honest update: apologies & my own mental health 

marie, we don't mind how frequent your uploads are, we just hope you're okay. even if you didn't post at all, we all still love and care about you. so glad to see an update though! 💞

If you want to rant, cry, do whatever you need to, we get it. We are here for you Marie.

I'd love a video more about ED recovery! So happy you're doing well, Marie.

I’ve watched you for years now and you look like you’re trying not to cry in this video. Marie you are w beautiful person 💖

Really missed you Marie, but totally understand you gotta do what’s best for you and I’m super glad you’re doing well. I’d love to see some advice/responding to people’s dilemmas, either with someone or on your own. Also I love your chilled out vlogs and chatty GRWMs, or a chilled mukbang with storytimes. Love you so much. Take care xxx

I'm really glad to hear how well you're doing. Throughout this video though, the main thing I heard was how hard you are on yourself? I know you're saying you're not but you used a lot of harsh judgemental terms to refer to yourself. I think what you said at the end about uploading it straight away is a good idea, we love you and we love your content 🖤

It's so good to hear you've been coping through everything and your mental health is as well as it is. It is a bit disappointing for the youtube videos but I think everyone is happier knowing you're doing well offline than having you upload and everything. I understand pressure (from others or yourself) and it leading to not doing the things you feel you need to and how frustrating it can be.

Marie honestly your mental health content is so so helpful and I love it 💕 but also, watching you live your life beyond your mental health on Instagram, tiktok, RU-vid and everything else is so inspiring. Even if it is inconsistent and far from perfect, you show that you can get that little bit better and feel that life is worth living. You living your life, online and off, that is what gives all of us hope 🥰😊

marie ...... I love seeing you do so much better mentally, It gives me hope for my BPD. I got diagnosed with PTSD and its so MUCH worse than my BPD has been .

your best is always enough ❤️ and when we have mental health problems our best doesn’t always look great…but our best is always enough ❤️

no need to apologize. all we care about is if you're okay. completely off topic but you're so beautiful

I know you said not to say it’s okay. So I’ll just share my experience. The last few months have been really rough for me. The details don’t really matter. I’m a chronic people pleaser so after a marathon of working too hard for too many hours, keeping my home spotless, cooking all my meals, keeping all my appointments, pursuing higher education, I cracked. My body forced me to rest, but in the worst way. I started to perceive myself as lazy, undisciplined, petulant, childish. I was racked with guilt. But I just couldn’t stop. I had nothing left. I started missing appointments, I failed out of a class, I started sleeping during work hours. Eventually i just figured this was the new me. A failure and a disappointment. But two things: life is RELENTLESS and sometimes we just can’t, and that’s ok because it has to be. Also, it doesn’t always last. It really doesn’t because even if you are lazy and disappointing for a while, you will eventually get bored of it and become something else, but there definitely is a time of having to drag ourselves back to reality. I wish you all the best. I feel less alone watching your videos.

i'm so happy to see Marie happy

I love your videos and your health is always first. Upload whenever you feel like it. We all support you no matter what ♥️♥️♥️♥️

I say this kindly as someone who’s recently found out they are autistic at 22, I wonder if it might be helpful for you to research ADHD, it often goes missed in girls/women & some of the things you’ve mentioned made me think of it xx

Hi marie. So cute to see you are doing amazing. I can tell your eyes have that sparkle x remember it is your choice to do you tube.. there is a real world out there to live

Hugs, thanks for your honesty as long as you don't beat yourself up x❤x

Volunteering at a soup kitchen helps me a lot. Get out of the house, feel like I'm not lazy, meet nice friends, keeps me from thinking of myself too much or believing I'm good for nothing. Best anti-depressant I've found so far.

Marie, we love you no matter what!! Focus on yourself always ❤️ I know you get more views etc on your channel because of your mental health videos, but please don't put pressure on yourself to make those types of videos just because of that. You've helped soso many people of course with your experiences. But you are way more than that and I'm so proud of you! You've come so far and seeing you this happy is life 🥺 You are beautiful inside and out and your doing so amazing eee!! obvs your'll be a crazy biatch at heart forever 😂 proud of you for overcoming the things you once thought were impossible 💕

Pls read: It’s really hard to go from just about surviving to trying to have a fun an interesting and jam packed life. When we are in ‘recovery’ we’re taught to just manage and cope and look after ourselves and go to sleep early and don’t drink too much. That’s all well and good but once you feel ‘stable’ it gets kinda boring. I reckon now you feel stable, it could be the next step to just let go a little, be lazy, be silly, take risks and push yourself to find out who you are without mental illness! You’re clearly trying to move away from the idea of being ‘mentally Ill’ and this channel is a reminder of your past, because people here expect you to talk about stuff that isn’t even relevant in your life anymore. Go live your life and have fun! This channel should not be your priority, getting back the years you’ve lost to mental illness is!

You may be inconsistent right now. Sure. But that does make you an inconsistent person. You may not like your channel right now but that does not mean it’s bad. These are just moments and it’s perfectly ok to feel this way. I think not making promises right now at a time where you are struggling with consistency is self love. It’s a great idea!

It helps me a lot to volunteer at a soup kitchen. Easy work, meet nice people and takes my mind away from focusing on myself.

Hey there here are some thoughts, you can take them or leave them. I heard you say you're happy, and I truly hope you are. I wonder with the repetition if you're trying to convince yourself? I hate how society tells us to smile and be happy. We should not be guilted into it. Please share what you feel comfortable sharing. You don't have to feel obligated to share things just because you have a youtube channel and you sometimes address mental health. Healthy boundaries are necessary. People pleasing can be very detrimental to your health. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and don't let anyone else determine your worth.

Been following you for some years. It’s not laziness we naturally go through cycles/fluctuate with consistency and our habits. A lot of what you describe sounds a somewhat like burnout, it’s totally ok to take breaks, not follow through on certain ideas/projects and feel uninspired. It will always be there for you to come back. It’s sad to see you being so hard on yourself. Sometimes we also over apologise and that can also cause us to overly blame/beat ourselves up and a nice we to reframe this is to instead be appreciative e.g thanks for bearing with/being understanding. Also if you feel your drifting from consistency and the person you want to be a lovely approach that helps to boost fulfilment and meaning in life is ACT and values based work 💕 Life is very complex and we are not necessarily the problem, there’s many life circumstances and stressors that have a big influence on us and how we behave/cope and you have to do you!! The fact your MH is good is an excellent thing and more important than YT 💕💕

So much love and gratitude for youuu 😌😌

So happy to hear you are HAPPY! That is ALL I've ever wanted for you! Real life is always more important than YT! We will always be here! Much Love XoXo

Marie, don't think of it as "you are the problem", but rather that you are the solution ❤ I know it's tough, but shifting your perspective to a positive one will do a world's difference to your mental health as well as your productivity.

I’m so proud of you!!

I shake all the time, Marie, because of a serious brain condition, on top of the same mental health diagnosis as you. Don't worry. You're amazing. Why feel embarrassed? This is your journey, and you're kind enough to share it with us. Just keep looking after yourself. You're more important than anything. You're beautiful and I, for one, am helped so much by your vlogs. Just keep being you, and and don't be sorry. I've been been under a 136, three times. If you need help, you need it. End of. 💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️

Not one of us think badly of you if you are not making content consistently. Your health is much more important. Make videos when you can, and make the content you want to make. We will be here to watch it, because we love you. Over the maaaany years I've been subbed to you, you have had your ups and downs. But you ARE constantly becoming a better person.

you are deffo not lazy ♡ life's not easy when you're struggling and healing. Its not easy, you did your best!!! that's enough!!!! - apology accepted but I am 4 sure it's not lazyness bc you clearly don't wanna act this way on your own will. - I just think, you wanna do things but you're just not ready really but you tried to. Things are not coming effortlessly to you and that's the point where you need to focus on yourself as much until you've got yourself figured out! That's a normal process don't worry. Don't try to force things ♡ if they don't come easy then it's not the time.

This is your journal. You're not lazy. There is no such thing as lazy. You needed to rest.

Love you and we will always be here for you love.

It’s okay to take breaks sometimes even if it’s a year long break I’m soo inconsistent on RU-vid and I’ve accepted it probably because you’re no longer as enthusiastic or excited by it

I'd love to see the wedding you went to with Dylan and his family, it sounds incredible! I am so happy for you girl, you're doing fantastic and reflecting like this will only push you to grow

When you were talking about being happy with your body, for me I’m at a place where it’s not about being happy with it. It’s simply just my body and my opinion of it is irrelevant. My attitude, however, towards it is one of self love, regardless of whether or not I’m am happy with the flesh and bone. Not sure if I’ve explain d that well or not xx

I totally understand! It’s okay.🥰

I hope you begin to feel better. No need to apologize as we will have off days as I have them myself. I enjoy your posts.

there is absolutely no need to apologise hun! we love you and appreciate any upload you do. bpd is a proper biatch that always puts you down. keep your head held high babes xxx

Marie u post whenever you want! Your health is more important honestly. If people say come on Marie please post more literally they leave and honestly don’t know how hard mental health is❤️ Just remember whenever you feel down always gets better do self care it helps a lot love you Marie

people always find me weird for keeping the spoon in my coffee 🤣 sending you lots of love & i really hope this feeling goes away soon xx💗

You are VALID!!! Sweet Heart.

I completely get how everyone asking if you’re “okay” on every video might be pretty triggering. Obviously we care about you, but sometimes it can really feel like some of us are holding too tightly onto the ‘mentally ill’ label. Feeling like everyone is tracking your progress and mental health all the time (even after recovery!!) can be really draining and upsetting. And it sucks so much because they all mean well. Ever since I was hospitalized a few years ago, every time I show the slightest signs of not behaving like my ‘normal self’ people close to me get super concerned, even when I feel like I’m doing really well. (And I was just hospitalized for depression! can’t even imagine how much worse this would be if I had psychosis or manic episodes.) It just gets tiring and I get so paranoid about whether I’m acting ‘mentally healthy’ enough to ward off suspicion. Proud of you for uploading! Sounds like you’re heading in a good direction 💖

Marie, I have been watching your channel forever and I am so happy to see you doing well and being happy. I am happy crying for you. I think you will figure out what you want to do with your channel and then do it. May God continue to bless your journey to healing Marie.

Marie I fuckin love you. This video made me cry I am sooooo happy you’re genuinely well. I also dont think anyone but you has noticed how “lazy” you’ve been. And I literally love this attitude of “BORRRINGG…. WHO THE FUCK CARES” when it comes to obsessing and over analyzing yourself, I feel like it can simplify things in a way. Words to live by. Straight up. Post whatever you want idc imma be here in your comments no matter what;)

Be gentle on yourself Sweety... Every day is is a learning process..

I am REALLY embarrassed about my channel to so I relate to you on that. Just want to let you know there was absolutely nothing embarrassing about this video xx

I embrace the same "boring" mentality and it works so well for me, personally!

We love you marieee🥺🥰

I feel the memory loss to a spiritual level in this 😂🙌🏼 So I’ve done like inner child work recently and it really bloody helped. Probably things you’ve heard before but I think it would help with your self compassion. Like I went back to 15/10/5 years ago; wrote my ‘current’ situation/ goals/ troubles and accomplishments (as if It was present day) and then I wrote a letter to myself at each of those times. It showed my growth, how bad things were over come but mainly just like having a practical outlook and caring for myself. Idk 😂 so glad you’re in therapy, like it’s insane how you are doing good right now 🙌🏼 I feel like therapy is like taking everything and just like shaking it all up, so would be understandable if you were feeling crappy. …just heard you want to be a bit brutal on yourself and you’ve done all the self work so probably disregard everything I’ve said 😂.. Grow upppp. ;) (total joke)

we love you! No matter what angel xx

Marie your human your allowed to have trials and tribulations in life it's called growth. You know I'm here 1000% we have already discussed that. Love your new tattoos but the way . And it's like this if you stayed the same you are boring but if you decide to take your channel in a new direction that fine you have helped so many in the past don't devalue what you have done .

So glad to hear from you and hear how your doing . We all watch your channel to support you and no one is going to be annoyed if you don’t upload or are having trouble , we are here to support you like you do for us ❤️ please take time and take care of yourself :( x

You haven’t been “shit”. We are here for you even if you only post once a month or once a year. You’re a gorgeous person inside and out, and you need to be more gentle with yourself because you’re doing great xx

You're NoT a lazy shitty person. I've really benefited from your videos. They got me through really rough times; and made me feel less alone. Don't discredit yourself. You can upload when you feel like it, and you're not selfish for living your own life. You're amazing! ❤️

Your videos always make me happy on the inside. Way too fookin relateable. 🥰 I'm a shush now. 🤫

Here for you, girl 💖 You're not lazy, lousy, boring or anything negative at all. You're amazing and beautiful. You're so smart and kind and considerate. You're inspirational and fun and bubbly. You're beautiful inside and out. We don't care how much content you give us or how much effort you put in to YT. We don't care about your editing, or how often you upload. We care about YOU and your happiness and wellbeing. We love to see you and your videos, whenever YOU choose to film and upload, because we love you. But, we don't expect anything of you. Please take care of yourself, Marie. 💖 I honestly have soooo much love for you! Xxxxxx

WE LOVE U GIRL

you are criticising yourself far too much, i’ve watched you for years popping in and out of your channel.. you are an amazing person despite what you tell yourself.. however if the stress of uploading videos you feel content with is too much then take a break.. allow your creativity to come back and give yourself time ❤️

i know what it feels like to hate the behaviours we do that mean we are being a person we do not want to be

All we care about is you. We love you no matter what never forget that ❤❤❤

How can you be happy with those scars? I too have a lot of scars and bc of them I could never be happy or allow myself to be happy. I hate my scars and body. I’m a monster. How can you not feel sad and desperate? I need advice please!!!!

Marie, never push yourself when your body is saying no. you seem very spaced out..

Honey I’m not gonna tell you not to say sorry, just that this is and always will be 100% your own space of the internet and we are all on here for the ride :)

Maire Im going to accept the apoligie because I know how much the apoligie means to you and how much you need to butttt, you don't owe anyone anything. I know how much you care about the people who watch you and how grateful you are but those who love you and watch you dont want to watch vidoes if you dont want to put them out . you are amazing and strong and a great role model even though I know you don't believe that about yourself honestly please stop pressuring yourself and holding yourself to such a high standard - you are you and your not meant to be perfect and if you want. to put videos up and you enjoy it do it but if you don't want to then your not letting anyone down and if what you want to put up you worried people wont like then f them coss those who care just wanna see you thrive. proud of you for how much you have achieved since you started don't. beashemd of who you were just use your past self as a measure for were you are now. your smashing life and if your stop filming and that makes you happy ill be grateful for everything you have done and if you film and your happy ill enjoy watching sorry for the full on story but yeah stop judging your self so dam hard x

Oh and I am not sure what your interests are but I can see you painting! If you haven't ever or in a while get u some acrylic paints, little canvas, and some brushes!! I need to take my own advice and do the same because it is so peaceful and freeing!!! Let me know if u do this or something similar and if it helps. Love u!!

Marie, you are only human, the fact that you are living life, being mentally stable and healthy with yourself, it’s a BIG win and so important, that’s what we need, you living life and you being healthy. But it sounds like life have been rough for you, don’t apologise for life being life, you can’t change that, you can only live it and heal from it. Hope you and your parents soon will be alright again and I hope that this feeling with embarrassment will go away, don’t feel embarrassed about you being yourself or finding yourself or you feeling one way that day you film. You are only human, a beautiful one ❤️

It’s okay to post as and when don’t put pressure on yourself to be consistent so you enjoy the content you produce rather than. It being a chore

Happy that you are doing great on your journey ❤️❤️ A humble suggestion would be maybe doing daily vlogs just you being you making your way through life it’s comforting ✨ It’s just a suggestion but love you regardless Marie ❤️❤️ Love from Maria in London ✨❤️

Since you were taking about how you don’t like the person you’re becoming, I think it would be awesome if you just re started, not get rid of your old videos but upload as the person you want to be ❤️

Ily Marie ❤☁️🌸

We are all "Lazy" to some degree I think unless we live in a 3rd 🌎country and have to work extremely hard for basic necessities that we all take for granted. Girl, you are awsome! Stop apologizing please. Forget all of us and focus on you and if we get to witness the process of you finding yourself and learning to love yourself just as God created you good and quirky(anything but "BAD")then I feel blessed.I am going through so much of what you seem to be going through. Please just remember this. I don't know you and this is my 1st video of urs and I love you!!!!!!

Marie honestly we don’t care when you upload! I’ve been watching you for years and I still watch even when you don’t upload regularly

I really hope your OK Marie.... your not making a lot of sense ! It's ok to take time of RU-vid and come off completely if you feel. There have been many RU-vid who have decided to stop posting ! Do you hun !

✨ BORINGGGGGGG! ✨ I love you. I'm so proud of you.

Hey Maire :) It sounds like you've been putting a lot of pressure on yourself to commit to youtube. Perhaps its because you quit work to persue this or because it means so much to you. But right now, its not where your energy is happy to be directed, and thats so okay. I can feel a whole new direction for you. This channel so far has grown based on your poor mental health (i hope that doesnt sound insulting) but most of the content has been about your journey of illness but now you are moving forward beyond that. The late teens early 20's are sooo formative, it is such a massively overlooked developmental period. You're not a child anymore and youre a completley different person than who you were when you started this channel. Its okay to find a new rhythm. Its easy to say but try to not stress about that, it will find its way, it may be that this channel rests for a while or forever, or yo start something new. There is no presusre to know the answers right now because nobody really knows what will happen one day to the next. Theres a big disconnection between your general happiness and your feeling about your channel. Perhaps you are needing to grieve your old self which is literally archived here on your channel. She was so important in building your platform, but she is not here any more, YOU are and perhaps you feel discordant and that your followers dont overly know you much any more. Mental health updates when you are not mentally ill cannot sustain a fulfilling outlet for you. This channel is about you, we are here to support and be by your side. We can be with you as you move forward into something new, whatever that is. I definitely feel there needs to be some recognition of an end, and a processing of the closing of a chapter. Youve gotta grieve to move forward, you are not her anymore. We still love you tho :) xx

Hi Marie, I just wanna say that we will always support you in the good and bad times. Maybe you don't think this yourself, but I kinda feel like you're really hard on yourself. We all get a bit unmotivated sometimes, but that doesn't mean we're lazy. I mean creating content isn't always easy, you don't always know what you wanna create and which way you would like to go with your channel. Maybe you just need some time to think about what you want your channel to be. Please Marie take care and try to be a bit kinder to yourself! I love you so much and will patiently wait until your next video! ♥️♥️♥️

This is completely unrelated: but the henna on your hands is so beautiful 💖

Stop Beating yourself up.. your doing so well.. x

I dont know if and what meds you are getting but you are a bit all over the place, mostly a sign over medication on one medicine, your mind is running too fast at the moment take your rest plz and talk with the person who takes care of your meds, you can do this, you have don a lot already, take care and be kind to yourself.

Love you whatever 💗 xx

I loved this video and you Marie. You are my favouritiest RU-vid ever. I love all your videos that you do. You are much more talented than you think you are. I could listen to you for hours talking about paint dry, that's how funny and entertaining you are. Something I would be interested to hear you talk about is the difference between BPD psychosis and psychosis on its own.

I feel like you just need to just create things that really interest you + get you back into love with making content. Make the type of content you like to watch. If you need to take a while away from youtube to regroup/figure things out then we'll be here for you when you come back. If you're *really* struggling to find a connection to youtube again then maybe evaluate whether you really want this to be your main source of income. You can just keep it as a hobby on the side. For some constructive criticism; I think you need to start scripting or at least planning your videos in more detail. They can be all over the place + it's hard to follow your point when you keep jumping from topic to topic, stopping mid-sentence or getting distracted and going on a tangent. It can be seen a LOT in this video. The first 10 minutes could have been cut down to 3-4 minutes if you cut out the parts where you lose train of thought, finding synonyms, trying to think of the right word etc. I'm not saying become an editing wiz but at least a bit more edits would make the videos flow better. Of course I say all this from a place of love, not trying to hate or make you feel a type of way. Ily and I just want you to feel good about your videos🌈

if you're interested, can you make a video venting about the most unprofessional, unhelpful, condescending etc. things you've been told by professionals? I always like when you go on a tangent about how dumb their advice can be, it reminds me of my own bad experiences with shitty therapists 🤣 I think a lot of people could relate because some professionals really do tell you the craziest things sometimes

i also keep the spoon in my coffee so i can stir it every time i drink it, it's not weird dw

i love you

wait something happened with ella? what the heck did i miss!? Can't wait for Indian wedding vlog!

My mental health isn't the best because I was recently diagnosed with autism and BDP I don't know how to tell college because starting an new internship in September any tips x

Don't know if you'd want to do this but might be a good video to make on how the ED critical voice is 'boring' and compile (maybe from Instagram?) things people truly find most interesting about others or their favourite complements to receive and see how many are unrelated to appearance 🤔

Have u ever seen Girl Interupted, the movie? Winona Ryder supposedly has BPD. I was just recently diagnosed with bipolar D/O but when I watch video after video about BPD I feel like some of the criteria applies to me, well a lot of it. Take care of yourself sweetie 😘💕💖💗

Duuuude I relate to this so much. Im struggling hard right now just feeling like I’m so bloody lazy but not wanting to do anything or no, not motivated and I’m like for gods sake I’m an adult grow up and eating disorder shit and being alone

Your voice is cool

Before you mentioned the spoon in the tea/coffee i was thinking of asking why 😂 what a coincidence

Is anorexia also one’s own fault?? Or is it a disorder? A mental disease?? What is it?

I thought I was the only weirdo who left my spoon in my coffee 😂

Love you Marie. Just wondering but have you looked into whether you have ADHD? I see traits in you.

problem with mental health is that you can only fix it yourself. Other people can give u the tool but you have to perfor the surgury yourself aha

❤️❤️❤️

553 like Nice sharing

BORING !! This is called radical acceptance and ive learnt about it in my bulimia therapy sessions. Its one way to cope and combat ED thoughts - doesnt work for everyone nor for every situation but can be helpful. Instead of thinking “boring” when my brain says dont have breakfast bcos its not time, i think “fuck it” as in “lifes too short”. Love u girl xxx