give me your egg TOMORROW! 🍼 r/AITA 

Same here. I’ve actually become an entirely different person just to appease whoever I’m with. That might be the case for the kid Edit: I just want to clarify that I’m not explicitly saying THIS is the reason why the kid’s answers were different. I’m just saying that this is a possibility

I did the same thing (granted, my parents had a very toxic relationship, and this one doesn't look like that)

Yup, I can confirm that...

Very true

Yep

Worried that Steve was isolating Ellie and now that OP is there it set him back on that tbh. I saw the red flags too. Not the family dynamic part, but everything else. Kick Steve to the curb and Ellie and OP can have fun without him.

Yeah the first thing i noticed in that story is how weirdly jealous he is of his wife’s sister… like that’s really really weird

@@kooskoos1234 it’s like how narcissists hate family pets bc they get love and attention diverted away from them.

completely agree with this comment!! I genuienly don't understand how OP is that simply the AH for Shaaba ? I literally re-read it three times cause I thought I was confused.

@@cexilady3333 true

Literally my own reaction to hearing that story. Thanks for putting it into words. (￣^￣)ゞ I’ve been going through a similar situation the last two years and eventually just moved into “supported” (supported my ass) housing in May this year, because I’d well overstayed my welcome at the old two bed flat (was essentially camped in their living room) and my brother and father didn’t want to get a three bed with me. (Kinda broke my heart a little tbh - I just offered to pay rent if we found a new, bigger place but- ya know. I’ve just not been able to function recently and it’s been really hard). So yeah, have conflicting feelings regarding this story. I think there is such promise for the aunt staying there and becoming part of the family, and the husband should give it actual thought and an actual chance. But at the same time, living somewhere where you are unwanted is so damaging and can create such a toxic environment and push relationships to the edge. I hope it works out okay for op. 😔

Yah as someone who is AroAce hearing/reading that stung a bit. I know I will be unable to "build my own life" in the same way others can; however, I also don't want to live alone for the rest of my life either. The societal expectation that people should be trying to achive a nuclear household would cause that though. I really feel that for a lot of people the post was tinted due to what society views 'should be' the case. Obviously there are more sides to the story but from what we have OP was paying a form of rent, helping with chores, and babysitting. In addition the only one who seemed upset at OP staying there was the Husband, who appeared to not like OP being in OP's sister's life even before OP moved in. Yet that living arrangement is automatically bad/less desired/a strain because it is not the standard? With that if the expectation was already set that OP was only there temporarily it would be an AH thing to decide to live there on a more permanent basis without asking them first. We don't know if this expectation was set though.

Yes! Maybe I'm relating to the aunt too much but as an aro-ace-agender blob myself, I was disappointed by the response. I'm best friends with my sister, and she has always introduced me to her partners with the understanding that I will be a part of their lives/family unit. I plan to live close to or with my sister and her current long-term boyfriend is thrilled about this. He jokes that we'll have 3 people to split the sleepless baby nights with and he's right! So Steve shouldn't necessarily feel threatened. I think it's telling that he did feel that way. If he was more secure, he'd realize, like my sister's boyfriend, that there is just more love for the children, the sibling isn't trying to "steal" his wife, and, if he shaped up, maybe he could have a new close friend too! More love for everyone and it's about time we got rid of the nuclear family idolization. There are hundreds of beautiful family structures to celebrate and the nuclear family is just one of those hundreds.

Steve probably wanted and was expecting a nuclear family, and he's upset that certain things aren't going to plan. The auntie is not entitled to live in Steve's and his wife's house indefinitely. The auntie may not want to have a new spouse and kids, but she would need to be accepted by everyone else who's living in a house that's not hers.

If a family decides to live like that, then that is totally fine. But in this case, they haven't decided to change the family structure, they wanted to help OP and she is not the one to decide what the family structure would be because she likes it.

This. ESH. The kid is three. Have a discussion together when you’re switching who has him and ask him together. Don’t imagine you’re getting all the information.

Yeah I’m going with ESH (besides the kids, obviously) because neither parent seemed all that interested in being adults and figuring out what he actually wants. They needed to make sure he understood the decision he was making, because kids that age might not realize long hair/short hair is an either/or scenario.

Yeah like I’m not a parent but even with FaceTime it seems like this could be handled better.

​@@TiffanyAllen1784nautr

I honestly don't get why they're making such a big deal out of it. He's 3 and it's just hair, it will grow back.

You need to remember that some families don't _expect_ men to interact with kids. He probably contributes in other ways like making sure the water heaters work, the taxes are filed, the grass is cut, etc. Just because he may not be directly engaged with the family 100% of the time doesn't mean he's lazy as fuck. If he didn't expect his sister-in-law to stay at his own house forever, can you blame him for wanting the her to leave and get things back to normal?

@@ShinyTillDawn I mean, if he's doing weekly/yearly chores only and his wife is doing all the everyday chores, then yes, he's that lazy.

Totally agree. Also I’ve noticed Reddit seems to hate people who have housing troubles and need to stay with family members regardless of situation or how good a housemate they are.

@@HiBuddyyyyyy Reddit users just dogpile on people for not being hive-minded.

I agree, family set-ups don't need to be nuclear to be happy and healthy. Growing up that was pretty much all I knew, yea, we had grandparents come start for a few weeks a couple times a year or uncle stay for a weekend etc. but primarily it was my married parents, myself and younger siblings. But not every family lives like that and getting support is great - if I remember what Op wrote correctly the sisters are the only family the other has left from their family of origin, I can only imagine what it's like to be there for each other now. Based on the comments ShinyTillDawn has left here and in other spots, I'd hate to be any partner he claims to care about it.

Agreed. It's making me so sad that 2 creators I really like have taken this sponsor without looking into how bad BH are.

Agreed!

Seconded

boosting the comment!!

Agreed. Please.

Yup. A lot of what kids think is cool is because of older siblings, friends, etc. Also, the 3 year old seems happy with that haircut and he did mention the desire a few times. Even if it is only because he wants to look like his older brother, there is no harm in that. The kid is happy and having short or long hair is not something that affect development so there is no “health and safety” concern where the parents need to protect the child from hurting himself.

Exactly, my younger one wants long hair because his brother's is long. I told him he has to wait till he's 9, as I don't think he is able to grasp how annoying it is to deal with long hair. Also he inherited my horrible thin hair, while his brother's is thick and curly, and I don't think he understands his will never look the same.

However, kids are easily impressionable and never know what they're talking about (apart from gender and sexuality). Parents need to make sure that they don't do something stupid and that they'd regret.

I suppose there's also a part of me that feels like it's fine to look goofy as hell as a small child and have a look or clothing choice that's utterly ridiculous. Young enough that the pressures of feeling you can't pull off a look can't touch you...

I mean didn't we all grow up watching families on TV where uncle/aunt/grandma came to live to help out with the kids. The live in relation still had their own lives and relationships... i.e. full house.

​@@elaexplorer the Addams family had that dynamic

She did say the loan was 60k "pounds" so it sounds like she's in the UK but I'm pretty sure they're having a housing crisis right now and depending where they are in the country, renting could be so expensive that it just isn't feasible given op has to pay a massive loan

Nuclear families (just like everything else) serve to advance the capitalistic regime of the United States, but people don't really realize that, so Steve and his wife just blindly accept them. At their ages, you can't convince them to drop their ideal mentality.

Or if he feels she should be looking to move on, he should talk to his wife about setting a time limit. Asking her to just move out immediately isn't right.

His house. His rules. Therapy could help, but you'd need therapists that don't care about their income.

@@ShinyTillDawn that's not an excuse to be unreasonable. just because it's in your house doesn't mean you can treat your guests however you want.

@@k4nd1incyb3rsp4c3 Obviously, treat them like human beings, but if they're no longer welcome (for one reason or another) and thus tresspassing, then the owner of the house has a right to kick them out.

@@ShinyTillDawn she literally didn't do anything and has no place else to go. just because you CAN do something doesn't mean it's right. since it's my property I could just fill my room with dead fish, I have the right to do that because it's my room, but should I?

Absolutely! Having a plan moving forward isn’t a necessary part, especially if the arrangement is benefiting both sides. Sure, maybe you shouldn’t stay forever, but 6 months isn’t that long in my opinion.

Especially since it's only been 6 months. It's perfectly valid if she just wants to enjoy a moment of peace and happiness before she's even ready to look for other options if she so desires.

I wonder if Steve is having such a conniption because OP is shining a light on just how hands-off he is as a father, and his wife is putting pressure on him to step up. Because tbh if he is *usually* hands on, I’d think he’d be happy to have some time off with constant babysitting.

I have heard “no plans” mean “I don’t intend on doing this ever,” as opposed to the literal “I have no current plans.” What OP means when she says this does actually have a big impact on if she’s being an AH or not.

Tbh I think having plans (i.e. an actual goal to move out, with a timeframe even if it’s super vague) to move out would be super necessary for me. If I were married and my spouse wanted to have their sibling in our house for an extended period of time, that would significantly affect my life and I wouldn’t be okay with having them stay without any plans of leaving. It’s his house too, anyway, and he and the sister need to have a discussion about what they’re okay with. That might involve OP making a year/two year plan or something like that so that even if they aren’t out by that time, they and the husband both feel like progress is being made towards them leaving. If OP actually does just want to live with their sister and not leave for the foreseeable future, the husband should have a say in that since it’s his house too

100% agree, probably couldn't have said it better myself!

There is an entire person living in his house full time that he doesn’t even like. I’d be ready to get divorced you don’t invite someone to live in the home you share w your spouse without both agreeing ?? I’m sure a lot of coupled ppl have friends they’d love to move in and would help around the house, but you can’t make decisions like that without your spouse it’s so so selfish

For me, we just don't have enough info. For example, we have no idea if Stephen has already talked to his wife about this and just finally snapped. We also don't know if the reason he hasn't been interacting with his kids etc is because op is always there. As someone who really values their own space, the idea of my family, who I love dearly, coming on my doorstep and then deciding never to leave is deeply stressful and honestly entitled given that she is fully capable of supporting herself. Having said that, if this is the first time he's raised it, or he wasn't a present and involved parent before op showed up, I think the sister should reevaluate her marriage.

True. More info really is needed.

@@ktm9292 agree that more info is needed but I’m not sure he needs to have already raised it when based on what OP’s said, this was a temporary agreement while she got back on her feet. I don’t think he needs to have explicitly said ‘you can’t move in and stay for as long as you like regardless of how I feel about it’, that should go without saying and is kind of an unspoken part of the agreement. Only situation where it’s okay is if she spoke to the sister and Steve and told them she wants to stay for good, and they both agreed to it. Which obviously didn’t happen

@@leggyegg2890well get back on your feet after a divorce and 60 thousand pounds of debt is not just a very short term things. And he should’ve been actively talking about her moving out or asking questions or could’ve approached with a conversation saying, please I need space it’s time for you to move out. Just blowing up and saying “you’re ruining my family, move out right now” is an asshole move OP might be mid representing things but taking what’s being said at face value if feels very out of the blue

I agree, and I also think that as long as they have the space (it's not raised as an issue so Im gonna guess they do) there's nothing intruding on their marriage about living with another family member. I expect to live with family to care for them as we get older, and that won't intrude on my marriage. It might change our dynamic and mean we have to spend more intentional instead of incidental time together, but the sister is family, is recently divorced, and is in £60,000 debt. The husband is TA

This!!

Agreed! Saying she can't be part of their family feels to me like doubling down on this notion that a family needs to be a couple and their kids. This is the only family unit. When in fact various other options can happen and different parts of the family can happily live together.

Yeah, but his wife and kids sounded like they love having OP around, the husband sounded like the only one who had a problem with her being there :/

I think the main problem isn’t OP staying, it’s the complete lack of a plan even after six months. I’m not saying there’s some set time frame that it’s appropriate to stay, but “can I live with you for a few months to forever, idk” is an unreasonable ask as well. Also, keep in mind we don’t have the whole story. Maybe husband is an introvert who is tense because now he can’t even unwind in his own house. Maybe he used to spend more time with the kids/housekeeping but now he feels awkward so he spends more time locked in a room by himself. Maybe sister, while enjoying her sister and her help, misses time spent alone with just her kids and/or husband, but doesn’t want to say anything because she loves her sister and doesn’t want to add any more stress to her life. Maybe OP is a “swing by the store after work and pick up a few things” shopper while husband is a “make a list and go Saturday morning” shopper, and since OP is continuously shopping throughout the week there is nothing for him to go shopping for. Sure, he could handle the situation better, but how the house functions with OP there isn’t necessarily an indicator for how it functions without her. Or maybe husband is a douche who thinks taking care of kids/shopping/housework is for women, and sister is absolutely thrilled with having her sister live with her and will be sad if she moves out. We don’t know. We just have a few paragraphs from one perspective.

This! You need to get injections for a couple of weeks before the “harvesting” surgery!!

That family is just ignorant.

Exactly. I'll admit I don't have experience with this process but I've looked into it because science interests me. (It was apart of me looking into how it generally works as a whole.) It is NOT something that cam be done in one day. And even if it could there is clearly no way they'd be able to get a same day, or even next day, appt with a Dr. Especially with needing to see specialists get it all done. It can be a wait to see your pcp, let alone a specialist. Even if it is all private care.

As someone who is not lucky enough to have hair that grows to the lenght, and thickness I'd desire - I wished my parents didn't force me to cut my hair when I was yonger. Kids don't know better and do what they can to appease their parents; and tho "hair grows back" sometimes, that's a luxury.

@neilcognito My point is, that's why you start young when they can start expressing preferences. If they can understand early how fast their hair grows, they can start making more informed decisions.

​@@neilcognitothis is a child repeatedly asking over the course of 6 weeks for a hair cut it's clear he wants one. I'm sorry your parents forced you to get a hair cut, but forcing a child to not get a hair cut would also cause a slew of its own issues

"[C]hildren should get what they want if they can express a want." That would require parents to be completely permissive, which is not a great parenting style. You need to be authoritative, instead.

@@ShinyTillDawn About hair? About the child's bodily autonomy when it comes to hair? A body part that does not hurt when cut and grows back? Parents need to make every choice for their child, regardless of the childs wants, including the ones that would not hurt for the child to make for themself? The point of raising children is to teach them how to be independent when they grow up. It's a good small decision to get them started on.

The problem here is trust. He’s shown that she can’t trust him and that he’s willing to go behind her back if she doesn’t do what he wants. It’s going to be hard to bounce back from.

Completely agreed

@@TiffanyAllen1784 I agree that they should have talked about it beforehand but it seems like that wasn't going to happen. And to get the trust back, they need to actually talk about things. He broke the trust doin it knowing she didn't want it to happen, and she called him names after not meeting half way to see together what the kid wanted. Neither of which helps the situation and just pushes them onto separate teams. The situation could have been handled differently by everyone, instead it lasted months with no potential end. I'm changing to Everyone sucks, with him sucking a bit more, but neither handled it well. Also, My first comment was mainly that Shaaba kept saying that the kid only said it when the dad was buzzing the brother's hair, but that wasn't the case according to OP

@@laynasnow8550 She didn’t, though? There’s a point where OP says he’d also said it at other points and she reacted to that, but he could have just as easily been telling his mom something different. It’s impossible to know where the truth is on that, but his choice to go behind her back is undeniable. It’s the only thing any of us can be sure of.

I was thinking that, too. Nuclear families are overrated. I can imagine these months being the happiest in the girls’ lives when they grow up and look back on them, and it’s wonderful that the sisters are so close. If the sister hadn’t defended O.P. after her husband got mad at her, I would think that maybe she wanted O.P. out of the house and didn’t want to tell her that herself, but this seems instead to be an issue of disagreement between the sister and her husband.

Have you actually experienced a family member suddenly coming to live with you and your partner? Not a guest but actually living there as a part of the household. It can definitely put a strain on the marriage.

​@@s.a.4358 I javelin experienced that, and my husband was frustrated but we both talked about it and compromised. I made sure my cousin staying with us was not his problem. If she's really helping as much as she says she is, I think he's the jerk. He could've said this nicely amd explained how he was feeling instead of starting a fight and giving no reason.

@s.a.4358 i have yeah, and all problems we talked out just like you do living with anyone. I think if the husband is completely unwilling to compromise on this that's his right... but if everybody else is happy then maybe he's actually the one who needs to leave and maintain his own boundaries I also think it's odd that he seems to hate literally the only support system his wife has outside of him. That's generally a red flag and not a very healthy thing.

@@s.a.4358by that logic, we shouldn’t have children then. Because they’re family living with you and thus changing the dynamic between your partnership and household. I think this mentality might also be a cultural difference since multigenerational households are common in many BIPOC communities. There’s just not “one right way” to approach this and it just seems open communication is necessary to figure this out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree to all of the above.

Yeah, I too found her rationale more conservative in nature than I would have thought. Nuclear family dynamics is a relatively new concept arriving after the economic boom of the industrial era. It doesn't really function well in the modern case where housing costs have sky rocketed, and rent costs following suit. Not everyone has roommates that they can just go live with either. That's all side stepping the tribal nature humans are supposed to exist in, but still, I do understand the desire of having someplace as your own. I dunno. I think it's a really complicated thing that a lot of people don't really consider much because "getting a house and starting your own family" is so baked in as "what you're supposed to do".

yeah. What stood out to me was that neither Steve nor OP actually asked the sister about the situation. I mean, Steve should have talked to his wife first and they should have then talked to OP, but OP should have talked to her sister before just refusing to leave.

This! The idea that a SISTER does not fit into the FAMILY picture is insane to me... It definitely comes from the societal idea/norm of the nuclear family but that doesn't mean it has to be that way and I found that response to be surprisingly conservative. Although I'm not super surprised, because I've noticed this quite a lot in some of her videos but like, she's also just a person that's influenced by society like everyone else🤷🏻 but it's worth pointing out

That's what I think is meant by the sister and her husband putting OP in the middle of their disagreement. They're not on the same page and now OP isn't sure what to do.

Biggest red flag to me was how upset his wife got about it. Seems to me that he didn't even bring up the issue with her first before spouting out to OP that she needed to GTFO. Granted, we only have the one side of the story, but that reaction in particular tells me Steve isn't a great husband even if the claim of "ruining" his family and stealing his wife hadn't already done that.

My son loves his long hair and I've had all sorts of hair colors and styles. I've never been attached to hair, I use it to express myself but I wouldn't be upset if it accidently got cut shorter than I originally wanted. It grows back. My son has never wanted a haircut, and if he wanted he could. My parents are constantly giving him a hard time about it being long, and he tells them no, to their distain. I'm not too sure it's a learned behavior, because he liked it long on his own. (For reference he's 9 and has had two haircuts his entire life both of which were when he was 4 and 6) I think in the story mom was the only one attached to the hair so much she got mad at the dad. Imo it's a silly thing to be mad over, since in 2 years it can go back to long or stay short depending on how the kiddo wants to wear their hair

@@decay6516 Parents and Grandparents are not the only persons children can learn from.

Absolutely, I've never been particularly attached to my hair. I've buzzed it, dyed it, cut it myself even though I have no skills, knowing it might turn out ugly lol. I know it always grows back and if a cut turns out too horrible I'm not afraid to shave it off. I get being attached to really long hair because it takes a long time to grow back, but I don't assume this kid's hair is so long that it won't grow back within a couple of months or a year or so.

Also consider that children don't know jack shit at their ages, so they need their parents' guidance to learn what's best for them.

I agree, "I have no plans to move out," is not the same as "I plan to never move out".

Agreed.

I see your point but I'm gonna agree with Shaaba's ESH for the reason that the real difference in opinion seems to be on whom the onus belongs to start a conversation about it. After this incident is maybe too late but hopefully OP and their mom can finally have that conversation so mom doesn't worry so much and OP isn't faced with ableism.

Agreed. And like, sure, _objectively_ sitting them down “is the better option,” but it’s not the disabled person’s job to care about the hurting the instigators’ feelings. We deal with enough bullshit lol, and are already trying to navigate an ableist minded world. So I could never say the OP was an AH here. Shit be tiring yo, and you can’t always be the “good” little disabled/trans/minority person.

@@rion2499 literally last week Shaaba said that so I was confused about this here

@@rion2499 specifically “You do not owe someone the protection of their feelings.” She said this in the AITA on Thursday.

Yeah people forget that kids are natural people pleasers (which isn't a bad thing.) Sounds like both parents wanted what they wanted. Honestly though I don't blame him for wanting to cut the hair. It sounded like the Mom doesn't brush or wash it at all. And that is a legimate health concern for the child. This goes beyond it being annoying. I'll admit, if she refused to care for the hair and I were OP, I would've had ot cut short as well. Would it be the AH thing to-do? Eh. The Mom can get mad all she wants but for the kids health it sounds like a hair cut is better for the kid since she's too lazy to care for it properly. And the father by no means forced the child and the child sounds like he is happy with it. I think he's the AH, but I believe it is justified.

If these people are actually clueless on how IVF works, by the time they actually get a child, that child is going to want to escape those parents ASAP because the parents aren't gonna know how to properly raise him, her, or them.

You’re missing the bigger issue here. He’s shown her she can’t trust him to respect her wishes or successfully coparent. What happens when it’s something more important than hair? What if they disagree on corporal punishment, or medical treatment or something? What reason does she have to trust him? In her shoes, I’d be seeking out a new custody arrangement that requires the consent of both parents for any major decisions. Hair isn’t a big deal. Going behind her back, regardless of how mad or fed up he was, (or how much their not-yet-three-year old with no impulse control said he wanted it or was happy after) is the real problem.

When you’re co-parenting, you have to co-parent. The kid isn’t even three yet. If you’re getting conflicting information from him and mom, you wait until the next time mom drops him off or picks him up and the three of you discuss it. Everyone sucks here. It’s developmentally inappropriate to assume that the child definitely knows what he wants based on one sided conversations. They lack impulse control at that age. Even if he seemed happy with the results, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t also telling the mom that he didn’t want it cut. Communication between the adults is key. Her judgment isn’t clouded, she’s right. He’s given his exe a pretty big reason not to trust him now. Who’s to say he’s not going to go behind her back on something more important, like disagreeing with his “hippie exe” on corporal punishment, or whether or not to vaccinate, or give him medicine when he’s sick? He’s also given her ammunition for an argument that he’s not holding up his end of the co-parenting arrangement if she ever decides to petition for full custody.

Right? The boy’s hair will grow out again, if he decides he wants it long itll just be a matter of time until its long again

… if it comes to following a vaccination plan, I definitely hope he’s going behind her back and getting his son the shots he needs.

@@TiffanyAllen1784 Yes they should have talked about it together, that’s on both of them. But she shouldn’t be able to just have the kids hair whatever she wants without also considering the dad’s opinion. They should have equal say and that is not at all what was happening, she was completely overruling him and refusing to compromise. I don’t believe that never cutting his hair should be the default just because it doesn’t require any action, so it shouldn’t be the only acceptable option when she’s not the only one with a say in the matter. Also the kids opinion should count the most. It’s his body and his hair, he expressed that he wanted it cut for a long time.

@@adeliecn1763 I’m pro-vax, that’s not the point, it was just an example. Not being able to trust your co-parent to include you in big decisions is a major red flag.

Oof yeah I've also cried at home after a haircut

I’m the exact same! /lh

The real question is: Which divided side is objectively correct?

Yeah, I was gonna say it's a pretty intense process! I'm pretty sure you're anaesthetised for it? I'd not be getting right on a plane after that!

@@aliflanagan7669 That's what I thought! You'd think that the couple would at least offer OP a place to stay until they feel better or something, very ick

ngl, the vibe from the family in that story is like unwanted youngest “burden” child. makes me rly mad

It looks to me like they expect OP to donate the egg for her sister. Like it's not something she kindly decided to do but something that she SHOULD do.

They're also just ignorant. Imagine the couple raising their child to be a Trump supporter.

Those family members are probably accustomed to treating the OP like shit when she was growing up and demanding her to do everything for them. They say that ignorance is bliss, but enlightenment fosters a growth mindset.

slay king

Lil idea for you, free to use if you like. Professor thinks you need help with formal writing, so the best way to dispel this is to write her a formal letter kindly asking her to stop nagging as you are currently working it out just fine, thank you.

As a person who uses disability services where I'm enrolled now (ADHDly), I have a bit of a different take on your sitch: I think that you should register with the disability services department at your uni, but then tell them that you've been working on the writing issue yourself and that you don't think that you need writing support at this time as you've got a good handle on it already; and then you come back to your professor and say that "disability services and I worked out that I'm doing okay at the moment and don't need that writing support". The reason I'm suggesting this, well there's actually a couple of reasons: 1) disability services is more than just educational support - e.g. in my case they got the course fee waived for me and they've let me stretch out my one year diploma into 5+ years (and counting) 2) even if disability services offers any specific service that might be helpful, you're not required to use them 3) they're an extra layer of backup against your professor forcing you to do something that you don't want to do at this point (you know, appeal to authority and all that) Of course there could be something else that makes this advice completely irrelevant but based on what you've said I think this could help? Good luck with your studies and that professor!

That sucks, we push gender ideas and roles in small children which will effect them later in life

Nah, it's just þe non-Americacentric þinking you have.

Dad did offer though if I remember right? He was like "let's both take him to a proper barber" type of thing

@@outtathepantry yes! i think she just liked his long hair. if it was really about that, she would've agreed when he offered.

That and also it means she can’t trust someone who has their kid half the time. He’s already shown he’s willing to go behind her back when he’s not getting his way. What if it’s something bigger like him deciding that his “hippie exe” is wrong about corporal punishment? He’s given her some pretty substantial proof that she can’t trust him and he’s not holding up his end of the co-parenting arrangement if she’s angry enough to sue for full custody. A grown adult not showing much more impulse control than his three-year old isn’t going to look good….

She never expressed that though. If she wanted to be there she could have asked them to wait until she got there when he texted that they were on their way to the barber. She only ever talked about the hair itself.

It's important for kids to learn, "If I tell my parent that I want to change something, they will make an effort to make that happen."

People are allowed to disagree and not get along. Even people who are related (and neither of them serial killers) sometimes just don't mesh. That said, I still agree that Steve was the asshole here. Less because he doesn't get along with OP and more because of his attitude here- suddenly demanding that she needs to move out while having apparently never mentioned being unhappy with the situation to his wife judging by her reaction to it.

@@animeartist888 (please forgive me if I say something incorrect, it's been a while since I listened to the video XD) From what I remember, the way it was phrased made it sound like the husband had an active dislike and found hard to get along with the sister. Now, if you have a close bond with your sister, which in my experience aligns with having similar values and takes on life (I'm not saying it's the same thing of /loving/ you sister, sometimes you can love your relatives but realising, as you grow up, that you wouldn't get along as people because you truly see life differently, which doesn't sound like the case here), and you have a partner you are raising kids with, it seems extremely weird that these two adults cannot stand each other. Being besties? Not mandatory. Hanging out on their free time? Also not mandatory. Having a polite and friendly relationship that allows your kids to spend quality family time? To me, that's the basic. "Serial killers" was a hyperbole and maybe it was too much in this content, sorry 😂 but I meant serious issues, for example someone who is racist or homophobic etc. But again, back to my original thought: if you are a decent person, for example who's not homophobic, and you have a close bond with your sister, how the heck could she be married to someone homophobic? My thoughts on their situation are based on how their family dynamic is described. For instance, I have a cousin I really love, but we don't have a strong bond and I wouldn't involve him in my (hypothetical) kids' education, because he's part of a very conservative side of the family whose values couldn't be further from mine. He married a lovely girl, who shares his values, so as much as I love those relatives and I enjoy spending Christmas with them, we could never be friends. If I had a partner who snapped at my cousin or her wife for a homophobic comment, my partner would have my complete support - I tolerate them out of love, but I wouldn't force anyone else to do the same. But if me and my cousin were raised with the same values, and he would show up one day with a super bigoted wife, I'd be shocked and that would be really weird to me. So, basically, I just thought this wasn't the case in the story, it seems immature and bizarre that the husband, as an adult, would act in such a way that makes OP feel like he /never/ liked her. Unless they didn't mention some major reasons. I feel like I wrote too much 😂 I hope I didn't make my point even more confusing lol 🙏🏼 anyway, thanks for your comment, I see your point, I just wouldn't apply that to this specific scenario personally ☺️

No the way steve approached it he is definitely the AH, I would leave my husband if he treated my famiIy like trash when they need help instead of communicating kindly about what is bothering him

Agreed, that’s how i read “no plans” as well, though imo steve is probably the asshole because really weird reaction

General rule I've learned from talking with disabled people is that you only help when specifically asked to. Even the offer itself can feel a little patronizing, pointing out that you noticed something that the disabled person is struggling with and reminding them that you will not struggle with it the same way. I've felt this from the opposite side, being short all my life. If I ask you to help reach the thing on the high shelf, great. But if I haven't asked, I don't want you to just scoop it up for me like I'm not capable of finding a way to get it myself. It can get really irritating, especially when it happens often, and I definitely understand that frustrated snap reaction. At least you can be sure the intent is good. Your kids aren't trying to belittle you or make fun of your blindness (I hope?!), but just showing that they care by making sure you're safe.

Horrible examples, hair is a grooming thing not a hygiene, like not saving your legs or face. The father just doesn't know to groom his child's hair. Nothing alike not washing your teeth or cutting your nails.

@@anna.owo. Hair is like nails or teeth because if you don't take care of it there are negative quality of life issues like it getting in the kid's face or getting matted. It requires care and has negative consequences if not cared for and can be not fun for the kid to care for in certain ways. And it's temp since it'll grow back (and it also doesn't sound like the dad defaulted to a buzz cut)

@@vcutler4735 there's also issues like split ends and hair getting fragile if its not trimmed often enough. Long hair needs a lot of maintenance (especially curly hair) to make sure it stays hydrated etc. I don't know if I missed something but it seemed like the kid hadn't even had his hair trimmed at all.

@@awolters5827 this is a good point. The not even getting it trimmed was the vibe I got as well. Although that may just be because the kid is 3 so they might just be entering the "needs hair trims if not hair cuts" stage of life now. And going to the barber to keep semi-long (aka not buzzed) hair could be a good way to teach that grooming can be fun rather than a chore.

relatable!

🌶✨

2nd story - she is even working and helping out, so earning enough to move out sounds challenging? I struggle with executive dysfunction and being put under social pressure to stick to a specific plan tends to just sabotage my plan. While that’s maybe just a personality quirk of mine, I don’t think it’s uncommon for anxiety to cause procrastination and self-sabotage. Eg when I was living with my parents as a young adult after dropping out of uni, one of the things I requested from my mom was to rather not set a specific date for me to have to move out by. For context: my parents have a massive house and my dad was working overseas at the time so my mom was actually lonely living there all by herself as my brother had just moved out as well, and my mom was more than happy to have me around. My parents just thought that it might help motivate me to get started in my career if they were to apply some pressure, since they thought my executive dysfunction was due to being “spoiled” with the luxury of a reliable safety net. That was not the case at all and once I found a better treatment for my chronic illnesses and established better boundaries with my parents & moved out with my partner, I have been able to start doing more things. Perhaps I’m taking this too personally but having a deadline on healing is something nobody should have to endure. I think the sister probably understands that, and I think the husband is just putting his relationship problems onto a third party to make himself feel better about the potential future of his relationship after she moves out. Like tbh from the phrasing it sounds like “my wife doesn’t want to have sex and I think it’s because it’s awkward with you in the house, now this is all your fault”. But maybe I’m being cynical…

Additionally, there is the possibility of asking the question, "Do you want your hair short like your brother's, or did you want Daddy to use the hair trimmers on your head like he does for your brother?" and if the answer is that he wants Daddy to use the trimmer, send the request to the Mom, "[child] says that he likes long hair, but he also wants me to buzz his hair with the trimmer like I do for his brother. Would it be acceptable for me to buzz the bottom half so that he can have the experience he wants without giving up all his long hair?"