FRAME cannot be SHARED: a ship only has one captain 

In this episode, I respond to the most common critique of my conceptualization of frame as something that cannot be shared, namely: whether it's not possible for two people to create a mutually-constructed, egalitarian frame. Like socialism, this notion is associated with lofty ideals and noble sentiments, and -- like socialism -- it doesn't work like this in practice. I provide three reasons why this is the case. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-WrXBzQ2HDEQ.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ru-vid.com/show-UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #relationship #dating

The masculine frame will always be the best base for a relationship to function. What I’ve come to realize is that it doesn’t matter that women say they want to share equal frame, they are far more loyal to their emotions, than the actual relationship itself, which inherently puts the relationship on constant shaky grounds. It’s up to the man to set order and structure with the masculine around the feminine. That way, the feminine is less prone to being chaotic, with the trust that there’s a healthy masculine surrounding it.💯

Excellent, as usual. Describes my failed 20 year marriage. Once my feminist "equal partner" made more money than me, she perceived herself as oppressed by my "dependency", even though she got support (pausing my career/interests to raise the kids) to do her "dream job". I was sincerely happy for her success, she felt taken advantage of. The mindset of score-keeping that comes with "shared frame" egalitarianism is deadly to relationships. "Unequal", complementary roles is definitely the way to go, in my painfully-arrived-at opinion.

so true! many years ago, my father sat me down and had a talk with me about relationships when I was about to get maaried. He explained to the the 'ship can only have one Captain", etc. I disagreed with him at the time. As life went on, I learned I was wrong

Dating is like partnered dancing. You can only have one lead. You can't have both lead, and you also can't have both follow. Now, there are certainly times where a woman can take the lead, but it should always be temporary and out of love while a man re-centers himself and works to recreate a stronger frame.

This is like the rule of diminishing returns The more time one spends making a relationship functional, the less time one has for enjoyment of the relationship.

Here we go again. I agree with the Doc. I almost entered my soul mate’s frame: Her house, her city & state, near her kids and grandkids, and over 1,000 miles from my kids. I was to be the add-on to make her life complete-but I was paying the greatest price to make that happen. All the best intentions in the world can’t overcome the pull of gravity. No matter how hard we tried, nothing was going to change the fact that it was her frame. I didn’t really understand this at the time, but I just couldn’t go through with it-as much as I love her and want to be with her. As the Doc said, it might work in theory but not in practice. I wish it weren’t so, but it’s true.

I used to walk around the neighborhood and I always saw the same guy sitting in a lawn chair every evening, drinking a beer and watching his big screen TV in the garage. Sometimes his wife was in the garage with him. Sometimes she was watching a different TV in the house by herself. Everyone needs to have their own place to be captain some of the time.

Given that women tend to date hypergamously, e.g. they prefer older, wiser, more knowledgeable, more exciting, more interesting, more dominant, and more wealthier guys, it makes sense for the woman to step into his frame. Consequently, it is the job of the man to cultivate a frame so superior it is worth her while to leave her frame.

Great examples as always. Women say they want total equality, but we don't see total equality when it comes to divorce. We don't see many men divorcing female doctors and taking half, do we?

For a 21 year old guy in a 3 year relationship trying to fix the mistakes of my 18, 19, 20 year old self (mostly coming from allowing things to be how I know they ought not to be, eg sharing frame (failing to)), this channel is just about my only properly useful guide. Thank you.

Excellent video! It is so true that both will be tired of making sure things are "equal" in all aspects. When women openly admit they want a man more stable, more competent, more financially stable , and stronger than them, they must therefore concede to the logical importance of stepping into his frame than the other way around. With great power (captain of the 'relation'ship) comes great responsibility. The ugly truth is that women are far less likely to be responsible with that power, because they refuse to be held accountable the same way the man would be the other way around.

This is very important, I had an 11-year relationship trying to make this dynamic work, and it was like having an eternal roommate or a friends with benefits. This especially came true when decisions were trying to be made towards the end and I was really pushing asking questions on "where do we go from here, should we get married, should we had kids; I want to do XYZ, what do you want?" I should have known better when the whole relationship I was getting I don't knows and a lot of news on things that I actually wanted to do and wanted to push the issue on. She was trying to control frame and was not a good captain, didn't know what she wanted, I would've been miserable. 👍 learn to judge properly and make decisions boys, judge by actions and weigh the past and present along with if they learned and are a different person and live a good life. Don't try to change someone or wait forever and sacrifice your life. Choose wisely. One last thing! The sex was great and plentiful until we moved in together; look out for love bombing boys! If she helps you forget about arguments and to forgive her for BS by making you blow a few loads and isnt actually sorry and takes action to knock off the BS, look out for that! Or just enjoy it for what it is/was and get out! I'll spare the details here, but yea, sex is for sure a powerful tool especially when they have that subject dialed in and know what you like, look out for that!

Thank you, Orion. Men need to take notes here because this is where we construct a goal-oriented life. If we don't, our Frame will not only attract lower quality partners but puts us at risk of losing our purpose entirely.

Love this channel, I always find it odd how there are crucial things in life that we don't even consider giving a brief thought at, such as topics like these. Sounds nice to be co-captains. Does not work. Great content as always, sent a thanks and joined. Cheers!

100% true. My LTR started going down the drain when I stopped leading (because she stopped following). I should have called it quits right then and there but tried to save the relationship. Big mistake.

I have a philosophy with women. If a woman wants to be in my life fantastic. If she doesn't want to be in my life, that is fantastic as well.

Im 35 and now it really makes a lot of sense why my past relationships failed

In my experience, women either start by saying the want to be equals or quite a few even want a more traditional relationship where the man is the leader. But I also see that when the woman doesn’t get what she wants, as in the man didn’t decide the way she wanted, all of a sudden she goes from him being in charge to being equals or more likely her deciding she needs to be in charge because she feels she can’t trust his decisions. It’s not that he can’t make good decisions or lead, it’s that she wants her way no matter what.

Thanks Orion. The videos on frame are very useful. More videos helping men deal with the guilt and manipulation women use to keep you in their frame would be really helpful. I've realized women are not the Disney princesses society has perpetuated. But can be brutal uncaring resource gatherers and users of men. Unfortunately I have given away most of my adult life figuring that out. Thanks for what you do.

As someone who most likely to fit only in their own frame, I can extremely relate to this video. Had to always cut ties before even having them knotted because I am terrified to put myself in someone's frame and also too eager not to lock someone else in mine.

"talking about the relationship is probably one of the least interesting things you can do in a relationship".....says a man. Most women I think would disagree. They loooovvveee talking about the relationship. It's one of their favourite topics.

I really enjoyed this episode and can not wait until the next one. Also having gone through one of your older episodes I really benefited from the advice to stop doing the things that hurt you instead of starting new behaviors.

Thank God for content like this if you are a man under 35..the younger we learn this the better

I love the casual bashing on socialism, I respect you even more now

23 years old navigating a long distance relationship right now and we’re both in the military, so your videos have been super helpful.

So basically equality doesn't exist in relationships, in practice we have either Patriarchy or Matriarchy, in which usually Patriarchy works better.

Really enjoy this channel because of how eloquently and logically Dr. Taraban describes solutions that most would consider "politically incorrect" or "socially not-the-norm". Great talks Sir. Thank you.

"They dont come in half sizes" 🤣🤣

Orion’s favorite expression « all things being equal » 😂

I find this very interesting in regards to organisations and projects as I didn’t want to be the leader, director or frontman yet when I took the mantle and made suggestions to my mates, we started moving forward with out music, when I took the initiative on school projects we got things done and when I suggested goals to my mates, they actually got things done, enjoying themselves, because someone was in charge, someone had a frame and the frame was way more beneficial than trying to be egalitarian

I can’t tell if you have any female viewers/commenters but I would like to say I find your content super helpful! I’m a clinical therapist working with men who have been shattered by betrayal or who are caught in a “Catch 22.” I see just as many women who are in emotionally abusive relationships/marriages. It appears there has been little guidance at the onset of picking a partner. Most come from dysfunctional families, possibly some complex trauma, and are just repeating patterns and ignoring red flags. People need education on how to find a quality partner and not let their emotions and libido override their rational thinking. Love is not enough! There has to be respect, humility, and honest and effective communication… characteristics that seem to be dwindling in our culture.

Great food for thoughts! Here's what I think. In your models, people benefit from what they get, not what they give. However, in reality there is happiness in both: sometimes I give, sometimes I get, and I appreciate the variety of experience. Also, everyone has several frames, several identities. The best relationships are those where each person can keep as many frames as possible from their previous single life. Exploring each other's frames is fun.

This man is so smart. I am always so impressed!

Three words perfectly describe the problem with the relationship I've just gotten out of. Amazing work.

You're the only one who creates your reality. There is no point in compromising without causing resentment....

@psychacks Thank you, Dr. Orion. I'm very grateful for this channel. It is shifting my thinking.

This channel is so important, like a father very few of my Gen Z had. My Pastor started a training course for married men because of the absolutely terrible crisis going on, this guy goes pretty much along the same things in the course, it’s called the family captain.

100% correct again. Relationships are always unequal, or lopsided (adored Vs adorer, from a prior video). And as you've said, people change in time. What was agreeable once, may not be agreeable 4 years down the road. So, even if each party drops their current frame to co-create a mutually created new frame, it very likely will not work, just ask divorce lawyers and your local municipal court. Consider unequal incomes. Another great video.

Wish I had access to perspective like this 20 years ago

Fully agree both with this follow up and the original video about the concept of frame. I have personally been in both types of relationships. In my experience, things were possible and good in the “man frame” and led to complete dysfunction when I was pushed to be in the woman’s frame.

Such insightful information! @7:32 Today is daylight savings, so I guess the universe wanted me to watch this video. Thank you for making this! 🔥🔥

Greatings from Poland, you are doing a great job with that knowledge sharing. All the best!

Great informative video as per usual. For people who are uncertain on who the captain is in their relationships, it might be an idea for a future video to create a questionnaire?

I like your dry humor. Very funny!

There one girl who used to come to my work and she was always bitter toward men and the one phrase she used to always repeat over and over is "No man is going to be the star of MY show. In MY life, you play the background!!!" Needless to say, it's been over 10 years and she has yet to find a man that is willing to step into her frame. Her constant combativeness has rendered her undateable & she still can't figure out why.

Orion, you're doing a great job of constructing a framework that helps navigating the relationship world. thanks for doing so!

Nice episode!

The fact that Doc has to teach this shows how neutered western men have become. I can’t phantom my father quitting his job so my mother could take her dream job in another city. RIP Daddy.

eg. Don't ask your wife where do you want to eat tonight and spend 10 minutes going back & forth. Just (you, the man) pick a place and go.

Couldn’t agree more. A standard I believe whole heartedly. The masculine frame should always be the go to.

Díky!

Those artworks in your thumbnail are great.

Mind-blowing analogies😮!!! 'Pilot and co-pilot'. You are an intelligent being. Where did you learn all these?

One observation I have seen is that u often have to take risky decision in life and also own responsibility when things go wrong. Women oftenly shy away from taking blames. Hence a big problem.

I’m a happily married father and husband. I’d say that a working household requires compromise. A great relationship and household kind of works like a company. You have shareholders who own the assets. You have an executive team who run things. You have team who implement. And stakeholders who benefit or are impacted. A great company is rarely an authoritarian CEO who makes all decisions and then has everyone do their bidding. Exec teams discuss and solve things together. Ultimately the CEO has to make some tough calls occasionally but the majority of the time, the CMO makes marketing decisions, the CFO makes finance decisions the COO runs the day to day and the CEO is doing big deals and setting the direction of travel (with the team enrolled). In a family the couple are the shareholder (often 50:50) and one is the CEO and the other is the COO. They have support structures and the kids are the team and stakeholders. To me this model of thinking works best.

The frame that controls the direction of the relationship is always the most restrictive, even if the benefits seem to go towards the partner who isn't setting the frame. A trophy wife is restricted to playing that role even if she seems to be the major beneficiary.

Thanks!

Exactly, polarity is not to be confused, only complimented

Thanks

I have a true story that resonates with what you're saying about constant frame-balancing, around @6:00. My late wife's parents had 5 kids, and in order to be fair at Christmas, they made sure the gifts were fair. So if the budget was $30, and a kid got a gift for $25.93, there would be an envelope for $4.07 along with the gift. This didn't work all that well, though. Because sometimes one kid would get a cheap-but-large gift (like a beach ball), and another would get an expensive-buit-small gift (like jewelry). So there would be jealously. And kids often mistake a gift's size for its value. My point is: trying to make everything perfectly fair and even is ridiculous.

Nothing exists outside of a hierarchy. Everything has a weight and value.

the day light savings example was perfect for the effects of changing frame

This started to rear its' head, the MOMENT I moved into a new house.....she (who didn't put up a single dime in the purchase), was upset that I didn't let her choose which bedroom was hers.

Do yall remember the growing pains as a kid? This is like that; You cant be mad that the trial is made of fire. It is what it is.

“Egalitarian frame” must have come from a woman, lol. Which means that by accepting this as a concession, you’d be entering into the feminine frame… aka you’d be in your wife’s frame.

'I make the big decisions, she makes the small decisions.' 'So how's that working out?' 'I don't know. So far, there have only been small decisions.'

Captain and co-pilot was a good analogy.

Great Video

Great content and I appreciate these follow-up type type videos

top tier video as always

I wish these channels existed back in 2012 lol such amazing information

You can each lead in different areas. You don't need one person to lead at everything.

I love this kind of content

You change the clock one hour two times per year not one. Otherwise another spot on video Orion!!!!

Danke!

I agree with this for the most part, but the problem is this if you dominate the relationship too much, it breeds resentment.... you have to compromise to some degree, otherwise that person is not going to be invested into the relationship. If your doing everything you want to do as a man, she's not doing anything that she wants and is just going along with it... eventually she is going to resent you, and she is not going to give af about the relationship... she could turn this against you and start using you. Good leaders compromise to some degree, for their best employees.

The best, most common sense explanation of frame and why it should be the mans

For all parts of responsibilities we decided who the captain is. For example I never organized our financal things. I asked for things, and was told how much I can spend. Now, it is akward that we devided financially, and I must deal with money, but I don't spend more, just maybe on cloths, but it is a changing in style, not permanent.

When she moves in, can I let her redecorate without objection or is that me failing to hold frame?

Two frames 1. Peacetime frame= anyone can be anything or be in any frame. 2. Wartime frame=assume “traditional”gender roles. Men fight and die, and women raise kids.

I am learning a lot. Thank you, Mr. Taraban. I have a question. Can we have a video regarding women cheating / being unfaithful in an exclusive relationship e.g. What are the signs? Why she does it?

This has been very enlightening. It makes sense why women never wanted to date me: when I'm honest with myself, I just don't want anyone else in my frame. Building a life for myself was already far too hard. Making accommodations to turn my frame into a two-seater would have been exhausting and inauthentic And there are no women who would ever want to share my authentic life. "Hey want to watch me work on a video game engine and then walk around for 3 hours thinking about neural networks and semiotics before we turn in and watch some TV shows that you will absolutely hate? Ahoy, sexy" 🚢

Orion is the captain of this channel and we’re all the passengers.

Question is - how much leverage should one get so the other lives in his frame? Seems like tons of leverage is needed in '23's standards....

I love your content, and I think that even more people would benefit from it if you chose a simpler language. I know talking this way may seem to present your point most exactly but it actually just makes it seem more complicated.

There’s no such thing as egalitarian. At least in the way many perceive it to mean. There is only STRIVING for egalitarianism… which often leads to the opposite result of the intention, if a RESULT is the goal. This is why our Founding Fathers structured our country the way they did. Because it’s the MOST SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT at egalitarianism. Same goes for Capitalism. The egalitarianism inherent in capitalism is: everyone is free to work as hard as they want, or not. Egalitarianism is: equal opportunity.

I think this is a powerful concept, but I used to refer to it as "compatibility". What I guess I mean by that is if two people are highly compatible, to the point where they have very similar frames, then the person who "yields authority" will generally be happy to do so, especially if it results in the more competent person in charge of constructing the frame. In some ways it is similar to the captain of a sports team. When the coach makes his own son captain, that seldom works well. But when the selected captain is the natural leader of the team due to competence and respect, such that if there were a vote that person would most likely be the choice, then it works well. Or as my dad used to put it: "Dance with the girls who like you."

"The next day, LIKE CLOCKWORK.. pun intended.."

It`s called A SHARED VISION.

Hi, I would love to get your thoughts on Jada Smith 😂

Relation “ships” are exactly that. You set sail into the unknown together and there can only be one captain & one first mate. The choice is yours.

Having recently had a stroke and finding my ability to be independent severely limited I am in fear of losing my relationship as I am just dead weight. It’s just a matter of time until I am cast adrift because I have limited value.

Word 🧘🙏

It is the height of sanity to recognize as reality that as humans age as they grow and mature over time they " should" arguably change. Change is necessary in healthy individuals as they mature. Conversation about the healthy and changing nature of any given relationship is also necessary to ensure a couple continues to grow in ways that are amenable and meaningful to both parties in a relationship. Furthermore, if things/changes seem to slow the growth of either party in a couple this seems easily and rightfully part of the cost of the relationship?? It's seems to me always good to have someone around who knows you and whom you trust to tell you the sometimes unvarnished truth about yourself so that I do not delude myself in to believing something that is not true about myself.

In poker, the rule is that if you can’t work out who the fish is, you are the fish. Similarly in relationships, if you can’t work out whose frame you are operating in, it’s the other person’s frame.

I'm really favoured, $50k per week! I can now give back to the local community and also support the lord’s work and the church. ❤️❤️❤️

Yes, but in your theory, the one who lives inside the others frame, have more power. Or not?

Agree with most of your points, however airplane's pilot and co pilot actually do switch responsibilities halfway in the flight. Those positions are called pilot monitoring and pilot flying.

I think the concept of compromise is not an equal share of the results of each decision point, it is one of whose frame within each major life decision is made. Usually, one or the other becomes frame-dominant, leading to the traditional or the modern (ugh) gender roles and/or the dissolution of the relationship.