My husband has bipolar disorder and we do similar things. His idea. As soon as he gets paid, he sends me every dollar besides what he needs for gas etc. Sometimes things happen and he has no money so he gets me to transfer just enough for whatever he needs (he does keep his card). It’s just what works for us. I’m very proud of him for recognizing his own weaknesses in himself. I never would have suggested we do our finances this way but it definitely gives us both security and peace of mind. He might go into a mania a blow a paycheque, but he’ll never blow us into financial ruin because HE blocked that.
My wife has bipolar and her and I do the exact same thing. She's had to declare bankruptcy twice now, and there was just a breaking point where we had to figure something out. I would rather her text me at 10pm needing some money over her blowing it all in 5 seconds
This has been revelatory. A lightbulb went off . My procrastination and avoidance of taking proactive responsibility is related to having zero power as a child. I have been pushing back against what feels like authority my whole life. I feel like a self-imposed weight is starting to lift. This one really hit home for me. Thank you!
I notice I seek it in jobs that control then I try to be an advocate anywhere I go because I didn't have a voice when I was younger I was always gas lit or told I was wrong.
Great, now grow up and move past it and don't use it as an excuse for your abhorrent behavior like this awful woman. By the way, NO ONE had any power as a child! That is a defining characteristic of children - being powerless.
Me too man my dad has been a bad critic of my brother and I our whole lives to this day we are now 25 and 27 still treated the same way anything we peruse is “not gonna work” “a stupid idea” … any idea big or small life changing or minuscule is ridiculed feel the same way under constant authority and it’s held me back in life big time I’ve only gotten to realize this over the past two years
Because her health problems are making her untrustworthy, husband needs to put her on an allowance and take all financial responsibilities from her. Very sad.
@@adayah6772 I agree with Herbielina. Doesn't matter if it's financial slavery or not. I am a woman and I feel if *any* spouse does this, regardless of the reason, they need to be put on an allowance. And if you KNOW you have this problem and cannot control yourself, if your marriage is important to you, then you should be willing to do it. I, myself would, if it was my problem. But if I was married to someone like this, you'd best believe I'd be in charge of the household finances, or divorce....no excuses, because you are not going to drive me into a state of homelessness. Esepcially when you already KNOW you have the problem. Sorry...NOT sorry.
@@adayah6772well she was essentially stealing from the family so too bad! Actions have consequences, and this is you lose access to financial independence because you’re not trustworthy
@@adayah6772 Oh no! Financial slavery! You know what else is financial slavery? A spouse putting their spouse in a position where they have to extend their retirement by 10 years due to terrible decisions. Or lose their house, or risk being homeless. Or basically give up all future goals and plans.
Run bro, RUN! 3 times before? She’s gonna do it again. Don’t give her the chance to pit you in the poor house. My ex had the same red flags and I stayed until I found out she didn’t pay our taxes. You can’t screw with the IRS and now im biting the bullet just to be done with her. I’ll just say it’s the price of a fully loaded 2024 Chevy Tahoe.
that's what he's doing alongwith giving her solutions. Usually when people say that they mean "let's shame and degrade her further into her mental illness till she gives up on life" You just lose lives this way. You don't heal anyone. Its the biggest hoax ever. So what do you mean by holding people responsible? people need to clarify that first.
I totally understand her husband doesn’t want debt, but a tumor on her pituitary gland will cause involuntary behavioral changes/disorders. The responsible thing to do is for the husband to control all their money. She obviously feels bad and likely can’t help herself.
It is very likely that the two tumors located near or in her limbic system and her diencephalon are the greatest contributor to her behavior. Since she wants to improve but hasn’t, this is a very strong sign supporting that she has less control over her behavior. The limbic system controls emotions and behavior and emotions related to our perception of danger. Patients with one small tumor can have changed behavior but this patient has two! I would start in her brain before any additional therapy.
@@SarahConnor562 We are by no means getting a full history here. We don’t know all of the thoughts and behaviors of this person. It’s possible that in early stages of these tumors that you could notice subtle behavioral changes or see none at all. I think top priority here should be tumor resolution and there should be very little emphasis on treating behavior until tumors are appropriately treated.
I'd believe her if she had set an appointment with a psychiatrist instead of calling Dr. John. One time is a mistake, the second is a relapse the third is a pattern. She needs to stop feeling sorry herself and seek medical help, those empty promises to Dr.Delony won't get her anywhere.
These commenters have zero understanding of traumatic experiences and toxic stress effects on the brain. Let alone tumours. To just say its a pattern and stop feeling sorry for yourself…. She was abused all her childhood, self destructive and impulsive behaviour are symptoms. Stop passing judgement and raise your consciousness. Start to have appreciation if you had a healthy childhood, lots of people do not.
@@firefly9838symptoms of ADHD are impulsivity, self destructive behaviours and low self esteem. Her psychology and consciousness were deeply affected by child abuse. Its sad that its not common knowledge in society what child abuse does to the person as teens and adults. Toxic levels of shame and guilt, hating themselves, using addictions to soothe the emotional pain of feeling worthless or unlovable. Next time you see a homeless person, try to understand that person has been abused repeatedly throughout their life. Never had loving, nurturing parents. Was most likely beaten or raped repeatedly. Just saying its a character issue shows zero awareness.
@@calmtea5369 and that's why she should stop feeling for herself and seek medical help. Adults should not use trauma or health conditions to just justify their trashy ways and poor character. She's not in treatment She's calling Dr. Delony who cannot give her the tools she needs for a long lasting change. Time to ✋️ using those things as a crutch, she needs to seek help, and the facted that she tries to find excuses is just hufffff.
@@firefly9838 this woman has brain tumors of course she needs medical help, she needs to be provided with tools to control her impulses and don't like that's she's out here making excuses for her behavior though.
My wife did this to me twice. First time I shouldered some of it for being willfully ignorant. Second time I lost and and said we’re done if there is a third. She got the message and now I have a very savvy wife with money and there is never spending without consultation or notification. Communication was the fix, constant communication.
The comments are nuts. She's sick and has a shopping addiction, she needs to get rid of all credit cards and have her husband take care of the household finances, while giving her an allowance that she can use only for herself and practice budgeting, not to have her husband leave her. It has nothing to do with cheating. The insensitivity in these comments is wild.
At what point should you leave? When she has lost everything you’ve worked hard for? Because she will leave your broke ass and find another chumps money to lose if you’re now broke. She is on her last strike, she does it again he must leave!
And there is nothing stopping her from getting more. Plus, if he does that and then she decides to divorce him, she'll claim "financial abuse" and it is an absolute guarantee that the judge will side with her completely, destroying the rest of the man's life.
Ouch. Finances for couples are hard. I see many that do things completely separate and others that just one person is responsible and guides everything. Gotta do what works for you, helps when you recognize the problem. She needs a cash allowance, no credit card.
My wife and I have been married 3 years and havent consolidated our finances. When she needs something she cant afford, i provide it. Its worked well so far but my wife is more traditional than most women these days.
@@williamhermann6635 it's best when people recognize their faults and know who is best at what in the relationship. Those are the ones that usually last. My dad was a hard working workaholic but neither parents were very good with the budget, I took it at 16 and did better with their money. 🤷🏻♀️ They trusted me, I didn't let them down. We all do better now because of it.
@@williamhermann6635who pays the rent/mortgage or car payment.. Every red cent made goes into the same account. All bills paid come out of it. Mine is his and vice versa
I just divorced a man who financially abused me for years. IMO, continuing to deal with a spouse like this will destroy the faithful spouse. Her husband needs to save himself. It should’ve never happened the first time, let alone the second and third.
@@gemintherough555 Faithful has a defined meaning. We have stretched it with emotional affar and financial infidelity. Our definition of abuse or family violence now includes controlling behavior but the term financial abuse also gets over-used.
@@JudePi-jx7yo I agree. People need to stop calling things, something that they’re not. Being married to someone who’s a bit of a jerk, and is undisciplined or selfish with money is NOT the same thing as being ‘abused’. And it’s such a slap in the face to actual victims of abuse that the term has been so grossly diluted, to include any behaviour just about, that you don’t like 🙄 Of course abusers will wield finances as a weapon to control - but I’ve seen girls trying to frame their boyfriends/husbands as abusive or controlling for trying to get them to curb their fashion spending. It’s such a joke.
Speaking as a clinician myself, Dr John is right is considering her physical health disorder possibly affecting her decision making. Especially pituitary disorders can cause psychiatric imbalances which can affect decision making, depression, personality changes etc. I would advice the caller to speak with her Consultant Dr about this as she may actually need medication if not on any or other intervention.
I feel certain that was her manipulation style and voice. Aka "acting." If you've ever known someone like this in your life, I guess it's impossible to not recognize it when you see or hear it anywhere. Glad I'm not the only one who Heard it.
Success is setting yourself up to avoid having to regulate yourself. In this case, an agreement to have the partner manage the money and cancel all credit cards in her name is the self-care thing to do. She's in control, of those choices. Choose guardrails over willpower. Works so much better.....
Her husband should be understanding and take over the money and finances. He should give her an allowance or money every week that she can spin. She has enough to worry about having two brain tumors. My prayers are with her.
maybe pray for the husband too, you know, cause she has cheated on him 3 times, love how you gloss over that and go straight to forgiving her of all her sins.
Some things came to mind hearing this story. The husband needs to leave if he doesn’t want to go down a financial spiral. Also, I’m wondering if she has undiagnosed bipolar disorder because impulsive money spending is linked to it. Either way she needs to get help to not overspend the way she is.
Well , she clearly has some physical and psychological issues that needs treatment . Till that happens it’s better she voluntarily lets the husband be the only one with access to that kind of money.
So many women in the comments talking about “forgiveness” and “grace” within a marriage. Funny how I NEVER see comments like this when the man has cheated.
All the men do though 😂😂 They demand forgiveness and grace within a marriage if a man cheats But if the wife CHEATS or has financial issues the MEN SAY run away from that cheating scumbag gold digger 😂 It goes both ways my guy
@@barbarella.artist The closest to that that exists in the comments is *some* men saying "if the wife refuses to have sex (long-term), she can't expect him to not meet that need elsewhere". They are wrong, as marriage vows absolutely exclude sex outside of marriage, as well as intentionally withholding sex, but comments from men that disregard adultery are rare, at least in Dr. J comment sections.
@@marcushoward6560 I’ve seen plenty of them 😂😂 you just aren’t paying attention I agree is not okay on either side .. just pointing out the inconsistency in your comment - that a lot more men tend to have the attitude that men are allowed to sleep around - but women are absolutely not And also I see waaaayyy more women saying to leave her 😂 in this exact comment thread - seems you have selective vision
@@barbarella.artist It sounds like you're referring to more than just Dr. J comments, which is what I was referring to. You would be partially correct, in that I do not pay much attention to most modern media - it's garbage. I have seen a guest on the Whatever Podcast and even Pearl, herself, say that nonsense about it being okay for men to whore around, but they have been in a very small minority. The majority of people, men and women, seem to think it is okay for everyone to whore around. It's repulsive. Additionally, I didn't even realize it the first time I read it, but your response sounds like you're claiming *I* said it was okay for men to sleep around but not for women. To be clear, if you made the mistake of thinking otherwise, I absolutely did not say that. Sex is a marital right between a husband and wife. Just because it *can* be done outside of marriage, doesn't mean it *should* be. As for the comment section of this particular video, you are correct, and I too noticed that there were far more women than expected, advising the man to leave. While that does happen on other videos as well, it is *EXCEPTIONALLY* uncommon. The real issue, is your trying to expand the boundaries of the conversation to justify what you say and disregard what I say. Whether it is unintentional or not, I cannot say.
In regards to what @SarahG16925 said; I was married to a man that did this for the whole 38 years we were together. He would look me straight in the eye and say that it was the last time and later in the day he would go out and spend and then say he didnt remember our previous conversation. I had to divorce him at age 60 to prevent bankrupcy for my future. I thought he was going senile, but he figured out how to seperate his income from the joint account and openning his own. I think that is interesting, John, that you mentioned problems with authority......He has always had a problem with authority. I wish HE would have been the one calling in. He was never sorry; just sorry he got caught!!!!!!!!!! He spent his entire inheiritance, and now he is homeless; living between hospital and nursing home because he refused to work with anyone to handle his finances and his house became a mouse-infested squalor pit that should have been condemned. So, lady, please be humble to listen and make changes. you do not want to become my X!!!!!!!!!!
Appreciate you Dr John for how much grace you showed the caller, its nearly impossible to determine if people like the caller use reasons like that as crutches vs if they're genuinely affected by physiological maladies. Hope the caller, if she actually has this ailment, gets the help she needs, or that she'd get the proper rebuke and something clicks internally if it's BS
@@daviddegea3373not true, he held the lady who got pissed at her husband for getting a vasectomy after 6 kids accountable and he was super straightforward with her and her selfishness.
@@daviddegea3373tumors are a valud exvyse if she cant control her behavior because of it. Dont be a bot. This situation has more nuance because of her tumors.
The husband needs to walk away. She’s selfish and doesn’t think about anyone but herself & has too many excuses. If you’re having health issues then u should be saving more than ever. A third time is ridiculous
This is why spouses need to keep their finances separate, but the Ramsey folks act like that’s a cardinal sin. In this case the husband should consider leaving her.
I had to deal with this. My ex was destroying us financially. I slowly had to take away his power when it came to money but then I just felt like I was babysitting him and it also just made him sneaky. I had enough. My new husband of 6 years and I are well established and we both felt no need to mix our finances. We still have the mentality that Mine is his and his is mine. We are not dwelling on the household finances all the time. Also it’s easier to surprise each other with gifts.
Whenever you hear the Shakey voice and the coping mechanism talk and my mental health and so on you're like oh hear we go another person who gets away with manipulation by weaponizing other people's sympathy.....
The brain stuff is legit. When you have a tumor the brain pathways that allow for complex thinking, problem solving, and thinking ahead about the future and possibly consequences to your actions gets compromised. The reason children are children is because their brains haven't developed to have these neuro networks that allow one to make mature adult choices consistency. So yes, when you have a tumor all of that gets screwed up and those pathways are compromised. She should probably get an allowance and have her husband manage access to money so there's not this vulnerability that's beyond her ability to navigate right now.
I don't understand how the husband ever trusted her with money again. He should be in charge of ALL finances, take away her credit cards, etc. He needs to pay all the bills, etc...Her paycheck needs to be deposited and can't have access to the bank accounts..... I would give her a cash allowance & that's it. She can't be trusted with money. Period.
I remember my father in law behaving erratic with money which was very unusual for him. Later it was discovered he had a brain tumor malign and few months later passed away.
She has brain tumor, you are married for better for worse. This mentality is why nothing works since no one wants put in the work. You divorce the once marry another one with another issue. You are not perfect no one is perfect
The husband put in the work already, this is her third time. Worse doesn’t mean allowing your spouse to abuse you. Financial abuse is real. He needs to leave her.
@@gemintherough555two sides to every story. Sure, she is over-spending and that is awful. 15k is HUGE!! But we do!mr know what is up with the husband. Is he cheating on her, is he emotionally abusive. We don’t know. She needs counseling, and they both need counseling in My opinion as a married person of almost 20 years.
I hate when people tell me what to do, it's a fight response but it depends on how you say it to me... Idk where it comes from... Actually yea, my dad. And I do see beer as a gift I deserve a beer. That's why I am an alcoholic...
I have Bipolar and I once boat a boat, motor and trailer after going to the Toronto boat show for fishing lures. I do manage our money but I'm on medication, exercise, sleep and Psychiatric therapy. If , my spouse was destructive with the finaces I would remove them from that care for { 2 years } as they recieved therapy and then monitor the money for 5 years to keep them regulated.
She's no baby, she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. Her health issues have nothing to do with her over spending behind her husband's back. She can't be trusted and her husband has given her enough chances. He should get out of this marriage as fast as he can!
Reckless, impulsive, self-destructive behavior are also symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. She doesn't need a brick, she needs to see a psychiatrist to diagnose her, or rule out BPD, so she can get to the cause before she loses her marriage.
A brain tumor can literally cut off the networks in your brain that we call "maturity." Like an old person in cognitive decline that can't think straight and make logical choices.
All these people saying she’s not genuine or not taking accountability have obviously not dealt with this kind of dilemma. Her reaching out for help is a sign that she’s fed up. This is hard.
Megan, I did not make this comment to be mean to you. Just be serious, because it IS serious. My X refused to make changes. I want you to be able to overcome this! You already feel bad enough, I didnt want you to feel like I was kicking you when you were down!
She needs to be held accountable for sure. Brain tumors even when benign are no joke. It changes everything of how you function. If that's the case, she should get cash for the month and when it's gone it's gone. We do not own credit cards for this reason.
I am a female......... and honestly my advice to that guy is to LEAVE HER. Dont give her anything anymore, not even time, I would get a lawyer, and evict her if she isn't on the lease, or move out myself. She's damage goods and toxic. Selfish, Dr John went to easy on her. He always go easy on women and it's not fair.
I’m 2 min in and she’s full of excuses. She seems to not want to take accountability, and honestly I think using the excuse of “having privileges taken away as a child” as a reason behind lying to her husband is a wild diversion to me. The brain tumours make sense and she should have communicated her struggles and have her husband manage the finances. It just seems that she made bad choices and can’t accept responsibility.
This guy is unbelievable. He leads the caller into excuses. Never held a woman accountable yet. I can only make it too “ were your parents insanely strict”😂😂😂
@ TheRandian I am a woman and I absolutely agree with you. During the call, I was like What??? All I heard was excuse after excuse. I'm sorry but if she was THAT MUCH willing to save her husband from financial heartbreak, then she would have told him to be in charge of the finances for their household overall. If I had that problem, I would have gladly volunteered a reasonable limit for monthly spending even just to save our marriage. She does not sound genuine about changing to me. I sympathisize with her brain tumor, but after the first $15,000.00 then the second huge money spending, then the third...I'm sorry but as a spouse, my patience would have run out. If you somehow become handicapped, or something happens and you cannot work, I will work 4 jobs if I have to, to take care of us. I am allll in. However, in this case, "I love you and all, but you're not going to cause ME to become homeless just because you cannot control your selfish spending." Sorry... not happening.
@@dianecelento4974 he takes Dave’s ridiculousness and turns it up to 11. Dr. Baloney is running a grift. He’s like a fortune teller that leads the women into excuses and tells them what they want to hear, that it’s not their fault.
Wife had 2 brain tumors after being through a bunch of traumatic life events including the death of her mom, and she is making some bad decisions (see BRAIN tumors). Seems like a good Christian doesn't ditch their wife at this point and works with them. Compassion comes to mind.
Many of the comments here are ridiculous. John answered her well. But something is up with the husband too. Why would they even still HAVE credit cards after the 2nd time around?
She said “I didn’t realize I still had credit cards” in the first 5 minutes of the call. With all due respect, you should start blaming her and stop trying to find a way to blame a man. Or better yet, talk to a professional about your subconscious bias against males
@@crossfitruston3632 Not bias against males at all. My comment has nothing to do with anything like that. Married people should be working as a team and it sounds like both are lost in this case.
I was entangled with a liar who deceived me financially to take advantage, and I kicked her to the curb and out of the apartment and out of my life. Run from this mess.
I’m surprised Dr. D didn’t explore her betrayal and lack of integrity in their marriage. She sounds like she pushes back when limits are placed on her spending.
Well, you can't address an issue if you don't give it a name to understand what we're talking about here and financial infidelity is just a softer term for...she drained your bankaccount without telling you...he gambled away your retirement savings...or they didn't pay the mortgage or taxes and spent it on hoes and blo. When you're joined in on everything with your spouse legally then the partner cheating and bringing home an std or a hidden love child seems almost mild to the devastation of watching your life's work and savings go up in flame by the person who said "I do"...then I'll have questions like..uhm..you'll do what exactly? When they're around for the richer part of the vows and then cause you to go to the poor house 😆. It can start off small by just saying you bought food for the house but got a Fendi purse instead...just like maybe hugging or kissing another person may not be that big of a deal for some or another. Everyone draws their own boundaries.
No accountability at all, just a bunch of excuses. She knew she was overspending -- doesn't matter if the money was from the credit cards or the bank. She knew it wasn't there to just be completely selfish and not care about anyone else. He can't keep doing this and she can't be trusted again. Three times is already enough and it'll just happen again. Miss me with the brain damage. The first two times didn't have anything to do with that. She is cognizant of what she's doing and trying to excuse herself. It's over and it's going to happen again.
I know I'm late to the party, but if she has a pituitary tumor, she really, really should talk to her endo about this. Some people get changes in personality as a side effect from the Cabergoline, like for example gambling, overspending, crazy sex drive etc. Cabergoline is a medisin that's common to get prescribed for certain pituitary tumors. She may need to change her meds.
What a horrible human being. Taking advantage of this man not once, not twice, but now THREE times? You’re going to do it again, he should not stay with you. How dare you blame it on “stress”, that’s no way to cope. If i were him, you would have been gone after the first time and I would have called the police on you.
Youre not sorry if you keep doing it over and over. Third time? Yikes. Something tells me she will do it again. If you want to be irresponsible with money, thats your business and right to do so. But at least have the decency to be honest about it and not drag others down with you.
I thought it’s about 3xs infidelity then over draft cc and brain/health problems. To me, divorce divorce divorce. Excuses excuses. Pituitary gland tumor is not a big deal. I have it. Since then I learned most of us have it but majority of us it are not affected by it. I also had another issue where I had brain surgery last year. It’s not about health. It’s character. You don’t cheat because of health. You should not spend money irresponsibly. You can not live in a cloud. Don’t blame anything else besides the person in the mirror.
Such disrespect on her part. Id separate from her and maybe reconvene later if she chooses to get better. Permanent separate bank accounts may be needed. If she wants to be accountable than she needs to pay him back.
She needs to go home and let her mom scold her lol. That's enough. I can't imagine saving and my spouse being sick and then them blowing all the savings on nonsense. That's exactly why you can't be soft on daughters Even though they're cute the need to be raised with boundaries so they don't grow up and think well I can do whatever whenever cuz I'm a girl...
This was fascinating to listen to. I think that something key was missed: grief. Grieving the talks and get together that can never happen again, seeing reminders of those people around, knowing that this tumour may take you out and your time may be limited. Grieving what could of been but will no longer be. She is really in a crushing situation emotionally. And the message that's sent is "get it together" , "you are replaceable so perform". It sounds like she is trying her best not to check out.
