Friendship Advice Wanted: Unreciprocated Initiating

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In this video series Shasta Nelson is answering questions submitted by women seeking friendship advice. In this video, Shasta answers the question: “How much is too much when initiating get-togethers?” But her answer could be helpful to anyone who worries about over-initiating and seeming desperate or who might be under-initiating because of fear.
Shasta Nelson, M.Div., speaks across the country for organizations and companies that want their people to develop better relationships and is a frequent contributor to the media appearing on TV shows such as Katie Couric and The Today Show, and in countless magazines and newspapers including The New York Times, Good Housekeeping, Health, and Forbes. She is also the author of two books: Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness and Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends and is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, her tribe of women committed to creating more friendship in this world.
For more resources:
1) Shasta’s book Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness: www.amazon.com/Frientimacy-De...
2) Join GirlFriendCircles.com (women only): www.girlfriendcircles.com/
3) Ask for advice on your friendship issue: www.shastanelson.com/friendsh...

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Опубликовано:

25 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 54

@EmunahFL 3 года назад

*Stop calling and texting. See how many **_dead plants_** you've been watering.*

@w-z198 2 года назад

I love this metaphor 👌

@diane358 Год назад

Love that!

@kristimartinez7528 Год назад

Ugh..way too many

@joylynch5204 Год назад

Love this metaphor

@jammyjay917 Год назад

Loads.....

@ramonaseay815 Год назад

I've reached a point in my life that I'm not interested in constantly initiating get togethers with people who aren't reciprocating. My time is just as valuable as theirs.

@kristimartinez7528 Год назад

Well said 👍

@bw5277 2 месяца назад

i've done the same...yes your time is probably more valuable than theirs

@Eg-jd9zt 4 года назад

In my experience if it starts off that way it’ll always be you chasing the person. Not worth it and ends in resentment.

@alexzandra-fallonallen317 3 года назад

Right but if for years you always reach out and plan everything especially if you put a lot of effort into your planning, you almost feel unappreciated because they never do anything first or put effort into what they do. It kind of eats at your self-worth.

@kristimartinez7528 5 месяцев назад

Exactly 😢

@mar8888 3 месяца назад

AGREED!

@radiantchristina Год назад

3 times is stalker territory 😂 . twice is the max for me-- the initial invite and a follow up. If someone is not interested at that point , I drop it.

@bzmudaifyd 3 года назад

“I know you’re busy, but I’m wondering why you can’t take 10 seconds to respond to my texts” I have no time for ghosting or needing to reach out all the time. Every time I’ve been direct or non direct, nice, or honest to a fault it doesn’t work and I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. My. Whole. Life. Honestly I think I’m just aspie and don’t “get” others or they don’t “get” me.

@EmunahFL 3 года назад

I can relate. No idea what it is about me that makes people want to treat me like shit, like I'm not good enough, unworthy, unvalued, and I always get stuck being the initiator. *NO MORE!* Lately, I find myself putting in as much effort as they do, and if they're consistent, I will be, too; however, if they put little or no effort, then I match it. I'd rather be friendless than to have a bunch of fake, fair weather 'friends'.

@silverliningfragrance1434 2 года назад

I'm sorry but my experience tells me that when it's not reciprocated / both sided it's not going to work. Sometimes people don't want our friendship and we need to just accept it. It's not fun to be on the side that don't want to be friends espically if the other side keeps trying. It's also true with people that used to be our friends and now we don't talk to anymore. It's harsh but we need to accept it for our own self image. Giving more to someone that doesn't want it won't change anything, just hurt us. 🧡🧡

@atsuyak768 4 года назад

but don't we get to have self respect for ourselves? Like I have boundaries and I expect my friends to value me too and not be forced to always be the one that reaches out all the time

@Indigo_newness 4 года назад

Agreed... I had a friend where I always organised something... I thought I'd test her to see how long it took for her to contact me and get together well it's been 8 years now ha ha I laugh about it know... People show you how important you are to them when they don't contact you for quite awhile.... I'm not into that....

@atsuyak768 4 года назад

@@Indigo_newness yeah. My friend cut me off for a year then suddenly wished me happy bday a month late. It was so strange. And when I tried to talk further he just pushed me away again?

@ch3ckm8 3 года назад

It is tough. Thats why I have a lot of admiration for people who initiate. It's a lot of work and you put yourself vulnerable for rejection

@ericalexanderson3442 2 года назад

There are limits for sure and you need to take yourself into account. For me, I’ve realized that it’s good that the people I have in my life are busy actually. There is always something to talk about when we finally do meet up again.

@kathyshore1004 10 месяцев назад

I agree!

@kathyshore1004 10 месяцев назад

People make time for the things that are important to them. I don't mind initiating contact, but if it's NEVER reciprocal, obviously the friendship doesn't mean as much to them as it does to me. It needs to be a two way street - at least part of the time.

@vernaharris4700 2 года назад

Relationships are more fulfilling when you learn how to be alone with yourself.

@joylynch5204 Год назад

Well -put

@ch3ckm8 3 года назад

This is hard. Especially when you're the one initiating in a group and then they leave you out

@MsActor2009 3 года назад

Making someone feel thought of is lovely!

@pluck_me Месяц назад

I realized all my friends are the same. the realization I was tired initiating. so I dropped all of them. I was sad until I told myself that I'm not missing out on anything. that really helped in walking away for good

@joanracey1736 4 месяца назад

Thank you so much for this video. It hits me right where I’m at and the advice and perspective is so helpful.

@BloomByCC 2 года назад

Absolutely love how gentle you are about this.

@ch3ckm8 3 года назад

Most videos about this subject say to just move on and find other friends. I like your approach. This is something I would appreciate someone else to do for me. Giving up on our friendship and getting replaced is the worst feeling.

@mayleung5645 Год назад

As an introvert I like being alone most of the time. However I’d love to meet up wit certain friends from time to time. Sadly I found out that I always initiate the date but those friends almost never initiate things with me. They do hang out together and left me out, I feel bad…. :(

@joylynch5204 Год назад

I’m so sorry

@shavawnekelly8376 3 года назад

Thank you for this!

@vernaharris4700 2 года назад

If friendship is so important, we should teach it in school. So many people are so poor at it.

@hanee8049 5 месяцев назад

I am so grateful i found your videos. Everybody else's advise is to feel hurt and put the priendship on a back burner. Thank you!

@aviator1787 3 года назад

“bring it up...” yes! we tend to feel like we are not allowed to say what’s on our minds. but it can surprisingly put people at ease.“this might be awkward, but sometimes i worry about...” or “i hope i’m not overdoing it, you’d tell me if i was, right?...” or “gosh, i don’t know what to say right now, don’t know why i feel shy all of a sudden...” people sometimes respond well to that realness, maybe because it is rare and refreshing.

@kristimartinez7528 5 месяцев назад

In my experience, they get really defensive and say that they're hurt because I brought it up or they accuse you of being clingy or make you think it's in your head..ugh. If they do apologize, they do not change or maybe just change one time. It's a dead end

@hopem.9979 3 года назад

I will keep initiating and reaching out.

@Tanya-ov4ts 5 лет назад

Thanks Shasta! :)

@user-nn7mn9xu4v 5 лет назад

what if yoou invite freinds for dinner and they dont show up you left with the all the food you work so hard for,,, and when you send a massage to say that your waiting and still no replay then when they answer they start telling you how they are in a bad mood and they coldnt answer the phone ii say i realy disaointed now you become the bad guyor girl i dont think that freindship can be in any price that you need to chaise them and its not just about the ego 💛

@ericalexanderson3442 2 года назад

Yes I agree that if the relationship matters sometimes that’s just how it goes. It have “ghosted” people in the past in hopes they would notice but it never really worked in my favor so don’t do that 😂

@Lee82295 3 года назад

Can you make a video (or respond to this) about why a friend would suddenly stop liking or commenting on your Facebook posts? I have this friend who always used to like & comment constantly & about 5 months ago has stopped. I asked them if they are able to see my posts & they said yes. They said they're able to see them & thought that they had been liking & commenting but they haven't. How do I handle this? Feel like my friend lied to me twice & possibly unfollowed (not unfriended) me. I know I shouldn't let this get to me & I wouldn't be worried but this is out of character for them to act this way. What should I do? Thanks for any advice.

@MrBluedanube 2 года назад

Do you ever comment on or like their posts? It could be a case where they feel like they always comment on yours but you never like or comment on theirs.

@jammyjay917 Год назад

Fed up of always intitating to most people.... It's when they don't reply AND they don't initiate....