That idea is not going to get you far in a world obsessed with image. There's a delicate balance between living for image (narcissism) and projecting healthy image based on your actual capabilities (with some exaggeration at times). Especially important in organisational settings. Learnt the hard way.
To some degree we all do seek external validation and it can be healthy and normal. Where it is unhealthy is when we are not able to provide validation for ourselves (narcissists) or when we are in unhealthy/toxic/abusive relationships for the external validation. I would love to meet the person who never seeks external validation to some degree. Sure, we may tell jokes to cheer people up out of love or to make them happy, but to a degree we can often do it for attention. Same with getting all dressed up for a social event; if we were only doing it for ourselves, we would get all dressed up to watch Netflix alone on our couch. Those are just two common examples of seeking external validation and we've probably all done them.
I believe we're social beings, sometimes we need external validation as we're not GODs! The question here is who to get the validation from, Is must be a trusted source. 🙂
My most annoying toxic trait is assuming that any man who falls in love with me is lying & pretending. I make it my mission to drive them to a point of desperation to finally get the “declaration” that they were faking it all along. I just cannot accept that they could have genuine feelings. If they do they must be stupid and naive, and why would I want to rely on someone even dumber than myself? Nobody sane could ever love me if they knew all my real thoughts & feelings, there’s nothing lovable in there. I don’t want anyone to get too close to me, or else they’ll see too much of the bad stuff. Keep them at an arms length and let their fantasy of me live. Else they’ll know the truth and I’ll lose my supply.
I only dated a covert narcissist for 2 months. She destroyed me mentally, so I left her. I looked for answers on the internet, where I finally got them. From psychiatrists to narcissism experts. It was satisfying to walk away from this relationship more easily because I finally understood. But I began to see them as pure evil. But when I discovered your channel, I realized that you are just people who are constantly suffering. This channel is worth its weight in gold. Thanks for all the videos
Not the same; but I can relate. It took a long time to let go of the anger from the fallout of the 🐂💩. Plus, this stuff is everywhere (politics, YT, television, etc.). Hard to refocus. But yeah. I can once again find compassion for people who lack it. ~ As long as they're not trying to play me or harming anyone in my sphere. 😅 It was a long time coming, and took a lot of effort. Balance is restored to my little universe. 😌
Bruhhhhh i swear what attracted me to this guy was the fact i always saw him volunteering. One time I told him that in a convo and he said he only does it because he doesn’t feel an emotional connection to the people around him. 💀. I been trying to make sense of that for so long.
Some of the most narcissistic people I've met have been involved in non profits. People who are genuinely good (not just masking) don't feel the need to prove it/show it to the world.
@@Magnus_KittyHeard the other day that my ex just got involved in a non profit. He always talked about it. His friend works for them and I always felt my ex was mirroring him.
Oh god, a guy I met through FB did this shit and I asked him why he did. I forget what he said but it was a normal/acceptable answer, and I said seems a little too good to be true so he linked me his Tiktok and he had a largeish following, I said oh nice! It's always nice to show the world how altruistic you can be. (He didn't catch the sarcasm). At least he's helping people though. Silver iridescent linings? :) 😅
You got me when you talked about “giving someone the keys” in your last relationship. I’m still alternating between being furious that I let my ex get away with the things I let him or having a BPD pity party thinking “why wasn’t I good enough”. 🤦♀️
"Let my ex get away with the things I let him...." Knowing that your ex was doing or saying shady sh*t and letting it go either means that you didn't want to cause conflict to keep the relationship or that you really didn't care bc you were getting something out of the relationship. Your needs were being met at the time, even if it was to keep you from feeling abandoned. Try not to hate on yourself for that.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkEi dont know, i have a serious problem with putting limits up, whenever i tried with my ex wife for the past 13 yeara(recently discarded), she drew the divorce card. She know very well i didnt want no divorce, só i stopped tonkeep the peace.
My narcissistic colleague told some of the things from his childhood that were to do with humiliation and feelings of inferiority and toxic household. I just listened empathised and buried them deep in my psyche. Later on he left no stone unturned to destroy me anyways as he saw me as competition and stooped to hurting my credentials etc.
1 year after i am here to say thank you ! You gived me a answer that was a freedom for me . I asked in that time why my ex narc didnt appeared with the New suply not even in social media and you said to me that it is bc he didnt found someone in my level to show up . My worst fear was look to his profile and see someone else in my place , traveling , kissing him ....and after 6 years he still didnt post nothing with anyone ! This is so strange for a Narc dont you think ? I am so glad to find your Chanel again ! You are brutal honest and i like that 😊 Btw , you look amazing beautiful specially your hair . Just like wine Kisses from Brazil 💋
Has working ( being a workaholic ) ever helped even a just little with filling the void Sara? ALSO HEY it’s been a while since I watched a video I’ve been busy but man I missed this channel so much EEEEEE so happy to see your face 😆
It definitely helps because it distracts me from feeling like garbage 24/7. I feel like I have a purpose/daily goal. They only bad thing about thinking about work all the time is THAT distracts me from being present in my relationships. Work becomes all I care about. I don't have a PhD in anything but sometimes I hear adult child talk about their mothers who were psychiatrists and cared more about their patients than them. From the outside, this seems true since the child always wanted their mother to pay attention to them and ask them the same probing questions. I do the same thing, I pay more attention to others than I do my family. It has nothing to with "care" and more to do with me feeling like an important figure head to others (self esteem boost) without the intimacy that a family member craves. I also just feel like an appliance to them. The irony. Then the ADHD kicks in and f*kcs with my work progress and I'm stuck cycling through 5 different things all day, getting nothing done!!!
I'm trying to overcome one narc asshole,only to find another one who went from texting,answering me, to sudden distancing.Hes acting just like the other one,he stopped answering when we will get together,but could answer a holiday greeting nothing else. Thank God I've learned from you what to be aware of this time round,thanks sara
People frequently view narcissistic energy as the person in whom it exists currently; which is true in one-way. But more than that, in reading history, it seems like it’s been around for thousands of years - passed down through generations; kind of like DNA.
My ex was in the military too and got pulled over once on the highway for speeding, and he said "YOU'RE actually holding ME up with this' (Not in a disrespectful way). I wasnt there for it but he loved to tell that damn story 😂 Cop was apparently flustered n apologized lmao
After spending time with my narcissist I was feeling completely drained and like I needed to recover for 2 days, because he was talking and talking about himself all the time, and when I started to share something even a very vulnerable thing, he would cut my word and bring the conversation back to him. So I had to listen and support him, but nobody was here to hear me.
I do know the feeling. The only reason I lasted so long with my ex husband is because I didn't care to share anything about myself with him. I grew up with a mother who would trauma dump and use anything you said against you, so learned to not care or share. But the reason I DO understand is bc, me being a narcissist, I do need the ego boosting from the people I do find value in. And when they let me down (unconsciously withholding support), I devalue them into things that I find useful until discarded. You need support bc it's HEALTHY for people to bond and feel understood, supported, and cared for. Your boy is selfish and can't feel empathy. So your needs don't exist. He is the center of the universe. Period. He isn't malicious in hurting you but it is hurtful. I also had to stop talking to others in my life (while working to be more thoughtful in my actions) bc of these actions by others. There's no reason to stay in a one sided relationship with anyone.
My borderline mother is in her 70's. She has been told multiple times about the harm she causes. No f*kcs. Don't have hope. Just try to accept it and not react to her garbage.
My ex from time to time would drop hints about narcissism. She was trying to tell me she was a narcissist but I wouldn’t bite. She always seemed like she knew something that I didn’t. Either that or she was fishing to see if I knew.
Or she was telling you her inner dialogue and struggles like a normal partner does? I was married to my ex husband for 20 years before I told him that "I don't care." Nobody gets to know what goes on in my head. Your girl must have really wanted you to know her.
I get the mutual energy, or nothing. Only those that hold value get a role. Depending on what my needs or interests are. I personally only seek out others who can add to specific unique parts of myself. They become that part, but never get all of me, or the entire role. This is the reason why I avoid commitment. For example, I will find someone who is into the same hobbies/interests as myself, then only focus energy, conversations, outings surrounding that particular interest/hobby or event. Not the other way around. I don't mirror. It definitely takes more than looks, sex or money to keep my interest. Especially if it's just for companionship and fun. There's no depth. Emotional conversations do not exist in my personal companionships. So, basically everyone plays a small part in my life. The rest is reserved. If one betrays me, then I only lose that small part temporarily, which can be easily replaced. My kyack buddy betrays me, then I can find another one. No feelings involved. If my hiking buddy doesn't follow through, then I will find a new one. Those are examples. Companionships can last for years. Intimate relationships is where it gets complicated. I would rather avoid those completely now days. I am capable of connection, but I avoid letting my guard down, trusting anyone, or being vulnerable enough to express my own emotional needs. If someone I care about needs emotional support, it adds to my feelings of being unworthy. Yes, it's definitely survival. I prefer my companionships to be with those who also avoid because it adds fun and fulfillment to my personal life. No drama or tears. There's people that actually appreciate it. Plus, it's protection for them as well. I don't revenge seek ex companions, or ex friend with benefits. A companion actually holds way higher value to me than past friends with benefits. I stopped doing FWB as I became more aware. So, the false self for me isn't entirely fake. I just do not reveal everything about myself to everyone. Learning to accept my disordered parts has been difficult. We shouldn't have to continue to hide our passions, interests, likes, and dislikes to protect ourselves from the outside. Being criticized and punished for being our authentic selves is why we have a fucked up disorder to begin with, but yet we still do because others who can not see they are also toxic will intentionally target us just to study our trauma. Which is dangerous because they have filled themselves with false information and hate. Especially in victim and trauma groups. They can also be trauma informed and traumatized at the same time, which helps them believe they are doing a good deed by attempting to damage the disordered. Self trashing has also helped me combat personal attacks. Not all of us mirror to gain. I certainly don't pretend to enjoy something I hate. That's just miserable for me and if feel forced, I used to make sure that person had the worst time ever. Now, I can see where I sometimes wasn't being mutual in past relationships. Yes, it's all survival.
In my opinion, my bpd ass is no different than a narcissist in most aspects. Two sides of the same coin. We just have different goals. We can be a match made in hell if we matched energy levels. Drawn towards each other but hate each other.
How is asking for what you want and need from your partner considered weak? Being direct requires strength. Avoiding and dismissing the core of a problem seems weak to me. Are you afraid of their reaction?
Medication would be for those with ADHD (I need that), mood disorders, anxiety, or depression. I think for schizophrenia too? So somethings maybe helpful for co-morbid issues but not NPD on it's own. Weed can calm down anger issues. Lol
But if you know you gonna leave everyone anyway, even if it's a good thing, why even started that relationship? Bc on the other side, there's a person trying to love you, make it work for real, and if you also recognize it's a good thing going on, why self sabotage the end of it by hurting them? After all, you want the chance to be genuine loved, right? Excellent video by the way!
I don't know I'm going to leave everyone anyway. There would be no point in even trying unless it was to play with your head. I trying with all my long term relationships.
They don't want to be loved in a classic ( empatic) way. They want to control your emotions to feel safe. They NEED your emotional pain to feel in control = safe = no anxiety. They don't want you to be at piece with yourself. You must have your attention on them at all times to make them feel safe. You will get anxiety/stress/illnes from all of this. There is no piece - meaning high adrenalin. Piece ( genuine love) makes them feel unvincible = death etc. Just look all Milkshake videos about what THEY want - it is oposite of what you want. In short you must suffer in order to keep them happy ( after the love bomb stage - first 3 months ). Thet's why relationship with them is not worth it. You can not change them, the best thing keep your block button strong 😂 Leave cluster B's have relationships with themselves. That's what they love and want.
No one self reflects on their own behaviors. The News divides nations, reports drama, causing hate, and uses propaganda. Social Media is used to inflate egos and cause unhealthy narcissism. Fear instilled in children causes shame and makes them feel unloveable. Not believing in others causes trust issues and betrayal; predator vs. prey. Eastern philosophy teaches emptiness (I got that down) and not to hold on to fixed mindsets (working on that one). People, unconsciously see them as extensions of themselves. This is good if you're a good person. If you don't like yourself, you will destroy that extension; others. We're only hurting or loving ourselves.
Hello mrs milkshake i have a question if u can find the time give a response it would greatly be appreciated. Ok iam dealing with a undiagnosed narcissist on Christmas day i blew her mind with the gifts the setting the whole 9 yards the intimacy shared not sexual anyway the.day next cold as ice Mentally i was prepared i didnt get a good mourning from the text . So i go see her today we conversating she is stand offish she repeat more than once that will never happen again never . so iam Thinking wat me making u happy?? So the question is how does she make me the bad guy is it because of the feelings i brought out in her? Because i assure u she is acting like iam a villian is it because she lost control?... Smh good thing i am mentally good i basically said to her ok lady wat ever u say have a good day i really didnt feel anything except this person loves to waste time.
I can't give a specific reason bc I don't know your relationship history but from what I read, here we go..... You went over board with the gifts. This could make her feel inadequate that she didn't match your gift giving energy. She could see it as manipulation, giving to receive love in return (which you said she was extra loving to you-that's your payment). She could have a mood disorder (this has nothing to do with you). She's tired of faking holiday cheer and defaulting back to her normal state. One thing that always pissed me off was when people believe that we have to stay consistently joyful. This gave me a lot of anxiety to perform and would make me distant and angry (with an anxious partner or parent). Just be happy for when I have the energy to fake a smile for you. Now, instead of being angry with her for changing her mood, ask yourself why tolerate inconsistency without reason. If she blames you for her mood shifts, red flag. You may trigger her shifts at times (unless she's a borderline), but if she doesn't speak to you about these shifts, without blame, there is no hope for true connection.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE thank u so much for the reply .iam not angry with her at all .iam patient. I will give her her space . she is triggerd. So space is needed.some time later i will mention therapy again. Thank u again very helpful.
@@kennetharmpriester9321 Kenneth - She can not fall in love with you - NICE - person. She despise herself ( and think she is better than anyone else) Don't have hope. Listen Sam Vaknin - Narcissist can not love you because he hates himself. The more you are trying to please her the more she will hate you. Keep learning about narcissism because you still don't get it. Move on, your patience is falling on deaf ears :)))
When I was young I was arrested for shoplifting at Nordstroms. Damn cameras. But that didn't stop me from thieving in the future. So, yeah, punishments and threats don't really work on me. An ex told me if I said something specific to him that he was going to break up with me. So I said the thing over and over in his face.
I do not understand the logic: you do not want to get hurt but yet yourself hurt others. Well, it is the non existing empathy, but still.. And only the other narcissists care about who is weak or who is strong. Usually people help the weaker ones. My narc ex hided himself always when he had even a slightest problem with his health. I think he did not feel perfect and strong then.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE For me it is like you shoot me because you think I would shoot you, if you didn't do it first, but I do not even have a gun or want to have one.
Damn. I'm a borderline and there was a guy... For the past 2 years... I don't even know what you'd call it, tbh. It wasn't ever a relationship, and not even quite a situationship. Just this weird, mostly unspoken... thing... with both of us playing stupid mind games with each other over social medias and spotify. We only ever went on one date, and he was the one who really woke me up that I was NOT happy in my controlling marriage. I had already kind of been feeling that way, but then he lovebombed me, made me feel more special than I ever had, then just washed his hands of me when I started showing him I cared. Left me in a horrible almost psychotic funk for months, I wasn't fully in reality that entire time because of my abandonment wounds being on fire... Maybe he was just trying to mess my life up, idk, but... It was the strangest and saddest thing I've ever experienced. We connected most over music. I ended up blocking him for a year and a half so I could get through my divorce without even more trauma. And when I unblocked him earlier this year to apologize for my part in all the messed up mind games that went on between us, because I felt I had grown and really did just want to move on with my life with a relatively clear conscience, I guess he took that to mean the games were back on... And through all the music, and all the things he shared on social media, I got to see that he really did feel isolated and hated himself and everybody else and his cool guy charade was really just a mask for all the pain... Really hard to explain, but I am certain that's the message he was trying to get across. And of course, it drew me back in to an extent because our trauma attracts each other's trauma and all that fun stuff. Made me want to just get through to him and shake him and show him that someone COULD care about him if he just LET them. But of course I have my own issues, so I'd split on him, he'd chase, then he'd get bored when I reciprocated and ignore me, I'd split on him.... Etc etc. It ended with me reaching out and I was direct and upfront that I did care about him, even in a non-romantic way. And he finally seemed receptive. He told me he didn't mean to hurt me and I should know that, and then asked to be friends. And things felt they were on track to be good between us for one (1) day. Before he started pulling the silent treatment for a week. And when I asked him, politely, why he was ignoring me, he forwarded a message I had sent him from ages ago in an entirely different context saying that he could take his time in responding. I finally had enough and haha reacted then blocked him. Makes me sad and hurts that he couldn't or wouldn't believe I genuinely just wanted to care for him, even in a non-romantic context, and thought it would be better to hurt me and push me away instead, but it is what it is I guess. He taught me a lot, without even meaning to. He helped me grow so much by triggering all my deepest wounds and helped me become much more self aware and actually work on healing my disorder, because I know I've hurt people in my past too. I am actually somewhat happy in life for the first time because I'm free and not being controlled or abused. He gave me the courage to be a little selfish and do what was good for ME, which was leaving my abusive marriage and rebuilding my life from the ground up. I only hope I helped him in some way instead of just hurt him further. All of this huge novel to say... I know you probably know this on a logical level, and it's just a defense mechanism, but for you and anyone else whose disorders or attachment issues make them believe otherwise, there are people out there who genuinely do care and want to be in your life, not to control you but to just... witness your existence. None of us are here for long, and each of us really is unique in our own ways. What a beautiful thing to witness Thank you for shining a light on your inner world for us ☀️
The "courage" to be selfish, defiant, and unfaithful to your husband. I think the word you're looking for is immorality. Just wow. He deserves better. You deserved to be manipulated by that other guy.
@@HealthWyze I wasn't unfaithful. We had separated twice by that point because my ex was abusive, and I was on the fence on whether I wanted to try and continue the marriage because I was convinced no one else would ever want me or put up with me but my ex. An abusive and controlling relationship is a really terrible place to be. The guy gave me the courage to move forward with the divorce, not explicitly, but through his independent nature he showed me what life could hold for me if I were brave enough to get a divorce and live life on my own terms. It's hard to put the full story with all the details into a RU-vid comment. Thanks for your input though 💚 I hope you heal enough to not judge strangers characters on the internet from comments with little context.
Am I scared to manipulate people in my favor? No. Am I scared to to be arrogant, cold, or aggressive? No. That's a natural part of my disorder (my normal). But I'd rather kill people with kindness/charm/laughter. I have always exposed my "don't care" attitude to everyone so there's nothing to threaten me with. I'm abrasively honest, funny, and a good listener. I play with your emotions when I make you laugh. If I split on you and see you as sh*t, we ain't playing. I'm not afraid to leave a relationship (childhood trauma response bc everyone who was supposed to care for me betrayed me). I expect betrayal and don't trust anyone. So what am I supposed to be afraid of? I guess rejection. I don't like that. One reason why I leave everyone first.
