10 Signs You May Have A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style 

Signs: 1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment 2. You ricochet between over and under taking responsibility 3. You don't feel deserving of a healthy relationship 4. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are 5. Rationality and emotion are unintegrated for you 6. You are highly aware of power dynamics at all times 7. Your inconsistent emotions makes decision-making difficult 8. You read other people really easily 9. You are frequently "upregulated" + chasing highs 10. You love hard but struggle to make room for relationships

You know you're fearful avoidant when you have really close "best friends" for years that have never been to your house, or don't know your family or anything you actually like.

I laughed out loud when she said that they want an emotionally close relationship where "they don't have to compromise absolutely anything". Daaaamn. I didn't realize that is what I was doing, or that it was a defense mechanism. It really hit the nail on the head about my behavior in past relationships. The thought that I could compromise and give a little without giving up all wasn't even on my radar. It was always "It's my way or the highway", like... I thought it was just having standards... but I can see now that I was unwilling to give up control because I didn't want to become enmeshed and lose my internal sense of regulation and control. Wow. Looks like I've got a bit of work to do, but I now have a place to start.

I have genuinely learned more in this hour-long video than in my 15 years of on-and-off therapy. Thank you.

For me personally, I don’t really identify with the - “if I commit, I lose my independence.” But how I know I’m fearful avoidant is the intense wanting of intimacy but then running away as soon as I get anything close to it. My personal fear is that if anyone gets too close (and I get vulnerable) they’ll see what’s really wrong with me like everyone else and then leave. So I always leave in the superficial stages or unconsciously push people away by being cold. I want to feel safe but everyone feels unsafe and at the same time I’m not worthy. I completely relate to the part where I can put on a good show and pretend I’m normal, and then people are always taken aback when I eventually withdraw, but they want more from me. I’ve had people beg me to go on another date and I felt bad but too afraid. Honestly I sometimes go about this way with friends too, hot and cold. I used to not be able to hang out with anyone for more than 2 hours without wanting to gnaw my arm off. I felt like I was going to go insane. And it’s that same feeling of I really want to be friends with people and experience the closeness and enjoyment of having friends, but I need alone time and I think I have a subconscious fear of being found out that I have nothing to give. I also generally feel emptier comparatively to everyone else. ALSO, when I really like someone I go between intensely liking them and being like “I want them” to going analyzation mode being like “they’re not good for me for XYZ reason and this is never going to work out.” I also go between crying in between seeing someone and then being incredibly detached + having a self-inflated ego + hyper-independence to protect myself. Anyways, I hope all the fellow fearful avoidants find the self-love and external love they need to heal. Pls go see a therapist and even if we all feel better off by ourselves, I hope we can be happy. If anyone wants to start a singles collective, I’ll be there probably LOL.

This is the best, most thoroughly explained and detailed explanation of the fearful avoidant that I’ve seen on RU-vid. The generous number of comparisons against the other attachment styles is super enlightening and very educational. I found this very helpful in understanding myself better.

When you started talking about the ball of pureness, I started tearing up. There is a sense of not being deserving, and my sense of emotional gravity does go back and forth. I’m constantly trying to “be better”, and I don’t know how to just show up. I must be giving of myself at all times, and that is why we deactivate during emotional distress because we’re not showing up as perfect.

Could absolutely relate to confusion between "I don't know if I was toxic or if my partner was toxic" and extreme confusion whether the relationship was right or not, years after ending the relationship inna deactivated state!

If someone is interested in me at first I feel flattered and curious but then I think “No…this isn’t good. Abort abort!” And then again being open to the possibility and back to “please leave me alone”. The constant back and forth is exhausting. I must add just in case someone could relate. I grew up with an alcoholic dad that I both loved/feared and wanted to be close to/away from. I have learned this has affected me in more ways than I’ve realized.

Never have I ever felt so understood and called out😂

Heidi, you are insanely skilled at what you do! I have studied psychology at some of the best universities in the world and no professor or academic book - I have come across - explain these psychological patterns as well as you. Keep going ❤

Being fearful avoidant with cptsd has me feeling I'm on a backwards, out of control merry-go-round. I always second guess what I'm feeling... 😢 I've thought I'm going literally mad that no-one else understood just how hard EVERYTHING was for me. Finally putting everything in the right context and addressing each thing, Thanks to Heidi, has been phenomenal. I feel guilty for getting such great therapy for free!!! 😂

Just imagine an INFP with a Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style. "What is wrong with me?" becomes an everyday song. But then videos like this give the assurance that it can be worked on. Thanks, @Heidi Priebe

I feel like you just opened me up and showed me my insides while I was awake on the operating table

Oh _boy_ does #2 hit home. "Am I the abuser or am I _being_ abused?" Juggling feelings of both guilt and mistrust is a hell of a thing. Yeah, for the longest time I was convinced I had an anxious attachment style, but after watching this, uh......huh.

OH MY GOSH. I just had to stop the video because your examples of oscillating between being super reactive and then really self reflective and feeling disgusted with yourself (like what was i thinking?) Really resonated with me. Thank you so much for explaining this attachment style in detail!

I like the way you explained how everyone has both anxious and avoidant traits and behaviors depending on the situation. It really helps to clarify.

My ex-boyfriend is fearful avoidant and I was secure until his withdrawal started, then I started becoming anxious. We're at 5 weeks no contact. Loving someone like this is like loving two completely different people. When he's somewhat regulated, or in his anxious side, he's the man of my dreams. We're great together and I wanna marry him. When he's deactivated he's totally cold and invalidates our entire relationship. His reaction to the slightest hesitation from me is to panic and bail, even though he's the one causing the anxiety with his inconsistent behaviour. Honestly, I feel sad for him cause I know the childhood trauma where this all stems from, but I also can't sacrifice myself and keep being treated like this. The discard is the same as dating a narcissist. It will take a lot of therapy for him to heal, and he's not aware enough to realize how much he's sabotaging his own happiness yet.

Wow! I thought I was anxiously attached for a long time, but I knew I never called multiple times or text continuously. I’d pridefully cut people off. I’m recently learning that I’m fearful avoidant and it’s allowing me so much more insight!

oh my god. "The anxious avoidant will deal with that pain, chase that high in a slightly more extravagant way. So they just had a break up - they'll go travel the world for 6 months". Me, sitting here in eastern Europe as a digital nomad with my mouth open for this entire video, facing my own toxicity head on for the first time.

🤯 Best explanation of the fearful avoidant style that I’ve heard and I’m all up in this stuff. 😂 Heidi thank you so much! You are so skilled at breaking down very nuanced and complex concepts. 🙏

I swear you literally made my jaw drop throughout the whole video. After years of self analyzing, doing every single personality test that exists, going deep into astrology, researching about chakras, energies in the universe etc just trying to find any grip or somewhere to start with healing... Your video is the first one I trembled over that had every single point so well explained it blew my mind. I also have diagnosed ADHD and I can relate to every single point. It just feels like I finally figured myself out after years of research and working on myself to improve. I really can't put in words how much your video meant to me after watching it, it really almost made me cry. Thank you so much for your work and sharing this. This is really so incredibly helpful! ❤️

wow i finally felt seen, especially in relation to how crazy emotional i can be and then suddenly see everything in a rational perspective and no longer have access to my feelings, this feeling of total insecurity and no longer trusting yourself and therefore you takes a long time to make decisions. also very appropriate that i tend to protect myself from injuries and therefore want to analyze my opposite and make sure that i'm not in the "emotionally inferior position"

The entirety of this vid is calling me out but the piece about not being able to trust myself really hits home for me. After I got into my last relationship, I felt that my identity became like liquid. Suddenly, I was a boyfriend who is supposed to be able to emotionally connect and be supportive for my partner, but I wasn't at all ready to let go of any of the control I had in my individual life with my own space. My emotions and logic were always fighting against each other and I could never make decisions that I felt were good for me in the long run or, alternatively, just be completely complacent with where I was. Now after feeling like I emotionally abused my ex for 4 years, I'm realizing that I was always ricocheting between those two faculties and being unpredictable as a partner or a person. I feel guilty for every pain and suffering I caused her for being such an asshole and not working towards be in a place where I would be able to commit. Right now, I'm feeling that disorienting feeling of "I can't really trust myself anymore" because I'm thinking "what if I sabotage every relationship I have in the future because I won't be able to guarantee that I'll make a choice right now that'll make me a better person even in the future?" I hope I can switch over to #teamsecure with working on myself in therapy and learning to trust myself and be proud of my complete identity that I can share fully with other people.

After watching on of your videos on the DA, I was thinking : well maybe i'm avoidant. But after watching this video, I don't have any doubts that I am FA anymore. The part where you say that people feel a connection to us, without knowing anything at all on us is so accurate. I give a lot, but I don't open up a lot. As I get older, relationships make me so burned out. I literally forget myself. So i'm trying to open up more, but everybodies a wounded child, so it's not easy to build real intimacy. I've learned so much in the last couple years. As you mentionned, I used to jump to label people as having bad intentions, but now, I look back and understand how everyone who hurt me in the past was coping and I now have huge compassion for them.

It’s rare that I use the word “brilliant,” but this video deserves it. Your detailed explanation has really helped me understand my significant other in ways I didn’t before. Thank you.

To be in a relationship is to give up my independence and my sense of self is how I think of relationships my whole life I couldn't imagine a relationship without a complete merging. Now I know thanks

This is enlightening. I was in love with a fearful avoidant a very long time (loving him still human-wise) but I struggled so much to understand his confusing push pull actions (sometimes even in the same moment). And it was just painful to see him being in kinda survival state often and seing destructive behaviour while still seeing his heart humor and joy as a person. And admitting to myself that at some point I was lacking of will and bravery anymore to find solutions. When I started to read about attachment theory I firstly thought he was dismissive avoidant but now that I remember him opening up to me about his last relationship and watching this video, I understood that his dismissive avoidant showing up was only a cover up of his fear becoming very anxious side and impulsive outburst/helplessness when it becomes a bond. After me being vulnerable I found him often saying 'I can rely on you and I trust you' - I have to say I wasn't aware of the meaning of those words from his position... But even I tried my best being my secure and mature self, I had to figure out some avoidant and anxious tendencies in myself too. I was close to getting into a kind 'therapist position' which we both acknowledge that it wasn't eye level anymore.. So all I can say is. Even I'll never ever regret loving someone with this attachment style, I'd wish I (actually we) had the understanding sooner and would have worked on our dynamics and emotional level with more honesty and bravery. But effort, even paired with love, is not enough when it just comes more from one side.

As someone who identifies strongly with this, I have found another interesting side effect: it makes getting medical support for complex issues very difficult. This is because when I experience a new symptom, I become worried about it and get activated, and the whole process of making a doctor's appointment goes on in an activated state. However, when I reach the doctor's surgery, the act of getting support relaxes me into a deactivated state (a sort of placebo effect I guess), so I no longer have access to the emotions and triggers that caused me to make the appointment in the first place and I often end up questioning and doubting myself and being unable to really describe my symptoms when asked by the doctor.

This is a great video. And it also gives me a huge amount of hope for fearful avoidants (like I believe myself to be). It means we're in touch with both sides of ourselves, the emotionally in tune anxious side that yearns for intimacy and connection, and the rational, separated part of ourselves who maintains our sense of self & independence. It means we're at the precipice of being securely attached, but need to mainly work on integrating emotion with reason, understanding how we can make better decisions that utilize both sides of ourselves (whether that be in a specific space, time, environment) and improving our communication skills massively (this is the main thing). Really it means we're securely attached individuals who just need to reel it in. We have an immense capacity to love but we're so self-critical and often a little too self-aware and feel a little too deeply that we respond but shutting it all down to protect ourselves. I find this explanation so much more fulfilling than Levine's portrayal of FA's as having the BAD parts of both insecure styles, whereas we can look at it more as us having the GOOD parts of both insecure styles. Thank you Heidi.

I cried around sign #3 because it’s true. I feel I am worthy but it depends after a relationship. And i am attracted to more avoidants so usually they aren’t down for helping me regulate. Then they blame me for the problems in the relationship. I think it’s sad because they enjoy my energy but they don’t want to empathize with how their behavior might effect me. I work my ass off in relationships and crucify myself for my behavior. So I know I am practicing empathy and reciprocity. I just haven’t found the right person to WANT to work on a relationship with me. But you’re right. When I deactivate i feel great! But something may trigger me into being more anxious . I might chase the last significant other I had and also start making more emotional choices. It’s really been hard to keep a linear projection in my life because of this tendency. God I wish more people understood, and were patient. 💕

This is about to change my life. Sadly, I just ended a happy, fun, exciting, caring, new relationship three days ago, fearing the long-term implications on my "freedom" (read: control) to fully be my ENFP self, moving and changing trajectories at the drop of a hat (read: whenever/however I want)... I was triggered by her acting out a bit of anxious insecurity and went into a complete tailspin for two days. I did get some help co-regulating with my sister, which kept me from making a super quick rash decision, and after a 4-hour bath, sushi dinner, and a massage, I got started learning about my Fearful-Avoidant-ness, but by that time, the girlfriend wasn't feeling great about my waffling back and forth, and kinda just wanted an answer... so I let her go. This video shed SO much light on why relationships like this one with the most lovely and gracious girls have been so short, AND why my longest relationships have been with verbally abusive or unfaithful girlfriends, AND why I don't find myself pursuing or understanding girls with their sh*t together... seeing the roots in my family life, and even the effects of what jobs I've taken, and communities I've joined. I just don't know how to navigate secure/safe relationships... YET! This video and the "three signs you're healing" video have me feeling VERY confident that I'm gonna get better! I can already feel the difference in not considering myself "commitment-phobic," or "picky," but having some learned patterns from childhood which are simply no longer helpful or necessary. The "center of gravity" concept is fascinating, and gives some good color to what I was feeling- I don't trust myself to let "compromise" mean "losing myself," so I just cut my losses and keep the control. But now that I am learning there really are people who could accept and love me, with a more healthy balance of give and take on these things... I've got hope!!! Some changes are coming! Heidiiiiii, thank youuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!

Hi Heidi! I am new to your channel and have diagnosed myself to be "fearful/anxious avoidant". I am nearing 77 yrs and have been a problem to myself (let alone my relationship with and to others) for nearly all these years. Have been listening to other podcasts (about a year now) regarding CPTSD which has given me a base/basics for understanding myself. Listening to your podcasts (2 so far) have brought greater understanding of myself. "Fear" has been the driver of my vehicle and has kept my emotions at a constant ALL TIME HIGH. Long story short, I have taken up playing the autoharp to help me REGULATE my intense nervous system. I love music and tried learning to play the ukulele and keyboard in the past, all to no avail - lacked rhythm. One day, I had the opportunity to play with a family member's autoharp and loved the feeling I felt while playing it. Sometime went by and again, one day, to my surprise, he gave it to me. (approx 10 yrs ago). About a month ago, I had "this " thought about playing this auto harp as it might help to "regulate" my biological rhythm which I've determined to be my number one obstacle and therefore, starting point. So I dug it out of my closet and started teaching myself to play it (really, really easy). I am discovering that I am musically inclined and it's my DIS-REGULATED nervous system that made me think that I lacked rhythm. Secondly, thank you for providing transcripts (I've been printing them) to your podcasts. I get easily over whelmed with "fast talking" and need info to come to me slowly in order for brain assimilation/processing. "Reading" your podcasts have helped me a lot with comprehension, understanding and assimilation of your teachings. Thank you ever so much !!!

I’m only eleven minutes in, and I’m having almost a kind of crisis? I’ve always thought of myself as a secure attachment, but a lot hasn't been making sense. This is making me see I actually don't have a secure attachment at all. Thank you! I'll be bringing this up in therapy.

Old enough to be your Dad or Grandpa, but I want to thank you for this. You have a lot of talent and your presentation is super helpful. I just stumbled upon all of this and it is helping me make sense of my life...my relationships.... and my challenges. And ...giving me hope. Thank you so much for that. Your efforts and work in what you do...if I am any example...is changing lives. Keep doing you!

Good grief, this is hard... but I'm dug in and making a forward push towards the trenches of my traumas. No more treaties, no more running away. I'm winning this.

This is an interesting and useful video. I just want to comment on #4. As having a fearful-avoidant attachment style much of what Heidi described really resonated; but just want to offer some nuance for the 4th point- Heidi suggested that this attachment style tends not to believe in the good of humans, that really everyone is out for themselves. This I don't relate to. I believe in the good nature of humans, but the belief system that was ingrained in my mind-body is that this good nature will never be directed to me because I am unworthy/unloveable/a mutant/etc. I don't know if this makes sense, but it is how my body-mind understands this point.

Listening this (and a few other of your videos on the topic) for a fourth time, now taking notes. I really want to thank you for this lecture. Producing videos on youtube is a difficult task already, but making a complex topic like this accessible to non-professionals is way, way more impressive. Your way of explaining is very elegant and professional. You have really done the work of making it understandable, and I must admit for the first few listens I kind of didn't want to believe this matched so well with my personality. For so many of my actions and models of behavior I didn't have an explanation. I have been dabbling into psychology for a while, trying to understand my behavior. I read the Attached book, but it just didn't fully click - they say a mix between anxious and avoidant is 4% of the population, so they don't talk about it at all. Yet I didn't recognize myself in either profile enough to pinpoint myself to all of the traits of the anxious, nor the avoidant. I could recognize other people's traits to some extent, but it didn't explain mostly my own actions. And I knew a bit about the theory, and that there were different ideas around it, but just didn't know where to start. So again, thank you for that video, it has been really helpful and at the age of Internet it is a true blessing to have access to such information. Now not only reserved for the professionals, but for us ordinary people too. I know it's difficult to upload such a long lecture, but it really did expand on the topic sufficiently well.

I want to learn how to let go of control in power dynamics so bad. I'm just starting to realize now why it's so hard for me to keep in touch with my friends. Because I'm afraid to show vulnerability, appear dependent of their disapproval. Such a valuable insite for me! Thank you, Heidi❤

You sure talk about Avoidants like they understand the way they feel. I sure wish that had been the case for me. I had no idea why commitment and vulnerability were scary. I didn't understand why I pulled away from someone I knew I loved. Only after discovering Attachment Theory and seeing myself as an Avoidant did my hidden fears get revealed. Only then was I was finally able to understand my relationship harming behaviour. Before then, dumb as a stick.

😮 hallelujah! Finally an coherent explanation of my inner world… I was a bit shocked to find out I am a fearful avoidant.. I hope there is a way to correct this and find some peace!

This was fabulous! Please do a video on ADHD and fearful avoidant types.

WOW. This is the most amazing description ever. As a FA, I'd really like to hear more about the struggle with anger and resentment after a breakup. For me, the relationship ends so badly- because it's generally been with either a narcissist or a dismissive avoidant- that the rumination is about all of the ways I was disregarded, disrespected, and taken advantage of, as well as an obsession with getting justice. I almost never miss the person after the first few days, because the way I was idealizing them becomes clear very quickly once they're gone. But because of the types I've been attracted to, I have never gotten any form of amends or closure, so the brain just cycles back to all of the resentments trying to reconcile them by itself.

100% thought I had an anxious attachment style until I started watching your videos. Now I've realized I totally have a fearful avoidant attachment and it's EYE OPENING. Thank you for the in depth explanation of all of the styles and for using such articulate comparisons to the other ones. You are such a life saver and I'm obsessed with your channel 💛

You are so accurate with everything. One example of me not giving up control as a fearful avoidant is how I will absolutely NOT call a person more than once. I haven't been able to describe it until watching this video, but it's just me not wanting to cede any control to the other person. Another thing, you are absolutely right, I can read people with a high degree of accuracy. U can tell when someone likes me but I won't do anything about it until they SAY it. I guess not having your needs met at a young age or primary caregivers nor respond quickly taught me to relationally play the stare game. Whoever blinks first loses. And wow, I am shocked at how I can hold out emotional connection. My therapist passed away in 2021. Now I miss her. She read me for filth... and you do too and I am here for it. ❤🧡

Ooof. Me to a T. I never related to avoidant or anxious and this helps me understand myself so much more. I go into relationships super intense and emotionally available and then when it starts to feel “too real” I pull back, shut down, sabotage it, and end things. It’s a vicious and discouraging cycle.

This was the most comprehensive, detailed and logical explanation of the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style. I don't ever comment, and rarely subscribe to channels but I felt like this really deserved a comment and a subscribe. Thank you so much for your wisdom and insight, so valuable. I think the one point I didn't resonate with was 9. I don't chase highs really, but everything else was spot on. I've been seeing someone for 9ish months, I think he's definitely avoidant, and I flip between anxiety attacks and knowing that I have to leave because I'm definitely being taken advantage of, vs a short period of rationalising and looking back at that response like 'wow, I'm fucking nuts. No wonder he doesn't want to commit to me', which is a topic of contention even though I kind of don't want him to commit to me, and really like that he creates so much distance because it justifies my need to do the same when that time comes. Its been so confusing for me because I can really empathise with his need for space and aloofness, and I love it about him, but then I get moments where I think I'm being really abused and he's using me. Its almost like I want him to be aloof, distanct and self sufficient, but only if he's not taking advantage of my 'generosity' I suppose, for giving it to him. I get these moments where I question if he's only seeing me because I'm easily taken advantage of. Until having therapy this year, I'd destroy relationships very quickly due to anxious 'episodes' as I now call them, where I'd demand unreasonable compensations from my partner, or else I was clearly being used, which of course led to a breakdown. Now, mostly, when I get strong emotional responses I will hash it out with a therapist first, which helps bring me back to my rational side, which for some reason I think is the more riteous part of me. This video was the first time I've ever seen a solution that hit me hard and gave me pause. as I've so far been thinking that my avoidant side of me is the solution. If I could just live in that space forever, not have these intense emotional reactions, then I'd be absolutely fine. I wouldn't feel hurt by the aloofness I'm experiencing from my partner, or whoever I'm dating, and I could communicate rationally and calmly... it does make me feel a bit like a psychopath though and I feel cut off from my emotions. I didn't consider before that there was a rational way to think about my emotional needs. Like my partner isn't wrong, I am responsibile for my feelings, but it's actually not smart or logical to put myself in a situation that doesn't fulfill my emotional side. I've not really liked any other advice I've received because, as you said, I don't trust myself as a convevor of my own truth. The advice I receive is only relevant at that moment in time, and I have actually, as you suggested, suspended decision making until I can get a handle on who I am. I really like that way of approaching it however, I think making an emotional decision when I'm feeling rational is probably a really good way to start, when I lift that suspension. To consider my emotional side when I'm feeling rational, to try make a decision that supports my emotional needs, kind of like a parant would, and perhap put in place protection mechanisms to support me when I go off the rails while I'm rational, will be a proactive way of dealing with the emotional rollarcoaster I contend with. I'd love more videos on this topic, and I appreciate the depth you went into with this. I'm not sure why I felt compelled to write this really long comment but feel free to share it if you think it could be useful to others. I'd really like to know more about what you were saying at the end in regards to disorganised attachment systems being organised on some level. I'll take some time now to look into those videos as I love your presenting style and depth of understanding.

Über exhaustive video, Heidi! Love it! I always look forward to your content because it's always so orderly, so precise, so well verbalized! There isn't a bit of irrelevant information. I absolutely adore the way present the content! You're of so much help to me that it's beyond words! May all the good you're sending out into the world came back to you hundrefold ❤️ ~ a recovering FA INFJ

For the past two years I thought I was dismissive avoidant (and have been working on those strategies) but only now I've come to realize that actually I'm fearful avoidant. I understand it in the sense that when I made space and time to reflect upon myself I was actually in a deactivated mode so I had acces to more of a "logical perspective" but I didn't get the full picture of how I was handling situations in those moments of reflection becasue I wasn't able to incorporate the emotional worlview. Maybe that's why shame and guilt are such big part of my inner experience... in spite of that I'm having fun discovering this truth about myself because it defenitley makes more sense of the decisions I have been making all my life 😂 Its interesting to see how my understanding abut myself is shifting: I usually thought about myself as a cold person without emotions but actually I'm discovering HOW MUCH I actually feel without even realizing it... Thanks Heidi!

This is the most useful content on Fearful-Avoidant Attachment that I've seen since I started studying attachment styles 10 years ago.

At first I thought I was anxiously attached, then I figured I might be a fearful avoidant, and then I thought that I might have been looking at it all wrong and that I might be avoidant. This video solidifies it - I’m a fearful avoidant. I pretty much resonated with everything here in a way that I didn’t with your other videos talking about the other attachment styles.

Heidi, this is phenomenal. I felt you were describing me accurately and in fine detail, and doing it with great intelligence and compassion. I've never heard anything like this before. I have a feeling that discovering your fearful-avoidant attachment style videos will have a big effect on my life. Thank you.

I love how succinctly you explain that attachment styles aren't black and white, that even avoidant people can shift on the attachment spectrum and experience some anxious behaviors. For example, avoidant people CAN worry a lot about their relationship. They're not as cold as they seem. They may wonder if they can trust their partner, and at their lowest they'll test their partner's loyalty. These behaviors are reminiscent of anxious attachment, but they manifest differently -- like the avoidant person running and expecting their partner to chase them (this is often unconscious). This has just been my experience.

Thank you so much for your generosity, eloquence, and care, Heidi! This is probably the only RU-vid video of this length that I've not only watched in its entirety, but also re-watched AND taken notes on. I look forward to sharing your videos with others. Much love to you!

I’m 28 years old. Just recently found out about the DMM model and even more recently found out that I have a fearful attachment style. Heidi broke this down so well that’s she’s literally changed my life in one hour. I’m ready to live now. Thanks girl!!

Im going through a break up right now and number 2 has literally been my current state of mind. I was taking so much responsibility for "my bad behaviour" and spiralling and sitting in so much shame. It wasn't until a friend of mine said hey you're not a bad person you were with someone emotionally abusive that i finally stopped overdoing it. I embraced my flaws that i was also showing up in toxic unhealthy ways and i was also with a partner that was emotionally harmful. I was very much struggling with which one of us was "good" or "bad" until i finally integrated all the truths. Thank you so much for this video its the most seen i have felt during this time!!!

Heidi, you just read me for filth with this one! But in the greatest way. Love your videos and excited about all of the progress I have been making on my attachment healing journey. Thanks, in large part, to you and your work!

Loved this video. Would you consider doing one specifically on decision making for fearful avoidants, and how to improve and become more confident in our decision making process?

Wow! When you said "there is a strong emotional component of this that I am currently neglecting to think about" a part of me lit up for a second! Amazing! Just watching these videos is somehow healing because you seem to be talking to the parts directly, in a very kind and understanding way!

OMG, Thank you SO much for this video, you LITERALLY described Me and all the behaviors, and motivations behind them that I have, is so relieving to finally understand what is going on with me and why I've feel this extreme emotions, I was feeling so overwhelmed and not knowing what it was, just made it worst, but now I know is my attachment style and is something I can fix so I'm so happy :)

Really helpful! A lot of the phrasing was a little hard to relate to as an INFJ, but not too hard to translate. I can’t relate to the idea of losing my authentic self in a relationship because I don’t relate to having one in the first place (lol); the threat I feel in a relationship is probably more related to extroverted feeling and the fear of merging with someone who will exploit or use me, or drag me down. And I think it’s easier with introverted thinking to access logical analysis while caught up in emotions-it just doesn’t tend to count when making decisions. At best it just helps with convincing myself to freeze up and not know how to make any decision at all. Also don’t tend to feel afraid of commitment or a need a roam or feel free, but I bolt too easily after serious commitment, usually when I find myself unable to advocate for my unmet needs. I think instead of conflicting with extroverted intuition’s need for wide-open possibilities, the clash for me is from introverted intuition struggling to see the long term path together with someone (and obviously being unable to just trust the other person when they say it’ll work out). So I’m never really able to believe the other person’s vision of the future even if I want the same thing. And with the power balancing needs (perfectly described btw), even admitting I want the future my partner claims to want with me feels too threatening if I don’t believe them enough.

The way you read my mind like a book 😀 Incredible video! Ive known that I was a fearful avoidant for a while but this has completely encapsulated my disorganized mindset. I feel as though I’m improving and listening to your examples has shown me how far I’ve gotten.

Wow this is about as accurate a summation of my relationship experiences as there could be. And helps me to understand myself and my 'finicky' nature much better. I wasn't sure if I was avoidant or fearful avoidant and this clears it up perfectly. The feeling that you don't want to contaminate someone is real and also that you have goodness within you and that others can be the contaminant is a conflict within. I agree with what you're saying 100 percent that the fearful avoidant battles within himself over this and the path to growth involves resolving that conflict and seeing more nuance in the self and others. Perhaps this is why I'm so interested in psychology.

This is the best breakdown ive heard of this. And ive been in therapy my whole life. Thank you!

This video made me feel so seen. Like I feel like For once I finally understand myself..why I get so intensely emotional then all act out on it(although I've been trying to temper or control that) then get so logical to the point the emotions I experienced feel like I was in a fog, like I just can't connect to them, it feels like a foreign part of myself..but my actions so clear..then now everything just goes through a rational lens. From this point, I just can't connect emotionally..I see the practicality to everything

Thanks, Heidi for helping me understand that i am not crazy. I have struggled to understand my ricocheting. Your videos are incredibly validating and useful. I greatly appreciate all you do for this community!!

This video READ ME ALL THE WAY DOWWNNNNN!!!!! I finally can firmly identify myself being a fearful-avoidant person in relationships and now can begin doing the appropriate work to improve ❤

"the closest fearful avoidant gets to trust is: it would hurt you to betray me" well damn. And I thought that was just a normal rationalizing of when to tell people something or open up, to always have something in the back of my hand. I also keep my friends strictly separated, so when (not if I guess) one badly betrays me, it would do little damage to my overall support system. This video is tough. But I guess I needed to hear this stuff.

My cousin often says "at some point, stupidity is indistinguishable from cruelty." and it's interesting when I've hit the point in the video where you say that fearful-avoidants often believe that people hurt each other/in innate cruelty and such and I was like "I certainly don't feel that." but then immediately went OH. What I feel instead is "people can't be trusted not to accidentally hurt each other." which is pretty much has the exact same action-consequences. Example: I am still heavily reliant on "I have to know them super well before they can know me" because that will give me pre-anticipatory knowledge on how to navigate with them and forgive when they do hurt me. Because "if I understand how it happened; it shouldn't hurt." ahaha shoot.

Heidi has absolutely nailed my fearful-avoidant attachment style. Thank you for clearing up my confusion!

This has helped me make so much sense of my breakup. I found attachment theory after being suddenly dumped by my FA ex. After 3 years he finally started to open up then 5 weeks later broke up with me after a normal day out if the blue with the most bizarre excuse. He was clearly triggered and deactivated. I have never been so devastated and confused. Hearing this helps with the confusion and gives me a little peace knowing that the caring loving wonderful man I loved was just as hurt and confused and that he did love me....even if he couldn't sustain it 😢

Wow. This explains everything! Thank you so much for taking the amount of time to explain all of this. It really is deeply disorienting to live this way, and it's been exhausting trying to fix the distorted beliefs that my false self awareness made me think I had already recognized and accepted. I'm so grateful to learn that it goes so much deeper, so I can re-evaluate what I need to do. I'm deeply concerned about my my ability to heal my attachment style because of my extremely unique situation. I have a few very close supportive friends (with their own unhealed attachment styles) and I have a supportive therapist and psychologist, but in general I live with acute stigma and I experience constant rejection. I'm curious if that's going to be a problem, and what I should do about that. Also for some reason I couldn't stop cringe-laughing at myself @51:20 because I'm extremely self conscious at how bad I am at reading secure people. My friends often come to me for my keen insight into people they are in relationships with. Once in a while I'll be like "I'm so sorry, but that person's healthy which means I can't help you figure out what 's going on with them." I've also come to understand that secure people don't have a "strategy", and I experience anxiety around not knowing if that means all my strategies are conspicuous to secure people because I'm extremely paranoid of not being aware of that potential power dynamic. Well, it's good to know I can stop worrying about that and start worrying about my obsession with power dynamics.

1-4 was hitting the nail on the head. BUT #5 32:55 SEALED MY COFFIN. It’s something I have recognized for 6/7 years and have been struggling so bad with. I cant seem to integrate them and I feel like I have another personality because I’m a completely different person when I’m logical vs when I’m emotional. This video is helping me so much to understand myself and also why others don’t understand me when I understand them perfectly fine.

This was absolutely the most enlightening video I have ever seen. I literally cried a couple of times. No one has ever understood me the way you do. I have been diagnosed with multiple different mental illnesses and then told that I’ve healed from them and no longer suffer from them. No doctor or person has ever truly known what goes on in my mind. You have truly hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much! ❤❤❤❤

This is my life! I am just so blown away by how much I relate to all of this. It’s so clear I can barely handle it.

"At the heart of every FA is the belief that every relationship is an inherent power struggle." And when you factor in the number of narcissists and Dismissive Avoidants (which are almost functionally identical to the partner's experience even though they're totally different psychologies), every relationship actually IS a power struggle.

This is insanely detailed and just beyond accurate. Thank you so much!!!

"Am I an abusive person or am I being abused?" called me out so hard 😅

Wow.. Heidi, I am mind blown at how perfectly detailed and spot on absolutely everything you were in this video. I knew I was anxious avoidant, but never really understood why I do some particular things the way that I do, and you made sense of it all and made me feel so seen and understood. It is so confusing living with this, as you think that you are the abuser and being abused at the same time. I cannot make sense of my feelings a lot of time, and then I start over analyzing everything. I am currently in a relationship with a great, secure person, but feel like I can be so overbearing at times for him and for me. I am constantly thinking my only option of fixing things is putting and end to the relationship. I send a warm hug to everyone struggling with this! ❤

Omg, the bit about anxious attachment people is my sister to a T: every time she feels anxious about a relationship, she says its because the other person is toxic, narcissistic, bipolar, etc. When the truth is they are just a flawed and imperfect human who may have unknowingly triggered her past trauma. I'm so glad I found your channel. This is better than therapy lol

Videos like this help me understand myself on a deeper level than I have in my entire life. Thank you.

Been working on myself for years but every description you gave for fearful avoidant hit so close to home I am crying. I still have so much work to do.

I feel so called out. lol. I often experience that kind of confusion in my decision making wherein I can only be either emotional or rational

Wow Heidi. Thank you so much. I feel like you read me like a book. I am so glad i finally know my attachment style. I usually wondered if I was a toxic person because my interactions with people felt manipulative on my part because I knew so much about them, but they knew nothing about me. Now at least I understand I really do not need to be scared of vulnerability, but I just have a lot of stuff going on so i do not want to burden people with them.

You did an amazing job at describing the internal world of a fearful avoidant! It helps me understand myself more.

Thank you so much, Heidi. I will be watching this (as many of your videos) quite a few times, I reckon. And letting it percolate. I started out anxious in childhood and got conditioned into finally ending up fearful avoidant in my 40s. It has been a painful as hell journey. All of it. Somewhere in here you highlighted something that doesn't necessarily stand out to me easily. The 'hope' in FA. Which is that in vacillating between the two states of relating, the painful reality of having to question myself is also the (still fucking painful) gift of being *able* to question myself. Both reactive, conditioned sides of myself. Having read a metric crap-ton of books, I want to (with !!) recommend one to you and all the people who love you and your content. It has a (to me) kind of sickly-sickening title... "Mother Hunger" by Kelly McDaniel. I don't know which rabbit hole I was down when I found it. Given the title, I don't know why I pushed on. I hadn't heard of her at all. In the intro she says she often didn't want to write it. I get that. Lord, is there a lot of thought and feeling-provoking, seismic stuff in there. It is also really well read on Audible, if that works for you.

This has clarified so much angst for me. Of course, the intimate relationships implications are the most profound, but the arena that makes the most sense now is why I'm having a cognitive breakdown at the idea of walking away from my career as a nurse. I've recognized that it's causing an incapacitating identy crisis and that being a professional care giver is the only comfortable arena for me to express my huge heart for loving people, but I thought it was only evidence that I dont know how to recieve love, only give it from the position of professional etiquette. Now I recognize the covert absence of the conflicting phases of the "I know I'm abusive and going to hurt you" avoidance aspects of a private life, one on one, egual give and take exchange of intimacy that permeates every attemt to bond with someone. Again, I'm deeply grateful and impressed by you on so many levels. As well, my faith that academic psychiatry might have more insight into what ails me than I can figure out by meticulous self scrutiny. I've lost 90% of my faith in any form of Westernized Allopathic health care over the last 5 years, so this little flicker of hope is priceless to me. Not just on a personal level but on a career trajectory one as well. Thank you for your service to humanity here. The comments speak for themselves of how many lives you are touching.

This was the most riveting video I've ever seen in my life!! Thank you so much for not only being so clear and easy to understand, but keeping any hint of judgement or shame from entering the video. You're absolutely AMAZING!! 😍😍

I rarely comment on RU-vid videos. But I had to say here a big thank you for your work! This is absolutely the clearest I’ve heard people discuss attachment styles. Especially the FA style. 🙏

Hello Heidi, thank you for this video. I was always so confused by my own actions and emotional responses and I made a lot of people suffer because of it. Like with everything healing starts with admitting/diagnosing the problem. God bless.

This was an excellent video with so much good information. I really appreciated the comparison to the other attachment styles sprinkled throughout. I don't think this was the fault of the video, but I'm just really exhausted. I've been trying to figure out which my attachment style is and I keep going between anxious and fearful avoidant. I'm also trying to figure out someone else's attachment style (probably a good sign that I'm anxious) and I just can't make the distinction and it's so exhausting because I identify with many of the traits of all three and I can't tell which one is mine. But anyways, this was a really, really good video and I'm constantly amazed at the concision with which you're able to speak about these topics and really appreciate the high quality of both the information and the delivery. Thank you!

Wow. Just Wow.. I am completely blown away at your knowledge and passion to understanding the various nuances that determine where we ultimately end up on these wild spectrums. Just wow.

Thank you for doing this in-depth list and explanation on fearful-avoidant attachment. I've known it was my attachment style for years and could not find any in-depth resources presenting a perspective on it that wasn't tied to something else or treated more like a footnote--unless it was behind a paywall. I'm really grateful for this information that you've provided to the public. Thank you.

I finally found my attachment style. No wonder I’m so confused LOL

Very helpful! thanks 😊 I am currently in a "can't make a decission" mode about staying in or leaving a relationship (actually I am in this mode for over a year now 😅). It is so hard when you are aware of your fearful avoidant patterns but not sure if this is the reason you want to leave, and therefor maybe you should stay and try to fix things, or if the other things are reason enough to end it. I can't tell if I am just looking for reasons to leave because of my attachement style, or if this reasons are "valid" enough to go.

I have been seaching for someone who would be able to explain this to me for a very long time. It is a lot to absorb. Eye opening. It has made me feel hope for change. Thank You. I have my work cut out for me. 😂 💕

Thank you so much Heidi for you explanations on all of the different attachments styles❤ They have definitely help so much more with having compassion, empathy, and growth in my relationship.

Heidi This is extraordinarily clear and elaborate information put in simple tens. You’ve managed to impart highly clinical information in easily relatable terms. I have just experienced a very difficult breakup and this will help me move on very quickly while also wishing that this person can do the same You’ve helped me forgive both of us for the pain and loss Most importantly I am not wanting to blame Knowing I was not “ fooled” intentionally at all Much gratitude to you for this completely free highly valuable work laid out here for those of us who need it

I want to send this video to everyone I know and communicate with. "Look, it's an hour long video, but this explains why I behave how I behave. Now you can better understand how I can fuck this relationship up"

This is the greatest resource for fearful avoidant people. Thank you.