had to be there physically. I could only miss a couple classes in the whole quarter, even when I had already completed everything for the class. So if OP’s husband didn’t know how many days after he might have to miss I can see why he would feel like he had to show up to class that day. I still think it is tricky and OP is not in the wrong for wanting him there.

last story: it sucks that op's parents suck so much, especially the mom, but in the end it looks like the trash took itself out. live your life, mom needs to mind her own business.

for the post with the robbery i think ESH would fit best. Yes, the parents are the most at fault here, and yes, op's reaction to go to Facebook wasn't a good decision, BUT the 17 year old is also not an angel! As a 17 year old myself - we. are. not. children anymore. I dont feel like an adult and in her situation i probably wouldn't have wanted to stay ALONE in the house for THREE weeks either! But it's one thing to talk it out with op and discuss the option of the sister living with her bf and maybe tighter security? and it's a whole different thing to just up and leave and then BLOCK op?? that's not the way to go...

For the second one I am pretty sure that there is some poor wrd choice and some misdirection of anger What I gatter is that OP meant the house got invaded because it was empty and unnattended for so long (which may mean said robbery wasn't forceful or violent, just pretty much they went in and took all stuff) and her sister just bailed wthout telling anyone, so OP is kind of conflating both issues and blaming her sister for the robbery, when they are actually angry that her sister left without notice and blocked her everywhere to essentially cover her own shae

For the second story, I wonder how old OP is. Assuming they're a traditionally-aged student, they're probably 19 or 20, 21 max? that makes them not too much older than the stepsister, which I think makes having to take on that burden even harder and would make them even angrier that someone 2-3 years younger couldn't pull their little piece of the weight. Posting on FB was an asshole move but so was blocking OP in the first place (if the timing was worse, OP could have walked in on the robbery and gotten injured or something). Mom shouldn't have done the crime that's causing all of this in the first place, and dad should have requested a leave of absence from the military if he knew his underage child would be left unattended for three weeks and have to be under guardianship of someone in their early 20s. ESH for SURE

I'm so shocked that OP in the robbery story was actually deemed NTA!! People really have no sympathy for others.

I'm from a place where it's actually expected for everyone to keep their own surname. If I'm not mistaken, special paperwork has to be filled out if you want to take on the other's surname. It's not automatic, and it's almost considered a weird thing to do. I'm very glad of this. I'm happily married, but we both continue with our own surnames, which a) fit better with our first names; and b) sound really cool in their own right and would be a shame to lose. Where I'm from, when it comes to kids, that's usually when "double barreling" of surnames happen, though the child can also choose to take on either or both surnames as an adult.

For Bee, I'm ok with everything you said the responsibility part, if she doesn't want anything to do with tradition but she should have all the advantages link to it? There should be a middle ground. And for the next story, why should the older sister have all the responsibilities and the younger one none? She's old enough to move in with her boyfriend without telling anyone and jeopardize the house, she's old enough to think a little and at least, warn somebody she can't stay alone there. When you're in that kind of situation, you don't block your sister, you talk to her. The robbery is a consequence of her not caring, a text to warn doesn't cost anything. Otherwise, you're always so nice and understanding, I'm inspired

Story 1: There are many reason for a woman to not change her name when she marries. For one, it can be a bloody pain! You have to do name changes on everything and it can get pretty frustrating - especially with places that are only/primarily on-line. (I think I have one account that still has my former name even though I've been married 10 years.) It can also have repercussions on your work/career if name reputation is important. And for some women, there can be sentimental/respect reasons relating to their parents/family. Also, IMO, OP came across as somewhat misogynistic. Story 2: I think OP can validly be angry with that the sister moved out of the house, told no one and blocked OP. With everything else that was going on, and even without the robbery, it would likely have caused OP to panic at not being able to get a response. Walking in and seeing the robbery, that would have been so much worse. The anger OP feels toward the sister may actually be mainly due to that shock/worry and not really the robbery. (Note: OP didn't mention how the thieves got in. It could be that the sister left the door unlocked or a window open.) Story 3: I see two possibilities: 1) The husband would rather not be there for the birth (possibly even for a valid reason) and doesn't want to admit it. 2) The husband is so locked into the army mindset of following orders that he can't fathom even asking about permission. Story 4: The mother is definitely an AH and should be the one doing the apologizing. She sounds like she desperately needs counseling.

* grabs bait * * also grabs late dinner so they don't eat the bait by accident *

Shaba and this comment community are wonderous. I am so blessed to be here. This reminds me of the show good idea-bad idea. We get the wholeseome and the way drama instigators can improve. I was trying to figure out double barrelling. Being raised in Tx I though it was a shot gun thing lol 😅. Glad I figured that out. Congratulations on your awesome name and marriage. Control issues and manipulation= drama Older folks tend to have greater accumulated wealth and more conservative veiws where Im from. I think thats where the term patronizing comes from. Like they are paying for our submission. If you reject the "gift" or "help" it is considered rude. They know howrough it is on most cases. The advice of work harder doesn't always get the bills paid ironically. Tickled my pickle 🥒 In a Bad way 😕 That is a wonderful way of saying agitated. Context matters The fly on top of dump💩 Did a naughty 😮 These phrases and word choices are gold. I appreciate how you approach these with such compassion. Ok thats enough commentary from me... Hope y'all have a great day.

The first story is not only shrouded in unreason, but also in self-righteousness. The way he said „I am torn between supporting them and RESPECTING HER independence“ ticked me off. She never said she doesn‘t accept assistance! You’re not helping your family with having privileges, I am pretty sure paying for holiday is -again- usually a present without strings attached. I would simply not come to these events if I always had to play a part just to be there. Sounds so stressful…

Oh god I felt that last one- I literally had a similar discussion with my mom 3 days ago. I've never hidden the fact that I'm not interested in dating/marriage/children making, but this was the first time I directly replied "no" to the question "you don't like boys??", instead of making vague remarks. She thinks something is wrong with me psychologically, and wants to take me to a therapist (quick note, I'm turning 23 this year) I mean, I don't care, I can go. I know I'm perfectly normal, so she'd just loose money lol But since that discussion she keeps blabbing about how love is the only thing that moves the world, and makes us human, and that every single piece of art was inspired by love.. I did try to tell her that romantic love isn’t the only existing type of love, and that there are many kinds equally important, and that not experiencing sexual and romantic attraction DOES NOT EQUAL TO BE DEVOID OF EMOTIONS but she has selective hearing and will get only what she wants to hear 🙄 Also apparently the only purpose and the gratest moment in a woman's life is having children, so how dare I not follow that path- Jee I'm getting annoyed just typing this out lmao

14:30 Is there're in college, this person is probably 20 y/o and asked to be the adult while she's supposed to treat her 17 y/o sister like a child. It probably feels so unfair to her. Of course, the behaviour of the 17 y/o is so normal/understandable from the outside but I feel so much for the OP. If I was on reddit, I would just show support to this person and not even really give my opinion on the "I'm mad at my sister" thing, because wow, that's a lot to go through.

I just wanna add to the Stacy story, OP never said that Stacy "promised" or even agreed to watch the house. He said, "we decided that..." It sounds like OP just decided Stacy would be "assigned" to watch the house until OP arrived. If Stacy is "underaged," then she's right to decide she's safer with adult supervision (her boyfriend's parents or an adult boyfriend). If she's "adult" enough to be held responsible, then she doesn't have to do what OP says anyway. She would be an adult and has the right to leave. OP is definitely the butthole for roping hours underaged sister into a dangerous situation against hey will and her (evidently) better judgement.

The fly on top of the dump! 😂😂😂😂 Omg that is the best analogy. And you came up with it so quickly! Love it ❤

I think the main thing with the 17-year-old situation is she didnt let her family know she didnt want to stay at home alone. Like if that had been communicated they might have been able to have someone keep an eye on it. The chances of a house being broken into do increase when no one is home for multiple days. I do think 17 is an age where accountability shouldn't be discredited but also people shoulda been like, periodically texting her and being like "You good?" too. The other members of the family are also accountable for just leaving her unaccounted for and then blaming her for a shitty situation.

Something I noticed from the first story that might give insight into the omission of the mother-son dance: op mentioned Bee was not walked down the aisle by her father. It could be that she did not want to include that because of the implication of her father "giving her away" to her husband. But it could mean that she may have a strained, or otherwise complicated relationship with her father that contributed to her decision, and may mean she omitted other father-of-the-bride related traditions as well, including a father-daughter dance. If that was the case, she and her husband may have decided to also cut the mother-son dance so as to not call attention to the absence of a father-daughter dance. Just something that caught my attention. The FIL is absolutely the drama for using his finances to punish Bee for her choices.

The "you need to get married, you're crushing my dreams" infuriates me!! OP is 110% not the drama- I do not want children, I am gunna get married as I have a fiancé but for a long time, I didn't want to and no one should of told me I had to get married (people still did try to tell me to get married though) and my aunt is pushing the idea of me having kids more then my own mother is- if I were OP, I would just throw the mother away at this point, I wouldn't contact her as she clearly wishes to disregard the boundaries of OP and just try and force her idea of what's "the thing to do" down OP's throat-

Pessary induction can take 24hrs to start labour, some women need a second one, some it doesn't work at all, so I see that point but given high risk if she is rushed to c-section baby can be out in 30mins, depends how easy it is to get there from college

the 17 yo sister one has a bit of a cultural aspect in my viewpoint, me and my siblings were latchkey kids because of our parents working 3 shifts, and for the most part they watched me, even before they were 17. they kept me fed, they stayed put and if the house was invaded, we knew how to use a phone at least. the sister left the house alone, no lights on, that's super risky. i think she was irresponsible and she actively ran away from the aftermath by blocking the older sister

#2 ESH The mom is the biggest AH. OP is the smallest AH. BTW when I was 17 years old, my mother had graduated and gotten a job 260+ miles away. I was left by myself for several months. All I had to do was go to school and be present so our residence wasn't left abandoned. I was finishing my senior year and didn't want to move to a new school in my last semester of high school. 17 yo should have let someone know, if she was uncomfortable with staying. She should have never left with no notice to anyone, then she made it worse by blocking OP's number. She (17 yo) was selfish and obviously didn't care about anyone but herself. I don't think OP meant that sister should have been there even during the robbery, but that she should have let people know. Maybe there were friends that could have kept an eye on the house but 17 yo was not even responsible enough to let someone know. I think that is more what OP is rightfully pissed off about. This isn't any difference then a17 yo whose parent go out of town for a weekend, they throw a big party and partiers tear up the house. If she would have let someone know, maybe other arrangements could have been made but she didn't let anyone know. That make her an AH as well.

2nd story A 17 year old should know to not do what she did. BUT we don't know her mental state, if she fully understood how bad it was leaving the house unattended. I was stupid as a teen. I would probably would leave too if I was alone while everything was burning to the ground(i.e. mom in jail and knowing her life is in shambles) We don't know if she expressed her concerns to OP or not but if she was told tough shit stay there till I get home, I'd block my sister too. And all this doesn't change the fact that she is a MINOR. Yeah the robbery might not have happened if she was there but if it happened during the hours she could be at school or out to dinner/lunch she wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway. I'm glad she wasn't home alone when they broke in. It could have been way worse. Also the dad if in military 100% could have been home in a day or 2 if he told his commander. "Hey my wife just got arrested and my daughter is all alone. I need to go to her." And if he is in a job that is abroad he could have told his boss and been sent home.

I am loving "My Girlfriend", it gives me Steven Universe vibes! About the 1st story: people are so afraid of telling (show v. Tell); show emotion, tell the facts

For everyone mentioning the communication being the teens responsibility (for the robbery story) I really think you all are missing an important detail. It goes both ways. Did the family properly instruct on what teen should do if she left the house? Did they say what she shouldnt do? "Dont leave to do it with your bf" would be the least of my concerns if I was in that situation. Bc of course she will. But make sure the teen knows that the house looks occupied, make sure not to tell anyone and make the house a target. How much did the locals know, did the story hit the news? Do we know when sister blocked OP after the robbery or if she blocked her before it? Did OP check in with teenager often enough, bc if it was robbed for looking empty, how long would a robber wait before being sure its empty? How recent was the robbery to OP's arrival? Could they have prevented it by keeping communication open throughout the 3 weeks, not just when she couldnt be alone, but communication directed by the adults just to say, "hey how you doing, sis?" If this was done, they could ensure when exactly sister blocked OP and know if the robbery did indeed happen bc she was gone for so long, or if it was within a day or something else that could indicate maybe it was robbed by someone the family/teen knew, who learned that it would be empty and when. Was this reported to police, was there eveidence of breaking locks/windows, bc forced entry robbery is never even the kids responsibility, not even for failed communication. Forced robbery meant the doors and windows were locked but they broke in regardless. Its not the same as forgetting to lock the door, which would still make the theft the criminals' failt. Context from more posts indicated that dad said she could go, but of course she is going with bf. So give her more practical actions that she can take for making that decision. Wanna treat a kid like they are responsible for house sitting? Then give them instructions not rules. It is actually ridiculous that they even bothered to say "and dont you dare have seggs with your bf, almost legal adult, with a bf," bc 90% of teens will break such rules on a good day. This kids life was turned upside down, being with bf was probably the safest she felt during those three weeks. If she couldnt sleep with her partner, theb she was not ready to take care of herself in a house for that long. And shoulda been aware this was the case and prepared the kid more for it. At the end if the day, communication being even partly the teens' responsibility means the adults failed at communicating even more. They needed to teach her what to do, not just breathe in the house and keep the lights on, and "dont live with your boyfriens," but actually what to do and what not to do to keep the house and herself safe. And also how was this child getting fed? A huge detail a lot of people are leaving out.

For story #2 I disagree with you a bit. The younger sister should have told OP that she's leaving & can't deal with this on her own. 17 is an age where this is not too much to ask for. I would also feel let down by her and feel angry. I'm also not sure if the house would have been robbed if it was visible that someone lives there. Houses usually get robbed when robbers see no sign of people inhabiting the place over a period of days... I still agree that it was good that she wasn't there when the robbery happened, because at the end we don't know what would've happened if she stayed. And I still think OP let out her anger, helplessness and frustration on the sister wayyyyy too much. I agree that a lot of OP's anger should actually be directed at the parents, especially the mother. It's not the sister's fault that both of them are overwhelmed with a situation they're not even responsible for but need to take care of now.