Searched "fearful avoidant" and "fantasy". When I saw your face pop up, I was like awww yeahhh, about to be called TF out. Did not disappoint, thank you!!
Heidi, you are golden. I was wondering if you ever saw yourself teaching in a university because you are so good at going in-depth about certain concepts without oversimplifying them.
"Now I am negotiating with myself, instead of deluding myself - and then becoming anxious or depressed the second those delusions don't translate into reality... Which delusions never do." 😂😂😂😂😂😂 I feel called out
Stopping the thoughts (daydreams, limerence, fantasizing, etc) and living in reality is a core teaching of Buddhism by way of meditation and mindfulness in general. Great to see the west catching up!
As an ENFP male, this resonates to the core. I did figure out that disassociating from reality using these maladaptive daydreams was a form of lazy protection I was giving myself to shield myself from trying to put in the work (I constantly dream about rocking the guitar in front of an audience). I love my fantasies because of the "hit" I get but I also want to move towards said fantasies and this video perfectly sums up that part of the process. Most relatable channel ever, thank you !!!
Female ENFP, totally agree ... spot on! Developed this in childhood as a protection mechanism. Sometimes it is great because of developing visions for life goals, but sometimes it is counterproductive. How do you deal with that? I found that sometimes: - when working, I zone out because there is too much detail-orented work, or because it is too much of one big chunk I don't know how to handle. Therefore analysing and breaking down in mini chunks helps a lot - About fantasising about a person, I told the person ... ok it sounds creep but it was a relief
@@BarbaraMoretti absolutely, I zone out too when I know something requires my full attention. I give myself little slots throughout the day only during which am I allowed to drift into fantasy land. When something requires my absolute attention, I try and be accountable by reminding myself that I'm not allowed to doze off since it isn't the right slot.
@@insertcheesypunhere if you want to know your type, you'll have to dab into cognitive functions and see how mbti isnt about e vs i or n vs s, as its not about dichotomies.
I did this throughout school. My home life was extremely chaotic and ugly. I hated being anywhere but inside my head. I still daydream but I understand that it fills the emptiness in my life. I have a lot of limiting beliefs. I self-sabotage. I really don’t believe in the future. I’ve spent my life waiting for the other shoe to drop so I don’t want the future to come.
Yep. This has ruined my life. Wasted my life in fantasy instead of doing anything or being an actual adult. Now I am 36 and a total loser who has never accomplished anything.
I'm an NFI (no friking idea) and I find Heidi's videos super insightful and useful. I guess when the student is ready the channel will show in the algorithm. Thanks Heidi. Please keep the reality doses coming.
This was sobering in a way that wound up being inspirational because there were practical steps outlined to help one transform an unhealthy, maladaptive, carrot-on-an-escapist-stick fantasy into a healthy, achievable vision that one can work towards.
Whenever I'm out of work and having trouble with the job search I revert back to daydreaming about ideal workplaces. I'll have vivid images of offices with incredible views of nature, of old warehouses converted into open office areas, expertly decorated. And I'll think about what might be the ideal office hours policy that would maximize worker satisfaction and productivity. (I am an INTP, for the record)
My issue is that as an anxious attached woman going through a breakup from my 7-year marriage, I find myself constantly imagining nothing but scenarios where I am being disregarded, emotionally hurt, or even fantasizing about my ex-husband seeing other women, being happy, and giving their best to “them” while I am left hurt, alone, abandoned, powerless, and worthless. In every fantasy I lose and he “wins”. My fantasies are not about a perfect relationship or partner. Quite the opposite of what she talks about here it seems 😢 I have not been able to find a video that explains why I do this and how to help me since the pain that this creates is unbearable. Anyone? Thanks for all your knowledge Haidi. You have been a lot of help during this painful time.
Thank you for this video. It’s exactly what I was looking for in trying to heal my limerance and attachment issues. Clear, concise, and actionable steps on how to move into a healthier space. So grateful 🙏🏾💗
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS VIDEO!!! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH. for years I have been wondering about my daydreaming... I once tried completely stopping it but like u said it got depressing... But then I tend to engage in it for hours and later wonder where all my time went 😂😂 Again Thank you soo much.. This is one of the most helpful vid out there . -ENFP 😁😉
SO HELPFULL!! I am SO grateful for this piece of content. This is what I have been experiencing lately, and I realize I am dealing with my fantasies in a healthier way ( realizing that THAT scenario has some other challenges and is not an ideal one). This helped me to wrap up that and more other very useful tools to help me move in a more productive way. Thank you thank youu
Even though I'm an INTJ and I believe your ENFP Heidi, I got so much from this video. Being intuitive can get you caught in being in daydream mode so much. I've been wanting to shift the balance and be more present. I also want my daydreams, planning, and fantasies to be more functional and integrative in the real world. I also want better focus on real-world things that are essential to me at the moment. And I want the intuitive part of me to do its healthy stuff. Thank you for this video. And knowing me, I'll probably have to devise systems for this balance. Lol. And I should probably emphasize Rapid Prototyping for these systems. Lol
@@trevorfrayne6418 Nice! My daydreams are more about being a character in a fantasy book I like or being a singer in a group. I guess these are the type of daydreams to de-stress with lmao.
🥺❤ I had my "Ah huh" moment when you spoke about fantasizes connected to self-esteem. I see I have been using it as a blanket. I totally understood what you meant. I'm excited to dive deeper into this. Thanks love🤗
I think a lot of INFJs, INTJs and maybe ISFJs need to hear this all, too. I feel like they always have such great expectations and they fear the unknown (in their own ways). Great video! Thank you, Heidi!! Another mind-blowing video ♥
I love what you’re doing here 🥰I try to watch a video every day to help keep my mind right. The fact that you do all of this without trying to sell something (with out an agenda) make your message stand out. Thank you
I am appreciating your channel!! I am INFP....with attachment issues! Totally built a relationship on fantasy...tragic! Find myself often living in daydream land...this video in particular, hits home! I'm going to relisten! Thank you!!
There is so much wisdom in this video. Especially the concept that we are not moving towards a place that is better or worse but rather has higher level or different challenges. That's actually really amazing when you think about it, how much time we spend planning for a reality that simply cannot exist.
That's great Heidi what you said and how clearly you've described those two fantasies. Thank you for this video! I like your conclusion on how to use it creatively to change your life for the better!
ENFP here. This is my first comment ever on RU-vid. Heidi, let me tell you that you are one of the best thing that happened in my life! I have been struggling so much throughout the years adjusting my fantasies with this society and the lifestyle that I have. Yes depression hit hard. My relationship with my father who I think is a senor is very challenging. I will not go in depths but your videos have made me understand a lot about myself. For some reasons, I have never consulted a psychologist maybe because I was judgmental that they will not understand my enfp mind and might try to put me in a box. (nothing against amazing psychologists but my own fears of not being understood). The way you explain these things resonates A LOT with me. Thank you a bunch for these informative and helpful videos. I live in Montreal Canada and I think you are in Toronto. I would be more than glad if our path crosses one day. Is your coaching sessions still available? edit: I just checked and they are. Awesome!
hi heidi.. i am an infj.. and we fantasize alot about how can we make things evolve/developed/better.. this video made me realize how much i am living in my fantasy instead of executing my projects.. i was enjoying how would it feel like, planning what i would own/sell/do .more than thinking of the steps to reach it. so thank you so much for helping me understand what was i doing wrong.. i was on and off with stress.. thinking that i am not ready enough for my huge perfect fantasy on the other hand i was working on healing my perfectionism.. but i was stuck, and this whole video was an aha 💡 helped me understand alot about my thinking patterns thank you from the bottom of my soul
Heidi this was a gem!!!👏🔥💓 Very empathic & also clear & concise. That’s a tall order! ENFP with CPTSD & past codependency & limerance issues! Keep going as your work is 🔥💝
wish I could like this a hundred times. Thank you for equipping me with vocabulary to distinguish and make sense of my experiences in a way that is incredibly helpful for me. I so appreciate the care and thoughtfulness that you put into your words.
Thank you for your contribution on this matter. I think this is exactly what the majority of those Law of attraction/assumption/manifestation videos I consumed in the past years lack to convey properly and I came up with a similar conclusion myself.
I clicked here because the title or idea was foreign to me: No, I don’t daydream or fantasize like the general way I thought you meant, but (1) during stress, I have often got lost in thought, trying to think of a resolution to a particular issue, whether my own or a close family member, in a really terrible struggle... and (2) I’d* had limerence for a guy but only because I very traumatized by a negative event that happened to me (assault) and this man’s appearance in my life cradled the period before the trauma and after, I buried the trauma, and this man came back into my life immediately after and then after he ghosted me. It was easier for me to wrap my brain around pain from our break up, idealizing the relationship and crying because I “lost a man I loved”, than to focus on, sit in the pain of, and deal with a trauma that has left a scar on me to some extent still this day - but I’m worlds more healed than I was initially! ❤️People are layered onions. It wasn’t until I went to therapy, and dived head first in to how to recover from the PTSD / hyper vigilant behavior, did I discover why the, so called, limerence behavior got tucked in as a layer to peel back. I’d never previously (Tom my conscience knowledge) had that attachment style. Fully recommend good therapy to everyone!! Mental health is extremely important. Therapy is never something anyone should be ashamed of getting to help you heal. When you find a good therapist, you can begin to heal from you inner wounds not visible on the outside. And don’t let anger or hate or bitterness from events control you or make you live in fear. You can move past them; you just need courage and encouragement. 🙏 Grounding techniques helps take you out of your head and focus on the hear and now: name 3 things you can hear, touch, taste, smell and hear? By the time you do this and practice during every process of overthinking, you take yourself out of your mind and your energy will focus into action for your current goals. ✌️
Hi Heidi, thank you so much for this video. Your channel is a gold mine of great content and it's helping me tremendously to reflect on my own situation and attachment style and it's a great compendium to the therapy I am undergoing at the moment. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Greetings from Holland
Every video I watch of yours turns my world and my understand of myself upside down. You are amazing! I literally brace myself before watching your videos bc I know I’m going to learn something life changing. You are so smart!!
This definitely puts some things into focus for me! After using fantasy to escape realty for a long time I've had such a hard time allowing any of it back into my life. But I also feel that depression from not being able to dream of the future. I have really big dreams that my mind fights with itself and says they are unrealistic, but I think it all goes back to like you said about not being able to beleive that we are worth it. I really like the advice of bringing practicality into fantasy. It feels less daunying if i can start breaking thesw dreams down into steps and focus more on what those steps feel and loom like, both from a positive and negative standpoint.
Very interesting and thought-provoking! As I was listening, I wondered if there might be a third category: "non-adaptive" or maybe more descriptively "palliative" daydreaming. I am literally inventing this in my mind as I type, so I'm open to disagreements. WIth that said... I think there are situations, maybe later in life than you've yet reached😊, where the real "now," things as they are, is less than ideal but where change isn't realistic or desirable. For example, a spouse/partner with profound dementia. Or another example: a spouse/partner who's had cancer treatment that prolongs life considerably but has significant specific physical impacts. Does the other spouse/partner separate from, or divorce, their spouse/partner because emotional, physical and/or sexual partnership is severely limited or not possible, or strike up new emotional, physical and/or sexual relationships outside the marriage/partnership? If divorce, separation or affairs are unacceptable, and the other partner really wishes to continue to love and support their spouse/partner, is daydreaming about what it would feel like to share deeply or sexually with another person? I'm wondering if there might be neither "healthy" or unhealthy/counterproductive. I'd be very interested in your thoughts!
Omg I'm loving how often you're uploading Heidi.. I've been bingeing your channel for 3 days straight now My most current repeated videos are the 5 ways of enfp maintaining healthy habits(this is really helping me trying to figure out why some of the stuff I've been doing hasn't been working & how to make it work) Then I'm also going through attachment healing as I started watching your videos & downloading some of your recommended videos. Kindly please upload a video on how to resolve conflict with a fearful avoidant partner Also what tools can a fearful avoidant use to start attachment healing..are there any books you could kindly recommend?
I'm so happy you found your way here! It's a bit tricky (at this particular point in history, maybe it won't be in the future) to give a list of books that will help for Fearful-Avoidants because it's an attachment style that generally forms around unresolved trauma, and the literature that will help it resolve depends upon what kind of early trauma the person in question experienced. The attachment style itself is more the *solution* (that may now be maladaptive as an adult) to the problems one faced in early life, but it is those original problems that must be contextualized and worked through in order for the adult worldview to shift. Tell me if that does/doesn't make sense! That being said! I've found the book 'Complex PTSD' by Pete Walker to be relevant for many fearful-avoidants. I also made a video at the end of 2021 called 'The Best Books I Read In 2021' where I go over quite a bit of what I read + found helpful in my attachment healing journey (I had a fearful-avoidant style as well). So you may find some things that apply in there!
@@heidipriebe1 which books in that list could be of particular help?..yeah I watched that video as well I ask because ever since I started watching the videos, after a recent trigger, it's like I opened pandoras box to being cognizant of the fearful avoidant traits I exhibit...don't get me wrong it was so great having them named by watching your videos..I felt so seen & understood, but I've been having such intense dreams of late, where I wake up so disoriented & I'm just now totally second guess if not all my choices & I'm wondering where I'd probably start if I were to work on attachment healing...also given that therapy isn't an available resource, I was hoping some books would help Def maladaptive for sure, cz it's not serving my life as adult, but I can't remember most of those 'original' problems to know what I should be working through...unless treating the symptoms(attachment style signs)
My therapist suggested I try to figure out what triggers the need to daydream and what am I getting out of them. I thought this was a good video but curious on daydreams that are about being hurt mostly violently then being comforted, like being able to cry and be held. The comforter changes pending on who I’m desiring attachment to at the moment. The comforter is never someone I’m interested in romantically it’s always a friend, almost always someone a little older. My life is good I’m married 2 good kids, friends, church community. I do have a history of abuse I’m working on, in therapy about 9 months. I’m really stuck as to why I can’t break this habit.
I was actually thinking about the same thing when I saw this video, I have similar daydreams to yours and also have a history of abuse. If you've ever heard of parts work when healing from trauma, you are supposed to be able to call upon the wise parent in yourself to comfort your wounded inner child. I've not been able to do that but I'll fantasize in the way that you have with a different person and find it very comforting. I wonder if it's such a bad thing if you are able to soothe yourself that way.
This speaks so much to me. I have struggled with unhealthy fantasies as a response to the trauma i experienced in my childhood and have recently found it very hard to stop. I noticed when I was under stress I would ache to disassociate as soon as possible for as long as possible. It is very unhealthy and I have told myself no and tried to stop for a long time. For a long time I felt ashamed because of my lack of self control. But God reminded me to be kind to myself and seek to understand myself rather than judge 👩⚖️ . This video has hit so many points it’s amazing. What’s interesting is that I knew I had an issue, what causes it (my mom also told me she did this), what factors influence it, etc. But I didn’t know how to stop it. Heidi has given good suggestions that I can incorporate to help with this. I do know that I also should seek therapy but haven’t found a therapist yet.
Ooooh, this is SO GOOD! Whatever it is thar I am making up that's stopping me is not going to be the reality so that actually frees me up to get really curious what the actual reality will be and the only way to find that out is to create it by actually living it. Thanks! 😀
I need to review this video again in the future > : U! This is is awesome insight into fantasies and like... I feel like I have tools to deal with big fantasies and like... Future plans I want to tackle! Oh my gosh, thank you :3!!
Heidi- Have you considered selling blocks of consultation time on Snugg or some other platform? I would totally pay to talk with you to unpack some of my personal specifics and situations and ideate with you about which models/books/tools/practices you’ve highlighted on the channel that might be most relevant/useful for my growth.
I'll be offering this service in the future! I'm completing a Masters degree in Attachment Theory at the moment, which eats up most of my time, but I plan to set up consultation services once I'm finished in the fall.
I have w question. I'm an enfp. I once tested entp but normally enfp. I'm not one to give labels, however, I know I've been seeing a narscissist, possibly sociopath for 6 yrs. Been thru so much crazy that most would run. My question is why I'm addicted to needing answers or some answer that will allow me to not seek the truth.
I used to daydream so much, and then when I entered the real world/mental illness I stopped. I applied to school and I remember realizing when I got accepted that I have a future again... eight years after I lost it. Optimism as an adult feels different than optimism as a child, it feels like accepting that life will be uncomfortable and strange and good, and I have to deal with the culture shock of adulthood in order to fight for a good life.
Completely unrelated thoughts that are also opposite in tone: 1) When we strip away all our unmet needs and look at what we want, the frequent lack of objective validity in those wants - like what you were saying about those futures not being better or worse - can be existentially frightening. Why do I want my music to be heard by a lot of people? It's probably for some random unmet need. If I meet the need, then...literally, why bother? After needs are met, I'm just pulling at random; there's no reason to do it. Or at least there probably is and you've covered this in another video, given that you keep reading my mind this way. 2) I haven't turned off maladaptive daydreaming (INTP, so Ne's around plenty), but in dealing with mental health issues the last two months I *have* stopped watching entertaining videos by myself (grandfathered-in things with my wife are in a different bucket and therefore okay). Besides that I needed to turn and face my problems with videos like yours rather than use laughter more as methadone than medicine, I also figured that out my brain uses the same cognitive pathways for my humor as it did for intrusive thoughts. Si serving Ne yields a lot of puns and unusual combinations of details into something funny, because my brain will freely associate in surprising ways. But Si serving Ne *also* takes tiny past details and puts a million possibilities as to their meaning, and then those become intrusive thoughts. I visit a counselor on Saturday who's a personal development stand-up comedian (she has an actual stand-up routine at mental health stuff like what she coaches) to discuss whether and how to let humor consumption fully back into my life.
So what do you call it if every time you fantasise and realise the new set of challenges that will come up with new achievements, you begin worrying about the new challenges and the circle never ends? 😅
This was so helpful! I did this 'challenge' with myself too, to stop daydreaming, after finding out I was very limerent last year. I got very depressed for a while so it was very tough. Only recently I have been allowing myself to daydream a little again, but now I am more conscious of my fantasies and using it as inspiration instead of escape. The good thing is, I am more confident and have made more progress in my life the last few month than I have in years!! It's truly amazing what happens when you address these issues. And your videos have been an important part in this journey to understand myself, so thank you!
Yeah but that's just a goal. Like I probably couldn't have a helathy realtionship now. I don't know when. Just that probably if I manage to get through to that degree then I have worked so hard on myself I could also do that. And then have the means to somewhat at least persue a relationship. I do absuluty want to have children tho. Like that goal is more of a fixed star in the distance that is where I am trying to go. That dosn't mean I fantazie about it. Used to when I felt very bad. But like it's just a goeal, just a very important one
Hi Heidi, this one was very interesting to me because when I speak about fantasies it tends to be from a completely different angle. What I hear more about is people who feel compelled to act on fantasies that don't necessarily match with their values, such as violent fantasies or sexual fantasies that would lead to cheating, or about a therapist for example. The way I talk to those people is to understand fantasies as automatic thoughts that they don't control, but don't have any power over their behavior either. Any thoughts about how that fits with the content of this video?
Those kinds of fantasies would fall outside my current realm of expertise and (most likely) into the realm of intrusive thoughts. Which can be related to trauma, OCD and probably a few other mental health challenges that I'm not aware of. The types of fantasies I reference in this video are voluntary - that is, largely pleasant and proactively engaged with by the person experiencing them.
I think you need to look into that fantasies and the unconscious are not painting literal fantasies. people who take a dream or fantasy as a 1 to 1 correlation to what they should do in reality is naive. You need to ask yourself the questions Heidi teaches in her video. what am I trying to get from this fantasy I can't do for myself in reality. There is feeling inside the dreamer, that will resonate with the answer, once asked the question and you hit on the proper answer.
@@heidipriebe1 That's fair, thank you. As a psychiatrist of course I work a lot more on the border between normality and pathology than I get into normative self-development.
The content of our fantasies may simply be the kinds of thoughts we allow ourselves to have in reality. That we bring into ourselves having to do with entertainment and thoughts that we allow ourselves to have about society, ourselves through our cognitive lenses as well. eventually anything we allowed to pass through our mind unchecked can be turned in on ourselves in the dream state.
I used to listen to WAYYY too much music. Now I only listen to music when I'm really in the mood or really need to tune out. Otherwise, it's audiobooks all the way, or sometimes just being mindful of what I'm doing - or watching my mind think constantly, like a hamster on a wheel! Poor hamster stuck in my brain! Haha
Your content is very helpful to me, but the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is nonscientific BS. Nonetheless most of your content is very based and I learn a lot about myself. You are a great explainer. Thank you!
well, you made me less anxious, I guess daydreaming is not a problem for me. I daydream about things which I can do in few days (but is hesitant to do), this motivates me to start doing them, but still I dream more than do. And when we talk about any bigger things they all have too much downsides in my imagination. Like those trips, I can't imagine why people would put themself through all this stuff... Looks like I still have the opposite problem, I need to daydream more and more positively...
i am an enfp and ive been trying to be more realistic BUT I STILL BECOME TOO IMAGINATIVE AT SOME POINT. and yes i agree that we have to merge reality and fantasy to manifest our deeds and goals that we want to do and achieve
Well excuse me. I don't believe any fantasy is unhealthy. I mean it is a fantasy after all. The fantasy realm is a place where you are free to explore. Face it, this world is so full of rules. Be like a child, create, explore. Just as long as it is consentual and no one ends up in ER, who's hang up is it? Not wine. Whatever floats your boat.
